ON OCCASION

These are those rare times when you get what you want. It isn't always when you want it, but it always welcomed when it happens.

True, there can be on occasions that make you groan, but ah it is so worth it during the good times. Just to bad they don't happen all the time.

From my view these are often the consequence of fate. Or perhaps luck would be a better term in this case.

At least that is how I prefer to view it. Oh yeah, these are pure cases of dumb luck. Like say you are tooling down the road and there are no cars anyway close by. Then you come across this car with a flat tire. And the driver happens to be a young gorgeous blonde who will show her gratitude for any help. (sigh) Alas those don't happen that often. Wish they did.

In fact that has never happen to me. But you can be sure I would sure wish I could if possible.

In any case you know, I'm coping with that fantasy and once and a while I tend to cruise down the freeway in hopes of seeing a needy damsel in distress. So far the only thing I've seen is some short fat dude who could change his own flat tire as far as I'm concerned.

Meanwhile, back to the joy of on occasion. The wonderful thing is when pure dumb luck comes your way.

You just keep hoping something allowed for it. As if you got it for being worthy. Naturally, that is a joke.

If I got what I truly deserved all the time, I would definitely be in big trouble. Fortunately, that doesn't happen most times to me.

However, I do love to concentrate on this joy of the on occasions when it does work in my favor. There are plenty that I have a reason to actually look forward to them.

Only you just can't say when. That is the big problem. There is no way of determining the when part.

Trust me I wish there was. But that's okay, I still happy when on occasion does happen. And if it takes place when I'm in a good mood, even better.

That is because I get to lie about it and that makes it even better. I just thrive on that fun. The perfect excuse and seduction that makes us different from other forms of life. Well at least we can't tell if they are lying about it. Probably are and we just have no idea. So I can lie about that too, on occasion.

JUST DROPPING BY

Does this really ever just happen without it being planned? I know in my life the only ones that just drop by are my relatives when they want something. And you can be sure it won't ever be to give me something.

Unless you were talking about a bill for something they bought. Now that would definitely happen.

I guess the thing is from my view that essentially we are all for the most part selfish little plotting gnomes. I know that is a negative view, but only if you think of that as a bad thing.

Personally, I regard it as a tribute to man's talents and abilities. While other, less intelligent species only know how to survive and love instinctively, we by virtue of our superior brains have made life easier. We figured out if we can lie and steal something instead of working for it we are better off.

Like I said, I see this as a good thing. For I regard it as a compliment to the basic essence of the human spirit that comprehends the necessity of always facing life as a challenge.

You see you don't have to be positive or negative to appreciate that aspect of being. For in life we don't get to savor what we want without such elements in our thinking.

Whether you expect a positive outcome or a negative, you still have to react to your environment. That all reduces down in my thinking to all of us having ulterior motives to our actions, even if we don't admit it.

Which I think essentially translates into appreciating that when somebody comes by to see me that I wasn't expecting, they are not there just to say hi. Nor are they worried about my well being.

Unfortunately, the reality is for many people, they don't want to accept this fact. It just is too unflattering to the fantasies we prefer to think constitute life. So instead we make excuses for our gluttony of indulgence. And all those silly little plans we contrive for our own benefit, but claim are otherwise.

None of which is anything I seek to change. I just would prefer if it were more related to honesty.

Essentially, I would think it would be so much more helpful if we could tell the truth and know the other person also embraced this fact. Then it would make things truly more fun.

We could call up whoever and say, "hey buddy, I'm dropping by to tell you a bunch of big fat lies before I get a chance to ask you for something to suck you dry." Then it would be so much more fun to reward according to how clever the comment end up being. Now that would be entertainment.

BIG PLANS WITH NO BIGNESS

These are often such wonderful events in terms of promise. You know they are planned by somebody who is supposedly good at making things turn out great.

Only when you get there, they suck. Sometime just doesn't go right. You keep telling yourself it will get better, but it never does. However, you hang in there feeling stupid, but still believing things will improve because there is no way they can stay that bad, but they do stay bad.

So you finally give up after way too long of hoping and then move on trying to convince yourself that being stupid isn't totally the disaster that it really was. Just the joy of presuming you know reality when you don't.

Now where I live in Mediocrity and live is always dull one just adjusts to the reality that big is never normally that promising. Oh we do want it to be, but it never works out that way. Which is rather annoying considering the fact that even though I know this I still think this time will be different.

Why do I keep doing this? Well because part of me assumes that somewhere in this god forsaken city where dull is a state of being somebody must exists who can do it better?

I haven't found them as a rule, but I sure do keep hoping. Oh I come close on occasion, I will admit that.

And there are substitutes that do help with the boredom. When I am able to spend time with my buddy reporter, Hugo Muckraker, I honestly have a decent time. But not a big one.

We can hardly through some big event considering most of the time what we are doing is less than moral and occasionally not always legal. But then with me being Mayor and him being the news, we can manage without the public finding out. We just don't get to broadcast.

Nope, even is the city of bland there are limitations on that option. So we end up having to keep our little efforts rather quiet.

Which results in us being forced to spend our time when there is some big social event tolerating the plans people will less than inspired thoughts in terms of having a good time. Actually, this you expect.

What is hard is when you have to cope with the people who have at least some small reputation for being entertaining. They give you hope.

Which is why with those deals you expect the big event to be really wonderful. After all how hard is it to mess up a barbecue with entertainment? But trust me they managed. Still I am sucker for hope, so I'll always cling to the desire to believe it will get better. However, I've also had faith in magic at times and that sure has never worked out.

PASSING THE FINGERS

Ah the glory of the moment when you have someone toss in their hand to help with a problem. Now that might not seem like a big deal, but with some of my situations it is really important.

That's because naturally I'm involved in things at times, which are not always legal. What can I say? Honestly, I got expenses and well, I must confess I enjoy it too.

So for those situations where you can exactly ask for volunteers it is wonderful to find a hand or two that will help deal with the problems. That is the part that probably bothers me the most.

In the movies they seem to make it appear as if they bad guys never have any problems besides getting caught. Which I wish was the only problem I had to deal with.

Let me tell you when you are dealing with people who don't have any morals, trust is not high on the agenda of things you can count on. Not even on the list frankly.

So I have to balance bribes with the degree of cooperation I can expect in the process. Which can be tricky that's for sure.

The best times is when I get someone involved who has as much to risk as I do if things don't work out. The ideal would be another politician in my city.

Unfortunately, for me the main option for such situations is a guy named Lance Allworthy and he is the epitome of a do-gooder. So you can forget asking him to do anything shady. That guy probably would just mess it up by accident. Which is not help I need.

Outside of him the rest of the clowns on our city council and my Vice Mayor are frankly not worth wasting time with. They are lucky to even remember what time of day it is, let alone think it terms of graft.

In fact with those guys, they would probably get aroused by the idea of left over pizza. Yeah, they are that pathetic. Naturally, that kind of help is no help.

Which leaves me basically on most things to deal with the businessmen. Well there are the occasions when police chief has lent a hand, but obvious he is limited to his participation. And I am fortunate that we have at least on cult in town who is practical in that regard.

