AS THE WORLD YAWNS

Isn’t it amazing how as the world changes things that once affected us no longer have the ability to affect us? And this holds true for both bad and good changes in case somebody thinks I’m going to turn to into a gripe posting.

It is more of an observation how easy it is for us to become numb to what might otherwise stir our emotions when we get exposed to it so often. I make that observation because surviving the consequences of that dynamic is part of what keeps me in office as a Mayor.

You see where I live I understand that one of the cures for boredom is extremism. People just find something to get excited about no matter how dumb or stupid it happens to seem. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one that appreciate how that is the driving force behind such behavior.

Take for example the concept of crusades against injustice. It can be a noble venture. Providing you are battling something legitimately wrong. If it is something nobody cares about or makes no difference or worst of all people LIKE then you could have a problem.

In my city we have one person in particular who is totally consumed with the need to fight against his idea of wrong. His name is, AHEM, Roger Causefiend. Yes that’s right Causefiend. And I have no idea if it is his real name. All I know is that he is a royal pain in the butt to deal with.

His latest cause is called “FAST.” That stands for the Foundation Against Slaughtered Trees. Yep, you read that right. He wants to bring an end to the idea of using Christmas Trees. He considers it to be cruel and painful to trees.

Now I ask you even if we didn’t kill trees for Christmas, would we stop using them for building? It was a question I pointed out to him. His reply was that it didn’t justify this despicable practice of attempting “pine genocide.”

I have a feeling though that Roger will have trouble selling this idea to the public. The last thing I heard he had been assaulted by a troop of Boy Scouts that were using the selling of Christmas trees as a means of fund raising.

I imagine though it won’t slow him down. I’m sure once he gets out of the hospital he’ll be back on the streets once again trying to picket Christmas Tree lots if he gets out before the end of the holidays, which at the time of writing this was before the end of the season. If not, then I imagine he’ll find something else to get pissed about.

I suppose that it is good he does get excited about something. I’m not sure in his case that relates to being sane, but I don’t get the impression he worries about that part.

And the thing is at least he never has much reason to yawn. Which regardless of his lunacy makes him less bored than the rest of my city.

ALWAYS

Isn’t being “that close” the worst feeling in the world? To come so close to see a dream come true and then miss it is for me the most gut wrenching pisser you can have. Which is why I work so hard to avoid that kind of situation whenever possible. I know you can’t do it always, but I sure try.

Part of the problem from my point of view is with a person’s scale of conformity. By that I mean the more you build up your expectations for success the greater the disappointment if it doesn’t happen. And at the same time the more you build up the expectation the more often you get so caught up by it all that you aren’t careful about taking the necessary steps to be sure it really happens.

You see if you can resist keeping your head in the clouds (or shoved where the sun don’t shine) and apply some logic to this thing you will be able to make the leap from impossible dream to a slam dunk. I can say that and understand it, but it doesn’t mean I am any good at DOING it!

That doesn’t mean I don’t know any better. It is a struggle at times to try and exhale my fantasy and ask the tough questions. Like what kind of plan can I come up that will turn this fantasy into reality.

It is amazing at times how numbers sure can burst any bubble. When you sit down and plot a strategy like it was an offensive then you know the risks and the potential casualties (including one’s sanity!)

The only problem is that all of this kind of thing is purely boring. There isn’t much of a chance to dream when you strip yourself down from a house of delusion and look at the foundation of facts. It gets tough to ignore a crack in the foundation and paint over it with some dream or lie.

Still I know there is plenty of fantasy building going on. The construction signs can be seen so often in people’s eyes. And let me tell you a whole lot of them hung up those “under construction” signs without any building plans or building permits.

That is old and tragic case of what they call putting the cart before the horse. Or from my view it means worrying about greasing the wheels without giving thought to where you find a mangy plug cheap that will pull the dumb thing. Basically we’re talking about thinking with your moods instead of your brain.

As a politician that is a good thing to me. I mean I get lots of mileage as a Mayor by making promises base on everything, but the facts. And if I do it right the people will even be applauding me.

That part I love. I just don’t get as thrilled with I let myself buy into my own manure and then forget how much it really stinks. What can I say? Sanity? Good for planning, but not for dreaming and lying. Enough said?

DEM BONES

Nope, I’m not trying to bring back Halloween. Nice holiday, lots of fun for kids and all, but that isn’t my goal.

When I speak of bones, I’m talking about the corpses of our failures we love to try and keep buried. The basic rule to me is that the bigger your are in terms of exposure the tougher it is to find a graveyard that somebody won’t find.

And I don’t think it is too hard to appreciate how many “grave” diggers there are in the news media that want to find those kinds of bones. They all can be pretty vicious when so motivated.

Speaking for myself I am aware of this reality and thus am forced to walk the tightrope between cultivated a flawless public image and finding a way to hide my map to where “dem bones” of my blunders are buried. How do I accomplish this you might ask? There are several methods that work for me.

The first is “hiring” myself my own grave digger. In my case that is my pal, news paper reporter Hugo Muckraker. Admittedly to be sure he doesn’t lose his credibility as a grave digger we do have to be sure he finds some bones at times. Just not the “dem bones” from my grave yard.

But that is a price I’m willing to pay you understand. Allow somebody else’s skeleton’s to get found doesn’t upset me at all. I think you can appreciate how I would be a tad happy to sacrifice somebody else in that regard.

Now beyond hiring my own grave digging reporter the other side of it is to try and keep the bones to a limited number. By that I mean doing what I can to negate a situation where it might become a bone.

So it means honing my public image in a way where I try to keep the upbeat part as generic as possible. You know say I’m a great guy. Only do it in a way that I don’t go overboard and make it sound like I’m some kind of saint.

That is the part where I see the biggest blunders. People let their egos get in the way of the reality. They just can resist going overboard and trying to paint themselves as practically a god.

Which when you get that carried away it is like painting a big sign that says, “Hey I got one heck of a big cemetery and I’m so full of it in terms of ego that I might even tell you where it is if you suck up to me enough.” Believe me when you get that far gone in terms of thinking you are so perfect and invincible you might as well bend over because somebody is going to chew on your rear end big time.

Still that won’t change some people. Regardless of the times dem bones get found and the times you end up not keeping them hidden, people still try to hide them and brag at the same time. All I can say is enjoy being stupid because when the bones appear in a story everybody will know it.

A LITTLE ROMANCE

Is there anybody out there that doesn’t want to feel loved? I doubt it. I didn’t say thought it meant everyone was going to end up feeling that way. And contrary to what some might think I do not have a list of phone numbers available where you can rent love. Officially at least I don’t. We won’t discuss unofficial for obvious reasons.

Still as far as I’m concerned I can’t help, but wonder about how many people are grumpy because of the lack of a little romance in their lives? Just being honest here to the degree that I can be honest.

Now I know I’m prone to jest about the bible thumpers at times, but I do wonder at times given the “ahem” calorically challenged image they have if it affects their attitude. I mean let’s be honest. In this world where image is everything, the poor person who wasn’t blessed by Mother Nature with a perfect or attractive body will generally get the shaft socially. I didn’t say I advocated that, merely just observing.

While that might be the way so many shallow and self-absorbed people are, it sure doesn’t mean the person who isn’t attractive doesn’t want to be loved. Only problem is regrettably they will probably find it a whole lot tougher to find it.

Getting back to the bible thumpers my main question is would they be so darn moral about things like the kind of “dating” that comes naturally if they honestly had more dates? It just seems like getting on a soap box or behind a pulpit to preach in favor of abstinence when you don’t have a choice hardly impresses me.

However I guess when you don’t have a choice you’ll never know what choice you would really make. So you can enjoy living with whatever delusion works for you best.

For those of us who know we are hopeless addicts to finding love anyway we can, well forget the preaching. Just tell us were to find it!

Ah life is such a fun time when you stop pretending about silly things down you think? And who knows perhaps with a little effort and the right type of coaching I might be able to set free some of those folks who are prisoners of their inhibitions.

It might be a difficult chore. But I’m willing to try. And if by chance I can’t succeed in teaching them the proper ways of finding a little romance I might be able to steer them in the direction of a tutor who can.

I doubt I’ll get much thanks from anyone for trying to help my fellow man in that regard. Sometimes you just have to be content with the knowledge that you’ve done a good deed.

