SPELL, SWELL AND SELL

I thought this was a nice little effort at rhyming. Do they really go together? In Rash’s world they do.

It starts with allowing your ego to swell. Take nice stroll down memory lane. I mean on the revised path naturally. That’s the one where you have gotten rid of all the unpleasant blunder weeds and just have roses.

Then in your wonderfully deluded state of being practically perfect you let yourself slip under the spell of being convinced you can’t make mistakes. Let me tell you there is nothing more glorious than being able to sit there feeling totally glorified and justified in your life. It such a precious moment.

A word of advice though, it is a type of joy that is best enjoyed while alone. Too many people are prone to do what they can to take away your joy in such situations.

So find someplace cool, refreshing and totally satisfying to indulge in the sway of this mental spell. Trust me it will be swell. Pardon the need to use a worn out version of the word.

Now once you have enjoyed the glories of this type of moment then in time you will be ready for the next phase. That is the harder part.

It is one where you try to sell others on your magnificence. Which means being absolutely sure that you got your brain sufficiently adjusted to your greatness so you are calm and thinking clearly.

Above all though it is absolutely essential that one feel relaxed. Because the more relaxed you are the more likely you’ll be able to convey this idea to somebody else in a way that will be convincing.

Let me tell you there is nothing more satisfying that spending a few minutes stripping away the layers of defense others wear by the use of a soft and calm voice and the a look of sincerity in the eyes. It is very rewarding when you can though. Believe me it doesn’t hurt the old ego at all!

I suggest you give it a try. You might be surprise the rewards that could come your way from such option.

I’m not promising you that miracles will come your way or that you will be idolized by throngs of admirers. But I am suggesting you might charm your way to a new life in small ways.

And sometimes that is worth more than all the money in the bank. I say that for the benefit of the broke so they won’t feel so bad about being losers. Don’t worry folks as long as you smile and act with charm it doesn’t matter how many bucks you have in the bank.

SLEEP EASY

Being able to sleep without worrying is something I’ve invested a fair amount of time trying to accomplish. And let me tell you that is never easy.

The big problem is that I consider myself to be a victim of circumstance. Yep, a victim! See I have the problem of being a hopeless selfish rat. I just can’t help it. Well it sounds good at least.

Now I ask you how in the world does a person honestly deal with greed without breaking the law? I’m sorry, but honestly might be the best policy, but let’s be realistic in that regard. The only kind of policy you actually get with honesty is a life insurance policy that your widow gets to spend when you die, broke, miserably and a loser. Hey, you might not like it, but then if you don’t I bet you are one of those “I’ll never cheat anyone” lying types who manages to steal when nobody is looking. Good for you is what I say.

Meanwhile for the rest of us real people who know lying, cheating and stealing are facts of life then I offer up the Limburger method of surviving and getting a decent nights rest. For starters I say never turn down any helpers. You know those little helpful aids that makes life go by so much easier. I won’t bother to go into details. I’m sure most people are experts at knowing how to “score” in that regard.

Beyond that option the other thing to consider it what I call the detour method. It is amazing how if you can get somebody else to worry about a problem it makes it some much peaceful for yourself.

Yep, just think of somebody to call or tell a friend or whoever, but if you do it at night and get them to panic you just automatically can relax. I used to try that with my wife, but she got smart and started reversing on me. She would tell me crap and I would end up staying up half the night worrying.

Now I call my secretary. Edna is a natural born worrier. She has such an incredibly talent for it.

So if something is on my mind I just call Edna and tell her to be sure she doesn’t let me forget about the next day. I can always tell by her voice when she has taken it to heart and beginning to think about it to the point she’ll worry all night.

Then I mosey off to bed and feel so much better. It really calms me down. Of course I realize that you may not have an Edna in your life who is a natural at worrying.

If you are poor in that regard. Then let me know. I bet I can work out a deal where you can reach her to worry for you.

Of course we will have to work out the details in terms of compensation. But don’t let that stop you, I won’t charge you too much.

GIVING IT A YAWN

This is perhaps something less than giving it the old college try. Which I always thought was kind of silly in the first place considering a lot of people never go to college. Giving it a yawn to me is a way of saying whatever is hopelessly unbearable, stupid and pointless. But for one reason or another YOU have to participate.

Like with me that at City Hall means being involved with the most god-awful boring routines at times. These are things at times that are hardly worthy of the old kindergarten try, let alone the college try. Still I’m stuck with them because I’m the Mayor.

That carries with it the added pain of knowing I have to make whatever sound appealing and interesting to others. Good luck with that!

However despite all the lunacy and stupidity we still have to muddle through and make ti all seem like a good idea. It never is, but we try.

I guess I even bring this up because, well it bores the heck out of me and I like to have company in my misery. At the same time I also feel perhaps by sharing I get to have a chance to let some poor other slob know his isn’t the only life that sucks.

Perhaps the one thing I find most fascinating is how we have to pretend about this whole thing. We aren’t allowed to sit down and be honest about the crap that makes us yawn.

The reason perhaps is because it is so much easier to deal with if we don’t allow the facts to depress us. Somewhere in the brain by relying upon keeping things out of the truth pig pen of crap we don’t want to think about, there is this little voice that says, “No, please don’t make me go there!” So being the pillars of runaway resolve that we are, we do just that, close our eyes and beg somebody to make it feel better. It never works, which is why we end up yawning, but I try to have fun with it anyway.

I am a subscriber to the philosophy that if you can beat them, make fun of them. And to accomplish that successfully you have to join them in terms of allowing them believe you actually like them. They might make you vomit when alone, but they don’t need to know that. Providing you have a reason to actually want to abuse them or take advantage of them.

All of that comes down to gentle art of excusing a yawn when you can keep from yawing from the lack of joy and enthusiasm. If I’m adequately inspired that normally allows me to explain about being tired. The reason is one of those fill in the blank type of options. The real key being making sure you get the other slob to buy it is real.

Which is the perfect craft of this whole routine. Giving it a yawn means making sure it is your best yawn. Not one you can’t explain. That way at least the boredom won’t seem as bad as it really is. I savor those successes. After all boredom is a reality when working with dullards, but in between the yawns perhaps with the right effort you can still have a reason to smile!

TWISTS AND TURNS

Nope, I’m not talking about driving. I’m talking about planning. Although I do feel the two are related to some degree. After all if you are going some place you’ve never been it does pay to be prepared before hand.

I know guys get this reputation for being too proud to ask for directions when we get lost, but perhaps if the guy didn’t stuck doing most of the driving that wouldn’t be as big of a problem. At least I know at my house that it the way it works. If my wife and I have to go somewhere, I’m supposed to drive.

I didn’t say that my wife couldn’t drive. Merely that when we go somewhere it sort of becomes my duty to get behind the wheel. Personally I think that is so my wife can devote her time to being sure she points out every thing she thinks I do wrong while driving. Oh yeah that is a real ego builder.

My personal solution for not getting lost and having to stop for directions is to never go anywhere with her I haven’t already been. Notice I said that it was anywhere I personally hadn’t been.

See the way it works for me is that I will go out and try to find the place by myself first. And depending on how hard it is to find, I sometimes have to do that a couple of times.

But you can be darn sure when we go together she won’t be able to gripe that I got lost. Actually this is a strategy I developed only recently. Right after we got lost on the way to this dinner and she told the whole group what a knucklehead of a driver I was. That really thrilled me as you can imagine.

Ever since then I make sure I know how to get wherever we have to be. Which has helped make our conversations in the car so much more calm from my point of view.

I still have to allow for one twist and turn that can happen though. That is when they close a road I’m on and I don’t know a different route. What I do is pretend I know where I’m going then I pull out my cell phone and hit the speed dial to ring my pager. Then I give my wife an excuse about my cell phone battery being low and stop at pay phone.

I have the police station’s number memorize so I naturally call and get directions. If I succeed at it right, I can even lie and make it sound like it was official business.

