THE TRUTH OR SOMETHING ALMOST LIKE IT

Okay this might seem like a stupid observation, but honestly how important is the truth to most people? Oh we say we want the truth, but sometimes what I think we really want is something that sounds true without being repulsive or scary.

Now I call that being positive and uplifting. Others might call it lying. I don’t know it just seems that if you can sugar coat bad news so it doesn’t sound that bad then you can keep the person from panicking if you want to prevent a heart attack.

There might be places and situations where the truth, shocking or not is the best solution. Personally I don’t know of any, but I’m sure they are out there.

One thing that really gives me reason to grin is that item they call “truth in advertising.” The idea if supposedly that you get a statement confirming what the seller says about a product is true. What doesn’t happen though is that they tell you all the truth. In other words the truth part only applies to the portion they told you, not the portion they managed to forget either on purpose or by accident.

In other words it is yet another game. Frankly I love it. I genuinely savor those glorious moments when I can sit down and smile at just knowing how I rear ended a person and didn’t have to actually lie. I just didn’t tell all the facts.

Alright don’t sneer when I say that. Fair is fair here. Like they say what you don’t know can’t hurt you. Well that works in Rash’s world. Maybe not in the real world, but that’s such a boring place anyway.

I guess the reason I even got stuck on this whole thing is because of the time of year it happens to be upon us. Or perhaps I should say the time of year that just passed since when this gets posted the first of January will have already come and gone.

That’s the great resolution time. The most wondrous time when it is really okay to LIE and impress people at the same time with the self-control you probably don’t have. Now if you really are lucky they will never even ask later if you kept your resolution. That my friends is the most merciful aspect of resolutions is when everyone else forgets them.

In the meantime I’m dusting off my list from last year. Why bother wasting time with a new list when I never kept the last one?

I’ll post it somewhere obvious. For about a week. Just long enough to be seen by the people I want to see it.

Then when the time comes, I’ll take it down and put it away. If anybody asks, I’ll simply question, “What list?”

And that my dear friend happens to be my version of the truth or something like it that has served me well for many years. Here’s hoping you find the same joy form such an option if you get the chance.

BIG LITTLE MOMENTS

Ah now this is a real thrill. Those times when you don’t expect much out of situation and then it surprises you and turns out to be something really special. Yeah I can really look forward to them.

Too bad they don’t happen very often. At least not as often as I wish. And if you aren’t careful you can miss them completely. Mainly because you aren’t expecting them.

As Mayor of the city of Mediocrity the one thing that really bugs me is having to attend so many special functions where some small group is having an event. It always is an event that is tailor to their own interests.

We’re talking like some group of bookworms having a poetry reading. That’s okay. I’m not against it. I just don’t have any personal interest in it. But I do get invited and they are voters, so I will make the effort to attend.

By standards of boredom that is my standards, a poetry reading isn’t the worst option. If the people are fairly talented I might even hear something decent. And the normally have decent refreshments.

So let me give you just a small list of other “yawn” wonderful such events I have been called upon to attend. There were the concerned citizens for trying to help save endangered species. Their big campaign when I was asked to attend was a fundraiser to try and save some stupid beetle from extinction. I’m not sure, which was worse their stale speeches or the equally stale and bland chicken they served. Not exactly the highlight of my week or month or even year for that matter.

Oh there have been so many other fabulous gems over the years. Most are not memorable that’s for sure. Which is my whole point, I get conditioned to practice my groaning when I do get invited to these events.

The only thing that makes it remotely promising is that every once and a rare while I luck out and some small event will turn out to truly be pleasant. It might be the food, the subject of the meeting or event the great looking women in attendance.

So I keep that in mind while heading off to the latest event. I wish my batting average included more home runs than strikes out in that regard, but it doesn’t.

Still I do what I can to be sure I don’t disappoint and not show up no matter how boring, stupid or otherwise the event might be. I consider it in one way to be a form of lottery or gambling.

If I win then it means I managed to find yet another big little moment and that isn’t all bad. However if I lose, well then I just regroup and hope that next time will be better. And in my life with my situation I can always count on their being a next time no matter how much I wish this was ancient history.

LITTLE BIG MOMENTS

These to me are the episodes that never live up to one’s expectations. They are preceded by all kinds of hype and commentaries, but when they take place you have to fight to keep from yawning.

Not to offend any sports fans, but honestly how many times have you tuned in to watch some athletic event because it held the promise of being fantastic, but ended up incredibly boring. Now with sports it is partially understandable. After all people are human and not perfect. Even a great athlete can have the occasionally bad day.

What is amazing is how even if something turns out boring we still keep watching. Take the Super Bowl for example. Does anyone want to tell me that the majority of those broadcasts have been riveting? Just like some heavyweight boxing matches. Do you feel glued to your seat in awe by some match that lasts three rounds?

The point to all of this is that I think in reality it is us who watch that have the problem. Are our lives so piss poor and boring that we can’t find something better to do with them that watch a program just because it is touted as great? To do so with a host of experience in our system and brains that says otherwise tells me that we are the ones with the problem.

Do we care? Nope. Do advertisers and sponsors of the events know this? Yep. So as they say the beat goes on.

Thus you can gripe about how it gets dull, you can complain about how some event was not much for entertainment, but we both know you’ll be back watching it next time. Why? Now that is the tough question and I’m not sure we really want to know the truth.

Am I suggesting that we should stop watching sports? Not at all. Just be honest for crying out loud. We are going to do it because our own lives suck and we just don’t necessarily have enough creativity to think of something better to do.

As I said I personally plead guilty to this myself. You can pretty much count on me to sit down glue to the old tube next week if I can and watching a couple of groups of well paid athletes go out and beat up on each other.

I might find myself disappointed in how I so eagerly fall into a habit of doing this in terms of television. But as a politician I watch to help maintain my faith in mankind. As long as I can see how many people will put up with such things gives me joy. For it means that I can pretty much anticipate they will do the same in terms of politics. And that spells votes for me.

So what can I say? Maybe thank you? After all if it wasn’t for such behavior then I might have to get off my rear end and do some real work. Which is definitely not on my list of desired options naturally.

A JAR OF...

I think jars are such a perfect invention. You can see what is in them and they don’t attempt to claim they are say a jam if they are really mustard. So you get into the mindset of presuming that the jar people for whatever are truly reliable. I don’t know about you, but I never open a jar of mayonnaise for example and worry that it will be something else.

The one thing you can’t control with jars is whether what is inside is really going to taste good. Oh you might not worry about it being spoiled, but unless you’ve tried that brand before you might not be totally sure how it will taste.

Now why am I going on and on about jars? Well why not? I guess I’m just reflecting on how truly glorious it is that the individual who put things in jars are totally aware how with glass jars they inspire confidence. It doesn’t take speeches, it doesn’t take promise, just a plain clear glass that lets you examine the contents.

I suppose in part I’m envious since I can achieve that kind of trust as a politician. I can put myself in some jar and do it in a way that people will accept without question. Naturally if I was in a jar I would expect it to look so gross nobody would want it anyway.

Ah perhaps there is room for a political condiment though in our society. Some kind of sandwich spread you could put on a pile of crap to make it smell and even taste better.

But then that could get messy too. I mean there would be the issue of who would you honestly trust in terms of putting the stuff in a jar.

Okay, I can imagine there is probably somebody out there who is most likely saying, “Boy Rash you obviously have way too much time on your hands.” And I’ll be honest that to some degree they are right.

However where else, but here are you going to enjoy the thrill of having some career politician see the significance of jars in terms of voters? Now I ask you is that talent or what? I know you’ll probably say what.

At least I didn’t talk about cans. They are bad from my point of view in terms of politics. After all you can see the contents. You have to depend upon the label being correct. But do you really have the same confidence in the contents as you do with a jar? Yet even if you do can you say the consequence of opening it will mean it will taste better than what is in a jar? Too many questions perhaps?

I merely want you to consider in terms of politics that jar candidates are better than can candidates. Because you can “twist” a jar candidate to get results. That means they are flexible. With a can candidate you have to “pry them open” and that isn’t always an easy task. Just a little political condiment comment to help you pass the time.

ONE MORE FINE

Have you ever dealt with someone that said he or she was fine even if that wasn’t true? You can always tell because of the mournful way they say “I’m fine.” It is the sigh of but that isn’t said, which tells you the person really isn’t fine.

