THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER IN THE CEMETERY

Ah, hah! I bet I got you with that one didn't I? I mean think about it. Where is the grass really the greenest? Well possibly golf courses for one. And maybe in some football stadium. Or if you have a neighbor like mind, well his lawn might as well be a god!

But outside of those, you do have to admit that cemeteries often have incredible green lawns. Which perhaps and not wanting to be gruesome here, but the "natural" fertilizer might be one reason.

Okay, again, not trying to necessarily be gross, but it does make me wonder if for the sake of beautification of "ahem" city parks and perhaps city building lawns if we set aside some of them for "special fertilizer." Now I realize some might consider that as a really pathetic suggestion, but all ask is that you give it some thought here.

I mean let's be realistic, do the dearly departed really have some concern over where they spend their time rotting? Cruel as it might sound, think of how uplifting it might be to give a person a chance to truly feel useful after they are dead? Think of it, you could go over to city hall, see the bright green grass and then shout, "way to go grandma!"

Okay to make it even more personal, we could all little plaques saying things like "this green courtesy of...." I really like this idea the more I think about it.

It just seems like the perfect solution to all that wasted space at cemeteries. We could turn those into more useful things like say condos or parking lots.

So what do you say folks? Let's hear it for the idea of digging up Uncle Joe and letting him help to add a little beauty to the world?

And you know, not to be unkind here, but with some people that might be the closest they'll ever come to adding any beauty to the world. Which I think should be a definitely selling point.

So instead of selling plots for funerals, we could sell "pots" for posthumous contributions towards the aesthetic communal attributes of a city. Ah, I feel that phrase just roll off the tongue.

It makes me quiver all over with excited. Now all I have to do is print up some nice uplifting brochures to pass around the old folks homes and funeral parlors. I bet for a nice piece of the profit the undertakers would be willing to treat it as an viable alternate form of memorial services.

I wonder if you had to honestly wait with some old folks to be sure they were actually dead before letting them participate? Er, I guess that might be a tad too much for some. That is the problem with the world. There are just too many people who lack the imagination to see possibilities where others only see a place to put a RIP sign. But I'll keep working on it.

WAX ON, LIFE OFF

Well, I'm sure the most familiar version of this saying comes from a movie and doesn't end in with life off. I know life isn't a light bulb you can turn on or off.

True, I have met my share of people who could be describe as a dim bulb, but that is a different issue. However, you do sort of wonder if perhaps the person could use some artificial help that would allow them to be more than a dim bulb of whatever.

Meanwhile getting back to the whole wax off deal, my thinking is mainly about the idea of the stuff you use to make the ordinary more glamorous. I'm speaking of the dazzle, the pure pizzazz you can add to something to make it be more than a yawn.

We can talk all day about honesty I suppose. It is a commendable idea. The problem is that there are just plenty of times when reality is other than being about glitz.

Which is when you have to add that extra dash of something to make the ordinary more than ordinary. And although I don't wish to appear redundant I guess I'm traversing the same ground in this posting, because I just see too many instances of people not getting it.

Okay so life sucks at times. That doesn't mean have to shut if off. So add that wax pal. Whatever kind of wax will make you go ahhh!

And do it with a smile. Because the plain truth is that without that wax then you also don't have the polish in other areas of your life.

So go ahead if you want and pretend that not having wax is a good thing. Just keep telling yourself that lie and slowly let your whole mood and attitude become about as energetic as a slug.

That's what happens when you wax off. Sorry, but illusion is a good thing at times. We need those stars burning in our head that say we are special.

And if you happen to be somebody who works at a dull job where there is difficulty finding any kind of wax that will ever make it shine, so what? Yeah, you heard me, so what?

Instead of whining about it pal, shine it up. Find something you can see in it that doesn't suck. I know that seems like all a bunch of baloney. But hey, unless you've made enough sandwiches from it then give it a shot.

Okay, that may be a bit muddle in a way. But the point is even baloney doesn't have to end up crap if you use the right kind o spread to make it appealing. Um, think of it as a form of wax.

And in the end, if you handle it right, then it is life on instead off when you put on the wax instead of wipe it off.

FLAME ON

I find it interesting how often the subject of light in its many forms is related to people in one way or another. And when it comes to some aspect of human experience to be on fire or well lit is a good thing.

Conversely, cold, which isn't the opposite of light, is not a good thing in terms of people. Being cool can be okay, but cold is to be utterly frozen in one's emotions and that isn't regarded as a good thing.