I know that might seem rather silly to go to all that trouble just to keep my wife from finding out I got lost, but you know I imagine I’m not the first person that ever tried it. Besides anything that keeps us from having a reason to do other than smile I regard as essential to maintaining a good marriage. Someday perhaps I’ll even find somebody that actually worked for! Until then the twists and turns while I’m in the car will always be intentional as far as my wife knows!

PLUG IT OR DYE IT

Well on a practical level I suppose this might best apply to a flat tire you plug to fix. No you don’t have the choice of dying it. I guess you could dye a tire, but who the heck would want to?

What has dying got to do with any of that? Exactly my question too. Only I’m going to take a detour here of a philosophical nature. The dying part I’m talking about is the truth.

Flat tires are those little pains in the butt that end up costing money and time to get fixed. But it is hardly glamorous as a chore is it?

I’m not saying it is a stupid thing or a bad thing. What I am talking about is the silly need in my thinking when we have a flat in terms of our life’s car (work with me here, I’m bored and trying to do the best I can okay) and need some “dye” of motivation.

Yeah I know that seems like kind of silly stretch. But hey if a politician can’t stretch the truth who can? After all it you want just the same old truth, no big deal. You can find that anywhere. But if you want crap turned into something else, it takes a politician. That is perhaps what I’m driving at. You got to “plug in those facts at times” and if it doesn’t work then you use some nice dye of whatever to make it look the way it should look. A great option to me, whether it works for you. And just remember you heard it first here!

Now whether you want to remember it is a different story. I’m satisfied and since it is my blog that is all that counts!

EXCEPTIONS

If there is one thing I can list as a “not in this lifetime” choice in terms of experiences, it is the pall of exceptions. That is the situation where you hear about some great bargain and you get all excited and then you show up to the store to find out you don’t qualify because of some exception.

Now I’m personally enough of a hypocrite to say I love creating exceptions. They aren’t illegal if you plan them correctly, but they sure can be a source of great revenge though. And if you work it right you can manage to make it seem like they exist for a good reason.

As a politician exception allow me a great excuse to punish my enemies and reward those I want to still victimize. I didn’t mention friends in any of that because well, I guess I really don’t have enough to figure them in the situation anywhere.

So the way it works as Mayor is I get to sit down and plan some change in the city’s rules that causes problems for the businessmen I hate. The ones that didn’t vote or support me for Mayor. I get to bog them down with all kinds of pain in the butt regulations that can make their life truly miserable. I tell you there is nothing more glorious than having a chance to add a few parking meters in front of some business and claim it is necessary for some lame reason.

Ah, life can be so rewarding at times. Providing the exceptions apply to others and not myself. That again is the problem with exceptions. One has to learn to cope with such distractions. I just do what I can to be sure there are more exceptions heaped on others than on me. In this country I call that democracy. Some others might call it something else, which is tossed in with those other names they give me. But then at least those are exceptions I often can ignore or pretend don’t exist.

THE LITTLE THINGS

This can be either good or bad. The one thing you can be sure is that they will take far more time than you expect. Which is why they end up sometimes turning out to be other than little things.

However they do start out with promise. You look at them and think, “Oh this is going to be easy.” Then by the time you are done you find out easy is never easy.

Take having a flat tire. If you have a jack and lug wrench, it doesn’t have to be a long process. But sometimes it turns ugly. They lug nuts might be practically locked in place thanks to the guy at the tire store. So it takes forever to change the tire. That doesn’t make for a happy ending.

But what makes the flat tire a pain, it that it was unexpected. If your car had a warning light that could tell you, tomorrow you will end up with a flat tire, you could at least plan ahead.

That never happens. Instead it will often happen when you are getting ready for work or on the way to an important meeting. Thus making sure a little thing because a big thing.

Now on the flip side one thing that makes me smile is when the little thing happens to somebody else. They show up for a meeting all stressed out and some little thing just ruined your day.

So in those situations they really do give you a reason to smile. Mainly because you know the other poor sap is miserable. Plus you didn’t have to even plan it.

Ah life does have its rewards at times. One being when the little things bring joy. Hopefully there is more of those than the frowns. Here’s hope your little things stay little.

RERUN JOYS

I guess the people who control what gets on television have decided that if we like a sitcom the first time it was shown, we’ll love it the next time too. That is the only conclusion I can think of when you see the reruns on the air.

They are so dominate that once a series is cancelled it ends up coming back on a different channel and broadcasted again, again and again. Now you know they wouldn’t do that unless they decided we truly loved the idea. Which apparently is partially true since those old shows do obviously get watched.

The same logic must apply at least in Hollywood with regards to sequels and remakes. With the prevailing philosophy being that if one story goes on to be a big hit, then telling it again or doing the same one over later will work.

No matter how many times that ends up being boring or the second movie bombs they still do it again. So obviously somebody thinks it was a good idea. Not me anyone I know that loves movies and television, but somebody.

What am I getting to by mention this detail that everyone else already knows? Just to illustrate a point. We will put up with the most amazing crap at times. Why? Because we are lazy slugs.

You can excuse it any way you want, but the plain fact is the only reason so many things such as reruns exist is because we are simply too lazy to find other means of keeping entertained. God forbid if we had to actually read a book, write something or do exercise. That last one would be the worse option for us diehard couch potatoes.

So let me paint a real picture here. We go to our crappy jobs, get reamed over by our employer, the government and life in general. Then we come home and know tomorrow will be the same thing. Maybe at some point we summoned the courage or discipline to try something different and failed. Then we gave up! Plain and simple.

Hey, I’m including myself in all of this. And I’m doing it in reality to speak out in defense of all us lazy couch potatoes. It is time somebody says that we deserve credit for keeping society going. Why if it wasn’t for us sitting on our big lazy behinds and doing nothing, but vegetating then the whole fabric of society could unravel.

Take a bow you wonderful pudgy, egg shaped citizens. You’re doing a fantastic job and making sure blandness and a lack of creativity helps to keep our glorious nation the seedbed of uninspired mediocrity that the rest of the world hates.

I hope that makes you all take pride in the part you have played in making such a glorious tribute to the joys of being less than excellent. See I know the reality. In due time, ages from now, some future generation will unearth the relics of our country. And the one they will probably find in most abundance will be a remote control. Makes me proud to know we will leave that kind of quality tribute to our achievements.

DO IT AGAIN, BUT...

There is nothing better than a promise. Unless it is when you get a second promise after the person didn’t keep the first one. Then of course there is the even more exquisite moments when you get that third, fourth or even fifth promise when the person didn’t keep the first two.

Am I painting a good picture here? Yep, I speaking of people who smile in a way that you honestly feel is genuine. You believe them. Then if you find out they lied or failed to keep that promise, you believe them again. Why? Mainly it is because we are suckers and far too gullible. Plus, let’s face it, there are simply too many wolves in the world that love to devour.

I know you might be wondering how come given my nature and what I have said before that such lies would suck me in? I have asked myself that a few times too. Part of it is the abiding delusion that most people aren’t as lecherous as I am. Stupid huh?

Well I could claim that I don’t let me get into such situations. It might even be fun in this posting to do so. Believe me I was tempted. Still I figured that too obvious.

Call me silly, but there are times when I guess I just want to serve the purpose of letting people see into my mind and get to appreciate what a scum sucking lecherous old fart goes through. It might help you in terms of dealing with whatever old lecherous fart runs your city or wherever.

Plus I think you just can help, but being puzzled by the curiosity of human nature. Despite all the incidents of disappointment one experiences in life we still like to have hope. Call it a weakness or some residual since of optimism we don’t want to admit, but I think at the core of our essence there is a desire to think in those terms.

I think it is a good quality too. Even though there are dangers, even though there are too many creeps in the world, life and the light of hope will still exists.

I do have one solution though. In my more frustrated moments I allow my mind to drift t the ways of dealing with the people who never keep promises. Ah how that daydreaming ends up being so therapeutic.

Then I have the moment when my mind snaps back to the slap in the face reality that there are probably a few people having the same thoughts about me. That gets a little depressing at times.

