LITTLE WHITE LIES

One thing I know is that these are never little or white in terms of good. They are just plain lies that we like to use to lie about lying.

From the standpoint of someone like me for example I love the term because is sounds so much better than calling it a big fat lie. The word little being emphasized so we can feel better about being a liar, if that is really possible.

This is from my view sort of like trying to differentiate between the person who is a pick pocket from the one who uses a gun to rob people. That fact that you didn't hurt anyone in terms of violence somehow is suppose to make it less of a crime. It seems to be the reasoning.

I think I prefer to make an issue of this mainly because lying is such an important aspect of my daily life. Only I'm not prone to divide my lies between little white ones and really big fat ones.

Nope, I'm not going to go there. That would be silly from my point of view. I mean I do prefer a small degree of honesty in the midst of my lack of truth. I know that might sound rather dubious, but hey, even a scoundrel like me does have his standards.

Which is the whole point of my writing. These darn little white lie people are ruining it for the rest of us devoted big fat liars. They mess up everything.

If people figure out that you are lying about the little stuff they never are willing to believe you are telling the truth on the bigger crap. Like they say, there goes the neighborhood.

I want all the little white lie people to get their act together. They should either cross over and become a worthless scum of a compulsive liar like the rest of us or start telling the truth all the time.

This nonsense of being so darn wishy-washing just isn't cutting it. And I sure hope that somehow I can make them listen to reason for a change. Honestly, this is so disgusting.

Of course I really do get upset by the fact of knowing just how tough it will be improve on this problem in life. There are just way too many people out there in the little white lie category.

I mean it could take years just getting passed all those reporters and other groups who peddle gossip as a hobby. Jeez that could take forever if we don't act fast.

And don't get me started on the government. Those people have had so darn long at perfecting the little white lies I doubt we could consider their behavior to be other than an addiction.

But I'm willing to keep working at this till I see some success. I want total and complete baloney or the pure truth, nothing in between. Now all I have to do is get anyone else to agree.

SWEAT AND PULSE

I think these two items are related in certain ways. Because it is obvious if you sweat then you have a pulse. At least I think that is a fair assumption.

However, that isn't necessarily true when you have a pulse. Meaning you can have a pulse and not sweat. Thus, the absence of any sign that you are sweating doesn't leave one with any assurance that the person has a pulse. You can have one or not have one. Which means you have to rely upon other methods to determine if a pulse resides in some individual's body.

I appreciate how this might seem rather trivial. You would generally be able to tell with a person by their eyes and facial expressions if they are alive or dead. Only to be honest that isn't always true.

To me there are varying levels of having a pulse. The heart might be beating, but if the blood isn't reaching the brain, the person might be something other than possessing a capacity for life.

I'm sad to say that this is a big problem where I live. There are just way too many walking zombies in my city. No, I don't live in some ghoulish town where we also have vampires and other scary creatures.

On the contrary I live in a rather dull and ordinary city. Which is why we have a problem on this level. Although nobody makes the connection, the plain fact is the climate of dull and boring inspires a certain proclivity towards being generally brain dead.

Not to the point that the person can't function. They do manage to get by for the most part. But without the benefit of a personality or any other signs of real life.

And the sweat test is definitely a waste of time with such people. After all with or without the perspiration the issue of pulse is certainly in question with these folks.

Most of the time this doesn't cause major problems. However, that is providing you don't have high expectations for wanting to enjoy life beyond any level that is boring.

Fun has to be limited to such activities as eating, sleeping and watching television. Any other forms of effort will simply be too taxing to the brains of such people.

I cope by making sure I spend as little time as possible in the company of such people. That way I can find some possible source to keep my own pulse going with or without sweating.

I just don't bother to waste time telling the brain dead about their fate. It is much more merciful in their case just to let them going on thinking they have a real life.

I find that easier than trying to point out what might depress them. And in the meantime, lie a lot when telling them how I spend my time having fun they wouldn't enjoy anyway.

BROIL AND TOIL

Is there anything worse that having to work outdoors in the middle of summer? I mean sweating is bad enough, but do you have to actually get tired too? I appreciate how there are some crazy people who would probably not mind this practice, but I am not among them myself.

I did give thought to working on coming up with a temperature control suit like an astronaut might wear that you could use during the summer. Oh I would invest in making it even more special by adding features such as special devices that you could add, which would do give your arms and legs added power from hydraulics and what not. That way you could have the strength of ten and never break a sweat in anyway.

The way I look at it this outfit would be of extra blessing to the countless couch potatoes who are told to get some exercise and don't want to lie about spending all their time sitting on their butts. So they could get exercise on a technical level. Maybe not in terms of actually the type that you feel in your muscles, but exercise just the same.

Shoot for a few extra bucks I'm sure we could wire it with stereo surround-round system and maybe DVD player. Perhaps an added plus would be to include a internet/computer hook up and cell phone. Oh yeah this really seems like it has possibilities to me.

But then you are also talking about a guy who nearly went bust trying to push a rent a sweater type of deal. How was I suppose to know that instead of attracting tons of people wanting to pay somebody to go to the gym for them I got lots of people looking to rent something warm to wear. Jeez, talk about getting some really strange phone called when you are thinking they need a dude who is young and healthy and they are talking about needing something warm, pink and fuzzy.

So I had to abandoned that option. I haven't completely given up on it though. I may amend it to say rent-a-sweat-soaked, muscle bounded clown. I think it has a nice flow to it.

I don't know, it is so darn tough at times to keep up my wonderfully creative ideas when they just don't get the appreciate I think they deserved. That doesn't keep me from thinking though.

And even if the world isn't ready for my idea of exercise or the other alternatives I've been coming up with, perhaps in time I'll find that perfect option that will truly get a big following. The good part is naturally knowing I can keep trying no matter how many times my ideas fall a little short of being popular.

I'm not really discouraged of course. I think it is only a matter of time before the numbers are in my favor. After all there are far more of us lazy overweight types running around than the fit ones. Gee maybe I need to concentrate on the other side. Finding ways of inspiring the fit people to be more lazy. I wonder if you bribe a guy who works out with chocolate?

NEVER THE SAME

I think there are some defining moments in life that one you've experienced them you are never quite the same. Which is probably a good thing since who wants to deal with a CEO of some huge corporation that still acted like he was ten years old.

And I'm not even sure I mind the aging process so much. It is the fact that as you get older you get sicker and then you die. If you just got older and stayed healthy, no problem. But it doesn't work that way, darn it.

So basically having life changing events can be very helpful. That is providing they lead to healthy choices and not disasters.

When you have a trauma type of experience it is never something anyone celebrates unless you come through it and good follows. Then you can see the merit.

I guess the one question a person might ask through this whole process is what am I rambling about the obvious? I suppose the best reason is because I think it points to the futility of presuming you can always keep life at a certain level of probability.

We should know that is true, but sometimes I do wonder. You see so often talking in terms of the future or that nebulous someday when they are going to change their life in a way that it is never the same. I'm talking about something such as winning the lottery.

Alas, those kinds of never the same just are more dreams for most of us than reality. Instead, we kick back, soak up a few beers and then watch some stupid movie in hopes of forgetting whatever relevant aspect of our life sucks the most.

Now comes the fun part if I have ended up in depressing you? Try for a change to look back on your life and imagine that how it is now is a reflection of the best of your life instead of something else.

