PISSED AND PROUD OF IT

Oh yeah, let's allow the passions and truth to flow. That is what I say. I get so tired of having to place nice with some people.

I might have to smile at times for the sake of being a politician, but it doesn't mean I don't have times I love to imagine the chance to tell people what I really think. It would be wonderful to at least once have that luxury.

I admit that it doesn't seem very likely that it will come up too often. Most voters just aren't up for the experience of having a suck up specialist suddenly turn against them and tell them they are all a bunch of jerks.

Yeah, I dream of days where I could do that. So far it is just a dream. But I keep having this wonderful fantasy of meeting someone who wants real honesty.

I'm sure they are out there somewhere. I have yet to meet such a person, but I'm sure they probably exist.

I wish they would come to my town. Now that would really be a thrill. Oh yeah, honestly and being able to tell somebody they are an idiot when they really act like one.

The only concern I have is over whether such a person would really be a jerk. That would spoil the whole thing if they were actually a good person.

Now see that would be my darn luck. Yeah, I can see it now. I finally meet someone I can be honest to and the only thing I can tell them is the lies I tell the jerks, only in the case of this person, it wouldn't have to be a lie.

Oh god, now I had an even worse fear. What if this guy has family? What if they all moved to my city?

And then what if by chance this guy is so likeable he ends up infecting the whole city. Oh man that could be a real disaster.

I mean what would I do if I didn't have to lie anymore? Shoot all those speeches I've got written and memorized would be worthless then.

I think I'm going to have to reconsider my thinking on this perhaps. A little honesty is a good thing.

But as a daily habit, I'm not so sure. Yeah, that could actually end up being very painful. I just end up totally hating the whole process.

So for now, I'll just wish I knew one such person. Then I'll hope I never actually meet them. It might end up being too depressing. And who needs that? Don't think I do. And don't imagine an honest person would either.

THE FIRST TIME

There are first time experiences that make you want to shout and dance. There are others when you are left with a reason to groan and regret having to even go through the process.

Sometimes you can even avoid certain first time experiences altogether. Providing you want to. Now why am I even rambling on about this whole first time thing?

I don't know, just sort of came to mind lately. Probably because I had a first time experience recently that was a tad disappointing.

For me this one was dealing with the little gadget I just bought. It is supposed to be something you use for making notes, has a calculator, calendar and an assortment of other items that in some way designed to make life easier for busy people.

All of that sounded good. However, for me it turned out to be a major pain the butt. For starters, the note pages were good, but honestly after I scribbled enough notes I ended up having no idea where to find the note I had written to remind me of whatever.

And spending ten minutes flipping through the pages hoping to find a given note didn't help. Plus there was the problem that I did manage to do this whole thing in part when I was in a bar. Drunk scribble never makes any sense when you are sober.

On the one note as best as I could decipher I had either written down the date for the end of the world or when the tags expired on my car's license plate. Either way I didn't enjoy the time it took me to wade through it without making any sense.

So I have sort of ruled out the note part as being necessarily all that helpful. As for the calculator. That can be useful. Only some clown decided this one had to be a scientific type. Personally, when I'm trying to add up some numbers, I want a total, not to know the square root. Or whatever else all those buttons are suppose to tell me.

Then there was the calendar. Oh this couldn't just be a small thing with dates. No, it had to be a computerized one.

Do I really care about the knowing the history of every holiday celebrated in the world? Maybe, but not when I'm trying to figure out tomorrow's date.

So for now, as first experiences go, this one didn't go in the plus category. Which is a good thing since I could figure out the add button on that stupid calculator.

Ah, progress. Such a precious thing at times. Hopefully, it comes with a wonderful occasion of things that make sense.

One can hope at least. Some times hope is hard to grasp though. I keep trying, but not remembering some first time experiences.

OVER AND OVER

Ah the repeats of life. Boring! How come it is always the crap that gets repeated and not the good stuff.

For example, I get stuck paying taxes all the time and only get lucky in a bar once and a while. Why can't it be the other way around?

To me, fair is fair, crap ought to be restricted and limited, fun should be always. I know I wouldn't be upset if all those smiles came constantly. Haven't heard of people complaining that would be boring.

But it is difficult at times to figure a good way to adjust the scale of experience in favor of only giving you reasons to enjoy life. Wish they had a governmental agency in charge of that.

However, if the government got involved you could be sure they would figure a way to tax the fun. And by the time they got through regulating it, dull would be like the most exciting thing you could expect out of life.

So I don't feel that is exactly a step in the right direction. Actually, I think the best approach is to make having fun illegal.

We could give out citations for excessive smiling. Perhaps prison sentences for overdosing on happiness.

That way we could be sure people went out of their way to break the law and have fun. Then we could stop having so many people bore us with stupid ideas of fun times.

It might even be worth it if it wasn't for all the darn dull people that think being dull is a good thing. They wouldn't even object to fun being made illegal.

At least they aren't the only one's making our laws. Sometimes you do get that impression. Which is why I think it is so important we do allow enough party animals to get elected too.

I think we owe it to ourselves to be sure we protect ourselves from being governed only by dullards. Life has enough problems without having to deal with that problem.

And that part is up to us. Every one of us as good citizens must be prepared to make whatever sacrifices necessary to protect our god given right to be happy.

If that means only electing politicians who are devoted to partying constantly, then I say great. It is about time we saw the light.

And I feel so strong about this that I'm prepare to offer my services to help raise funds to be sure we only get the right kind of people elected. I'm sure I can count on you for support. Got you smiling already.

THIS IS FOR...YOU

Okay, this is simple enough. Somebody wants to give you something good. That is easy enough to figure out.

And it would be wonderful if the good they wanted to give you was really good. Oh it can be, but some people's idea of good can be really strange.

The big problem is if you have sort of special hobbies such as I do. Those are hard to find people willing to accept that such hobbies are always a good thing.

Oh, with right crowd it works good enough. Providing they have a good appreciating for how one can savor a variety of hobbies that some don't always enjoy.

For example, with me I consider graft and bribery to be hobbies. Don't I'm sure there are people who wouldn't share my interpretation of a hobby.

However, the way I see it, I don't consider it a lifestyle since I only do it on occasions. Only when I have enough time and opportunities. If it were a lifestyle I would be easily bought every day. With me it is only three or four times a week, unless you make an appointment.

So that constitutes in my mind a hobby. Granted not the kind of hobby everyone would think was good.

The way I excuse it is that I'm actually contributing to the general welfare of the people. How you say? Well you see, while I am greedy, I'm not totally greedy.

Meaning I want my share and then some, but I don't want it all. I'm content with enough to take care of my hobbies, family, mistress, um other mistress, the occasional rent a date when my mistresses are busy because it is that time of the month, the people I have to bribe to get what I want, the other family I keep in another city and claim I a guy name Zed who is traveling salesman and enough left over of retirement fund in my Swiss Bank Account.

Now I ask you am I being unreasonable to just expect enough to meet all those needs? I don't think so. Not from my point of view.

But you know it is so exhausting to try and explain all that to the voters. They can be unreasonable about expecting facts and people always telling the truth.

