UNCLE RASH WANTS YOU

Yup, I'm looking for volunteers. Now unlike Uncle Sam, I'm not going to stuff you in a green uniform, put a gun in your hand and scream charge?

No, no, no, that would never do. I just don't feel in the mood to expect people to die for their country when it is MY country I'm talking about. Somehow telling people that I want them to bite the bullet just for the cause of greed sort of loses some merit in terms of patriotism.

That's why I'm looking for volunteers. People willing to commit themselves to my cause with the main risk being a possible paper cut.

Oh, I'm offering the chance for some benefits naturally. No medals or parades, but perhaps a nice letter of commendation. Maybe a nice to whom it may concern letter where I brag on you a little.

Now I know it might be helpful if I happen to mention WHAT I want you to do as a volunteer. I knew that sooner or later people would ask that question.

What I'm seeking to do here is enlighten a select band of dedicated souls as to the wisdom of politics as it applies to a small city's dynamics. And once the person is finished they would have a chance to go forth and share the mysteries of life in a social setting and do some good for others.

Well, that is how it would work in theory. I always love when you use the term in theory. It has such a ring of being inspired from my point of view.

And the really nice thing is if things don't work out, you can just shrug your shoulders and say, "oh well." Then you can promise to do better next time.

All in all I consider this a win, win situation. Win for me because no matter what happens, I don't take the fall. Win for the other person because they learn to never trust a politician.

And believe me that will be a valuable lesson if by chance they end up, um, in the sad predicament of faced with some kind of charges against them. They will have plenty of time to contemplate this lesson while sitting in a room with bars.

I will of course do everything I can to make sure I support you through the process. True, it will no doubt be from afar. I mean I really can't afford to admit any actual involvement with your situation.

But the nice thing is once you are finally paroled you can look forward to always having a job when you get out. I'm sure somebody out there will be happy to give you a chance. Maybe not me you understand. But somebody. Isn't that so encouraging and inspiring? I thought so. It is just a matter of finding somebody who agrees, but most people aren't that er, pliable with reality or the truth.

PICKING AND SINNING

Yep, I'm doing this as a rip off of the Hee-haw picking and grinning part. I thought the picking and sinning was probably more appropriate.

It just seems like there is always a lot of picking going on and mainly about sinning of some kind. Why? Well, I guess it is because you know people enjoy seeing the sinning stuff as bad.

Now I'm not really talking so much in the realm of the religious kind of sin. I guess most people might not presume there was a different kind, but there is. It is the sinning that I consider down right normal and perverted. It is the perverted part that to me makes it normal.

Anyway, people get on this bandwagon about how we have to you know purge the world of things like crime and all its various expressions. That is all fine and good if people actually did stop there doing the same thing in other ways. Which is part of my point. Why do we bother to make an issue of what flaw in human character then turn around and do a different one as if that is better.

I'm speaking of the basic nature of humanity to be very comfortable with contradictions in life. Such as, for example, someone who say drives a big gas guzzling limo to a meeting to discuss saving the environment. Now that might seem like an unfair example perhaps, but let me tell you something it is fair to common a problem in my opinion.

So I think we need a real dose of reality in these situations. Let's simplify this whole process. We don't need to have any of this silly campaigning against all the basic aspects of human nature.

Can't we get along with life and stop this foolishness? It would be a good thing for all of us if you ask me. Just a bit of sanity to replace the stupidity that prevails now.

Admittedly that kind of honesty would be something less than comfortable for some people. They have such a hard time embracing the fact that we are all a bunch of scum sucking pigs.

But then, you know, is it really better for us to parade around in our denial masks, having parties where we pretend we are really good hearted souls? Is that really a good thing?

Some people think so. I'm not personally part of that group, but some people think it is a good way to approach a very common problem.

As a result instead of us truly maturing as a human race, we continue to stumble. Real corruption doesn't take over because it is incompetent. Not because it doesn't want to.

I say let's give it a push. Come in let's sit down and embrace our lives for the joke they are. Then we can all smile and play a much better game of charades than the nonsense we currently try.

BECAUSE

Well as far as I'm concerned this ought to be as good a reason as any for any decision. Like I said it ought to be, but never is as rule.

People always seem to want a reason. Because just never seems to cut it with such people. They are never content with just because as an answer.

The problem for me is that even when I do have a valid just because reason, which isn't most of the time admittedly, nobody wants to hear it. They want facts, darn it all.

I was thinking that perhaps there were ways I can manage to use an alternative to the because word that would fly with people. I am exploring options.

Right now the closest I can think of in terms of viable is "extenuating circumstances." It has such a marvelous ring to it.

However, it is a tad over used. Just like trying to blame things whatever group of they you love to use as a fall guy. And with our government let me tell you the they does have quite a very worthy candidates.

But that is for another posting I imagine. For now, I'm just content to ponder how I'm going to work a viable solution to this whole because issue.

And outside of the extenuating circumstances option I leaning towards the ever popular double-talk gambit. That was has been used successfully on many occasions.

Let me tell you if you work it right people will be so befuddled by you words they will never even suspect what you are saying is complete crap. But you have to be extra careful. Because their is a fine line between credible and "you've got to be kidding." Oh yeah trespass into that territory and you'll be dead in more ways than one.

The wonderful thing that goes with it is the joy of when you succeed at this little ploy. If you can keep people from asking too many questions, I call that success.

Others have different terms for it. Some are of course a little less than uplifting. I just chalk those up to people with bad attitudes. Yeah, sometimes when you get rear ended too much in life it can sort of ruin your mood.

However, that isn't everyone you understand. Which leaves me with the joyous thrill of knowing how there is always a chance that this time will be different in terms of getting someone to accept so lame explanation as true.

Now it might be easier if I could get more people to go along with the because thing. Hmmm, perhaps with a bribe? Ah well, that is another option to explore. I wonder how much it would realistic cost to get people to develop a sudden case of blindness? I guess I could do a survey.

ARMPIT PHILOSOPHY

That's my term for when you try to rationalize what really stinks. And you keep doing it even after you deodorant quits working, if it ever worked in the first place.

Shakespeare once said how a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. There is a constant of wisdom in that comment about how we can't change our real essence.

But still, it doesn't mean we don't try. So even when the BO gets bad enough to make your eyes water, if you want to pretend everything is okay you'll figure some way to justify it.

Which is the real joy. At least for me it is. I love listening to the countless ways people succeed in trying to make something smell sweet, no matter how much it really stinks.

A word of advice buddy, buy lots of air freshener and stay outside as much as possible. Trust me that works as good as sitting there and lying about the smell.

Does this really come up that much? Heck in my line of work as a Mayor it happens all the time.

Perhaps the fact that I do live in a small city contributes to the fact, but honestly we got plenty of reasons for having lots of armpit philosophy. Perhaps if life in general didn't have the problem of too many bad orders it would be different.

But let's face it, in the small city where you have fewer possibilities you got all the more reason to feel like sucks without lots of chance for improvement. So taking a nice whiff of armpit philosophy really does help to forget what reeks.

And if you get real skilled at it you can manage to completely arrange to smell other armpit philosophy and not mind it too much. That mind sound disgusting, but you might be surprised how fabulous such a routine can be with enough practice.

Now in the big world outside of my little pond perhaps you have trouble getting to know others well enough to be comfortable with the armpit philosophy. You know you just have to be extra relaxed with some people to accept their version of thinking what stinks really smells okay.

