FULLY FUNCTIONAL

I think this is one term that should never be used with regards to people. I've known a lot of people in my day that could be called functional, but I would not call them fully functional.

That would require all the wheels and gears in their brains and bodies to be working properly and personally I haven't seen where that takes place. I don't even exclude myself from that reality.

It is fun to pretend though. And we almost expect this to be true of our leaders. Only in reality it isn't, so they have to lie. Because nobody wants to cope with the truth that they are hopelessly lacking in spare parts for their mentally fatigued brain.

Instead we do what we can to avoid the fact. It is all a silliness to be sure. But denial is just so much more fun than admitting to the truth.

Dreams are always far more entertaining than reality. So who can blame them. And I don't even mind the babbling heads who raise their voices of conscience to proof we can't go totally deaf to the facts forever.

I prefer to let them shout into the wind in hopes I won't be able to hear them. Or I just listen long enough to end up afterwards feeling I gave them adequate lip service.

Then I might even agree on principle while the whole time my mind is elsewhere savoring some erotic flashback. But I wouldn't tell them that.

So I just prefer to think in part that life is a little like being made of clay. You can mold it into any shape you want. Only if you aren't very good at molding or using your hands, you can take the mutated lump and claim it is a symbol for whatever.

We just seem to be so darn good and explaining those mutated lumps don't we? I know I do. And I have even gotten better with practice.

Meanwhile, the charade of fully functional is a game played where nobody is expected to guess what is really being said in the process. We dance, rejoice at our perfection no matter how imperfect and then feel so darn good that we can boast regarding how functional we are, even if it is a crock.

Yep, I love that game. I like feeling the power of an image I can never truly match with my actions. At least on paper I look fantastic.

And I always will as long as nobody dares to life the paper and look underneath and the doodle that is what my life is really like. Which is why I devote so much energy to talking about it. That way I don't give the person a chance to look underneath. Having said all of that, I think I'll go and do a little imbibing to make the fully functional illusion work a little while longer.

YES YOU CAN

This is a little different from the you can do it ploy. To achieve this option you have to do a little encouraging. I really struggle to even say the word since the idea of trying to make believe think they are able to do something carries the risk of them becoming confident.

That can definitely be a liability when you need to keep people oppressed in a subtle way so they will accept you treating them like slaves. I have to view it that way because if I grant them too much of a sense of independence they will start thinking for themselves. Which can lead them to the conclusion that I'm a lazy jerk. It is hard to avoid that opinion if you watch me long enough and that is something I do my best to never let any of my employees do.

So in terms of this yes you can item I do tread very carefully while walking a tightrope between conning the person enough to convince them they can do something and not going over the top so they think it is permanent. I will admit that I have blundered at times on this subject, but normally I am able to offset in one way or another. Including framing the person if necessary to totally burst their bubble of any sense of worth.

Obviously I can't tell my employees my game plan on this subject. So it is necessary to keep a set of proper responses in order to be sure I can pull out the right one to fit any occasion.

I have toyed with the idea of turning those into a self-help reference manual for greedy, backstabbing and lying bosses with no morals, but I just can't trust that if I do that I will end up with one of them using the manual against me. I just know the kind of scum who would buy that kind of book.

Thus even though I would love to make a few bucks off of the book, I wouldn't enjoy one of my employees getting a copy of the book and using it on me. Oh I know I could use a fake name as the writer. But I'm just paranoid enough to believe it wouldn't be safe to do so.

Therefore I have to content myself with the joy of head games and dangling enough praise out there like some carrot on a stick that keeps the employees acting like puppets. Ah, it does fill me with such great memories.

Up till now this approach has fit my needs very well. I'm always grateful that my employees are gullible enough to buy my baloney and don't appear to get wise to my lies.

If they do, then they keep it to themselves. Which is something I can definitely be grateful for. As they say ignorance is bliss.

In my case you can do it is bliss too when it ends in some employee working like a dog and without getting a raise. Those are the best of times. I think I'll avoid mentioning what are the worst of times.

YOU CAN DO IT

The emphasis in this saying is YOU. It for me means that I am expressing confidence in your abilities. Notice that I also didn't mean I can do it.

Most of the time it means in these kinds of situations that I'm talking about stuff I don't want to do. Only I don't want to tell the person that. So it becomes a first class con job.

Thus I sit down with some loser of an employee and do what I can to convince him or her that doing a boring job like filing or cleaning toilets is a good thing. Hey, there is no way I'm going to stick my face anywhere that somebody has put his or her butt!

However some employees suffer from having pride. They actually think just because they are a clerk or manager they shouldn't have to do a crappy job (I mean in a literal sense too.)

Which is where I have to work at it as a first class, this is the most important job in your life con job imaginable. And it does actually work when I manage it right as a Mayor.

Believe me I do hate myself at times for peddling such baloney just to get some poor slob to think he's a winner if he takes out the trash, but I manage to avoid the guilt by going to more lunches at bars. That way I don't have to see them as much.

Perhaps the hardest part is when I see them later. Normally by then the magic has worn off to some degree and they are predictably pissed that they were lied too.

I can see those daggers in their eyes that suggest they would love to cut my heart out if they had the chance. So my first priority is to avoid them till enough time has passed so they aren't quite as emotional.

Okay with some crappy tasks that could take years, but city hall is big enough and if I plan my trips down the hall right I generally can avoid the employees most of the time. It does get tricky at times though.

I mean some of the employees are a little more persistent at wanting to complain when they have been lied too. Jeez that is such a pain.

I really don't enjoy calling security when an outraged employee is wanting to pound on my door to express his disappointment. At least I have talked the guards into using stun guns these days instead of their nightsticks. I thought that was being considerate.

But some people just don't seem to appreciate my thoughtfulness. They just get so upset over being stunned or hauled away in cuffs.

Alas it is a challenge to be a true people person as my image demands when it means actually having to deal with people. I wish there was a way around that, but so far I haven't figured it out.

I'LL DO IT

Beware the vow that seems far too convincing or sincere. For buried beneath those tones are LIES! Yep, fact of life, a promise is not always a promise.

I should know because I have done it enough times in my life. Okay, I have an excuse. I'm a politician. It might not be much of an excuse, but it is the best I can give for making a career out of peddling dreams.

Now of course when I say I peddle dreams, I mean mine naturally. Oh I phrase it so it sounds like it is somebody else's dreams, but it is really mine.

Still, I do enjoy in part sharing the idea of hope. That is worth a lot to most people. Giving people hope can often counterbalance the fact that their life sucks. It can give them inspiration to keep trying even when common sense tells you to quit.

And let me tell you in a city like Mediocrity where we get the bland of the bland as our life and lives you need all the inspiration you can get. So that means for me, lying my ass off till I get the results I want or close enough.

That really is an important term in my city. Close enough generally wins over anything else in most cases.

Now you might ask if I enjoy it that way. Sometimes to be honest the answer is yes. I really do.

The main reason is because it makes life easier. I mean nobody complains if we aren't the best when we only manage to reach so-so.

That makes life easier for me that's for sure. I can actually boast when we reach slightly above average. Not many politicians can say that and expect it to be applauded.

Thus I'll do it takes on the predictable aspect in my city of being about trying good enough. Not your best. I'm not even sure we have a best. But it is better that not at all I suppose.