I think all of that is commendable from my point of view. And lord knows if somebody else came along who was more selfish they would surely do a whole lot worse.

I doubt I will get any thanks for my efforts I imagine. When you care as much as I do, that means you sometimes have to be willing to sacrifice in terms of making sure others know about your sacrifices.

CONFUSED

This is the place you reach when you try thinking too hard. That is my way of viewing it. Because you see if you weren't all straining your brain to figure out crap you would be a whole lot happier.

Let's face it sometimes it just is a whole lot easier to remain blissfully stupid. Honestly, do we really to know all the secrets of the universe just to take a piss?

I don't think so. Will your life actually be improved if you do? Probably not. Nope all that happens when you ask questions like where does space end is to end up just feeling confused.

Now perhaps you don't let such questions eat at you. Maybe you just don't even ask any questions.

A wise choice if you ask me. I think not asking questions is the perfect way to deal with life at times.

Pity there are too many people that still believe it isn't a good option. They have the nerve to want to know everything about everything.

Now really, do you need to be that depressed? I ask you is that truly sanity? I don't think so.

After all, if you can change something, isn't it easier just to think you can than to waste time agonizing over not being able to do a thing? I think that is totally a wise choice.

The problem is that too many have such ridiculous expectations. I mean come on now, does it really help anyone to find out how they are totally screwed and beyond help?

I don't think it helps at all. Which is why I think the phrase, ignorance is bliss is so special. Why can we savor a little ignorance? Yeah, come on, let's get with the program.

We'll just mosey down to the old bar, and kick back, drink our lives away and pretty soon we will be drunk confused. That is where you are utterly confused, but honestly don't care.

You just sit back and enjoy it. Oh, true, come morning you'll feel like crap in your body and all, but that pain will help you forget whatever you were trying to understand in the first place.

I think this would make life so much easier that some of the silliness people go through now. There are just times when being confused can be a blessing.

And if you aren't able to know when, well I'll be glad to explain. The more you end up confused, the more you can savor the joy of letting it make you happy.

TUCKERED

Yep, does anybody not feel this at times? I don't care if you run marathons just for the fun before exercising at some gym for three hours, we all run out of gas eventually.

And the older we get the more it seems our gas tank leaks. Nice image huh? I thought so. Been working hard at times to find new ways to express myself.

Not sure if anyone will think see us as some leaking gas tank will be an image everyone will like, but I think it fits. The important thing I think is to be sure we find the best ways to fill that gas tank in a way that we allow for the times it gets empty too fast.

How do we do that best? Easy, by making sure we take pit stops somewhere so we can plug those leaks at times.

Now where is the best pit stop? Well, I think that depends on the fuel you need to keep your engine running.

Okay, that might sound hokey, but I think it really is true. See, some people run off of amazing types of fuel. Basically, it for me is all about what truly makes you feel alive and energized.

I wish there was one "octane" level that works for everyone in that regard, but there isn't. Some people function best on regular. That is routine. They sputter along, content with the norm, never feeling a need to drive in the fast lane.

Others, need more. They need the kind of octane that really makes the heart race. Yeah, they can't function at the same old pace. It has to be the fast lane, no stop signs or signal lights.

Now the one thing that has to be understood with all of this is that the faster you race, the more you need a refill too. And so the more likely you will end up being in need of rest from being tuckered.

The big problem is naturally, you get so caught in wanting to enjoy the ride that you don't want it to end. Even when the gas gauge is pointing at empty, you are convinced you have got a few gallons left as a reserve.

Then naturally, you run out of gas somewhere that is totally a pain. And miles from any gas station.

So I like to keep that it mind. And pay attention to the gas needle. Basically to be sure I don't ignore when I'm feeling the old gas gauge nearly empty.

Sometimes I do miss it of course. Which is less than a reason to smile. But as long as I don't end up having to tell others and make up a good enough lie, I'm happy. Till the next time at least.

WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

This is part of those immortal words spoken by President Roosevelt following the tragedy of Pearl Harbor. Now admittedly that was not a moment in history that some will remember fondly and it definitely qualified as infamy. However, I feel a certain sadness that we can give more situations the same level of intensity and drama.

I accept that might be a little tough when you are talking you know, ordinary events. People aren't likely to get all ready to go to war over something like power outage. Still it is pain the butt. And a day I'll remember, that is for sure.

Not sure how to make such events more melodramatic. I mean in a good way. You know to get the juices flowing.

Why? Well why not? I mean isn't apathy a terrible thing? We got an epidemic of it where I live. That is why they call my city, Mediocrity.

Not a source of pleasure to be sure. But I can hardly expect anyone to get motivate to change the name when you are lucky to get people to stop yawning long enough to care.

Yeah, it is that bad. I mean really, really big time nodding season. That is why I'm thinking this infamy ploy would help out.

I'm inclined to imagine if I could get everyone excited about some cause it would work. Only it really is tough to inspire rage for some problems.

Like coping with the cable company people. Now this is never fun. I mean at best you'll be left wanting to do is strangle someone. Only you'll just think about it.

Which I suppose is a good thing. Well, for the most part. I mean the frustration and stress isn't fun, but it is a lot saner to cope with that than go nuts and do something crazy in the process.

That is why I want to figure a way to get everyone to see the real threat of this situation as a total disaster that you have to end or face possible death. So far I haven't quite come up with the prefect combination for taking one of these pain in the ass situations and making it seem life threatening.

I do have hopes though eventually. I am toying with starting with the cable company. I'm leaning to the approach that somehow these vile people are plotting to take over the world.

Oh yeah, I can picture myself giving a speech warning how we have to end the cable menace. I'm probably going to have to weave in about them planning and taking away everyone's remotes. Now I know that would get a reaction. Oh yeah, nobody threatens that an live in my town. The remote is a god don't you know. Ah, maybe that is a good option to really approach. Providing I don't have to give up my own remote in the process.

FOREVER UNDERWEAR

I get in these strange moods at times where I end up having too much free time so I ponder the weirdness of life. For example the issue of underwear.

To me I question the very need for it at times. Not trying to suggest anything, just pointing out how when you think about it, what is the worse thing that would happen if you didn't wear underwear? Unless you suddenly decide to strip off your clothes and run around only wearing underwear how is anybody even going to know if you have them on.

But somebody, somewhere decided it was necessary to be complete when walking around. Not to necessarily get all philosophical here, but in a way, I think of underwear as that element of conformity where even your private nudity is subject to some kind of control.

So like too many aspects of life. We are stuck. We have to wear underwear for the rest of our life. Unless we are wearing swimming trunks or in the shower or whatever. However, for normally day to day activities, you are stuck.

A victim of the conspiracy do diabolical that nobody ever even suspects how clever it is. See the reality is when you think about it is that even on some small level such as underwear we become conditioned to conform. And because it is so subtle we never make the connection of how it is so totally consuming of one's life.

It starts with underwear and then moves on to more complicated elements of life. Before you know it you can't live without having to worry about if you are behaving how somebody expects.

Fact of life that we never even suspects has it origins and roots in small thing. But that is the best way to do.

You don't want people to suspect that being forced to wear underwear is in fact conditioning for bigger things. Oh no, that would never do.