So cheer up if you need it. There will always be enough deodorant to pass around if you need to.

And if you happen to be short of enough supply, I'm sure I could help. After all, in Mediocrity we've gotten so good at this whole deal that we don't even use deodorant any longer.

We just manage to pretend good enough that we can even call an armpit something other than an armpit. Hey, now that is the kind of philosophy I can enjoy.

YOU CAN DO IT

I love telling people this. And I really enjoy it when it involves talking people into doing something I don't want to do.

The secret to making this a success is convincing somebody that a lame chore is actually cool. That is all a matter of how good you are at lying.

Yep, like so many things, it seems the truth has to be sacrificed for the general welfare of our sanity. It sounds good at least.

Now you might conclude that I have some kind of personal agenda to make lying a good thing. I'm not honestly suggesting that. I'm just downright saying it.

See, to me inspiration is in reality like a lot of other things. You have to help somebody who doesn't think they can do something believe they can.

In reality they might have the potential, but they don't believe in themselves. So what you are doing is lying to them so they will ignore their idea of reality and buy your fantasy. Which is in all actually truth once they do believe in themselves. Thus is really isn't a lie once the person does what they didn't think they could do, but really could.

Everyone got that? I hope so because I nearly got a headache just saying it. However, I think the principal remains valuable.

Just get the person to think they can and then they will try. Hopefully they will actually succeed too.

All of that is, of course, a massage job that I feel good about because I keep telling myself I'm doing it to honestly help the other person. And I even tell others the same thing.

However, as I started out saying, in reality most of the time this for me is more about convincing somebody they can do something I don't want to do. If in addition it happens to be a good thing for them, all the better. Then I can promote it as a charitable act or good deed.

Ah, the sweet flavor of deception with an altruistic twist. Just makes me feel warm all over. Then though, that might just be from forgetting to turn off the heater.

Oh well, in the end as long as somebody ends up with a smile and I don't have to do something I'm too lazy to do, then it is a good thing. And if I need a few extra myths to make it all work out okay then that is a good thing too.

Meanwhile, along the way, I might even in up inspiring someone so I get some free labor out of them. That is what I call a blessing. Hey, that is what I call it, others have, um, a different interpretation, but I think mind sounds so much better.

WHEN IN THE COURSE OF...

Well, I imagine this is probably something one might expect to hear related to very patriotic and statesman like event. Make the heart swell up with pride as you stand and salute the flag and then sing the National Anthem.

But as wonderful as all of that might be, it isn't what I'm going to write about. Nope that would be too easy from my point of view.

Now let us take a moment to analyze this. First of all we got when. Meaning a specific time, yet to happen. So you do it when that time happens and not before. Otherwise you don't stress over it you just don't even have to think about it.

Then we have the in the course of. That to me suggests a given direction with intention. This isn't a matter of accident. It is more like you are heading in a given direction and you better watch your butt pal. Yep, this is one big warning.

At least it is too me. And believe me I do take it serious. Because the one thing I don't want is to work hard plotting some really big con and find out too late that I'm about to get rear ended for not paying enough attention.

Okay, that isn't patriotic. But think about it for a second. Weren't our founding fathers a tad on the clever side to come up with this whole thing in order to excuse their actions?

I'm not complaining you understand. I would do the same thing if I was there. Well, true, I would have sign the Declaration of Independence either in disappearing ink or with an assumed name.

And if things didn't work out you could be sure that I would have been the first one on the block to sell the names and address of the others for the right price. See, that is part of the when that counts too.

You just don't hear it mentioned quite that way. Which to me suggest the founding fathers had some darn good press on their side. That was a good way to plan ahead.

As for me, well I just try to learn some basic principles of survival in the process. That means you never, ever let your butt be exposed when bending over to rip off somebody else.

Hey, I can translate this thing the way that works for me can't I? I think you need a sound mind of larcenous logic working for a practical approach on such inspiration.

And to think I don't even charge for my advice. I am working on that part though. All I have to do is figure out how to charge without giving a guarantee that my advice will work.

Some people can be so mistrusting. Ain't it a shame?

NEVER SAY...

The optimum ending I suppose is to finish with never. Which is a pretty sound philosophy in some ways. At the heart of which is the awareness that nothing in life is certain as a rule. So saying never means you are making sure something will never happen or on the opposite side saying it will never not happen.

I like the word never in some ways. It has such a ring of confidence and control. But you know in reality since actual control is more an illusion that truth, never is sort of utopia of self reliance that is mainly a myth.

Now I know and you know that, but it doesn't mean we like to admit it. We just have so much more fun pretending we are sane and in control and even when so disaster takes place it's cool. It was really planned in the first place. Sounds good even if it is a crock.

Yeah, I have been giving that aspect a little thought lately. Personally, I find it most comforting to be able to give meaningless speeches about self-reliance that never actually exists. See there is another optimum use of the terms never, which I savor.

In any event we all get jazzed and have a great time sitting there and feeling all pompous and lords of all we survive. And as long as we squint in the right light so we see only about a foot or so, it is absolutely true.

For myself, I don't know, I do relish the precious gift of excuses that everyone accepts as true so we don't have to face the dreadful truth that we all suck in some ways. There is that old saying about keeping a stiff upper lip. It was probably invented by some guy who has his lipped surgically altered so it always looked that way. Can you tell I'm not impressed with that idea.

Okay, for the record, panic is normal, being calm, cool and collect only really happens in the movies. Unless you are utterly brain dead or otherwise incapacitated so you only see what you want to see. Now that is heaven in a practical sense if you ask me.

So, I savor the precious gift of finding someway to always make the future seem rosy and promising even though it sucks and we are all going to buy it in the end. I think I would have enjoyed being the publicity manager of the Titanic. I would have espoused how it would never sink, no matter how big that iceberg had been. And naturally, to display our faith in the boat's durability everyone could go on savoring the moment by passing out the champagne and having a party.

Meanwhile as they were all getting drunk and not paying attention to the water pouring through the door, I would has gotten all the life preservers set aside to sell to them for ten times the going rate. Oh I would haggle for a bit and then make sure I was in the life boat I kept hidden while they all fought over getting into the other ones.

Oh I might say a few words of sentiment as the boat sunk while hugging my bag of cash, but in the end I would vow to never forget the wisdom of denial and times when never means anything, but never.

NEVER GIVE A SUCKER AN

Well, I'm not going to take the easy and well known option of finishing that with even break. That would be too easy, too obvious and um, not really the way it works.

See it is far more complicated in reality. At least for me. You do have to give a such a break, even or otherwise at times.

It is just for illusion you understand. Not that I give a darn about the sucker, I just want them to think I do. That is what is most important.

See, before you can totally fleece some people you have to be sure you make them want to trust you. That way if you haven't already sucked them dry you can do it completely. Clever huh? I think so whether it is or not.

Anyway, that means you have to employ the old adage about spending money to make money. Give out a few crumbs in order to get the whole loaf later. It is a simple matter of economics in terms of ultimate benefit.

Yes it is absolutely intentionally sleazy. It is a relevant thrust of desire to gleam as much as you can from anyone who might otherwise succeed in resisting on some level.

So in that regard from my point of view this is the ultimate form of never giving anyone the slightest degree of mercy. Only it doesn't end up sounding that way, which is the whole point of my effort.

You see from my view the best victim is the one who doesn't even know he or she is a victim. That way they will be less inclined to complain or feel like a victim.