(Of course it never hurts when you also get a few bucks for doing the good deed either. Some might call that being selfish. I call it being thoughtful. However we won’t discuss what the police will call it. No sense doing that and spoiling the joy of my delusions now is there?”

THE TIES THAT WHINE

Ah I couldn’t resist enjoying this play on words in terms of that old religious phrase about bless be the ties the bind. Now the bible thumpers can talk about those ties being a blessing. I don’t want to mock them, but honestly it sure seems like those ties sometimes aren’t ones they necessarily enjoy. At least they sure seem to have more than their share of disagreement.

For myself the simple approach and more gratifying is dealing with the ties that whine. I’m speaking of when we pull together because we are all pissed off at the same thing. You can talk all you want about how much love is great. But let me tell you from where I’m standing nothing creates a more powerful bond that a desire for revenge. And if you can find an alley, now that’s pure magic.

Hey think what you want. However I know that people thrive on being able to be a hero. And what better way to accomplish it than in a group where you don’t have to worry about risking your own behind without somebody else helping out. There’s just a greater chance for courage when you know you aren’t alone in that sense. I find that from my view as your basic weak-kneed spineless jelly fish of a scum-sucking pig of a politician to a be pure joy. I can feel courage right up to the point of sacrificing every drop of another person’s blood. Now that, as they say, is ENTERTAINMENT!

This might seem trivial to those of you out there who are honest or have values, but for a person like me who must win by feasting off another’s misery, er, darn I keep meaning to delete. I jot down notes for these postings on correspondence I get from people. And I just never get around to scratching those words off. Oh well, at least the person who wrote them found somebody else to hate more than me. After all I’m not the only liar and crook on the planet.

In any case I think I’ve tried to find the gold in the middle of the dross that exists in terms of alliances and relationship. I’m sure you’ve all heard of strange bedfellows as it applies to some relationships. Let me tell you I’ve sure had a few strange ones. Why there was this one when this one woman and I went to a motel and she brought these whips and, um, never mind.

Basically, I’m celebrating here. I’m paying tribute to the glorious and fruitful joy of harmony among the thorns of discontent. What majesty. What mystery. What a wonderful crock of bull!

It sure does sound impressive though. Still I have no delusions. Today’s ally can be tomorrow’s mortal enemy. So the one thing I do is to try and never presume I can depend upon somebody driven by hate to still feel the same later when he’s not pissed off.

I just try and keep the party going as long as possible. And if he happens to have a great looker of a wife, then I want him to stay at the party as long as I can so his wife I can, er darn. That is one tie I’ll just have to keep from giving details about in a PG blog.

FROM GOOP TO NUTS

Just doing a little play on words about that old saying “from soup to nuts.” I don’t like soup and only eat nuts when I’m drinking so my version seemed more helpful. Well at least in terms of what I want to talk about.

Goop is that word I think we use for some blob of whatever that is kind of sticky and messy. There can be good goop that you use as some kind of glue for fixing things and bad goop in terms of something that has turned that way from rotting.

As a politician though I have to deal with a whole different kind of goop. It is the one that exists between the ears. I’m thinking of the thoughts that people have that sometimes get totally demented and silly.

More specifically I’m talking about the type of goop where the thinking ends up holding us prisoner to some type of rut. It is amazing the crap we will put up to keep from having to change.

Like when you see somebody who does nothing, but complain about his or her crappy job. Yet they never go out and try to find a better job. All they do is sit back and seem to almost thrive on complaining.

Is it just me or is that just one big rut filled with goop and you for whatever reason seem to enjoy staying messy and complaining about not being able to get clean. Well it might help if you started by getting out of the rut huh?> Or is that a little too complicated for a person with a pinhead of a brain to grasp?

To start with then let’s try to serve up some healthy goop here. Life sucks. Yes it does. The world is filled with billions of people and way too many are greedy, backstabbing rats. It is a reality, live with it.

Why do I call that good goop? Because if you get off your brain and starting actually using it then you could stop wasting time being pissed by the facts of life as I call it. Instead you would look at it and be able to say, okay this stinks and it isn’t going to get better. So I’m not going to join the rest of the morons and let this crude fill up my rut.

You know what really makes a rut, a rut? It is the dirt in our minds that blinds our eyes into only seeing the rut as a rut.

Remove that dirt in terms of your thinking and who knows you might finally find a smile buried under all the muck and goop. You might not be able to change the rut, but it doesn’t mean you have to keep thinking of it as one.

Hey, I’m not trying to say you don’t have right to get pissed. Just asking the question. Are you having a good time? If not, well did they start the party and you haven’t showed up yet? I’ll let you answer that one for yourself. As for me, I’ll pass the goop, keep smiling and do what I can to let the rut not drag me into missing the groove where I find a little fun.

PUTTY IN MY PLANS

It is such a great feeling it is to deal with people who don’t know when I’m lying my butt off. They really help to make up for the ones who ask to many questions.

If that life were composed of only people made of clay and no iron. How much easier life would be for a guy like me.

And that might happen more often if my plans were as easy to fulfill as it is to lie to some people. That is the tough part. People have a tendency to stop being gullible when they find how you are a total moron and never say anything that is accurate. I really hate when that happens!

The great part is that there are plenty of people out there desperate and willing to buy into any plan if they think they will somehow benefit from it. Nothing turns a hard heart into putty quicker than greed.

The big challenge at times is sorting through the people who claim to be generous from those who really are. There is nothing harder to cope with than a person infected with the malady of being a decent person. I really fear at times that such people could actually take over. God would that be a nightmare.

But then I gain my sanity back and know that will never happen. The greedy will always win out over the people with morals because we have no shame or conscience and cheating is as natural as breathing for us.

However I do have to concentrate on doing what I can to be sure I always find the clay folks as often as possible. That is hard work, yet well worth the investment of time when it comes to find scapegoats and victims when my plans don’t work out.

Still I never tired of the hunt. Somewhere out there are the wonderful moldable minds who will be eager and willing to let me experiment in the arena of will this stupid plan actually work?

Of course I do believe in helping to serve my fellow man whenever I can. True my idea of serving them is in the object lesson of teaching them the futility of trusting any politician, but I do what I can.

Thus I will continue my vigil to search for worthy candidates who will embrace the concept of learning when it means them sacrificing their wealth in order to help me fulfill an idea that is totally impossible to work.

I wish such a service inspired more gratitude. But alas sometimes the word thank you is hard to expect from some guy you inspired to fork over his life savings so you could use it to try and — well, you can fill in that blank with any absolutely ridiculous plan you want. I know I have and will continue to do so as long as possible.

As they say it is a living. And will continue to be so as long as I can find another smiling brain of clay to mold with my fantasies.

CHILD'S PLAY

Oh yeah now this is one of those things where we are so brimming over with confidence. The world is just so vulnerable, we are full of power and capacity to conquer at will. It is a terrific feeling, so full of energy and joy. Which normally last right up to the point where you fail miserably for being so stupid in presuming you had stopped being a mere mortal.

Child’s play? I guess it would work better if whatever it was happened to be done by a child and didn’t end up making you screw up so bad you looked like you were as immature in your thinking as a child.

Okay does it ever happen that we are truly as smart as we think we are? I’m sure there are a few out there that can claim it. I can too, at night when nobody is looking to see my face reveal how much I’m lying.

So I treat the whole thing as one big silly game. To sing with a positive tune about how the world is perfect and when the sun rises tomorrow it will be a harbinger of impending utopia is a glorious feeling. However when hell comes instead, well the only child playing probably calls the devil as daddy.

Still we have to try and muster that wondrous and thrilling oratory of hope that is absent of facts or reality. I mean we have worked darn hard lying to ourselves and distorting the facts so we deserve a reward.

Let’s strike up the band and have a parade to celebrate the glory of when fantasy and reality become the same. Oh I might be fiction and it might be less than perfect, but darn it all we have the right to once and a while dream without having to wake up.

No the purpose of this posting is not to ramble on about a bunch of silly crap. I’m just sharing all of this because I’m trying to give my recent blunder some emotional cushion.

It was another of those stupid moments of presumed lucidity when I THOUGHT that I was in control and had all the answers. Only I forget to check with fate. So naturally the unexpected rained on my delusion and what I thought was child’s played turned out to be a very complicated chess match where the other guy involved was first able to claim check mate.

The only good thing is that now I know he’s running around thinking everything is child’s play. And no doubt he’s boasting too.

