GIVE A LITTLE, TAKE A LOT

This is in a way an extension on my last posting having to do with the subject of giving. Only the Limburger concept of giving is more of an issue of doling out whatever you to give in order to get what you really want.

Last time had to do with revenge. This one has to do with plain old GREED! Yep, I’m telling you folks that the one thing I love is giving a nice token of illusion care and concern that gets someone to lower their defense and give me whatever I want.

You see as I’ve come to assess it the majority of giving falls under that category. Oh we have the supposed façade of humanitarianism, but too me the core of that is doing things to get attention for yourself or some other kind of benefit. So if one is honest, which isn’t likely it is really driven by selfish motives.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this whole area of giving is in the area of religion. Have you ever notice how the big harpers on giving are never poor? They want you to be poor by dangling that carrot out there that you’ll get a big reward for dropping all your cash into their coffers.

So while they are off in Bermuda enjoying your gold then they expect you to wait for heaven to sent you some divine money gram of a blessing. You hardly notice them doing the waiting do you?

I have to confess that I am jealous. Yep, I’m totally in pure envy of their little game. It is such a marvelously creative program having God as your partner. You get to ask for donations in return for heavenly blessings as a return on your investment. It’s a great program.

I just wish as a politician I had such choices. I have to rely upon taxes and nobody like those. I can offer you salvation or blessings, just my need to pick your pocket.

I suppose if I could weave God into it somewhere that would help. But I imagine that if that was the case somebody would be griping about how I was violated the separation of church and state.

What is a poor money grubbing rat like me to do? Do you really expect me to live on MY salary? Are you kidding?

Nope, I refuse to be a civil servant who has to be down right broke as long as I can figure a way to gleam a few extra bucks for myself from some source. And if you don’t like it, no problem.

You are more than welcome to run for office yourself and take a shot at sucking the public dry. Just be sure you do it in some other city than mine. I’ve pretty much got my staked out and sucked dry. So I don’t need the aggravation of that kind of help. Best of luck in your efforts!

GIVE AND BREAK

Some might assume that I mean either give and take or give them a break. But I do mean what the title says, “give and break.”

This translates into simply giving, which well I don’t do as a rule unless I can take in the process and break as I breaking another person’s will. Ergo, you give them grief to the point you break their spirit. In other words, passing on a big heaping mound of revenge! And loving it, I might add, if that is necessary.

I’ve heard all that bible thumper jargon on the concept of spiritual revenge. You sit back get your ass beat and then scream to God, go sick em boss. Okay, okay, I’m paraphrasing way too much. But the general idea is you don’t plot and plan to get even.

Now that approach is fine as long as you don’t worry about the jerk who ripped you off actually getting what he deserves. I mean can you really depend upon the almighty to get around to whacking some jerk by your timetable? I don’t mean any disrespect, but let’s be honest our supreme being is immortal and he does have a whole universe to run. None of us knows if he say, issues some divine memo to an angel to take care of the problem. What if the angel is on a coffee break? Fair is fair, let’s face it, immortals hardly worry about punching a time clock. So maybe the angel’s idea of a coffee break is a month. Shoot he could be on vacation. It is hard to say how long those last.

Thus the memo sits in his in-box tell he gets back from wherever angels go for vacation. Heck maybe by the time he’s got back the jerk who ripped you off is dead. Then what?

Which is why having managed to think of all those things, I just simply observe it is better to not get frustrated and do what you can to solve the problem and not bother the big guy. Seems like a good plan on my part.

The hard part is making sure you don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Instead you take a breath, exhale and then cling to a vision of planning the perfect way to make the other jerk’s life a living hell.

Come on give out that creative. Enjoy it. Plan a wonderful way of breaking the spirit of the other jerk.

If you do it right you get to do the happy dance on the person’s grave. Er, I should say metaphorically speaking of course, lest I should risk any chance of saying something for which I might end up risking some kind of incrimination.

Anyway, I assume you get the general idea on this whole thing that I’m suggesting you find a way to savor those smiles. And if somebody robs you of it then do what you have to in order to get it back. That folks to me is the smart choice. If you want to be stupid and thing the other jerk isn’t plotting revenge knock yourself out. As for me, I count on it and that is why I get even before they do whenever possible.

GEMS

Now is either a hunk of stone that you have to put in a ring or necklace, a very small donut or some pearl of thought. I’m fond of all three in case you are thinking of shopping for me for Christmas. Knowing the type of mind that generally reads what I write I imagine it would translate into the donut and I would get one out of a pack of six with teeth marks on it.

Gems that you might get in a jewelry store are always nice. Although as a rule I think guys get the short end in that department. You hear how diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but never how they are a guy’s best friend. The whole jewelry thing seems primarily geared towards the ladies as far as I’m concerned. Men normally get a chance to wear a watch and rings, but it just isn’t as big a priority for guys.

I mention that mainly to point out from my view that in reality the one type of “gem” that a guy like me can honestly except to enjoy is the pearl of thought. You sure can’t expect the first kind as a gift and the donut version tastes great, but the problem is I feel guilty when I eat them. So it is a matter from my view of which option actually works best.

The big difficulty with those pearls of thought is some aren’t as great a pearl as others. They might be in the mind of the person sharing it, but if I end up feeling a need to yawn then I don’t think of it as much of a gem.

I only wish that I had more people around me that weren’t so prone to something other than demented views of life. You can hardly get too many worthwhile gems in terms of thought if you start with a brain that is polluted with absurd philosophies.

Still, one can’t afford to discount the reality either that upon occasion even a few of these minds can have a real gem in their brain. I’m not sure it is worth wading through all the crap at times to get to the good stuff, but I keep trying.

Oh what a great day it would be if suddenly in one 24-hour time period all the little bent brains I encountered could manage a gem. The way I figure the reality is that there is only so many gems one can expect from the noggins of some of my help. So if I knew when they had peaked I could just enjoy ignoring them and get on with my life.

But no, it doesn’t work that way. Instead, I sit and listen to the panorama of curtailed clarity and the other ramblings, convincing myself the journey is going to be worth it.

On some occasions this process grants me a chance to steal a decent thought or two. I will revised it enough to avoid giving them credit. Those are the gems that truly sparkle for me.

Then there are the other moments. Those when I listen and end up in a mental corner asking, “huh?” It is one of those questions I hardly expect a decent answer. Instead I normally end up running away to some bar and using the liquid refreshment to help drown my mind in hopes of forgetting what I was told. I keep telling myself it is a living. It actually works on some occasions.

LET'S HAVE A PARADE

Over the last few years I have grown to truly dread those words. Not that I hate parades, I hate the illusion of a parade. I’m speaking of one’s where biggest and most entry in the parade is a gigantic purple gopher wearing a banana for a hat. That is not a good float in case for some reason you think it is.

Yet in Mediocrity it was the winning entry in this one parade we had. I have to admit that I was never that clear on why we even had the parade either. It wasn’t a holiday, nor founders day or any occasion when you generally have a parade.

It was more like during one of our council meetings a lady showed up to express concern that we didn’t have enough civic pride as a community. Her solution, which I made the mistake of asking for, was that we have a parade. Whoopie.

Once she mentioned the words “civic pride” nobody on the council was prepared to vote against the parade. So we had an “I love Mediocrity” parade.

By itself I can’t say it wasn’t commendable. There was admittedly a certain merit to the idea of celebrating our community. True, most of the time the citizens are so darn apathetic that about the only time they love to celebrate is when they either leave on vacation or have a chance to move away.

Still I didn’t figure it hurt to contemplate an event that could have served to be an uplifting time of encouragement within our community. That was the theory.

Well the thing was my original idea had been that I might set this whole thing up through a committee. When I don’t create bogus committees I do love using them as reward to those who suck up to me enough.

Unfortunately for me, this lady had a cell phone and the moment the council agree she called all her friends that they descendant upon the council chamber. Within a few minutes we had a packed audience. It was all composed of citizens anxious to do there share to make this event a glorious affair. That was what I was told. It turned out to be less than an accurate comment.