Nope the high hope resides in keeping things suspect. Meaning you suspect there is a problem, but are sure.

That way we can savor the pure joy of doing what we are told, but not having to think about how much we are really puppets.

Now you might be asking, are you serious? I mean can you really get me to believe that wearing underwear makes me stop thinking?

At least it sounds like you are thinking about it. And if I have accomplished that, I'm ahead of the game in my book.

All I have to do is take time to be sure all those lovely ladies out there are free of their need for underwear when I have them alone. Tough job at times you understand.

Brass Tacks

Well, there are real brass tacks out there naturally. But they are not generally what is referred to with this.

Nope this is getting down to the nitty gritty of subject. Thank means to the core. Where the person lives and thinks. Do unmask the charade they are playing and think in terms of what really motivates them.

That is a real challenge with some people. Now I do confess that I lie for a living. It is part of what I have to do in order to inspire confidence.

That is the reason I give at least. But then I think it is preferable to saying, "Hey we have no idea what we are doing. So just don't panic. We'll probably do things totally wrong."

Like anyone would really love to hear that. Most people would not regard that as a good choice.

The big problem you understand is that while that is all part of my routine. It doesn't necessarily apply for some of the clowns I have to deal with.

The major issue is with people such as businessmen. See they are motivated by the most basic desire there is. Greed.

Yep that is so naturally. I understand it. I embrace it and support it. I just wish the people I dealt with regarded that as a good thing.

Instead, the want to dazzle me with a bunch of baloney. They want me to ignore the greed and be content with believing they really want to help people.

Might be good if they really did. Only instead of getting down the brass tacks of pure avarice and greed they got to remain in the stupid garment of making me think they care.

It doesn't matter how much they know me, how many bribes they give me or times I've coped with some under the table deal, they still have this stupid need to make me believe they care. Which really bugs me because frankly I don't.

I just want the brass tacks, but not with the pointed end facing up where I might end up sitting on it. I'll pass on that option.

Still, the real brass tacks are hard to find with the connivers. They just refuse to accept I want to see them.

So we end up having lunch were I listen to their rambling. Then I wait till enough booze has kicked in. After that, no problem.

So the rule is, get drunk and you will always see the brass tacks. Providing you don't pass out first.

PROBLEM SOLVING

I think the biggest problem with problem solving is the problem it gives you trying to figure out a solution. Oh the reality is that if you knew the solution you wouldn't have a problem in the first place.

That is a problem in itself. It stems from the stupidity of actually assuming you know what you are talking about. I do my best to avoid that whenever possible.

But the real hassle is trying to somehow manage to see the potential problems before they become problems. However, that itself is also a big problem too.

Because of the fact that some times problems are impossible to know till you try something. It is like no matter how hard you try there are bugs in plans and you have to try the stupid program before knowing what the problem is.

Which then brings the issue of problem solving. Sort of like, okay, we drop the ball on this one, now it is flat. So somebody please go a find a bicycle pump and let's see if we can fix this problem.

That naturally leads to a discussion for the sake of solving the problem. And you naturally can't have a good discussion without have a meeting. Which only works when you form a committee.

So everyone talks about having the meeting, but then somehow it doesn't happen. Oh they mean to, but somehow they spend so much time talking about a committee none actually takes place.

The whole time naturally the ball that needs to be fixed sits and remains flat. Somehow the real problem never gets addressed, but they feel so much better about it.

In the process everyone has a great time pretending some good was done when it wasn't. That seems to be the most important part of any choice. The feeling good about it.

Which of course leaves me in the wonderful position of having to somehow still get the stupid idea that we did good, when I have to fix the problem anyway. Oh well, I do my best to let them be them.

Then I do the real problem solving. And if I'm lucky, I don't end up having to get a head ache in the process.

That is the greatest joy for me. When problem solving takes place that I can handle without the need for aspirin or booze then I can smile.

Actually, I guess I don't mind the booze part that much. It helps to pass the day. I naturally always savor the option even when I don't have a problem. But then they aren't hard to find.

DISCOVERIES

Well there are things that one enjoys discovering and others that make you groan. For example, discovery you made an error in your checkbook in you favor will be a reason to smile.

Whereas having the gal you met at a bar and slept with discover she's pregnant is not a good discovery most of the time. I do try to not use my real name naturally, so it is a bummer of discovery when they find me just the same.

Well, that kind of discovery is one of those live and learn time. If you live long enough you discover the right method to be sure you don't end with them discovery who you really are.

That is naturally, not the only times when discoveries have a way of being either good or bad. And I wish that wasn't so common.

The ones where you have an employee who gives you the supposed facts on a given subject or project. They naturally have devoted all kinds of time and energy getting ready for this report to you on this given research.

So you listen very carefully, inhaling every word since you know at some point, you are going to have to explain it all in some council meeting or press conference. I hate that when I have to go to that trouble just because it is a city funded issue.

Which I have to tolerate obviously. And rely upon the information provided to be sure that my presentation inspires confidence.

If I have played my part successfully with the right heart felt baloney then I get to come away feeling satisfied that I manage to hit one for the grifter, which is mainly me. Of course I am the con man, grifter so I figure it applies to me.

Well, the down side to all of this is when I end up with discovering afterwards that the clown of an employee who did this report, discovered they made a mistake. Oh does that manage to really do other than give me a reason to smile.

However, the real pain in the butt is trying to go back to the council and make this discovery of a blunder as something that was in fact not a blunder at all. Which takes some pretty powerful lying at times.

That can be so down right frustrating, not to mention exhausting. Every once and a while they even have the nerve to ask questions about my double talk.

The good thing though is that I have had enough practice so that I don't have to worry too much these days about them discovery the truth. I would definitely be in big trouble if they ever found that part out. And thank goodness so far that hasn't happen. I just hope I never discover they are lying about that part.

NO TRESSPASSING, JUST A WHOLE LOT OF VISITING

This is my last posting I think on this whole hands off deal. In this one it is to cope with the stupidity of telling people some place has no access, except and the exception includes everyone.

Like when they have a security guard posting in some office building. You know the type that is armed only with a flashlight and lunch pale. We're talking about a guy who is retired and lucky if he manages to stay awake while on duty.

Who is this guy going to keep out, butterflies? And even then he would have to call for backup. Which would probably be another old geezer who might not make it sense he can't remember the address and gets lost going to the bathroom.

So you would figure the people running the building would know this? Why then go through the silliness of having some senile clown pretending to guard the place? Is that really supposed to make sense?

Apparently it does to somebody. Talk about somebody missing brain cells! But they still manage to have enough bucks to own a building. Now that is really scary.

And they wonder why I have such an attitude in terms of ignoring stupid rules. I mean if you are expected to do this right, then for Pete's Sake have the brains to be reasonable.

Just make up your mind will you. Either put up some real form of threat in terms of keeping people out or forget it.

Is that too much to ask? I guess so with some people. Which fortunately, I don't have to deal with every day.

Actually, in our city there is not an abundance of such buildings. And only a few are dumb enough to exercise the sleeping, security squad of senility. That definitely helps to keep me from being totally nuts on this one.