Which is great for me. Because soon enough I’ll be able to manage a little game called payback. Depending on my mood I might be the one to remind him that child’s play on really qualifies if you WIN!

But that again depends on my mood. I just say that because it is more pretending at the moment that I’m not as greedy and prone to love revenge as is true. Later though I’ll probably enjoy it when I know I’m safe from revenge in terms of bragging how something was child’s play. I just hope it will be worth the wait. That depends on who I can get to listen to my lies.

STEAM, BEAM AND GLEAM

What do these three words have in common besides rhyme? To me it is the concept of stimulus. By that I mean with steam your really pissed. A beam is a sight that catches your eye that you were expecting. And a gleam is that dazzle of awe from something that you expected to shine, but it exceeded your expectations.

That’s my definition. At the Limburger Blog for demented ramblings by hopelessly corrupt con men and devoted liars it is my definition that counts. At least for this moment. Tomorrow will depend upon things like how well I keep being able to dodge those questions someone in authority might ask about my interpretation of what is legal in terms of “borrowing” from the city’s coffers. “Ahem,” perhaps we should just move on, shall we?

Now why is any of that important? For me it is because in one way it represents potential response from voters to some of my plans. You end up with those who you piss off no matter what. Then there are those who treat something you say as being like a beam of light that shines directly on their problem. They think you personally did whatever just for them.

Finally there are the gleam folks. They are the ones that are so overwhelmed and grateful that somebody showed and interest in their problem they honestly are so blinded emotionally they don’t listen to the facts.

The one thing they all have in common is the person has faulty perceptions and expectations. You can be darn sure that no matter what happens good or bad they will either hate you or love you for all the wrong reasons. And that, boys and girls is not a good thing.

But you can’t avoid the preoccupied minds that enter into a situation having already made up their minds without ever having seen the facts. So all you can do is try and focus on not doing anything intentionally to give the person an added and real reason to feel the way they feel.

That is just as important with the gullible dreamers as it is with the “I’ll hate your guts for eternity” types. Because there is always the chance that the person will manage sanity eventually and then if that beam or gleam dims, their reaction can be worse than the steam people.

For me all of this detail rattles around my brain whenever I have to deal with somebody as a Mayor. I’m always making a mental note to check and make sure whether the person falls in one of the three categories.

Of minor note is the fact that the person in the steam category really is the easiest to deal with since most of the time they will let off steam about a whole lot of things. So when you see someone they know they will appreciate how crabby the person is and will not worry too much about that person’s complaints when that is all they do.

As for the rest, well I just try to enjoy their light while it lasts. And if the lights go out, I just do my best to not return their phone calls.

PAY NOW, PAY LATER, HECK JUST PAY

I bet you’ve seen those commercials where they talk about making the choice to either pay for something now (being a hint that it will be cheaper) or pay later. They’re saying, “Okay dummy, give me some bucks right now to do a small preventive maintenance or later I’ll soak you through the nose for being an idiot.)

But you know what? When you think about it they wouldn’t be doing that kind of advertising unless they knew how many people don’t accept that wisdom.

It is like with the idiot lights on a car’s dash. Any of you ever ignore that one that reads “service engine soon?” Shoot I saw in this one program once where the guy went so far as to put a piece of duct tape over the light so he didn’t have to see it. Getting it fixed might have been smarter, but who says we prefer the smart thing if it costs up money and we can avoid the expense a while longer?

I wish this wasn’t a far too constant reminder of how often we all end up procrastinating when prevention would safe us a future headache. There are just some things we love to avoid whenever possible. Fact of life.

And the one thing we can be sure of is that the people selling us crap know how we behave. Does anyone want to tell me that they don’t sit back with a nice strategy that allows for that reality? If you don’t think then I imagine you one of those types that believes the government always tell the truth.

Basically that is the type of hopelessly gullible human being that wouldn’t benefit from the facts anyway. If you fall under that category then I’m happy for you because you’re the wonderful kind of person that will never ask me any embarrassing questions about the city budget. I love you as a voter and citizen in my city. You’re tops in my book of wonderful people who are happy being ignorant.

As for the rest of you skeptics, well go ahead and play that game of gambling you can pay for it later and it not be a disaster. You the average kind of person from what I’ve seen. And if it wasn’t for you think of the businesses that handle major repairs that would never get rich.

You can truly feel proud that you are doing your part to help keep the economy of some people in the black. So go out and celebrate. Providing you car isn’t in the shop for major repairs because you ignored one of those pesky warning lights.

If you car does work then even better. Let’s hope it will keep running long enough for you to have a nice dinner on your plastic. That is assuming you haven’t maxed it out like the rest of us.

Ah isn’t life so wonderful as a consumer? You can definitely have your cake and eat it too. Right up to the point the finance company has to repo it because it was all you had left to use as collateral.

PASSING THE OTHER GUY'S BUCK

President Harry Truman was well known for the saying “the buck stops here.” It was commendable and very courageous of him to be willing to accept responsibility for the things that happen during his administration.

That might have worked for him, but I’m not so lucky. Okay call that being a wimp if you want, but since unlike the President I’m not by nature an honest person, I have a whole lot of reasons to not want to let the buck of accusation come anywhere near me. You can be assured that I work very hard not only dodge any bucks passed my way, but in passing them to others whenever possible. I am governed in that regard by the basic political tenet as it applies to your typical greedy and lying elected official. That goes “there is no problem small enough to not blame on somebody else.”

There are some I’m sure that would frown on such a philosophy. However I imagine that most of them have never been elected either. And I imagine they never will even if by chance they should decide to run.

Perhaps there are even a few politicians who manage to get reelected without passing the buck, but I have a feeling a lot more are a little less than truthful in that regard. Which is okay by me even if they would prefer to pretend that the lies they tell about the truth are really not lies.

I didn’t really mean to take that detour. It just is hard to avoid going down that road once I get on this subject.

My main reason for talking about it though was to speak more of the art of providing that glorious and loving practice of helping somebody else to pass a buck. Ah let me tell you there is no more satisfying a feeling that having helped somebody out with such a good deed.

Although there may be a few less that uninhibited souls out there who would be inclined to question calling such a act of charity and tolerance as good, I consider it that one. First of all for me it is the compassion of acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. Secondly it is attempting to be a source of encouragement that grants the person some form of mercy and a chance to start over. I think that is so important when dealing with people who serve in the public’s eye.

Having said all of that I don’t wish to leave anyone with the wrong impression. That was just part of what I tell people when they are in such a need and I’m involved I some way.

As for my most important motivation, well what can I say? I have always found those I lend a helping deceitful had too as most grateful for my assistance.

Which when used in the right way can come in very handy later when I call upon them for a favor. (Or call upon them to pay for me to keep my mouth shut to insure I end up with amnesia.)

Yep, there is not substitute for the simple joy of helping others. (Unless it is the bag of cash I get at times for such assistance!)

STUPID IS AS SOMEBODY SAYS DO IT

Have you ever had those moments of lament when you looked back at some blunder and asked, “What the heck was I thinking?” This is a rhetorical question, which really isn’t one you want someone to answer since you already know that information. It’s called being human. Although that doesn’t mean we have to rejoice in such a hopeless mar in our thinking.

A few years ago there was a movie about a mentally challenged main character that stumbled through life and had the most amazing as well as blessed experiences. In this movie they made famous the phrase “stupid is as stupid does.” I think that truly does express the reality of choices in some cases. You based your decision on bad information or faulty thinking and it spells disaster regardless of how smart you think you are.

So I’m not sure you have to be stupid to make stupid choices. It might make for a better excuse than those of us we who think we aren’t stupid might come up with, but that doesn’t guarantee you can expect to go through life without making a few mistakes.

I don’t think I’m saying anything new or that people don’t really know. So how come we end up with so many times seeing people doing their best to lie rather than admit they were having a really bad day?

What really annoys me is that I can sit here and ramble on about this fact and I still end up getting into those mindsets in which I expect perfection. I wish I could avoid that problem, but I just know that sooner or later I’m going to get sucked into some fit of overconfidence and then the next thing that happens it some truly embarrassing episode will occur. Any guesses on who gets the bill for the humiliation?

I’m trying to work on being more understanding with the people who work for me in this area. That truly takes a great deal of effort though. Some of them don’t seem to get through a day without making a bad choice.