Now if I had known that most of these people were, shall we say, less than prone towards reality, I might have pushed more for a committee screening process. But they at the time did seem normal enough.

And even when I had a chance to attend one of their planning sessions, I honestly didn’t notice anything particularly strange. Oh there were a couple of times when I did get an inkling that perhaps they were a little different. However it was never enough to give me any real concern.

I wish now I had paid more attention. For it turned out their secret passion was artistic expressions of an abstract and metaphor nature. Boy was that a mistake. And no matter how the lady in charge tried to convince me that a gopher was somehow a metaphor for our city’s founding father, it still looked like a purple gopher to me. All I can say is that next year we won’t be having that parade.

PARADISE ALMOST AT COST

When I hear the word paradise I normally get this image of some South Pacific island teeming with half-naked and overly friendly native girls. Ah, it is to dream.

I have no idea what paradise is to other people, but if you’re speaking of anywhere in the known world you can be sure it won’t be a place you can go for free. In fact, with paradise there is almost always an added cost so you understand that you are in a paradise.

What do we do? We fork over the cash gladly to join the horde of other people all paying through the nose in hopes of escaping reality for a few moments. Let’s face it, reality in most places isn’t paradise. It sucks and sucks big time. So we all love the option of pretending there is a place where we aren’t nobodies and someone will lie to us and make us feel special for the right price.

Now the hard part is finding some place you can feel is like paradise that doesn’t cost a fortune. If you are really lucky you find it for just about the same fee it costs to be where things are crappy. Although between the travel agent fee, airline fee, hotel fee and god-knows who else will be standing there with their hand out fee, affordable and paradise seldom go together do they?

I can imagine somebody out there might be assuming that I am building people up to sell them on my idea of a great paradise. One I can get you a chance to visit for the right price. No, I have just opened up the Limburger Travel Agency and am looking for customers.

What I am suggesting is that with the right creative effort one might be able to find paradise at a reasonable fee. It depends on how willing you are to compromise and accept the concept of paradise other than what some people would consider paradise.

Which is why I have come to the simple point of view that what makes paradise actually paradise is that most of what we hate about life is not there. And the largest majority of that is of course PEOPLE. Yep, it can be your neighbor, a relative or co-worker that makes life where you live something other than paradise.

So what I say is make them go to paradise and spend a fortune. Then you can stay home, save all that money and have it be a paradise.

Isn’t that a nice clever option? I thought it was very practical in terms of enjoying your own world better. And if you are really lucky you could end up finding out that pesky person who went to the overpriced paradise bought it in a plane crash. Talk about having a chance to double your pleasure!

But some people might consider that tacky. Let them. From my point of view let them go to the paradise too. It just means more chances for joy while they are gone. Paradise, at a reasonable cost. A great idea whose time has come.

YOU AREN'T THERE

Boy there are plenty of cases that I sure do wish I could boast about this in terms of some people. I just want to tell them you are suppose to be OVER THERE! And there being on another planet.

In the city of Mediocrity we are hardly a hub for tourism. And we don’t have a great many sights to check out. Oh a few historical spots and some old history buildings, but no big amusement parks or annual events that people come for miles to check out. At least not that far away to regard it as more than just a short trip if they decide to come at all.

What happens then is that City Hall makes the hit parade of places to see. It is one of our older buildings so naturally that adds to the reason people would pick to visit it.

Which means that what few visitors we get from out of state who are generally visiting some relative will end up being dumped at city hall to gawk at our photos and statues. They may even poke fun at the help. But one thing we know is that they are often dumped there because their relatives can’t stand them. So it means we get to be their babysitters.

I honestly have to say that after dealing with some of these people it is real easy to see why their relatives would want to get rid of them for a while. Most are the type that will ask such brilliant questions such as “How come call it City Hall when you ain’t got a hall?”

Another fabulous question is something like, “Does the Mayor work here?” Sometimes I always hope the sharp employee will say, “Nope. He got transferred to a city with smart people.”

I am grateful though that I personally don’t have to deal with very many of these people myself. At least I only have to hear about them from some of my employees. And let me tell you that can be real scary at times.

The nice thing is that these visits seem to go in spurts. They often happen whenever some airline is offering a discount on traveling to places that nobody would otherwise go. Not that we have an airport in our city. But there is one close enough to make it possible to rent a car and get here if you have no real place to go and were just taking advantage of discount on airfare.

Perhaps the biggest clue I have that I’m dealing with somebody that is not a person I want to actually see is when I see somebody standing in our lobby and looking up at my picture with the name, “Mayor Rash Limburger” under it and is asking “Who is this clown?”

I have been tempted to ask the lobby guard express my appreciation for such comments with the use of his nightstick. But I have a feeling the person’s dull brain might not feel it.

SILVER LININGS

When I think of this I think in terms of treasure. Silver isn’t gold, but it isn’t hugs either. Some people talk about how every cloud has a silver lining. I think that is probably more an issue of them either haven’t a very bad pair of sunglasses or perhaps having taking too many of those funny little blue pills that make you hear things that aren’t there.

As a saying perhaps it has some merit. It is trying I suppose to convey the notion that you should always look for the upside of any situation. That you should try and find the potentially good out of all things.

That is all fine and dandy if you just want a feel good moment. But you can’t pay the bills with a feeling. It might help you keep from screaming. Which is okay, but I prefer to think in terms of plain old profit.

So I’m a practical kind of person. I want to know the return I’m going to get on my investment. Heck I’m enough of a crook I want to even know how much I’m going to get to rip off of somebody else’s investment too.

And if by chance the cloud comes with a bill for say repairs then I want to find out the best way to avoid paying it or get somebody else to do it for me. Okay call me scum. Go ahead and do it. Now do you feel better? Good, I’m happy for you.

Meanwhile during the time you were sitting there thinking what a creep I was I invested the time try to figure new and creative ways to rip even more people off. I’m still trying to work on a means to do something such as tax people’s thoughts. Yeah I know it sounds stupid and lame, but I made a stupid impulse bet at the track the other day and am looking for a good way to make up for my losses.

So I figured I could maybe fake my way through passing some kind of legislation that would tax people for not doing whatever, which would relate in some way to their thoughts. Boy there are times when it would be so cool to have say a mind reader machine. That would really work.

Why am I thinking in those terms. Hey if you were a lying, backstabbing crook like me wouldn’t you naturally assume that more than one person out there hated your guts and said all kinds of terrible things about you behind your back.

All I want is a simple method of taxing them for such thoughts. Seems far to me. Er perhaps I could take the approach of focusing more on a tongue tax? Now I think that even has possibilities.

On second thought maybe what would be better is to make people get a license to talk. Well that might be too much. Maybe just one for speaking in public. Okay who is the wise guy that brought up the Constitution and Bill of Rights? Just remember it is a BILL of Rights. That means pal, you better plan on forking over some bucks eventually for those rights. I’m just viewing myself as the bill collector, that’s all!

THE BIG BAD NOTHING

Yeah there are those “monsters” out there that love to roar and scare the crap out of you. Only in reality they normally have no teeth and are more hot air than any real threat. However at the time if they act the part convincingly enough you will still end up scared by them. Probably even enough to get intimidated and give into their desires, which is the whole purpose of their bluff.

The big problem is appreciating when the monster isn’t bluffing. If you screw that part up you could end up being EATEN! And that is definitely not a good option.

So how do you know when some monster (I’m speaking of people now of course) is real rather than a phony? Sometimes it can be hard.

For myself a lot depends upon what I know about their history. If they happen to show up, for example, using a splinter of a human bone for a toothpick and speaking how somebody was a good snack, THAT IS A MONSTER!

On the other hand if they talk big, but then scream when they see a shadow and say something about how it could be a beast waiting to eat them, well I’d sort of not worry about them too much. That’s not a hard and fast rule, just a suggestion.