The big problem is how in the world do you managed to help a person who doesn’t admit there is a something wrong? Now the logical reply might be, “Hey if the person says there is no problem, then I don’t need to worry about it.”

I would be the first to admit that not worrying about others is my normal way of dealing with people. However if I know that “I’m fine” really means “I don’t want to talk about it right now, but later I’ll really drop a bomb on you!”

That’s when I get concerned. Because the problem is I know when the person does get around to admitting to not being fine it will be ten times more of a crisis than if he or she had said so in the first place. Which is the part I really hate.

The reason for that is because generally when the “I’m fine” condition shifts to a problem it is now an emergency and out of control fire. Which means I will end up spending twice as much time and energy making the “I’m fine” that wasn’t really “I’m fine” actually into a real “I’m fine.”

I don’t think it would matter that much if I hadn’t made the mistake of asking how the person was doing in the first place. I meant it as a courtesy. I honestly don’t care how they are going, I’m just saying it.

However once I’ve made the blunder of asking then it opens the door to them coming back later and dumping the real problem on me. This I need? Not from my point of view.

It probably wouldn’t be so bad if I had the joy of saying I told you so. But with a person who is frantic and feeling down already that kind of response is sort of wasted.

Thus, reluctantly, I find myself the shoulder to cry on. Yeah and I feel all wet at times because of it too!

The only joy that comes out of this is normally the “I’m fine” comments don’t come up every day and generally whatever is the problem it doesn’t come up again. So once we’ve got to the “oh my god I’m not fine” stage the great thing is I know I won’t have to worry about going to the same crisis again.

So in a way I treat this as a challenge. The type of problem solving exercise that gives me a chance to stretch my old brain cells.

Plus the great part is I get to compile a nice little file of “I’m fine” situations according to whoever it applies to. Someday maybe I’ll try publishing them. Or perhaps making the people they apply to pay me not to publish them. I see that as a retirement income and then I’ll be the one that can say, “I’m fine.”

FORECASTNG THE WEATHER

It has been said that everyone complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. And we all know it is unpredictable. Yet how often do we listen to the weatherman anyway?

I’m telling you that weatherman have to be the luckiest and most blessed people on the planet. Name me one other prophet related occupation where you can be wrong as often as they are and still have people come back and listen to you again? Is that success or what?

You just gotta ask what makes us such saps for doing that? I mean if somebody else kept saying things that turned out wrong as often as they do we would totally ignore them, right? I say no.

After all weathermen are generally part of news broadcast. And we still watch them often too no matter if what they say turns out right or wrong.

So I guess in the end you really do have to ask why are we so stupid to keep putting up with this? And the mystery is we keep doing it even when we know it is dumb. I don’t call that the weatherman’s fault or the newsman’s fault. It is our fault.

You might what is the point of mentioning this is the first place. Well for me it is a celebration. Yep you said it I consider this to be a celebration.

For a career politician, such as myself, just knowing people buffer themselves in some arenas so they don’t have to fret over disappointment works to my advantage. After all when I can depend upon the fact that no matter how incompetent my city government gets the main thing that will happen is complaining, I can relax.

Oh I do have to go through the motions naturally of things like giving speeches around election time that promote the myth that change is just around the corner. But after I do that and the election is over then I go back to life as before, with and ardent attention to merely ignoring things I don’t have to actually change.

And just like with the weatherman forecasting weather that never happens most people react the same way to my efforts. They just keep coming back for more, lord bless them all.

That ends up being a form of paradise I guess in my case. Which might explain why I too turn on the weather each night and actually try to trust the guy will be right for a change.

Ah the great thing about the political weather is in my town no matter how hot you think it is going to get it almost always is clouded by mediocrity. And I don’t even need to be a weatherman to know that. As long as I keep the people from deciding to try and get too many umbrellas or a new political weatherman, life will continue to rain as I claim it does.

SHAKE IT, DON'T BREAK IT

My slant on this is to shake up some situation or person, but not make the whole thing fall apart so it is broken. While I say that is my slant, accomplishing it can be really tough.

What I’m speaking about is remembering today’s failure could be tomorrows victor. Oh true, normally people either have a track record of success or they don’t, but just can’t rule out the unexpected.

Which is why I’m such a sap for allowing so many darn losers hang around. I just keep hoping something will happen or I can shake them up in some way that will end in them a winner.

Have my labors been fruitful? Well that depends on who is keeping score? From my view if I take some totally useful and dysfunctional person and inspired them to manage to end up being the least bit competent then I have done my job.

I do have to admit that the ugly monster of frustration does attack at times. I can’t say that there aren’t times when I don’t get inspired to just say forget this stupidity.

Then I remember back a few years ago when this one young and backwards kid just needed a break in order to rise above his self-imposed limitations. So I tried to give the kid a break. Open a few doors and in the end I was confident that it would end in his becoming a success.

The great news was that it worked. He went from being a shy, backwards person and into somebody who was a real social climber. All it took was money, time and enough bribes to the right people to lie well enough to make him really think he was that great.

Boy was I proud of that effort. I really did shake it without breaking it. That sure was a time that made me proud.

Later unfortunately the jerk turned his back on me, tried to help an opponent get elected as Mayor and basically did his level best to rip me off. Man was that such a joy to see him turn out just like me!

Okay perhaps to some that wouldn’t be success. The good news was that he ended up going to another city, screwing up and eventually got busted for one reason or another.

Do I regret my help to the guy? Not at all. I managed to take a possible threat to my own little world and make sure I build him up enough so his ego would totally ruin him. Now that’s talent if you ask me.

That’s the Limburger style of helping others. I can’t sell it, but at least it helps me to survive for another election!

THE FUN ZONE

Now to me the best fun zone is the one between the ears. Okay I know that is probably a worn out observation to some degree. But heck I figure it has been done so often it is worth saying again. Plus it cuts down on new crap I got to think up.

The one truly great thing about the fun zone is it can honestly be free if you are creative. Well the idea part and joy can be free, but depending on the complication of you forms of rides that can be expensive.

Let’s face it the zone between the ears is rent free. But to add fun takes stuff you have to either rent or buy from somebody else.

The one thing we do know is that merchants are aware that none of us wants a boring fun zone. So they stand back and are ready, willing and able to accommodate our every lust for the right price. Yep, depending on your tastes and desires even if they aren’t always legal you can truly look forward to finding the right kind of fun somewhere.

From my view that is a great thing. I love the aspect of being able to know that somewhere out there I can find a sympathetic and helpful businessman who will cater to my every fantasy. (The ones that are extra helpful are those nice ladies who set up their business on the sidewalks. Course you normally have to go to their “office” in some motel to conclude the business, but as long as they aren’t hiding a badge somewhere it normally works out okay.)

What I’m trying to figure is how come you can go to an amusement park fun zone and squander a small fortune and nobody will normally complain. That often means fighting crowds, putting up with all kinds of traffic problems and god knows what else. Yet for some they will envy this type of recreation. You can tell that because the last I checked the really huge theme and amusement parks aren’t going out of business.

But what if you decide to save travel time and money by doing you search for entertaining at home. You aren’t going any farther than your brain. It isn’t going to cost you much more than the price of say renting a DVD. Or perhaps you’ll end up stomping around those “creative” web sites that are designed to give you a smile.

Can you brag about that? You can, but nobody will care. I tell you that just isn’t fair. Here I am saving money, not using gas and nobody seems to appreciate the effort.

And it is all for the simple quest to give my personal fun zone a little zest you can’t find everywhere. Alas there just isn’t any reward for trying to be thoughtful of others in that regard.

Nevertheless until I’m forced to stop, I’m going to stock my personnel fun zone with my favorite forms of entertainment. I can’t say that I can necessarily admit to the types of entertainment I’m going to keep in my fun zone. Not until the concept of what is legal is given a different interpretation!

BIG TROUBLE

My interpretation of big trouble is something that will risk giving me a problem of any size. If it doesn’t happen to me then it isn’t something I regard as big trouble.

So that way I keep things simple. If my world is under a attack then that is big trouble. If it is your world, we’ll we can do lunch if you treat and I’ll listen. I might not do anything about it, but I’ll listen.

Now come on and tell me you don’t know plenty of other people who think the same way? And being your typical back-stabbing, lazy, lying creep I think I am more representative of human nature than the ones that feel a need to pretend they have morals.