If I work it right, then what I do is save up all my frustration for one day a month or two if I can really manage it. But I do have to be careful. I can only handle so much stupidity.

So I have to try and drown myself in booze before taking a trip to stupidville. If I work it right, I manage to get drunk enough to not care about the idiocy without passing out.

It is a challenge you understand. The right formula really takes practice. Trust me, it took awhile to work out the exact dosage

But I do pretty much have it worked out. And trust me, I do so savor those rare occasions of perfect inebriation when I can walk into those places without staggering and still appear coherent.

KEEP OUT, SORT OF

Okay, I'm going to risk offending here by rambling about people with this annoying habit of saying no, when they mean something else, but not necessarily yes. It can me sort of.

So they put up some sign in their lives or wherever that tell you to leave them alone. Find, I will. But for Heaven's sake, give me a break!

I mean if you have decided to be a hermit, good. Just stop bugging me in the process! I really hate that when a person says, "oh, I need to be by myself." Then later, they are calling you up and spending all their time talking to you.

I'm the only one that would find that strange? Well, it is to me. Heck, I don't care what people do in such things as their private time. But if you are going to make it private, then shut up about it!

Yeah, is that too much to ask? Honestly, I think that is more than far. Do whatever you want. Start a cult. Take up polka dancing with chickens. Do anything that makes you smile and happy. Only do it for crying out loud somewhere else!

Now I suppose I shouldn't let myself get all excited on this subject. But lately it seems that I'm getting more and more people who have this problem and won't just go off in a corner and keep it to themselves.

However, that isn't my luck. And no matter how many meetings I invent to mask my desire to be left alone, they keep coming.

I'm thinking of creating this take a number option. Have it installed outside of my office. I think I'll even have more than one. Kind of like a customer service option.

That way I can have categories. Line one, pissant moaners who want to be alone and bug everyone in the process. Line two, those leeches who are here to suck me dry of any joy and everything else.

Then I'll have express lane. That's for bribes. Of course that line will have to be formed outside in the alley at night.

I mean I don't wish to expose such partners in my progress to any undo publicity. And naturally the rate of exchange on this deal is ten of the express lanes to everyone else.

Oh I won't tell the others that. Besides they are supposed to be off hibernating or something anyway. So I might as well help them to feel that way.

It is a pity they don't appreciate my efforts. Honestly, you never get any thanks for being thoughtful when people think you aren't being thoughtful, but selfish. I have a special complaint form for that.

It is posted in the alley were you can only file your complaint when there is a risk of being run over by a garbage truck.

OFF LIMITS, EXCEPT

I love those signs that try to tell you to stay out for one reason or another, but they don't apply to everyone. It is like, this place is too good for you.

Naturally, human nature being what it is, we all find the forbidden more tempting than that, which is allowed. So when they put up one of those signs to me is it like saying "Hello! We keep really valuable stuff inside and we are just warning you up front so you know we can hope you won't try to take it."

That only inspires the obvious reaction. It shouts, come and get it. Which generally is what happens.

What makes it worse, naturally, is if there is an exception to the off limit sign people tend to get really pissed off. Like feeling they are being discriminated against.

That is not the kind of reaction that inspires cooperation or understanding. It is more likely to shout I dare you to come and try to take my stuff away.

But I think the worse element is the except part. Yeah, I already mentioned it, but it is to me worth repeating. I just can't get passed this idea that boundaries helps to inspire insanity.

With the first insanity being the moron who puts up that sign. Now if you really want to keep people away, put up a sign that says "Campaign headquarters to re-elect." Doesn't even matter who you are talking about either.

Then all you do is put up a second sign about accept campaign donations. That would pretty much guarantee no one visited the place.

And if that didn't do it good enough, then you could say mention you were some committee involved with saving the planet. Or some other important concern that most people avoid with the plague.

You might have to thought do a combo thing. Like conservative environmentalists. Let's save the planet so we can build a parking lot kind of thing.

They key here is making sure you put some sign out that totally offends. That way no matter what happens nobody will bother you. Adding the word volunteers really makes a difference. That will normally truly kill any curiosity.

Which is the whole point. And believe me there have been so many times I've been blessed to plan some con and be saved from any risk of exposure by using an appropriately offensive sign to guard the entrance.

Ah, how sweet it is when you find a simple way to post an off limit sign where the except is enforced by a fear of having to get involved.

CAN'T TOUCH THAT

I should hope not! That is what I have to say on the subject. Which is primarily about those things that drive you nuts and you absolutely wouldn't want to deal with if you could avoid it in anyway.

Which, of course, includes a whole long list of groans and moans from my point of view. Namely, we're talking about people that you have to deal with who are anything, but a joy.

I guess I've just had to cope with way too many of these types lately. It then ends up consuming my postings. But then it does cut down on a lot of thinking I suppose.

After all, if you find a subject worth discussing, then you might as well keep at it. And with some of the people can't touch that means going nowhere near the crap they believe.

Which can be a real challenge when you deal with them everyday. It is hard to totally avoid their moments of less than sane activity.

I do the best I can, but we do try to and encourage people to express themselves in uplifting ways. So we allow them to do things like have plants at their desks.

That in itself is a good thing. Providing they don't think the plants are people. Things can get pretty silly in those situations.

Oh I don't mind when they treat them as sort of pet. Talking to some houseplant like it is a pet is tolerable.

However, when they treat them like they are their brother or grandmother, I get concerned. That really gets awkward when they want to have the plant give you a grandma hug, let me tell you.

That of course we do try to control to some degree. If a given employee starts to show signs of wavering in terms of sanity, we immediately go into action.

Well, we discuss it first. Clyde our security guard can be a bit overzealous in terms of coping with weirdness.

At least I think resorting to using a stun gun on somebody for scratching themselves is a bit over the top. It was hard to buy his claim he felt they were guilty of self-entertainment.

I didn't think that view justified his hand cuffing the person and then stuffing their head in a trash can. He tried to explain it, but somehow the lawyer for the employee didn't find it a decent option.

So for now, Clyde too is on the list of those who I have that can't touch this. And when he comes back from suspension and therapy I hope he remembers it.

NO YOU CANT, YES YOU DO

I love those things we never talk about in the open and pretend don't exist, but we all know are true just the same. Like say when some person you happen to know is involved in some sleazy activity. Doesn't matter what it is, you know about it, but never talk about it with the person.

If you see them, you just smile and talk about the weather. You never ask something like say, what is the gal at work you are secretly sleeping with really like? Any good in bed? Does she have any girl friends looking for a good time?

That might be a wonderful thing to ask if you got a decent answer, but odds are the person would answer anyway.

So instead we just play the game of talking about the person behind their back. Which makes for a fun game at times admittedly.

Gossip can be so entertaining. One can imagine all the details about two people fooling around and never worry about the facts.

That part is the element for me that I enjoy under the category of fantasy character assassination. It has such a touching and wonderful means of past time.

I always enjoy the part too where people like to sit around and pretend that somehow you know it is all a good thing. After all, telling the person to their face might hurt their feelings.

So it is just a lot kinder to not say anything. Well it is also easier since you don't have to worry about them getting upset and beating the crap out of you.