Now perhaps you don’t have to worry about the big bad nothing in your world. To which I might ask, “What planet do you live on?” Because I have a feeling it isn’t earth.

The last time I noticed we seem to be a great place for the big bad nothing to thrive. In fact some people appear to spend most of their time working very hard doing their imitations of monsters.

I always thought it was pretty amusing that politicians are suppose to be servants of the people, but if you don’t have enough “monster” in you to eat the other big bad nothings then you probably won’t get elected. Just seems sort of a double standard. I mean we want a dude in office that is a hero, but also a pussy cat in terms of helping us. Somehow that just isn’t logical in my book.

That’s because if the person is hungry and mean enough to kick butt he’ll probably not be satisfied just chewing on the behind of somebody we hate. Sooner or later he’ll turn hunger and be looking for some fresh meat, namely one of US!

It sort of goes along with that old saying about ‘power corrupting.” And I imagine it isn’t something that is going to change any time soon.

So watch out for those monsters because I have a feeling they aren’t simply going to die off or go away. If you are lucky they spend their time hunting down other places to eat so he doesn’t look at you as a snack. And if by chance you do end up on the menu, well I guess that means that particular monster wasn’t the big bad nothing. Just a hint from your uncle Rash.

A SIGH IN THE OINTMENT

I’m taking advantage of a little literary license in part with this posting. The ointment I’m referring to is more of a metaphor perhaps for the balm of social cures all we come up with in the form of social programs. They are the type of ointment intended to help heal the gaping wounds of injustice. Um, hey that isn’t bad if I say so myself.

Anyway, the problem is that no one ointment can ever heal all problems or wounds. Which definitely doesn’t work with problems involving the needs of people.

However, that doesn’t keep us from following the same “formula” in terms of preparing a suave deliverance. How could one, after all, ever come up with an ideal medicinal balm without first giving a speech? Not when there is a politician involved in any way. That you can be guaranteed will never happen.

So the first step is having at least one speech and then the compulsory commentaries by those who have a need to give a speech about speeches. It is another critical ingredient. You simply can’t have any decent social ointment that isn’t bantered to death by anyone who remotely had an opinion and expects to utter it before any balm is offered. Nobody can honestly serve any worthwhile aid to problems without enough words spoken to show we care. Caring without speeches is vulgar and rude. (Well it sounds good to say if you are a politician!)

After all the speeches then comes the balm process. This happens in a committee. Which always guarantees that whatever ointment is developed with lack any real potency while insuring the people on the committee are treated as concerned and loving members of society. (Have you got the idea yet that show is more important here than do? I certainly hope so!)

Once all the talking is done and enough publicity is afforded every leech of a publicity hog who expects credit for the process, then, THEN, somebody will actually offer up some version of social ointment. And before anyone figures out the stuff doesn’t work it is time to begin working on the next ointment.

This for me is called living life by exclusion in action. Which is my own title to express the sigh that I never utter publicly over the folly of ointments that never really do any good.

Is there an option to this pretense? Some way to honestly avoid the madness of words without substance?

Yes there is a way. But it would require MONEY and for people to truly care. That is a kind of taxation nobody seems to honestly want to enforce.

So instead we savor the illusion of using the suave of fabrication on wounds and pass around enough artificial and addictive stimulants to numb the pain from the failure of such ointments. Some might call it a failure. I call it job security for me as a politician.

OVER THE RAINBOW

This is one of those phrases that probably will be best remembered in connection with a cute and amusing tale about a Mid West farm girl who gets caught in a twister and ends up in some magical land full of enchanted beings. Now days I’m sure it would be told in totally different in an updated version.

For starters, she would probably end up being sued by the sister of the witch that got squashed. I’m sure since the farm girl did live in the farmhouse that landed on the witch it would constitute some kind of negligence. I imagine there would be some lawyer hiding in the bushes with the right papers.

As for the people in “Munchkinland.’ or however you spell it, well I bet some other lawyer would be representing people of a short persuasion to claim that the characters of that land were politically incorrect stereotypes. So to avoid potential discrimination legalities the characters would have to be changed those of average height. Of if they were small, only portrayed in a positive, uplifting and respectful manner as heroes with admirable qualities.

You could forget the idea of the Lollipop Guild since that would be endorsing bad nutritional habits. So they would probably be changed to the Vegetable Guild and give the farm gal a bag of fresh, organically grown squash.

With respect to the “Good Witch” from the North, I’m sure that would have to change too. I mean it might insult the people of other geographical locations to suggest that goodness was only associated with people living in the North.

Plus, you couldn’t have her be a witch either since that might offend the religious group by glorifying the occult or witchcraft. So she would probably be changed to say a charismatic social worker that volunteered to help the underprivileged in Munkinland achieve equality through an affirmative action program.

Now you also know that the straw man would need changing since that might be interpreted somehow as making fun of people with eating disorders. Hey I’m just speculating you understand. Perhaps changing him to a fitness guru would be the perfect role model alternative for this revision.

How about the tin man, you ask? He does carry an axe. That could be a suggestion of somehow condoning or promoting violence. So perhaps he could become a counselor who teaches people non-violent ways of dealing with their hostility.

One certainly couldn’t include a cowardly lion either. That could be regarded as insulting to pet lovers and suggesting that labeling animal with negative imagines provokes their abuse. Instead he could be a Veterinarian who spends his time crusading for the ethical treatment of all living things, including plants!

That leaves us with the Wizard. Which is another name that risks offending. Perhaps he could be a therapist who specializes in inner healing and helping people get in touch with their feelings.

So the new version might be, farm girl accidentally gets on the wrong school bus and is befriended by a commune of heath food advocates and then is guiding back home with the help of a fitness trainer who was jogging, a counselor who was helping a group of handicapped kids on a picnic and a Veterinarian that stopped by to give an inspirational speech.

They all end up in the therapist’s office who provides them free therapy that enables them to appreciate how everyone is special and loved. Afterwards the farm girl is taken home in an energy efficient hybrid vehicle where she goes on to live a more ecological and socially responsible life.

God, there are times I hate living in this age. I think I’ll finish this posting and go get a drink.

DOWN AND OUT IN...

Being down and out is one of those states of being that is not uplifting. It is more than just an experience it is a feeling. And not one that most people look at in a happy way.

From my view though there is a difference between being down and out in terms of forever and temporarily. One is a state of resignation. You just plain quit. The other is a condition that can or might change.

When I’m dealing with an opponent or enemy the one thing I do want to achieve is bringing them to a state of being permanently down and out. That is when I know they won’t bother me any longer. It is a form of defeat when you know they haven’t just surrendered, but have walked into a prison cell and locked the door willingly. For a guy like me that a time for the happy dance because it represents one less thing to worry about.

What I dread are the people who have what they call in sports “a heart.” You can beat them in a conflict, but you never really conquer them. They are dangerous because they will always be in a position they might come back at you again.

So when I’m planning my strategy in this type of situation what one of my priorities has to be is to make sure I understand if the person I’m dealing with is the type who will give up with the right pressure. Or if they have the kind of hear that won’t quit.

My basic rule in that sense is to go by the fact that the more the person rambles about not quitting the more likely they are to give up. It is like they are compensating for the times when they have failed by trying to convince themselves they are die-hard never quit personalities. That for me is like a big flag that says I’m really an emotional weakling and if you just whack at me right I’ll give up.

The one’s that are the big concern are the quiet ones. They aren’t always the kind with heart, but a lot of times when they do they just don’t have the need to brag about it. They have confidence and that is very dangerous.

Which is why I try to always temper my need for revenge till I have totally decided who I am dealing with. And with the person who does have heart I don’t want to do anything to inflame their resolve. In their case if you don’t stir the pot they cool off and the lack of emotion will make them sluggish in terms of action.

I just wish my observations were the perfectly formula for dealing with such situations. It is a crap shoot at times. I’m always thrilled with I luck out and managed to leave somebody permanently down and out. As for the times I blow it, well you can be sure I don’t let anyone else know I’m feeling down and out. Besides, it just gives me an excuse to do what I can to find somebody who I can beat down to climb out of that emotional cellar. Yeah, I know it sucks, but what am I going to do spending my entire life being down and out? Not as long as I can find somebody to victimize!