Now the really masterful stroke is to fleece somebody and leave them feeling like they actually won. If you do that then you have truly achieve a victory.

Ah the joys of illusion. They are always so precious when inflicted upon those who in their pride think they are superior.

Because in the end you have the joy of letting them walk away, perhaps fatally wounded in the pocketbook and thinking they are the champions at whatever. Then while they are on a fiscal deathbed you get them to fork over the last of their bucks and think they are still winning.

Afterwards, at the funeral or in this case the bankruptcy court hearing, you let them walk away still deluded into thinking they are great. Meanwhile, you mosey off with the money widow for some evening of consolation. Then later comes the — um, well I guess I don't need to tell all my secrets do I?

Ah, life. It can get interesting at times. And once and a while you win when somebody else thinks you lose. That is the kind of break that always keeps on giving.

NEVER MORE

Oh yeah, never more is that wonderful vow that hardly ever happens never. Er, that is so say it never actually happens in reality. Well, I suppose I can't speak for others, just me.

But, at least in my observations that is the reality. Oh one can't forget the merits of say, good intentions. As they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I have my own slant on that saying. In my opinion the problem is with two issues. One is a lack of patience and the second is not having realistic intentions in the first place.

They both entwine you see in the result being that when we want to do something good we think it should always work out. Like the big guy upstairs should somehow endorse it just because we thought it would work.

But then the problem it that is all in our interpretation. And naturally because we decide that God should get behind it we think it should happen, RIGHT NOW!

So when it doesn't we get bored, we get confused and then at times we panic. All of which results in us doing something to really screw up so whatever good we thought might come out of it really gets messed up.

And that folks, naturally leads to HELL, with a big capital H. Come on you know it is true. After we dream of a heaven as rewards for trying to do the right thing and it completely falls apart, that feels like hell.

Only there isn't any lake of fire unless you sit on it by accident or any devil standing behind you with a pitchfork prodding you. Nope, he doesn't need to even bother. I think he has enough volunteers willing to do it for him.

The result naturally is that we go from the clouds to a desert where we end up being kept coming by a bunch of cactus furniture that only makes our misery even more miserable. All because we had the lame idea to follow an inspiration that we thought was going to make us a saint in the process.

But since we didn't bother to think beyond our own ego, we never got the facts straight. The result was that we sink even farther into some torment for feeling stupid in addition to not getting a chance to be fitted for a hero.

I tell you it is no fun dreaming of being a hero and ending up looking like a jerk instead. It isn't what I call fun.

And you know what, the real fun is that I know that tomorrow it will happen all over again. Only the next time the hell will be worse because I will have learned nothing in the process from my last screw up. Ah, it is to laugh. Why not? It isn't doing any good to promise myself that my next time will be better. But then we can always hope, just don't think that fairy tale will always end in a happy ending.

YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO...

I may have rambled about this at some point in the past. The fact that I can't remember just goes to show how well the topic sticks in my brain. Or should I say doesn't stick in my brain.

Promises are always great to hear. They might be more blessed if they came true. It really doesn't matter where you can take something if you do actually take it there.

But we try. That is we talk about it. Not that we really take it to wherever, but is sure sounds great.

Which is probably my best observation. Illusion if stirred by promises is so comforting. We love good news. It might suck in terms of what really happens, but it sure is nice to hear just the same.

Lately I have really been devoting a lot of thought to the subject of make believe. I know I'm suppose to be practical when being the elected leader of a city, but for some reason these days I'm not finding that appealing.

And I have concluded, no matter how absurd it might seem that make believe works better than reality. At least it is more fun.

Can you remember for example ever wishing you could fly? Okay, how many of us dreamt of being Superman?

It didn't even matter than he was from another planet or a fictional character, I would have enjoying getting to fly. True, I might have savored the chance to get lucky with that hottie Lois Lane too. But then that is a different kind of flying isn't it?

So call me silly if you want, I need those you can take it experiences. It just helps keep life from being completely boring.

Like for example the time I imagined the taking it to part had to do with somebody taking all the clothes in the city to a warehouse. Then everyone was forced to run around stark naked.

I have to confess my mind sure filled with some nice images of helping to comfort some poor grief stricken young women. Ah, the idea of civil service got interesting with that option.

I was truly savoring that fantasy till this one lady happen to come to my office who was, shall we say, something less than a vision of beauty. Imagining her in her birthday suit was not a vision that I really wanted.

So I went to the nearest bar, and soaked up enough booze to forget the image. At least seeing the cocktail waitress helped to temporarily revive the fantasy. That was till — um, never mind, I don't think I should spoil the fantasy for you with talk about what less that lovely came through the door next.

WOULD THAT BE ENOUGH

Ah, what tender and sentimental thoughts do arise from the most unexpected places. This particular one comes from that movie, "The Fiddler on the Roof." Even though it took place in another country, I think the comment reflects the opinion of plenty of people.

Basically, it is that old what if scenario of what we would do if we were rich. It is a nice fantasy, but let's be realistic, even if we were to get rich tomorrow it wouldn't be a ticket to personal freedom the way we hoped.

First of all you got the problem that if you got bucks, everyone will try to steal them. Oh some offer you service in return for the money, but they still want the money.

And if that isn't enough joy then you get to have the government as a partner. They will take what they want and otherwise ignore you like any good free loading partner would do. Can I hear and Amen on that one? I didn't think so.

Am I trying to suggest that being rich is a bad thing? Nope. Actually, I think it is a good thing, providing you don't turn into a jerk in the process.

I don't know, I savor my affluence and I suppose by some standards I'm well off, but I don't honestly consider myself to be the type who lives in a mansion and has servants. So I'm kind of a pseudo rich. Which means I got some money and nice crap, but I still go to work to survive.

I keep trying to figure out a way to reach some happy medium on this thing, but so far it hasn't worked. There just has to be a way to honestly have mega bucks without it ending up turning you into somebody who is a complete rat.

Which is kind of a pity since I got the rat part down real good. I just don't have the money to comfort me in my time of misery about feeling like a rat.

I know how they say the love of money is the root of all evil. What if you were to just like it a lot? Would that be enough?

Well, I'm willing to give it a try. I figure that if there is anyway I can manage to have a healthy bank account and sane mind it would be worth it.

Um, I guess that might be too big of a goal. I don't have a sane mind now, so I'm not sure regardless of the money I would have one.

However, the bucks might let me hire a shrink. That might be interesting I guess. But it would probably end up with my luck being the jerk would hypnotize and have me tell him where all my money was so he could steal it. Then afterwards he would bill me for the effort.

Guess, there are some things in life that just weren't meant to be. But you know I'll still have the right to imagine if I were a rich man and felt good about it too.

DOLLARS TO DONUTS (GLAZED THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

Do you ever wonder where they come up with some of these sayings? This particular one seems most often to be associated with the idea that betting dollars to donuts means something you think happens to be turn.

I'm not sure for gamblers what the actual rate of exchange is for dollars to donuts, but I do know that in the end it would seem if you lost you still won. By that I mean if you fork over cash for some donuts then you got something in return for your money.

That's not always true with all kinds of wagers is it. And I assume that perhaps somewhere in the distant pass when donuts were more dominant as a food this was more important. I'm not suggesting that they are necessarily a dying breed. I'm just saying what with bagels, croissants and this preoccupation with eating healthy these days, donuts are not quite the king of morning they might have once been.