That can be sort of an important concern at times. One I do prefer to ignore when possible. Just not sure I would ever think of a time when it would be preferable to tell them the truth.

This is probably a game played best in small settings. Like in small towns. If you get too many people involved it is just too crazy and confusing.

It might not be if everyone admitted to even playing the game, but most don't. That is the hard part, we never can tell who all the players are going to be.

And I doubt that is going to change either. I'm not personally sure I want it to change though. I rather enjoy the whole concept of how this game really works.

So for me, I'm not planning on interfering with process. Oh no, why spoil all the fun. I might consider writing a rule book sometime. Most likely in disappearing ink. No sense risking annoying anyone, but I don't see any reason to let that keep me from playing either.

YOU WANT IT, YOU AIN'T GOT IT

Oh yeah, that's the way it works you know. Build up the old anticipation then pull out the rug till the person is totally whipped emotionally.

That is the fun part. Taking some person who is down and lifting them up. As soon as they are feeling no pain, you hammer them. Ruin that dream and send them farther down the scale of depressed and worthless than they started.

Okay, I'm not playing the let's be brutal because I love it game. True, that is fun to play. Normally though I prefer to reserve those special moments for other situations.

Those are best when you have an occasion of dealing with a real pain in the butt red-tape bully. I'm talking about the bureaucratic thugs who thrive on bullying people with paperwork. They get off on it.

Them you just get a joy from abusing. It just feels so good. And let me tell you there is nothing more brutal to them than when you take away their power whether they had any to begin with or not.

But that's just foreplay of the ego for me. Outwitting the basic red-tape demons is my sacred duty. Besides they do interfere with my doing the same.

No, this posting is more about other situations. One's dealing with people who in my opinion deserve to feel crappy.

Basically, people who are a pain in the butt for a variety of reasons. And often they seem to relish in passing their misery on to others.

We're not talking about the bully breed to speak of. They are more direct and intentional in their plans to ruin your life.

These types of creatures are more then kind that serve as emotion leeches. Vampires of sighs sucking the life blood from your very soul. Hey, that is clever. I like it. Maybe I can weave it in somewhere when talking about the government in some speech.

In the meantime, I never can resist the chance to take such leeches and ruin their behavior. I see it as doing them a favor.

Yeah. See if I can manage in some small way to perhaps steer them towards seeing the light is a good thing.

That is the light in the local bar. The one they sit under to get polluted to help them forget they whined for fake reasons, got built up and then crushed so they really have a reason to whine.

And if the booze and lesson gets them to shut up and not do it again. I feel I did my job. Don't even ask for a raise either.

SEEING IS GRIEVING

Oh yeah this can be such a pain in the butt at times. I mean it is great when you can see something you've really wanted to see. However, if you get to look and what you see makes you faint, then buddy it wasn't worth the peak.

Sort of like with cyber relationships where two people lie about their real appearance. They don't want the other person to know they have a face like the back side of a horse and a shape like a egg. Well would you want to admit that and expect it to attract someone?

No, I think not. Oh you can forget that nonsense about love being blind. Hey, cupid has a bow and arrow, but no blindfold. So whoever is peddling that crap is probably doing it because they do look like a horse's ass.

I'm sorry, but that don't work for me. I'm not so picky I expect a gal to look like a goddess. But I do have this rule that the more the beauty fades the less I should need to bribe the chick to get some entertainment.

Seems fair to me. Not sure too many gals would agree though. And I'm sure at the same time they would expect a guy to be honest about how he looks. Seems like a double standard if you ask me.

But then nobody is asking me, that's for sure. And naturally, I don't feel a need to volunteer the truth at times either.

Well enough about those games. For me there is a larger application to this issue. Namely the big gap between fantasy and reality.

Yep, that one. A place where we end up looking for heaven and instead find a desert of yawns. Hey, that sounds pretty cool. I'll have to remember it for some future speeches. Might be a good zinger to let my buddy Hugo quote in a newspaper article. One of those he'll write to help take attention to some possible scandal when I blunder on a scam.

We call that an ink back up plan. He inks the story and I back up and hide. Love to dance you understand. When it means I avoid any bad press.

But that's one of those little options I love to keep aside for those moments when nature calls. That is the nature of survival. It really is more one that you have to have when you are always pulling fast ones and can bear getting caught.

So I have to endure those annoying times myself when seeing is grieving. Only doing it in a way that I see to be sure I avoid the grieving. That generally involves keeping my eyes closed at times after several beers till I can actually lie to myself.

Then I can open my eyes and all I see is the beauty of not seeing what I don't want to see. That is often because I pass out right after that.

ALIVE AND GRIPING

This is always a fun place to be. Somewhere that the only person you see is about as fun to be with as constantly thinking about death. Oh yeah, that really makes my day.

Which is part of what really drives me nuts. I have a hard time appreciating the value in not enjoying life. You got an alternative that would work better?

I mean a realistic one not some idea of running of to a commune filled with naked ladies. Darn that is my idea isn't it?

Well, I wouldn't object to sharing of course. Providing there was a budget created so that there was an adequate balance of attention for all parties. I would naturally be the one to draft the budget you understand. I do have so much great experience with such things.

And I would probably form a committee to be sure that I made everything as far as possible. Yeah, I could handle that.

Then when I was done, I would naturally counsel each lovely lady in the commune privately to be sure she fully understood how things were expected to work. I think that would be the good thing to do.

Yeah, I'm a servant of the public. A man of the people. Okay so my vested interest is primarily with the people of a female persuasion, but heck we do have to specialize.

Now you see, that is probably a good demonstration of what I am talking about. Here I am talking about a dream escape and still figuring a way to smile without griping.

What is a better way to give a good example of my posting? Now all I have to do is figure out how in the world I find this commune. And then how I get there and then figure out how I get there while still being able to keep my job as Mayor.

I know I could get a law passed to declare some place a sacred historical site that must be operated by a religious group. Hmmm, it might work. What am I saying, of course it will work. Heck, I've gotten all kinds of lame crap pushed through the council.

Now I wonder what would be the best place to choose to claim under the law of imminent domain? Ah, that's it. Got the perfect place. Nice an big, lots of room. Would work great for this deal.

I'm sure I can get the council to play ball. Might have to bribe a few people to let us make the deal work, but done that before.

Plus, I'm sure people will be reasonable. After all not everyone gets sick in our city at one time. So one less hospital shouldn't be a big deal.

You just got to have a vision and a smile at times. A good lie never hurts either.

DINNER FOR NINE THOUSAND

Well the Lord might work the kinds of miracles where he feeds thousands of people with a few fish and loaves of bread, but for us mortals it isn't that easy. We can't just make food appear.

It sure would be a whole lot easier if we could. Might cut down on the issue of litter and leftovers too.

But so far, that option isn't available. I did try at one time trying to get more of the bible thumpers involved when we planned some big event involving food. I figured it didn't hurt to have them there in case you know God was in a mood to work another of the same miracles.

Unfortunately, up till now the only thing that has happened from getting people like Reverend Analbe and his Moral Priority involved is they extra cost to me for buying them refreshments. Which is hardly helpful.

Needless to say I haven't attempted to ask them again to help out. I'm still keeping my options open you understand. Never want to rule out my options.