TAKING IT TO LESS THAN THE LIMIT

Extremism can be a good thing in some cases. I suppose in part it depends on what is it that you are extreme about. I don’t think anyone would complain if you were extreme about something like helping others. Providing you were engaged in the art of helping yourself to say their bank account. That kind of help isn’t looked up as all that tolerable in some cases.

I think most of the time though extremism is often associated with something negative. For example, it is often something you see with a some religious belief. And what really drives me nuts is that it is always the nuts and crazies who get all the attention. I suppose the news media just wouldn’t be as prone to find Reverend Ordinary that appealing since he isn’t involved in doing anything wrong.

I’m sure I’m not alone in being of the mindset that if you want to be a fanatic about what you believe, that’s fine. But do you real have to bother me with it? I mean it is like you can’t be happy just knowing whatever secrets you decide are universal. NOOOO! That just will never do. You have to expect me to believe it too! That is the part that gets to me.

It is sort of like with my blog. Okay, I’m a crook, liar, swindler and those are probably my good points. I even take time to share those details with others. But I’m not doing it with the approach, this is great and you should act this way too!

I don’t even try to pretend that there is anything moral or good about my approach. I don’t see the point. I do it because I’m a selfish and completely greed rat.

And I’m not going to try and pretend that being honest about my view in any way earns me brownie points. I just state it for a frame of reference in case somebody happens to question what my philosophy is on this subject.

As I was saying though the big concern I have is over the extremists. They will always be the scourge of society in my opinion.

Unfortunately in addition to being prone to excessive behavior these same people often seem to have more endurance than others. So it means they are able to excel when a sane person might slow down or quit. That makes them even more of a pain.

How do we curtail this insanity you might ask? Well my solution is that we don’t. Instead we take the position of fueling the extremist in a way that isn’t harmful to the rest of us. For example with the religious fanatics all they really need is a encouraging “push.” Appealing to their spiritual pride. Yep, tell them what great people they are. And subtly suggest that perhaps they should take that dedication to a level that is truly inspiring along with the idea that in the process you might actually be willing to convert to their point of view.

If you work it right, they’ll be off to the nearest monastery or convent. While they are gone you can perhaps rip off their assets and, er — I suppose you get the idea.

THIS BLOOD IS OVER DUE

No I’m not talking about blood in the sense of actual “blood” letting. As much as that might be appealing with some people, I have to confess that I do get squeamish at the sight of real blood.

Call it a metaphor if you will, but I’m speaking of emotional blood letting. That is when you are dealing with some total and worthless jerk and are looking for your pound of flesh in terms of making them suffer.

The amazing thing is how often there are people who stupidly thing they will never have to worry about revenge. They think they are so smart and so shrewd that nobody could treat them as bad as they treat others.

But you know it doesn’t work that way. With me particularly the moment somebody stabs me in the back I start planning revenge.

True there are a lot of times that was the victim of revenge myself, but for me it is the principle of the thing. You cause me grief even if I deserve it and I’m going to reciprocate. No, I don’t call that fair. But when do I ever use that word?

The tricky part is wounding without killing. Totally destroying another person is just a waste of time and energy from my point of view. That’s because it ends their suffering.

It is so much more satisfying to simply leave them destitute enough where they will know nothing, but misery for as long as possible. So when dealing with a stupid jerk of a snotty businessman, I never try to put him out of business. I just try to be sure he gets taxed and inspected enough so he keep working, but feel like a slave.

Let me tell you there is nothing more depressing for a crook than to not be able to profit from his labors. To just survive is as bad as killing him and let me tell you that makes me so happy.

Of course the best part is when you can achieve that without him knowing it was your idea. And if he thinks you are a friend, even better.

That’s because then he’ll come to cry on your shoulder and spill his guts and you know just how miserable he really is. That my friends is revenge of the best kind.

Which is the Limburger form of blood letting. No muss, no fuss and it isn’t even gory. Just miserable.

And to my credit I can honestly say that over the years I have accomplished my share of blood letting. Fortunately most people will never even know to what degree either. That makes it all the more joyous. As they say it is the little things in life that makes it worth living.

NAME IT AND BLAME IT

Is there anything more glorious and exciting than the blame game? As a politician you can be sure I love it. There just isn’t a more satisfying hobby than finding new and exciting ways to blame to be sure somebody else gets in trouble for my mistakes. Yep, you got that right, I absolutely love stabbing people in the back if it saves my butt from getting in trouble.

Is that fair? For me, absolutely! And you can be sure that being a politician I plan ahead so that I have more than a few people to see get the blame for anything I screw up. That is the beauty of working for the government, I have all that red tape I can use to cover up my blunders by tying it around somebody else’s throat!

I can’t say that is the reason I actually began to choose politics as a career, but it was a factor. I knew I was simply much too prone to making mistakes and far too inept and other things to ever achieve a level of efficiency that I had to lie about in my speeches. So instead the simply way out, the smart cowards way out was to find some other poor sucker to take the fall.

Perhaps the best kind of person to blame is the one who isn’t even there. In my case for example that happens to be the boys at the state capital or the federal government. I mean most sane people seem to believe the bureaucrats in Washington are slime balls anyway so they never mind when I say it was their fault. That sure has gotten me out of trouble on more than one occasion.

Oh I do confess that at times you know when some congressman or senator comes to town that I have a few fears about them finding out how I have bad mouthed them behind their backs. But I always manage to lie about it convincingly enough to make them think I’m really on their side. Well at least as long as there is a chance I can get something out of them by sucking up to them.

Yeah, it’s dirty work at time. All that thinking up an excuse and giving it a decent name and then finding the right person to blame for it all. But I do manage and that is what counts, right?

I imagine there are a few people who might find my approach disgusting. Go ahead and be stupid and see if I care. I mean I sit here as Mayor and suck people dry and lie about it. I get all rewards and none of the blame. Meanwhile you work at your crappy job and are probably one of the scapegoats for a scumbag of a boss who underpays you and blames you for all his mistakes. Tell me you’re better off for trying to be honest!

Enjoy the delusion if it works for you. It doesn’t work for me that’s for sure. I prefer inventing my own fantasy. The type where I get all the benefits and somebody else gets all the blame. I name it. Good for me. You can call it whatever you want.

I know that isn’t very noble. And you can savor that delusion it makes a difference. As for me, well I prefer the rewards of the blame game. Noble is nice, but profiting at somebody else’s expense is for me even better!

SILENCE ISN'T GOLDEN

I don’t care what anybody says, but there are a lot to times when silence isn’t golden, it is a down right pain in the butt. I’m speaking of the countless times when people don’t like something, but don’t say so. However, you can be sure their actions will express their dissatisfaction. And that shouts a lot louder than their lack of comments.

Admittedly there are times when I prefer silence. I just don’t even want to hear about criticisms to some plan of mind. I can figure plenty of those out for myself.

Okay, so let me do a bit of a review here. Gold. Gold is good. It is very valuable. It is something that if you have enough of it you’re rich. But gold isn’t easy to lug around so you normally stick it in a bank and haul around green paper or plastic. Weight being the important factor, right?

So we have established anything treated as gold is thus meant in a good way. At least I think that is the prevailing thought. But gold as it applies in different circumstances has different meanings.

For example there is the golden rule. Which to me is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Only you don’t actually earn any gold in the process. So you get to be nice, but poor in the process. Is that what they are trying to say.

And nowhere in any of that does silence fit into the golden rule. Is this sort of inconsistent or what. Well you can be sure silence if it is golden still doesn’t get you any bucks. So that part is the same. You still don’t get rich in the process either. Hmmm, interesting connection isn’t it?

Then there is the idea of one’s golden years. Now that part sort of makes sense. Between all the health issues and other costs you really do need plenty of gold to survive those years. Which obviously is a whole different slant on one’s golden years than some might regard as relevant.

