GRAND OPENINGS

This should be a good thing right? And as tradition normally dictates it seems that with a grand opening they people hosting it give away stuff and offer entertainment as part of their way to get you to come and check out their crap. Basically we know the term is most often associated with a business.

Not every business, mind you. For example you probably wouldn’t see that kind of fanfare with something such as a funeral home just starting out. I don’t get the feeling people would warm up to a discount of say a “two for one” deal on cremations. Ah, thank you, but no thank you.

Another type of business that generally doesn’t have grand openings is organized crime. Well if they do, they don’t make a big deal of telling everyone. I can imagine it might be a tad awkward if they did. It would probably be a “bring your own gun” type of affair. Maybe bullets provided for free. Um if you do get invited and somebody mentions about “cement” and “shoes” together, don’t assume it is about selling shoes!

One more place you don’t get grand openings either is with government. Every time we elect a new bunch of cutthroats to office they don’t have a party and invite the rest of us to come join the fun. Oh they do send us the bill. Unless you have figured a way to avoid paying taxes.

Plus I don’t know they do have that bothersome aspect of having to worry about little things like national security. It would be hard to invite the whole country for a grand opening at the capital and then figure out a way to strip search all those who showed up in a timely manner. I don’t know, but being herded into some room for a body cavity search just would spoil the mood for me.

So I think it is a good thing they don’t try to host a grand opening. Although I suppose somebody might come up with a creative way to do it down the road. You never can tell with us politicians what kind of inspiration they will come up later.

Until that day, I shall dream of my own version of a grand opening for the big boys in politics. I would include a dunk tank full of piranha where you could have the loser be the one you got to try and dunk in the tank. It might cut down on people running if they lost and then trying to run again.

Perhaps we could even arrange for a special “flogging” day where the winners got to let people use a whip on the losers. Heck I wouldn’t mind buying tickets for that kind of an event. Could be a really money maker.

As for entertainment what would be a better way to top off the whole grand opening that to have the military do a performance. They could treat the visitors to a spontaneous “strafing and bombing” display. I bet it would really rip your heart out, literally. Ah it is to dream!

Well it all sounds great to me. But then I bet the boys running the show will just give us the same kind of open house they always do. It is the one where it happens every April 15th and amounts to them opening your house and taking what they want.