So that give me a little variety. But for the usual day-to-day routine I have to deal with businessmen. And naturally we do make allowances for double-checking to see that we aren't missing anything in the process.

It is all fun when it works right. If it doesn't then well, at least Hugo gives me a break on the columns he writes so I don't have to look like an idiot.

GREAT STUFF THAT PISSES YOU OFF

For me this is things you love to do that end up backfiring on you. Trust me that doesn't in anyway make you smile.

And the worse thing is that you start out thinking this is going to be great. Then by the time you realize it is going to be a disaster it is too late. You just end up having no choice, but to be pissed off.

For myself, I wish that you know I had a way to somehow be sure I never in anyway made a mistake in that regard. It would be so wonderful to always know before hand that something worked.

However, I don't have benefit of a reliable crystal ball. I did know a gal once who claimed to have one, but then I found out later, she also claimed to own a herd of pink rhinos so you can appreciate that didn't improve her credibility.

So outside of that option, I'm stuck with the usual option of having to face a gamble anytime I plan on doing something fun. Oh some gambles aren't as bad as others. You can always know when you are planning something less than exciting, which dull and boring people think is fun it will most likely not create any problems.

It is only when you want to do something really exciting and actually worth the time you find out it will probably end up a disaster. Just one of those regrettable rules of life that I've learned to tolerate.

Which does require some very creative efforts to have fun that doesn't end up with some regret. And so as a matter of information I thought I would share my experience.

First of all the most important rule on this is never and I mean never take the advice of a known dullard. And trust me they are easy to spot.

All you have to do is talk to them once and a while and you will find out in five minutes they have no real clue on what real fun is about. If they mention television reruns, twilight dinners at budget diners or the joy of fast food, you know they are beyond help in the fun department.

Not that any of those things are necessarily bad. It is just they aren't necessarily good either. That is in terms of what will make me happy.

And that is the criteria I am most preoccupied with from my view. In fact the fun that ends up pissing me off the most is when I do have to cope with some jerk of a person who sucks at fun.

Which I am learning to recognize. I still have my problems in that regard. There are some really good fun phonies out there. Way too many. And you never realize who they are at times till they hand you a two for one dinner at some cheap diner.

GREAT STUFF THAT SUCKS

In my mind this involves anything you love that has consequences. So you enjoy it, but hate what happens afterwards.

I'm speaking of situations such as when you can't avoid wanting something, such as dessert, but know later it will probably add inches to your waste line. Only you want the dessert so much you don't worry about that reality.

Which regrettably includes way to many things in life. I wish it didn't. But is does seem to be the things that really satisfy our passions just aren't good for us in the long run.

Not that it keeps us from indulging. Heaven forbid that we exercise such restraint. It would be sane, but not in the least fun.

Therein lies the struggle we have. We want what we want, but if it isn't in any way safe, healthy or legal, then you can be sure we want it even more.

Isn't it a pity that those who are the crusaders of morality don't have a better appreciation for this problem. That is not the issue they want to deal with.

And for me as a Mayor it is even a bigger problem. Basically because I have to pretend to care about the morality issue while at the same time remaining popular enough to get reelected. Now that is definitely not that easy.

Because you can be sure that the businessmen who are expecting certain accommodations from me do not in anyway bother to savor the idea of guilt. Which from my view is what the whole issue of morality is about.

My philosophy to be sure, but you can also know I'm not alone in that regard. Because if there is one thing I have come to understand it is that when it comes to a choice between making a buck and ethics, there is no contest.

Frankly, I don't even worry about it either. I just am content to do my part to keep the whole hypocrisy ship afloat without it sinking. And that takes a lot of practice on my part.

Okay, it takes a lot of lies to. I have to tell some really big fat lies in order to satisfy so many.

That way I have the blessings of those who want good stuff that is really boring since it is only good in terms of no consequences and the things, which really are good. Those two items make a big difference in dealing with people in general.

In the end it translates into a joy that I do my best to make sure both groups see me as part of the good things. And if I work it right they don't end up with knowing the crappy consequences since I lie about them too.

A DOLLAR MORE

Doesn't seem like a lot does it? Just one dollar more is never enough to keep people from buying something.

It is sort of the thinking with the ninety nine cent deal isn't it? If you say ninety-nine and not one dollar the person doesn't think of it as a dollar more, even though it really is.

My point is naturally that when you are talking about something like people's thinking you can often get them to agree to something if you phrase it right. We can be such predictable people.

Wherein lies my particular premise in terms of you know the issue of my dealing with some people. You know being aware of what they will accept and what they wont.

Most people for example hate taxes. They definitely don't enjoy paying them in any way. That you can count on.

But you can get them to give to charity at times, providing it means they get a tax deduction. So giving to charity it good, taxes are bad.

Now in the end, with both you end up spending money, but with one you have hope you are going to get part of it back. Nice thinking huh?

So what I like to do is make people feel that giving taxes is a kind of act of charity. It can be a tough sale, but trust me I do the best I can to make it sound that way.

Course when I can managed it I always like to show off some needy person that will be helped by the fund raising. That is another fabulous option to the word taxes that sometimes works really great.

People seem to understand the idea of needing funds to help people. And that isn't always a bad thing.

But there are times when some get picky about such things. They get so troublesome. Like expecting me to explaining how the money is being spent.

Can you imagine they just won't take my word for that. Which is so sad. I mean I work hard a coming up with good lies to tell them and that is the reward I get.

Well I'll tell you that doesn't work for me that is for sure. I never enjoy having my credibility questioned.

True, they have every reason to need to question it at times since I lie so much, but it doesn't mean I enjoy having them know that part. So in the process once and a while, I even manage to squeeze that one dollar more out of people and they feel good about it. I do too when I end up putting it in my pocket.

LEASE ME

Come on tell me you wouldn't love to own a politician. You know it would be great. Having a chance to personally own an elected official for fun and profit.

Sound disgusting? Make your snarl out of anger of the very idea? Well, for those who want to believe that elected officials shouldn't be for rent, then perhaps you ought to just keep your eyes closed. That way you can find the place you want to live where fantasy is reality and politicians are good guys with morals.

I'm not trying to suggest that ALL politicians are as crooked as I am. I'm just suggesting that I do have competition.

Okay, I realize that this is not they way politics is suppose to work. An elected official ought to honestly represent the people. Nice theory of course.

Now, having said all of that, I want to purpose a more practical and realistic approach. I mean let's face it, can we ever expect our system to live up to our expectations? Of for that matter can any system actually achieve some realistic level of perfection?

My view is no. And I think history will support that point of view. Mainly because we know nothing is perfect. So how come we think that rule doesn't apply to politicians? Do we really think we can wave some magic wand and they will forget who they are in reality? Nice idea, just not even close to what will really work.

Which is why I prefer to think it would benefit everyone if we changed our philosophy to some degree. You know let the politicians be open minded to idea of allowing anyone with the means and creativity to entertain an elected official with a chance for some special favor.

Will this somehow improve the issue of equality? I never said it would. I'm merely saying it would eliminate the need to pretend there is equality.

And that for me would be a good thing. Hey, when you consider it, if politicians were really able to charge for favoritism imagine the fun they could have at coming up with competitive prices?