That almost ends up coming back to haunt me because they will have the prudence to pick a time when as many people as possible not only learn about the blunder, but also they do it in a way that ensures it reflects upon me. I don’t have any idea how they always achieve that little part. However I know if I learn about if from some phone call of complaint the next thing that happens is that somebody decides it is all my fault.

There are times I do my best to try and tell myself that perhaps the worse is over. That if I just get through this valley of stupidity I won’t have to visit another one.

It sure sounds wonderful. Maybe someday it will even be true. For the present I just try to be content with any day that somebody doesn’t call one of my employees and me morons as a good day. Who knows perhaps today will be one of those? Darn the phone is ringing. “Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sorry about that. Could you hold on for a second please? Thanks.”

Guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow to see if it is a good day. Right now I’m just hoping that I can think of a good lie to keep this guy from carrying out his threats!

CLOSING A CAN OF WORMS

Ah now this is definitely not an easy challenge. Basically in my mind opening a can of worms is to unleash some gossip or serious of wormy headaches as the result of a bad decision. And it doesn’t result in a simple consequence. Any basic chance to say “OOPS” and then move on.

Nope, there is just no easy way to close the lid on a bunch of slimy worm consequences to a personal blunder that keep oozing all over the future. Plus you can be darn sure that nobody is going to forget those words.

In fact they will probably result in somebody deciding it is time to go fishing. Which translates into them taking those worms and bating a hook in order to grab some really juicy tidbit of scandal. So the worms of repercussions to an initial mistake can end in the person really catching the big one. That is when they find out some major fishy catch and that is something that you would give anything to have never found out.

So have I actually managed to pain the image that this isn’t a good thing? And how this can of worms is not going to be a joy either? Plus it is in that since like I said no easy thing to stop oozing.

Now how do I personally managed to achieve stuffing those worms back into a can? Well there are several methods that give me a reasonable chance of success. But no guarantees you understand, just chances, which are still better than none.

The first option is to “bribe” the person wanting to go fishing. That involves giving them a different can of worms. Basically ratting out somebody else so they find fishing for their scandals more appealing than looking in your pond.

If by chance you are unfortunately dealing with something disgusting that may have ethics or values then that might be rather tough. That is when you have to see if you can find their can of worms. And for some reason you can’t find it then you invent one. Yep a few appropriate lies can take other people’s minds off of worms. Hopefully.

Of course none of that gets the worms back in a can. That involves in some cases the need to um, kill the worms so to speak. Which amounts to destroying them by getting rid of the evidence. Depending on the type of worm that can be a challenge, but not impossible. If you are lucky you fill find some helpful “bird” who loves to eat worms or basically helps to make that worm disappear because they live on such scandals.

Got all that clear? Hope it helps when you end up with a can of worms and are stressing out on how to close it once it spills. And if by chance none of those options works for you I’ve save the best choice for last. It’s call looking at the worms and asking “what worms?” If someone points out the one’s that came out of the can you reply by asking “what can?”

Basic theme here in that sense when in doubt claim eye trouble. It is just as good a lie as those with good vision, but close their eyes anyway.

TO GLOVE, ARMOR AND STAY

Isn’t it wonderful how some things that are totally stupid stick in your head? And for me the one thing that causes that more than anything is having to dealing with certain people who are shall we say, reality challenged?

I’ve learned to cope with that for the most part out of necessity because as a politician the one thing I have to do is put up with crap from people and smile in the process. Sucking up is just of those things I learned to accept if I wanted to stay in office.

It disgusting at times having to nod and agree with some moron that his myopic view of life is credible, but I do the best I can. And about the only time that it really gets tough is when I’m dealing with certain individuals who love to constantly recite some favorite quote. No big deal, but they always quote it wrong. Those are the ones I have the hardest time dealing with and not end up giving in to the urge to strangle them.

I have way to many such people in my city, but there is this one kid who is worst than the others. I won’t bore you with things like his name, but let me tell you folks if there is one thing you don’t want to do is have him quote anybody.

Unfortunately there are situations where I simply have to deal with him, so that means getting stuck with knowing somewhere in the conversation he’ll try to impress me with some dribble that is totally inaccurate. Talk about a time that tries a man’s soul, that tops it for me.

The other day for example I ended up having to deal with him before I had to go to this wedding. Those can be very wonderful events. (Personally I love to go because of the women there who are single and desperate. Some cousin of the bride who will need comforting! And I never pass up the chance to offer such comment.)

Well that was when this guy I was dealing with decide to pass on his comments regarding wedding vows. Which amounted to his rambling about how he would never get married since he didn’t like having to wear an armored suit.

I stupidly decided to ask for an explanation. And he gave me one that was equally stupid. Basically in his demented view the wedding vows started with each person promising to “glove, armor and stay.” So to him that meant that you couldn’t really be married unless you own a suit of armor that you wore at times.

A further “proof” of this in his opinion was because of the fact that is why when people go on a honeymoon they always look forward to the wedding “knight.” Hey folks please don’t groan. I’m just reporting here.

I have to admit that by the time he got to talking about how wedding knights all spent time at some place owned by a guy name Keen Arthur who sold used camels on a lot I had elected to pretend I had gone deaf. And the only thing that allowed me to survive was thinking about all the ladies at the wedding I could comfort. That’s my secret to surviving such people in my city, think about whatever pleasure I can find once I escape them!

MEEKNESS, WEAKNESS AND SLEAKNESS

My first observation about each of these is that only weak has an “a” as part of the word. That A has meaning to me a symbol of one thing. Which I guess from my view in terms of allowing myself to get philosophical it implies that whereas with meekness and sleekness they can be generic or a combination of elements weakness is recognized by a specific aspect. Okay I’m sure you are probably sitting there going huh?

So let me try and clarify if I can. Meekness is to be gentle and that can be a good thing in some cases, but maybe not all. The point is there can be an upside. And the same is true for sleekness. It can apply to looking good.

However weakness to me doesn’t really have an upside. It won’t do anything for your reputation unless you like having people laugh at you behind your back.

Still in this category of “ness” and things that sound a like it fits. Why? Well maybe because it rhymes. And thus I think in terms of thoughts if the mind drifts to making connections then that will end up coming to the forefront as something you don’t want to be true.

Where the heck am I headed with all of this? I guess simply to say, that in a way what I see is that each of these beside rhyming is something that in some ways you invite to be thought about if you aspire to one of the others. Yeah that’s what I’m saying. I didn’t say you would necessarily agree, but for example, if you are gentle somebody will probably think you are weak. And if you do achieve a form of sleekness somebody might think you’ve been sick and thus are weak.

Which is why I put weakness in the middle of the three. For in the process of aspiring to something good in one of the other two categories you risk some rat translating it into a weakness.

Whew! I was beginning to wonder myself to a point if I was going to write my way out o that one! And I guess I succeed, um sort of.

I know you might be shaking your head and saying what a waste of space and time. In which case I think you just proved my point. See you went for the throat and found what to you was the weakness in my effort to practice sleekness in my writing. And hoping I could win you over with a meekness in my thoughts so you wouldn’t have a reason to stop reason.

That’s why I said all of them go together. And as a politician, believe me I have a reason to want to keep it in mind. Because I know regardless of what people say you can be darn sure that some will be putting those three words together.

But go ahead and pretend to be sleek and meek in a good way. That way you won’t have to worry about somebody figuring out what you know on the inside regarding being weak. All I can say in that regard is “join” the club folks!

WHEN ALL IS SAID AND LIED ABOUT

Those are the great moments of reflection. Providing one grants himself the “license” to revise the facts to support the most inspirational and positive consequences of such a labor. Yep, a dash of invention and proper editing will turn any event and failure into a glorious victory.

Does that truly help? Absolutely. And if it didn’t then why would so many corporations and even our government specialize in having more than one version of the facts? Hey, I’m not complaining, I’m just reporting. Plus I want to say I’m darn proud of those guys for giving us a realistic model to follow.

Who cares what the real score of a contest is if you can prove by deception and massaging the facts that you won? Admittedly if the competition ends up with the trophy you might be pressed to explain it, but heck that just requires a little extra creative effort.

Now why is it important? Because it if for posterity boys and girls. I mean I’m speaking of the version you want in the history books for future generations to see.

And if you write it correctly then shoot you might end up a hero no matter how much this generation thinks you are a loser and a wimp. I’m just tossing out the helpful suggestion that it never hurts to keep in mind that you never have truly lost as long as somebody thinks you won.