Meanwhile the challenge is to of course figure the best way when we have some Founder's Day event to make sure nobody feels like they are starving. Which gets really tricky at times.

Tricky for me you understand because I have to figure the most affordable way to get enough food, but as cheap as possible. Otherwise I can't overcharge the city's budget and keep the difference for myself.

It is just manner of making sure you define food in such a way so that you don't rule out any options that might otherwise be regarded as not a first choice. Hamburgers are always a good choice.

With the right amount of condiments it becomes very hard for anyone to tell what kind of meat you really used. Or the quality of it either.

This opens the door for allowing me to grant opportunity for income to those who provide such meet that would not in other situations be acceptable. I mean can we really say that the health department's standards are at times less than flexible.

I just try to inspire those wonderful independent businessmen with the kind of chances to share in community activities that we all will benefit from in due time. There are moments when this does challenge conventional thinking.

Which to me is the spirit of invention when can test the envelope of one's thinking. Of course there are times when a few folks end up having to take tests for food poisoning as a result of my labors, but live and learn as they say.

OH BOY, OH BOY

Exceptions verses excitement. They hardly seem like things that go together. However for me they are partners.

See sometimes you need to have the exceptions in order to have the excitement part. That is so necessary when dealing with some clown with no sense of humor.

Like those who work on holidays. I'm talking about people who do so on purpose and have a choice not too. Yeah, the ones you would not vote for as life of the party.

And the one thing I dread is when Mr. or Ms. Personality ends up in charge. Because you can be sure they will not grant a single moment of joy to go with the chore.

Which is when I have to develop my game plan of buts. Yeah, I have a game plan for that. I have to with some of the people I deal with that are royalty in terms of spreading boredom and dull.

Naturally, these joyful people will never understand the need for smiles. So the option is to appeal to their practical side by giving them a chore to keep them busy.

Then while they are distracted and not able to notice your lazy butt doing nothing, you order a pizza and beer to have delivered where they won't notice. Making sure of course that they do not in any way find out.

The big condition to that is obviously that you do not encounter them later with pizza breath. That totally destroys the illusion. Plus they might expect some too.

Now if you work it out good enough, then you can have your pizza and eat it too. Meanwhile the anal retentive types get their jollies thinking everyone is as bored at they are.

I figure the key is here is using the buts to make everyone have their own version of excitement. It is just a matter of appreciating how for some people they idea of excitement only works if they are miserable.

All I do is make sure they can get so thrilled by the buts that they think they have really won. And as long as they can hold onto that illusion then they are happy.

In the meantime, the rest of us will have a true pursuit of happiness and all the joys they provide. I do find it interesting that the Constitution mentions the pursuit of happiness. No where does it mention the pursuit of dull.

I think that was obvious that our illustrious founding fathers enjoyed having a good time as much as the next person. Which is why they had to send a big butt to the buttheads in England who wanted to ruin the party.

So we invited them to a party in Boston. Only we were the only ones dancing.

PASSAGES

I don't mean savages, Indians or any other stereotype person one sees in stupid movies where natives are mindless boobs with spears and no clothes except a loin cloth. Those type of natives don't even exist in good old 'whitebread' ville where I am mayor that is called Mediocrity.

When I speak of natives, I'm speaking of the poor unfortunate souls who were cursed to be born in my city and have lacked the guts or ambition to find a real life somewhere else. Yeah, I include myself in that category.

Unlike the other natives though, I prefer to deal with my lack of guts, drive and all that other important stuff in a more wholesome way. Well, maybe wholesome is not the right word here. More like uplifting and positive. So wholesome in the sense that I feel it fulfilled in a good way.

The way I feel there is just not value in pretending on this issue that you can make morality the centerpiece. I'm sorry, but when you are totally deprived, even if it is your own fault, you are still going to need some form of satisfaction.

Which is why I figure I might as well get down and find that type of real solution that would make this truly a means to eliminating the restless feeling. I'm talking about distraction in a big time manner. None of this large coke and fast food options.

I'll pass on that for a restless need. However, it does seem to be the method of choice from some. Which if choking down a bunch of calories works for you, great.

But to be perfectly honest, I don't see where it really cures the restless state from what I have seen. Oh people like to claim so, but it doesn't impress me.

Which is made even more obvious from my point of view when I see how people react to a lack of satisfaction in terms of taking care of the restless problem. You can feel the tension literally radiating off their bodies.

And typically, like some guy with a broken leg who doesn't want to admit it, the person says, "I'm fine." I might believe them too if they weren't looking at the bumper of their car and wanting to bite it out of frustration.

However, I do let them stew in their dementia and denial. Every once and a while, they manage to get so desperate that good old Uncle Rash accommodates their restless needs.

That is providing it is a young restless lady. For the guys, I normally give them a few numbers were they can find some cure for their restless needs.

Naturally, I do keep track of such help. Never hurts to keep it as a detail to bring up in case the person doesn't cooperate down the road in one of my fiscal escapades. Yeah I know there is another name for it, but I prefer commission for aid with restlessness.

SOCKS AND OTHER DRAWER GEMS

There is something to be said to devoting adequate time making sure your socks match. I'm sure I'm like most guys who are convinced the dryer has some sick need to eat socks. Not all socks mind you. Just one of a pair.

Enough so you end up with too many cases of having only one sock of a pair. Which you don't give any thought till you run out of pairs and then panic.

At that point naturally it is too late. The evil dryer has had its cruel victory. All you can do is sit back and do your best to find two socks that don't look stupid together so nobody will laugh and point when you put your feet up on a desk.

The whole time you smile, while secretly plotting to get revenge with the dryer. It is hard to figure what would make a dryer unhappy though. That is a problem.

Now for me I see this as a much greater problem that socks. It also applies to underwear and pajamas. Only we are so busy being preoccupied by the evil sock demon dryer we don't have time to worry about the ones messing with our other stuff.

Personally, I think this is a very diabolical plot by the evil forces who secretly masquerade as appliances. I can imagine that they love to sit around when we are gone and plot ways to make us crazy.

And of course we fall for it, just thinking they are stupid machines and not some plot by appliance wizards to suck out our souls by driving us crazy with aggravation. Then they add to our stress level and before you know it, we got all kinds of stress related ailments.

Which we need to take medicines for that they no doubt control. See, the plot thickens.
That is so clever, so brilliant. So utterly incredible.

And we are powerless to do a thing about it. So all we can do is spread the word. That is the important part.

With knowledge comes awareness and then a chance we can band together to end the menace. Ultimately unite in a common cause to rid ourselves of this evil scourge called drawer paranoia.

Yes, I'm ready to join the fight. I'm looking for those willing to help me bring and end this terrible sock plight that we face together. Now how many can I count on for support?

Um, I thought so. Yep, this isn't too surprising. Once again the evil dryer demons have managed their victory against the innocent souls of sock dependency. Whew, sure glad to be done with that posting. Man if I had to write it much longer I would have gotten a headache from the stupidity. The things I do for readers. Jeez, I know it is pathetic. Maybe I'll spend more time looking for my missing socks.