See I bet you never thought of that did you? Just imagine being able to go through a catalogue and have the thrill of picking out the favor you needed at a price you could afford.

Now that to me would be far more beneficial than our current method. Which is far more confusing and less than beneficial.

I reckon there are some who think this is tacky. So go ahead and keep dreaming about living in some fairy tale society where good always wins out over evil. For the rest of us, I'll met you down at the bar where we can discuss prices. I'll even buy the first round.

DON'T TOUCH THIS

This is definitely sound advice in some situations. Oh yeah, you just have to know the times when it is best to not get involved in something.

For a guy like me that can be extra challenging. I mean as much as I enjoy money and making it anyway that is easy regardless of whether it is legal, there are times when I definitely have to not touch some options.

As hard as it might be to believe, there are occasions when I just know it is dumb and stupid to participate, so I don't. I'm speaking of situations where the person's idea is completely stupid. The type that screams if you try this you're going to be sorry.

And let me tell you when I feel that way, I definitely don't touch the idea. Which can be painful at the time because if the option had lots of money potential it really is something I hate to miss.

In any case though, I prefer in some situations the option of smarts to greed stupid. That is when you get selfish to the point of being willing to totally ignore common sense.

Those types of times happen way to often for me. And sadly there are occasions when some partner in some other deal is the one I have to say no to this time.

See that is the hard part with all this con stuff. You can have success in one situation, but it doesn't mean it will guarantee success the next time.

That is the big deal. Unlike some things were you can be considered a genius for your success, that doesn't work with this type of deal.

I understand it, but sometimes my partners don't. They will look at me so stunned when I say I pass on something.

Like, they can't understand if a winning combination worked before why it won't this time. Which is in part because along the way they got stupid from overconfidence.

And also deaf. Because they won't listen either. So that means they will go ahead and find some other clown to help them.

Oh I do encourage them. But most of the time, it is more that I feel sorry for them. At least after that fiasco sometimes they become smarter.

Just not all the time. And when they don't learn from one blunder and come back with an even more absurd idea, I don't say yes then either.

Ah, it is a strange life, living in the shadows. But I do manage. Sometimes I have to keep my eyes close, which is fine. As long as I don't have to listen to the screams from people who didn't care when I said their idea was dumb.

PASSING THE FINGERS

Ah the glory of the moment when you have someone toss in their hand to help with a problem. Now that might not seem like a big deal, but with some of my situations it is really important.

That's because naturally I'm involved in things at times, which are not always legal. What can I say? Honestly, I got expenses and well, I must confess I enjoy it too.

So for those situations where you can exactly ask for volunteers it is wonderful to find a hand or two that will help deal with the problems. That is the part that probably bothers me the most.

In the movies they seem to make it appear as if they bad guys never have any problems besides getting caught. Which I wish was the only problem I had to deal with.

Let me tell you when you are dealing with people who don't have any morals, trust is not high on the agenda of things you can count on. Not even on the list frankly.

So I have to balance bribes with the degree of cooperation I can expect in the process. Which can be tricky that's for sure.

The best times is when I get someone involved who has as much to risk as I do if things don't work out. The ideal would be another politician in my city.

Unfortunately, for me the main option for such situations is a guy named Lance Allworthy and he is the epitome of a do-gooder. So you can forget asking him to do anything shady. That guy probably would just mess it up by accident. Which is not help I need.

Outside of him the rest of the clowns on our city council and my Vice Mayor are frankly not worth wasting time with. They are lucky to even remember what time of day it is, let alone think it terms of graft.

In fact with those guys, they would probably get aroused by the idea of left over pizza. Yeah, they are that pathetic. Naturally, that kind of help is no help.

Which leaves me basically on most things to deal with the businessmen. Well there are the occasions when police chief has lent a hand, but obvious he is limited to his participation. And I am fortunate that we have at least on cult in town who is practical in that regard.

So that give me a little variety. But for the usual day-to-day routine I have to deal with businessmen. And naturally we do make allowances for double-checking to see that we aren't missing anything in the process.

It is all fun when it works right. If it doesn't then well, at least Hugo gives me a break on the columns he writes so I don't have to look like an idiot.

NO TELLING

I'm a big advocate of secrets. I love blabbing ones I hear from other people or using the info to blackmail them.

Which is why I enjoy keeping them for myself in a way I never tell anyone. I don't want to in any have somebody suck me dry for such details.

The big thing naturally is to be sure you don't do the telling part to anyone else. It can be so easy to assume somebody is your friend.

A friend in the sense of being a confidant. Those are easy to find, but very hard to embrace in a way you know can be trusted.

Actually, I make a wonderful friend in that regard. You can always tell me anything. I'll be a friend forever and never violate your trust.

Well, not that you will be able to guess. I never in any way bother to do that. Not to the point that you will discover.

I didn't say I would in any way actually keep any thing you tell me a secret. I just said I would be sure I didn't let you know I blabbed.

That is the part I have to be careful about. I try to inspire trust. Mainly for the purpose of making sure I can find people I can use.

It really is important you understand. One has to always inspire the illusion of trust in order to gain the confidence of some people.

Naturally, bribes help. I always savor those. Yep, there is nothing more exciting than to be able to sit down and savor the moment and get paid too.

Then once the person is out of sight you immediately make your plans for how to sell off or benefit from their confession. Only you have to do it in a way that they never find out you did it.

That can be the tricky part. You just have to be sure you do it by passing on the info to people without anyone knowing you did it.

It really isn't that hard to accomplish. A little careful planning normally can take care of that issue.

Which if you work it right means somebody gets totally embarrassed and somebody else ends up taking the blame. Meanwhile you end up smiling since you didn't get caught.

Then you celebrate at the bar using the money you took for a bribe to keep your mouth shut. The booze helps rid you of the guilt over not earned the money.

DOESN'T EVERYBODY?

This is so wonderful when you can know you screwed up, but so did everyone else. Somehow it just feels so good to know you are not alone in the world at being stupid.

Of course that doesn't mean you escape the consequences you understand. Now if you could do that it would really be wonderful.

But it never works out that way. So we have to content ourselves when the world falls around our knees that somehow it isn't a complete disaster.

Which leads to the usual could be worse scenarios. These are followed by the predictable in a different situation anyone would make the same mistake.

Does any of that improve life? Probably not, but you do think it might and that is what counts the most.

Meanwhile, the fun part is doing what you can to try and imagine how you can make sure this doesn't happen again. That is always a fun exercise.

It never changes reality you understand. It always leaves things screwed up. But as long as you can invent enough lies to make it seem like change will take place then it is a good thing.

Personally, I enjoy the duck and cover method. Find somewhere you can hide as long a possible from such humiliation.

At least till your lies about everyone making same bonehead move actually become believable. It all is so wonderful as a method of fun.

Well, at least I think of it as wonderful. Which is probably the biggest problem. Too many people lack their sense of humor to look at such things in an uplifting and thoughtful way.

So if you can massage them into thinking it is all cool and okay we are capable of bonehead thinking then that is half the battle. Again that is providing you can accomplish it.

Alas the tricky part is not being able to do this when you want. Pissed off and embarrassed people have trouble always smiling. Sometimes they just can't cope.