All of which is sort of a general rambling to inspire the idea that perhaps we love the idea of gold, but are pretty darn thoughtless in terms of what decide really qualifies as golden. At least it is too me.

When it comes to silence then. My idea of it being golden is when you keep your mouth shut about some plot. That kind of silence is the kind that will yield you some gold in terms of rewards providing you managed to make the plan work. So perhaps it should be silence and not stupid in you con is golden. I guess that might be too long to fit on some bumper sticker. So I suppose it makes sense why they would shorten it.

I hope this little reflection helps in one way or another. Basically the rule is, keep you mouth shut when you are risking some gold you want to steal. Keep that rule and then the silence will be golden. As for the rest of the time, do whatever. Just don’t blame me if you end up with no bucks in the process, because I told you so!

LIES LIKE US

Ah, the joy of pretending. Yep, that is what I said, pretending. That is to me the essence of lying. You try to bend reality to whatever fantasy works best for you and convince somebody else to accept it too.

Too me that is the real foundation of erected a decide edifice of fabrication. Now others may look at it a different way, but that is my focus.

Actually the real challenge is getting somebody else to accept your bogus interpretation while the whole time remaining away it is a lie. That is a lot different from the person who is totally demented and honestly believes a lie is truth. In that case they aren’t really lying, just totally insane.

There is a subtle, but important difference from my point of view. The insane person can be honest to the core, just hopeless absent of understanding the truth. They don’t even have to be creative, just insane.

With the sane person who says the same thing you have to be smart, creative and most of all a good actor to convince somebody else what you say is true. It also requires the ability to have power over you conscience. That isn’t for the week of will. More than one person has failed that test. Sometimes they will crack at the last moment too.

Now I assume some people might not even care about this whole issue. They might say why even go through the mechanics of analyzing it? Which obviously means to me they don’t even bother to give this type of thing any serious thought.

Personally, I regard myself as a realist. I don’t think life is such that you can always tell the truth. I’m not trying to justify lying, merely saying that I accept there are times when for a variety of reasons we all have an occasion to do other than tell the truth. And it doesn’t even have to be a malevolent reason. It can be a simple desire to not hurt somebody’s feelings.

That is why I think this is important. You simply can’t be successful at bending the truth if you haven’t had any practice. You’ll mess it up and that can always lead to terrible consequences.

Which is why I think you should at least be skilled enough with this aspect of life so when you have to resort to such behavior you won’t blow it. Now for some of us, this type of activity is so natural and easy we hardly need much practice.

And even though they don’t offer classes in this type of fabrication in life or school, I do question why they maintain a system that lends itself to such activity. I mean we all know how many times such institutions as schools say one thing about what they do and the reality is the exact opposite. That is lying my friends, they just never admit it. So I toss that out for thought. Be happy folks, wear a smile and above all make sure you tongue is saying what your mind wants whether it is true or not. And for the few who find it easy to do so, welcome to the lying side of life.

MAKES ME GLAD

Glad, should by definition I suppose, be the opposite of sad. And to a degree I imagine this is true. However, there are times when I do face a situation where I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel glad either. Just something in between. Sort of more relief that I’m not sad.

With glad though, it is for me is somewhere between utter euphoria and a simple smirk. Which isn’t always a bad thing. Just not always a source of bragging.

That is always very important to me. I like impressing people. I need to being a politician. Well at least I think it helps.

So glad in that regard is sort of like playing a game and ending up in a tie. It isn’t bad, just nothing you can rejoice over.

Why even bring it up? Because I think it is important to share such details for the sake of the other leeches out there who might not feel they are okay they way they are.

Just trust me, you rank being glad in the same category as I do then you are doing just fine. And you have no need to feel guilty about not treating being glad as a reason to jump up and down.

The big problem is dealing with this whole business in a way that works for you. That can be tricky when somebody thinks that you should act differently. Like for example when they give you something.

People if they give you something as a present want you to be happy. Not just glad, but happy. You try reacting by simply glad as the result of getting a present and see how the person reacts.

So for the sake of clarity then I just want to be sure that we find the insanity in this happy or sad thing by accept glad is what it is. A place to survive when you can truly act happy, but definitely can’t act sad.

Is any of this supposed to matter or make sense? Well I guess that depends upon whether you are in a position like me. If so and I have spared one poor unfortunate soul from suffering do to misplaced feelings then it is a good thing.

Meanwhile for those sick minds out there that feel you have to smile and jump up and down whether you are just glad instead of happy, have fun. I doubt it will change anything, but enjoy it if you can.

The rest of you sane people can join me over at the nearest bar. There we can savor a few drinks till we honestly will get too polluted to care if we are happy, glad or sad. Then we can smile because we played the game and sort of won. Which is always better than the poor losers who think their happy, when they are mainly glad.

MAKES ME SAD

Being sad is one of those feeling that I would rather avoid. For with me the things that really make me the saddest are when my plans to rip somebody off fail. Those really are the moment that bring tears to my eyes the most.

I know that is shallow and vain and utterly selfish. I agree, but would you expect otherwise from a guy like me?

You see from my view the important thing in life that matters I what fuels passion. For when you feel and do it utterly and completely then you are truly alive. Anything less and you are simply treading water.

I wish I could say that ordinary things inspired me, but they don’t. I wish I could say that noble causes excited me. However they bore me. That’s because when I have dealt with them I always ended up mainly in the company who wanted to give speeches. Oh they did want to help as long as they could be the center of attention, otherwise forget it. Yawn!

Call if being picky or whatever, however, I just don’t see a whole lot of difference between when people are selfish for selfish sake and when they are pretending to be generous just to they can really hog the glory. It just seems like the same thing, except that when you are just being selfish you aren’t pretending there is another reason.

But then that is my slant on it. I’m basically on a campaign in that regard to free us up from the silliness of the kind of false sincerity that is just a game. For when you get passed that non-sense then you can find some smattering of honesty.

Now you may call that a very negative view of life if you want, but I pose the question, “What would happen if we were able to be that honest?” It might be tough to accomplish, still I think it would do us good.

Imagine all the time and fuss we would save if we could stop this silly acting so noble and accept that we were all jerks. I think it would cut down on the commentaries on news reporting for one thing. Plus if politicians didn’t have to go through the pretense of acting like they care when they don’t, we wouldn’t have to lie as much.

What would come in its place? A better acceptance of human nature in my way of looking at it. We wouldn’t get so disappointed because our expectations were too high. Instead we could relax and be grateful when the worst consequences didn’t happen.

I think it would make life a lot less stressful. And then people wouldn’t have to make me sad by griping as much over the times I don’t keep promises that I never planned on keeping in the first place.

We’re talking freedom folks. Plain and simple. And that would give a guy like me reason to get into position where I had a need to be sad.

SO SAD

I have no idea what makes you sad. I just know what makes me sad. And in the case of this posting the sadness I’m thinking about has mainly to do with remorse. I’m speaking of the kind of waste where there is regret related to a potential loss.

In my case this has a variety of possibilities. For example when I read some scandal in the paper or see it on television where a politician ripped off somebody and got caught. I see it and think, “so sad.” I feel that way because I keep thinking how it is a tragedy that I didn’t get to rip the person off first. At least, I try to do it in a way that does let the person know I shafted them. It is the least I can do. And if I work it right the person will even thank me for the help or should I say the opportunity to lighten their pocketbook.

So it is sad to me that this potential victim was basically abused before I had the chance. That means one less person I’ll have a chance to possible rip off. Those always bother me since there are only so many people out there I can count on to deceive and stab in the back. Frankly it is darn hard work to keep finding new individuals for me to fleece. Having that kind of bad press is just so sad.

It is sort of like when I see some young, attractive woman who is married. That to me is sad too. I mean it is easier for me when they are single. There are no husband to worry about.