In any case man, we do our best to savor the moment and say whatever glorious promises we are suppose to make that allows us to dream whatever stupid dreams works for us. It is all pretty silly at times, but somehow we get by despite the stupidity.

Some might call this offensive. Some might say it is pointless. I call it inspired. And that is why I am Mayor here rather than somewhere that quality counts.

It might seem less than a good thing to others, but I survive. From election to election I survive and keep sitting in my chair to rule the city where I serve the public with as much blandness enthusiasm I can muster. Oh and of course with plenty of time for naps. But those I don't tell the public that since I always close the door when I have those meetings.

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING

Communication is a wonderful think when it actually takes place. But so often it falls short for a variety of reasons. Complicating the problem is the pain of dealing with a language where so many words have more than one meaning. Which naturally increases the chance for misunderstanding.

So we end up with the endless, "he said, but meant this" scenarios. And no matter how often that happens we still end up with the dependency people have on verbal communication.

That is opposed to writing things down. You would think given all the misunderstandings we would always rely more on written communication, but we don't.

The reason is simple, it is so much easier to talk instead of write. To have to write it down takes extra time and then if you are using a computer you have to type it and then print it out. Which is a big pain in the butt if you just want to make a simple comment.

I think the basic nature of life for most people is that we are lazy. Or I should say whenever possible we want to find the easiest way to do dull things. So perhaps in the end I should say it is more than a sign of intelligence that we look for short cuts.

Does that justify the failure to turn out thoughts into a solidified understanding with another person? Probably not. It does sound good though.

I suppose the main reason I have elected to even bring this whole subject up is because of the number of times in the course of a day I hear somebody complaining about communication. Why wasn't I told? That is a way to common question.

And now days we add the joy of things like emails. So that way we can try to put it in writing without printing it out or even having to talk to the other person face to face.

But that doesn't solve all the problems. Wish it did. We still end up with the silliness of language fog. Or somebody not understanding the email the way it was intended.

All and all it is a silly world. One in which we celebrate the craziness and tell ourselves that we will do better. Only we never really do.

Which is part of the illusion. It is the communication that we give to ourselves that fails. So we do savor that game of denial.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

There are times this can be a good thing. Such as if you say were observed saving a bus load of orphans who were in an accident. Then comes the pictures, hero accolades, etc..

On other occasions it isn't a good thing. Like if you happen to be a fish. Being caught is other than a blessing.

I imagine the most common use of the term would be in the way of caught in the act. As in someone found you doing something that you were supposed to be doing. This is definitely not a blessing.

As a politician the concept of caught is definitely an area of concern. And you can be sure that it almost never is a reason to smile.

I wish it was otherwise, but it isn't. So I live with that reality whenever I plan or plot my next move.

It does make life interesting at times I guess. For it adds a certain zest of ramifications to my thoughts.

And since the potential for disaster is so great, I just feel so thrilled to have the adrenaline rush from knowing each decision I make is more than a casual choice. Not everyone can claim that, but I can.

I do bring this up for it does have relevance to others. That is in terms I suppose of knowing the joy that comes from seeing how many ignore the reality. They don't bother to give as much credence to the risks of life as I like to call them.

Which naturally when they discount or fail to adjust for all the joys then I savor the fabulous joy of seeing them act extra shocked when they do get caught. I wish I could say I feel sorry for them, but normally I'm not. Instead I'm prone to wait till I am alone and jump up and down with joy. Yeah, it sucks, but it works for me.

Basically life trudges along in that regard. We just don't seem to savor the reality of how life carries the risk when we do things that are other than ordinary.

And so many people are amazing in their assumption they will never suffer any consequences to their actions. Ah it is such a joy. Because I really love seeing those times when somebody crosses over so to speak from the so-called life of decency to some other level. They never even appreciate when it happens normally.

So I sit back as they rationalize their behavior and fall farther into the abyss of indulgence. All the time thinking nothing bad will happen.

Then judgment day comes and brother are they hopelessly stunned. As for me, well I just enjoy the irony of it all when a supposed good person ends up being as depraved as I am.

NEVER ON A SUNDAY, UNLESS

There was a time in this country when Sunday meant business closed and pretty much life stopped in terms of anything you wanted to do, except go to church. It was I suppose a victory for the bible thumpers who made sure if we didn't do what they thought was fun we were out of luck.

But then times changed and somewhere along the way a large part of the world decided that wasn't their choice. So now days in many places you can do the same stuff you can the same stuff as any other day.

I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about whether this is a good thing. On the one hand, life does get easy when you have the freedom of knowing how Sunday is going to work like the rest of the week.

However, on the other hand it gets complicated too. I mean we end up with people presuming that since stores are open now on Sunday other services should be open too. I'm speaking of city services. Primarily I'm referring to my own situation in terms of being Mayor.

While I don't give out my phone number to people, being a Mayor isn't quite like being a governor. I don't have a legion of aids to prevent people from bothering me. And unfortunately since I do live in the city and way too many people now my address, I end up with having all kinds of people deciding to drop by and expecting me to be happy when they do it on Sunday.

Oh, I do find a way to hide on a lot of occasions. But the big problem is that I can only hide so much. People still manage to find me, the buggers.

Admittedly, I do accept that this is a price I have to pay in part because I personally do enjoy having things like the mall open on Sunday too. I can remember in our city when things closed on Sundays. Even in Mediocrity we did have a time when that happened.

And I coped as best I could. Which included way to many outings of a "wholesome" nature since it sort of was assumed you ought to do that at the same time as you didn't go shopping.

So we play the wholesome game. Yawn! Oh yeah, picnics were hardly my speed. And you can be sure with my wife's idea of using canned goods for the picnic didn't improve the appeal. Cooking has never been her specialty.

Now days we don't do the picnic thing any longer. Well not as a couple. Once and a while I do buy some take out and mosey over to some grass. But on Sundays I normally only do that if it means I can hide in the bushes from somebody.

Then I remember while hiding how the bars are now open and that really makes me extra happy. Enough to make the never on Sunday concept a reason to smile.

ALMOST CLEVER

There are things in which "close" really isn't quite as thrilling as with others. Almost clever to me is like that.

It is when something shows the person is creative, but not good enough to truly impress or prove they are good at the effort. That makes the process end up frankly being boring and that isn't necessarily a good thing.

What truly aggravates me is when the person thinks they are talented at something. When that issue of pride becomes involved you can be sure the person isn't going to admit they didn't do something that was shear genius no matter how much it sucked.

In my city of Mediocrity where people are by nature bland and dull (it isn't a law they be that way, just seems to be a natural quality) the concept of clever definitely suffers. And I as the Mayor have to endure participating in numerous activities where clever does not rule the day.

To be honest there are truly times when I want to scream out, you hopeless excuse of a brain dead, soul less, flatulent, miserable excuse of a lump of flesh, THAT was not entertaining. I don't of course since it wouldn't help and would most likely earn me less than brownie points with my constituency.

So I end up doing my best to smile and pray things will somehow improve in due season, but they never do. I like to pretend it is going to happen only it seldom changes.

Which translates into my being involved in such memorable moments as attending a meeting of concerned citizens who want to protest whatever and it doesn't even matter if the thing is stupid. Naturally the entertainment for such events is way less than clever to the point it can easily cause yawns.

One such event took place just last week. It was a formal meeting of a group know as the Daughters of Mediocrity. They are supposedly woman who can trace their heritage back to one of the original settling families of our city.