Which makes it so tough to get them to sit back, relax and find it all something to enjoy. They just can't savor the moment.

But I try my best to get them to focus better in that regard. Which is where you have to use the method of getting them to see how it is somebody who acts so stupid by not dealing with things with a sense of humor. Sometimes it even works.

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

This seems to be a general flavor cure all we use to speak of so many different things we have to swallow. Especially things that we wouldn't otherwise consumed. As if making it all okay if they have a regular taste of something such a chicken.

That pretty much works for foods in a lot of cases. But you know what? People apply it to other things too.

Pretty much anything where we have to try something for the first time and the experience was just okay. Not good or bad, just okay. So we say it was, and fill in the blank with whatever is the experience equivalent of tasting like chicken.

Which could be like it was the same as say, going to a movie or getting gas. Not exciting stuff, but things that aren't bad either. Just things you do to do them. Yeah, even going to the movies can be kind of routine.

However, on the plus side such experiences can be added to the portfolio of things to do when you feel like crap and are broke. These are times where you only need cheap relief in life and not necessarily excitement.

As much as I enjoy having fun and doing exciting things, I also know the times when you are just too tired or listless to want to work that hard. So you end up being willing to settle for some not so great alternative.

Naturally the whole time you are thinking, man I wish I could do THAT instead, but you don't have the chance. So you accept plan bland as the alternative.

Personally, I find this to be very necessary in life. From my position as a politician even more so.

I have to deal with so many taste like chicken alternatives in terms of the things that deal with the public. Oh they might want steak or something better and expensive, but we don't have it in our social kitchen.

So we have to come up with an alternative that we cope with on some level that makes everyone at best shrug their shoulders. They accept it, but nobody is jumping up and down about it.

Somehow we all survive. It doesn't mean we love the dullness, but we do survive. And that taste of chicken lingers in our mouth. Not good, not bad, just there.

However, it does cut down on the frustration of people expecting miracles. They are content with a lot more whew! Which is the gratitude you have for when something works even though it isn't what you want.

Course that part never gets included in the usual stuff you expect from democracy. But we just add it into the ingredients we call daily diet.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED

I have no idea who came up with this wonderful saying, but it sure wasn't me. Let me tell you, the one thing I know is you normally never consider all things.

Would be nice I suppose if we did, but I have noticed that to be our nature. Instead our first reaction is to be based on whether or not we enjoyed something. You know, if we enjoyed it, then we probably don't care about all the crap that bugged us.

If on the other hand we were just left with a major headache, then you can be sure we are going to consider all aspects. Mainly, in hopes of finding somebody to blame. That is always very important.

It is bad enough to feel crappy when things don't work out, who needs to feel guilty too? So it is just so much nicer to feel that somebody else was to blame.

My interpretation here you understand. Part of the Limburger guide to sane living. Which never includes thinking about anything that might suggest it was your fault.

That is my approach and I'm darn proud of it. Really is such a wonderful way to get through life.

In any case what does inspire me to the all things considered moments is when I truly enjoy something and want to figure a way to improve things. That way I can even enjoy it more later.

Course that does require thought. And to be honest there are times when I just don't feel inclined to want that kind of effort if I have a reason to celebrate.

It can wait for later. A whole lot later if I had success at something. Which can or can not be times I care to dwell upon.

For you see if I was successful at something and it was only barely, then I might feel inclined to think in those terms as much as if I did it easily. Call it being picky, but that is me.

Now for the rest of you wonderful people that is a different issue. You can sit and feel good about whatever, but you don't have to give it thought unless it helps in some way.

As for the bad moments, well those you can jus do you best to forget. Either way the key here is enjoy on some level.

Ah, I'm sure with my help everyone can go on to a more fruitful and satisfying time of reflecting in some way that gives a person a reason to smile. You don't have to you understand.

Just a friendly suggestion from you old Uncle Rash.

A BURST OF PRIDE

Oh the joy when this is for the right reasons. There is just no better feeling than knowing you are good at something and did it successfully.

On the other hand if you are bragging just to impress and making the whole thing up, it is really stupid. I treat it as stupid because the only thing that comes out of such situations is you end up embarrassing yourself. Which is fine if you enjoy looking like an idiot, but I personally am not thrilled by that option.

Besides, the other big problem is you might start shooting your mouth off to impress somebody who is better at whatever than you are. Bragging without knowing who you are talking too is definitely not a wise option.

So the first rule is to be sure you are totally aware with whom you are having a conversation. If you aren't sure, then best to wait to you are.

There are also a few suggestions in terms of talking to the person. Like ask his or her opinion on whatever.

That way if you find out the person is an expert on something you think you are great at, you can spare yourself any grief or humiliation. Course if you are talking to a member of the opposite you are scamming on then you have even more reason to want to be careful.

Because proving yourself to be a first class clown will not make the ladies fall for you. That is pretty much a guarantee.

Then too you also have to be careful if you are going to claim something to impress that special gal you just meant then you best not claim anything you have to prove. That can definitely not be a good choice.

It can be so awkward if you stand there sucking in your gut and claim you exercise all the time and she says, so does she. Then in order to not let her know you were bluffing, you have to agree to meet her at the gym.

Can I hear an ouch to that one? Honestly, it can be so silly if you let your mind drift to only thinking of getting lucky.

I have to admit to being guilty of that at times. I'm not proud of the fact, but one hopefully learns from these big set backs.

And if you work it right, then the last disaster doesn't intrude upon the next effort. You can just be sure you don't get seen by the same person.

The nice thing is when we are talking about going to different bars, then between the booze and dim lighting you can generally manage to not meeting the same person. If however you do run into that person, well you can always claim to have a twin.

DO IT AGAIN

There are definitely things worth repeating. Only in some cases no matter how much you like to do them more than once, there are reasons you can't do them as often as you like.

I imagine a few might have a certain idea in mind when I say that, but I honestly am speaking more in general terms. Basically anything that requires something beyond our lives in order for it to happen.

Which most of the time comes down to issues like money. There are so many things you can buy with the green stuff.

Okay, true, you can't buy happiness. Not the type they sing about in movies. But let's be honest here, you can sure put a dent in the rain of misery with a tent of greenbacks better than some other things.

So it leaves us with a gap in our lives. We have such incredible needs to let our dreams be a reality. Only how do you achieve that?

Well now if your dreams are for say to meet the most beautiful and sexy alien in the universe, money sure won't happen with that. Which is one of those in your dreams moments you can forget seeing for real.

Meanwhile, for those of us with some sense of reality, the one more time thing comes down to selective actions. Basically, looking at it as an investment of time and resources.

So it just is a question of where to best invest both. You can do it by sticking the money in the bank naturally. A wise choice to a degree, but hardly the only sane one.

That is in terms of trying to think of life as opportunities. I like the idea of being rich as much as the next person, but honestly I don't want to be miserable in the process.

And that is the part I avoid, dreaming of greed without lust. After all if you horde the booty and do nothing with it, then it is a waste.

Again, that is my philosophy and thank goodness I get to make it a reality. Course there are times when it is at the price of somebody else's dreams.