Quick, no fair leaping out of a window at that idea. It really isn't as bad as you might imagine.

Then ask the tough question. Can you be cool as you are? If you can't answer that with a yes, then what can you do to tweak it a little?

I'm not talking of major change, just enough to feel like you have improve. Get a hair, but a new set of clothes. Anything that lets you smile again.

Okay, I know that is all silliness perhaps when you want fireworks and I'm offering water balloons at best, but I toss it out just the same. After all, what else have you got to do that is exciting anyway?

As for me, well I'm just doing what I can to languish in the simple comfort of my mansion and enjoying the company of all my young, single and sexy female servants. And if you believe any of that then you have perhaps started on your journey towards a good never the same.

SEEKING AND FINDING

The way I look at it there are all kinds of seeking. And most of the time that involves some kind of action on the part of the seeker. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

However, I think the big part of all of this lies in the finding part. If you spend all that time seeking, but never actually find anything it sort of makes the whole seeking thing rather pointless.

At least to me it would seem that way. Yet, I have known my share of people who gone on a quest of seeker that never ended in them finding anything.

It is sort of like the person who says they are going to out to find themselves. My reply, trying looking in a mirror bozo! Honestly, it is amazing how we love to complicate the simple.

Oh I know when somebody speaks of finding themselves they are generally referring to some metaphysical journey. Which is fine, but I do wonder just how often this type of journey is really necessary?

Plus I also question how many people taking it as a form of vacation or sightseeing tour rather than a learning experience? The priority naturally is whether you are actually serious about finding something or just going through the motions because it sounds good.

Not that most people are going to admit it even if that is the truth. It is just so much more satisfying to be on the hunt and tell everyone about it that to have found what you were looking for.

Which I think goes back to the simple focus of why you are looking in the first place. If it were say something like a gold mine, oh yeah a whole lot of people would be more than willing to listen to you talk in hopes they could suck you dry later.

But if you are looking for something vague or without any monetary value that translates into nap time. Unless you are able to make the vague and philosophical sound like pure gold, then you could probably get away with it.

None of that will persuade those who want to earn brownie points from impressing people by talking about some questing they plan on doing. I just hope they can manage to make it interesting.

The fun part is when you get the joy of prodding them for more information. If the person starts dancing around the information enough, sorry, but I know it is a con.

As for me, well I do try to keep my seeking simple. A simple desire brews in me to seek a good time.

I always find it too, providing I'm not looking in the same place as the people who are trying to find themselves.

PICKY, PICKY

Okay, when people get like this you are darn sure they consider themselves to be experts on whatever. Now I do know there are people who know a given subject better than I do, but the picky, picky individuals take it to an extreme from my view.

I think the main goal with this thing is they love to find something to criticize. It is an obsession with them. They can't see anything as good or perfect. Nor do they find a reason to compliment. Instead it is a manner of hey, pal that sucks.

Does anyone really thrive on that kind of feedback? I haven't known any from my experience.

And you can forget the concept of constructive criticism. It is more like destructive because you can't build a person up by tearing them down.

What I want to know is when did we reach a point where we had a lack of critics in the world? I wasn't aware we had reach that point.

Did some aliens come down to planet Yawn (that's Earth after the picky, picky people get done with it) and abducted all the regular critics? So it caused some sort of imbalance on the planet and as a result the picky, picky had to take over. Funny, that was an event I missed I guess.

But even if all the regular critics were abducted, I think I would have preferred to have an election to vote people into the office of picky, picky. We could have like a Grand Vizier of Nitpicking. Why we could even pay them in their weight in lemons since they do love being so sour anyway.

I think if we set this up as an election it sure would improve the problem. I mean shoot think about it. We could maybe discourage regular griping by making it illegal unless you were the Grand Vizier. Make the penalty something simple like the death penalty. Nothing serious naturally, just more of a scare tactic.

Or perhaps we would just end up sending the critic goon squad around to rip out the person's tongue and beat them to the pulp. That might do it.

Ah it is to dream. Well, I guess, despite the merit of my suggestion it would be a bit drastic for all those people who think that they have a right to find fault with everything and everyone.

As for me, shoot, I would vote for it. Heck, the truth is that there isn't much I won't vote for if the price is right.

Meanwhile, I guess outside of a momentary swell in some people's thinking we will be stuck with the picky picky people. Of course there are always those incidents where the person is walking across the street in a crosswalk and you happen to be driving towards them and your brakes accidentally fail.

DO OR DIET

I don't consider this to be the best choice in the world. And I'm not speaking of dieting in terms of calories in this case. What I'm looking at is the idea of something you either do or the consequences are going to seriously impact your lifestyle.

Working can be like that. No paycheck means no money, which unless you are rich means no fun or much else either. So like it or not, you do.

It seems to me that a lot of our society is based on this principle with certain restrictions. For example you can do the doing part and you will get a paycheck. But it doesn't mean the more doing will mean you will always get a bigger paycheck.

I consider that to be one of those yo-yo affects that is from my view intentional on the part of the system. The system thus being in my thinking the entire complex of things that function in our little hunk of the world.

You see, I think that is part of the problem. From my view, whether it is planned or not, every system is inter-related in some way.

And the reason is simple, because we have those with bucks behind the systems, controlling them to get the results they want. So they have little gauges and monitors on them to make sure they get the desired effect. Which translates for the average person into getting a chance to do, but being stuck with a diet in terms of possibilities in order to avoid the other kind of diet where you end up with nothing.

I think the whole process is wonderful for any of us that it works for. As a politician I have managed to do the kind of doing that works for me in a way where I have the least amount of doing for the type of diet I have to tolerate.

And I am greedy enough to not to want to dole out any changes in another person's diet in a way that would affect the kind of diet I end up having to tolerate. That is because I try to keep the whole thing realistic unlike some people.

Anyway, that is what works for me and I feel as long as I keep hanging in and playing the right kind of do part, I will be able to avoid the dreaded fear of the type of diet I don't want. So I feel the system functions just fine.

Naturally, I appreciate that it doesn't function that way for everyone else. Some yes, who like me have learned to function as the game requires, others no who manage reluctantly the do part, but still end up with the diet.

So in the midst of the lunacy we survive. I do it with a smile because once and a while I get to write a few of the rules. That is a part of the doing I really enjoy since it almost always results in a diet for somebody other than me. And there is nothing I enjoy better than not having to diet because I made somebody else get stuck with that choice. I call that having a system that truly functions, at least for me.

BETWEEN A ROCK AND HARD HEAD

For this posting a rock is that hard nose, no sense of humor stone face, cold and lifeless soul of a bureaucrat. Well, I guess that isn't the only place you can find such wonderfully exciting people. I merely mention it because of the times as Mayor that I have had to dal with such people in my employee.

Most of the time they are also inclined towards being very anal and protective of their little cesspool of power. So you can't reason with them in terms of cooperation unless you are prepared to also kiss their behind, which really doesn't work for me as their boss.

That is where the soft head comes in. For some reason they are just far too inclined to think they are in charge regardless of the fact they work for me.

This is a particular problem when you are talking about trying to get anything done that involves change. Boy is that a pain in the butt when dealing with people who except for having a pulse aren't really alive.

And depending upon when you have to deal with it if you are talking about a major change this can be about as difficult in the system as being constipated for say a week. It is really a big time pain.