Whether they can prove such a claim doesn't seem very important. What is important to them is that they celebrate the spirit of Mediocrity. At least that is what they claim that is their goal.

And I have to confess that in part they do adhere to that spirit. For nothing is more incredibly boring than one of their affairs.

Their last event involved attempting to raise money for the homeless. A find and noble desire, except that they added later that they were trying to raise money for homeless beavers! I'm not even sure there are any in the woods outside of town.

However, the one thing they did beyond that problem was to decide to have as their entertainment a poetry reading. Perhaps that could have been interesting if the person doing the reading wasn't trying to show the graphic brutality of beaver abuse by taking a road kill and slam it against the podium. I'm just glad they only meet once a most.

LET IT NOT BE

I was thinking in part of that great Beatles song, "Let it be." Only in this case I was thinking more in terms of what we should let it not be.

Now what kinds of things am I referring to? Well such things as incompetence. I didn't say we can cure it, only that we should probably not let it be if we can avoid it.

Oh that is just one of several things on my list naturally. We have all kinds of items we could add I imagine beyond the ones that I'm thinking about.

But the point is we KNOW what shouldn't be and should be. However, we also appreciate that just knowing it doesn't mean it will actually happen. So we are trapped in that dreaded wasteland between knowledge and action. It is never pleasant, yet we do live there just the same at times.

How can we escape? That is a good question. And I do have a few suggestions that might help. Some are better than others I suppose.

The first one would be to exile all the stupid, incompetent people to live together and leave the rest of us alone. I said exile and not execute I hope you appreciate. After all I am a civilized tyrant and not a bloodthirsty type.

That might seem a bit absurd to talk about in this type of situation, but my goal here is to search for nice, safe ways of curing problems. Then if they don't work we can get ugly. But no pressure you understand.

Ah, I do love to dream though. It is so joyous to spend the time imagining ways of creating utopia. Getting rid of people who don't fit in is just one solution.

I think saying they don't fit in is better than some options. I'm just acknowledging that sacred desire we have to create a climate of harmony.

Okay, I realize that some people have aspired to create such a climate by permanently getting of everyone that disagreed with them. That isn't my goal. I just think we would be so much better off if we could perhaps bring a true sense of balance to our world.

True, I know I seem to be harping on this issue of removing some people from society, but if do concede that as having merit we should also look at the various systems that are in force also. Some of them could serve us better by being changed or eliminated.

Which to me brings us to the issue of taxes. Yeah, you heard me right, taxes. I think we need a more fun and unique was of dealing with this kind of revenue process.

Maybe we could have it as a lottery or auction program where you get to buy the person of your choice to do what you wanted. Um, I think that was tried once, but it got confused with bribery. Well perhaps another way will come up.

DANCING THROUGH THE MAZE

When the world sinks into confusion and nothing makes sense there is only one thing to do. Sink with it! Yep, forget trying to remain calm or make sense of it, just start dancing your way around the truth. It sure makes any possible headaches over figuring out solutions a lot easier to handle.

I know the name of this dance. It is called denial. My question is why is this a bad thing? Okay no smart remarks please.

What is it about reality that makes it so appeal? I mean does staring in the mirror and seeing that pudgy, balding lump instead of a young kid somehow translate into happiness? I think not.

I realize some will claim that the priority is facing the truth so you can change. That if you do change you will be better off that if you just keep living in denial.

My response is that I don't agree. I think the reality is life is going to suck no matter what we say or do. Perhaps not completely, but there is always going to be limits on what we can and can not improve.

So I say, knowing how life is limited to start with and generally never going to be perfect, then we might as well enjoy it whenever possible. Any dancing we can do that helps with that process is a good thing in my book.

Plus I have to be honest to the degree that I am able to be honest. The more voters I can get to live in denial the more will have fewer reasons to complain or expect improvement.

I would much rather run into a citizen of our city in some bar where they are feeling no pain that face them on the street. That just is an easy solution since they are happier and a lot more friendly and don't ask any questions that are embarrassing.

Perhaps you can call it doing my fellow citizens a favor then when I dole out leadership that gives them a reason to drink. I just help them be encouraged to do what comes naturally if you didn't get harassed by all the people out there trying to ruin your efforts at dancing through that maze.

Now if I am successful then there will be more happy drunks in my city that unhappy voters milling around the street looking for a reason to complain. I call that success.

Others might give it a different explanation. Which is okay as long as they reserve that opinion for themselves and not me.

Meanwhile I intended to pursue a course of making sure I sing my speeches well enough to allow all they faithful to waltz through the path on the glorious way to complete denial. It will be a wonderful joy and place to live if we all just remain calm and spend more time listening for music instead of the sound of facts.

YOU BET

The one thing you can be sure of is that this has nothing to do with gambling. You bet is a nice slang that has to do with agreeing with somebody.

Perhaps the goal is to say, "you bet" as in you can make a bet on it safely. But I'm not sure whether we all would trust to somebody's else's advice in that regard.

Advice is a funny thing. There are times when we really need it, but frankly there are other times when we just don't want it.

However, the one thing we do appreciate is that no matter what happens it will probably not involve betting. Gamblers normally like to enjoy blowing their own money without any help.

At least that has been my impression. Which is obviously what I intend to make as my priority.

By that I mean that it is my desire to be sure I prey upon people's basic sense of need to be in control no matter how much they screw up. That for me is a real blessing.

Because people are so vain and insecure they would prefer even if you point out their blunders to do it their way. And regardless of the flaws or risks as long as it was their choice they are happy. Just let them throw their money down a rat hole and they'll be happy. It is what they call freedom even if it is stupidity.

In any case, I'm happy to grant them the "you bet" choice when it means in so doing I get a shot at blindsided them with a con. There is nothing that will keep a person from shooting his mouth off than pride of not wanting the truth you totally reamed them from being able to be spared from losing some bet.

So life goes on with drools and cools for me and the woe is me, but I can't say so for the you bet people. They have the right to be wrong. And I'll help them enjoy being wrong as much as possible.

Which I think is fair. I don't choose the options for them folks. I just say ante up and you'll be happy when it comes out the way you want.

Only I won't say that if you ante up with my gaming table you will be wasting your money since I got it fixed. Hey, I never promised not to cheat you know.

Neither do I bother to mention it either! That is the other part of you bet that sort of counts from my point of view

You just never ever bother to explain the rules. That way they get to bet on you even playing fair. Which you can be sure won't end in you collecting a single winners bet or passing go if I'm running the game.

IN THE HEARTLAND

Ah this is the wonderful land. It is the place where people plant the desires of their heart. And believe me what grows there is a lot different than roses.

I know because when I've seen it what grows in peoples' hearts is a whole lot of other stuff than flowers. Weeds, thorns, thistles and generally all the garbage we like to claim smells great, but it doesn't.

In any event we do try to aspire to be good gardeners. Um, I suppose I should say that I do. That is as a politician. It is my ambition to be sure I always visit the heartland of people. Only problem is that this gets to be difficult at times when people don't always admit to where they heartland is located.

See the reality is there is the heartland that people love to claim is there permanent address. It sounds great, looks great with its fresh coat of whitewashed illusion, but in reality they don't actually live there.