But then you know, I try to be sure I keep focused on what is important. Mainly to me that means not letting myself get depressed when the bucks don't add up.

At least I am creative enough to find some other means of having fun. Which often results in compromises.

Only I can't always tell the people I'm sucking dry that they are doing all the compromising. I do try and say thank some times.

STOP THAT

Now being the sagging pillar of restraint that I am, normally, this is not advice I ever say to anyone. Unless, it is to tell them to stop disturbing me with doing something stupid.

Outside of that I normally, don't bother with telling anyone they have to stop doing anything, especially that feels good. That works for some of the bible thumpers who want you to stop doing just about everything. Except for giving them money. Which they certainly never want to stop you doing and wish you would do even more.

Naturally, if you did it till you were broke, that would be perfect in their view. Then of course they would naturally want you to be sure you didn't do anything while broke except sit at home and thing good thoughts.

But enough about the la-la of fantasy boredom with some divine wrath hinted at by those who don't enjoy anything anyway. My interpretation you understand.

For the rest of us, my policy is go for it. Just don't bother me with it. I don't need details, or any other crap about you idea of fun.

But naturally, you do at times need to have to make allowance for those occasions when somebody has a reason to need to boast about something. Like if some guy happens to get lucky with some woman he thought was out of his league.

Now that I don't mind hearing about. Heck, I'll even want details. Including the woman's name and phone number for future reference.

What I don't need to hear about his somebody's vacation to some place totally boring. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work for me when I have to look at pictures of somebody who visited a museum or a national park.

That is just me perhaps, but personally I don't need those details, for me that is utterly boring. And you can be sure no matter how much I act interested, I'm not in reality.

However, if you are talking about some place where you partied all night and ended up in the company of some woman you never met, then tell me more. I will be more than happy to listen.

Up to the point you start acting goofy. By that I mean you end up drifting off the good stuff in terms of starting to tell me about a good deal you got on a potted plant. Yeah, that will really hold my attention.

Fortunately, I do have the benefit of fabricating meetings when the time comes. Which with some people and their inability to take a hint happens every time we meet.

It is a little detail we just savor on my part without telling them. That way I save the grief of answering too many questions I prefer to not talk about.

SEE IF I CARE

This is sometimes such great advice. You just have to let some people do stupid things. And when they till you they are going to act on something that might cause you to panic, you just have to pretend it is okay.

Naturally in reality you are sitting there nearly crapping your pants. All you can think is, "oh god, I'm screwed now." You just can't tell them that.

Because obviously if there is the slightest hope they will change their mind you will ruin it if you dare to pretend you are worried. So you have to act like it is no big deal.

And you have to keep faking it till the person leaves you office. Then you panic all you want. And do it while picking up the phone to call for help.

Normally for me that means contacting my buddy Hugo Muckraker, ace reporter for the local newspaper. His services so often help me with these kinds of situations.

It is just a matter for me of making sure we figure out the best way to screw this jerk up. That is without him knowing about it.

Which is the tricky part. Timing is everything. You have to be so sure you don't mess up and let this person know you are plotting some revenge.

Because that is the biggest way to have them rat you out before you are ready to strike back. So sometimes you have to act like a real jerk to make them think they can control you with fear.

There are times naturally when you also have to get so creative. Like planning such a wonderful means of totally ruining the other person.

See, the problem with some people it isn't enough to just get revenge, you need to totally destroy the person. As harsh as it sounds, it really is a fact of life with some people.

All the time naturally you have to act like it is no big deal on your end. Even the fact of knowing about it can just give you motivation to not give up finding a way to be sure person doesn't do it again.

Ah, it is a silliness I suppose. But then so much in life is. Which is why I enjoy not pretending it has to make sense.

At least with my approach nobody gets depressed. That is the best part. For if you can at least get them to do other than act stupid on this threat thing, you have a hope you can spare yourself some grief.

Works for me at least. But there is little that doesn't in that regard. I feel so blessed as you can tell.

GO AHEAD

Yep, be my guess. Knock yourself out. Race out there and do me proud. I'll be waiting to congratulate you when you are done.

I just hope you appreciate if I don't feel the inspiration to join you. I'm all for such enthusiasm. I will help you celebrate too.

Just do it without expecting me to join you. Nothing personal you understand, I just don't feel inclined to participate.

Why? Ah, now we come to the greater problem. Which to me is about the clash between dreams and reality.

My interpretation you understand. Nothing is sadder in my view that enthusiasm, which is grounded in stupidity.

And unfortunately it seems to be the most impressive kind. Like if I'm going to put my butt on the line, I'm going to do it in a way that is utterly insane.

The biggest problem for me I guess is that most of the time when I experience somebody getting such inspiration it is someone who has never risked anything before. So in order to prove they can, they go overboard.

It is an emotional thing and not one based or driven by logic. So while they will give you a long list of reasons they are going to act nuts, it still comes down to be something that is stupid in my book.

You just can't get them to see it that way. Which is why I always end up in the same situation. You have to let them rush out and be stupid.

Then at some point when they run into a wall, you get to deal with them and savor their more sane approach. They calm down and life returns to normal. At least as normal as it gets where I live.

And let me tell you when I speak of normal, it probably would not come close to most places. There is just something about a place that is boring which brings out the insanity in people.

That translates into a lethargy, which exists as practically as hobby or lifestyle. Which translates simply into the most intense over reaction when somebody decides to do something.

Wisdom dictates in such situations that you avoid letting their rambling insanity sway you into believing they know what they are doing. I learned from bitter experience to avoid that. Sadly too late to avoid a couple of incidents that fortunately were not put in the paper thanks to my buddy, Hugo.

NOPE

A simple word so easy to say, but so hard to actually get out of the mouth. And it probably will always be that way.

Oh it might not have to be, but let's be honest, most people don't love disappointing others in a way that makes them made at you. And these days with so many insane people out there, it is definitely not a good or wise choice.

So, unless we feel safe to say it, we just aren't inclined to say nope. At least not directly. That is simply too challenge and too risky.

Instead we do it indirectly, though our actions. And I say hurray to that option. It might not be the pillar of courage to squat in fear, but it sure keeps you out of the line of fire when things go wrong.

Of course there are always the hero types. Well they stand out for their courage. But not always their brains.

I just am not inclined to warm up to the idea you know of being admired if it means you are dead. Hard to cash in on the benefit that way.

Personally, I do enjoy being treated as a hero, I just don't get thrilled by the price you have to pay.

The ideal situation is to be able to get the attention and praise for being courageous while the whole time letting somebody end up paying the price. That really works for me.

Now how that matters to the issue of nope is the times you need to make sure somebody else gets the blame for the nope. Yep, that is the safest approach.

But then it can be difficult to accomplish at times. We do our best if we are plotting enough to make it somebody else's problems, but it doesn't always help.

So that is where a good lie help to smooth out the difficulties. Yep, it really does make a difference in being sure you say nope without actually saying it.

And it can be tricky finding a way to blame it on somebody you can be sure won't find out you blamed it on them. We really need to do that if we want to avoid any headaches.

Hopefully, it will touch us in a way that won't grab out throat either. Now that is really important.