Which brings a sudden urge to fleece somebody with another lie. It is sort of like knowing I’m so guilty of doing this I could never do anything to offset that history. So if I’m going to end up being that bad, I might as well make it worth my while.

Yeah, that sucks in terms of improving. At least, in terms of not lying. But it does help with getting votes. And at election time that what really counts for me.

HAVING A CLEAR CONSCIENCE

Oh yeah this is great. Someday I even hope to achieve it. But up to this point the closest I have come is to manage to either live in denial or simple be honest and accept when it comes to some issues I’ll never improve.

At least for the most part I do find ways to get by with the guilt. I’ve even taken up the habit of making a nice list of excuses I can use to justify all my bad behavior. Not that I let anyone look at it. I sure don’t want to risk somebody approaching it logically and pointing out the flaws in my thinking. That is never fun.

I also have managed a nice portfolio of lies. What is the difference between the two? Well for me, an excuse is something I tell myself in order to avoid a sense of guilt. It sounds great. Lies are what I tell other people. Those I know are bogus and since I know they are lies I don’t even worry about them being factual at all.

The trick on that part is to be sure I say something, which can’t be verified by the other person. Keeping it vague helps on that part as do generalities. However the big gun in deception is being able to find somebody else to blame for the whole thing. It is wonderful how if you give somebody a reason to hate somebody else they stop thinking about why they hate you!

Somewhere in the middle of that though I never actually achieve a point of having a clear conscience. All I manage is to reach a point where I’m too drunk or tired to thing of what makes me feel guilty.

I wish I had a way to say write down my helpful techniques for the benefit of others who are engaged in the wonderful and exciting world of lying for a living. I’m sure it could be an invaluable aid to politicians and used car salesman everywhere.

However I have a feeling that probably won’t happen any time soon. I might honestly take a stab at it, providing I can come up with the right kind of alias. I sure wouldn’t want to use my name. Otherwise the people I’ve been lying to might read it. That would definitely not be a good idea.

It is a shame sometimes how such wisdom can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand it helps me to survive. Only I can’t turn it into a book deal without ruining the benefit I get from using the information.

Until I work out that detail I guess I won’t have a chance to do otherwise than lie, buy and sigh. That is lie to others, buy my own excuses and sigh about dreams of how rich I could be if I knew a way to sucker enough people into paying me to learn my techniques.

Still I will keep dreaming. I even think I could come up with my own breakfast cereal for the event. Stash from Rash sounds good. No nutritional value of course, but I would list the names of vitamins on the box so you could pretend you were eating healthy.

FUN IN THE NUMB

Ah yes, now this is the epitome of good, clean fun. Basically it is crap that is so boring and dull that you end up laughing just to keep from crying.

In my little fishpond part of the world called the city of Mediocrity we do have a real bounty of this kind of fun. It is because somebody decided that dull and boring were perfect companions to decent living. Yeah that’s the association people claim.

So my city, well at least on the surface, takes pride in being a real haven for quiet safe living. Like I said that is on the surface. It does allow us to cater to families. As long as they don’t live somewhere that is actually exciting or really entertaining.

Therefore if you are say somebody whose idea of fun includes things like (yawn) having and onion peeling contest or spelling bee or any number of other incredibly boring events then come and visit. You might actually like it here.

Personally I don’t mind so much. What the dullards do to put a smile on their face is their business. However, as Mayor I end up having to attend some of them. Which to me is about as promising in excitement as watching a game of strip dominoes at an old folks home! Nope, as far as I know that hasn’t happened yet. I think they have gambled with dominoes for suppositories, but not a strip version.

Still by mentioning that I think I do give you a reasonable idea of the types of thrill packed adventures you might expect to find in Mediocrity. Doesn’t it make you just crave the chance to come and enjoy the fun? Don’t answer that!

Okay the main reason I’m writing this is because I’m trying to dredge up a little sympathy. It probably isn’t going to work, I’m going to try.

I’m just hoping out there in cyberspace some compassionate soul will really appreciate how tough it is to attend some poetry reading being held by people who are admirers of seventeenth century French poetry. I don’t even speech French, so how the heck am I suppose to enjoy that? I faked it. Which naturally got me invited the next week when they were reading the great works of dead Greek philosophers in their original language. Oh yeah that was a memorable moment for me.

None of this naturally in any way adds to my enjoyment of my job. But I do what I can to try and remember as long as I attend these deals that frankly make my mind go numb then the ordinary people leave me alone. Basically they are so happy I paid attention to their event the lose in any interest in bugging me about real important crap.

This naturally leaves me to suffer the need to just endure having to deal with the crazies in our city. In a way I almost enjoy that part. It hardly ever leaves me with a reason to yawn. Maybe cry a little, but never yawn.

I suppose I better finish this posting. I have to attend a lecture that somehow is going to be about both hatpins and butterflies. I wonder if I can manage to sleep with my eyes open? I guess I’ll find out!

NICKLES AND PICKLES

How much change do you use in a week? That might sound like a stupid question, but honestly I almost never have a need for change. These days with everything getting set up to use ATM card’s everywhere I hardly even use that much cash.

Heck even the vending machines at work accept dollar bills at this point. And the fast food places when I go to them also take ATM. So in my book it just doesn’t put me in a position where I need to lug around much in the way of coins.

That’s me of course, maybe you are different. Perhaps you use a Laundromat or buy a paper out of a machine. I have washer at home and subscribe to the paper so I don’t worry about that problem.

Nope for me life in that regard is pretty darn satisfying. Which in part is why I thought it merited being mentioned in a posting. After all it is so easy to find those that gripe in postings. So I thought I would offer up a little uplifting reflection on what you might find a good thing.

Well that is my desire of course. And if you are groaning or yawning please keep it to yourself. At least with the computer I don’t have to listen!

Okay I suppose some of might be wondering, what has any of this got to do with pickles that were in the title? Thank you for noticing!

Actually they don’t have anything to do with nickels. So there. And I’m not even going to pretend that I can make nickels and pickles relate to each other beyond the fact that they rhyme.

But for the purpose of trying to some degree to make this have any sense at all I will say that if you get use to not using any coins and then come to a place that you have to have some it can really put you in a pickle. How’s that?

Not good enough! Shut up! Hey I’m slaving away here everyday putting this crap out and the least you could do is be satisfied with what I shove in your face. That’s gratitude for you or should I say me.

In any case, I don’t like pickles so I could care less if you could even buy them for a nickel because I’m not spending the money in the first place. If you want, knock yourself out, I’m not going to do it.

I hope this little interlude of nickel and pickle reflection has in any way been uplifting and informative. If not then well, you shouldn’t have such high hopes from something that is fee you silly cheapskate!

Now where else can you come and read a posting that mentions pickles and nickels together while insulting you and then calls you a cheapskate in the process and hopes you find it uplifting? See that sure be worth something just don’t say what!

HOME SWEET MOAN

Well maybe home is sweet for some people and it can be for me too at times, but there are other occasions when it can be downright scary. That is where the moaning part for me occurs.

Now perhaps in television’s fantasyland where families are perfect and everything works out in their favor there are only smiles and never frowns. I think it is wonderful that a bunch of gorgeous and well paid actors augmented by a staff of writers are able to create your “typical” family and make us believe such a life is possible.

At least it works in Hollywood. Maybe it doesn’t work anywhere else on the planet, but in Hollywood it apparently. Still it doesn’t keep me from having that image stuck in the back of my mind and thinking, “how come my family can’t be more like that.”

I mean it is like breakfast. First of all there are many mornings when we are not all at the breakfast table before heading off to wherever. And my wife actually cook breakfast? I guess if you consider taking a couple of cold Pop Tarts and smearing some jam on them as cooking she qualifies. That is providing my son or daughter actually come to the breakfast table, which is a crap shoot at best.

As for my wife, well she is definitely not a morning person. So anyone who thinks she is going to look like she’s ready to pose for a glamour magazine at that time of the day is bound to be disappointed.

Not that I have any room to brag. I’m barely awake myself and hoping the cups of coffee with restore my brain to some level that can be called functional. Lots of luck on that part.