Instead they left a mannequin with a tape recorder to guard the joint and make it seem like it was a good deal, but instead they prefer to spend time as that little bar with access only at some alley. That is a metaphor naturally. I'm not speaking of it literally, even if it sounds like it.

Anyway, I love to pretend right alone with the person that they place they visit and called their heartland is as perfect and credible as they claim. It does sound good, but doesn't actually apply.

Overall, I consider this to be a good thing, providing you can recognize the landscape and deal with it accordingly. There are no maps, not instructions one can follow, just a gut instinct and the sense of knowing if something looks good and stinks it isn't a reality.

The one nice thing though is how I can add to the joy by spreading my own level of fertilizer that allows me to savor the joy of letting that stink overpower the other stink. It really does make the whole process such a blessing to me.

Meanwhile, life plots along with a predictable sense of stupidity. I don't recommend one take the usual advice and stop to smell the roses since with this kind of heartland they will probably be fake.

Is that a bad thing? Not to me. I just savor the moment in my own way. Oh it does weave its way into each speech I give. I love paying tribute to people's heartland.

Not the real one, but the one they claim is their heartland. When you help in any way to promote their delusion they always love you for it.

And there is no way to feel any joy better than comes from gardening where it involves a heartland. At least to me it will always be a source of joy. Which is the best fertilizer imaginable.

SING A LITTLE DIDDY

Yep, that's what I like. When a person sings a little diddy of "he did it, he did it, he did it." I'm talking about the kind of singing where the person is pointing the finger at somebody else and not me.

It's a wonderful feeling to see somebody get ratted out and knowing it isn't me. I even love it more when it happens to somebody else and I was the one who should have gotten in trouble.

Then you get to say "hurray and whew" both at the same time and you don't even have to feel bad at all. You just end up with a wonderful sense of relief!

It is a pity that these situations can't be more planned. They just seem to come and go with no special regularity and that is the down side.

But that's okay, I can savor the times they do happen for they are so memorable. It just help to restore my sense of justice that life does balance out the way I prefer.

I didn't say that it was fair. Lord knows that isn't part of the equation in my book. I wish it was in some ways I suppose, but then that would mean that a conniving and plotting dude such as myself wouldn't get the breaks I don't deserve.

And that would destroy my faith in the American Dream. Er, perhaps I should say the Limburger version naturally, which is slightly different than the traditional view I imagine.

However, fortunately for me the Limburger version does seem to have merit in the eyes of some people since I have noticed it does thrive in many places regardless of our noble aspirations. Which isn't hard to figure out since money is the balm of greed not noble aspirations. You may quote me if you desire.

And I didn't say that was necessarily a good thing for he average Joe. Oh it is wonderful for me. I love it. I get to do what I want and not worry about a thing in terms of consequences.

Well most of the time you understand. Not all of it unfortunately for me. But that is okay, I can cope with such realities. At least as long as I get to do it at somebody else's expense.

And that friends is the gold that keeps me functioning. I shall prevail in all matters of suck em dry. It is my calling. Not sacred, just instinct.

Gosh I love America for granted me a chance to realize my dream while keeping others from doing the same. And the true beauty is getting to do it while claiming in elections that I'm a servant of the public. Ah, illusion pays the bills so much better than the truth regardless of what they tell you in school!

COME AND SAID IT

Oh the joy, oh the rapture when you race towards a cliff, fall off and land on your feet like you were a cat. And even if you don't land on your feet if you can say you did then that is the biggest blessing of all.

For the said it part always improves with revision whether it is true or not. Honesty in reporting is commendable, but fairy tales are always more entertaining than the truth.

That is the Limburger guide to sanity naturally, not the one endorsed by everyone else. In either case, I do subscribe to the wonderful concept that said it covers a host of embarrassing situations.

And if you can't look good then it just isn't fun. Dreams made into a fantasy than seems like reality is a work of art in my view.

Okay perhaps this sounds like a repeat of other recent postings, but to me there is a difference. What is it, well one form of coming has to do with race out of impulse that turned disaster. Others were related to different issues.

In this case I'm focusing mainly on being able to boast that you knew the race you were taking was dangerous in the first place. The others are to emphasis how you were prudent in your caution. See the difference? Probably not, but to me there will always be a difference.

So life muddles along as best as it can. Well for some at least. For others they stumble way too much and it ends up screwing up their brains.

However, they could change all of that by singing a different tune. One where they play up the risk was something they faced with courage instead of stupidity.

Hey, being stupid doesn't have to make you look foolish if you work it right. Then you can kick back and claim you did it your way.

It all comes down to the simple ability to see smiles in the darkness. Now that really takes class in some situations.

But if you work it right then you have a reason to feel you can justify your mistakes. Is there any sweeter sense that the pure relief of self-fabrication?

For myself, well I survive by conniving. I do what I can to keep from taking any route that requires me to risk my butt or somehow mess up my phony image.

And in reality I suppose I would feel that way even if I wasn't a politician. It would just work so naturally for me regardless of what path of life I followed. At least it sounds good at this point whether or not it is true.

So keep smiling and perhaps the dream will be a reality for you in terms of looking good. If not, well make it a tale that has a happy ending.

COME AND LET IT

In my continuing effort to address the joys of coming and all its vast possibilities I could hardly to it justice without getting to the let part. That is to venture into a given arena of interest or obsession and then let it happen. It being whatever you want to have happen from the coming part.

Is this an important thing? If you have to ask then perhaps you really haven't given it much thought. Which is understandable to a degree since I imagine most of the time we handle this kind of thing by instinct.

Honestly, don't we often react out of habit or nature instead of premeditation? We want something, we crave it and we come to a point of trying to achieve it. If that means we have to let something happen to us in the process. Then oh well.

Hopefully it is a good thing we are allowing. If not, then we have to pray the disaster is minimal.

In part it is a gamble. But risk doesn't have to strangle us. Not if we can minimize the consequences.

How do you accomplish that? It can be a challenge. Basically it is an issue of finding that right person to take the fall if things go wrong.

That is all that difficult. It is called having a partner. Only you just keep things vague in some ways to be sure the other person gets stuck with the tab.

I admit I might be a tad obscure in my posting for this conversation. However, I can't say too much either. Otherwise I might end up revealing some trade secrets in regards to protecting myself when rushing stupidly into a dangerous option.

You just got to find the right person to point the finger at if needed and shout "he did it, he did it," when the cavalry or savages arrive. And you would be surprised how easy that is if you sucker punch the person with the right kind of lie.

But of course this all requires a lack of conscience. Guilt can be such a pain in the butt to cope with at times.

So my advice it be sure you can numb those stabbing sensations. Whatever poison best works for you.

Ah, it is to dream. I love it when I can reflect on the glory days of come and let it when the letting is a good thing.

The big challenge is to compensation for the letting when it is not so good. I have to cope and that is made easy with a smile of knowing some other poor slob took the fall for the letting.

COME AND FRET IT

Wouldn't it be great if all our plans went the way we wanted? I think it would be wonderful if we had a way to control things like that, but we don't. I know I would vote for it.

As much as I enjoy the idea of dabbling in fantasy, I do know what reality is too. And there are times when it really does suck. But then life goes on as they say. I'm not sure why, but it does.

In the meantime the focus of this posting is mainly how rushing in some situations only leads to more worry rather than less. You know how it is, you rush to take care of a problem, expecting it to take care of the issues and then afterwards end up with waiting because the problem isn't done. Then you end up having to worry all the more. That really is the pits.