Fortunately, if I work it right I get to come along right when the poor gal is no longer living in honeymoon land and starting to look at reality. I tell you I sure don’t mind providing comfort to such misfortunate ladies. After all, young gorgeous women deserve a little special attention too. It only seems like I would be failing in my duty as a civil servant if I didn’t help out such poor ladies during their time of need.

The sad part is when they end up having some other guy find them first. Now that is the saddest of sad parts. And it really hurts if I find out about it by overhearing some clown bragging about his conquest. That is the kind of sad, which just screams missed opportunity. For a hopeless leech like that can be down right painful too.

But life goes on as they say and I do enjoy when I bounce back from such disappointments with a new opportunity. It helps take the edge off the pain for me. Providing it works out the way I’m scheming. Then it isn’t so sad for me.

Ah it is sad how life has such twists and turns. Which is a whole different kind of sad. That is made sadder by the fact that it happens to me! I don’t feel so sad when I hear about some other jerk that struck out. Actually that makes me happy most of the time. Mainly because I know if they are sad in means there is still a chance I might luck out.

And as long as that hopes burns bright then I don’t mind hearing when the so said is somebody else’s problem. It just makes me smile to know it isn’t me.

TOO BAD

What can I really say about this little comment? I’m going to try though. Mainly because I truly enjoy the times I can say it. On occasion I even mean it, which is rare fortunately for me.

So what am I really talking about in this situation? I’m speaking pretending to be sorrowful about some plight by expressing regret that such condition had to happen. The important part is making it sound like you really care, when you could care less.

What I find most amusing is the number of times this happens in our society and nobody wants to admit it. What I can sense is that we love the illusion of caring, but not the expense. Oh sometimes perhaps there are those who are activists and truly care. Those are some sick people in my opinion.

I say that because it seems to me that we really hate the honesty of our real selves. We say, greedy and selfish jerks are bad. Loving and caring people are good. Then after we establish that criteria we run off and act more greedy and selfish that loving and caring.

Okay so let’s slap some excuse paint on the face and pretend to our hearts content that life is noble and there is a heaven. So we live in hell and act like devils, by golly sooner or later we are going to heaven because deep down we are cute little well, intentioned fuzz balls. Plus if we lie about it long enough maybe the big guy upstairs will believe it to.

Come on now folks isn’t that really unbelievably stupid? And please don’t tell me the bible thumpers are proof you can do it better. Because I’m sure they could if they weren’t human, but they are. If there is one thing I know humans, including myself are squirrelly and can’t be trusted no matter what.

Before anyone thinks my main desire here is to rag on my fellow man I would like to toss out the fact that I believe we can do better. I think we are simply too lazy and smart to be the first ones to try. I believe most people are intelligent enough to appreciate that being the first kid on the block to play the nice game isn’t going to guarantee anyone else is going to join in.

How do we fix this problem? Well, the Rash program that I want to toss out is one where we admit our flaws and then approach this thing practically. I’m talking bribes folks. With enough bucks you can get pretty much whatever you want.

So how about if we pay criminals to not rob us. That is just one thought. Hey it would cut back on the cost of police if everyone was too busy going to the bank to steal. Plus we could save all that insurance money and cut down on how much those corporations love to rip us off. You got a better solution? Be my guest and toss it out. I’m sure it might be realistic in some way. As for myself, as soon as everyone gives me all their money I’ll be happy to create utopia! Or a reasonable facsimile.

FUN ON THE RUN

This is NOT jogging. I have I think voiced my opinion enough on the issue of exercise that I would hope that any reader might know that already. The question then might be then what IS my idea of fun on the run.

Basically it is for me the stuff you can do to be entertaining when you are busy or rushed. I mean life is hectic that is for sure, but I personally don’t like to let that diminish my options for pleasure.

Admittedly there are certain limitations with which one has to cope. Such as being smart enough to not drink and drive. Beyond the legal complications I personally find it less than satisfying. I always have trouble for example getting that fake pop label to stay on a beer can. Plus there is the problem of drinking out of a thermos and looking cool even it filled with liquor.

I pretty much had to abandon my options since none of them end up being very realistic. Outside of that though, there are other ways to enjoy life.

One of my favorite is the “what if” game. That is where you ask some truly crazy question to stimulate a day dream or fantasy to get your mind off something crappy you are going to get stuck doing.

In this case for example the, “what if,” game I enjoy playing while driving is one of wondering “what if” nudity was mandatory while driving? I know that sound bizarre. Call it being silly, but I take it from the scenario of the cops deciding to make sure no one has any concealed weapons while driving. So the only way to do that is to require none of us wears any clothes while driving.

While my mind immediately is draw to the salacious aspects of imagining cars full of young gorgeous women driving around in convertibles, I do also end up pondering where would you hold your driver’s license? Plus what if it was winter and your heater was busted? Brrr!

It might make trips to the DMV more interesting. Although, I’m not sure if such distractions wouldn’t lead to an increase of accidents.

Still, thinking of all those little options does provide a small modicum of joy and fun while driving. I will confess that the perverted side of my mind does contemplate certain erotic version of what if? Those I can’t afford to include in this posting unfortunately.

It might improve the visits to my blog, but somehow I just can’t bring myself to let that lion out of its cage. Call it being silly, but for me as long as you don’t advertise you sick compulsions to the world you can still hold you head up high in places like the grocery store where you run into normal or decent people. I like to pretend once and a while that my sick perversions aren’t really as bad as they are. No sense spoiling the illusion!

FIT AS A POODLE

Yes, you read the title to this posting correctly. I said fit as a poodle. Not that I’m claiming to be an expert on poodle fitness, just making an observation that poodles aren’t symbols of fitness. That is to say they are cute and cuddly, but hardly associated with something like strength and fierceness. At least to me.

So for the sake of this posting when I say fit as a poodle, I’m speaking of people who are in many ways are appealing for being cute and cuddly, but not a real threat. Being nice does have a certain value. However, it isn’t much value when you need somebody to be a shark.

We have this organization in our city that is sort of secret organization. They go by the name of STINK, which stands for something, I forget, but they are devoted to trying to save the world from anything that is filthy. Part of the effort includes running the garbage trucks in the city and also this diaper service.

Beyond that function they have some secret agenda to try and stop people from doing things like littering. As Mayor I’m complaining about that part, but I have to admit this outfit hardy hires the sanest or fittest people on the planet.

Which brings me to the part that relates to this posting. These people are loveable fuzz balls in their right I suppose, but just not exactly threatening. We are talking about guys that have a figure like an egg. They would make good models for say the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but hardly as super heroes.

About the only redeeming aspect is that they aren’t dangerous. Oh they do try to help out with problems, but I wouldn’t call their efforts necessarily memorable.

To me they are the personification of being fit as a poodle. You might want one of them as a pet, but you would never call upon them to save the world. Oh maybe to clean it if you didn’t worry about it getting completely clean, but just enough to look neat compared to messy.

Why did I even mention this part? I guess to demonstrate how tolerant I have to be as a Mayor. I mean I have to put up with people that are fit as a poodle. I reckon I should be grateful that they don’t act like poodles. Otherwise there could be some very embarrassing incidents with things like fire hydrants.

Basically I’m rambling because I’m trying to stir up some sympathy in some way for my life as Mayor. I don’t imagine it is working though, is it?

Who knows, perhaps you have some poodle types in your town too. Just be sure they are housebroken and that you give them plenty of, um, food or whatever keeps them from barking too much. It is a little helpful tip from your Uncle Rash in hopes that it will keep the poodles of your life from crapping on you. Even a poodle has to take a dump once and a while, no matter how cute they are.

FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS KEEPERS

Losing in terms of suffering a loss to me only matters if anyone knows about it. Yeah, you read that right. From my view, if I get screwed big time and don’t tell anyone it doesn’t count. I consider that a case of simple “plausible denial.” Which is my way of giving it a name other than a lie.

Now you can count on me to always take credit when I “find” something that belongs to somebody else. No, I won’t return it either. Unless we are talking about something that is nothing, but crap. However, if it is valuable at all or I even think it has worth, IT’S MINE!