I know this might seem petty. But honestly aren’t a lot of things in life just plain dumb and stupid?

So what is wrong with accepting the stupidity for what it is and grab for all the gusto you can even if you have to pretend because you too gutless to do it for real? Does that sound cruel to admit?

Hey folks, I’m going to tell you one thing I have observed. A whole lot of people love to lie about their courage. They would prefer to make it sound like they are heroes when they aren’t. I can’t blame them, but the plain fact one of the reasons we shun the idea of cowardice is because we all are afraid of something and we don’t like to seen anything that reminds us of that fact.

Which is why folks I’m offering this whole thing up as a consideration. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have anything, but feet of clay. Yet, I don’t let it ruin my day. I just find a way to win away. It is called cheating.

Well you might disagree with me. You might say you always prefer to be an in your face kind of person. I say go for it pal.

Meanwhile I’ll be the one cowering in the corner and waiting till you’ve gone bust by that approach so I can rush out and lie and take what you are too exhausted to claim. Then we shall see who is smiling!

UP YOURS

This is a wonderful sentiment in terms of thinking about how you feel regarding some jerk. It might not be something you can always say, but it doesn’t mean you can think it.

And as endearing as it is to think in terms of that kind of up yours, that isn’t quite what I had in mind for this posting. I just wanted to toss it out there in case it got you to keep reading.

I was actually thinking in terms of what is up your in terms of desires. Up being the optimum word since I’m talking good things instead of bad things. That is I should say good in terms of the person. Which might not be good in somebody else’s view naturally, but is good to that person.

Up yours thus is important to me since knowing what is up yours in terms of interest will allow me to have a better chance of relating to you. If I know what makes you smile I can be sure I do something that will give you a reason to think I’m an okay guy. Plus it makes things so much easier in terms of things like keeping you grinning and dazed while I am figuring out a way to pick your pocket.

Is that sleazy and disgusting? You better belief it. But the one good thing is that is does grant me the glorious chance to steal and abuse someone while making them feel good in the process. Now is that being thoughtful or what?

Okay for those who want to try and imply my motives suck and I’m a lousy rat I reply, so what? Yeah you heard that I said SO WHAT?

All I want to know is, which is really better so have so guy with no compassion steal you blind or somebody who at least will give you a reason to say thank you? I prefer that approach.

But just to show you I’m not totally into denial here I can say that my main reason for taking attitude is simple fear. I have no desire to end up painting a bull’s eye on my forehead because I pissed off some maniac and didn’t realize it.

Plus I consider it a form of art too. It takes talent and creativity to be able to lure people with believable lies. I savor the “paintings” I can make with my deceptions.

I just wish there was a way to put them on display for art lovers everywhere to enjoy. Now that would really bring a tear to some people’s eyes. Probably my victims when they discovered that I suckered them, but hey it would create emotion.

And so I tarry in constant vigil to spread joy and uplifting hope to a needy world. Along the way creating a few happy memories of being cared about by those I don’t care about. Now I ask you isn’t that kind of service worth the price of me ripping them off for as much as possible. You may applaud if you wish. But keep any groans to yourself.

CHEERS, BEERS AND SNEERS

Ah yes ‘happy hour.’ Just thinking of it brings back such wonderful memories. There is nothing more joyous than a good excuse. At least too me. And when I can have one in terms of visiting some favorite watering hole then it is even better.

Saving money is always a great excuse. It gives me a reason to lie about leaving work early, which I never complain about naturally. Plus as I said I feel proud of myself for attempting to save money.

I think the key word there is “attempting.” That is because I normally end up buying twice as much as I would at the regular time and thus I actually spend more rather than less during happy hour.

Still knowing that does inspire me to be sure I plan ahead for spending more knowing it is actually sort of saving money. To that end I just get extra creative in terms of you know finding ways to be sure I suck the funds out of the city’s coffers to finance this little savings effort.

Okay no sneers please. I know you will, but you can’t blame me for saying it anyway. Oh I know you can, but is how I’m going to see it in order to feel better about it from my point of view. Which is what counts when I’m trying to keep from feeling like a creep or too guilty.

Besides from the way I’m looking at it, I’m actually saving the city money in a way. I mean if I’m going to steal from the voters at least I making sure that I’m getting the best deal for my buck! Er that is the voter’s buck. Well not that I can tell them that naturally.

And that is the one thing I guess that really gripes me. Here I am knocking myself out to be thoughtful and considerate and not squander the funds I rip off from the city and voters and I can’t even share my effort with anyone. That is just so unfair.

Gee it sure would make a great campaign slogan if I could get away with it. Vote for Rash. Where you’re stolen tax dollars will be used more efficiently. That has such great quality attached to it and it goes without being public knowledge.

Alas the perils of being a crooked politician. You lose the opportunities to share you greatest accomplishments in order to avoid any possible criminal indictments. Hmmm, I wonder if I could work out some kind of amnesty for myself in order to let the voters know how much I watching over the money they think is going for city use.

I suppose in one way it is going for city use. I mean I do work for the city. So that ought to count for something. However I kind of doubt I’ll ever get others to appreciate that reality. Ah come on folks can I have a cheer at least? I know by the sneers how you would answer that. Which is fine with me since happy hour this afternoon will be more than enough of a way to help me savor my need for appreciation!

WITH SIX YOU GET...

I vaguely remember seeing this as part of a movie the deal with six of whatever you got some free eggs rolls. And I guess my take on this is mainly about the concept of bargains.

As for the idea of six of something the primary thing it brings to mind it a six pack of beer. About the only thing you can expect to normally get for free with a six pack of beer is a hangover. That is hardly something any of us wants, but there are times when you don’t get the option.

Getting back to the idea of bargains or bonus, which is basically amounts to looking forward to getting something for nothing, well who wouldn’t enjoy that? Providing you are talking about a good bonus and not a something stupid.

I remember as a kid for example always being suckered into buying some kid’s cereal because of the prize inside. I could have cared less about the cereal since in some cases it tasted like sugary cardboard, all I wanted was that stupid toy. And no matter how many times I found the prize, which was almost always at the bottom, it never turned out to be a good as on the commercials. Yet the next time I saw another commercial did I remember the last time? Not on your life!

I have a feeling though I wasn’t alone in that behavior if anyone else is willing to admit they are suckers for getting something for nothing. The problem is that here I am years later and I still haven’t grown up in that regard. I still lust for bargains. Just hearing the word real seems to zap my reason. I end up all goofy and the greed totally controls my thinking.

Naturally I have the misfortune to have a few salesmen in my life that know this about me. So they know exactly how to set me up for some sucker punch of a deal. Which always turns out more expensive than they claim and never ends up being something of quality.

Does knowing any of this in anyway make me think twice when I hear the word bargain or bonus? Nope. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.

They say confession is good for the soul. I’m not all that persuaded I feel better for having said anything. But I do confess it does give me a certain vicarious pleasure to think that out there somebody might read this and nod and say, “boy that sure has happened to me.”

My main hope is that it is a voter and that they know politicians are experts and offering bargains that don’t exist. Which in reality is my main source of comfort since that is how I’ve been getting by in my city for years. And in a way it does help me to cope with the times I get to pass on what was done to me. Oh I never tell the voters that is part ot he reason. Why bother spoiling the illusion that I care about by saying it is revenge? Which in itself is part of what makes it such a great bargain in its own way!

WHERE SOME MUMBLES ROAM

Ah yes, the complaint department. Well it isn’t just a place is it? Nope it is more like a mood or thought. And it can exist just about anywhere than a person with a mouth can visit. We just don’t necessarily enjoy calling it the complaint department since it is far more fun to pretend we are “mature” and are more capable of coping than is really true.

The reality to me seems to be that we manage to invent extra things to mumble about beyond the usual distractions and annoyances. I personally get into the uncomfortable, but addictive habit of finding flaws in things. And so far my vision has found way too many mars in what otherwise people thing is great.

For example I was watching one of the Harry Potter movies on cable recently. I don’t remember which one to be honest since they are all great in their own way despite the bitching by the bible thumpers.