I love it when this isn't the nature of life. However, too often it is. And I hate that part. Why bother to even mention when life does match our dreams? Because griping too me makes it all better! Yep, it does in my mind.

Which perhaps is the most relevant part. It is simply a fundamental ingredient to life that we want perfection and want other than our dreams to be ruined. So when it doesn't happen it is crushing and that makes us very angry.

While some don't feel you have a right to complain, I feel that it is a necessary point of release. We need that means of expression to be sure we don't go completely crazy. That I think is a healthy alternative to doing something like taking a gun and venting your fretting in a negative way.

So go ahead and fret and gripe. Do what you have to do in order to make it happen in a way that gives you a reason to sigh with joy instead of anger. Yep, be a cry baby once and a while.

That might sound like funny advice and the one thing I didn't mention is that you might have trouble finding somebody to listen. It is the part you can't control.

However, that is okay. You can always figure a creative way to vent if you try. The important part is remembering to do it in a positive way.

Now the big problem with saying a positive way is that everyone's idea of positive is different. Heck, some people don't even have such a think. So the suggestion to them would be kind of pointless.

But if you can find a positive vent then you can fret to your heart's content without making it a depressing thing to others. Shoot if you get inventive enough you can even perhaps get people to feel sorry for you. Now that is the best form of art work there is! And I love that kind of art when I'm the artist.

COME AND REGRET IT

Yep, this is one thing I've had personal experience in life and would avoid whenever possible. It really is a nuisance to say the least when you respond out of need to a given situation and then later find out all you get for the effort is grief.

I can't say this is necessarily a good thing, but it does end up one of those joyous events that happens way to often too all of us, unfortunately. And the only truly good thing I can say about such situations is the relief that comes when you get a chance to dole out the pain to somebody else for a change.

It is just too bad that there is no balance in that regard. You don't get an equal number of times to ream out the other dude to equal the times you get the shaft. That is the part that truly makes this whole deal even more annoying.

However I have been working on the philosophy of how to improve the joy you can have in such situations. My conclusion? Well I think the best way to enhance such moments of gut wrenching annoyance is to lie. Not to yourself, but to others.

How does that help? For me I guess it is in the illusion you can inspire in others. You might have taken a real reaming on a given situation, but if you know how to spread it on thick enough you can rejoice that somebody will think you were the victor.

That might seem like a silly approach, but hey there is nothing that to me is more satisfying that making somebody think of you in a positive way even if the truth has no relationship to it. I know there are plenty of people that might think such a philosophy is absurd, but not to me.

See the reality is if you think about it, doesn't the approval of others matter to most people? From what I have observed people really do crave approval. We don't mind lying about it if it ends up letting us enjoy a good image.

So what if the truth sucks? So what if in reality you are a failure. As long as you can find one person to think otherwise, you can reduce the regret part from being hasty.

And that is a condition I currently find myself. I did my best in a given situation to make the right and smartest choices. Only well, I was a bit hasty in my process.

What can I say? When a beautiful young blonde girl knocks on my door to sell me magazine subscriptions and hints that a sale will affect her gratitude, I buy subscriptions.

Now I have to wait a few weeks to find out all the subscriptions I did end up ordering since I was distracted at the time by watching that part of her body that Mother Nature had so well endowed. But that's okay, I'm sure I can figure a way to dump the magazines off on somebody else. They think I'm a great guy for being so generous. And unless I admit the truth, I don't mind being thought of as generous. It is better than being thought of as a pervert even if I am one.

TIMES LIKE THESE

Wouldn't it be nice if this was for good times only? Yeah we could sit back and boast about how at times like these, I just feel almost divine. Sounds good.

But then you know you have to be careful about taking things to that level anyway since claiming to be almost divine carries with it the risk of being barbecued by a few thunderbolts. And those are times I don't care to share in.

Now maybe there are people who are able and do say times like these in a good way. I haven't personally encountered them, but I'm sure they probably exist. Just like I haven't personally ever been anywhere that people lived in a constant state of happiness. Such a place might exist also, I just have no idea where.

All I do know is that where I live this isn't a reality. It is hardly Oz, except perhaps for the strange characters. Which in a way is a good thing since it helps give the boredom some variety.

Regardless of that benefit the times like these definitely doesn't apply to a good term where I hang my hat. Actually, that is a place other than my house or Mayor's office. It is that wonderful location where I get to pretend I'm special and some nice friendly ladies comfort me with, er, um I guess I shouldn't elaborate too much on that part.

I do have to admit that I would truly savor the opportunity to enjoy more times like these that involve a sigh of satisfaction. Oh yeah, I can definitely say that would be a pure joy at times.

Instead I get the grumpy, frumpy ghouls that shuffle into my office because they work for me and want to share the great and glorious joys of life without sanity. They naturally never ask if in anyway want to hear the details, they just presume I will thrive on hearing the tidbits of gloom they feel I can't live without knowing.

Which results with me ending up with my own moments of times like these that I would prefer to forget. I have figured out how yet, but I'm working on it.

So far the only known cure I've come up with involved a headstone and plot. That is not what I call a good solution at the moment. Although, there are times when I admit that is a big problem enough that I do toy with it as an alternative.

Then I ponder eternity and can't help appreciating I have no way of knowing if eternity has a few of times like these too. You know it might be written the fine print of the scriptures that the scribes managed to forget to translate.

I know, leave it to me to think of that. What a joy that would be. Only somehow if that was the truth, I think it would be more of a disappointment to the people who thought heaven is supposed to be perfect. For the rest of us if we end up in eternity and there is a waiting room where you have to pick a number and you get five billion and they are waiting on two, well, I'll be the only smiling then.

IT IS TO YAWN

Oh yeah, this is the fun part of life isn't it? I'm talking about the wonderful moments to be sure when dull is like some menacing dark lord who is casting a horrible shadow over all of life and soul. Jeez, I've got to stop watching those stupid fantasy/sci-fi flicks where they talk like that.

To be honest sometimes I wonder if we wouldn't be better off is SOMEBODY with real magical power was running things. I mean true, if they were evil if could be a pain in the butt in ways, but I bet it would be exciting. I mean you can say what you want about the dark forces, such as they are, however they do seem to know how to enjoy themselves.

Not that I'm trying to build a case for them or anything, it is just well, they seem to be better at figuring ways to have a good time. I don't want to take anything away from the good guys or those who claim to work for them like the bible thumper types. I'm sure that if properly inspired they could be inclined to put on a good form of entertainment. It is just I don't know, they never seem to actually do that as far as I can tell.

Okay if you say were to get involved with one of the bible thumper groups then you would probably look forward to fun things like potlucks. I'm not really clear on the connection, but from what I have see bible thumpers do seem to make eating a big deal. Which I guess means that God thinks eating is a good thing. That's fine with me.

And in some circles they have things bingo and what they call "fellowship" which as far as I can tell either has to do with the bible in some way or more eating. In any case we're still talking about your basic joy of doing normal stuff. Nothing exotic ( I said exotic and not erotic in case you read that too fast.)

So that means if you are inclined to want to do something other than bingo or stuff you face your sort of out of luck with the good guys. I bet the dark forces at least can throw in some booze if you want it.