Does my home sweet moan sound more like your home than the one in the sitcoms? If so they cheer up, your probably far more normal than you think.

See that was my whole desire with this posting. I wanted to be sure I gave people hope. You don’t have to be ashamed of being grumpy and looking like a slob or even warmed over death in the morning. Thank god you can be free to just be your old disgusting self and know you can smile because most of the rest of us are that way too.

I hope that helps a few people who might have been wavering in their grasp of reality and actually toying with the idea they have to smile at the breakfast table. Be free folks. Enjoy the natural right you have to look at the morning as a necessary evil instead of an opportunity to act weird in a perky sort of way.

If I have even spared one poor neurotic soul from the slavery of trying to be a happy face moron when they are really trolls then it was worth it. Consider this a great public service that I have perform to help insure the sanity of those who might be afraid to accept their real nature. Trust me folks beyond so many neighborhood doors there are a lot more home sweet moan locations than the other kind.

JUST IN CASE

This falls under the category with me of, “I’d better do this as a precaution so I don’t end up looking stupid for taking somebody’s advice when I should have known better.” I wish I didn’t even have to have that category. However I have learned that you can’t deal with people and ever expect them to say what they mean or keep promises in every case. Sometimes I run across the exception, but it is the exception.

Being a politician and liar by nature I’m use to not telling the truth. Which is why I have to guard myself in terms of how I interpret what other people say. It is a guess game to be sure, but I’m content to keep playing and even winning at times.

Okay now have said that I should elaborate I suppose on the different situations when “just in case” has different relevance. For example when you are dealing with moody people or those utterly prone to be negative, just in case isn’t a precaution it is mandatory! I mean exaggeration is so darn second nature to such folks. With them the sky doesn’t fall by accident, it is on purpose and the consequence of somebody who wants to ruin their day. The personal side is the elemental focus one has to appreciate in such thinking.

So beyond those who are prone by emotional need to be bad factual reporters there are also the ones with a specific “ax” to grind. That means to me they have a philosophy or belief system that colors every thing they say and do. For them it is their ulterior motive. You just have to be darn sure you know it too before taking their advice. Because if you don’t then you will definitely leave yourself opened for being blindsided by some “just in case” your gut told you was lying behind what their lips were saying.

It really isn’t that complicated. If you see a guy wearing a “save the whales” button you might not want to take his advice on taking some wildlife preserve area and turning it into a parking lot. That might seem like a silly example, but it is my whole point, this whole thing is silly. Because let’s face it, people are silly. Even me in case you think I’m just talking about others.

In any case while some my have the blessings of not having to worry about such things, I do. Quite often as fact. Which isn’t always bad. It does manage to keep life interesting at times as long as I can enjoy dealing with people and maintain a good attitude about the whole process. So far I have achieved that.

Which comes down to me driving to work every day and before I get out of the car at work I just say to myself, “On with the show!” The only thing I never know for sure is who will be on stage for this day’s performance.

One of these days you can be darn sure that I’m going to offer to buy a few clown suits for some of the folks I have to deal with where I need to play the “just in case” card. At least I could smile at the outfit even if they were telling me a said story. That would in many ways be so much easier than having to wait till they were gone to have to laugh behind their back!

SPIES LIKE THEM

The city where I live isn’t exactly a haven for government agencies. So when I’m speaking of spies, I’m not talking about the kind looking for classified data. I would pity the poor spy who would come to our city looking for that kind of info. About the best he might manage is to steal some old ladies secret recipe for stew prune casserole or some other god awful food. If he wants that kind of secret he can have it as far as I’m concerned.

I suppose I could talk about corporate spies. That is if we had any big corporations in our city that had a branch office or headquarters that was their secret hiding place for secrets. I reckon I could manage to hide a few details about where we keep our office supplies at city hall if that would entice some super spy to visit. However I doubt knowing where we store our extra paper clips would do them much good.

However we do have a brand of spy that is far more deadly and threatening to our lifestyle and freedom than any of those types. I’m speaking of the most despicable and malevolent of creatures. The ones that love to spy out your pleasure and stealing it from you.

They have many faces and come in many sizes. Some carry a bible, others have some form of boredom torture device that if it doesn’t kill your with monotony will possible drive you insane.

Normally the bible thumpers have the best handle of ruining one’s attempts at having a party. However in my city we have the groups who aren’t necessarily so adamant in the religious area, but are totally concerned with decency. That is almost as bad if not worse in some cases.

That’s because I can generally use that cope out about the separation of church and religion when it comes to the bible thumpers. They do understand the law thank goodness.

With the decency folks it is a lot tougher to blow them off. Because if they even think you are doing that boy will they find a new way to be extra cruel.

Plus you can pretty much figure they will also be parents. Which means they will blab to other parents too. And that folks is extra scary because nothing can frightening me more than a bunch of middle aged housewives and mothers who are on the warpath about morality or some other thing that pisses them off. A sense of humor they don’t have!

Lucky thing for me is that among that babble rabble there are the few angels. They are the ones I get to visit for private meetings at their homes while their husbands are out doing whatever. And let me tell you those darlings can do all the spying they want. I never complain when they bring me to heaven in their bedrooms. Of course I do have to worry some about how they keep secrets. But then I also know that is a risk you have to take with spies.

GOING UPTOWN

To me this isn’t really exist as an actual place where I live. I mean that the city of Mediocrity is a thriving metropolis in terms of dullness and lethargy. So our entire city is basically boring and the same.

Thus we don’t really so much of a poverty section or rich neighborhood. We do have the places where lower class live and others where the upper class live. Only our lower class are well, sort of less that special at being lower class so their housing isn’t quite pure poverty. Likewise our upper classes are also not that upper either. So they too lack the luster of their suppose affluence.

Therefore in the process we don’t end up with anywhere that might by some standards qualify as “uptown” if you consider uptown and meaning more classy and sophisticated than the rest of the city. My interpretation naturally. I just consider it to be homogenized blandness. All citizens united together for the common cause of perpetuating the joy of being Mediocrity.

Some people might not take pride in that kind of lukewarm existence. For me I look upon it as a celebration of the predictable. It is something you can count on no matter what else happens. So you can wake up with the simple anticipation that the morning paper will most likely engender a yawn and not much more.

Which is to be honest okay for me. See as long as the population is okay with that option then I as Mayor don’t have to give much thought to ways of improving the place. They just take it as it is and I can live with it.

Of course that doesn’t mean I haven’t invented my own version of going uptown. My wife sort of makes me have the occasional outings to places that leave us feeling we have some ounce of class. It is a game naturally and one that can be real pricy too on occasions.

Still if going over to one of our more expensive restaurants and ordering something totally outrageous helps her think we are classy and uptown then I can live with it. Then when we go home, she falls asleep on the couch to sleep off those three bottle of campaign she consumed. The next day she will get up and brag to her girl friends about what a good time we had.

I just file away the credit card bill under “another uptown fantasy” come true as long as nobody checks the facts. Ah, there is a great magic in living in dream world. We manage pretty well too. At least from where I’m sitting.

That is the place in my mind where it is always uptown. I just don’t have to pay the high prices of a real uptown to live there.

So for now, we play the little game. Which is often played by so many others too. Sometimes we even join them for dinner at the same restaurant. And as long as nobody tells the truth none of us has to eat crow!

DEAL, FEEL AND SQUEAL

Now this particular posting probably falls best under the category of Rash’s helpful hints for surviving in the real world where lying, cheating and stealing are NOT fantasies or NO-NO’s. They are a fact of life not a myth of life!

That means in order to survive, in particularly as a politician, that you have to do more than your share of dealing. I’m talking about the kind of bargaining that isn’t a compromise, it is a down right bribe.

Okay so enough of the fundamentals of breathing and existence on planet, “Oh my god it sucks down air without a dollar air freshener!” Um that’s my little side note of a touching and sentimental nickname for earth.