BEEN THERE, GLAD I DIDN'T DO IT

Oh man, let me tell you if there is one time to go whew, this is it. That's because you sit back and are sooo grateful that you missed out on a chance to be stupid.

Kind of gives you a whole of reason to smile. The only feeling that is better is when you see someone else blow it instead.

I love the joy of lecturing somebody on making a bone head move. It just feels so great when I can do it knowing I barely missed doing the same thing.

Naturally, I never tell them that. And with enough practice I don't even have to feel the least bit like a hypocrite. Oh I didn't say that wasn't what I was doing, just that I didn't admit it.

There is just something satisfying about being in that glorious position where you can feel so relieved you lucked out and didn't screw up. Just seeing that look of shame on somebody else's face really makes it so joyful.

But then there are those darn times when you luck out and there is nobody else around that screwed up. Then you have those "that close" feelings like if you just missed having a major car accident.

So you sit and fight the need to shake just a tad. The whole time naturally the image of that moment replays constantly in your head.

Which is of course hard to get rid of at times. But with practice there are ways you can cope better than others.

And I may even decide to one day publish a book on the best ways of adjusting to these types of trauma. Perhaps it would make a great self-help book.

Yeah, Uncle Rash's guide to surviving stupid head butting moments. Hmmm, that would work.

Sounds like it has real potential. But then I always feel that way about my creations. Which unfortunately hasn't been an opinion shared by editors when I have tried to bless them with my creations.

Maybe I'll just put it on some web site. All I would have to do is come up with an appropriate and catchy name.

Well, until I can manage that. I will continue my vigil of savoring those I'm glad it is you and not me situations. They will give me plenty of cause to enjoy when fate taps somebody else on the shoulder for a change.

Which is another of those special times I savor. When fate isn't a jerk bother me. More reason to smile.

ABOVE IT ALL

Ah, is there any better feeling than to be able to feel you are insulated from problems? I love that feeling.

And I love it even better when it isn't from me lying to myself. Those are the best types of situations.

The big problem is that you have so much trouble finding real life situations where you really are invincible. Unless by chance you happen to be Superman and as far as I know I haven't been given that option.

I suppose having special powers would be nice. Not that easy to come by though. It isn't like there is a shop somewhere you can shop for stuff like super powers.

I can imagine it would be very popular. The big problem would be having so many people with the same powers. It would kind of cancel them out.

Maybe a lottery would work. Yeah, you could pay a fee to get a ticket to be Superman for a month or perhaps only a day. There would be a lot of people buying tickets that's for sure.

Now me, I would want the concession for having kryptonite. Yep, I would let them pay me to not give them some. I could imagine I could charge a nice hefty fee for that service.

Of course I would also not object to things like selling the kryptonite to the enemy of the person paying to be superman. That way I could double my income chances in no time.

I do appreciate how some might not think my approach is necessarily a good one. So perhaps I would be better off making sure I don't mention that part to the person being Superman.

While I'm at it maybe I can strike a deal to find a few fall guys to let anyone beat up. That way the losers in the lottery could still feel like heroes.

It is the most important thing I feel. And even without a Superman cape one can manage to escape to above it all.

Why with the right amount of money anyone can buy their own cape or Army of body guards to beat the snot out of everyone that gives them a hard time. Now that is what I call definitely being above it all.

And for a small fee I imagine I can pretty much figure a way to let everyone get above it all. Well of course within reason. Which always means that you can be above it all, but as long as I'm not part of the all. That is where I have to draw the line you understand. Just like to be sure I keep my options open.

TO DROOL OR NOT TO DROOL

Why is it wrong to get all excited when seeing some attractive member of the opposite sex? I think it is a fair question.

Heck, what are we suppose to do? I suppose you can do what most of us do, lie and pretend we didn't notice if we are somewhere that drooling is frown upon. You know like a PTA meeting.

That is supposed to be about families and wholesome values. We are supposed to be there to help and support the kids. To show our interest in the educational system and being partners in the learning process for our children.

Well that is the standard approach I imagine. However, what the heck am I to do when some mother is there that is so incredibly gorgeous I can hardly keep from drooling?

Is that realistic? If you listen to some people the answer is yes. These are the same knuckleheads who view morality as something you could inspire through laws. As if saying something is illegal really keeps everyone from doing illegal things. Anyone seriously buy that?

Which is my point. Why do we need to have all this silliness about desires? It is okay to have them. You just can only have them when somebody says they are acceptable. Like you have this faucet in your hormones you can turn on or off as your discretion.

Is anybody going to seriously tell me that works? I don't particularly feel like playing that game myself.

So I pretty much have set up my own criteria. Essentially, there are the drooling moments. The ones where the body takes over and you can only think of one thing when you see some beautiful member of the opposite sex. And it isn't pure thoughts either.

Well, what I have done is created a drool meter. I have catalogued all such experiences into the one's where you are free to drool without danger and the ones where you are likely to get into trouble.

So far I have resisted trying to publish this list. I figure that is probably is in print somewhere anyway.

Probably on the internet. Lord knows you can find pretty much everything else there. Perhaps on some web site devoted to drooling.

Hey, they have them for everything else, I imagine they have them for that too. In fact I imagine they have a special email system where you can contribute your own list of drool moments. Most likely for a fee though.

As for me, I just keep my list in a nice safe place. And not somewhere others can find. No sense inviting them to drool on it by mistake or otherwise.

TOO TRUE

Now this is really depressing. There are some things that you just wish weren't true. You hear the facts and keep hoping that the truth will somehow change.

And it never does. It just stays the same ugly and stupid truth with no chance of changing. Which is made worse because it is the truth in that situation is something everyone knows. So you can't even succeed in lying about it because it is common knowledge.

That makes things so much worse. I mean at least if the truth is not well known you can have a chance somebody will listen when you concoct some fabulous lie.

Those are the moments that really count the most I guess. When you can actually avoid the blunt reaper of grimness. Yeah, the truth.

That's right. It is how I view it. Those darn moments when truth is too true. Sort of like looking at your checkbook balance and trying to tell yourself adding a zero at the end will be a good choice.

Only the bank could care less. They are far too into the truth when it comes to money. You would think that they could cut you some slack in that regard. I mean just because they are dealing with numbers doesn't mean they can't have a heart too.

Um I guess we are talking about bankers. They hardly have a heart more than lawyers or politicians.

However, I would figure there would be profit to be made for them in lying about the truth. At least where money is concerned.

You know sit there and answer the phone and make you feel so much better by telling you that you have more money in the bank than you really do. They could charge for that service.

Then naturally they could make it all better in a way that totally raped you financially, but you felt good about it. Yeah, that would definitely be a plus I think.

Gee, I wonder if I ought to give them a call and see if that will be something they would want to consider. And who knows they might even give me a reward too.

Um, oh shoot. Now that I think of it, no point of trying that option. As I reflect on it they already have done this.

Only they don't call it lying. They call it credit. Work the same way pretty much. At least you can get plenty of crap to go with the lies if you work it right.


And if not, well, the plastic card does at least leave you the illusion of power.

TRUE BLUE

Yep, that's what being faithful and loyal can do for you at times. A real reward for doing the right thing. Aren't I so encouraging?