Which makes me sort of wonder if perhaps the Lord might be willing to you know grant us bored people some slack in that regard? First of all if I was him, which naturally I'm not, but if I was I think I would give more thought to lighting up things a little more. You know that old saying about catching more flies with honey that vinegar. Well perhaps that would work better in this context too?

See that is the problem. They never ask my opinion on such things. I wish somebody would. I'm sure I could liven things up a bit on Sunday mornings if I was given a chance.

I wonder if they would be against starting out each service with somebody shouting, "it's show time?" Guess there is no point in asking since I hardly can expect to be asked to contribute. However, I shall for the sake of helping to purge this world of the infectious epidemic of incurable yawns offer up modest attempts at some form of adequate medicinal remedy. Er, you know what I mean.

DREAM ON

Is it so much fun to daydream? You get to turn imagination's faucet on and for a while you can be anything you want, anywhere you want and most of anyone you want. And the truly great thing is in such fantasies life is always perfect.

Wouldn't it be great if we had a way to turn real life into such dreams? I know I would be jazzed to have a shot at just one such dream coming true. That would be so wonderful. Not practical, but wonderful just the same.

So why am I waltzing down the road obvious and towards the predictable? I guess it is a survival mechanism for when life serves up and extra helpful of crap for a given week. That seems to be the time when my brain says, "run away, run away."

Only problem is I hate exercise and even though I'm not prone towards caring about always telling the truth, I just hate to call it running, when I'm going to drive. Okay you might be going huh, right now, so call it a whim or stab of pride, but there are times even I don't feel comfortable taking the easy way out.

Which is why I like the daydream option. I can at least in my mind solve my problems and that makes me happy to some degree.

Now the whole reason I bring this up is because I am aware that I'm not alone is being someone who goes through that process. Lots of people, if not everyone loves playing that kind of escape game.

Most of the time it is a harmless enough adventure. And if you are prone to a more than slightly bent approach then you might even want to be sure you don't share you dreams. Trust me that is definitely a prudent choice with some people.

Heck in my situation as a politician I have to be extra careful. I might understand how it gives me goose bumps to imagine the joys of truly being free to victimize everyone I know. Now that would be wonderful. At least in my dreams.

I don't know, but people in that regard are just not very understanding about one being utterly twisted if you are an elected official. Somehow they just aren't as inclined to want to trust an elected official if he suddenly gets the urge to confess some dark fantasy.

You can think them and they may even give you a reason to smirk, but it doesn't translate into necessarily meaning you can be free to admit the cause for a smile. So one ends up playing the game.

That translates into doing your best to fake it when somebody rambles on and on about how they find a given behavior despicable. And the whole time it happens to be something you do as a habit. It really can be tough saying, "oh yes, I agree that is awful. Absolutely shocking."

It can be a fun game though. Providing you have developed a good enough poker face to not get exposed for what you dream all the time.

DON'T DO IT

Your brain ever whisper this to you? Do you listen? I don't. And normally I feel like an idiot when I don't.

I can't help it. I'm surrounded by too many know-it-alls who don't have a clue to anything truly intelligent or helpful, so I naturally tune out their advice. It is a defense mechanism.

So naturally when my own brain whispers, "hey stupid, don't do it," I don't listen. Which at times can be a real disaster.

However, if is a small consolation that so often I've discover all kinds of people who are guilty of the same problem. How do I know? Easy. By what the say later.

They will make some comment like "I knew something was wrong" or "I had a feeling I shouldn't have done that." Basically, they are telling me they didn't listen either.

Course they never admit to that part. It is generally followed by some silliness where they end up blaming somebody else when things go wrong. It gets kind of boring having listen to all those lies.

Oh well, life can be so entertaining at times in that regard. It is fun to look back and realize your not perfect or even close. I didn't say you admit it to others, just to yourself.

The fun is watching the people who go through the absurdity of lying to themselves. It is amazing.

Even that wouldn't be so bad if they didn't bother trying to tell you how they didn't really make a mistake. Or they ramble on about how it is somebody else's fault. Boring!

I didn't say I didn't do it myself. But most of the time I don't try to pretend to myself, jsut to others.

In any case, don't do it is one of those little "thoughts of regret" that comes into everyone's life. And it can be so entertaining to watch the way some fight so avoid the reality.

Heck on a good day, I even provide the joy of crying towel on some occasions. I don't know if I'm in a good mood I can enjoy a good story.

Plus most of the time these are stories that never end in a happy ending. At least not for the person telling it.

However it does for me when I see how stupid the person feels. Then later I feel better about myself since that is one situation where somebody was made to look like an idiot instead of me.

JUST BLOW IT

Come on gang you can do it. Honest it isn't the end of the world regardless of what some people claim.

I know in this grab all you can, winner take all, losers are the scum of the world mentality making mistakes are often looked upon as bad. And naturally, nobody wants to look bad. Even if we do make mistakes too often, we don't love admitting it.

Which is why I developed for myself the philosophy that blowing it once and a while is a good thing. Not enough so you feel bad about it, but enough to relax.

It is so hard to live in a world that has so little tolerance for error. I think it is connected to the fact that deep down we all know we are going to blow it from time to time. We just don't have a plan to broadcast it to the world.

In a way, I do understand. There are professions where we would be really nervous if the person got up and declared their flaws. Would you want to fly on a jet plane with a pilot that said something like "well folk, wish me luck, I got a headache and feel real crappy, but don't worry, if I blow it, I'll be sure to give you enough to pray before we smack into the ground."

Nope I don't think I want to book a ticket on that plane. And therefore admittedly we need the illusions at times. Those little moments when we hug a cloud of delusion and say "come on baby rain just for me." Translation, we need those lies to keep ourselves sane in some cases.

Still, if we aren't surgeon, firefighter or any other profession where somebody's life is on the line then can't we just be happy to be us? I have a feeling the head might not yes, but the mind says no way!

So I guess we will always have to do it the hard way. To keep ourselves playing this silly little foolishness.

Although I think I would be willing to take a shot at trying to pretend I'm less perfect if a few more people would join me. Now all I have to do is find enough people are willing to go first.

Not that I'm saying I don't trust others. It is just I think we do at times have trouble being first unless it involves a right to brag. Yeah, that's us isn't it?

Okay, so now that we feel better for having said it I think we can get back to our real lives. They may not be honest, but it is a bit overrated anyway.

Next stop, the local bar. If we can fix the world maybe we can at least drown our disappointments till they seem perfect. See you there, best person with the most convincing lie about their day, wins!

FOR THE HECK OF IT

Now there are times when I just feel like going a little nuts. I want to so do something for no particular reason at all. Just to have fun. And I can believe that I would be alone in such desire. It is not logical or practical, just feels so good.

Unfortunately there are always those people out there who expect you to have an explanation for everything you do. Plus if you are an elected official, "whoa" you have to have a reason because you are someone they voted for. Which comes down to the fact that you aren't allowed to have a sense of humor or be frivolous in anyway.

At least not to their way of thinking. Of course that has nothing to do with reality. The one they pretend doesn't exists.

So in part it does contribute to the problem of why as a politician I at times have to say one thing and do another. Go ahead and tell me I don't have a right to be human. Tell me that it isn't my right to want to act a little goofy at times.

Perhaps that works in your world if it is filled with hopelessly anal retentive state of being, but in my world where people are more than brain did they have to be able to breath once and a while. I'm not talking tearing down the walls of society and letting chaos ruled.