And the joy is when we succeed all is right in our world. It might be crap in somebody else's, but as long as we enjoy peace then great.

I hope you savor the joy of my advice. Just don't blame me if it doesn't work. Otherwise if asked, I'll have to say, nope I didn't do say it.

LET'S MAKE A SQUEAL

For myself there is no such thing sweeter than ratting out someone you hate. Just makes me tingle all over at the idea.

But alas sometimes you have to rat out others too. Which can be a little painful, but heck when you have no choice you cope.

See the basic fact here is that there are times when you just have to do what you have to do. There is only one way to accomplish it, making sure somebody else takes the fall.

I know that sounds crappy, but honestly, the way I figure it, we all benefit in the process. It could be so insane have to upset the fragile fabric of local government if I was to allow myself to end up confessing everything I ever did wrong.

Plus, I know perfectly well, I am in partners with saints. Most would rat me out in a heartbeat if they could.

We just try to avoid that kind of risk. Or I should say I do. It can be tricky figuring that part out when you are messing with so many people who are by nature liars. Trust is definitely not a strong point in such situations.

So we always end up in a gentlemen's agreement. Which sounds great. Only not of us acts like a gentleman.

In any case when we shake hands it feels good to pretend we can trust each other. Course that doesn't in any way affect my awareness that they are most likely planning something kind of sneaky.

Which is why I prefer to rat them out first. But not before I make sure that I suck them dry of anything I can.

Yep, it sounds really selfish, but with my crowd it is one of those deals that everyone is involved with. So from my view there is no big deal in doing to them before they would do unto me.

Fortunately for me, I do manage to do unto them more than they do unto me. That definitely doesn't upset me. Oh I'm sure it pisses them off, but hey, fair is fair.

Okay, true it isn't necessarily fair, but I'm happy with the results. So far at least. I might change my mind down the road. If the result ever change.

For the time being my rule in these situations is better them than me. A find tradition that I honor in true respect for my Limburger family history. We have a long, if less that honorable past of double dealing.

And I wouldn't want to be disrespectful of my family now would I? Don't answer that.

THE PRICE IS NEARLY RIGHT

This might be hard for some to believe, but I'm not anywhere near as greedy as anyone assumes. I didn't say I wasn't greed, just not quite as selfish as is my reputation.

Admittedly, I do find it necessary to milk situations and people so I can achieve my desires. But then I'm a politician.

Which for me is a great excuse. Like I can say, hey it's not really my fault. Well, it isn't! Not from my view.

Actually, I blame it on the system. Yes, that's right I'm taking the easy way out and saying it is the system's fault.

There are just too many times when I end up not being able to work within the predictable and rules. I'm sorry, but way too many people expect more.

You can see it in their eyes. While their lips might claim they want nothing more than the predictable and what is just. Only the being just part sort of gets lost behind lots reasons people come up with for thinking they should be an exception to the rule.

Naturally, they don't care that I've been told this dozens of times in the course of the month. Nor do they believe that somehow their situation shouldn't deserve special consideration.

Oh I can take the approach of saying something like, "Gee, I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that for ethical reasons." That really goes over great.

And even though I know it is the proper answer and they know it too, you can be sure they don't want to hear it. That is very clear by the tone of their voice.

So I play the game of unspoken rules where you don't have any witnesses and never talk about who really wins. Oh you do keep score naturally, but only talk about it when you are by yourself.

All is my way of saying that I have adjusted my behavior to allow for reality. Which also relates to my price.

At least in terms of things like how much of a contribution I need to be cooperative in terms of helping in ways not covered by usual terms. That all comes down to being sure I keep my fee at a level which inspires return customers.

I do have to factor in things like all the leeches who I have that suck me dry. And depending upon how many are holding on to me will depend upon how much I get to charge.

In the end, I do try to be sure I don't any of this creative stuff for free. Maybe I don't get rich, but hopefully I don't end up broke either. That part I manage so far pretty well, just not that I will admit to.

OR NOT

Ah the impulse of the moment. To toss out some inspiration and hope it will be greeted by such touching response.

Then come those, "you got to be kidding" stares. That's when you know you're screwed. Because there is no way after that stare you can expect the person to agree.

So the quickest comeback is to say, or not. Which is basically to avoid the shame of looking like an idiot when you thought things were one way and finding out that you weren't even close.

Of not to me is OOPS without having to say it. That for me pretty much is a way to avoid any potential disaster in terms of what some one might conclude from other than what you want them to believe is true.

I'm grateful this doesn't come up too often. I don't think I could handle it if I had to do this or not all the time. I would feel like an idiot.

But every once and a while there is no choice. You just end up blowing it. Time for doing what you can to save face.

And if all of this sounds boring, you're right it is. That is the whole point, sometimes you are stuck facing what is boring.

The trick is to try and avoid admitting it is boring. Which is where the or not needs to be creative.

See you don't have to say or not as such. What you need to do is make it an option. So if the person snarls at your first suggestion you can come back with what hopefully is a better one.

Only you have to be sure it is not similar to the first one. Otherwise they end up thinking you are an idiot.

They might have wondered about it after your first suggestion, but they will definitely decide it is true if you make a bad second choice. Which means the second choice better be well planned out.

This can be tough to manage if you are panicking. It is not the time to let somebody else discover the real you.

These are moments that call for rising to the challenge to avoid being yourself. To through away the mirror and see yourself as a god.

If that doesn't work, you just pretend to be somebody else. Preferably a person of quality. That might be a stretch, but it is better than looking like who you really are.

READY AND READY

Well the traditional phrase is generally ready or not. As in you are going to get stuck with stuck with something whether you like it or not.

Which is sort of knowing it doesn't matter if you want something to occur you have to deal with it anyway. Only you don't have to honestly something you concern yourself with in terms of necessarily being prepared. Like if you aren't ready you can fake it.

That is fine if you are in a position where it doesn't matter if something happens. However, if it matters then you can just fake it.

That is what I'm talking about in this situation, where you have a choice of being ready or being ready. And believe me those are the worse times for me.

Mainly because you are forced to deal with some problem and if you don't you can get i big trouble. Most of the time the pain in the butt is that others set you up for this.

Which always ends up in you finding out too late to stick some other sucker with the task. And naturally if you don't want to end up looking like an idiot you figure a way to be sure things get done.

Only problem is since you weren't prepared if the project takes any thought, you often have to lie in order to create the illusion you know what you are doing. Because the one thing you can't do is let the person know how incompetent you really are.

That you can't afford under any circumstances. After all, you've spent so much time making sure people don't know how truly inept you are.

So you generally have to act fast. Which again only means more lies. And it is tough because they have to be believable.

Then comes the real problem. You have to figure a way to honestly do something too. That can truly make things unbearable.

For me the way I have learned to cope with this deal is to have a group of emergency options available. I even keep a small card in my wallet for just such situations.

The tricky part is figuring a way to be sure you can check out the card without the other person suspecting it is all rehearsed. That always requires some kind of diversion.

I know, none of that would be necessary if I just had myself ready to always do my job. That is the kind of perverted thinking that causes all kinds of problems from my point of view.

Only wish I could inspire others to appreciate such issues better. It just gets so exhausting at times coming up with new lies.