Anyway there I am trying to savor the fun of a young guy getting his jollies doing all kinds of magical stuff when it hit me. Hey, this guy can do some really impressive stuff, but he can’t fix his vision? Am I the only one that sees something stupid in that idea? Like I said that is where my mind roamed. Here I was having a moment to watch some really entertaining fantasy and my brain got stuck dwelling on what to me was a obvious contradiction to this guy being so powerful as wizard.

But that is just one encounter I’ve had like that. I have gotten in the habit of participating in this club. I won’t bore you with the details about the members, but they love to give out awards for greatness. Only the make the definition for the award so narrow only their pals end up getting the trophy.

Now I don’t mine having trophies. However if the thing is really a joke since it was contrived just to give me the trophy I don’t know I’ll just think of it as less than impressive.

Does that mean I wouldn’t accept the trophy? Not on your life. I mean it looks cool in a trophy case. And let me tell you I sure don’t bother telling somebody that sees it the real truth that it was a “gift” made to look like an award.

Not sharing that fact just gives me a chance to allow the mumbles roam a little more. I’m not sure some people need a reason. They can manage to find plenty of reasons to do that without my help. But I do my small part to make it work in that regard.

Life. You got to love the game called “favoritism.” Providing you don’t forget it is a game. What is scary is the people who treat it as reality. They want you to accept their delusion is truth.

And that folks it what to me leads to even more mumbling. Still I guess everyone has to have a hobby.

NO PLACE LIKE A PHONE

These days you got to wonder with cell phones practically glued to so many ears if this isn’t the reality. I do find myself fascinated by the obsession we have to need to ramble constantly on the phone as if every breath requires a comment.

And there are times when I sit somewhere and hear the person on the phone making sure they talk loud enough to be heard by everyone. Frankly what I hear is dribble most of the time. I’m sorry, but listening to some brain teenager jabbering about how hot some bimbo television star is doesn’t qualify to me as brilliance.

What I guess really bothers me is that because everyone else depends on the stupid cell phones I got to have one too. I loved the old days when I just used a pager. Then if I didn’t want to talk to somebody I just didn’t answer the page.

I wish that worked that way with my cell phone. Oh I do have voice mail. But there are times when I honestly have to talk to someone and so I have to make sure I answer a call when I get it.

So I’m stuck, a cell phone prey for all the predators of babble to reach. About the only good thing in that regard is the joy that comes from knowing the person can’t see me when I’m snorting after I see who is calling.

That is why I have not given in to the lure of the new camera phones. I prefer a little cloak of privacy in that regards.

The one thing I know is that the whole epidemic of cell phone use is not going to go away. There is no cure, no hope that somehow this will all come to an end. It will only get worse. Er, I guess worse isn’t the perfect choice of words is it? I suppose it might be better to say this is a disease nobody wants to get healed from experiencing.

I suppose I could um do a little imagining of what the future of phone technology will come to somebody. Perhaps having a cell phone surgically implanted in our brains when we are born so we don’t even have to carry one, just think the number and say hello. Yeah I think I even remember a movie where they had that idea.

Actually I’m toying with the idea that some really sick jerk is behind the cell phone crazed. He wants us all utterly addicted to cell phones and then at the right moment he’ll figure some way to send out some frequency so no cell phone will work. Afterwards he’ll sit back and laugh his rear end off while watching people going nuts when their cell phones don’t work. Perhaps he’ll even offer to “save” us from cell phone hell by offering us to give back our cell phone connection in return to becoming his slave.

Gee I guess I better stop talking along those lines. Otherwise there might actually be some lunatic out there who didn’t think of that option who is nodding and thinking, that is a heck of an idea.

In the meantime, I still going to tote my cell phone around and smile knowing that the only things keeping me from losing it with this cell phone insanity is voice mail and caller id!

THE WAY GROAN

Ever have to cope with too many self appointed experts in your life? Believe me if that is a blessing then I have to be one of the most blessed people on my planet.

Okay let me set the stage for you so to speak. I live is a small city. The name being Mediocrity does not translate that we are the hub of excellence or anything else for that matter that qualifies as outstanding. Heck the plain fact is for a lazy and greedy guy like me I’d be in big trouble in some other city where people really cared what happened in the city.

But for me it works. I’m happy not having to work. I’m happy just playing at life in a land where I can pretty much goof off most of the time and not worry.

The one thing I don’t want to do is actually think very hard about much of anything that requires me to work. I don’t need that kind of aggravation or sweat. So naturally I’m content in my mediocre status quo condition and on a few occasions thrill myself by actually managing to succeed at something.

Still I have no delusions about my lack of greatness. And that means I get a chance to relax and not have to beat myself up that I haven’t bother to come close in behavior to the campaign lies I say about myself.

Now having said all of that I hope you appreciate that I am not alone in that kind of lack of talent, genius or quality in my city. Actually it pretty much describes just about everyone I know in our city. For me that is a good thing. Otherwise I might have to contend with somebody smart enough and sneaky enough to try and take away my job as Mayor.

My big complaint in that regard is having to tolerate so many people who despite being other than rising stars of unparalleled worth are in reality some slug of an asteroid just poking around the space between their ears. Only in their minds they are experts and geniuses and want to bless me with their lunacy. (If you listen carefully you might even hear me sigh at this point.)

I suppose the law of averages suggests that if a person guessed enough times sooner or later they would be right at least once. But the law of averages for these clowns doesn’t appear to apply.

And what really drives me nuts is when these same people manage to convince other idiots to support their idea. Naturally they wait till they have a really big following and then they try to come to me as one insane throng bent on sharing their gems of supposed wisdom about whatever stroke of genius the one person thinks they have.

So I listen and smile and do my best not to groan when I hear what is obviously the contrived and collective fruit of folly. I can’t tell them that naturally. I just lie and then rejoice when I managed to find someway to keep their freight train of stupidity from stopping anyway in terms of action. When I succeed, I can relax and no I spared my citizens from a blunder waiting to happen. When I fail, well I just have to work twice as hard to find somebody to blame for the mistakes because the jerk who thought up the idea sure isn’t going to accept any blame.

REINVENTING THE WHEEL

This is one of those things people say when it applies to taking a good idea and trying to improve upon it. That’s okay, but like with something such as a wheel what are you going to improve? I mean beyond it being round what else is there to do?

That is the way it seems like with a number of things in society. But we just are satisfied with some things and even if they work we got to improve them.

True there are a lot of things that do need improved or fixed. No argument there. But everything? I don’t think so?

And let’s face it some systems get broke and you simply aren’t going to fix them. Or maybe they just are exhausted so you got to come up with something that will work.

Take the issue of fossil fuels. Now we all know that we can use oil forever. Sooner or later we are going to figure out an option. What? Well I leave that to the scientists to decide. They’ll probably get paid by the oil companies anyway so we might as well accept that any option will probably still be one carry one of those familiar names we see at the gas stations now.

Personally that’s okay with me. Yeah greed got them to the level of success they are at now so let these guys figure the best way to rear end us with some new crap down the road.

But that doesn’t work for some people. They want a new brain to come up with an option. And I call that STUPID.

Look it really is simple. We understand that the wheel is cool. It works, I like it the way it is.

But with fossil fuel, well it has a leak and is going flat. However that doesn’t mean we have to stop figuring the wheel they created can work. It just needs new tread to keep rolling.

Still there are those silly people out there that are going mess with deciding it isn’t enough to come up with new tread. They want some other kind of wheel altogether.

What can I say, it will still be round and still serve the same purpose so why get silly and think we are going to improve on it. That won’t keep people from wasting time and filling the atmosphere with a lot of hot air in the process.

As for me, well I plan on keeping the same wheels till the guy who makes them comes up with the new one that works like the old one, just with new tread. Personally as long as I can put it in my tank and the car runs it is good enough for me. And I don’t want any knucklehead environmentalist being the one who tells me where to fill up. If he wants to then I’ll tell him where he can put his form of wheel!

SHOP, STEAL AND DEAL

This is sort of the mechanical aspect of my life. My “con man” chore if you will. But that doesn’t mean it necessarily gets boring.

Essentially I do treat prospective customers as shoppers. Although I don’t have a catalogue I do have a price list. Well in my head at least. I’m not stupid enough to put it in writing.

And I always encourage those looking for bargains on bribes to shop around. It is difficult to browse in some ways. I mean unless you have some word of mouth reference you can hardly waltz up to some politician and ask to see his schedule of fees for services rendered that don’t fall under the category of necessarily legal.