Now when I come to some point where the excuse lies are flying as thick as bugs then I know I've reach that wasteland for progress. It is when I know all the dangers signs of being in the midst of some brain dead, self-consumed, me first fuss-budget who isn't going to be cooperative.

My first solution is seldom very helpful. Nor is it generally legal either. So I let that dream pass and move on to more rewarding options.

Namely to doing what I can to find a way around Mr. or Ms. Jerk. There are generally a number of options in that regard fortunately.

One is to bury the person with red tape. I just send them a whole host of memos asking for reports and other details that drives them nuts.

Reports are always such a cool way to satisfy my desire for revenge. Bureaucrats all fear reports as a rule, which is why they do such a piss poor job on them.

But they can't refuse to do them since they are after all necessary in the world of red tape. Then to add to the joy I start sending memos expecting them to give me a report on the report. Oh do the heads pound against the wall with that one.

Then once it is all said and done, when the person is generally in a coma from red tape insanity I can manage to slip some change pass them. It is a quiet victory that I can't tell them about, but you can be sure I tell others and that is enough joy sometimes. It has to be until the next joyful opportunity comes for more such joy.

APPLAUSE AND THE CLAUSE

This might also be known as reading the fine print. Which I think most of the time people avoid since the fine print is written in legalese. That is the lawyer language used to confess and make sure nobody understands what is being said.

For the average person this process is used in my opinion by salesman and others as a form of con job. They are required at times by law to be sure they tell you certain information about a sale. But that doesn't mean they have to say it or write it in words other than English. And since our language has plenty of the kinds of words that few understand, for the person drafting the contract it really gives them a wonderfully creative opportunity to say what they want without anyone understanding it.

For most writers naturally it is important to be understood. It is rather essential if you expect anyone to read what you write.

I think the exception might be those who write certain college text books or stereo instructions. They really do seem to excel at making their writing vague.

Now perhaps that is the best option you can imagine. A text book writer who moonlights writing sales contracts. Yeah that could work.

Having said all of that it is obvious that of course we also understand the biggest aspect of all of this. Namely how it is so very important to engage the proper use of the tongue in order to get the fine print accepted.

See the main goal of the person sitting and wanting you to sign the contract is to make you think you can trust them. So they keep talking and diverting your attention so you don't actually take time trying to actually read what you are signing.

Why if the person is truly gifted at it they can actually get you to feel like you did them a favor. Then you will want to applaud their loving nature, which in reality is that of a snake.

It is all a wonderful and joyful act that truly is fabulous from my view. But then being a person who loves to dole out the contracts, I love to use that favorite phrase, "trust me" even if you can't trust me at all.

I have even had the occasional person applaud my effort when my con job as been particularly skillful. Naturally, later that ends up being a joke. That is when they experience some consequence of my lies. Happy is not the word I can use to express how they feel at the time.

Which is one of the reasons I love the invention used to deal with such situations. It is called an answer machine. Only with angry messages the answer is one of silence. Ah, what goes unsaid can be so eloquent in its comment under such situations. Which is an art form in some cases from my point of view.

OH SAY CAN YOU NOT SEE

No disrespect intended for that famous line out of the Star Spangled Bar about asking oh say can you see, but the one thing I do know, there are times that question should not be asked. And to be honest, from what I have witnessed there are also plenty of occasions when people might be asked the question, but definitely make every effort not to.

It is sort of like, don't ask as long as you don't ask so you don't have to lie about ignoring something. To me this whole issue as more than one side.

There are the times when I just plain don't need to see something because it is just plain dumb and stupid. I don't need to see somebody imaginary green poodle for example. And I sure don't even want to know about it.

On the other hand, there are the equally depressing moments when I don't want to see because it is too depressing. I would much rather live in the ignorance of my nice comfortable home and be ignorant on the issue of things like poverty.

I know that might sound cruel, but is it any crueler than looking and doing nothing? I'm just avoiding unnecessary guilt since I'm basically a selfish jerk who is only going to worry about my problems anyway.

So in a way I figure by not looking at the real needs in my world I don't have to lie and create false hope that I will as a Mayor do anything about the problem. That way I don't do anything to in anyway make the person think help is on the way when it isn't.

Outside of the obvious fact that by taking that approach I'm able to preserve my lifestyle of being a lecherous lazy slug, there is the fact that I don't have to waste time worrying about the problem either. Which is for me a double doze of happy.

Meanwhile, I'm sure there are plenty of others who practice the oh say can you not see approach, but without bothering to admit it. Which is often made so much easier when you sit in some limo with tinted windows so you really can see the world around. Luxury, ah such a sweet word isn't it.

Unless you are a member of the poor. I do confess it is sad how life sucks way too much for poor people, some of which are fairly decent.

Not that I plan on doing anything about it you understand. I just thought it deserved to be mentioned in my posting.

That way I can at least lie and say I gave some attention to the suffering. It really does sound good even if you'll never see me actually do something to change reality.

Yep, life is strange and usual. All I do is pass on a few thought, honest, blunt and far too typical of the way life is lived in many cases. But then when you get passed the talk, it often still comes back to the oh say can you not see, to which the reply is "Yes, I can see, but I'm not stupid enough to actually look!"

DO OR LIE

I heard a saying about those who can do and those who can't teach. I think I would prefer to amend that to speak about how those who can't lie. Not saying teachers are liars. Only that just because you can't do something doesn't mean you don't want to make others believe you can.

Thus is the essence of what I have to content with. There are a lot of things I can not do. However as a Mayor, which is as good as an excuse as I can think of, there are just a great many things I know I have to create the illusion that I'm good at.

Still, I am also willing to admit that even if I didn't need to do so as Mayor there are some things that if I couldn't do them I would probably claim that I did. Why? Well, I guess the easy answer is because I can.

Okay I'm sure some might groan at such a comment. It might sound way too trite, but the plain fact is that it really does work for me.

I suppose I should have some valid reason. However the simple reality is that it just feels good. Which is for me as good an excuse as any.

And I guess the main reason I feel that way is because there are times like anyone when I truly want to believe in more. That is in terms of me being better than who I am.

There are just times when lying doesn't cut it. That simply doesn't work in terms of being enough as far as I'm concerned. What it does is get to me the most then I crave the need to be something other than what I am.

Gosh I guess I'm rambling a bit. The bottom line I suppose resides in my basic essence being like everyone else.

Only with the crinkle that I got to wear a mask. Well okay, I would probably put on that thing even if I didn't have to. I have gotten sort of used to it over the years.

But the important thing is that I am trying in my own futile way to expound on how there are those who can't do that still can do with their tongues. And speaking for all the tongue doers out there I just want to say, "Well done! I'm proud of you, bravo, you've done great."

My feeling is even lazy, lying scum need a little encouragement too at times. It only seems fair as far as I'm concerned.

After all you can get all the people out there you want to pay tribute to the good people. But shoot they may even fan clubs.

So I want to root and cheer the non doers out there. The horde of those without talent who have a heart for doing, just not any ability. Maybe someday you too can do more than lie, but till then, make it a good lie.

JUST BLOW IT

Come on do it, do it! That is what I'm tempted to say at times when dealing with some people.

I'm not talking about everyone, just some people. The ones who are obsessed with claiming they never make mistakes. (Yawn.)