ROUGHING IT

Everyone has their own concept of roughing it. For me it is not camping in the middle of nowhere with the bugs and beasts. No thank you for that choice.

That might work for those loonies who are nature lovers. They are entitled to their opinions. And always in my view as long as they keep their opinion to themselves, I'm happy.

I can't speak for anyone else naturally in that regard, but I have never seen the appeal in all this back to nature stuff anyway. The way I look at man worked so hard to get to the point where he could be fat and lazy without starving, why mess it up?

Which is probably why I will always wonder about the benefit people thing they are gaining from such outings? They are welcome to them from my view.

For myself roughing it is having to spend time with my family. Now that is really enduring hardship for a guy like me.

I do it for the sake of maintaining my public image as a servant of the people and also you know to tolerate the need for being regarded as a loving family man. Now I am a family man. So if you don't insert the loving part it works for me.

Only I can't tell the voters that part. So there are times when I get stuck having to tolerate doing things with them.

We do what we can to avoid making it too long. Basically we pick somewhere that gives us a photo opportunity. Like some special event.

The tricky part is timing. We have to be sure we can all show up at the same time. Normally we can't stand each other enough to ride together so we have to be sure we arrive at the same time, but out of sight so we can walk in together.

Then we stay long enough to get our picture taken together. Afterwards we make it look like we care about each other. That always costs me you understand. At least I can figure a way to suck the city coffers dry to pay for that bribe. After all I wouldn't even have to do it if I didn't have to keep this darn image in the first place.

What I have learned is to not try to take these opportunities to a point where we have some kind of restaurant option. For being stuck together for a whole meal can be very terrible. That is roughing it big time.

Plus there is too much risk that my wife or I will run into one of our motel pals. That can be so difficult to have a decent conversation in such situations. You know you can't discuss things like your next outing in such situations.

So dinner is one option we avoid. Yep, lots of rules for us in that regard. Which is all part of the roughing thing.

DINING OUT

This is always so appealing. Well, providing it is going somewhere decent. To fast food places don't count.

Oh they are okay in terms of a place to get something to eat. But I'm talking about really eating. You know where it is more than about food.

That's right, I'm talking about when you go out to savor more than just a good meal. You want atmosphere and the pure luxury of being waited on by people who lie to you and pretend they like you.

It is all a wonderful illusion that if you treat it right, will be lots of fun. So go ahead and enjoy, just have the best time you ever had. I know you probably don't need me to say that, but I just tossing it out anyway.

Probably because I see so many who do eat out and sometimes it seems like they really aren't enjoying themselves. Which seems to kind of defeat the purpose of the experience.

You see them in the restaurant scanning the menu, eyes sort of dull like they do this every day. And naturally they have lost any real capacity for enjoying it as a special event.

So I think the primary issue is being sure you approach this whole event with a strategy of making it feel great. And there are lots of ways to do that.

Which I probably don't even need to mention, except for the problem of indifference. Basically when fun stops being fun and starts being a chore.

Life has plenty of daily chores. And eating is a requirement, but it doesn't mean we can try to enjoy it.

I just devoting this posting to the general rambling of how life is so short and we need to truly savor the special moments. I mean either way, regardless if you enjoy it or not, you end up paying for the tab to eat out.

See, you needed to be reminded of that fact. So come on and put that brain to work. Look at that main course you are ordering and think of it as something you want to inhale totally and completely without complaint and just with fun.

Now for me to enhance my appreciation of such moments I always prefer the company of some dining companion who inspires me to more appetite. Which just improves the taste since I always look forward to that partner being responsible for dessert.

Yeah, I went the obvious route. What do you expect? I never change my view of what is tasty. And you can only enjoy it better with the right, um, seasonings. Course it helps when it is in the right package too.

I have my idea on that type, I'm sure you do too.

DINING IN

Well this can be fun. And it can also be depressing. Depending on where you are eating and why.

For example if you are eating in as in a hotel room where they serve you some glorious gourmet meal that is great. Naturally if you happen to be in the company of some nice rent a date that is going to provide dessert, even better to be eating in.

I guess that is enough drooling for this posting on that option. So let me move on. Which naturally brings me to the great issue of eating in when you don't want to.

This is for me like eating in at the office for lunch because you either don't have the money to eat out or are too busy. So you send out for pizza or whatever.

Unfortunately it often means you end up having lunch with your secretary or assistant. People that in my case I go to lunch to get away from.

So you can imagine that when I have to eat with them, I'm not a happy camper. It does not make me thrilled at all and even less so when I have to pay for it.

Of course that is no where near as bad as having to spend lunch with anybody who you absolutely despise. And there are way too many of them in my city.

Topping my list is Lance Allworthy, Mr. All-american, never has a bad hair day, pain in the butt city councilman. I might even cope okay if we could have lunch without the darn harp music that plays whenever he is around. God that it so annoying.

Plus Lance is the kind of dude who doesn't drink, smoke, eats healthy, doesn't lie and even is faithful to his wife. Is that sick or what?

Honestly, if he even had a single flaw I might be okay. But this guy is so disgusting. And his idea of take out is from some place that sells produce.

Now I ask you is that really fair? I mean honestly, it is bad enough I have to be with a dude that really wants to help people, do I have to be denied booze and grease too?

It really makes me so sick at my stomach to spent time with a guy who thinks eating raw vegetables is a good thing. Then he really drives me nuts by actually proposing we do something nice for people. And not just the ones that give me bribes.

Which is so scary. What would happen if I had to treat everyone equal? I can't even imagine that nightmare.

Why the next thing you know it would lead to equality. That would really be so awful. I can't even imagine the horror it will cause.

At least I only have to have him ruin my meals one and a while. That makes the other times easy to accept.

Back Brace

Now the usual kind of back brace is used to suppose the spine in some way. The type I'm talking about is where the brace is intended to cover your back. Basically a best friend who really acts like a friend.

The big problem is that you can never be truly sure if someone will cover your back till they have to. Often by then it is too late to find out they won't either.

It can be so hard to tell with some people what they will do under pressure. Honestly it is very difficult with some too predict.

I've had more than my share of failures in that part too. Which I blame myself for. Yes, I really do.

Essentially, the thing is I assume most people can be corrupted. And the thing that really is amazing is how often the person who acts like they have morals is the biggest sucker for being corrupted.

Oh it might seem hard to believe, but it really isn't. Because a lot of time the more they talk about ethics the more you can be sure they don't actually have any. As if they are trying to convince themselves.

That isn't always the case. You do have to be careful because some times you meet a person who really does mean what they say. It is rare, but it does happen.

Fortunately, that isn't the norm. So you don't have to worry about it very much. Just have to be aware it can be an issue.

Course for me, since I do have to have a certain number of allies in the plot to con, I must be willing to take certain risks. Just not as many as I might as like at times for safety's sake.

Whenever possible I do take time to sort of get a person a trial period. Yeah, just check them out and make sure they can be really trusted on small things.

I just never forget that such people are always on probation tell we reach the big leagues. And if they disappoint in any way you can be sure I will not add them to my final roster.

But in the meantime you can just sort of do what you can to fit people and see if they can work as a back brace. Asking a favor helps.