Personally I don’t mind someone preserving some fantasy of how they care about everyone else. They are entitled to such an image if it really helps them.

Can I have a cheer for the issue of caring? It is a wonderful attribute. I just haven’t experience it’s reality that often.

I will admit that I have heard about it a lot. Plenty of people love to say we should do things like love our neighbor as ourselves. And I do practice that kind of caring any time my neighbor is a lonely and bored housewife in need of attention because her husband is gone all the time. Er I guess there are a lot of people who wouldn’t regard that as the type of caring you get applause for. Well I’m sorry, but it is the best I can do, which for me is still caring even if it only gets me sneers from the readers.

The primary problem with that kind of caring is it too can lead to big trouble if you happen to get too carried away with the caring part and the ladies husband happens to find out. Which is why part of my caring routine includes making sure if we end up at some motel that the clerk doesn’t see my companion’s face. Those clowns have no shame in terms of telling on you if the price is right.

Plus you have to be careful about neighbors too. Try explaining my version of loving my neighbor to some of them and get any understanding. It often only leads to some other form of big trouble and that is hardly helpful.

Life does go on though. And I’m grateful for that. When you spend enough time in the kind of caring that I invest then you do appreciate how big trouble is always a possibility. So I’m always prepared with enough excuses and places to hide to be sure the big trouble is kept a small as possible.

I just hope sharing this little tidbit of fact is in anyway helpful to those other wonderful caring folks out there who are involved with similar acts of kindness. And if by chance you end up with too much of a dose of big trouble in the process, I’ll do my best to understand. Help, maybe not. But I’ll understand. Which I think is the perfect way to at least preserved the illusion of seeing your trouble as big trouble whether it is to me or not.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

This is that famous line that comes out of alien movies. Now personally I think any race of beings from another planet who were smart enough to get out planet would also be smart enough not to want to meet with our leader.

Call that being silly if you want, but as a Mayor who knows what kind of people end up getting elected, if I was visiting this planet I sure wouldn’t want to meet them myself. I wouldn’t want to risk them giving my flying saucer a ticket for parking or demanding I pay to register it.

Whether you want to claim our leaders are good or bad, smart or stupid, the one thing I think you can count on is that they are going to want money. After all you can run a government without it. So I have no doubt if there is any intelligent life in the universe that made the mistake of wanting to visit our planet they would avoid all the bureaucrats as well as the long list of “fees” they would expect to be paid.

I know that sort of takes the edge of the idea of us bonding with some alien species for the sake of you know having a good relationship. I’m just being practical.

Of course in those fantasies we produced called movies they can afford to add the fantasy about how we would deal with aliens. They can make it seem like we would get all excited and want to learn and generally treat them with respect, providing some military types didn’t try to shoot them.

In reality though I can’t help that if such a meeting was actually set up you could count on among the people waiting to greet these visitors would be representatives from immigration, taxes and social services. All of which would be holding some forms and a long list of costs for permits and other items they would expect to need before the poor alien ever got a chance to tell us the secrets of the universe.

Yep, that is how I see it would go down if such a meeting would ever take place. I think it probably has a lot to do with why most of the accounts of people claiming to have been visited by aliens take place at night in the middle of nowhere. No fees!

Oh yeah there is one more detail of course. We can forget the importance of making sure these spacecraft were not causing air pollution. So I imagine the governing branch of the applicable DMV would be waiting too and demanding a smog check. Not to mention back fees for registration as well as making sure the dude passed a driver’s test.

Okay you can tell me I’m getting carried away on this subject, but I can’t help think the aliens are smart enough to have figured all this out. Which is why they never bother dropping by any capital.

Ah isn’t life grand when you keep your eyes open? Maybe not as much fun as pretending at times, but if you work it right such as I did with this posting you can still have a reason to smile!

STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT

Seeing stars at night isn’t that hard is it? During the day though it is definitely a lot tougher. And if you aren’t even looking for them you can be sure won’t see them.

What make a star special is how it stands out. You just can miss them. They twinkle and even with a bunch other stars they are still something we can tell from another star.

Well so much for astronomy. My whole point of this was to point out how a real star gets our attention. And the same is true with people I think who stand out for some reason.

Unlike a star thought, which always shines so bright, people can stand out for either good or bad reason. Which isn’t all bad from my point of view.

That is because the way I feel about it we need to be able to see both the good and bad when they shine. How can you really know the good if you don’t see the bad.

Amazing to me if someone is a star for some good type of shining, we sort of expect them to be humble. If the person is a star for a bad reason we almost expect him to brag about it. As if there isn’t much of a value in them working so hard to excel as something bad unless they really, really enjoyed it.

But and I again say, but, that doesn’t necessarily apply to politics. Personally that really bugs me too. If you shine, you can’t really do so as a politician unless you CHEAT. Only you can’t brag about it because people expect you as a winner to have a good image.

Is it just me or does any of this sound insane to you? Hey I have to live with it constantly so be grateful you just have to vote.

So that’s my universe if you will. Can I get any sympathy ahh’s? No? I didn’t think so. That’s okay I don’t mind. I got plenty of space in my little universe to all the stars I need to be whether you want to watch them shine or not.

If not the feel free to take your telescope of whatever prejudice lights your fire and point it towards a star you do like. Just a little suggestion though. Don’t look too closely. Because if the star it human you can be darn sure what is making it shine isn’t necessarily always good.

I just thought I would toss that in for the benefit of any star gazers who haven’t done more than glance at the twinkle and said, “Oooh, pretty.” Just don’t do more than glance and you will be okay.

Meanwhile, I got to be off and star another star to twinkle. I do that with speeches. Hey it twinkles, even with lies to help it. You twinkle you star your way and I’ll do mine my way. Happy skies and star watching folks.

ROLL OVER AND PLAY IT AGAIN

As a politician one of my favorite songs is one I call, “The masochistic voter’s waltz.” It’s a great tune for me because it is the one where I manage to abuse the voters till they are knocked down and then I succeed in getting them to roll over so I can do it again. Call it silly or down right disgusting, but I just get so exciting when I have a chance to savory some sweet and easy victory.

What I have to avoid is the temptation to boast over such victories. Oh I will play the again and again and never grow tired, but I never and I mean never let the voter know what the lyrics are that go with the catchy song.

Ah there is just such a personal joy that having a hit song that only I can sing. Well at least in my city.

However I’m sure from what I’ve seen there are plenty of other songwriters our there with their own version of this same song. Like me they have found plenty of voters who truly enjoy hearing the melody.

So I just wanted to stop and say thank you all those faithful music lovers that just keep rolling over and letting me play it again. You’re fantastic. You’re the reason that makes every season a joy when the music gets to play. I salute you for you being so glorious gullible and being so tolerant of my greed. You’re such a treasure.

Um, I get a feeling that the voters in my city who hear my version of this song may not be ready to necessarily rejoice over the tune. Oh they aren’t going to change the music, but they might not say thank you either.

Which is the best part. They just keep listening anyway. Isn’t that special? It is to me. And like I said it just fills me with joy to know how wonderful the song is for them.

My biggest regret is that I don’t have a chance to be sure the whole world knows what a great songwriter I am. All this talent and I can never look forward to a gold record, grammy or having it played on the radio. Isn’t that a shame? Oh shut up!

Yeah I know, this is not the kind of music that one calls beautiful. It’s the type you listen to and wished you didn’t have to hear. But you going to roll over and play again just the same.

Ah the sweet melody that spares me the regret of having to explain all my blunders when I don’t want to. Who knows maybe someday though I’ll figure a way to rewrite this song so it can be played somewhere that everyone will actually enjoy. And I might even get a professional singer to sing it.

Oh the other hand I don’t know how I can change the words, “roll over and play it again because I’m a sucker for abuse” to rhyme. Hmmm, maybe I’ll check with some of the other political songwriters. Couldn’t hurt.

SPARE ME

We keep a spare tire in the trunk of a car if we have a flat tire. And for some of us who love food too much it could be said that our figures suspiciously appears as if we swallow that tire. Which in term of the body means you lack of a “flat” stomach is evident that you probably would be better off getting rid of that tire.

That’s just a little diversion for a variety of reasons. However we do appreciate a spare is important in the right situations. (I’m still working on the perfect excuse to explain how the one on the body has a good value.)