Knowing that of course makes it easier to invite people to shop around. But even if they can I still pride myself on offering some great “steals” for the price.

Plus, for my regular customers I often have special seasonal deals. So while I don’t to claim to be the best bargain in the world I do feel I’m competitive.

I’m sure there might be a few people out there who would be shocked or angry to see me treats things like bribery as a business. But the way I see it if I am being honest and know I am planning to be a crook up front it allows me to plan so I can be as efficient as possible.

So you see from my point of view that means I’m actually saving the tax payers money since I plan these things out to make them as competitive and affordable as possible to the most number of people. Oh I wish when I said something like that it didn’t leave me with a feeling there were people groaning out there. Gosh some people can be so uncooperative in terms of understanding the need to make a living.

Which is why I regret I just can’t offer my services to everyone. There are just certain unreasonable folks that can’t adjust to such inventive approaches.

As for the rest, well if you are in the market to own a politician for fun or profit then let’s talk. Of course you will have to agree to things like being searched for hidden microphones and submitting to a background search. I mean I’m sure you wouldn’t begrudge me the right to a little protection.

Well I hate to cut this short, but I have to have a staff meeting with my sales staff. Yeah that’s what I call them. I know perhaps blood sucking leeches might be more appropriate to some. However I just don’t see the value in degrading my help.

In the meantime I hope you are satisfied with your current political “contributions” if you are presently enjoying some “arrangement” with an elected official. If not, then maybe we can have a chat sometime.

After all if you don’t “shop” you might miss out on a steal of a deal. And we sure wouldn’t want that now would we?

DAGGERS PLUS

We’ve got several stores in my city that have plus as part of their titles. The idea I think is of course that the sell whatever “plus,” meaning they want to let you know they have more than that one product.

Now the sane idea of course to me would be that the “plus” items would in some way be related to the main item they sell. In some cases that has been true, but not always.

So for example if I’m looking for cleaning supplies and I see a place that sells “mops plus” I sort of expect they will probably have cleaning supplies as part of the plus. I did regard that as being unreasonable from my point of view.

Of course there is no law that says whatever you offer as plus has to match you main item. Which means nobody can complain if they go into a store marked “mops plus” and find everything else is related to books. I might think it is weird, but that doesn’t mean the person did anything wrong.

Sometimes it does get interesting though. I have found some truly unusual situations where the person’s idea of plus left me scratching my head. But at the same time there are the occasions when it has left me feeling good because the plus turned out to be something I needed.

One situation that didn’t qualify in my view happened the other day. I found a flyer on my car advertising the grand opening of this place called “Daggers Plus.” It wasn’t that I needed a dagger, but the thought came to mind the most likely sold all kinds of knives.

My wife has been griping that we needed a new set of steak knives at home. Which hardly seems worth getting excited about considering how little she cooks, but I guess I just got tired of her complaining.

So I figured at lunch time I would drop by the place and see if I could surprise my wife with a new set of knives. And given how little we use them I figured they would probably last the rest of our lives.

I drove up to the address and went inside. What can I say? Um perhaps that visiting there wasn’t exactly the high point of my day or week and especially not month.

Oh they had daggers plus alright, but not knives. The owner in her infinite wisdom thought the most appropriate thing to sell as plus for a dagger was various items related to things a witch might used. We’re talking disgusting stuff like jars full of really nasty look crap.

Now she did offer me a great deal on several potions that would do some real marvelous and sneaky things to people I hated, but since I could use any of them to cut steak I decided to pass. Oh well, at least I know where to go if I want to turn somebody into a frog before I stab them with a dagger!

A FESTIVAL OF...

There are many things I enjoy about the holiday season. I love the food, the presents and the general opportunity to have an extra excuse to get polluted. It all just gives me a great reason to act silly and stuff my face.

Now if in my town the holidays translated into just those items I wouldn’t mind. But there is a little added pain in the butt circumstance I have to tolerate. I’m speaking of PEOPLE!

To me the holidays would be great if you could enjoy them without having to deal with people. The one thing you can count on is that if a person acts whacky the rest of the year it will be ten times worst during the holidays.

If that reality wasn’t enough of a hassle, I got another element I have to face. In my city of Mediocrity that element is festivals. As if the usual lunacy wasn’t enough to cause headaches, the folks in my little city love to complicate the whole process by insisting upon having all these stupid festivals to add to the spirit of the season.

For me the only spirit it adds is the one I soak up to at the local bar to try and relief some of the stress this insanity causes. I wish there was a way to stop this foolishness, but so far I haven’t figured a way to encourage people into seeing just how totally nuts such behavior is from my view.

I do think I would even mind if these little gala events were actually fun. But come on now and tell me whether I’m being unreasonable to have a festival to celebrate things such as cutting a turkey’s head off? I won’t bore you with the gruesome details. However that is one of the types of festivals they love to host.

As far as that one goes, let me just say that after the festival they don’t even serve a turkey dinner. Oh the do have a meal. Well I guess you could call it a meal. It is more like cookies and apple cider. That might not sound so bad, but then you haven’t tasted the cookies. But I will say they are just about as bizarre as the rest of the festival. I’ll let your imagination fill in the rest.

And let me tell you that is just mild compare to some of the suggestions I’ve had cross my desk over the years. Fortunately I have succeeded in getting the most insane ones from being initiated.

I’ll just mention one in particular to give you an idea. Somebody and I won’t say who, thought it would be a good idea to have a festival to coincide with New Year’s. They thought a new year should be celebrated by having a festival where you showed up nude. And then they thought that perhaps we should consider having some kind of parade following a judging contest to pick the king and queen based upon best costume. No, please don’t ask, what costume?

I just mention it more than anything so you can appreciate that if this time of year drives you nuts then at least be grateful you don’t live in my town. See despite who you are I think I gave you a reason to enjoy the holidays where you live. And you don’t even thank me.

SPENDING IT ON TODAY

Ah when it comes to the word spending I have no boundaries in terms of time! To me there is no moment in history that does merit the honor of a splurge. Er, just do me a favor and don’t share that little tidbit with anybody from my town. I just gave this big speech about how we were going to reform city government and cut out the waste. (I was speaking of using a paper shredder to get rid of junk mail! But I didn’t tell them that.)

Now please I don’t want to hear any cries of hypocrisy. I have enough time ignoring the ones I hear from my wife and kids. So give me a break will yah?

Well heck I don’t know why I would ask that question. I mean I know you would have much reason to toss me any sympathy bones. Even if I suck up real good, bark, roll over and play dead I can imagine I would still not have gotten that kind of response.

Which is okay I suppose. I do pride myself on knowing my audience or at least those who are sneaky and as prone to bend the rules as I am who will have a soft spot on their behind big enough to let them sit down and tolerate my ramblings. Hey that was rather clever, thank you very much. Oh hush it!

I guess before I get totally sidetracked by any of this detour of rambling about my two faces (that you know of) I ought to return to the original subject. That being naturally the issue of spending “it” on today.

Of course I never got around to actually defining “it” did I? See I got you on that one, you weren’t paying attention now where you?

The ‘it’ part is really the most important part too. For it can cover a panoply of possibilities. It can mean money of course. That is always very essential. I never rule out the need to spend money. Well as long as it is somebody else’s. Which is far more uplifting than having to squander my own resources on my compulsive behavior.

There are other “its” that are to me just as important in their own way. I’m speaking of its such as time. And wasting other people’s time and labor is such a wonderful experience, let me tell you. I just can’t get enough of that pure satisfaction of the times when I get to revel in knowing I indulged my demon of gluttony in terms of materialism and did so at somebody else’s expense. It just warms the recesses of my heart, which is pretty good consider most people think my heart is made of cold and stone.

I think the bottom line on this thing is I give priority to immediate gratification. And I know I’m not alone. It just feels so darn good!

The rest of the aspect of spending on the present, well they make for good speeches, but it still comes down to giving into the urge to enjoy today and say screw tomorrow! Oh I would never tell my voters you understand. I’m not stupid enough to be that honest just in case there was an odd chance they might actually be paying attention!

BORROWING FROM THE PAST

Okay I know that this is often regarded as a means of being nostalgic. You revitalize some antique and rusty bucket of bolts with a paint job and some grease for a celebration. Or you do the same to slap it in a museum and charge a few bucks to let people gawk at it. Well excuse me, but that is what I would do!

