A FESTIVAL OF...

There are many things I enjoy about the holiday season. I love the food, the presents and the general opportunity to have an extra excuse to get polluted. It all just gives me a great reason to act silly and stuff my face.

Now if in my town the holidays translated into just those items I wouldn’t mind. But there is a little added pain in the butt circumstance I have to tolerate. I’m speaking of PEOPLE!

To me the holidays would be great if you could enjoy them without having to deal with people. The one thing you can count on is that if a person acts whacky the rest of the year it will be ten times worst during the holidays.

If that reality wasn’t enough of a hassle, I got another element I have to face. In my city of Mediocrity that element is festivals. As if the usual lunacy wasn’t enough to cause headaches, the folks in my little city love to complicate the whole process by insisting upon having all these stupid festivals to add to the spirit of the season.

For me the only spirit it adds is the one I soak up to at the local bar to try and relief some of the stress this insanity causes. I wish there was a way to stop this foolishness, but so far I haven’t figured a way to encourage people into seeing just how totally nuts such behavior is from my view.

I do think I would even mind if these little gala events were actually fun. But come on now and tell me whether I’m being unreasonable to have a festival to celebrate things such as cutting a turkey’s head off? I won’t bore you with the gruesome details. However that is one of the types of festivals they love to host.

As far as that one goes, let me just say that after the festival they don’t even serve a turkey dinner. Oh the do have a meal. Well I guess you could call it a meal. It is more like cookies and apple cider. That might not sound so bad, but then you haven’t tasted the cookies. But I will say they are just about as bizarre as the rest of the festival. I’ll let your imagination fill in the rest.

And let me tell you that is just mild compare to some of the suggestions I’ve had cross my desk over the years. Fortunately I have succeeded in getting the most insane ones from being initiated.

I’ll just mention one in particular to give you an idea. Somebody and I won’t say who, thought it would be a good idea to have a festival to coincide with New Year’s. They thought a new year should be celebrated by having a festival where you showed up nude. And then they thought that perhaps we should consider having some kind of parade following a judging contest to pick the king and queen based upon best costume. No, please don’t ask, what costume?

I just mention it more than anything so you can appreciate that if this time of year drives you nuts then at least be grateful you don’t live in my town. See despite who you are I think I gave you a reason to enjoy the holidays where you live. And you don’t even thank me.