So the thing is to me that you have to be sure when making these deals that your mark, er, associate or partner comes away “feeling” happy about the deal. The more larcenous and illegal the deal, the more critical it is that the other person “feels” happy about it.

Otherwise it can get real ugly and that means they might end up deciding an option is to “squeal,” which can definitely ruin any deal. Ignoring or failing to remember that part can be so regrettable, especially if later you are standing before some judge and he’s giving you a nice vacation in one of those places with bars. I’m speaking of the type of bars that affect your eyesight, not the ones where you get to order a drink.

The first rule to a truly successful deal then is making sure you know your partner. I’m speaking more of what makes the person freak out. For example there are some people who if they find out you “borrowed” an extra quarter in terms of expenses they go ballistic. There are others who will let you pick their pocket and then say thank you and even give you a tip!

Being able to recognize the difference does take time. You have to actually pretend to like the person long enough to let them spill their guts about their life and joys and dislikes. Heck with some people that means spending time socializing with them.

Hopefully they enjoy doing some of the things you enjoy. I hate to talk about the times I’ve spend doing things that lead to a yawn in order to make sure I could seal some deal. I don’t want to even think how many truly boring events I’ve attended and tried to show and interest in to suck up to somebody just to get a few extra bucks. I would hate myself if I wasn’t so in love with how great I am at conniving!

Perhaps the hardest part is staying in touch with the person I just ripped off. That way I cut down on the risk of them getting offended and finding out the truth about how I was just using them. I mean why should I have to suffer by letting them find out the truth? Is that really fair? Well okay, don’t answer it, but it doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it and it doesn’t mean I have to accept that option if I can avoid it. What can I say, I’m a leech who just doesn’t want to allow spending my time acting scummy ever interfere with me having a good time!

WHAT'S TRUTH GOT TO DO WITH IT

Okay tell me that truth is important. That everyone would truly prefer to hear the true than a lie. Oh yeah! Well let me tell you one thing the truth my set somebody free, but it sure don’t pay the bills.

Which is part of my most adamant desires in life. Basically to help so many poor misguided souls cross over that bridge from expecting truth to living with reality.

I’ll grant you the truth can be important. However is it really that critical to every aspect of our lives.

Let’s be honest here. Er perhaps honest is a bad choice of words when you are talking about truth not really being all that special. Maybe I ought to say let’s consider, ah that sounds better, um where was I? Oh yeah let’s consider the actual realm in which we live.

Essential as far as I can tell denial is the most useful tool people use to survive. We don’t really want to know what they put in our food. As long as it tastes good do we really ask what is in it? I know there are those alleged health nuts who will protest that they care. I just have one word for you, LIAR!

That’s right, I’m calling the health gurus a bunch of big fat, er lean liars. But that’s okay. I’m cool with that. Because that is the whole point of my little posting. Deep down regardless of what we say, we love to hear what sounds good a lot more than what is true.

Hence my question. What has truth really go to do with getting through the day? For me personally I live without it most of the time. Despite being a Mayor and in charge of our city’s budget my personal finances are a disaster. Yet I do have to play the game of pretending to watch expenses.

Naturally I drive to work in gas operated car because I like it. I know it is polluting the atmosphere. Do I care? If you ask, I’ll just step on the gas!

Is there an upside to any of this? Sure. I call it live and churn. That is make the other poor slob do the worrying about the problems. Me, I know that most of what ails us is going to get worse. So it is just so much more darn fun to smile, deny and lie. Works for me. Come to think of it there just isn’t much that doesn’t work for me as a rule.

As for the rest of you, when you decide to stop kidding yourself and want to join me at the playground where fun is the only truth I can about, then great. Until then don’t bothe me.

Yep, life is strange at times, but even more so if you insist upon being silly about it. I like silly, just no in a way that should count.

Keep smiling folks. Remember problems never last forever, just the rest of your life!

YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT

Now isn’t that a wonderful image? Is that gratitude or what? It might not be the traditional idea of gratitude, but I think at times it is far too close to the truth. Wish it was otherwise.

With some people it is truly amazing how you can help them and instead of it making them happy or grateful they get addicted to the help. So when you are done they don’t say thank you, they say, “more, more, more!”

What is incredible is how they never see anything strange in this approach. Nor do they in any way understand why you would get upset with them or lack a desire to help again if they take such a position.

Okay none of that is surprising or new is it? And I bet you are probably thinking to yourself, “I give up on such creeps and don’t bother.”

To which I say, “good for you!” I just wish that was my choice in all situations. But it isn’t because I am a politician.

I believe Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” How does that apply to this posting? Basically I think it means that you simply can expect to provide anything that is universal in its worth.

Wouldn’t it be great if it was otherwise? But it isn’t. So in my situation where sucking up, lying, bribing and stealing are about as statesmanlike as I get then I have to accept satisfying people is sort of like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded weapon. You might as well blow your brains out to expect it will improve anything.

So my approach then is screw it. Well in terms of emotionally. The rest becomes a simple joy of making sure I don’t piss away valuable effort pretending that I care when I know it will just produce heartache.

It is a sad song, one that doesn’t necessarily inspire joy or happiness. However there is joy in that Mudville of frowns even if you as the Mighty Casey did strike out in a conniving plot. How it happens is by being a prophet.

Yes that is right. I get my thrills essentially by sitting down and predicting who will be an ungrateful creep and who won’t. When I’m successful I pat myself on the back and rejoice that I didn’t get shafted in the process.

On the other hand if I screw up and misread some person is would be grateful, well I guess for me OOPS works. Oh I am sorry to some degree, but not enough to try and worry about it. Which comes to my version of the great President’s comment about fooling the people. Rash’s version, “You can fool anyone at least once with the right kind of lie. And if you fail, you’re okay as long as somebody else gets the blame!” Okay it ain’t Lincoln quality. But what do you want from a Mayor like me?

GIVE AND TAKE, BUT MAINLY TAKE

Yep, compromise may be the way to cooperation, but greed will win out in terms of success. That is a Rash philosophy.

In my situation I do savor the illusion of being cooperative. If I can make a person honesty think I’m a pussycat and pushover while the whole time plotting the best way to stab them in the back, I’m in my perfect element. And from what I’ve seen I’m not alone.

I treat it as being a little like putting a price sticker on a new car. You put the price on it alright that the customer thinks he’ll have to pay. Then you have all the extra costs like sales tax that get tagged on later. However at the time it looks impressive in terms of the amount he thinks he will pay.

I think the only think that bugs me is how come I even have to play this game in the first place? It would be so much easier if up front I could be honest and say something like, “look I’m going to help you, but at a big cost. So just hand me your wallet and I’ll take what I want and then we’ll get along fine.”

Does that work? Not in real life. People are far more content with a big fat lie regardless of the facts than the real truth in that regard. And you know what? In the end the results are the same. It doesn’t matter to me how prudent or smart they are. Sooner or later I’m going to find their blind spot and exploit it. The longer it takes, the more I will suck out of them as offset for the added cost.

So it would just be so much simpler if they would cooperate and not make me put up with that kind of silliness in the first place. However I’m sure that will never happen as long as I have to deal with people with too much pride and not enough common sense.

So life moseys along with me doing most of the talking, somebody else doing the giving and thinking they are going to do the taking. I grant them the illusion of thinking they have pulled a fast one. Because normally by the time they figure out they got shafted they are too embarrassed to complain about it. Which works for me whether it works for them.

Ah life is such a sweet melody of I did it my way that is often sung off key by people who truly can’t sing the con job song very well. I just sit back, managing to go deaf while the ramble on trying to impress themselves.

Listening is the least I can do for them considering that I am about to rip them off for a fabulous amount whether they can afford it or not. Yeah it isn’t fair. I figure life isn’t fair to begin with so why should I be any different.

If you want kindness, go see somebody who gets paid to look like they care. As for me, I’ll just end up making you feel good and for a price you probably can’t afford. If I do my job right though you won’t be upset enough or notice enough to have a reason to complain.