Oh I will agree that is a double standard. Would you expect otherwise from me? You see the way I look at it if I steal from a rich person then no big deal. After all, they are rich. Their insurance will cover the loss or their insurance. So they will live with it. They might not love it, but it hardly will hurt them.

Then there is the poor working slob in the middle. Heck, I can hardly make him more miserable or happy. He’s sucked dry by the government, married to some gal who also sucks him dry and probably doesn’t even thrill him at nights any longer. And if he’s like most guys he’s got two or three kids who always have their hand out. If he’s lucky they will remember him on Father’s Day with a cheap present that he will have paid for in some way. All of this while working for some dictator of a boss who regularly violates his rights and generally emasculates him for what pittance he gets calls a wage.

Now can I really steal anything from this slob that will make him anymore unhappy than he is? I doubt it. I can perhaps give him something new to complain about. For a guy like him that is probably the most merciful thing I can do. Well, it works for me in terms of my conscience.

Before I forget, let me also talk about the poor. I imagine nobody would be regarded as a bigger creep or worst human being than somebody who would steal from people who have nothing. I agree to a point. However, I would like to point out that when you have somebody with no hope, no prospects for the future ever getting better you don’t help them by offering them any kind of change. It is simply far too cruel to in anyway leave them to think that tomorrow will be better than today, when we all know it won’t.

As I see it then, for such folks any form of prosperity only hurts them. It creates a distorted sense of reality. I wouldn’t say that if they could honestly expect some kind of deliverance from their condition. That kind of myth is what we politicians peddle at election time. It is quickly forgotten after the votes are counted.

So once again when I take from such folks, I feel I’ve really done them a favor. Oh, I didn’t say that was necessarily a good thing, just a necessary thing. Which is why I see myself as a servant of the people in so many different ways. Servants don’t work for free. It is important to remember that because for me being a servant of the people means I serve myself whatever the people have for me to take. Long my the Limburger form of democracy thrive!

SPARE ME

The word spare is an interesting word. In bowling a spare is when you knock all the pins down on the second try when you failed to get a strike. A spare tire is either the extra tire in your trunk you use to replace a flat or it is that bulge around the middle.

Then there are spare parts. Those are the ones from a broken engine you use to repair another engine.

There is also the kind of spare where you avoid causing somebody grief by “sparing” them some problem. That kind of spare is the only one that doesn’t involve having something “extra.” It involves more not giving someone something extra they don’t really want.

Now that I’ve explored all those fabulous options and probably bored you in the process, let me “spare” you the need to burden this posting with more spares. And instead bless you with the best kind of spare.

That’s the one, which simply adds a little joy to your life. Oh I could attempt to turn this into some silly piece of fluff. But that kind of spare is always full of hot air.

What I’m talking about is more the type of joy have from things like driving and knowing you do have a good spare. Only I don’t want to reflect on cars.

I’m merely speaking of the kind of spare you have in your life that truly will keep you from some heartache. Am I getting too vague here? Perhaps.

I consider it a matter of attitude. How many of us go through life and never truly appreciate all the times when we worry about some problem and in reality if we asked something like “what is the worse that could happen?” things wouldn’t be that bad after all.

So come buddy, stop and check those spares. Have you got ones for everything that causes you stress in life? If not then why not? I mean if having a spare whatever is going to bring a little sunshine into your life then what is keeping you from finding it?

Maybe more than anything we are talking about a type of insurance. The kind you can just tuck away in case you really need a spare whatever?

Are you honestly covered for That kind of spare? I just have to ask because I know that it makes things easier for me.

Now if you think that will help you, then no problem. The fact is that I just got my license today to sell insurance and — er, you get the idea.

I hope practicing my sales pitch with this blog was a good idea. I got to get it in somewhere!

A SMILE FOR A WHILE

Ah the sweet rush of temporary relief that lends itself to a nice warm smile. Pity it has to end. Even more so when the smile comes from revenge.

I’m not talking about the kind of belly laugh, stand up and cheer type of revenge. You know such as when somebody you hate completely gets accidentally on purpose run over by a slow moving car about ten times. Then mysteriously has a refrigerator drop on him a couple times out of nowhere while his is lying unconscious and then — er, I guess you are getting the idea on that part.

No, regrettably that kind of revenge is far too rare. What is far more practical (not to mention less incriminating to yourself, if you — ahem! Never mind that part) is to see some clown you hate having the kind of misery that just succeeds in pissing them off.

I’m speaking of something like say a flat tire when the person is on the freeway and late to an important meeting. Another fabulous option is for them to get an exorbitant phone bill for having made dozens of calls over seas even though they never actually made the calls. Try to see how much success you have getting the phone company to believe you never made those calls when they were directly dialed on your phone?

Such moments truly do give me pause to smile admittedly. I mean I truly savor the wonderful times I can sit back and hear the person vent over such things. It feels good knowing I can act like I feel sorry for them even though in reality I thinking “hurray, hurray, the jerk got what he deserved.”

Yes I am saying in all of that how I may have contributed to their misery. Only naturally I’m not going to actually confess to any specific occasion or incident. I’m not that stupid.

It has been said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” What I say is, “When life gives you lemons, go and steal somebody’s good fruit and leave the lemons in their place.” You may feel free to quote the Limburger Philosophy if you wish.

My only regret is the times that my labors to find a small reason to smile never work out quite like I hope. I wish that wasn’t the case, but even with adequate planning there are times when some slob is blessed with luck.

Alas that is the reality of the hope inspired by a need for revenge. However the wonderful thing about the future come from knowing that tomorrow really is a another day. Which means that today’s blunder could be tomorrow’s joy of subtly ripping some creep asunder!

And that dear friends helps to make life worth living. At least for those of us who rejoice over the times when minor mishaps are honestly planned even if you can’t tell the other person. It is enough to give me reason to pause and celebrate the small victories desprei the fact I can always boast about them.

FOR BETTER OR WETTER

Now I appreciate how it might be hard to see the way these things are related. But then you aren’t me so I wouldn’t necessarily expect you to grasp the connection without my contribution.

Basically for me these are the moments in life that are like shadows hinting at some change looming on the horizon. You just can feel it in you gut. And it doesn’t take a genius to appreciate or recognize that fact.

However the problem remains with the uncertainty over which way the chips will fall. Will this change make things better or give you a reason to sulk in some bar?

Ah so now I bet you are beginning to grasp the significance. Basically these are the opportunities and schemes that will either turn out glorious or depressing. There will be no in between.

On the one hand that is a good thing at times. It is a gamble. But the reward is so darn appealing that you just can abandoned the hope that it will end up being worth the risk.

Of course I never begin such adventures with any expectation of failure. I always start out doing everything that I can to prepare and naturally cheat in any way I can to be sure it works out in my favor.

So what turns it into a better or wetter situation? Essentially it is experience. I’ve just learned the number of times my best plans died for one reason or another.

That doesn’t keep me from trying again. Where would the fun be in that? I mean just because I experience one blunder doesn’t mean it has to be that way every time.

At least that is the prevailing logic I use whenever possible. Even more so if this grand plan, whatever it is, happens to come from my pals. I’m speaking mainly of my buddy, Hugo Muckraker.

Even though he is a newspaper reporter by trade it doesn’t mean it can’t be extra creative. Which means there are times when he will get some moment of inspiration and come up with some great idea.

By arrangement and practice it is always our habit of meeting to discuss such ventures at some bar. That really isn’t intended as a negative attitude. Merely it is from confidence. A basic desire to do some up front celebration for what we expect to be a gloriously successful efforts.

Later of course if things don’t work out then we use the excuse as a chance to spend time feeling sorry for ourselves. And sitting in the same bar just somehow makes it all the more tolerable. Win or lose in some ways doesn’t matter as long as we keep score after enough drinks!