On a personal level the one thing I truly savor is the “spare” buddy or friend. When life goes flat and you feel a little down there is nothing more helpful than a good friend to help you keep moving ahead.

Why if they are truly beneficial they will even jack you up and make sure you feel so great and just happy to be alive. Then in times you don’t mind being a good spare yourself.

The big challenge as a spare is not being full of only hot air. Well intentioned people who try to be a good spare, but only are capable of telling you lies just aren’t that good at helping to keep you going.

Being the kind of person as a politician who is naturally full of hot air when I’m called upon to fix a emotional flat in somebody’s life believe me I do the best to avoid all my usual lies. It can be tough, but I honestly try.

That is why the whole “spare me” approach really works best just with people you care about. Believe me I’ve tried it with people who I have to deal with as Mayor that are feeling a little flat, but it just doesn’t work. I wish it could, but for me I can’t get passed the lying part since for me all voters are primarily a resource instead of a relationship.

You want me to lie about that part? I don’t mind if it makes you think it is somehow going to change things. But a spare tire that does really help whether it sounds good or not just doesn’t improve things. Fact of life.

To my few friends then I say, by all means, spare me. And I’ll be glad to do the same for you.

As for the rest, well what can I say? I’ll be more than happy to be a spare and help you with that flat tire. Of course when you aren’t looking, I pick your pocket, then steal your car. I’ll use your credit card to fill it up with gas so I can drive to you house and keep you wife entertained while you are walking.

Afterwards I’ll drive you car till it breaks down and sell it to a junk yard car and be sure you get the bill for the towing. Yep, I agree I’m far better at causing flats than being a spare. Just do me a favor and ‘spare’ me the comments!

IF IT IS TUESDAY THIS MUST BE...

I guess I have to confess to being a big fan of movies and particularly old ones. Which is often when I get the inspiration for some of the titles to my postings.

I might be unfair in that regard, but I honestly believe they did a far better job in the older movies picking out titles that were more memorable. Since they didn’t spend as much time making sequels back then I think the titles were a reflection in my opinion of their creativity.

In any event having expressed my opinion on that subject where the title of this posting came from, I was thinking mainly with this posting about schedules. Most of us have huge blocks of our time during a week set aside not for fun, but for chores such as work. So I think it conditions us to associate certain responses with certain experiences.

Such as if on a given day we have to say mow the lawn and we hate mowing the lawn then we get emotionally prepared to face that event long before it happens. Oh we might not always voice that reaction, but I think it is there just the same.

It is too bad that our schedules weren’t more blessed with pure joy. Wouldn’t it be great for example to look at the calendar and say “Oh boy,” next Tuesday is orgy night at the mall or wherever. Don’t sneer here or start venting about me being some kind of chauvinists. I just used that as an example off the top of my head. AND DON’T SAY, “OH YEAH, WHICH HEAD WAS THAT!” I don’t need any help from some jerk wanting to make smart ass remarks. I can manage that all by myself.

Still I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me my schedule normally involves way too many meetings with PEOPLE! Yeah, I’m a Mayor and I ought to cope. That might be easier if I had to meet with cool and beautiful people instead of the ones I have to endure.

Why can’t I have a meeting for example with a small group of hopeless lonely females in need of comforting? I wouldn’t object to helping them in their time of need.

Instead what I get is meetings with the concerned people. I hate to be cruel here, but most of the time in my city that primarily involves people who are sort of challenged in the looks department. I’m just making an observation here, but honestly where I live the ones that are the most inclined to pay attention to problems seem to be the ones without any social life.

If you could see some of them you would know that is no accident either. Not that I mind having to endure the meetings in some ways. I will give them credit for providing decent refreshments. I just get rather bored listening to them talk about how busy their lives are. Sometimes I’m tempted to say, “Hey let’s get real here. You’ve got the personality of a lump of dirt. Excitement is just not your talent. So let’s not try and pretend that reorganizing your sock drawer on a Saturday night is a great and fun way to spend your time!”

I won’t say it naturally. There are just too many of those folks I have to meet each week. Too many to risk pissing off. The boredom my spark a really scary form of revenge if I wasn’t careful.

A FUNNY THING HAPPEN ON THE WAY TO..

This is borrowed naturally from a movie title. If you haven’t seen it the movie is a satire centered around the time of Julius Caesar. Unfortunately the emperor’s “forced” retirement was both unexpected and a bit painful. So you could hardly describe it as the kind of “funny” that left you smiling. It is more the kind of funny that is considered as strange.

Well thank goodness we don’t all face the kind of “retirement” that was given to poor old Julius. I’m not just speaking about elected officials either. Lord knows there are a few politicians that probably deserved to be greeted with a knife, but I think I’ll pass on contemplating that idea. I wouldn’t want to risk giving anybody in my city the kind of inspiration that ends up with red stains on the ground.

Still in life there are those funny moments of detour when one gets handed a curve that you didn’t expect. How we handle them is always something of a challenge.

The other day I had my whole routine planned out practically to the last second. Visions consumed my brain. Not necessarily the type I can or want to share in a posting, but I was truly looking forward to creating some new and truly pleasant memories in the process.

Unfortunately for me life had other plan. Maybe it wasn’t life. It might have been fate. Or even the good Lord. All I know is that my vision for the day wasn’t quite the way it turned out. Heck it wasn’t even close.

Oh it was memorable alright. It was sort of like how having a car accident is memorable. That was not quite the type of memory I could get excited over that’s for sure. I won’t bore you with the details beyond saying that this was one of those situations where the funny was actually happening to somebody else.

However they weren’t content to simply savor the joyous funny for themselves. They were looking for a crying towel and figured my office was the best place to find it.

Did this make me happy? Of course not. And then after I spent time trying to cope with their funny then it also meant I had to spent time with the people who caused the funny. None of that made me the least bit fill with any joy.

In the end at least I did make the funny sort of stop being funny. That didn’t result in my ever experiencing my visions on that day.

The only good thing was that later as in the next day I managed to find a way to savor a few new memories. And having anyone bless me with any new type of surprises. It isn’t funny how at times the happiest times are not when you are enjoying life, but simply avoiding some tears? Yep I guess that is one occasion I can enjoy even if it isn’t as memorable as the ones I wish were true. Still a little happiness, imagined or not is better than way too many funny moments that give you only headaches.

DEATH TO ALL

In general I’m not really crazy about the subject of death. All that dying, mourning and funerals is one of the things you know it going to happen like taxes, but I just can’t get excited with regards to the subject. Maybe there are some that do like an undertaker, but for myself I’d rather not talk about the subject if I don’t have to.

For some people though it seems that they regard death as the perfect solution to eliminating a problem. Like with the death penalty. You may or may not agree with the idea of capital punishment, but one thing we do know for sure a dead person is definitely not going to commit the same crimes.

I’m not going to debate the death penalty with this posting. I don’t see how you can ever expect in any way to accomplish that in terms of getting any agreement from everyone. Some will scream “kill, kill” no matter what and others will say, “wait a minute this just too terrible.” I hope you don’t mind if I yawn at those two options.

My basic goal with this posting is to more deal with the idea of people who think death to something bad is a good idea. Okay, let’s massacre things like poverty, injustice even diseases. I can handle killing those problems off. Wouldn’t it be great if we could? Maybe someday I suppose we will achieve it or a reasonable option perhaps. Emphasis on reasonable naturally.

In the meantime the one thing I do appreciate is how there is a difference, like with many things, where you say one thing and really mean another. For example when we want something dead it means to me that we hate it so much we just want it out of our lives permanently. But we don’t always grab a gun and toddle off and point it at our problem and pull the trigger.

Nope, that isn’t our method in all cases. Instead we shoot blanks in terms of criticisms and then treat a person or thing like they don’t exist. Thus in reality what have we done? We’ve killed them without actually pulling a trigger. Maybe we don’t call it that, but isn’t it really what we are doing?

Such as a person who would say fight against the death penalty because they want to prove how caring they are and yet will totally ignore the needs of people who are victims. I have a little trouble appreciating how fighting for the rights of some murderer and not caring at all about the pain of a victim to be something less than a genuine form of care. It is to me just a different version of tolerating the indifference towards life that you have in essence treated as not important to see it actually is able to really live.