So maybe we need to amend that phrase these days to dollars to say, the nutritionally balanced, organically nurtured breakfast entree that adequately provides an appropriated source of vitamins for the well being and health of the consumer. Doesn't quite have the ring to it of dollars to donuts does it?

And let me tell you if you haven't been to one of those gourmet coffee places for some of their brew coffee with an Italian sounding name to go with that breakfast feast, then it definitely needs to be more like tens of dollars to donuts or whatever. I doubt that the person or persons who invented this phrase did so while waiting in line for a super huge coffee whatever with foam on top.

If they had the saying might have been altered in some way to include "oh my god, I'm getting reamed for the price of this stuff." As for the donuts, well you'd have to settle for some other, more pricy serving. That means they would charge you the equivalent of what you might otherwise spend on a dozen glazed just so they could heat the item and serve it on a plate with a fork.

Which to me all comes down to being a mere reflection upon how what was once a simple observation about some faithful old deep fried tasty has now been exchanged for overpriced coffee and something fattening that is also overpriced. This is I suppose a form of progress.

I would personally be content with a few glazed and ordinary coffee. But then these days if you coffee cup isn't made of Styrofoam with a fancy name on the side how will anyone know you even had any?

As for the donuts. Well, somehow the humble donut appears to be mutating to a food that compliments the expensive coffee.

At least I suppose, we don't do much better on the donuts any longer. Maybe we can replace it with something else. I'll vote for Pop-tarts myself.

TOPPING IT OFF

I think there are lots of things you can top off in life. But I imagine for some people this is mainly about filling up one's gas tank. It is that practice where the nozzle clicks off and you keep pumping so you can make sure you get just that little extra in the tank so you can avoid having to fill up as long as possible.

And even though the gas stations tell you this is a dumb practice and wasteful we, um I should say I and those I know still do it. Why? Because we are morons who think we are experts at everything. Pardon me if you don't feel that definition applies to your life.

In any case I think what I'm referring to here is the sacred practice of topping things off for the sake of getting an edge of some kind. It doesn't matter how much it is stupid, we are going to do it just in case in makes a difference.

To me this is in fact just a form of gluttony and a practice of extremism as well as the joyous display of shear excess. And I say so being totally willing to admit my own involvement.

Oh I would never mention it to the public you understand. Any more than I would confess how I steal, lie and fool around with female voters. Being lecherous and deprave person by nature doesn't not mean I want to announce that fact to people who vote for me. They have a tendency to not have any sense of humor about such behavior or compassion either.

So, I live the double life, which works for me. My style is to espouse moral tradition while picking pockets on the side. It is a wonderful hobby from my point of view.

The best part is I can subtly introduce to a few more pliable minds the wisdom of my approach. Normally this works best when I catch them in an act of excess.

I have contemplated ways to try and enhance these occasions whenever possible. I just haven't work out the workable strategy for such situations.

You see the problem is people love excess as a practice, just not as a confession. Who wants to really be treated as a pig? Oink if you do. I will applaud your honesty.

As for me, well I will always cherish those glorious moments when I can salvage the occasions of reaping more than I sow and getting some other clown to get the blame. That is the best of both worlds.

If only I had a way to get that insipid do-gooder Lance Allworthy to take the fall for some of these acts of excess. Shoot I can't even get him to fudge on his expense account.

Oh I have tried. But you know it is so hard for me to concentrate on a good lie when I have to put up with that darn harp music that is always playing when I see him. It just spoils my concentration.

THE WORLD SUCKS, BUT I LIKE POPCORN ANYWAY

Why do we insists upon thinking life will get better someday? I'm not trying to be a pessimist here, just asking the question.

As I see it we all share in a world where we improve our toys from time to time. But we are more obsessed with making bigger firecrackers than games. That is because we know that there are all kinds of other creeps out there doing the same.

Which makes sense because as a rule people are generally greedy, selfish jerks. You may quote me.

Oh there are the real nuts out there who try do actually do good sometimes. I hate those people. They ruin life for the rest of us and give us hope that maybe we could all be decent people. What kind of benefit is that when it is mainly a fantasy.

So how come we can't just you know turn the whole thing into one giant soap opera? Yeah, if we are going to live in a toilet filled with a bunch of people who act like turds then let's do it right.

I'm talking about enjoying the evil and stop pretending it is going to get better. Now I'm still in favor of punishing the really, really, really bad people. You know like serial killers and others who are just plain sick.

But I think we need a different approach to this whole thing. We need to accept all these regrettable aspects of human nature as fact.

Then we can turn them into forms of entertainment. I mean there no reason we can have a few laughs while enforcing the laughs is there?

So the thing goes with all those nasty little buggers who have a passion for blowing things up. They are such morons. What good is there to only destroying crap? Unless say you happen to be the sort that can turn it to a profit by being the type to also own the repair options.

I just don't see that as the angle these clown have who are always running around trying to destroy crap. I wish they would listen to reason.

Now if they really want to cause people trouble, you don't kill your enemy. That never gets you ahead.

Instead you have to get into the service industry where you can bleed them dry of money. I call that the type of destruction where you wipe out their pocket book and do it with a smile.

Plus if you really want to get nasty you can take forever repairing their crap. But best of all they are still alive so you can abuse them over and over and over. I call that a win you can definitely win!

PROFIT AND LOSS

This is one of those simple subjects that in many ways is regarded as black and white or perhaps I ought to say black and red. But to make it easier let me put it this way, profit is good, loss is bad.

Everybody got that? Of course you do. Only if you do how come we don't all do our best to only worry about making huge profits and avoid any losses no matter how small?

The reason is easy enough to understand. It's call exceptions as in tax deductions. Well my interpretation that is.

You see making profit is suppose to be the goal of any organization devoted to the concept of existing to survive financially. Such as corporations. They are fiscal entities that have no lifeblood unless they make more money than they spend.

Individuals deal with that problem in different ways, such as using credit to subsidize when they no have enough money. But sooner or later if you can't borrow money on credit cards and don't have rich grandfather, you have to take a second job or end up bankrupt.

Corporations of course can't borrow money too, but I doubt they have any Uncle Joe to borrow from if things get tough. So that is why the profit deal is so important in that realm.

Am I boring anyone by saying things you already know? Perhaps. And why am I bothering. I guess because my real goal it so take issue with the whole idea that corporations actually exist just to make profit.

And in fact there are some organizations that function in the none profit status. Oh they get to accept donations instead of selling anything, but they don't get stuck paying taxes.

All of this makes the whole thing muddled from my point of view. Corporations live to make money unless they are owned by a bigger corporation who is just using them to loss money as a tax write off. So there you go, the whole thing boils down to a tax deduction!

See, I got around to that part eventually. Aren't you proud of me? I'm glad I did. And now that I did include that I can go on to comment how we all need to lighting up a bit on this concept of profit and loss.

Because to be honest a lot of it is window dressing. There are some non-profit organizations that collect huge sums of money. And governments don't even have to worry about making a profit either. Wish they did to some degree. Instead it is the territory of business when it is properly applied. Which is not that often in some cases.

But we do manage to go on despite that fact and somewhere along the way hopefully we don't always think profits is success and loss failure. That is a definition reserved for the domain of speculation in my opinion.

GIVE AND TAKE A GIFT OF TAKING

My desire here is to reflect upon the basic practice of giving. Now from my view there are all kinds of giving. Some are nobler perhaps than others, but essentially the issue here is that when you give it means you are taking something you have and allowing someone else to possess it.

Which comes down to knowing that the gift you've given cost you something and helps the other person. It isn't a hard concept. At least, not too me.