Lord knows I have been accused of that. And it isn't true. Providing you don't have any witnesses and I know that strip club I went to was far enough away that, um, anyway I shall still always believe in variety.

I know that old saying about it being the spice of life. However, I do respect the right of some people to not enjoy things being too spicy.

So if you prefer bland then by all means enjoy. As for me, I don't mind eating leftovers or an ordinary meal most of the time. But everyone once and a while I do crave a real spicy hot tamale! Oh yeah, about twenty-one, blonde and um, well I imagine you get the general idea.

My main regret is that I am unable to embrace my choice to the degree that I would like. But people are just not ready to have me show up for work wearing only my underwear, hung over and not having shaved from the previous day.

Personally, I think my fuzzy bunny slippers are a great fashion statement, but I'm afraid that isn't an opinion shared by every one else. There are too many people out there who are far too stiff if you ask me. Like somebody put starch in their deodorant and breakfast cereal.

As for me, well whether I get to wear a party hat or not, I going to party in my mind. I just let people think I'm happy to see them. It is enough to keep them from asking to many of the wrong questions!

JIBBERISH

Yep it is a special silly language where it only makes sense to the person doing the talking. And I for one enjoy it.

In particular situation the joy comes from being able to inspire such comments as a politician without in any way worrying people will complain. It really is true in many situations. When I need to cover my behind and have to do it with a speech it is so much fun because I can resort to my special little double talk verbiage and that truly is so much fun.

I didn't say that everyone shares my opinion. Yet when I dig out my thesaurus and start bantering a lot of big words, what I see is a lot of blank stares with that predictable "huh" on their faces. However none of them bothers to come to me afterwards and say, "what the heck were you talking about?"

That is mainly because they know the big words are words and they don't want to embarrass themselves by admitting they didn't understand them. In fact what really cracks me up is when they actually come up afterwards and say something silly like "boy that sure was a great speech." Liars!

Still, I resort to it as a defense mechanism. After all there are situations when I simply can't afford to let anyone know I'm covering up for some really bungled effort. I do have an image to protect you know, even if it isn't a legitimate one.

For me it is all part of the grander scheme of stupidity. That is my private pet name for all this silliness. And I'm darn proud of it.

I didn't say that I admit that to my voters or anyone other than my private inner circle of conmen. We love that option. It makes for some truly inspiring conversations. Well inspiring to us naturally, not sure anyone else would see it that way.

Meanwhile, on my inebriated occasions we take the time to make a joint effort to pen some joyful dribble. And if we work it right we naturally arrange for a few plants in the audience to applaud our efforts.

If we play our little game well enough, it really does confuse even more than just words. The people who aren't in our game sit there and look around and then not wanting to seem like idiots will start applaud too.

After that if the applause is convincing enough then nobody dares to come up and say, "What did you say?" That is the great joy.

I'm all tuckered out at the moment from sharing this joy so I think I call it a day. Plus I do have to work on a new speech about the current economic conditions in our city. I'm sure by the time I get done, it will make no sense whatever. But I know it won't matter once the applause starts.

TAKE OR TAKE

Now those are the perfect options to me, if I'm doing the taking. It is a matter of what I take. Sort of a greedy person's idea of heaven. And who could ask for more than that right?

See with give or take you have to do some bartering and there is an element of risk. With this it is an issue of decided how much your going to take and from where. It is like going shopping.

In that sense then there are the situations where you know you have a shot at getting whatever you want. So you have to decide what is the most appealing. Ah, the joy, rapture, no worrying about pleasing or lying, just if your arms are going to get tired from all the grabbing.

Perhaps for me the best time for this is as a politicians. The beauty of taxes as a form of taking is absolutely glorious. I don't have to worry about figuring out where to grab anything there is just this big joy of grabbing and doing it legally. Who could ask for more?

The real fun is knowing people will gripe over the issue of taxes, but they know they have to pay them. So no big deal there. Oh they don't like the idea of this kind of taking, but everyone knows they are stuck with the bill.

In that regard there is such a joy for me since I don't even have to lie about why I'm taking. It is just, taxes. And if they don't like no big deal.

What I truly love though is being able to nail somebody who is trying to cheat on his taxes in some lame way. I get to give them my "for the good of all" speech. I do everything I can to try and make them feel guilty over not doing their fair share as a citizen.

Now the whole time, I'm not paying taxes myself. Course I'm not stupid enough to tell them that. It would spoil the game.

I know it stinks in some people's opinion. Like I give a darn. This is life people. You want fair, go buy a board game.

Meanwhile, the game continues. I get to take, and take again. Then after taking what I can from wherever I can, I take out of what I took for the city for myself. I figure I need the practice.

I'm sure people will snicker at that idea. But it really does take practice to be good at anything. The only problem is convincing others that this whole process is a good thing. Normally it doesn't work so I don't bother. As I sit somewhere squandering my taking I generally find ways to feel good about it just the same. Life can be funny at times and the taking part done correctly just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh.

GIVE OR TAKE

I'm a big fan of giving. I give all the time. I give grief, attitude and in general a reason to cause a person's blood pressure to go ballistic. Yep, I'm a real giver alright.

Naturally I do try to balance all that wonderful giving, but doing some taking too. In some cases I'm so good that I actually give while taking. If I take away somebody's gold, I'm kind enough to give them some sadness in the process. Now who could ask for more than that?

Okay, I can feel the sneers. There are just so many people out there with an odd sense of what giving is. They thing giving is giving something that helps people. I mean that the person thinks they need. Isn't that so darn silly?

After all, there are plenty of places you can find to help you take care of some need in terms of money or whatever. But who spends their time filling the need of making sure you are a victim of being too gullible? Isn't that important?

The way I see it I'm in the business of guiding people to a more self-reliant type of life. One where you learn people are basically liars and crooks so you can't trust them. To me that is such an important lesson.

And how can you honestly achieve than better than by giving people at object lesson they will never forget. I think that kind of giving lasts forever.

But do I ever get any thanks for such an effort? Do people come to me and show their gratitude for the times I end up victimizing them to help make sure they don't let it happen afterwards? Heck no!

And what do I ask in return for teaching people such a valuable lesson? All I ask is a small compensation in terms of what any good teacher would deserve. I think that is fair.

However, it doesn't seem to be that way to others. Can you believe the nerve of some people to actually complain about my efforts.

I tell you it is truly a sad world we live in when people just lack the capacity to adequately appreciate when someone as giving as I am works so hard to educate my fellow man. This doesn't discourage me naturally.

And each time I go to the bank and put that tuition money I obtained from teaching people how not to be suckers just gives me a sense of pride. As I stick the money in that safe deposit box till I can transfer it to my Swiss bank account, I do feel a special rush of satisfaction.

Naturally, I never share my labors with people like the income tax folks. After all I do abide by the rule that giving ought to be done in secret.

TAKING TO THE ...

Ah, taking is the key here for me. Which is why I didn't finish the phrase. Because is other than a voluntary act. It is grabbing for whatever and you never grab as a rule unless it is for something you honestly want.

That is why I have problem with when this is completed with the word, "limit." I hate limits. The very idea implies a lack of freedom.

And normally limits are imposed not on things you hate, but love. Such as in stores where they mark something "limit" two or however many to a customer. That just naturally screams in your loins, "more, more, more."