Now on the flip side you’ve got the law and order hard line folks who want to kill the bad guys, not to mention anyone who pisses them off, but will be more than happy to kill some doctor who does abortions. I have trouble seeing where these folks are really any better than the first group. To me it all comes down to really saying death to somebody, just changing the name to protect you own sense of conscience.

Meanwhile, I’ll just continue to sit back and practice my own form of death to somebody. Only in my case it is to a person’s wallet. Money to me is a lot better thing to kill than any life!

DOWN WITH

Doesn’t matter what you are talking about I imagine, when you mention down it isn’t a good thing. I don’t suppose it was expected to be. All I know is if some sentence or slogan starts out with the words “down with” you can be pretty much guaranteed it won’t end with a praise of any kind.

It is kind of said in a way isn’t it? That we probably are most used to seeing protest signs and protest bummer stickers than the praise kind. Unless you are talking about the religious types associated with some given religion. They seem either to want to brag about their god or tell you if you don’t agree with them how you are going to hell or a reasonable damnation facsimile. I couldn’t resist tossing in that substitute jargon since it always appears to be hinted at with the religious bumper stickers.

I just can’t help wonder for myself about how there is benefit in all the down with approach. Isn’t the first assumption when you read one of those slogans to question why the person thinks you are somehow ignorant of that reality. Like none of us knows about how there are evil corporations out their raping the environment and economy or maybe even the world?

Still it is almost like if they say it that will somehow improve the problem. Or perhaps by saying it that means they feel they have personally done something about it. It is sort of like the idea is “hey don’t blame me because the world is screwed up. I did my part to help keep it from getting that way. Which is why I have this bumper sticker on my car!”

Nice sentiment I guess. Not even close to realistic if you ask me. But it apparently works for the bumper stick dudes.

You see those ones about some parent who is proud they kid is a brain because he or she is an honor student at their school. Is the parent trying to hog the glory or what? Or you see the reverse about how MY kid can beat up your honor student. Isn’t that really just another slant on the whole down with thing only perhaps by adding a little pride along the way?

It sure seems that way to me. However I doubt it will change anything. So go ahead and scream it with a bumper sticker. And keep on telling yourself that just because you bought in the mall where they already sold a thousand just like it that somehow it still qualifies as being an individual or creative.

We each are entitled to our own brand of denial. It can be fun if we work it right. Along the way maybe we find a down with that is actually different from all the ones that have been done to death.

If not then we can go ahead anyway. Who knows, perhaps we’ll get somebody distracted enough by our bumper sticker that they will end up having an accident. That will keep another jerk off the road for a little while.

CHEERS, LEERS AND SNEERS

I never loved the old cheerleading thing in high school. I will admit that whenever I went to a game where they had cheerleaders I got too consumed looking at them and letting my lust explode to really pay attention to what they were saying.

I’m sorry, but you do want me to get all aroused by cheerleaders more than they cheers then stop picking gorgeous gals dressed in skimpy outfits. What do you expect a lecherous guy like me to do in that kind of situation?

Now if you were to pick some bag lady who stood up in front holding a half empty bottle of cheap wine and slurred her cheer THEN I have every reason to pay attention to what she said. I sure as heck would be looking at her that’s for darn sure. Just being realistic here.

The thing is I’m just trying to point out a flaw with our cheerleader mentality since it applies to other areas that involve cheering. We always seem to take an approach that gets our attention more for the cheerleaders than what they say. Even if it is in politics they often end up dazzling you with some imagery that takes your mind off what they are lying about.

So first rule is good cheers start with good leers! Yep you got to have the old juices flowing before you can feel like getting all excited about doing any real cheering. Which goes back to the basic idea that we claim the whole cheerleading thing is to actually “cheer” whatever we are told to be excited about. But then instead we end up being subjected to what appeals to our basic erotic or greedy nature.

All of that is to point out why later, once the cheerleaders are off sleeping with somebody else instead of you then you finally have time to sit back and think about what you were told to cheer over. Then you go, “hey wait a minute this sucks.” That leads to the sneers, which if they hadn’t distracted you in the first place would have been your natural reaction.

The bottom line is that it works, which is the whole intention behind the program. They want you to get excited for all the wrong reasons so you won’t say anything when you finally wake up and are sneering. That’s because they know if you say something you’ll prove out stupid you are and nobody wants to admit that no matter how true it happens to be.

Ah the joy of deception. Can I get a good cheer over that principle? Darn hold on, I guess I ought to go and see if I can find a really attractive woman to lead the cheer. Yeah it is prejudice. You don’t like it? Then stop falling for it.

Meanwhile let’s all join in the fun. Give me an er, well fill in that blank anyway you want. It doesn’t matter since I don’t think we really care that much anyway. Just as long as we have something cool to look at to keep us preoccupied and lust prone then we will pretty much pretend to get excited over all kinds of things. Then when the sneers come, ah, we get to be pissed and claim it is over the cheering part when we are really pissed at ourselves for being such a dope about falling for the old con like we have too many other times.

NOT TODAY

Actually I think to be completely accurate with this I have to say not only not today, but not tonight either. I’m speaking of those dreaded times where your mind isn’t functioning on all cylinders and the last thing you want to do is have to think too hard about anything.

What truly dumbfounds me about such moments is how when I feel the worse that is when everybody seems extra intent on expecting my help. It is like I’m wearing a sign that says, “Hey Rash is feeling really crappy so be sure you stop by and say something to make him feel worse.”

The other day for example I woke up feeling like an elephant was lying on my chest. Physically I was okay, just emotionally I was really depressed.

What most likely lead to my feeling that way was a rather disappointing rendezvous with a “date” the previous night. There I was in the bar and laying all my best lines on this little cutie. Okay no groans folks, yeah I know I’m not suppose to do that being married and all, but heck I figure why should my wife have all the fun finding those young guys to show the inside of a motel room. So there!

Anyway there I was playing it like a genuine Mr. Cool and convinced I was impressing the gal. In fact I felt that way right up to the point we went to the motel room. And then afterwards, sorry I’m going to skip over the sordid details of what we did. Does anyone have a reason to think we spent the time reading the Gideon publication? No, I didn’t think so.

Well the thing was afterwards my date decide to point out to me that she was a professional. And I don’t mean at selling used cars either.

At first I was angry since she didn’t tell me that up front. Then I was confused since normally in such situations the protocol is that you discuss the fee before conducting business. Her explanation was that she knew who I was and also that was her regular stomping grounds so she didn’t see any reason to assume that I didn’t understand the situation. I did pay for services rendered. But I was definitely depressed to find out my best lines didn’t mean squat. My view at least.

So there I was the next morning just not wanting to go anywhere and just about to call in sick when the phone rang. Guess what there was an emergency at City Hall and according to my secretary only the Mayor could help.

She was so panicked that she couldn’t even explain what the emergency was. But when I got there all I know is that I didn’t even get to my office before I was descended upon by several different people all who thought their emergency was the most important.

By the afternoon, I had listened to such dribble way too many times. I never did find out, which silly concern was the one that my secretary decided couldn’t be solved without my help. I did get a very nice headache though. Hardly my solution to a bad day, but at least the bartender listened even if it was for a fee.

GEMS IN THE CLOSET

Closets are wonderful tools. You can hide so many things in them. Even give them special names such as one just to use for storage or supplies. Yep as a space the closet just is so useful.

Of course the best thing is how you can hide things in them. Behind a door and keeping it locked means you can spare yourself from letting anyone know what is being stored there.

For somebody like myself with so many things to hide other than the normal stuff a closet is almost like a temple. Only in some cases I have to keep some real scandalous gems in them so naturally I definitely have to pick somewhere that is extra well hidden for my closet.

It is a shame that need and honesty aren’t always the same thing. But I’m astute enough to know that for a person like me there are just the facts of life that you can’t afford to let the world see all those little brain gems if you want to keep getting elected.

Heck I can’t even afford to tell some of my acquaintance in some cases about all my closets. Oh it goes beyond the issue of trust you understand. I do naturally differentiate between trust and stupidity. After all it is amazing what wealth will do to some people. And the kind of wealth where you talking about that comes from bribery or blackmail now that is a real tempting gem in the crowds that I happen to belong.

I will admit though that it is very hard to avoid the desire at times to show off my gems. The ego just begs to be satisfied. And so naturally I do get those moods where I tell myself, “Okay Rash old buddy it is time to show the world the real Mayor Limburger. So let’s take out those keys and open up all the closet and let everyone take a real long look. But NO touching!”