Well, I'm sorry to burst any bubbles of people who think life is only sunshine, but hey what can I say, you can dance or pretend to dance, but the music keeps playing on. So for some they dance, me I just sneak off and hope to get lucky in the closet. Er, sort of .

I guess right now, I'm just in one of those, "Life sucks when you aren't having fun."
I just keep telling myself that you ought to get a reward for being faithful.

Which I might actually see happen if I managed to stay faithful that much. I guess I'm kind of stuck in that regard.

See I keep telling myself that there is no reward, so it cuts back on my motivation. What I want is the reward first then I'll think more about being faithful all the time.

Only there is some unwritten rule I guess that prevents that option. You just don't get to choose in that regard.

So the way I figure it most people really end up in that same boat. Faithfulness feels less guilty than being unfaithful.

It just is so darn boring. And I'm sorry that is just the way I see it. Why can't faithful be fun for a change.

See somehow they need to fix that problem. We need to make it more attractive. Spice it up a bit. That way we would all enjoy it more.

But it never happens. At least so far. If there is a store somewhere that is giving out rewards for faithfulness and I missed it I would love the address.

Now true, it might take me some time to actually earn enough credits to collect a reward, but I'd be willing to give it a shot. And if they had a list of the rewards it would be even better.

Personally, I could settle for a nice photo of some young attractive ladies who would be willing to show me their gratitude for me being faithful. Now would that complicate things?

See that is the problem. You can get those kinds of rewards for faithfulness. I mean they would end up canceling out the faithfulness.

Gets to complicated for me. I'll just settle for not worrying about that option. I'm just going to take care of it my way. Oh, I'll still look for that reward option. Like so many other things that never happen. Cheers.

TRIED AND TRUE

I can't say that I feel these to necessarily go together. That's because there are a lot of things I have tried, but didn't find trying them made them share any truth I wanted to know.

Which I guess is a helpful truth to some degree. Sort of like eating something for the first thing and then puking your guts out. At least you learn the truth you hated it. Not always a lesson we think we want to learn, but it can be helpful.

Personally, I only prefer trying things that leave you with the truth where you can end up saying ahhh a lot. Only it is hard to find out if that happens without the trying.

Except when things are obvious naturally. Like for example you can pretty much depend upon the truth that walking out into traffic blindfolded will not be a healthy choice. I don't need to try that one to know.

So in part the tried and true could be relegated to an appreciation of ruling out incidents of plain stupidity. The kind where you don't need to be hit with a hammer to tell you not to try something.

I would presume though that it might be nice if that ruled out less than a bazillion other options. Only it doesn't. It just cuts down on the number of do this when you are stupid options.

Alas there is no limitation on occasions when you will simply not find out without trying whether something is good or bad. I personally would love to have a nice reference guide on some things.

It would safe a lot of time I imagine. But the problem is with human nature being such as it is, I doubt everyone would necessarily be willing to accept such a guide.

Still, I think it would be fun to perhaps help write. Providing I had an assistant to do most of the trying part. The stuff where I wasn't sure if it was truly worth trying and too chicken to want to find out for myself.

I imagine for the right fee I could manage to locate some able bodied individual who would consider such a job worthwhile. Oh I imagine I would have to toss in things like a decent wage, at least a cent or two above minimum. And perhaps medical.

Hmmm, perhaps I can get a break on the medical if I arrange to have the person do some testing for a lab. Heck, if I work it right I might even manage to cut a deal where I can recover the cost of the person's salary in the process.

Gee, I wonder if I could find out also about organ donor options? Well, not for starters you understand. Just in case things didn't work out with the employee and I need to well, I guess I shouldn't mention that part.

HUGGING IT FOR THE LOVE

There are a lot of things one might to want to hug. A teddy bear, a family member, some cute baby or little fuzzy animal. They all can make you tingle.

But you know speaking for myself there are some things I crave to hug more that others. After all isn't hugging about a form of affection?

That is my view of it. So the way I figure hugging is a way of expressing what we really care about. Seems reasonable to me.

What bothers me is that they only seem to reserve hugging for things related to what has feeling. Like hugging your spouse or granny. Those are okay, but I got a feeling there are a whole lot of things we would enjoy hugging if nobody thought it was weird or wrong.

So if you hug your granny you're cool. You hug a bag of money and your are a creep. Is that fair?

I mean isn't the important thing that you have passion? Come on, tell me you've never had the slightest impulse to get all hot over a wad of cash. Well, maybe not quite the way one would over hugging some gorgeous member of the opposite sex who is ready and willing, but it can make you tingle.

Which is what I wish to complain about. I see too many people who just are miserable all the time.

And in my usual practical and lustful approach to life, I figure the problem they just don't do enough hugging. The kind that is in balance with what they really love.

Come on folks and tell me you haven't thought about it? I know you are probably looking around to make sure nobody is looking before you nod.

Now there doesn't that feel better? Okay, I'll just let it be our little secret. Wink, wink. That's okay, Uncle Rash can keep a secret.

Providing nobody hands me a bag of cash to hold you understand. Then I sort of get all mushy inside and just melt in terms of remembering promised.

But aside of that little distraction I can almost certainly promise to a reasonable degree that I will most of the time be counted upon to watch your back. Unless I'm say bending over to pick up a penny.

However, I will be thinking of watching your back. At least you can count on my loyalty right up to the point I get distracted.

Hey, you got to admit that is more than you can get from some. And I can be bribe to lie to you if you want.

REWARDS FOR A GRIN

Ah, now this is so worth it when it happens. I just am thrilled when you can smile ear to ear over some success.

Oh true I would rather have money naturally. Or even the joy of revenge. But there is something to say about the moments when you feel warm all over and can only smile.

And naturally as fun as those moments are, they will never replace the joys of other situations. Just give you a reason to savor some moment of life that makes you go ahhh.

Pity there is no way to achieve a better balance in that regard. You know kind of have both. Have a reason to grin and also get big bucks too.

I mean I like to smile, but I don't mind the help of a few dollars along the way also. I hate to be so profit minded here, well okay down right selfish, but what's the point of pretending.

So for me, I try to find a certain balance. It isn't easy you understand. There are times when it is really a challenge.

And perhaps the biggest challenge is coming up with the best way to explain the grin other than the obvious. I don't know, but some people just really don't think grinning over somebody's misery as a good thing.

In the wrong situation, they can even get down right upset. And if you do it at the wrong time, whoa, we're talking big trouble.

Which is why naturally you have to have a back up group of really believable lies. The key to that part is of course looking sincere. Nobody is likely to believe you if you are snickering at the time.

For me that is just a matter of practice. Oh I have a whole list of ways to look sincere without actually being so.

I just can't exactly boast on that subject either. Wish I could. Shoot I wish I could write a book.

You just can't do that without risking the wrong people reading it. I had even thought of say using a pen name. But then that doesn't work either.

For you can't have big sales for that kind of book unless you can site your experience. That would be such a dead give away.

The fun part is keeping all that clear in my head when feeling the need to grin. Unless I happen to be by myself. Then it is no problem. Providing nobody comes in and wonders why I'm smiling. As long as I have both hands visible, it is easy to lie about the reason.