It is a sad, but true fact of life that you have to cope with some people who honesty can't accept they are human in terms of not being perfect. Did I miss something or is this really impossible? I think so.

Still, you can deal with some people without sensing they just will never admit they do anything wrong. If they can't find a way to excuse some blunder then they will be sure somebody else gets blamed for it. (Again I say yawn.)

Now as a politician who must protect my image for the sake of getting reelected I'm use to blaming others for my mistakes. But I know I'm doing it. And I also know that in so doing it is just for a specific purpose.

However, I also know in terms of my own life that this is just for appearances. I haven't lost my grasp on reality enough to not know when I blow it. Even though I don't have any plans on admitting it to anyone else.

But in some cases, I have to admit when I deal with somebody who is utterly crippled by a distorted sense of personal identity. They do actually believe they never make mistakes.

You could have pictures, witnesses and even evidence and they would still say they did nothing. Which naturally makes the whole process of coping with such stupidity extra frustrating.

For such people and I have way too many working for me at city hall, there are times when I get so frustrated dealing with such insanity that I'm tempted to scream, "Just blow it." I just think if once they could sit down and accept they were mortal they might honestly be better off.

I do appreciate that is most likely a fantasy when it comes to such people. The only time they can be expected to see the light is when it shines other than on their mistakes.

Life is so rich in contrasts. What a pity they can't all cause smiles. For those that don't you can always still wish for the denial freaks to 'just do it.'

It might not help, but it sure feels better. At least for me. Sometimes I even write it down. But then in my haste I always have to worry I don't end up accidentally making sure the person I'm venting about reads the note. Still, give the nature of some people I'm sure they would assume I'm talking about somebody else.

OH JOY OF JOYS

This is the joy that surprises every yawn and tear. It is the sun of hope rising upon a dawn of new beginnings that gives life a new sense of purpose. And that makes life more cherished as well as exciting.

But having waxed a little poetically I do have to say that the main way to know these joy of joys moment is after it sucks big time. Ergo, you got to have a little grief to know a little bliss.

Now I'm not saying I like that arrangement. I honestly hate that whole idea of knowing the bad in order to know the good.

What I would prefer is to have someone I trust tell me about it and take their word for it. The big problem though is finding someone you believe that isn't a darn compulsive liar. Finding anyone who tells more truth than lies is a rare experience these days.

I ought to know since I'm about as devout a liar as you will find. I just prefer to lie about lying to keep things simple.

I find a certain balance in my life by knowing the truth, but picking fantasy in order to truly feel free. I am aware of that saying about how the truth shall make you free.

With the Limburger you are free when you know the truth by NOT applying it. That's when you are really free.

Alright I know that might sound strange, but I want you to really think about it. Truth in some cases truly does suck.

Like let's say you look in the mirror and the image you see staring back at you is some overweight slug of a human being with the sex appeal of a piece of lint. Now that is truth, but it sure isn't freeing is it?

So let's us say you dress up that image with a great suit or ever better take the full length photo of a body building to put in the mirror with your face. That is deception, but it sure is emotionally freeing.

Which is probably my whole point. You can indulge in the truth all you want, but I really doubt if it is lame it will make you honestly feel free.

That is why I like my approach. You don't like the truth, then lie about it. Make it whatever you want. That is talent my friend. The kind that can lead to the joy of joys unlike the silliness that some people call truth.

So which would rather have to make you feel free, a truth that is depressing or a lie that makes you feel good? I thought so. My feeling exactly. So go forth and enjoy and unless you are movie star, don't spend much time in front of the mirror.

SPRINGTIME IN THE ROCK OF KNEES

The concept of spring fever is one that has always fascinated me. I view this as an issue of people feeling a stirring to roam and be outdoors after the long winter months of being cooped up inside. That is a very natural thing as far as I'm concerned.

Providing you decide to do normal things when the weather warms. When I say normal, I mean normal in the sense of doing whatever you would otherwise do when it was warmer.

I'm not going to define it, just to say that for me that translates into doing things I would enjoy doing. We're talking in my case of things such as driving with the top down. I'm speaking of if you have a convertible and not something such as taking off your toupee.

So for me more than anything it is about a sensible and comfortable approach to the subject of enjoying the sun. Nothing bizarre or weird. Those I don't need to be outdoors to do.

What I have trouble understanding is people who decide to venture forth during the spring and do things that aren't normal. Such as somebody who is generally a couch potato and decides to take up jogging in hopes of having a figure like a movie star by summer time.

So you see them as they are shaped like an egg and dressed in some expensive jogging suit go waddling down the road. In reality you have to luck out to see them since they will most likely only be out there once and then for maybe a couple of blocks.

Now I ask you, is that really sanity. Not from my point of views. I mean really if you want to rock your world, be consistent about it. That is all I ask.

Getting crazy and suddenly taking up some extreme life style change that you will never stick with is hardly sanity to me. That just isn't not going to benefit you.

After all if you wear yourself out by the end of spring so you are too tired and achy to enjoy the summer where did you gain. Which is why I prefer to try and sneak up on spring.

By that I mean I start out small. I drive my car with the windows rolled down. Not very far you understand. Just enough to get the sensation of being outdoors.

Then I reward myself for this moderation by celebrating. But then I do it in a way that doesn't get extreme in terms of change.

I drive to my favorite watering hole and savor some well deserved libation. And in the cool of that dimly lit climate I quietly rejoice that I have exercised restraint.

I do confess that I would quietly rejoice even if I didn't. But saying it that way just sounds more impressive from my point of view. Cheers!

IN THE SWEET BUY AND BUY

Ah the joy of shopping. Yep, there is nothing more satisfying, more utterly driving to the bone with shear euphoria than that taste of buy me.

Well, that is for some of us. I have no doubt there are some people of restraint in the world who don't in to the impulse of buy now, buy later and hope you never have to pay it back.

That is the main down side to the whole buying process. Sooner or later you have to pay for all the crap you buy.

If somebody could figure a way to let you have access to a credit card that has no limit and no payments he or she would no doubt be remembered as a genius. Statues would be erected to this person who truly brought a shopper's utopia to the world.

Alas, it is to dream. I imagine the only place you find such things is in heaven. Although I've never heard any bible thumpers answer the question of whether there are malls in heaven. They always seem to focus on stuff like harps, haloes and wings.

But what if you get a wrinkle in that white robe? Do they have a dry cleaners outlet in heaven just in case.

See that is the problem to me with the concept of heaven. The bible thumpers never toss out any of the details about the kinds of things that might make going there so extra exciting and appealing.

Maybe they have a group of huge malls that never close. And you get to shop forever if you want and never pay for what you charged.

And imagine if you will, the glorious idea of a food court with the most incredible array of choices possible. But, BUT, adding to the joy is the fact that none of the food has any calories and you can eat all you want.

See, if they were to play up those options I'm sure people would be lining up to sign up for a chance just to get in on the action. Yeah, I know I would.

Now if you added to the deal by mentioning how in hell all they have is discount stores where you have to cough up a lung just to buy a piece of crap, that would help too. Yeah, I bet you could really make a good case with that detail to inspire more people to see the light. That's the neon one, which is located on Heaven's biggest mall that says 'We never close.'

I guess for now though I will just have to be the only one to toss out that idea. Why some of these bible thumpers don't come to me for a few pointers in terms of convincing people to join their point of view, I'll never know. As for myself, well I know if you were able to add the sweet buy and buy feature, I'd be there. I'm sure others would too.