Yeah I have those conversations. They normally last only a short time. And I generally do a good job of making sure I don’t give into those urges no matter how much booze I need to resist the desire.

As of late I have been toying with the question of whether or not I should make arrangements for the time when I pass on to allow those closets to be viewed. It might be an interesting and entertaining way to help all the mourners cope with their grief.

Then I stop kidding myself. When I die I know my kids will be too busy being out celebrating to even go to the funeral. My wife will no doubt send her regrets from some island resort where she is on her honeymoon.

As for my so-called staff and supposed friends, well the only curiosity they would have in such closets would be to find things they could use to say bad things about me. So I guess I’ll pass on that idea.

In the meantime I guess I’ll just have to admire those gems for myself. And hope nobody else finds them.

IDEAS

I love when people get the kinds of ideas that improve life in some special ways. Now getting people to always appreciate that just getting idea doesn’t mean it is one will work. I only wish people were able to accept that being creative and coming up with an idea isn’t the same as knowing it will solve a problem.

I reckon that I’ve posted enough observations about life in Mediocrity that the reader ought to appreciate that reality is something we normally do our best to avoid whenever possible. That normally works to my favor in some ways. After all if people were more inclined to just concentrate on truth and reality then they wouldn’t be as willing to accept my lies and I sure don’t need that kind of interference.

So I’m happy to listen to all the ideas that come my way no matter how absurd they are. It is fun just allow somebody who as rule never had a creative idea in his or her entire life think some vision they basically borrowed from a sitcom will impress. I just grant them the joy of such fantasy. And if I’m in the right mood or bribed correctly I’ll even manage to rave over such a contribution. Getting paid for lying hardly bothers me you understand.

Once and a while the good thing is how some other wise dull and boring person will honestly get a decent idea. Of course it is tough when I lie about all the other ideas being so great, it is harder to get too excited when I’m so emotionally drained from pretending that the other lame ideas actually had some merit.

What I really like when I’m feeling particularly conniving is to listen politely to some idea and then if it actually is viable I sit down and tell them it is a good idea. Then I make up some song and dance about taking it under advisement, YADDAH, YADDAH, YADDAH!

Later of course I’ll figure a way to stall them in terms of doing something with the idea till I have figured a way to revise it so I can steal the idea. The trick is doing it in a way where the person honestly does recognize that I stole his or her idea. Sometimes it takes all my energy and effort to achieve that in a way that the victim, er, associate doesn’t end up pissed off.

Yeah I know that is a lousy way to treat people. Particularly if the person isn’t that creative and that idea is the only one perhaps the individual will have that is creative, ever. But what can I say, I consider myself to truly be an idea man. It is something I make sure I emphasize every chance I get.

However nowhere do I suggest that all the ideas I mention were mine. So in a way I do keep a little honesty in the midst of my deception. Don’t say it. I already know that idea. And I hope you appreciate that is one idea I don’t intend to borrow. I might lie about it and blame it on somebody else in a different watered down version, but borrow it, never! After all there is a fine line as they say between winning and losing. In my case I just love using an eraser so I can redraw the line when nobody is looking.

LAWAWAY ENVY

I used to think layaway wasn’t something you should take serious. I mean to me it was something for people without decent credit or the kind of bucks to buy things when you wanted them.

Then I don’t know I guess I had an epiphany of sorts. For me those can also happen when you end up running into some huge clown with a bad attitude and no sense of humor who thinks other than you do.

I was in this one store the other day and this big huge bear of a guy was making a payment on some layaway. Well I could tell from the look on his face and that hunger in his eyes that comes from not having beat somebody to a pulp for at least a day that perhaps he wasn’t in the best of moods.

But being the stupid politician that I am I figured perhaps I could somehow have a conversation with the guy and turn him into an ally of a sort in case I need his help persuading somebody to see things different down the road. Yeah, I do things like that if I can find somebody to do the “persuading” part.

Well I thought I would use the subtle approach so I went up to him and paid him the compliment of looking like a pro at shopping at the place. Then I pretended to be looking for cleaning supplies and wanted to know if he could tell me where to find them.

It was a gamble of sorts I suppose, but it worked. Before long we ended up having a conversation and that’s when he explained about his view of layaway. First of all there was no interest like a credit card. Second no debt. Third he also ended up buying stuff on sale, but paying for I later when he had the cash.

It was sort of hard to argue with that logic, especially since I wouldn’t have wanted to argue with a guy who looked like he used little import cars for a noon snack! I didn’t feel that was a healthy choice.

Then later I got to thinking about it and admitted layaway was really a good deal in many ways. The only problem was that with my wife I don’t think I could convince her that it would work. If she can’t have it now then forget it.

So the next time I’m in the store and see the line at the layaway desk while I’m rushing off to buy whatever with my plastic I’ll probably be a little envious. A couple of months from now when I’m still paying off my debt and what I bought is worn out these folks will be just picking up their purchase and have no debt.

That is the joy of living in a democracy where most folks are slaves to debt. You can have the freedom of lying to yourself about the way you shop. And the good thing is only the credit card company knows the truth. Well along with the clerk in the store you showed your credit card too, the mail person who delivers the bills and probably everybody they know and will blab it too in the process!

FIRE, FUEL AND THE GOLDEN RULE

In this situation to me when I speak of fire I’m talking about a crisis. And fuel is whatever circumstance or problem is causing the fire.

As for the idea of the golden rule well in this case it basically has for me to do with the idea of putting out the fire. Because when you are having to deal with an emergency that is a crisis big time you better give priority to putting out that fire or you might end up losing your gold. Which is the priority, saving the gold. It is the first and foremost rule of survival in terms of these fires.

In keeping with that aspect then the more you avoid letting any fuel be available to cause a fire the less chance you have a worrying about a fire. That is logical and practical, but it is amazing how many times it doesn’t happen.

Fire prevention too often in that regard is something one ends up thinking about after the fire is burning out of control and you figure “you know if I had paid attention to that problem when it wasn’t an emergency maybe it wouldn’t be a disaster now.” However complicating this whole process is the difficulty of getting other people to help out even if it is there butt that risks being scorched.

So that is the dynamics I appreciate when facing some smoke and knowing it could easily erupt in a major fire. Let the Limburger golden rule kick in! Oh yeah it sounds great. I just wish it worked that way.

Like the other day. We don’t have a lot of traffic problems in my city. It is after a small metropolis. And the biggest traffic problems often occur on Thursday night before a three day weekend. That is when as many people as possible are hurrying to get anywhere, but the city of Mediocrity.

Despite that reality though there was a case the other day when we had this conflict brewing. They were planning on hosting this convention for something, I didn’t pay attention to be honest, but at the same time the downtown businesses were going to have a big sale. So that mean we were going to be faced with a major traffic snag. And thus I went to the council and felt we should do something in the way of traffic control.

I explain the whole thing in hopes they would appreciate the smoke and also offered up my form of fire prevention. I wanted to have the cops handle traffic control. Essentially make sure we directed the traffic so that the visitors could get to the parking as quickly as possible.

I will give the council credit they did actually listen. What I wanted or needed in this case was a ruling by our council that authorized the extra expense. It is kind of complicated, but basically that is what it came down to me needing.

Which is exactly NOT what they did. After at least a dozen questions that had little to do with the whole problem they elected to adjourn without making a decision. I tried to get them to understand that wasn’t going to solve the problem. But I might have been talking to the wall for as good it did to mention it.

All I can say is on the day of the fire, I called off sick and didn’t answer my phone. Some of the messages on my answer machine were hardly uplifting. But the nice thing is how enough booze makes you deaf to such messages.

THE BIG PAYOFF

Is there any working soul who DOESN’T love payday? Okay maybe there might be some monk who moonlights and thinks money is of no value, but as for the rest of the human race who NEEDS money, payday is a big deal.

Of course a paycheck is well kind of predictable if you work by the hour or are on a salary. Now if you work for commission it might vary a lot, but otherwise I think most people have a pretty good idea of how much money they will get. For some of us who are too prone to spend it before we get it payday is more about running to the bank ahead of the checks you wrote the night before and hoping they don’t bounce. Yes even with all my plotting I still have those moments too!