Now we probably wouldn't even need such differences if people were just people in terms of being similar, but we aren't. And so we end up wanted to define when someone is alive from when they are emotion zombies.

As I see it being a person with a flame on is someone full of passion and intensity. Which doesn't describe a lot of people. And I think that is part of the problem.

We may flame on as a good thing. We make a lack of flames as bad. Why we even paint that portrait in our movies. The good guys and the ones you truly want to be like are always the life of the party.

It is sort of like if you are a quiet and reasonable person, you're boring. Now you might not be quite as exciting as some, but that doesn't make you a bad person.

The problem to me is not with the good time party animals. They are going to party no matter what. They seem to enjoy life.

What is said I guess is how the boring and dull people are left to feel like they are social losers for not being exciting. So often as a result they can't accept that status so they end up trying to pretend they are interesting.

Which is fine if they didn't bore with it. I mean do I really need to listen to some accounting trying to be a comedian by telling a joke poorly? And then he gets upset if I don't laugh my head off.

Oh that is just one aspect. I'm telling that at times I feel like I'm a magnet for dullards. Just because I'm a politician and a Mayor doesn't mean I love having to put up with every darn boring person in the world who has no social life.

But I can hardly tell them that. If I did they would get worse. The loneliness would fester itself into a major pity me feast.

Then I would be the designated shoulder to cry on. Which would only inspire them to even more need to come and see me.

So I've learned to laugh at boring jokes. I've learned to look excited when being shown pictures of somebody's collection of things you never collect if you have a social life. In the end, I keep telling myself it is a living. Someday maybe I'll even believe it too.

A TASTE OF HONEY

Oh yeah, this is real important. But that is if you don't limit yourself to the kind of honey that comes from bees. That is a good taste to be sure, yet there is more.

What we are talking about here is something that is pleasing to the pallet. Not just the appetite and mouth, but a whole lot more. Just basically that which makes you smile and feel good. Only the key is without the risk of being stung. That is one thing you want to avoid.

Some people might presume that honey that isn't from bees doesn't carry the risk of being stung. Well, my friend, you can think that if you want, but you know, all honey comes from some hive.

And you can have a hive without a risk of being stung. It is as simple as that. From my point of view a hive is any place that produces honey. No matter what kind you are talking about, you are going to have a place it is made.

That place, wherever it is will have bees pal. Maybe not the kind that look like a regular bee, but they will be the kind that can sting.

Okay, let me get to one of my favorite types of honey. I'm talking about the kind that is green and paper. Yep, money can be a form of honey. Even more so because they do rhyme.

Nor in order for money to be honey it has to sweeten your life. So it can't be from things like work where it just goes to pay the bills. That is bland and not all that sweet.

We're talking about the kind of bucks that you don't have to tell Uncle Sam about or should I say you wouldn't tell him about. The kind that you get to spend on doing things that make you feel happy all over. Now that is real honey in my book.

My book in that sense is a cook book. It contains recipes for ways to rip off others and not get caught. Then you just hide that honey somewhere than you can snack on when nobody is looking.

Well, there are all kinds of other great forms of honey I suppose. Some you can talk about, some you can't. The ones you can talk about involve bees with badges.

Their sting is really painful. It normally is the type that you end up having to life with for several years and only get over from probation.

In any case I'm happy to do plenty of looking for honey that fits my wallet. And it is only sticky when you are sure nobody comes along to try and take it away.

I'm happy with that kind of taste. It gives me a reason to smile at times when I think those hives are out there in so many wonderful places. I just can mention all of them since I don't plan on sharing.

IN THE MAIL

Lost of interesting things can come in the mail at times. It depends on your idea of interesting I suppose.

But regardless, I think the mail is in a way symbolic of life. It represents a sort of way fate works.

Hey, this is my blog and if I want to exercise some option to get silly on a philosophical level, then I will. Besides I figure by doing so it will grant you the joy of knowing I do more than steal and lie.

True, I don't avoid it whenever possible, but I do it from time to time. And in this case I want to treat the mail as a symbol of how you get treated in life.

First of all, good news, bad news or junk mail, you get it from somebody you either don't know initially. Meaning that just like fortune, he or she doesn't have a reason to give a crap what you get or when it happens. Basically, this person just delivers the stuff without worrying if you like it.

Which of course translates into the reality that this person has no interests in seeing that what you get is beneficial. Just that you get it whether you deserve it or not.