HEAD IN THE CLOUDS, BUTT IN THE DUMP

Daydreaming can be fun as long as you remember it is a dream and not reality. I don’t mind having a vision or being positive, but if you aren’t going to ever visit the real world, then don’t knock on my door to say the sky is purple! Translation? Enjoy your imagination, but don’t be an idiot!

Honestly I can’t blame some people for succumbing to the joys of living where only the sun of favor shines. Even if they can’t live there it is a far better place to pretend than some dump of reality that makes you want to upchuck with depressions.

But despite my sympathy for their condition, I still need these folks to come out of the clouds and taste the land where they actually live from time to time. And especially when they are working for me. I’m sorry, but if in your dreams you are a god, fine. However when I’m paying your salary, even if it is minimum then you’re an employee and that means WORK!

Oh I know that is a terrible shock to the system of self deluded gods. All that having to mill around and hob nob with the dullards and ordinary can be so traumatic.

However unless you have a way to wave some rented magical wand and suddenly become a real god (um little g of course) then get real and remember you are stuck like the rest of us poor working slobs. Which means keeping your butt as busy as your mind in terms of facing what is your lot in life.

It can be a tough option for all the regrettably reality challenged gophers and lackeys of the world, but there is no way I can take away where you butt has to hang. So get over it and stop remaining in some perpetual fog of stupidity just so you don’t have to kid yourself about your real life.

Somebody made the far too famous comment once about the fact that life sucks. And I think no matter how much it sucks to know life sucks, it is better to give it something suck on instead of yourself than pretend everything is perfect.

Now that is my no-nonsense approach for the working man. It might not be anywhere as nearly much fun as keeping your head in the clouds, but it does keep you from having as far to fall when you do have to stop flying.

So you might has if I apply this rule to my own life? Are you kidding? That is my whole approach on this thing. I got to be sure all the ordinary grunts stay real so I don’t have to. Yep, you darn right it is a double standard. And I’m darn proud of it. I figure it is inspiration. If I can get one poor working stiff to see how if they worked hard enough they could end up a lazy creep like me who lives in the clouds, great.

Meantime I tell the, WORK! I’ll do the dreaming for both of us. And the partying part too! Hey it is not fun just imagining having a good time unless you can actually have one too sometimes!

PRAISE THE...

Nope this isn’t been turned into a spiritual blog. I wouldn’t want to compete with all the other spiritual blogs that will save you, curse you, take you to heaven or the other place and do it all in the same paragraph, with appropriate bible references thank you very much.

What I’m talking about here is the simple art of praise. But I mean real praise, not crap. I participate in this one organization that emphasizes the need to encourage its members. So they strife to have you praise another member and then naturally common courtesy sas you should do the same thing.

They have a special feature where you can post various items you right and then somebody can comment on them. Of course it is in reality a game. I praise you work and then you do the same to mind.

The big problem is that it is all a dreadful façade. People do praise, but seldom is it genuine or insightful. Most of it is simple phrases the person wrote in order to get you to do the same for them.

Adding to the “experience” that have these cute little contest where you can win bragging rights so to speak. They also award you some kind of little symbol to add to your membership page to show how great a person you are. Each is sort of a like a heart or happy face for things like most inspirational.

Anytime there are awards you can be sure there will be politics. Even though they are all contrived let me tell you there is all kinds of maneuvering behind the scenes so people can collect all kinds of these symbols. Like it really will in anyway improve your life!

It, like the praise is mainly an illusion, but it works so darn well. Sometimes I even get caught up in the frenzy and silliness. Why, I guess it is because I have an ego too and once and a while need a little hug in that regard even if I know it is baloney. But every one and a while I do love the taste of baloney.

Part of me is sad that such games have to be played in order to inspire the kind of praise that should come naturally, but it is reality. So we all play the game to some degree. And as long as we don’t destroy the illusion by thinking about it too hard then it works.

For me, well whenever I’m feeling a little stressed out from having spent too much time dwelling on how much of a rat I am, I love to stop by the group for a dose of fantasy and hugs. And even though I know it is imagination, I still feel better after I have taken the time to stop by.

Then I get to go back to the real world where there are more barbs than hugs. A band aid helps at times. Even if I have to get it at a bar!

PARTY YAWN

A party to me by its very name implies something that should be intended for pleasure. That is if it is a social event. But there are other meanings for the word party, such as a political party.

I wish I could say those were suppose to be fun and entertaining, but I’m not sure everyone would share that opinion. My only question is how come we can turn political parties into good time events? Heck, despite the rhetoric spewed out during election time and all the finger pointing as well as flag waving do most people really treat political parties as useful and helpful entities? I’m afraid the answer to that question is in too many cases no.

So we end up with something other than an occasion where you have an excuse to act silly, get drunk, try to score with some equally polluted member of the opposite sex, eat something tasty and sit back the next day nursing a hangover. Instead it seems that political parties end up having a party where only they have a good time and play the fun games. You on the other hand end up getting stuck with the bill and a hangover that last till the next election.

Yep as a politician I am admitting this is reality. I don’t say it with pride as much as regret. If it were up to me I would prefer if we deal with politics more as a circus than something serious. Now I don’t wish to be cruel, but does anyone seriously want to tell me that the state of our union is honestly a utopia or even close? Oh you can be sure the prevailing administration will claim that and also try to take credit for it. They will give lip service to the problems, but with the usual degree of pontification regarding how their plan will lead to some new era of progress as well as peace and happiness for everyone.

Um I hope you will excuse me while I yawn. After all we’ve been too so many of these electoral parties that were sadly totally boring from my point of view and I don’t see that improving at any point.

Which is why I say it is time to take the yawn out of politics. Come on let’s have a real party. Let the candidates dress up like clowns and perform tricks. Then we can all sit around and just pretend it doesn’t matter. We can swap lies about how great lie may become without having to remember how much it honestly sucks. Why heck we can even send out for pizza.

Then later we can sit back and just plain stop pretending we care. After all it is the caring part that makes us yawn the most since it is so boring to act like we have passion when we don’t.

In the end, at least we will have a far better time in the daydreaming and gluttony of feasting as opposed to reality’s headache. All we have to do is stop being so in need of a nap from boredom to stay awake long enough to close our eyes and not ever have to look at reality seriously again!

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE...

Why is it at times that the easy something seems it ends up being incredibly difficult? Oh I’m not saying it is like that in every case, just too often in the ones that you honestly didn’t expect it because it was such a minor issue.

I hope I’m not being too vague here, but it is hard all the time to come up with an example that doesn’t lend itself to um, shall we say, incrimination. So let me do what I can to think of an instance that I figure it would be safe to mention for the sake of this posting.

I guess in this instance the best example I can think of is when I had to go for parent/teacher night at my son’s school. Rash, junior is not exactly the most outstanding of students. Okay I’ll be honest is has managed to inherit all my bad qualities and is apparently proud of the fact. Only since he is still inexperienced at what makes a good con there are the occasions when he blunders and manages to get caught.

However the school in their infinite wisdom elected to not contact me when they found out for example that he was running a betting parlor in the furnace room. Instead they decided to wait till parent/teacher night to bless me with the news.

Here I am innocently tooling off for the conference and thinking that this is going to be a little affair, nothing major or any type of big trouble. Then I get there and all of sudden the teacher decides to regale me with all the fabulous laws my son has managed to break while attending the school. Was I happy? Not hardly.

I did manage to cope, which was complicated by the fact that his one teacher does speak in a rather loud voice by habit and succeeded in sharing my son’s exploits at a volume that was overhead by some other parents. That was not exactly my proudest moment, let me tell you.

When I got home my son and I had a nice little chat about his behavior. I suppose I ought to have play the dad more and given him one of those fatherly lectures regarding the deficiencies in his behavior. That is what I promise his teacher I would do.

I guess it shouldn’t have been a problem for me to do that. But you know it was. The thing is I’ve never had any trouble playing the hypocrite. So that wasn’t the problem.

What I did though was to model my lecture after one I received from my father when I ended up being guilty in high school of similar misdeeds. It had worked for me so I thought it would work for him too.