The thing is when you get beyond the predictable there are the payoffs for effort rendered. These kinds of paydays don’t always involve money. They can be about things like satisfaction. So the reward isn’t always quite as tangible in that regard, but the emotion pay off can be great at times.

Now my whole of thought here I guess is that those kinds of pay off can be something we look at with the same feelings as payday. We worked hard, we did what was expected and now we feel we deserve that reward.

However unlike with a regular payday there are times when these payoffs don’t occur like we want. That can happen when we for example are investing our time in expectation of a reward like going to college to get a degree. Now in reality the degree isn’t the big deal it is the doors it may open. So getting the piece of paper isn’t what is in reality the payoff as much as the job we get as a result.

But if we don’t get that job then we feel cheated or robbed of that expected pay off. And I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling that way if they have really invested their time in a logical and practical task.

If on the other hand they have gotten themselves obsessed with something such a winning the lottery where you may not even get a big payoff, then you have to be willing to compensate in your thinking. But the reality is people don’t. They easily get bitter and frustrated when some hope is squash even when it wasn’t realistic in the beginning.

And if that happens in the person’s life too many times they can easily become this powder keg of rage and will explode at any time over some other issue rather than the one they are really pissed about. As Mayor believe me I have spent plenty of time trying to sort out in a conversation with some angry voter or employee why they are really angry. It can be a tough chore at times, but sooner or later something they say will give me a clue to what pay off they were really expected.

When you find out it was based on some unrealistic expectation then often just listening is enough. There are the exceptions though. And a big clue is if they sit down in the chair opposite yours and you notice a big bulge underneath their coat pocket that is the size of a pistol. About the only thing you can do then is DUCK!

BEFORE, NOW AND NEVER

The glorious phases of discovery are truly inspiring at times. First comes the NOW part. That is when you see the blundering consequences from the poorly plan strategies that were drafted BEFORE. It is the time of delusion and stupidity when you naively think that some plan will actually work according to whatever absurd theory you have devised.

When it fails naturally there comes the “adequate measure of acceptance” or the shoulder shrug of “darn I blew it, but I’ll find somebody to blame.” This is followed by the NEVER vow. Those are the ones you make to prevent any epidemic of guilt from knowing how stupid you really were in the past or the even more painful reality that you haven’t got a clue on a way to keep from making the same mistake again.

All of this is called “life” where I live. At least by me. Maybe not by anyone who is still more comfortable in the “tomorrow will be different” state of denial.

As for me, well I do enjoy such state of denial. The more a person lies to himself the less it puts pressure on me to do the same. So call it being lazy, but I certainly enjoy when I don’t have to think as hard about what lie to say because you’ve already done that part for me.

Which is part of the joy of my job as a Mayor and career politician. This like so many things for me is a game. I love second guessing if a person has fumble the ball in terms of their thinking and are looking for a reason to excuse it.

The funny thing is that in my town two groups that might otherwise have nothing in common as a rule both are the most prone to this type of behavior. First of all there are the businessmen. Normally the ones who sort of reside in the gray area of the law in terms of business practices. They love trying to stretch the envelope in terms of seeing how far they can go without getting into trouble for violating some kind of law. So they have every reason to want to conjure up some winning strategy in hopes it will yield them a great profit. Taking risks is no big deal as long as they don’t get caught doing something stupid, which is the difficult part at times. And believe me when they get involved in some shady deal and in happens in my city sooner or late the reality becomes a stream of data that ends up flowing into my office. So we end up having a meeting. Depending on their answers I can be either sympathetic or punitive. It mainly depends on whether there is a profit in it for me. At least I can understand this group since it is all about dollars and sense.

It is the bible thumpers that give me the headaches. When they blunder you can forget them mentioning it or ever in any way trying to do things different. But you know there are times they too cross over the line in terms of the law. Only they blame it on God and generally aren’t the type to want to deal in terms of bucks. So it makes dealing with them on the blunders knowing it isn’t going to enrich my pocket.

It is all life in my city and I’m sure it will be from the “before” times to the “now” and it will never change. That is one nice thing, you can depend upon the stupidity to always be there whether you want it to or not.

BEGINNING AT THE END

Ah how sweet it is to be an expert in hindsight. The challenge it so have hindsight, but create the illusion you are a prophet. Claiming to know the outcome before hand when you didn’t have a clue is for me a work of art.

Part of the battle is to find a way to discover something positive that occurs in a given situation. It doesn’t matter what the reality of the given event happens to be as long as you can find merit in the results. Basically the good in the bad.

I regard it all to be a fun game that must be played. The real joy lies in knowing that most people not only don’t treat is as a game, but certainly have no clue that is had rules either. Which is extra important when you consider they have no idea when you are cheating or making up the score.

Why is this charade so important? For me it is the issue of maintaining the illusion of the fabric of our society making sense. Personally it really doesn’t, but that isn’t that critical. What is important is making sure we all embrace the fantasy. After all what good is life without dreams?

Not much from my view. That is because dreams represent hope. Providing they are uplifting and not nightmares. Those are not helpful to the game. They might work in terms of making a person question the game, but not for getting them to enjoy it.

Which is why I have to work so hard at giving each ending some nice positive spin. Even if the project was a disaster and way over budget we can celebrate the human spirit’s capacity to overcome adversity.

That is one of many phrases and themes I keep in my repertoire of dramatic comments I keep on file for the right moment. And I truly rejoice on how it works. Time and time again.

While some may find this a shameful diversion from the truth, I don’t. And I ask the question do we really gain by admitting when pure dumb luck is responsible for success and human error the fodder of failure?

So think it despicable, call it shocking or disgusting, but all in all it keeps the party going. And as long as we all wear the same costume hats of nodding over how it works even when it does, I’m happy.

Life does go one I suppose. It is a fitting end in so many ways when we smile at the mess and the ends that are like dead ends.

I for one rejoice with such a process. Some may not. But when you come to your sense and get tired of being depressed, well the party is always going on somewhere.

You will have to bring your hat of denial. The one that fits your head better than any I could lie about.

BENEFITS AND DEBITS

I think too many people have the concept of benefits skewed in terms of reality. It doesn’t matter the benefit you are speaking about there is always a cost. For someone your benefit or my benefit is going to be a debit.

In the time we live in where the government philosophy is I want it when I want it, cost doesn’t always seem to be the issue. It’s a big government and its has a lot of bucks so let’s reach into those deep pockets for our share of the crumbs.

All of that should be easy to understand. Benefit is a plus sign so there has to be a minus sign somewhere. The difficulty I think is in figuring out when you really need a plus sign.

That too me boys and girls is the gist of it in terms of government assistance. How much is the minus going to cost in order to provide the benefit? And you can be darn sure somebody has figured it out.

For me as a politician I do the math locally. I just don’t always tell people the total when I give speech alluding to some potential benefit.

Sometimes you see it isn’t the actual benefit that is the benefit. It is the “discussion” and vague promise that counts. It is sort of like the anticipation we get when ordering take out pizza. That time between the order and when it gets delivered can be one full of anticipation.

Although with a pizza you do expect delivery. With a promised benefit if I work it right I can get all kinds of free press and good will before the time arrives when the anticipation expires.

And what do I do to avoid too many questions in terms of why didn’t I keep a promise. That’s easy. I just make a new promise before people start asking about the old promise that wasn’t kept.

That is how I try to keep the whole issue of benefits and debits balanced in where I live. Plus there are the great times when I can find some reason to blame the government for when a benefit evaporated. Those really are so sweet.

Along the way the big stall is normally when I can escape the benefit being issued. They are few, but they are there.

Which is why I do what I can do to find a way to be sure the debit comes out of somebody else’s pocket. It can be difficult, but often if I dangle the right kind of carrot or bait I can find some sucker to be the bank in one way or another.

It all comes down to “creative” bookkeeping. And in this case it doesn’t even amount to the type I worry will end in the wrong kinds of questions by people with black suits and no sense of humor!

DO IT AGAIN

There are some truly wonderful events and experiences that we always seem to cherish in a way that summons nostalgia whenever they are remember. And I think that is a good idea. What would the holidays be like if we didn’t have those thoughts?

Well rather than bore you with the obvious let me just say that in terms of doing it again I’m not concentrating on the usual choices. I’m more speaking of the aspect that for me as a politician represents the kind of choice I love to savor.

Mainly I’m speaking of our apparent obsession for repeating experiences that are in some way a blunder the first time around. We gripe about them, constantly complain about them, but guess what? Given the chance we will do it again without hesitation.