FAIR ENOUGH

Fair to me is one of those words that has meaning depending on whether you feel you got treated the way you wanted. Absolute fairness from my view doesn't exist. So we each have our own yardstick in that regard. At least as far as I'm concerned.

With some people the big problem is no matter what you do they would never regard it as fair. The same people generally are never happy or even capable of being so. Regardless of what happens they will find something to complain about, which means for them fair will never occur.

Their idea of fair is essentially they get everything they want. But no matter how much you gave them it still wouldn't be everything. That is my point, with such people fair can never be achieved. The best you can expect from such individuals is that you will be able to do something that was good enough so they would complain. You sure couldn't expect them to say thank you or even make a passing uplifting comment.

So when you rule out such individuals it leaves you with the few who do have a reasonable concept of fair enough. For those few and rare persons they will actually be content with a reasonable level of fairness.

The problem is such people are rare rather than the rule. Which is why you hear so much about fair enough from people who don't feel they ever find it.

The other element to me is that this whole deal is related to the bigger problem of the fact that life itself is never fair enough. It might be equitable to some degree for some people, but fair never.

Now as a politician we have to deal with that reality. But that doesn't mean people want to hear about such reality.

So much of what ends up being politics from my point of view then is mainly about creating the illusion that fairness is possible. It is all crap, but it doesn't matter. Nobody wants to hear that.

Which is why I spend more time creating lies in speeches for the purpose of inspiring such and perpetuating such a myth. People love to hear everything is going to be alright.

They don't want to hear the ship is sinking due to incompetence and all the lifeboats have holes in them and there are no life preservers. Plus there are sharks in the water who are very hungry so even if you could tread water long enough for a ship that is six hundred miles away to reach us you still wouldn't survive.

Nope, what they want to hear is that the ship is fine. It is just being washed for maintenance reasons. And we might have to have people try their hand at swimming lessons till the washing is over. At the same time you can get a chance to enjoy our aqua petting zoo. Pretty clever huh? It works right up tell the sharks say ahhh.

PASS THE...

Okay the Limburger rule on this is pass all good things and don't pass the crap. I just wish there was a way to get all the people I know to agree with that philosophy.

In fact when it comes to passing, outside of the buck option, most people seem to love to mainly pass stress. Whatever is the thing that is the biggest pisser in their lives is the one thing they love to give to somebody else, thank you very much.

About the only thing that is good is dodging those stress bullets give me lots of practice at ducking. I have learned out to duck problems, excuse myself to avoid even being a target and generally figure the best way to keep from being wounded.

So I do appreciate how this whole process is helpful in terms of practice. Although I'm not sure I feel most of the time like I'm thrilled by the whole ordeal. Just grateful when I escape any kind of repercussions. Yep, that is the most important part from my point of view.

Meanwhile, as they say, life goes on. Perhaps no as pristine as I would like, but it does go on and on and on and on.

Which might be okay if that meant it always got better. However, there is a chore to all of that.

See the problem is if it didn't go on and on then it would mean you were dead. And I haven't reach a point where I think that is a good idea.

Still, if it going on and on and on means it sucks, then I'm not sure that is a good thing either. It is a dilemma admittedly.

But in any case getting back to this whole deal of passing things, just like life itself I have mixed feelings. Perhaps if I could train my employees to learn to pass both good and bad that would be the best option. Only I don't know that is possible.

Being enough of a realist allows me the joy of accepting this fact and looking for solutions. And the most practical option is naturally to be sure the crap gets passed to somebody else.

Yep, I eagerly take it from what hand and pass it on to some sucker. That makes me have an extra special joy just from knowing that will work for me.

It is a challenge passing on crap at times. You have to be able to lie well enough to be sure it does look and smell like crap. I do manage enough to sucker enough other people so I have managed up till now to pass that bad stuff on.

And hopefully it is a tradition I can maintain for years to come. That is my dream naturally. But we all know dreams don't always come true.

YOU'VE ASKED FOR IT

I think for me it is the comeback to the comment a person makes, which is always a complaint. Essentially it comes down to them wanting to gripe because what they asked for didn't end up with them getting what they expected.

To which my comeback is "so?" I'm real compassionate as you can tell. Actually it isn't that I'm not compassionate as much as I grow wearing of dealing with impulse people. They always say gimmie, gimmie, gimmie without thinking through was happens if they do get what they asked for.

Only they never want to say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." Instead it is "Hey I wanted it, but what I got was something different and that is your fault."

I wish I could feel more sorry for such people, but I just can't. Because normally I do my best to be sure that I explain to the upfront the reality of what they are asking. That doesn't mean they listen though. Most of the time they end up hearing only what they want to hear. Which always makes me yawn.

I honestly don't mind people even deciding to change their minds either. Only again what would be helpful is if they would do so without insisting everything was my fault in the process.

The sad thing if it had been my fault I would have probably been celebrating. It would have been another win for the rip off artist. I never feel any sadness over those types of victories.

Unfortunately that never ends up being the type of victory where the loser as in the other person has hoisted a white flag. Oh if that were only the case.

Nope, blame is definitely and issue here. People feel like you burst their bubble and crapped all over their dreamland. They do not thank you for such contributions.

Still, I do take comfort in the little ways that I can rejoice at seeing somebody look utterly shocked and crushed because they were thinking Nirvana was coming and instead got some minor version of hell. Ain't it a shame is how some might say it.

Me, it is just well, okay buddy, since you are unhappy anyway, you might as well bend over and get a real reason for being upset. But then being a politician I do avoid that option.

Instead I just end up looking sad for them. I'm not in reality, but I like to let them think I care.

Later, when I'm alone I get to snicker and remind myself that they truly did ask for it. They just made the mistake of not appreciate that my idea of it wasn't necessarily the same as theirs.

DO THIS AND...

Oh yeah the wonderful "trust me ploy." You just can never go wrong with those bargains where you say, if you do this, I'll do that. It almost always works with somebody you haven't lied to before.

Pity it doesn't work with people who have memories. But some darn people just never forget when you have managed to lie to them and rip them off. Darn it all, I wish they could appreciate how hard it is to constantly come up with new people to steal from all the time.

Even in Mediocrity we only have so many people we can fool. You can't get them all to buy into your baloney forever. Sooner or later the brain dead to get resurrected enough to ask, huh?

So all you can seek for is to rip a person off and then later, much, much later hopefully blindside them when they are distracted so you can do it again. Now those truly are special memories from my point of view.

At least to me they are. Which is why I never lose my need to hone my fertilizer spreading whenever possible.

But this being the age of technology I never stop at this level. I wouldn't let most people know, but I did avail myself of my computer to help track my baloney file. Basically to be sure I don't screw up by accident.

So I have carefully logged each lie related to being Mayor and who I told it too. Why I even have a little laptop I can take with me just in case I need a quick check of the data.

This little tool has been an invaluable aid in this do this and program. I have even in fact logged in the lies and promises told to me.

Of course that is mainly for revenge. I love to trap some other jerk in a big fat lie, especially another politician.

Then I can shout, liar, liar and point out what a jerk the person is. Afterwards, I get the joy of claiming to be shocked by such dishonesty and vow to never act the same way.