However, where this subject gets muddled for me is in the area of real sacrifice. What makes it truly special is when the person doing the giving really suffers some kind of loss. Otherwise it is just more like a tip or has some ulterior motive so the person doing the giving looks like a generous person, but really isn't.

For me of course, I'm the kind of guy who love having the illusion of being generous without really being generous. It is so much cheaper on the pocket.

So, for example, donating to charity and then being able to claim it on your income is a good thing to me. Because you get a tax break and at the same time get to look like a nice guy.

Likewise, if you are a politician like myself you get to do all kinds of things of a charity nature that make it seem like you care about people. But with me these are normally done for publicity and seldom does anyone ask when I show up at some fundraiser if I personally chipped into the kitty for the event. I'm sure glad that they don't corner me and make me confess that truth.

Why am I even bringing up this subject? Well I guess because I'm jealous of the pros in giving.

These are the ones that collect money for things like needy causes. Now I imagine some are legitimate, but do we always know for sure?

The real answer is nope. Oh, every once and a while somebody from the government will catch a person in the act who is collecting money of worthy causes and pocketing it, but in others they never get caught.

Those are my heroes. To scam people and be thought of as a hero takes real talent. And I'm darn proud to know such wonderful beings exist. I just wish I could compete with them. Sigh!

But life goes on and I'm still savoring each time I get to look like a great guy while in reality acting like a jerk. Those are times you can buy that easy.

In the meantime if you need someone to help raise money for any needy causes I am available. For a consideration of a no questions asked expense account. Need I say more?

New Verses 'Are you out of your mind?'

New can be fun. It can be nice. Providing it isn't insane. That totally depends upon the kind of new you are discussing.

See, a new suit, a new house or a new car are all great. But a new disease or bill isn't so wonderful. So it all is completely a matter of definition.

There are some people who think anything new is a good idea. They seem to thrive on new and also that buzz word, improved.

But just because something is new doesn't mean it is always a good thing. There are times when it can leave you with a reason to shake your head.

Well it does for me when I see people who are new junkies. And especially if they don't even care if the crap they bought actually has some real beneficial purpose.

That is the part that truly is scary. I mean new shouldn't relate to are out of your mind? They can make a new bomb that could blow up the world, but I don't want one and I sure don't want to try it out to see if it works.

Okay, you might say, I'm being silly. And you would be right if I hadn't been down that road with some people.

It might seem like I'm hung up on reporting only about nut cases and weirdoes. What else should I do?

Sane people do those kinds of incredibly bizarre things. They do not go after something new that is utterly stupid if you do buy it.

And they sure don't pay through the nose for such stupidity. At least I like to think sane people are smarter than that.

I suppose I ought to qualify my comment though. There are times when ever sane people can have a temporary case of the stupids. So I don't make allowances for the moments when somebody leaves their brain in a closet.

Only there is a difference between doing that once and a while and making it a habit. The ones who make it a habit are the ones you have to worry about.

So from my point of view, if you've got some unreasonable and burning passion to buy some new fly swatter that sings the National Anthem be my guest. Just don't bore me with it. And don't expect to be exciting for you when you attempt to use it to contact life on other planets.

There are just some new experiences that a person should keep to themselves. Which will be a case where you won't here me say, "Thank you for sharing."

BABY-NUTTING

This is my term for when I have to baby sit some very wacky people. And that pretty much describes just about everyone working for me. Plus my family, neighbors, the people on the next block and just about anyone who lives in my city of Mediocrity.

I'm serious, the whackos just seem to thrive in my city where being dull is almost a law in terms of living here. I think it is a case of the fact that the mind is forced to compensate for the lack of excitement. So it drifts away from sanity to something more entertaining, even if it is nuts.

All of that is mainly annoying when you sit in my chair and have to spend time listening to such dribble as a person having a crisis over the fact that their house plants are gossiping. Yep, I really enjoy hearing those conversations.

Now I do appreciate that in my situation that I should be used to having this be part of my life constantly. That doesn't mean I enjoy it or look forward to future conversations.

Which is why I try to view it as a form of babystting. Only I don't get paid per hour for the service. However, I don't have to change any diapers either so that is a plus.

What I manage to gleam in a way is the simple joy of feeling better about myself. That is a definite plus.

I can sit there and listen to all that demented dribble and say to myself, "See how much worse off you could be if you were stuck with that person's brain?" That always gives me pause to smile.

Beyond that aspect there is the added benefit of how it allows me some colorful details to add to my blog. After all, while the rest of the world who maintain blogs is worried about posting something truly informative, I'm happy to demonstrate how there are parts of the world where you don't want to live.

While the grass may seemed greener on some other hunk of lawn, thank to my effort you know there is one place where it might be greener, but stinks big time. And that should give anyone cause to smile.

So I just feel thrilled at times when I have to listen to why some employee fears their goldfish is the reincarnation of Genghis Khan. Now that was definitely a different conversation.

It still is better than some I've had, which I won't bother to repeat at this point. Why run the risk of using up perfectly good stupidity and lunacy in this blog when I can save it for later?

Ah, there is joy in the quietness of the moment when I can sit down and type all those great details into my computer file. I have it titled, "Pure crap that nobody is going to believe unless I explain it really great."

LABOR PAINS

Oh man do I know about this one. Only I'm not referring to those related to pregnancy. That is one kind of labor I have no desire to experience under any circumstances and I don't think I'm going to have to worry about it anyway.

I'm speaking of the kind of labor pains associated with being a boss. Yeah, the ones that you get from having all the people who work for you complain about the labor.

Now I'm the first to concede that lots of jobs suck. But so what? Come on now, let's be fair about this, can most people truly expect to be blessed with some employment that pays them how much they want and the work is perfect or completely satisfying?

It is a wonderful fantasy. Just not all that realistic. So it honestly translates from my view into the simple realty that whether you like it or not, you will most likely get paid less than you want and have to do work you aren't thrilled by.

And since the job of wealthy, lazy jerk isn't in the want ads and God isn't hiring anyone for his job, then we are most of the time going to settle for a paycheck. Admittedly, there are plenty of people with jobs that pay good and they do seem to enjoy their hours on the clock, it doesn't represent everyone.

Now as a Mayor, I have learned to cope with the annoyances of my job. The main annoyance though comes from people, which being a politician means it is my job in many ways.

But that is all something I accept. What I have trouble coping with is the times I have to battle the grumps. Those are the people who drive me nuts because they are never satisfied.

Sadly, that includes way too many of my employees. Which really bugs me since the way I look at it they could be way worse off.

That might seem like an unfair thing to say, but you know, I can't help reminding myself how here is this person living in this country with a job that pays enough to live on. They are living in Mediocrity, which may suck as a city in some ways, but at least we don't have a big crime rate. We don't have any excitement either, but you can't have everything can you?

There are times when I simply would love to point out to that person that I would be happy to let them trade jobs with some poor farmer in some distant country if they want to appreciate having a really tough job. And I do at times try to nudge them into accepting that.

It normally doesn't invoke the response I would prefer. But at times it does cut down on their complaints. And that for me is enough to end the labor pains for a while, which makes my job easier.

ALL ABOUT

I was thinking of those photo books you put on a coffee table that show you pictures about a given city. Or any other informative source that is suppose to give you the basics on something you otherwise might not have a chance to know.