Now a more blessed version of this phrase involves something like "take it to the bank." Which implies a reward. I can accept that part.

Perhaps there are a few who don't savor the concept of even giving this phrase that much thought. That doesn't surprise me. I'm sure there are some who honestly enjoy any kind of restraint. It does simplify life. And it gives you a nice excuse for not trying.

Well for us human leeches out there, what can I say? Taking is as natural as breathing. I just don't care to pretend about it, that's all.

At least off the record. On my job as Mayor I can't declare my taking as freely. People get so grumpy and unreasonable when an elected official who has to be greedy just to get voted into office does admit to being greedy. Isn't that silly?

But in some ways, life is silly anyway. So if silly works, then be silly. And I do. As often as I can.

In the meantime, I do translate the idea of limits to my own level. Which means a limit on the degree to which I will try and act decent. Yeah, that's the kind of limit that works for me.

Meanwhile for the dreamers, schemers and those who plot as reamers I say go for it. Whatever it is. Just don't do it in my town.

Why waste time where the competition can be so darn nasty? I'm sure a person of your grabbing talents can find a wonderful place to pouch.

I'll even give you the precious gift of an endorsement. One that I'm sure will help you in a lot of ways.

I will expect a little compensation along the way. But I'm sure you would expect that anyway right?

So go forth and grab. If you bag your limit, I'll applaud right before I hold out my hand to expect a cut for myself.

YOU HAVE TO SPEND MONEY

I'm sure you have heard the old saying about having to spend money to make money? Well let me ask you something. Is there any situation where you actually can get something without spending money?

So doesn't it make that saying more than a little silly when you think about it? Frankly you might as well say something as absurd as you have to spend money to spend money. Like anybody has to be told that?

Anyway the idea came to me. There is this suggestion that saving money is good and spending it is bad. But what is the real reason a person tries to save money? Well, to have it later as in the case of emergency is one thought.

Let's say you don't have an emergency then what other reason is there? The other idea might be to get rich. A noble concept to be sure. Only I'm not persuaded you can get that rich by just saving money. Unless you are saving money above and beyond what you normally get. Because to me the average person hardly can save the kind of money to become filthy, stinking and brag about level of rich! Not from the way I see it.

Nope, I think that the option is to spend money and then steal the extra. Oh I realize that sounds absurd to some. Which is why I take the approach of lying about it. I didn't say I will actually admit to stealing it. Just that I will plan to steal it.

Naturally that does fly in the face of those who would be trying to steal the money themselves. Those I consider as a form of competition and there is only one way to deal with them, rat them out.

I can hear the groans of hypocrisy. And personally I agree. However, if it means I get an extra buck in my pocket, then I'm happy.

Now you might ask why even bother to mention this in the first place? Well, it is simple, I just want to take the time in my effort to share life in a more practical vein to offer up a sensible approach to spending.

However you might be blessed to live a life where you don't have a horde of greenback leeches to try and drain you dry. Mine as very diligent at figuring new a creative ways to suck money out of my pocket.

I consider it a form of inspiration I suppose. A special way to help justify my own greed. It might not sound impressive, but it works for me. Actually most things work for me if I figure out the best lie to tell about it.

It is the joy that makes things all worthwhile in their own way. A smile surrounded by an aura of gold. Hopefully one coming from real gold too. Which is better than tin foil when forced to eat leftovers when you screw up on some plot. Been there too. Not a memory I prefer to celebrate obviously.

UNDER ARM PROTECTION

As I see it this can apply to one of two choices. The first is deodorant, the second is a gun. Both offer a form of protection only the latter needs bullets.

However the one good thing about the latter type is if you offend, so what? Somebody gives you too much of a hassle and your whip it out and bang! Problem solved.

At least you solve the problem of dealing with some jerk. What you don't do is take care of other problems. Like witnesses who will lie and say they'll never say a word when you got a gun pointed at their heads, but the moment you're gone they are screaming "he did it, he did it, he did it!"

So you end up hoping you run out of witnesses before you run out of bullets. Then there is all that mess to clean up and blood doesn't exactly clean up that easy.

Which is why I don't recommend that form of under arm protection. It is just too much trouble. As for the former, oh yeah, by all means go for it.

Only be realistic about it. Deodorant will not make you more appealing or attractive. You could take a bath in deodorant and still end up offending people if you have a stinking bad attitude towards life.

So it is safe to say regular deodorant is a good thing and legal, but honestly it isn't going to make life perfect. And it sure would get rid of the pesky, annoying creeps like the latter form of under arm protection.

Thus I'm working on an alternative. Sort of a combination of the two. Basically using some help with the latter kind of under arm protection. The type you hire out to well, not blast the pest completely. Maybe just maim or crippled a tad. Yes, I said a tad.

Then you need the first kind of under arm protection when the boys in blue decide to pay you a visit. Sweating too much is a definite give away that your lying. That a bright red face will get you in trouble every time.

On a more peaceful alternative you could just manage to sabotage the other person's deodorant. Something that will really piss them off.

And in the process while they are pissing and moaning over the way their deodorant isn't doing the job, you can smile because their under arm pain is for you a form of protection. Pretty clever huh? I thought so.

So go forth and safe yourself from the perils of sweating. Maybe even in the process you get in some much needed target practice.

Only naturally you didn't hear that from me. But a word to the wise is sufficient as long as they are wearing a wire.

THE THRILL OF IT ALL

This is one of those things where good is the part that needs to be emphasized. That's because plenty of people have stuff. However, having good stuff is totally different.

And let me tell you if you don't know the difference, please don't call me or try to show off your stuff to me either. I would rather not even bother to be given the chance to share
in your idea of treasure if it is crap.

That might seem like I'm being unkind, but believe me when it comes to someone thinking something is valuable it doesn't have a whole lot to do with what the item is really worth. Of that you can be guaranteed.

Of course there are various hints you will discover that help to suggest that certain person's idea of value is slightly skewed. First of all if all their clothes are purchased from a thrift store, we are probably not talking about someone who worries too much about fashion.

At least I no longer spend to much time in the company of that one individual who thought buying his clothes from a funeral parlor or old folks home. Admittedly, I wasn't all that keen about him sharing his idea of fashion tips.

And as I said I did not continue keeping him in my circle of contacts after he volunteered his shopping preference. Well to be honest the real clincher was after he mentioned how his idea of good time for a date was a picnic at midnight in some cemetery. The moment he mentioned it was the best time to dig up a date I changed the subject.

Aside from this given situation though most of my experience with people's good stuff ideas haven't been quite as ghoulish. A little weird at times, but not as completely insane.

Basically as long as the person doesn't try to inflict their concept of good stuff on me, I'm happy. Which is nearly impossible to keep from happening on some occasions.

Such as when my secretary decides to "bless" me with a gift. The person who said it is the thought that counts obvious was never blessed with a stuff pink penguin. One that has a beak that lights up when you touch it and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

As well intentioned as the idea might have been, it just didn't work for me. What made it worse was that she wanted to show it off to everyone that came to the office.

What can I say. I was so crushed when we suffered that burglary and the only they took was that penguin. Who would have known it was regarded as treasure by some thief. It does sadden me to think of how they criminal will probably never be caught. Somehow I'll do my best to cope.

And in the process be grateful that didn't have to paid too much to have the penguin stolen. But then, I'll never admit it either!