Which in reality comes down to me doing the same thing, but not doing it in a way that I could get caught. I just don't bother to define it that way. That is one of those little issues of simply not bothering to include a detail, which I see as a reasonable option.

Ah it is sweet to pretend. And even more so when you don't have to mention that to somebody.

I call it stopping to smell the roses. True, they are really weeds, but why do I need to toss in that little detail as long as I can get people to believe me instead of their senses.

NOW AND FOREVER (SORT OF)

I wish things that happen that you enjoy could be counted on to always happen. What we need is a fairy god mother or very generous, super being or alien visitor with lot of brains and charity to help us out.

What I would like is a check/wish list. Something where I could check off the things I want keep happening. I would mark things like prosperity, good health, long life and a whole bunch of other good things.

Well I said it was a wish list. Now you might wonder what good such a fantasy really serves? What can I say? It is something to do.

I like to do it myself because it gives me hope. I just figure if the day ever comes that we are suddenly invaded by a race of super intelligent beings that want to give us all our hearts desires, I'll be ready. At least I will feel I'm ahead of the game should that become a possibility.

Oh I know the odds of it happening aren't too great. But I can still hope and dream and that makes the difference for me.

It is enough in some ways to keep me going. I can just plot away and imagine how perfect life would be if this superior race of stunning gorgeous alien females showed up and just wanted to help.

Naturally, I would volunteer my services to work as a liaison no matter how many hours it took at some hotel behind closed doors in order to negotiate a perfect peace. And I will willingly submit myself as someone eager to serve in that capacity no many how many beautiful alien sex starved women, er, well aliens women I had to sleep with in order to accomplish bringing my fellow humans some permanent joy in life.

I just wish having that kind of passion to serve my fellow man was something that got me any plaudits or rewards. Instead, thanks to the intolerance of less that free minds who insists upon having morals and ethics I have to suppress my basic desires and needs in order to function.

I think that is unfair, but what can I do. People can be so puritan in terms of such things as expecting you to tell the truth and actually doing what you say.

But perhaps if the hordes of aliens who come in some day and take over have a different view of reality and morality then I can look forward to a different perspective of life. One that will grant me a chance to do some good and have a few laughs at the time. (Not to mention a chance to get lucky with some really cute alien.)

Until that glorious day does occur I guess I'll just have to tolerate those now and forever times that just exist in the head. They aren't so bad at times. Just wish they could be more than a smile on a sad day that you can tell anyone about.

THE LAST TIME

One thing you know with this comment is that you are talking about something you've done before and actually remember it. Which hopefully is because it is a good thing and not a bad one.

The last time for me is normally a good thing. Well that is the thing I choose to remember most of the time.

I don't know, but trying to remember the bad crap is just depressing. Mainly because most of the bad stuff has to do with blunders on my part and who needs to spend time beating themselves up. That is unless it is your idea of fun, which it isn't for me. I prefer to let others have that fun as for me, I just would rather concentrate and savoring the good moments.

There is another form or last time naturally. That is the one you recall when dealing with somebody. Those last times are mental sign posts. Some of them say "Warning, dirty rotten skunk of a liar ahead, detour, detour." Other times it says, "Sucker, sucker, come and take anything you want when you want it." There are others too of course. But time and space don't allow me to mention them all.

Still in the case of the last times when it involves another person you do have to remember both the good and the past. Providing the bad times don't involve when you looked like an idiot. Those are a marginal call too me.

I know it sounds complicated, but it really isn't. The important thing is basically self defense. If that takes a bit of denial's paint, then paint away.

Now I say all of that because life has way too many repeat experiences. You can't avoid them. It is just a matter of how you decide to cope.

See the one thing I know is that if you allow yourself to dwell on the details of a blunder it will more than likely end up affect your thinking. It can erode your confidence and affect the future.

That is why I find it helpful for the sake of the future and current to be sure you don't let those last times with a downturn of joy control your day or thought. It just never comes to a great end.

Whereas in the process if you set aside those blundering moments and simply concentrate on what do I do now you can hopefully be happy that this time around you can end with a smile. That will result in the next time you can look back on the last time with joy instead of saying "oh god, not again."

So call it a game. Call it silliness. But whatever you call it, just remember if you don't follow it then you can expect me to be the one sipping on the coffee shop with a smile while you are sitting there depressed because you told the truth and I didn't.

IF IT IS NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER

I love planning things. I think I would even love it more if my plans worked out more because of what I did instead of pure, dumb luck.

But you know, I have a feeling that happens to a lot of people. Not that they will admit it of course. That would never do.

And you absolutely can't do it if you are in politics. People simply would not warm up to somebody as an elected official saying, well I did my best, but I blew it and things worked out despite my bungling efforts.

As I sit and plot and plan the one thing I have come to appreciate is that regardless of how organized you are and how well you plan things, something always occurs to mess things up. Some call that Murphy's Law.

Personally, I have a feeling that in reality Murphy was probably an angel of some kind and he was just tossing out the facts that he knew was heaven's attitude towards our efforts to play god. And isn't that in reality what planning is all about anyway?

Not trying to get all spiritual or anything, but let's face it, planning is a form of control. It is our way of saying, I can do what I want and when I want because I am in charge.

Only problem is that things never work out quite as planned. Some little thing will go wrong and will totally throw off the whole planning deal.

Fortunately for me as long as I have somebody to blame I'm happy. That way I don't have to admit it was my fault and that helps keep the guilt from being too much of a problem.

What I really like is when the person I pick out to take the fall tries to deny being at fault. The moment they do that it is practically and admission of guilt in the eyes of the public.

It is one of those fickle things about people. If you confess being at fault for something people figure you are telling the truth. But if you say your are not guilty they have a tendency to feel you are lying.

So even if you are innocent you will most likely be viewed as guilty regardless. That is unless you have some killer reputation for honesty and I don't know anyone like that as a rule.

Which is why when I find the right fall guy I love it because they will naturally keep claiming they are innocent. I know they are innocent, but I'm hardly going to agree. It just works so much better to see them keep denying their guilt and the whole time people are nodding and saying "yeah right, you guilty swine!"

Ah the memories that brings back. In fact I need to rush off because I have somebody to frame right now. Gosh I wish that project I planned for turning that nursing home into a parking lot and worked out. Oh well, the building inspector I framed to take the fall is a jerk anyway.

LITTLE PROBLEMS

I imagine everyone has a list of these. I'm talking about the things that piss you off. And about the only good thing I can say on that subject is today's misery is probably different that yesterdays. So at least you get some variety hopefully.

Admittedly that doesn't mean you feel good about this crisis, just that it is the current crisis. Wouldn't it be great if you could reach a point where you never had any problems?

I could see it now, life plodding along in complete and perfect harmony, no cares, no worries just constant peace and happiness. Why we could even have special meetings to just sit around and celebrate how happy life is for everyone.

And the only time anyone died would be from an overdose of pure happiness. So nobody would be unhappy about it knowing the person probably died from giggling to death. Ah, we would all sit around and feel good about that I'm sure.

Of course I do confess that for many people such a radical change in life might be impossible to truly embrace. After all, even though we hate those times of trial, could we really enjoy life if they never happened?

I just think we would end up getting so worried about the possibility of disasters that we would never relax enough to actually enjoy all the serenity forced upon us. I'm just saying that from what I have seen of human nature.