In my experience though it seems that most of the time these all about things specialize in other than practical details. Oh I know there are those books for dummies and they are helpful. But I think they are mainly intended to simplify some subject so people who don't know the technical jargon can make sense of the subject.

What I think would be nice if they had any of these all about publications that dealt with critical items like all about embezzling. Yeah, you read that right. I said embezzling.

See the problem I see is that we simply invest way too much of people's time with the hassle of having them learn on the job. Let's face it that is way too inefficient.

I mean we could presume that there are enough honest people out there to hold public office so we didn't have to worry about this issue. Right, like that is really going to happen.

The truth is you can't have power and all that money and expect people will remain honest. Unless you live in fantasy land or something where people don't do what comes naturally.

So what I'm striving for here is a helpful guide to all about the types of issues that will save the public money by letting people not waste time with trial and error methods of stealing. Then you see, once they've got it down pat, they can get on with actually doing things that might help people.

I imagine there are a few narrow-minded souls out there that might find it difficult to see the merit of this point of view. So go ahead and enjoy being stupid. If it makes you happy, then that is fine.

Meanwhile in the real world, I'm going to concentrate on things that really work. In fact I think I'll give thought to writing this one myself.

And the first chapter will be the most useful I'm sure. I'll devote it to the list of excuses you can give if you get caught with you hand in the till.

I will probably throw in a few paragraphs about people you can frame if you do screw up. That should definitely make it marketable.

Perhaps I'll even toss in a bonus package deal for those who need the incentive. Maybe I can give a list of people you can blackmail to keep from telling about all the money they have sucked from the voters. Or I could just get paid by the people who don't want their names listed. Ah the possibilities are so thrilling.

BRANDMARKS, BRAND NAMES AND BRANDING

These all have one thing in common from my point of view. They all involve marking with some type of familiar image. Brandmarks too me are those logos or symbols that you identify with something.

Depending on if you remember them as good or bad will determine if you like the identity. But regardless of whether you like them, they will still be used by the person or company that think they are a good idea.

Brand names are those companies or products we know and generally trust. You look for the name on a product because you've either had a good experience with the product or believe whatever advertising spiel the are giving on the product.

As for branding, well shoot, that is normally associated with cattle where some rancher burns his name or symbol into their hides. All I can say is that would not be my choice of showing my participation in something.

In a way I see all three of these are related in terms of the fact that they all use symbols. Now branding something is definitely a severe option as opposed to putting your name on a product, but in reality if somebody brands their name on your mind it accomplishes the same thing. At least it does to me. You just don't saw ouch in the process.

Now am I suggesting that people who sell brand name products or use brand marks think of consumers as cattle? Well, are you?

My answer is of course they do. Why wouldn't they? And I for one plead guilty to being part of the herd.

Oh yeah, I fall for the same advertising hype as the next person when they show how some product is new and improved and suggest you can't live without it. And what is really disgusting is that even though I know it is how it works, I still buy the crap too.

To be honest, I don't think I'm trying to suggest that those who sell all the stuff we buy think we are somehow a bunch of dumb animals. I think instead they recognize that we are all so busy that we don't enjoy having to work that hard at chores like shopping.

True, there are people for whom shopping is their life, but for stuff like buying things you eat or use to clean, frankly don't most of us just want whatever works without a lot of thought?

Which is why I salute the branding of the consumer. Yes, you got that right, I salute it. After all, life does burden us with so many darn problems, why not have something that is easy?

So go ahead folks, do like I do and graze up to the local store, then as you are meandering say a little moo to let them know you know what they think of us. That ought to make you feel better or perhaps they'll give you a discount for thinking you're a nut.

OOPS AND SNOOZE

As a general rule, I got to be honest here and say, the one thing I'm not crazy about is admitting I was napping when a major blunder happens. I don't know, but it just doesn't work for me, or my voters either for that matter.

You see it is like this, you can make mistakes, but don't ever admit you are fat, lazy rat too. One is to be human, the other a slug. And people just don't seem to admire slugs, no matter how loveable you might think you are.

In any event, that is why in my Limburger guide to surviving political suicide and stupidity I always avoid responding to some press grilling over my blunders by admitting I was taking a nap. It might be the truth, but I just don't admit it.

Somehow, avoiding that honesty just makes things so much easier. It doesn't lead to any embarrassing questions that I might not care to answer. And anytime I can do that I feel a sense of victory.

I realize that my idea of victory is perhaps a tad skewed as opposed to what some might consider winning. But for a lazy lying slug like myself being able to avoid getting exposed for my real nature goes in the column as a win.

I know that would hardly be what some call impressive, but trust me, when it comes to the way my image is projected by the press you can be sure that it will look great. That isn't because I have any great publicists. It is because I have a buddy who is a newspaper reporter.

Isn't it wonderful in the land of the free and home of the brave how a little bribery goes so far to make sure the truth is whatever you want it to be? That to me is taking opportunity to its ultimate level of reality.

Some might call that deception. I call it editing for the sake of procuring a more uplifting profile.

Well, okay, it's nothing more than baloney in a different package, but I try to make it smell nice. As for the taste, you know with a lot of the right kind of lies for preservatives then it will even taste alright.

At least it will be long enough for me to be gone and off to look for my next victim before the person that swallowed my entry of crap finds out it was spoiled. Yeah, those are moments you just can't buy.

So in the meantime, the joy continues. I manage to be sure I get my nap time and that gives me plenty of time to invent great lies to explain the blunders that happen because I wasn't paying attention.

What can I say? It is a living. Maybe with a tad too much guilt, but then that is part of why I need so many naps.

OH YEAH

What can you say about this, but oh yeah? I know it sounds redundant, yet to be honest I can't think more fitting to say about oh yeah.

This is that moment of quiet victory when you see your worst enemy get what they deserve. Or it is the time when some grand plan truly pays off. Now that's a real Kodak moment.

The reason these are so special in part is because of the fact they are so often rare. We just don't experience them every day. And when it does come you are so darn happy you just can wanting to say something, but you're not sure what. So oh yeah becomes the simple and succinct comment without getting boring or wordy.

As I said the one problem is that the times you can say this with happiness are rare. So you just content yourself to wait till next time.

Now that I've explored what that term means to me, I suppose it would be helpful if I also elaborated on the best times to utter such phrases and perhaps when not too. Um for starters you should pick a time when it might be construed as being relevant to some other occasion for celebration rather than rejoicing over somebody's misery.

For example if you are at a sports event and you happen to hear of the demise of some jerk. All you have to do is wait for some proper second when your time does something good and TA-DAH you seem like a proud fan.

Another acceptable occasion is if you are at a buffet. You can look out over the feast and scream "OH YEAH!" Nobody will blame you. They just don't need to know that your really reason is because some jerk just got his butt in big trouble.

Anyway, on the downside are the times you have to be careful. There is just no way to shout "Oh yeah" at a funeral without raising eyebrows. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

And what ever you do, definitely try to avoid that comment after they say something about the passing of the dear departed. Unless you want the relatives thinking you are there to celebrate his or her passing. That might end with them deciding to help you pass too.

Then there is the issue of being in a church on Sunday. Now I admit that isn't my normal place to be on Sundays, but I have been there on occasions.

And if by chance I heard about some jerk buying the big one while there, shouting "Oh yeah" can result in all kinds of unwanted attention. This can be extra bad if they decide you suddenly found god, because they will get so excited they will want you to get up and tell them all about it. Now I'm no unskilled at lying, but doing it in church just for me isn't a good option. Call if being fickle, but I just don't want to risk any thunderbolts barbecuing my hide in the process.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING BREAD

No, I'm not trying to intentionally rip off that famous movie. But I do admit that I sort of had that title in mind only because it fit my posting.