You might say that doesn’t sound right, but I see it all the time. Honestly I do. And it isn’t always with stupid or gullible people either. I’ve known some very smart people who manage to shoot themselves in the foot in some decision and then when they run out of bullets and are still bleeding will ask to borrow your loaded gun.

Logically that of course doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But then neither does the way a lot of people function or think. Many times they truly amaze me when they make a choice of some kind that is totally other than something that will be beneficial. Then they will complain about it and go out and do it AGAIN!

I make that observation because all I can say is that I have to plead guilty to doing the same thing at times. The big difference is when I screw up and then get motivated to make the same stupid choice again I generally find a way to get some other person to foot the bill. I do that by appealing to that same element in their nature.

I just can’t tell them that. Nor can I brag about it. All I get to do is smile and lie and be grateful when my blunder gets financed by their blunder.

Of course I’m an amateur compared to the real pros at this technique. However in my case I do have the liability of only working with local taxes instead of the larger options available to the pros.

Ah I suppose in some ways when you think about it then, perhaps April 15th is the biggest form of let’s do it again there is. I for one am both happy and said about that one.

On the one hand I’m sad because I have to pay just like everyone else. On the other hand I am also happy. Because people get so upset with the pros by April 15th that they don’t think as much about my little local “tip” that we levy for services render. (We won’t discuss how those services are very much like helpful services. That’s another form of doing it again that we are better off just doing what we can to experience with or without the joy.) In any case happy doing it again folks, regardless of what the doing part feels like before or after.

A MESS OF A MESS

I’ve heard of somebody mentioning a fine mess. Which to me is sort of a contradiction since I can’t think of any real mess that is fine in anyway. But I do appreciate how in many ways that is just an expression. It really isn’t intended to convey the idea that the mess is a good thing. More like it is a disaster that you are calmly dealing with in terms of quiet dignity and grace.

In my case though when I have a mess, I consider it to be a mess of a mess. Because generally I’m always plotting something when it goes sour it does it big time.

For me thus when you start out with something that is sneaking and underhanded or backstabbing you don’t get anything other than a mess if things go wrong. So naturally from my view it will never be fine no matter how I want to look at it.

With a mess you only can do one thing. That is clean it up. If we were talking about just a mistake you could say “OOPS” perhaps even sorry, but not so with something you intentionally were doing wrong. However that doesn’t work if you say I’m sorry because I was trying to steal you blind and mess up at it. There is no I’m sorry for trying to rip you off, just sorry you got caught.

Normally people don’t respond to that kind of being sorry with a lot of sympathy. Plus if they are a backstabbing person themselves you can count on them being even less understanding.

Still I am a realist. I know that no matter how well planned my effort or how brilliant I think the execution of the plan is there are times I appreciate something will go wrong.

So I have allowed myself to set up certain guidelines for general “housekeeping” in the event of a con that gets messy. But just in case the wrong people happen to be reading this posting and you know who you are I don’t think I’ll volunteer my precepts of surviving the dirt of my larceny.

I do wish I could get my guidelines published though. I’m sure it would be beneficial to aspiring crooked politicians just starting out. As long as they didn’t decide to come to my city I wouldn’t mind “sharing the wealth.”

It would be complicated though. I did try once to work it up as a manuscript. However it got to be a difficult write. Basically I had too many sections that I felt were “interesting,” but upon more reflections appreciated that I would have probably had to sum up some sections by merely taking the fifth.

Instead I just want to toss out the little feathers of inspiring thought that you too can with the right amount of effort savor the joy of delving into the mysteries of lying and cheating. As long as you are prepare naturally to find the right type of dustpan in terms of excuses so the mess won’t stink anymore than necessary. Here’s wishing you a messy journey in the land of cons.

WHAT A COUNTRY

There is Russian comedian who got famous using that phrase when he was talking about how things worked in this country. And I agree is sure is some place to live.

I just wanted to take a posting to reflect about how truly remarkable of a nation we do have. Like most people I never have the chance to experience every portion of from sea to shining sea. I’ve not spent time watching the amber waves of grain. On the rare occasions I’ve been traveling where they grow, I’m generally hurrying and cruising through at night so I haven’t noticed them. Oh I know they’re there, because it says so in the song, I just can’t claim to have seen them personally. Plus I guess if they were waving then it would end up in us not eventually having bread in the market so I’ll just accept they are there.

It is like with the purple mountains majesty. Well around where I live there aren’t too many mountains. The nearest ones I can’t see very good, plus the smog has a tendency to keep them from being too visible. So again like with the waves of grain I know they are there because it is in the song. And that is good enough to me. Besides I’m not all that sure I would be able to tell what makes them majestic even if I had seen them. I’ll just be content to know that they must be pretty darn majestic to end up being worth mentioning in a song about beautiful parts of this country.

I don’t wish to be discouraging here, but do you think if they wrote a new version of that song it would be different today? Would we toss in the part about “the glorious skies rich with toxic sighs?” Um just trying to you know be creative. What do you want from a politician anyway.

I know we could also include a part about “City streets rich in crime and strife where a tourist needs a gun and knife to protect his life.” Yeah now that is a great addition don’t you think? As a cool ring of flow to me. But then a lot of things would.

Plus we just couldn’t forget all those wonderful additions to our life since the song was first wrote. Things like drug use, cable televisions, gangs and well a general decline in any morals or other stuff that would for some reason matter to people who still had souls.

Yep, I just think we need to work on writing a real good new update and upbeat version of this song. One that reflects our pride in the fact that over two hundred million totally dysfunctional people can live together, occasionally beat the snot out of each other, lie, cheat and steal and still have time to go out and find some other country to abuse. Now that is greatness!

And just like the comedian, I too would have to say with one proud resounding voice, WHAT A COUNTRY! I think we should all take a bow for proving you don’t have to be sane or even the best at something to be remembered. Keep up the good work folks. It for the record. I won’t say, which one, but you can bet if it is made of gold it will probably be gold plated with a chocolate filling!

TAKE THIS JOB AND...

Okay don’t finish that with the obvious. I know the way the song goes like everyone else. The challenge is to fill it in a different way.

No, I’m not trying to peddle some claptrap positivism non-sense to get you to suddenly see you selfish ogre of a boss as a prince. Or am I suggesting that you dead end job can be transformed into a staircase to fame and fortune with the help of some book I’m peddling.

What I’m speaking about is trying to get to the central and disquieting core truth of working. You need a paycheck. I mean when you strip away all the crap about job satisfaction and all the other stuff somebody wants you to believe, the bottom line is that you aren’t going to do anything in terms of working that doesn’t give you a paycheck.

So rule number one, bend over kid because you’ll never get a break without being ready to kiss somebody’s rear end. Sound abusive to sick? Well go ahead and stand up and be your own person. Then see how far you really get in terms of promotions and raises.

I think the reality here is that you can play the game or lie about not playing the game, but sooner or later if you want a pay check you are going to have to sit down and become a player somewhere. I’ll be the first to admit that sucks. It is a pathetic way to have to endure life, but hey if you want to escape it there just are too many other choices. Last time I checked the job of being the Almighty was filled and normally they don’t accept resumes for positions such as king.

Now unless for some reason you were born to be the next rock star or a world class athlete you’ll normally end up schlepping your way through life like the rest of us. Which is the tune we are going to all dance to whether we like it or not.

Naturally one of the rules in this game is that fair doesn’t count. Cheaters do prosper and liars often get away win winning better than those who tell the truth. Hey, I didn’t make the rules, I’m just reporting.

Well like it or not and most of us don’t that is way life is. I as a Mayor have tried to use that truth to adjust my game plan in terms of politics. Which is why I specialize in lying and doing everything I can to bend the rules in my favor. That’s politics. At least that is as good an excuse as any in my mind.

Does that mean if things were different I would deal with it differently? If honesty were the winning solution instead of lying would I change?

I guess for me those are questions I’ll never have to answer. I’m grateful for that part. In the meantime for the rest of you I say enjoy folks! You can wish you tell your boss to shove it in terms of your job. However odds are you end up just getting farther by shoveling it in terms of the pile of stinking lies that makes the boss think you’re a brown nosy wimp. Whatever works boys and girls is what I say. Let’s face it they don’t give paychecks to you for the fun of it.