Till you are sure, just keep a good list of which ones worked in the past. Sometimes it will be a short list, but you never are sure at times.

In my case, I never assume any brace will always work. Sometimes they wear out. You just always have to keep checking.

VIRGINITY

Okay, this is not about the obvious. That would be too easy. I'm speaking about a simple issue of the experiences of life that you have for the first time, so before then you have not data to know what it is like.

Now if one speaks of traditional concepts of virginity then we all understand you are speaking of the special aspect of intimacy in life as it relates to relationships. Which everyone appreciates.

We never have a problem accepting that area of virginity. It's not problem since we do all have that in common.

But sometimes I think it is much harder to feel that way about some experiences in life we assume should just come natural. It is like all guys are born natural mechanic and all women should naturally be great cooks.

For some reason we decide that we can't admit when we don't how to do some things. In my personal experiences I understand this totally, but I still won't admit when I'm lost when driving.

I know, it is silly and dumb, but I can't help myself. I hate to confuse being that much of a virgin about things like reading a map. Oh I've read one before, but there are lots of details about reading a map that I have tried or even know.

So that ends up with me telling myself, "oh eventually, I take the time to figure it out," but I never do. Instead, I just end up driving around, feeling totally stupid when I get lost, but never in anyway wanting to actually stop and accept I'm lost.

But, you know, from what I've seen, I'm not alone. And let me tell you I think I've seen lots of guys out there with stupid looks on their faces while appreciating they think the same as I do.

Oh this is just one aspect of many in that regard. My goodness, there are so many fun times when nobody wants to admit their ignorant.

Where is it written that every guy is a descendant of Daniel Boone when it comes to camping? You would think so from the way some guys act in the woods.

Oh yeah, I've seen the blunder in that regard. Ever tried to try and start a fire without any matches by rubbing two sticks together?

I tried it and only got splinters in the process. Enough said? Yep, enough for me. I'll do what I can in the meantime to just keep the rest my little secret.

And if by chance you see me on the street, just don't smile too wide when you notice I keep looking confuse. Grant me that much please.

Nearly New

Nearly new and used are not necessarily the same thing. Well not in my view. See, used to me is one step from totally worn out.

Whereas nearly new can mean it was not used, just maybe sitting on some shelf for a while. So it isn't new, but wasn't used enough to be called used.

Those for me are the kinds of bargains you can find at times. Like in estate sales. I never mind checking them out for some nearly new gems that might be purchased cheaply.

Now adding to that appeal is dealing with the, ahem, grieving family members. Yeah, I'm talking about the ones who are sitting there with dollars signs and wondering much granny's crap will fetch. Sentiment is not the motivation here.

So naturally, all they want to do is get rid of the crap. Oh they will call them keepsakes, but not the kind they plan on keep for anybody's sakes.

But I do let them play their game and create the illusion they are sad. However, I know the truth so I just pretend to believe them when they ask a given price.

The thing is often since it is something they never actually have a clue about in terms of the real price. Their lust just gets the best of them.

Which is why I can just stand there and savor toying with their minds a bit. I just you know act like I'm not really interested.

Then I make them squirm a tad. You know look at the item and make comments about any flaws.

That normally is good for making them squirm a bit. Which only helps me in terms of getting the price down a tad.

Now if I really see something valuable sometimes I will call up a few people to go buy and look at it, but not buy it. Then when I go by the people are definitely panicked.

Ah, it really is the little things that do make a difference. And I truly love collecting all those precious mementoes from such great experiences.

Just brings a tear to my eye at times. The joy that comes for a well thought out plan. There is no other feeling quite like it.

Alas, I do so wish there was a way to embrace such feelings so much more. But then ther just aren't enough people who die with big estates.

Perhaps I need to work on that part. Yeah, that's it, I'm going to see what I can do to improve that situation. Guess I'll talk to mortuary folks on that one.

GONE

Now this can be the most wonderful feeling in the world at times. You just can feel so great when some things aren't around to give you grief.

It is almost as exciting as feeling you went to heaven, only it never lasts forever. Wish it did. And maybe in part that is what makes heaven, heaven. You get to miss out on all the crappy people that piss you off. They are just gone.

I don't think that means they went to the other place, just aren't around you. And that for me would help to make it heaven that's for darn sure.

Well, that is nice when thinking of people naturally, but doesn't necessarily apply to some other things. Like when cars break down or some other thing you have to depend on acts up.

The one thing you want the most is to get rid of that problem. You want it gone, period. And it doesn't matter how you just want to not think about it ever again.

I only wish it were that easy. In order to achieve this lofty goal at times you have to depend unfortunately on people. Yeah, that is the biggest problem.

And the best thing you can do in that case is be sure you find some person you won't have to deal with again. That is the biggest key.

Because the problem is that too often you end up with some viper that will figure some way to make you addicted to their services. They will want you to sign up for all kinds of deals.

Which only makes for more headaches. So then you have to figure a way to get them off your back too.

That means no agreeing to any long term service contracts, no being added to a mail list or agreeing to any thing else. I don't care how much the guy smiles and pretends you are his best friend.

Rest assured that despite the smile and all the other ways he wants to make you believe he is your friend. He won't be. He'll figure some way to suck you dry.

So part of gone is avoiding that insanity. Which can be difficult if you are trying to make a gone from the problem too.

My advice is that one be sure to ask the simple question in that regard. Can one survive without this smiling clown?

If you can say yes, then drive on and find somebody else who hopefully understand gone too.

REWARDS

You know at Christmas time they always talk about many happy returns. Only I don't think they mean what I think it ought to mean.

When they say many happy returns so often it seems like they are talking about returns as in the feel goods. Having them return to you over and over.

Wish that my relatives understood how they don't count with me as part of the returns that make me happy. For me the many happy returns would be them returning home without bothering to visit me.

Alas that is my Christmas wish and it never comes true. I do get to dream about it though. And the fun part is every once and a while one of them moves away. Then the many happy returns is when they never return here.

Only somehow they still manage some excuse to show up during the holidays. I even tried moving and they still found me. Like that made my Christmas.

But let me tell you, the best part of the holiday is when I finally return home and they have left. That makes the holiday so special.

If I'm truly fortunate then my wife and kids have returned to the stores or wherever else I can inspire them to go so I can be left alone. That is for me the best part.

Because while they are our returning to their idea of fun, I'm returning to home to return to my own idea of fun. Which is so much easier without their interference.

Now naturally, the best part is when I can also manage to buy enough crap so they end up with a need to return it after the holidays and get what they want. Funny how they never appreciate how that is planned on my part.

But they never complain either. They just go out with lust in their hearts and traveling by a tail wind of greed.

If I have worked it right, they won't come home for hours. By then I can work up my strategy for bogus meetings to attend so I can return to my own idea of my night life.

Funny how returns can be such a blessing. The best part is when you have them for one plan and nobody knows the truth.

Those are the moments I cherish the best. It is a return on my evil plans that truly works. Makes me so proud too.

Only I can't say anything. That is the hard part. If I did then it would totally ruin the return feature.

Alas there are times when silence is gold, even if you are doing it to make something trash so it will get returned.