Outside of the spiritual aspect of this living bread I want to take it to a political level. Bread is naturally a very basic type of food. I won't say you could live by just eating bread even though I probably have tried it or come close on some occasions.

But in terms of life I think what I'm referring to here is whatever staple happens to maintain your life. Now in terms of politics that is from my point of view, hope. Yep, that is bread from my point of view.

After all you can be in a very poor state on many levels, but still feel life is okay if you have some hope or vision. Only it does have to be somewhat realistic.

If you are say, living in some desert and starving way far away from any source of food, it probably isn't hope to think you going to eat right away. And if by chance you see the bleached bones of somebody who didn't make it and they are lying on the ground next to you then I would say you definitely are dreaming to think you're going to eat soon.

Which is why we need the dreamer politicians from my view. See you have plenty of story tellers out there that get paid to lie to us in terms of fantasies. They make life entertaining. Stupid at times, but entertaining.

However, the politician is the one who is suppose to make it all real in some real way. If it his actually doing his job. Which may or may not happen.

So in that regard, I feel that during some gala affair or celebration where you are having a big dinner, you need that extra desert from the all smiles and lies kind of dude. We just have to have that frosting for our meal.

I know that might sound kind of silly and all, but it isn't. It really is the night of the living bread from my view. At least that is how I justify my slant on the subject.

See, basically the way I figure it this a good thing. I know that is a good way to excuse spending so much time lying. But would the truth really inspire as much hope? I don't think so.

So until the time that hope is something you can buy in the store for a reasonable price, I'll just keep peddling it as best as I can. And sometimes I might be able to do with based on something credible.

Not sure when that will happen. I haven't seen too many situations where the facts give you a reason to have much hope.

Until then, well I'll just do what I always do, lie till you don't hear the sky falling. Isn't that special?

BETTER OFF SAID

There are times to know when to keep your mouth shut and others when to shoot it off. Sort of like treating your mouth as if it were a pistol.

Of course we don't have a safety for our mouths. And the ammunition doesn't run out like it should at times. But then neither is there much risk you're going to kill someone by a few words. Unless they have a heart condition naturally.

The big trick is knowing when and when not to say what needs to be said. That is the hard part at times.

One thing I have learned, people don't like being given advice unless they ask for it. Even if what you have to say is helpful. We just seem to be prone to not want advice in so many situations.

Despite all of that there are the times when you just really do need to have a shot at telling somebody something important. Just hopefully it is a situation where they don't end up hating you in the process or taking a knife and stabbing you in the heart.

It has been said that a lot of people don't want to discuss religion or politics. I find that most interesting since there are so many cases when that seems to be all that people want to talk about.

And isn't it interesting it would involve two such totally different subject. It does make sense when one considers that both involve a great deal of speculation without a whole lot of proof.

So naturally everyone has an opinion. But like so many situations nobody can really proof to us that our opinion is right or wrong.

However there are plenty of people that expect or downright demand you accept their opinion. Which can be really a pain if you are talking about religion.

I mean god knows there are way too many opinions on politics. And most of the time somebody has their idea on a plan to fix the world.

I just haven't notice the world improving that much in the process. Oh perhaps if you believe the news media's version of truth. Then it counts.

But outside of them, well we all get the joy of listening and then decide, which clown is probably lying to us the least. If we are lucky they might actually do something besides give speeches along the way too.

In case they don't I do rejoice over the thrill of being able to use the other guys as fodder for my own speeches. I always play up how I'm different. I'm not naturally, but it sure sounds good as part of a speech.

DO IT AND SHUT UP

Oh how wonderful it would be to work with a bunch of utterly loyal and obedient mutes. The kind that wouldn't ask stupid questions are argue when you asked them to do something.

I have tried to achieve that effort, but you know people, even employees just aren't inclined to be totally subservient without occasionally asking questions or expression their opinion. Robots might be nice too. Providing they could actually function without going crazy.

Unfortunately robots are quite available with the type of technology to totally replace office workers. I'm still hoping, but I don't see that coming down the road.

Of course I'm a realist too. I know that if they figured a way to come up with robot workers sooner or later they would come up with robot bosses.

The only thing I might feel good about in that type of futuristic world is that politicians would be harder to replace. I mean at least of the type we have today.

There might be a program you could develop that would allow a robot to lie like a politician. But I bet it wouldn't be that easier to develop.

Well, I keep hoping at least. However, I do also appreciate how you know they might want robots instead of politicians because they wouldn't lie. That by itself would be cause for concern, but worse would be the idea that they wouldn't need a paycheck either.

About the only good part in all of that is I don't think we want computers making laws. It would be hard I think to get a computer to appreciate why humans need some laws. After all a compute doesn't have to worry about money, food, breathing or water. So could it really see the logic to having laws to deal with those necessities?

I imagine the programmers would say they would figure it out. But I'm grateful that I won't live to see that day. Hopefully, I won't.

In the meantime, I still dream of a world where employees do more doing and less talking. That is one nice thing about the email option. You can dump them without ever reading them.

Or you can send a prewritten response that you never really care about, but hopefully shuts the person up. Who knows with a little effort perhaps we can use emails to replace all office conversation!

Ah, that would be so sweet. Imagine meetings, instructions, shoot practically all need for communication reduced down to a memo sent via an email. I might need to propose that providing I can find that list I misplaced of email addresses for all my help. It is such a pain when you are used to ignoring them and then have a reason to actually send them an email. I guess I'll have to come up with a system for that too.

THE FUN MOAN

Now that is something worth remembering. It is that fabulous time when you get to smile and let out a moan of pure satisfaction. This is that tine when you truly have reason to savor somebody getting what they deserve. I'm talking revenge naturally.

The problem is that people don't often admire when you gloat over revenge. Getting even is a good thing, but you aren't expected to do the victory dance and get nutso silly about it.

So we end up trying not to look like jerks by acting humble or a tad remorseful when our worst enemy bites the dust. Otherwise somebody will conclude we are a first class jerk. That is definitely not a good thing when you are a running for office and have to look like a decent human being.

It is all a game naturally. Nobody truly for one second is that noble, kind or compassionate. True, there are exceptions. They make me sick. Such people are a danger to society. I would hate to imagine if we were suddenly overpopulated with decent, caring people. God it would be awful if everyone went around being nice all the time.

I'm grateful that never happens. And I think when you look at things like our forms of entertainment such as movies I don't get the impression anyone is warming up to the idea of making that their goal in life.

So instead we restrain the truth of our nature from doing more than being a muffled sound of victory. One little moan that is shouting on the inside, hey the rat got what he deserved!

In my case, I often try to avoid being anywhere I can be seen when I'm inclined to moan. I mean it is so hard to restrain the need to shout and act totally happy that some jerk got what he deserved.

But in the event I do happen to hear about some enemy getting caught in a disaster and I'm out in public, well there is always the bathroom option. You just sneak off to the bathroom, hide in a stall, flush the toilet and hold your hand over your mouth. It is childish perhaps, but so is life when you think about it.

At least that is one of my many ways to cope with the joys of such situations. There are other, more infantile methods such as sending the poor suffering slob a telegram anonymously to congratulate him on getting zapped. And you really make it worst by sticking him with the fee.