My approach was to attempt to reason with him with a few pointers on how to refine his act to avoid getting caught. You know pass on the benefit of my own experience in hopes he would avoid future instances of getting caught.

I thought my speech was great. And he did listen. So I labored under the delusion that my effort had been a success. That was until the next parent/teacher’s meeting. It is the one where I was informed by his scheme to blackmail his teacher with some compromising photos he managed to obtain. I guess I didn’t cover the in finer points of blackmail with them. So it is back to the drawing board for me and hopefully a second father/son chat that helps to guide him out of the place where he risks being caught!

TAKE IT AND TAKE IT AND TAKE IT

There are some people when they are offering you a so-called bargain will say “take it or leave it.” Meaning naturally they aren’t giving you choice. If you want what they are offering you have to do it on their terms and if you refuse then you are out of luck.

That might work for some ruthless salesman or businessman who has something to sell that you can’t live without. However in the politics game you can only accomplish it with a little finesse where you make the person think they really had a choice.

It is a matter of smiling and using the right phrased lies so that the person genuinely things it is the best choice. All the while of course greed is the underlying power of one’s motives. Just avoiding making it obvious is the means to be sure you leave your victim thinking they weren’t really victim.

Naturally in quieter moment of reflections I do revel in those wonderful moments when this whole con job works. Of course in my version there are nothing, but successes. After all if you can lie in your diary that only you plan on reading then who can you honestly lie to?

I just wish there was some way to put a slant on this that made it seem more well, noble. Oh not that I want to give up the profit or joy of lining my pocket at somebody else’s expense, but hey it would be nice from time to time not to put up with my conscience. I’m still working on ways to have it surgically removed.

I can’t prove it, but I just keep believing that there is a doctor somewhere who can perform that kind of operation. After all you can convince me that between lawyers, used car salesman, politicians and even some of those televangelists that somebody doesn’t have a need to deal with guilt. So it only stands to reason they have found a way to take a pill or manage to have their conscience removed in one way or another.

But until the time occurs when I do manage such an achievement I will have to endure the usual ailment of enduring a sense of right and wrong. It is a pain. Just not one that I allow to interfere with my attempts to enjoy life.

I suppose I ought to in some way pretend that I have some remorse over such value. Like I said, I suppose I ought to. However remorse won’t pay the bills! And let me tell you when it comes to my bank account remorse is just an urge that I know if I ignore long enough it will go away.

Meantime the joyous adventures of take it or take it continues to thrive in my part of the world. Not perhaps so I can turn it into a movie or celebrate it as I wish, but enough to make it worthwhile to pursue.

One of these days I may even manage to find a great way to package my approach so it will be marketable. Rash’s ravishing reality has a nice ring, but not sure about the flavor you use for lies yet. I’ll work on it.

GRAND OPENINGS

This should be a good thing right? And as tradition normally dictates it seems that with a grand opening they people hosting it give away stuff and offer entertainment as part of their way to get you to come and check out their crap. Basically we know the term is most often associated with a business.

Not every business, mind you. For example you probably wouldn’t see that kind of fanfare with something such as a funeral home just starting out. I don’t get the feeling people would warm up to a discount of say a “two for one” deal on cremations. Ah, thank you, but no thank you.

Another type of business that generally doesn’t have grand openings is organized crime. Well if they do, they don’t make a big deal of telling everyone. I can imagine it might be a tad awkward if they did. It would probably be a “bring your own gun” type of affair. Maybe bullets provided for free. Um if you do get invited and somebody mentions about “cement” and “shoes” together, don’t assume it is about selling shoes!

One more place you don’t get grand openings either is with government. Every time we elect a new bunch of cutthroats to office they don’t have a party and invite the rest of us to come join the fun. Oh they do send us the bill. Unless you have figured a way to avoid paying taxes.

Plus I don’t know they do have that bothersome aspect of having to worry about little things like national security. It would be hard to invite the whole country for a grand opening at the capital and then figure out a way to strip search all those who showed up in a timely manner. I don’t know, but being herded into some room for a body cavity search just would spoil the mood for me.

So I think it is a good thing they don’t try to host a grand opening. Although I suppose somebody might come up with a creative way to do it down the road. You never can tell with us politicians what kind of inspiration they will come up later.

Until that day, I shall dream of my own version of a grand opening for the big boys in politics. I would include a dunk tank full of piranha where you could have the loser be the one you got to try and dunk in the tank. It might cut down on people running if they lost and then trying to run again.

Perhaps we could even arrange for a special “flogging” day where the winners got to let people use a whip on the losers. Heck I wouldn’t mind buying tickets for that kind of an event. Could be a really money maker.

As for entertainment what would be a better way to top off the whole grand opening that to have the military do a performance. They could treat the visitors to a spontaneous “strafing and bombing” display. I bet it would really rip your heart out, literally. Ah it is to dream!

Well it all sounds great to me. But then I bet the boys running the show will just give us the same kind of open house they always do. It is the one where it happens every April 15th and amounts to them opening your house and taking what they want.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE...

I wish every time I woke up the smell of coffee was the one that first hit my nostrils. But that isn’t the case. And I know it is just a saying. Which naturally implies that one needs to wake up mentally and let the smell from the coffee of facts make you really be able to see what is gong on.

It is a nice sentiment, if not always practical. I mean unless you happen to live in a coffee house and these days with them springing up all over the place so fast it might happen, you might not always find that blast of caffeine when you need it.

Still I do try and find the coffee that will make me awake to reality when possible. It isn’t easy, but I do try.

I wish the same could be said of my help. Most of them not only wouldn’t try to find the right kind of coffee, but even if they do they don’t want to wake up afterwards. In fact some would just prefer to snack on some cream and sugar as in lies that make you feel good and just skip the coffee completely.

What is a poor, depraved and hopelessly corrupt politician like myself supposed to do with that kind of help? If I got rid of them and replaced them with smart people who drank the right of coffee they might actually be capable of the type of thought, which would not do what I say. Well at least not without thinking about it and that could be real dangerous for me. That is because the real awake people are prone to start paying attention and that would translate into them noticing things I don’t want noticed. So you can be darn sure I don’t crave that kind of coffee for my help.

In order to make sure I don’t risk that problem, I have worked very hard to find the most lethargic and slothful creatures on the planet to work at city hall. Plus they must be eager to accept degradation as well other types of abuse if they want to work for me.

So that means being sure that in terms of noticing details I only allow them decaffeinated brew. That amounts to serving them a fresh hot pot of lies whenever possible. Enough time and plenty of cream and sugar and they go numb above the shoulders.

That is how I get through each day. Oh I do allow myself a nice generous dose of the real thing for myself. When I am alone and I make sure none of the employees can smell the aroma.

Yep it is being greedy. Absolutely. And I’m proud of it. Such proper use of the right kind of coffee has made sure I stay awake and my employees nod off so they don’t whine too much when abused.

Now I ask you is that thoughtful or not? I do what I can to be sure my employees enjoy their time while at city hall. Sometimes that means allowing them the joy of taking a nap in terms of noticing what I want them not to see. And if I fail, well I just make sure I have extra cream and sugar to avoid any other problems.

ROTTEN TO THE BORE

I wish I never had to claim this was reality with some people, but not everyone can be the life of the party. More seem to be good as the death of the party like that is something you can brag about. Only they don’t naturally. Nobody would take pride in being the glorious prince or princess of yawns I reckon. At least I hope they wouldn’t, but who could say for sure what runs through somebody’s brain?

I doubt I’ll ever live long enough to find myself only surrounded by interesting people. That is one fantasy I definitely never expect to come true! Plus the other problem I would worry about is that in the process all the cool people would decide that I sucked in terms of being interesting. As a politician I doubt I could handle that kind of rejection.

So I reckon part of me honestly isn’t that anxious to find the world purged of such dullards. And perhaps a part of me also imagines it would be wonderful to simply be able to channel them in such a way that it would make the rest of us very extra cool.