So in that regard I guess it is a good thing we do have some grief. It does allow us to enjoy knowing when life is better. I would hate to think of reaching a point where happy got dull.

That would really be a bad thing if we were so happy all the time we just yawned with something good happened. Or maybe I'm the only one inclined to think in those terms.

And the one thing we all know is that there isn't any reason to presume life will ever reach that kind of level of existence. I don't imagine even if some aliens were to invade and do so for the best of reasons we could expect perfection or even close. Heck if they are smart and have managed that kind of society then they wouldn't want to come here and mess it up.

Plus on the practical side, let's be honest. If suddenly we were to achieve any type of utopia it would spell disaster to so many industries. Think about it. Who would need drugs, booze, soap operas and most of the crap we buy to help us forget life if it was perfect in any way.

Could we really handle life where all those people who work so hard giving us the different forms of self abuse were forced out of business? So if for no other reason than just to keep them employed I guess we will have to keep enduring all those pesky current despairs.

WORLD AFFAIRS

These days the whole world seems preoccupied with being pissed off. It just seems like such a terrible waste of time from my point of view. Which is why I just have my own version of world affairs.

The Limburger version of foreign policy is devoted to the process called diplomacy. That for me translates into one simple thing, finding as many cute and willing ladies of foreign citizenship and showing them a real good time. I strive to promote harmony and happiness on an international level by concentrating on the more personal approach.

And naturally I truly believe that my approach will aid the overall issue of world affairs. Since I do try to have as many affairs with ladies of a foreign persuasion as possible. That is the wonderful joy that fills my day, just thinking of how much good will I spread while engaged in some high level diplomatic effort in some motel.

It truly does satisfy my sense of patriotism to do my part to try and bring more understanding between people of different cultures and backgrounds. Later I truly savor the joy too of knowing that perhaps if my efforts at world affairs was particularly successful that I might have even send a lady home with a chance to add to the population of her country in about nine months. I do enjoy the idea of it being nine months so I have plenty of time to be sure she is unable to locate me if needed.

I just feel that such efforts should be handled without drawing attention to oneself. So I often don't even use my real name when involved in such world affairs. Er, I guess I have that same approach even when dealing with a local lady too. I think it is very important to maintain a consistent approach to such practices. (Plus in cuts down on misunderstandings later when some lady tries to reach me about a promise I have to lie and say I never said.)

In any case I do feel a special sense of joy over having done my share to spread the joy of diplomacy in such a creative way. I suppose that if I was less inclined to being so modest and humble I would be able to give into the pressure to seek attention for my efforts.

But that is just not my style. I'm very comfortable just living out my meager, graft riddled life in the quiet obscure manner to which I am accustom. It truly does satisfy me to know that my little collection of bank books from those Swiss bank accounts won't be flashed in way to draw attention to myself.

Yes, I feel so strong about the need of pursuing world affairs that I love to take at least six or seven trips a year to some place foreign such as Canada or Mexico or even the Caribbean in order to practice this behavior. And I am happy to report so far that none of the ladies I have dealt with in terms of those affairs have been able to contact me later.

Now that is what I really call first class World Affairs. Perhaps someday they will even be able to branch out and find more foreign soil where I can add to my list of place I have participated with as affairs.

THAT SPECIAL VIGIL

This is a situation where you start paying attention to things that you otherwise ignore. You know like when you have this young girl living next to you who is too young and scrawny to deserve a second look. Then a few years go by and all of sudden she's a goddess and you feel like an idiot for not even noticing sooner. Otherwise you could have perhaps impressed her and got on her good side so when the time came you could score — er, I guess I said enough on that subject.

I think the main point here is that I'm talking about noticing things you otherwise don't notice. And in addition discover something truly worth giving your full attention, even if it is for selfish reasons.

Now some might wish to claim that is a bad thing. But I'm not as convinced. After all what is selfishness really? It is a form of passion for one. In some cases it may even be the only form of honest emotion they'll ever know.

But was does society do? It says greed and selfishness are bad things. So for the person who has that as a starting place upon, which to built they never get a chance to discover what else might be possible since they are dumped on about their values.

Sadly one wonders who might graduate to more noble aspirations if that value was encouraged instead of curtailed. We will probably never know for sure. Which is the real tragedy.

How many souls have failed to mature because of being discourage from doing what comes naturally? You have to wonder. At least I do.

Alas we are the quintessence of images forced upon us by society. Under those mask of pretense truly resides something else and it isn't always bad.

Which is why I want to do what I can to encourage others to savor the moment. To find the thing you need to squint at to keep from not missing.

It can be a stepping stone to something far more worthwhile if you don't give into the lunacy of the moment. Yep, I would feel proud just to know it works that way. Yes, I would.

Too bad I can't always make others feel the same way. Instead I have to simply trudge along, whisper those suggestions to guide others towards the vigil that keeps them from being brain dead.

Do I get thanked for such efforts? Not very likely. I do get a lot of grief. Boy is that such a thankless reward for trying to help others.

But I keep up my own vigil in that regard. Just another stilled small voice of reason whisper, go for it, when you least expected. Guess that could be mistaken for temptation though. Well I'll let the person sort that part out.

TELL ME ONE MORE TIME

Ah the things that are worth repeating. You hear them once and they sound so utterly incredible you have to hear them a second time.

Sometimes the shock to the system when you think what you are hearing is absolute bull makes you think you heard it wrong. So you ask the person to tell you again because you can't believe they think you are stupid enough to believe such crap.

Of course none of that in any way do I apply to myself you understand. Nope, I expect people to believe everything I say, no matter how unbelievably stupid it is.

Yes I know that's being a hypocrite and my response to that criticism is so what? That's right I said so what?

Frankly I have no problem whatsoever applying the rules to others that I don't apply to myself. How do I justify such a double standard? It is easy. In my opinion it is my duty as a leader to see that people adhere to a certain code of conduct and behavior. However, that is my job. I do it because I have to.

That doesn't mean I always enjoy it. Although normally if I heap a little misery on others you can be darn sure I do get a thrill from it at times.

Meanwhile I do find it necessary to my own life to live my personal convictions, which says I have the right to be a rebel if I want. And you can be darn sure I feel the sadness over the times I have to live those convictions, yet have also learned to cope with any guilt associated with my hypocrisy.

I cope by simply doing my best not to think about it. Yep, denial is always such a great remedy for having to think too much about things.

And if that doesn't work as I would like then I simply make sure I spend a lot of lunches in some bar. Alcohol has so many wonderful uses when you have to tarry in the role of being guardian of the status quo while also trying to have some fun in the process.

Which of course brings me to the other aspect of this whole issue, namely how telling me one more time also applies to stuff you actually want to hear of a good nature. I love being told how great I am.

Now if I could only figure out a way to get somebody I know to tell me that and not some girl I pay on those 900 numbers to do it. It just would seem that it would man more if I heard if from a friend or even a family member.

But then I guess that doesn't happen considering how well they really know me. I sure wish that didn't get people to know the truth. Having things repeated is so much more satisfying when they only believe the crap you peddle and not the facts. Those I seldom want to hear more than once.

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY

Yep, this happens to most people to some degree. Personally I find it to be a case of feeling special. Being busy means you're important because you have lots to do. It means you are popular because a lot of people want to talk to you.

It can also mean you suck at whatever and are totally incompetent so it takes you twice as long to do anything. And the fun part is that no matter if you are busy for good reasons or stupid ones as long as you explain it right that is all that counts.

