OOPS AND SNOOZE

As a general rule, I got to be honest here and say, the one thing I'm not crazy about is admitting I was napping when a major blunder happens. I don't know, but it just doesn't work for me, or my voters either for that matter.

You see it is like this, you can make mistakes, but don't ever admit you are fat, lazy rat too. One is to be human, the other a slug. And people just don't seem to admire slugs, no matter how loveable you might think you are.

In any event, that is why in my Limburger guide to surviving political suicide and stupidity I always avoid responding to some press grilling over my blunders by admitting I was taking a nap. It might be the truth, but I just don't admit it.

Somehow, avoiding that honesty just makes things so much easier. It doesn't lead to any embarrassing questions that I might not care to answer. And anytime I can do that I feel a sense of victory.

I realize that my idea of victory is perhaps a tad skewed as opposed to what some might consider winning. But for a lazy lying slug like myself being able to avoid getting exposed for my real nature goes in the column as a win.

I know that would hardly be what some call impressive, but trust me, when it comes to the way my image is projected by the press you can be sure that it will look great. That isn't because I have any great publicists. It is because I have a buddy who is a newspaper reporter.

Isn't it wonderful in the land of the free and home of the brave how a little bribery goes so far to make sure the truth is whatever you want it to be? That to me is taking opportunity to its ultimate level of reality.

Some might call that deception. I call it editing for the sake of procuring a more uplifting profile.

Well, okay, it's nothing more than baloney in a different package, but I try to make it smell nice. As for the taste, you know with a lot of the right kind of lies for preservatives then it will even taste alright.

At least it will be long enough for me to be gone and off to look for my next victim before the person that swallowed my entry of crap finds out it was spoiled. Yeah, those are moments you just can't buy.

So in the meantime, the joy continues. I manage to be sure I get my nap time and that gives me plenty of time to invent great lies to explain the blunders that happen because I wasn't paying attention.

What can I say? It is a living. Maybe with a tad too much guilt, but then that is part of why I need so many naps.