Which for me might include finding some great way to take all those dullards and start a rent a bore business. Or even be able to send a utterly boring telegram sung off key. Now I personally think it is a great idea, but that is just me. After all one could hardly blame me for wanting to turn this whole thing into a way to make a buck.

Alas I doubt this is the kind of business that I’ll actually get off the ground. It sort of ranks right up there with the time I thought of starting a 900 number call 1-900- BLAME ME. I figured it would be a great way for people to relief stress if they had some they could call and blame for all their problems. But once again there is a big difference between inspiration and realization. At least I know the difference. Well sometimes that is true. Wish it was always since it would save me a lot of embarrassment on occasion.

So I imagine I’ll have to file away my idea on this boring thing in my file of wishes that will never be fulfilled. Although I can still dream that I will find a way of making the possibility of a personally transplant a reality for some who could use any kind of personality that didn’t make you yawn when you talked to them.

However I’m not going to let it slow me down or corrupt me either. I have been working on a program and work to be sure I isolate the boring people so they don’t somehow infect the rest of us.

The nice thing is that boring people often don’t have much imagination. So you can offer us any old lame function as bad as watching paint dry and they’ll show up thinking it is okay and entertaining. You might think I’m being silly. But then you don’t know the people I have to deal with.

For that you should be grateful! I know I would be if I didn’t have to see some of them every day. See I just gave you a reason to smile, enjoy it!

WHAT EVIDENCE?

Ah this is one of my favorite questions. Not too surprising I suppose is that I normally get asked it a lot. When you are involved as much as I am in doing things of a questionable nature it does generate a lot of questions.

What I’m grateful for is that people are far more prone to be instinctive that logical. By that I mean they often sense something is wrong, but don’t always bother to base their opinion on facts. Oh a lot of times they are right on about what they think, but without proof there is no problem. They just have and inkling and you can’t prosecute on an inkling. A tidbit of survival for those contemplating, well on wishing to push the legal envelope a tad.

The hard part is looking sincere when sitting there and asking, “What evidence?” I helps to be wearing a coat to hide the sweat stains forming from stress or fear. And pretending to have a scratch on your head so you can wipe your brow is a nice diversion too.

Basically those are just helpful reflections for those of my kind of proclivity. I mean I’m far too lazy to want to work for a living. And I’m not talented enough to win fairly. But why should I be denied the rewards of hard work and ability just because of that reason? This is the land of opportunity after all and who needs more opportunity than us lazy, conniving rats. Besides cheating only counts if you have “EVIDENCE!” I rest my case in that regard.

The only problem I have to worry about is when dealing with a person that does have the facts. That can be a real challenge. One way to avoid that is to be sure you know your sucker before you con them. Don’t pick out somebody who pays attention and knows the facts. They can be dangerous

And regardless of the times you’ve hit a home run in that department don’t presume you will do so the nice time. Each turn a bat carries risks.

But if one keeps those little details in perspective one can normally live a reasonable life. Enjoy the thrills of reaping without sowing as well as profiting off of somebody else’s misery.

What I enjoy the most is dealing with people who have what they consider are values or ethics. From my experience they really don’t have either, but love pretending. If pressed they often end up being just as greedy and back stabbing as the rest of us.

And my stalwart question becomes doubly important with them because nobody will complain more about being cheated than a person who is totally greedy and thinks they are not. Yeah they are the worse at whining. With them nothing burns their butt more than having you sit there and ask, “what evidence?”

Yeah those make for great memories. I tell you I savor each of those episodes. It just encourages me to hang in there and hide the sweat stains the next time I have a problem.

A LITTLE GRAB WILL DO YAH

Stress. I hate it, how about you? And I hate even more when some jerk is the cause. There is enough crap in the world without having somebody pick up a shovel and dumping more on your life. But that happens and always will.

Still in the midst of all this crap shoveling my mind does wander to the wonderful dream of imagining making life easier by choking the manure out of some people. Not enough to really get rid of them permanently, just enough to render them unconscious long enough to have them stop being a manure spreader. That would be a real blessing.

And even though there are a lot reasons you can’t do that in real life, the image does give me a certain degree of satisfaction. What? You want me to lie or something? Heck I am a professional when it comes to lying, but I don’t know in this case I guess it is just more fun to say how I really feel.

Okay I suppose there might be more dignified ways of dealing with such stress. But why mess with what works. Oh I can even imagine other ways of grabbing people. Like on the bumper of my car. The image of seeing some clown running in front of my car while I chase him with a sneer just warms my heart. And imaging the person begging for life just makes me step on the accelerator till you see the person fall down in front of your car and then feel the thud as you tires run over them. Ah now that is real joy. The kind you just can’t get in many situations.

So what do you say we join hands and then say a prayer. Not for the person’s soul, but that we might find a way to achieve the little grab thing without leaving behind any witnesses.

Oh I suppose I ought to give thought to coming up with some other option to such images. I appreciate they aren’t based in love. But then I do voice the observation that too many times I’ve seen the advocates of love act in the most heinous and hateful manners imaginable. So I’m not inclined to regard that kind of approach as really very honest either. At least from the way I see it.

So while they go around smiling and plotting behind your back I just sit back and use my mental image form of sanity to keep me from acting on the impulse to actually live out my dream. I knew a person that did that and let me tell you it wasn’t a good thing. Plus it isn’t that easy to explain to a jury.

Perhaps it might even be good if didn’t have to say at times that life goes on. I could live with occasionally saying something like “life just choked the crap out of a moron.” But the dreams never become as fun I guess when you appreciate as reality they wouldn’t solve the bigger problem. That being that we have too many people that needs a little grab in order to improve.

It is to dream and wish. Hopefully one can do it with a smile from imagining the satisfaction if the dream were real. You just don’t have to admit to anyone why you’re smiling.

OH THE JOY

I’ve been reflecting lately on the numerous varieties of joy one experiences in life. We call them all joy as if joy were a universal thing, but admittedly what makes one person happy doesn’t mean it makes everyone happy.

As far as I’m concerned I see nothing wrong with each of us having our own interpretation of joy. However I have to be honest in some cases I think I really would prefer if the person kept such information to him or herself.

I mean if you think for example that say it gives you great joy to spend your free time dressing up in pink gorilla suit and pretend you are George Washington (don’t laugh I knew someone who thought that was cool) then have fun. But don’t bore me with it!

There are two things that really drive me nuts more than others. And even though some might feel different, I still have to share what to me is NOT joy.

The first is proud parents. Okay you manage to crank a kid or two or maybe even six! I’m happy for you. And you have a right to be proud. But I hope you can appreciate that I might not care to be bored with you carrying a photo album in your wallet or purse filled with a bunch of pictures that aren’t really different. I’m sorry, but if you show me one picture of your kid sitting on Santa’s lap I get the idea. I don’t need to see twenty fo them! You might think that is a good thing, but I find it boring. Do me a favor and at least toss in something different. I don’t care what, just something. PLEASE!

Now that I have probably managed to offend a whole lot of parents I’ll get onto my other personal dislike. For me it is vacation photos. Okay maybe if you took one or two of some really cute girls in bathing suits, fine. But do you honestly expect me to be happy with you making me look at that photo of you and your mother at the beach? And I definitely don’t want to see some grandmother who is being way to unrealistic to dress in that throng! It isn’t a picture that I like to remember.

Plus, I got to admit if you want me to enjoy the pictures start by being a decent photographer. I don’t care to look at some blur you claim is a famous location. If I can’t tell what it is by looking at the photo then don’t waste me time!

Well that is my slant on oh the joy. I wish I had a way to make sure I could get somebody to listen where I live. But that isn’t apparently realistic.

So I know the reality is any time some employee goes on vacation or is expecting a baby that eventually I’m going to be blessed with seeing pictures later. I have been working on trying to get part ownership in the local film development place. That way I could succeed in losing those pictures. Unfortunately thanks to digital cameras these days that doesn’t work.

Which leaves me the old standby of faking a headache or claiming to have eye problems when the time comes. I just wish a few of those who bore me with those pictures didn’t have a brain problem in terms of what they feel is joy!