Now as for what you get. Well for starters you know you will get bills. See that is the reality, you can get stuff good or bad without knowing there also being a risk of consequences and a price tag. There is no crude you like without some you get you will hate.

Then there is the junk mail. This is the stuff that life throws at you that has no real value as a rule. It tells you about how you can buy more crap you probably don't need and don't want.

I figure junk mail symbolizes the countless moments of life that suck because they are boring. They just fill up way too much of our time.

However, you can get the good or bad stuff without it. So just like life, your stuck. To get what you want, you have to take a whole lot of crap too.

The great upside to all of this is because life, like the mail will have the occasional good surprises. That makes the rest of the crap you get worth tolerating.

As for the jury summons. Well, we do have to accept that big brother is watching. But then it is far better to enjoy the time of being given a jury summons rather than sitting in front of a jury and being on trial.

Just a little food for thought. And remember, in life postage due is when you get news that should be free, but you have to pay for. Hopefully, it will be on something like a free trip rather than a bill.

WHISPER, SNORT AND MON=AN

Ah the gossip grapevine. Isn't it simply wonderful? Yeah, the kind of fruit it produces is simply amazing and creative at times. I truly savor hearing what glorious pearls of thought grow in that vineyard.

The question is whether any gossip is ever more like cherries than lemons? I mean it seems to me the reason it gets whispered, snorted or moaned about instead of shouted is because it stinks. If it were good stuff you could scream it and get applause.

Instead trashing people and things is just more like a hobby. And it can even be a game with some individuals. Trust me there are champions too.

But this is the kind of championship that only counts if you don't get caught. The basic rule is if you are going to slander someone be sure you never do it so that they find out directly. That is especially necessary if they happen to be some huge gorilla of a person with no sense of humor. Unless you enjoy being bent into the shape of a pretzel or having your arms ripped off. Or perhaps even having your tongue cut out. Yeah, I'm talking about those kind of people.

However, none of that keeps people from practicing swinging in glorious joy upon the tangled web of deceptive grapevines. If they break because somebody found out the truth instead of you lie, well just dust yourself off and get up and try again. After all there is no better cure for taking a nose dive that flying with wings of deception again. Trust me it will really make you feel better later.

As for me, well, I do enjoy spreading the manure as much as the next person. Still I think my biggest joy comes from when I can sit down and keep score.

Yes, that is right, I keep score. I've developed this wonderful system for rating gossip. I won't bore you with the details, but I truly love giving points for things like credibility and of course best performance. I'm always such a sap for the person who forms a quiver in their lips an knows how to truly look since. A small tear in the corner of the eye is worth at least an honorable mention if done right.

Of course that is all just the preliminary heats. The finals are almost always where the real pros practice. I'm speaking of salesman, politicians and lawyers. Ah you bet it takes some doing to be those gossip athletes.

Then there is the championship. I wish I could say the gossip athletes always end up taking the crown. But the truth is for the gold in terms of this kind of game I got to admit nobody can outdo some of those televangelists for talent. At least that is how I have ranked it.

Actually, I guess I'm a little jealous. I have to raise taxes to get the same kind of effect they do. And I can't even get the joy of doing it by afterwards saying okay for you love gift of. But then I don't have the benefit of selling them a piece of a golden street in eternity either.

PAGES IN THE MIND

I imagine some poet somewhere probably used that phrase for a poem. Or perhaps it showed up in a song too. You know one of those folk type of songs that is always talking about how the little guy gets the shaft and we all need a hug. Yeah, one of those.

For me this about all the times you get beep by your page. Those are the warning signals that are saying "wake up pal you are about to make a big mistake."

But just as with a regular pager, we can always ignore them. Yep, we shouldn't, but we can and do.

And when we do and afterward we blow it big time, oh brother do the other kinds of pages in our mind get written in big fat lies we tell ourselves to not feel so stupid. I know because I have had lots of practice doing exactly that two many times myself.

I don't think I mind the screw ups that much. It is the consequences I hate. Making a mistake happens to all of us. Which is not really a big deal.

What is a big deal is when you have a price tag on the mistake. You might be able to use that denial eraser to wipe away that blunder from the memory pages, but when you end up having to bend over and get zapped, no that really hurts.

In a way, I think the same applies to breaking the law. It might be a bit of a stretch, but let's be honest, if it were for the fear of being caught, would anyone really worry about obeying the law.