That for me is the prevailing priority with most situations. Image is everything. And I don't say that just as a politician either.

I think image matters to most people. It is tied to approval and as long as we care what others think it matters.

What cracks me up are those who claim they don't care about what others think. Yeah right, like I'm going to believe that lie! Which is all it is. Only people love to lie about lying.

The bottom line though resides with the simple fact that people are other that willing to admit other than what they want to believe. You may quote me if you wish since it is the reality.

And it is knowing that it is reality that helps to keep me sane. Mainly because when I play the image game I do it without the need to pretend I'm not playing it.

Okay, having rambled enough on this element of busy, let me also pass on some observations regarding how to tell if a person is busy, busy or busy do to complete incompetence. These might be a helpful observation to those who need to know if the lamebrain they are dealing with is swamped or an idiot.

I am not a neat freak myself, but I will be honest that busy, busy people do seem to keep their crap in an orderly manner. That is because they have so much of it.

Whereas the slobs who are incompetent are inclined to have tall mounds of pure messiness. They are disgusting towers of procrastination. Unbelievably chaotic expressions of their lack of organizational skills.

It might not be a kind observation, but it is the truth. The painfully blunt truth that demands attention if you have to deal with some clown.

Bottom line is if you gave this moron a form or other document and he can't find it, that should set off the alarms in your head that you should avoid dealing with the person if possible. And I don't care if the person can melt you with their smile of sincerity. It doesn't mean squat in terms of what they are going to do. Other than end up busy, busy and never get anything done!

FOR THE MOMENT

Band-aids are a wonderful invention. You can put them on a bleeding wound and get on with your life. You assume they will stop the bleeding and that is enough.

Providing you are realistic about the size of a wound naturally. If you say have a gun shot wound or one the size of a bowling ball a band-aid won't work.

But that doesn't mean you don't have the desire to hope a band-aid will work. To me this is just another aspect of the glorious process called denial.

I see it all the time as a politician. There are social wounds and those to our basic governmental systems that are bleeding profusely from red tape and waste. They cost a fortune because of these wounds.

And the easiest solution is to put on a verbal band-aid. If we can do it with a press conference it is even better. That truly makes us feel better and helps us forget the bleeding that isn't stopping.

Later when the system dies from such bleeding, we toss the carcass on some ash heap of neglect and then find a new victim to takes its place. Promising, of course to do better this time, but we never do.

In this age of looming disasters such as the oil crisis I guess I am comforted that we haven't given in to the temptation to avoid the use of band-aids. Lord knows it would be a nice alternative to find actual solutions to problems, but I doubt that will ever happen. Not as long as man has a mind that is so fond of denial's band-aids.

Some keep claiming we will change. I'm not sure that is realistic. I for one don't see it happening. Not any time soon.

So we live for the moment and hope to god it isn't going to be followed by a disaster. If we can manage a party, so be it. If we can't then life goes on.

In either case, for the moment will always stab us in the gut with a need to do something when a wound occurs. And if we can in any way resort to a band-aid all the better!

This system naturally makes life perfect for us that are politicians. We do savor the wonderful way it prolongs our capacity to talk without doing a thing to improve life.

Which is the way I prefer it. Sad as it might appear to people who care, I honestly know the world is far more overpopulated by those who don't.

We rejoice in the essence of life that comes for the moment and do our best to not let the times that intrude with wounds keep us from being happy.

Here's hoping you find the joy too. And if by chance you don't, then at least you can lie about it!

NOW AND AGAIN

Okay, basically I'm thinking of some crisis that occurs NOW and then when you stop between gasps of panic you remember AGAIN! Yep, I'm talking about a rear ending you swore to yourself would only happen once and it takes place all over again. That makes it suck even worse.

Oh there is the compulsory moment of reflection where you get out your mental boxing gloves and beat yourself up. Then while you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself you make the NOW vow one more time. Never again.

That generally makes you happy and guilt free right up to the point stupidity strikes again and you are left feeling like a moron for a second or third time or even more times than that. All I can say is, when it is all over, I just am happy to forget it. I don't dwell on it and do my best to hope and pray, well hope at least, that I can manage to luck out and avoid the case of stupids one more time.

It never works permanently, but let me tell you it sure feels great at the time. Naturally all of this takes place without ever once me having to confess the truth to another living soul.

Perhaps that is the more important part. Being stupid and admitting it are not the same thing. They are only nearly the same thing if you really are stupid on more than one level.

So I at least take a small degree of pride in the fact that I manage to lie sufficiently to avoid in any way letting others know the truth. I have heard it said the truth shall set you free. But let me tell you being free and looking like a jerk hardly make the price tag for the truth worthwhile in some cases.

Thus I rejoice the subtle capacity to pretend whenever necessary. It just thrills me when I can avoid looking as dumb as I managed to be through my choices.

This is not what I advocate to others. When I speak on the subject of tolerance and understanding it never comes down to something that applies to me. That just will never do.

And as long as I'm able to play the game with a modicum of joy and happiness, not to mention a lack of embarrassment, then I'm happy. As for others, well I do savor the chance to put their stupidity on display.

Meanwhile life does go on. For that I am partially grateful. Not totally when the times occur that I have to go through another case of NOW and AGAIN.

Which I can only feel a small sense of satisfaction if it translates into the simple knowledge that most likely tomorrow somebody else will go through the same thing. There is no cure for feeling miserable as the capacity to laugh at somebody else's stupidity.

BORN TO

It is my own conviction that every life was created for a purpose. Before anyone thinks I'm flowing towards some spiritual posting, let me qualify my idea of that purpose.

Essentially, I feel that life is divided into abusers and the abused. That for whatever reason some people were born to rip off their fellow man while others were meant to be victims.

That might not agree with what some people think, but I think life sort of bears out that reality. The difference for me is that with most people they just aren't prepared to accept it is their lot in life to be a source of food for others.

I can hear the proponents of equality griping as I'm writing. And I wish to point out how life is anything, but fair for most people.

So given the fact that the very nature of life dictates that it is other than equitable then isn't only logical that some would be hunters and others prey? I say that from my view as a statement of fact.

And for my part I am grateful that my role in life, the one I was born to does include being part of the scavengers. That is different from the true predators. Those are the big, bad dudes who come along, rip your arms off and beat you unconscious before they eat the rest of your remains.

I view it to be my role to essentially add some balance to the whole process. Somebody has to go in after the predators leave a mess and clean it up.

Which is what I do as a politician. You figure that most people get pretty well gutted by their bosses, credit card companies and anything they have to pay for in terms of service.

However, they normally don't die from such attacks. Wounded yes, but not dead. That is where I come in.

Between laws, taxes and whatever else ways I can come up with, I manage to be sure that the sheep are completely fleeced. I don't always enjoy it, but I just feel it is my duty that I was born to fulfill for the sake of others.

Ah, it does give me a sense of joy too when I am able to serve my fellow man. A little basil, some ketchup or barbecue sauce and a dinner fit for a scavenger to be sure.

About the only thing I have to do is watch out for the real predators. You know like the big time politicians and corporate monsters.

I mainly deal with them by wounding some poor working slob. Then they smell the blood and rush off for the kill.

As for me, well I just head off to the bar. In the darkness the booze helps me pretend I don't hear the screams of the victims.