LONG TIME, SO GLAD NOT TO SEE

That’s my slant on this in terms of people I hate or can’t stand at all. As a politician I do get stuck having to suck up to plenty of citizens and that can be chore. However, I’m not speaking of the ordinary people I encounter. Those are tolerable in their own way I suppose. At least I try to tolerate them.

What I’m speaking of here are the most scummy and despicable people on the planet. And I have more than my share in my city. These are the ones that you never miss and don’t want to ever see again. So the longer in between visits the better I enjoy it.

I wish I could say that only related to politicians and lawyers. But this applies to regular people too. Which is sort of said in a way. I mean how can there be any real hope for the world when the ordinary people act as bad as those of us who actually feel we have an excuse? Really depresses me to think that there might be more people out there that are as selfish and back stabbing as I am instead of having any morals or ethics.

Life does go on though. So in order to cope with this social affliction I have embarked upon a simple approach. It is call avoidance. Yep, I have learned with practice how I can honestly achieve that with some people.

It starts with my secretary. She’s a lovable and devoted gal. Plus she hopelessly gullible and believes any lie I tell her. I can give her any lame excuse I want and pass it on without thinking or questioning it.

If I work it right I can normally put off meeting with some people for weeks. And if I handle it with the proper thought I can even succeed on having my secretary tell them I’ve referred their problem to some committee. The fact that the committee doesn’t really exist makes no difference what so ever. My secretary will faithfully take the message and I’ll throw it away!

I think the toughest time this happens in terms of having to deal with people right after I’ve won another “election.” I mean the things I have to do in order to suck up to some people just to get their votes. I tell you if it wasn’t for having my assistant being able to help phony up the results so I always win things could be real crappy in terms of dealing with some people.

As it is even with this effort I still have to spend time making enough promises I have no intentions of keeping to at least make things look realistic. I also am going to have to remember next election to be sure I at least stay up late on election night so it looks like I was worried.

Anyway the pain comes after the election when so many voters who voted for me become of some promise actually expect to keep it. I truly hate when some of them drop by the office and bug me about such things when I had no intentions of keeping the promise in the first place. But as I said that is what committees are for. That always helps keep the long time even longer with people I don’t want to see the most.

THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE

This should be a good thing. I said should. But the “time” of one’s life can also be the most memorable. Only you never see it expressed that way in any stories I bet. Who would look back and say, you know that car accident I had and nearly died from was so thrilling. It was absolutely the time of my life.

I have a feeling if anyone did say that we would sort of roll our eyes and think perhaps they didn’t quite recover in their head from the accident! However it doesn’t mean it isn’t a view some people have anyway.

I heard this motivational speaker once talking about how people secretly loved pain at times. That we did things that were dumb and stupid in order to get attention that we might otherwise not get if we did things right.

It was an interesting concept I suppose. And at the fees he charged I’m sure part of the way he reinforced that conviction was how it hit your wallet.

As for myself, well I think we just like to feel. That doesn’t necessarily always mean good feelings. Just that life is a more of a time and memorable when we do feel as opposed to when we don’t.

My opinion, of course. But it sure makes a lot of sense from how I see it. After all I don’t know how many times I’ll end up dealing with somebody who is basically a decent person (the do-gooding moron, er never mind) and fairly competent at his or her job. Then for no apparent reason they will do something utterly stupid.

For a while I used to sit down and think to myself there must be a way to council this person. You know to make sure they didn’t make the same mistake twice.

That was until it occur to me that in reality what was happening is that they had just gone on way to long without any attention. So in a way this was there way of getting a little attention.

So I gave it to them. And most of the time it seemed to work. They went back to the job and did better.

Now days I do try to give a little attention where I can and to whom I can. I have seemed to notice the incidents of stupid mistakes declining in the process. But they do still occur at times.

Still I have learned to take this little concept of something being the time of a person’s life to a different level. It works for me. I’m happy even if others don’t notice.

So memories happen and the emotions follow. We sit around and celebrate and feel good in the process. That is the part that counts I guess. Enough that I feel satisfied with the process even if others don’t give it the same thought. Which only matters if you are me doesn’t it?

CONGRATULATIONS

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this and didn’t mean it. I did it primarily out of habit or because it is the thing to do, but somebody’s standard. And being Mayor I always have to be concerned over everybody’s standard! Not that I like it or want to, but feel I have to!

Of course there are other ways to say congratulations without actually using the word congratulations. I do that for occasions when I’m a poor loser and don’t want to show it. That’s when I resort to something like “nice job” or “great job” or some other dribble that means nothing to me. But it keeps me from looking like a jerk. I am a jerk, but I don’t enjoy letting others see that!

So I go through the motions as required to try and make a person feel good about their victory. And with practice I’ve even managed to make it look like I mean it. That is one heck of an acting job in some cases.

It is too bad I can say what should be said with some people. That would be something like “Great job you lousy cheating rat. I know you figured a way to win unfairly. I admire that talent in some people. But frankly you don’t have any class and I hate your guts. So just accept my comment and don’t ask me to do more than pat you on the back. Otherwise I would probably stick a knife in your back!”

Yep, I admit it. I’m a sore loser. I don’t care what I have to do to win, including cheating. As long as the score comes out in my favor, I’m happy.

Which naturally means I don’t get too thrilled by congratulations under any circumstances. Oh I survive of course and go through the motions, but at least I have the joy when by myself of not smiling when I want to scream.

Whoever came up with the baloney about how you play the game being what counts obviously was a loser. Only some loser would try to win when he couldn’t by claiming playing it by the rules really matter.

What really counts is that you win. Nobody remembers how you play the game. When was the last time you heard somebody talk about the last sports season and say their most memorable moment was watching some guy play by the rules. Oh yeah that happens.

Heck you’ll be lucky if they even remember who won. You try and see if you can think back on any competition where you remembered the winners from last year let alone years ago. We just love the present. Because it really is the one we remember.

In any case, that is part of my view on congratulations. It really does come down to doing it for the moment to prove I can. Tomorrow like everyone I won’t even remember the winner unless it was me. But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing my lie will be remembered by whoever I congratulated. And that is enough at times. Heck it has to be.

WELL, WELL, WELL

I love when I get to say this. It almost always occurs when I have greeting somebody who was filled with pride and just took a nosedive into disaster. (Of course if I was in any way responsible for their downfall, I do my best not to tell them. Why spoil the fun of making them think they were stupid enough to have done it to themselves?)

The one criteria to keeping my little game of revenge successful is not to BRAG about it. So the “well, well, well” part is generally something that I say to myself and not allowed.

That is while I am talking to the person who is telling me about their misery. I can even muster the ability to seem honestly concerned about their plight. Shoot in the right situation I can even succeed in making them think I will help them in some way. Lots of luck if they think that will actually happen.

My most favorite moments of “well, well, well” generally are related to my job as Mayor. They are even more precious when they involve the joy of destroying some political opponent.

For me the main goal is to be sure that I so cripple an opponent so they don’t get a chance to be a threat to me more than once. I’m not talking about killing them off politically, just wounded them tell they can run against ME again. They can run for any other office, but just not for Mayor.

See it really isn’t as much joy to totally destroy some people. That might give them a break in terms of the misery. It is so much more rewarding to leave them with the illusion of hope so the next time they come away thinking it might work out better if they try again.

Depending on my mood I might even encourage them to try again just for the shear joy of seeing them lose a second time. That the kind of “well, well, well” that you simply can’t buy!

The great thing is having something such as this blog to share my joy. It just is so much harder to achieve if I spend any time talking about it where I live. There are too many people who will blab if I spill my guts.

So I have to content myself with the glorious little moments of reflection I can achieve in my postings. It hardly pays the bills, but I will confess that it does give me a nice warm feeling on the inside. Course I also get the feeling after going to the bar. But then that one requires me to spend money. With my blog I do it for free and also never worry about a hangover.

Meanwhile after I finish this posting I get a chance to go and meet with somebody that needs a shoulder to cry on. I will sigh and be sorry for them, till the leave my office. Then I will snicker from knowing the “well, well, well” in their case was my doing. It’s a living!