Nope, it isn't a matter of right or wrong, it is a matter of getting zapped when somebody finds out you messed up. That is when it really hurts.

So if we can figure a way to never get caught, then shoot, why would we care if we broke the law? Now come on an admit it, how many people really do manage to violate some law, such as speeding, because they don't worry about getting in trouble?

Which is why I have problems with the whole deal about the morality kick. You got these people running around telling you how to be good. Only their version of good is generally boring to say the least.

Making things worse is the fact that never give you an alternative that is sensible. It is more like either never do anything fun or else?

Is that really fair? Who is going to write the pages of their mind with that kind of dribble? And who is going to do it either?

But I suppose as long as their are people there will be those whose minds are hopelessly anal in terms of value. Hmmm, I wonder if the pages of their minds use toilet paper? Well I don't think I really want to know.

COMING UNFUN

Does anyone enjoy when you are in the middle of having fun and somebody decides to ruin it? Where I live that happens all the time.

It is like all the dull people have extra energy to be sure they show up at every possible social event imaginable. And they do their best, intentional or otherwise to suck all the happy out of the moment.

I don't think it would be so bad if they just showed up and sat in the corner. But instead they insist up hanging out with everyone and trying to bore us to death by talking about work. May I have a unified yawn please.

Naturally the dull people also as a rule don't drink. So you can't even depend upon them to get polluted and just too drunk to say anything else. That I could live with too.

The rest of us could just let them passed out on the floor. We could work around that. You know, you just prop them up in the corner or use them as a doorstop. The point is that they would be useful!

Now since that is fantasy and not reality, I have to toss out the options I've come up with in order to come with those suffering from yawn-itis. That's what I call when the person's best form of conversation ends up putting me to sleep.

One thing I do is ask them about their family. If I'm lucky they will pull out their wallet or purse to show me the pictures. You'd be surprised how many pictures people like that can keep in their wallets.

I mean I can see the spouse and kids. But when they get to pets and plants, I'm hardly going to be thrilled by the photos.

However, the really nice thing is you can get them to whip them out and they get so caught up showing them they don't even notice that you've walked away. This little ploy works best when you can find another dullard and get them to play stand it.

If you work that good enough then by the time they get through with the photos you're so drunk yourself you don't even care. Or maybe you've managed to get lucky with that hot little blonde number and are off in the closet rearranging the hangers in a manner of speaking.

There is always the one odd dullard out there that has no pictures. Even of his vacation to the city park or his computer.

For this person you have to be very careful. Any encouragement and you will have a friend for life whether you want one or not.

With these types you have to give them the whole razzle dazzle. You have to basically bore them. Whatever they want to cry about, you cry louder. It take a little practice, but any of us can be a complete bore when the time requires it.

FUN IN THE SUM

I'm no big fan of math as a rule. I don't hate it either, but sitting around and reciting formulas or remembering calculations is not my idea of how to enjoy an evening.

What I do enjoy is the simple equations of give me all you got and then sum. Yep, when you translate numbers into good old fashion, back stabbing me first and you not at all greed, I'm more than happy to do some counting.

I do appreciate how some people might not look upon that kind of math as noble or admirable. Those are probably the ordinary and decent hard working types. They are ones that are basically honest and seldom if ever try to cheat anyone.

All I can say to them is what kind of sick degenerate mind are you anyway? Such people are a menace to us leeches and con men. They can't be trusted to cheat and lie like any normal slime ball.

Such people are a menace to real society. Yep, they just can't be trusted to get with the program.

See the way I figure it such individuals are the ones responsible for higher taxes for things like military spending and law enforcement. I know that sounds bizarre, but I want you to think about it.

It is because of the peaceful, law abiding and honest folks that things get complicated. See if everyone was guilty then the police could save all kinds of time. Whenever they heard about a crime they could just go and pick somebody out at random and shoot them full of holes.

If everyone was guilty to start with who would care about things like civil rights and speedy trials. It would be shoot first, last and a letter of warning to the survivors warning them to behave or they would be next.

But since there are a few innocent people out there we have to go to all the trouble to make sure they don't get accidentally hurt. Now if they would just get with the program and start being lying crooks like the rest of us, then it would sure makes things easier.

The same would be true for the military. Right now we still operate under the presumption that not even one is plotting to overthrow the government or attack other people.

So just for that rare peaceful county we have to tread softly. Now it they were all sneaky rats it would be so much easier.