Okay now obvious for old Rash baby I’m not interested in any sentimental time of borrowing. In my case I’m talking about down right plagiarism or your basic stealing from somebody else’s outdated ideas. And of course I wouldn’t even dream of giving some dead guy the credit either! Let’s get real on that part.

For me the best thing about the past is that it is an easy target to borrow from. You can stir the emotions about talking regarding the good old days. And if you have some form of sight aid such as a prop that looks old and appealing, man you can just get the tears so flowing at times. It just depends on who you are dealing with.

As for ideas, well if something was a great con once, it can be again. I feel a certain joy and honor to resurrect a wonderful concept that ripped off people in the past. That is so much fun! And what I enjoy most is that there is no one I have to pay for the privilege. Which I don’t have to say any money I scam on that thing. Talk about a silent partner!

Yes I know this is sleazy. You better believe it. And that part makes me so proud. Because it only adds to the value.

Let’s face it nostalgia for some is like a narcotic. They really get high on it. All you have to do is look at how sappy some people get about holidays. It doesn’t even matter if celebrating it can be a pain in the butt and give you headaches, some people just can’t help being drawn in by doing it “because.” And they will pay through the nose to do it every year, over and over and over.

Which for me spells dollar signs. I just have to hit the poor saps at the right moment when they are vulnerable and feeling extra enslaved by some emotional nostalgia and “whammo” they’ll cough up some dough just “because.” God it gets me totally jazzed any time I think of it.

So for me borrowing from the past is just fantastic. I get to use the idea that has been so outdated it is practically forgotten in some cases or so overused that people think you have to use it “because.”

Ah that word because is so glorious. It just gives me goose bumps and thrills all over to know you can say because in the case of something from the past and it works. Well you can often see the wheels turning in people’s heads, but you know when it is “the past” they never let you hear them squeaking.

Well I got to run. I have a meeting to attend. They are this group of citizens wanting to meet to discuss a possible tribute of some kind to the past. I can smell the money already!

INVESTING IN THE FUTURE

I always love using this as an excuse. That’s right I said an excuse. And the reason I say that is because it gives me a reason to raise taxes or generates money for something that hasn’t happen yet. Which means I can use the money today for what I want and claim that we are in reality spending in a way to make the future better.

Of course I never go into detail about how the reality is the money will be spent and not replaced. I will also avoid discussing why the investment never ends in the future really being better than the present.

Is this in anyway moral or ethical? What do you think? And frankly if you need to ask then I think you’re in big trouble. Because I don’t believe I have ever even remotely suggested that doing things for moral or good reason. My first priority is protecting my butt. It won’t be around in the distant future so why should I sweat trying to help out some time when I personally won’t benefit.

Call that being silly I guess. But the plain fact is for me the future is that time like fifty years from now. Being the sneaky and greedy rat that I am I never consider any time in which I might eventually live and risk getting in trouble to be the future. That’s just the present waiting to happen.

Is that being silly? Perhaps. But it is a good justification from my point of view and that is enough for me to get by and still be able to look in the mirror.

Okay I admit that I have to leave the light off when I do look in the mirror, but I never bother to mention that part to anyone. Unless they ask naturally and that hasn’t happen so far thank goodness.

Alright I confess that is all a childish and wimpy way of dealing with my need to lie about investing in the future. But when did I ever claim to honestly be a grown up? I’m sort of working on being a juvenile delinquent in training for adulthood. Only I don’t have any decent tutors so it is kind of do it yourself training.

Now if I was under the tutelage of some sane adult I might have been better prepared to invest in the future by some more traditional means. But see I did invest in my own future by this method of growing up at my own pace. (My target goal is to be emotionally an adult by the time I’m eighty, but I’m not fanatical about it.)

In the meantime I plot along and hope that lady luck will touch me while the spirit of gullibility will continue to grace the souls of others. And as long as that happens and people don’t ask too many of the wrong questions I’ll continue to enjoy the glorious opportunity to provide the citizens hope that the money I’m squandering is really being invested in the future.

It is difficult task juggling reality and fantasy and never dropping the ball. But I do also know that even if I did, I figure somebody to blame and some lie about it to explain. Works for me at least.

BEING SPECIAL

Ah now this is my very favorite of all aspects of this special theme. And the one thing I’ve notice is that everyone thinks they are special. Oh maybe they don’t see themselves as always good, but you can be sure if they believe they are bad it is a special kind of bad.

I call it simply the joy of celebrating uniqueness. Everyone is special in terms of being unique to some degree. Not necessarily the type of unique that everyone will always celebrate, but special just the same.

The hard part is taking on the challenge of accepting how people are special. And you can be darn sure in my world that is an extra challenge. Now I don’t want to be unkind here, but in my little slice of the world being special is most like being nuts. We’re talking about people from whom reality is that place they only have read about in some magazine and don’t believe it. Yeah really.

And it becomes my job to e able to sit down and try to cope with all that type of being special. Which isn’t easy that is for sure.

I know I’ve probably brought up the idea that the land of Mediocrity where I am the political sultan of sorts is not the realm where excellence rules. But there are times when I feel a need to reflect on it more than others.

The time this becomes the most prevalent in my thinking is honestly during the holiday season. That should be a wonderful time for everyone, but it isn’t always the case in my city.

Let me just say that what bogs it down is the “special” special people. Those are the ones that go beyond your ordinary level of being special. Which to me is any person that well takes special to a point that stretches tolerance to its maximum.

For me as Mayor I keep telling myself at times that surely I could find a city where I wouldn’t be so blessed with “special” special people. I just have a hard time thinking that all Mayors everywhere have this same kind of joy.

But then I also appreciate how if I didn’t live in such a wonderful place then I would be harder pressed to find things to write about in my blog. Plus it would take away from the joy of all the wondrous and wacky adventures that take place in my Limburger Files.

I just wish there was a better way for me to capitalize on my joy in that regard. You know sell a fictional version of the story to Hollywood. Although it might work better with some believe it or not option.

However unless that happens I guess I’ll continue to savor the moment and do what I can to continue to tell myself that being special is a good thing. Now all I have to do is keep telling myself that long enough to truly believe it.

SPECIALS

Would it be considered terrible silly of me to plan my own special tribute? I mean who knows me better than me?

And the one thing I know if I planned it I would have to complain about the way it turned out. I could even write my own speeches for them to give about me to be sure they didn’t leave out any details.

I appreciate how some might think this silly or self-absorbed, but what got me to thinking about this was the number of times I have known when this type of “specials” were really a farce. It is sort of like eulogies at funerals. The deceased might have been the biggest jerk in history, but he’ll seem like a saint according to the eulogy.

I guess what I’m saying it that if we are going to do these things and pretend they are serious when in reality they are a joke, then how come we can’t just have fun with them. You know put on paper hats, order a stripper and er, well maybe that is taking a tribute a tad too far.

I realize that they do have such things as “roasts” but those are intended for laughs and everyone knows it. What I’m talking about is having the serious kind of tribute where you can know up front that it really is only suppose to look like it is serious.

You might ask, what even bother? And that is in part my whole point. How come we insist up going through such games and not admitting it is a game? Wouldn’t it simply be a lot more fun if you did it where you could strive for making it just plain fun?

Having expressed my zeal therefore to let fly the uplifting creativity of self awareness, um translation, “me first imagination,” I’m going to explore this more fully in terms of my own situation. Perhaps I’ll give myself a testimonial dinner. I’ll write my own speech and give it. Even bestow upon myself a special I love Rash trophy.

And I’ll charge people to show up. Now don’t sneer when I say that. I’ll sell tickets under the guise of come and see just how big an ego I really have. Plus I’ll arrange for the meal. I will have none of this stupid tribute dinner meals that taste like cardboard. I’ll go first class.

The next day perhaps I’ll even have the special I love Rash parade with me as Grand Marshal by a vote of me. Yep that ought to do it.

Well if you are sitting there and shaking your head and saying God this guy is unbelievably ridiculous. Then you just demonstrated my point for me.

See if I was to do that for real, people would bitch. They would call it for what it is, utterly selfish and bogus.

But I simply ask you is it honestly better when they pull this crap and try to pretend it is legitimate? I don’t think so, but go ahead and keep being impressed when you see it happening and don’t want to accept it is window dressing. As for me, all I want is to have it be called entertainment for a change. Okay clown suits instead of tuxedoes would help too, but I won’t push that part.