Ah, the memories that brings back to me. I'm nearly brought to tears over the shear joy of that wonderful reflection. Pity I can share the joy with more people. But then I would have to risk my public image of being a nice guy. And that would be simply such a pain to fix with too many lies.

BEWARE

Oh the horror, oh the dread. The very word is meant to make you piss your pants. I can just picture it being uttered in some deep ominous voice that makes you quiver all over. And not in a good way. Quivering all over in a good way can be fun, but not this kind of quivering.

Beware is the kind of word that to me normally carries with it a certain degree of realistic threat. Like the signs that say beware of dog. You don't put that sign up unless you've got a very large and mean dog.

I suppose you could put the sign up for some pup, but there is something about that sign that inspires curiosity. Like people will try to see if you are bluffing.

So most of the time we know that so we don't use the word unless we definitely are serious. At least that is the prevailing opinion as far as I can see.

Which is okay by me providing you are dealing with a situation where others have the same definition. That is opposed to some chicken little type of clown who goes around shouting beware the sky is falling and we all know it isn't.

There are a few of those people out there, but for the most part I think the majority are fairly good at the beware thing. They know what it means and plan on dealing with it accordingly.

Which is a good thing I guess. After all you can pretty much depend that in a given situation there is something you can count on.

True it may not be the kind of uplifting thing you would prefer, but it is something. And I'm happy with that option myself.

As for the rest of the world, well sometimes I think you can put beware in the category of envy things. You know as in how we all would love to be the ones able to say the beware thing, but in a real sense.

Only genuine beware situations just don't come up that often. Oh they do exist, but just not everyday.

In a way that is a good thing. I mean life could get really difficult if you had to always cope with some beware issue looming out there. I really don't need that kind of stress and I don't think anyone else would either.

Still, I got to admit everyone once and a while it would be fun to be the beware dude. I guess the attention would be fun.

But then I'm prone to think in such terms since life is far too boring at times. Hopefully, we can figure more good things to make a beware deal. Just not sure where or when.

A LITTLE DRAB WILL DO YAH

Yep, when it comes to drab paint jobs, a little sure goes a long way. It just screams, yawn.

So, therefore, it only stands to reason that one would not want puke green walls or gray or anything else that would tend to put you to sleep. Why would a person actually shoot for the moon of dull? Well cost I suppose.

Those paints are apparently available at discount prices since no sane person would most likely care to indulge in them. However, I don't think that applies to some government facilities since they do tend to favor such colors. At least where we live.

And thus whoever originally decided to paint the offices of the city hall where I am Mayor must have thought it was a good idea. I presume they decide to model our offices after the big boys.

To me that thinking screamed stupid. It is totally based upon the absurd ideas that the big boys are somebody emulate. I don't happen to share that approach.

Mainly because there is no gain in that approach. It isn't like the big guys are going to show up at our small city and be impressed.

So why bother to do anything to please them. We're lucky if they even know our name, which probably only happens with the area of taxes, but nobody wanting money doesn't know your name. They may not care about it, but they will know it just the same.

Still, despite the fact that the color does suck and I don't personally care for it, I have decided to change the colors. Why? Well simple, other colors might inspire.

Yes, that's right. If we used lively colors the workers might get inspired. They might decide to think for themselves and then before you know it figure they deserved more out of life than low wages and a life of being ignored.

Can you imagine what would happen to the fabric of our garment of dull if those minds suddenly started trying to enjoy life? God it would be a disaster.

Before you know it the next thing would be them asking for other improvements. And after that they would start deciding we ought to really help the people.

What kind of sick mind would honestly expect a government, especially a small city government, to actually help people? That kind of thinking leads to er, democracy working?

We can't have that in Mediocrity. We are the standard bearer of dull and boring. Change would mean we would have to change our city's name. Think of the expense alone of having to change all the city signs? I perish to contemplate. That's why the walls never will change colors.

DO OR BUY

I like these kinds of choices. You decide to do something or buy something. When does this happen? Well if you are me all the time.

The reason is because the other options of putting up with crap I dump on the people who work for me. That way I can do what I want and also have time to buy when I want.

Which is the way I hope it works. It is a more a theory you understand than a rule. I mean I can hardly fire my employees if they till me they are too busy with other crap I dumped on them to do something extra.

Now if we were still living in the times of kings and queens that might be different. Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to be a king. There is too much trouble with people plotting to bump you off and take your crown. Getting fired then meant literally involved being burnt at the stake. Okay for the kind lighting the wood, but not for poor guy tied to a stake.

The important thing from my point of view is that I would have enjoyed the position of being say the head suck up. You know the guy who sneaks around and gets to tell everyone else how to obey the rules, but doesn't worry about keeping them himself. I know the other day for that would be a hypocrite, but heck who really cares. A guy in that role gets all the fun without any risk. If something goes wrong the king gets the blame.

But unfortunately, I don't have that option. I'm stuck with our current system. And as long as I can pass out enough baloney fast enough then I got no problem.

Which leaves me free to pursue a life of pure selfishness. I can't of course admit to that type of option. It just doesn't sound good to others.

People can be so darn unreasonable in that regard. They just think you ought to care about others. That can be so boring.

Now the thing is, I'm not really saying I'm against helping others. All I'm saying is that I think a lot more people don't truly practice being humanitarians as much as they claim.

So rather that go through the motions of pretending I do, I just figure it is easier to be myself. Not that I hate the idea of lying. Some of my most memorable moments have been gained as the result of some big fat lie.

It is just at times I like the simpler life when I don't have to think that hard. It just makes things less complicated.

And for me that includes the fun times when I to do or buy. Ah, how sweet it is. The only thing that makes it even better is when I can take the receipt and put it on an expense account. That is really the times that brings tears to my eyes.

CHEERS

That's always sound advice. But how come it always seems to come from somebody who doesn't have a reason to need to be cheered up?

It generally seems to be some clown sitting there having a good day while you stuck with your head up your butt. Oh yeah, don't you just love with that happens?

No, I don't like it either. Encouraging is not the word I would use to describe how such people make me feel. That kind of encouragement is to me more like a person boasting.

Very subtly what they are implying is that if you weren't such a dufus you wouldn't have that problem. Only they are smiling and claiming they are just trying to make you feel better.

Personally, I never feel better after they do that personally. I always end up feeling mad. Of course I have my own ideas on how to deal with such forms of cheering up.

And the good news some of them are most of the time legal. Well, as far as I know they are generally regarded as legal.

But in order to avoid the possibility of saying something I might get into trouble for, I think I will just mention that the prime goal in such situations is to end up being cheered up. Now in the accomplishment of that goal if you happen to have to make the other person feel like crap, that is a good thing. I just regard that as a perk.

The simplest way to achieve this from my point of view is to be sure I divert attention from my misery by recalling some time when that person was totally humiliated and miserable. Oh yeah, how sweet it is!

It can be tricky though if you don't happen to know of some situation where the person blew it big time. Then you sort of need to probe around with some small talk tell you get them comfortable enough to spill their guts.

Which I generally start by getting the person to talk about themselves. Most people think you are asking because you care or are genuinely interested.

I just use it as a means to catch them off guard and get some information about them. Then once they have confessed the moment I just pushed the conversation farther along that road.

Before you know it, the smile has left their face and they look miserable. Oh it is to savor as a precious moment.

After that I get to take my turn at cheering them up. If I work it right, they left and want to go crawl in some hole and I get to sit and feel so darn cheered up. Ah, those are the moments to cherish the most.