Drop a few nukes, have some coffee by the warm glow of vaporized cities and you go the kind of peace that really does last. But again we do live in a crazy world. Just at times it doesn't seem crazy enough to really make like simple.

A PLACE IN THE SUN

Oh yeah, everybody wants a piece of rock for themselves. But the size of the chunk isn't the same. And from my point of view that is a good thing.

Now admittedly if I wasn't someone with a really good hunk for myself I might feel differently, but in my position it works. Maybe I wouldn't mind getting a bigger chunk, but right now I'm just too lazy to go for it.

I think the whole idea of having a place in the sun has certainly varied of the years. We call it part of the American dream. But depending on when you lived and your situation the concept was certainly different for different people.

And despite all our rhetoric about being the land of freedom, I'm not sure it has ever be meant to apply to the issue of equality. I mean we talk about it, but when it comes to the castle bit, well don't worry about it, that is covered under those laws that aren't written down anywhere.

Now let's be realistic, freedoms that are free, meaning they don't cost anybody anything like voting, no big deal. We can pass those out grudgingly and feel pretty darn good about it. But as for real estate, whoa, now don't get too picky!

You say that is silly? Need I remind you as to our fabulous real estate program we made available to the American Indian? I would hardly call our approach on that subject as sterling instance of freedom or fairness.

Plus, let's face it, how many wars around the world have we been involved with and after they were done we ended up 'staying' there for one reason or another? Ah, am I beginning to make sense or what?

Like I said, I'm not complaining, I'm applauding the great approach. We have such a fine record of making sure we always put those land boundaries just where we need them. Ah it is sweet isn't it?

And when that isn't enough what do we have as a choice? It is called imminent domain. Oh yeah, is there any better official form of land grabbing.

The good old boys in power and can waltz in and scarf up some land when needed. They don't have to have a good reason, just because.

I guess the good part is that when we get it all said and done the joy is that we the people can depend upon there being gold in them thar hills. The hills being wherever the government decide. And when they get done, if they don't take it through taxes, they figure another way to get it.

As for the ordinary person, they get to share in the wealth. It is call getting the shaft. And I'm sure eventually they'll figure a way to charge for that too. Ain't it a thrill.

MISTAKEN CRUMB AND PEE

Okay, I admit the title of this posting is weird. But then a lot of things in life are weird. At least to me. So why can't I have the joy of doing the same with a posting?

However, for the sake of those born with no personality or sense of humor let me clarify for what it is worth. We all know what crumbs are. They are the pieces of something baked that are leftover for one reason or another. As for pee, well do I really need to explain that one? It is one you when your kidneys are full and decide to let you know it.

How do they fit together? A bit of a stretch perhaps, but it seems like too many times we end up struggling for crumbs in life and that never makes anyone happy. It does take away to small degrees from our dreams perhaps.

I say that because I imagine most of us have our own ideas of what we deserve out of life. Which probably includes a real big hunk of the dream pie. But then we end up with some crumb and that gets us pissed, which is a different form of peeing I suppose, but I count it for this posting.

Now a mistaken crumb and pee then to me is about when you thought something was going to be a big slice of dream pie and you get all excited, but later find out it is just another crumb. That is a extra dose of being pissed.

What can you do about it? That might be the central question. And the answer is, beats me? That's right, I haven't got a clue.

If I did I wouldn't be small city Mayor writing a stupid blog for free. So I'm not going to offer up some kind of suggestion I can accomplish myself.

What do I bother putting it into a blog for then? Easy, because I can. And that folks is my idea of making sure at least we can smile about the crumbs.

Come on and live a little. Just because you get some crumbs is no reason you have to treat them like crumbs. Figure a few ways to spread some lies and before you know it you won't be so pissed.

I know that might seem like a stupid suggestion. I'm sure you would prefer if I had a formula I could give you in order to get more than crumbs.

If you are looking for miracle cures for poverty you can always sign up for one of those courses offered by some guy you never heard of who will charge you big bucks to tell you how he got rich. But then you'll never probably be able to prove he is rich. Just take his word for it while he takes your money.

However, if that works for you, then go for it. I imagine you'll still end up with crumbs and even more pissed. Personally, I think my way is cheaper and more fun. At least if you are going to be broke you might as well have a chance to feel good about it if you can!

NOT OF THIS WORLD

I know this lingers out there as an element of Sci-fi themes and what not. At least that is what seems to be the most common reference.

However, I have to confess the thought often rumbles through my head with regards to if all the people I meet in my town are truly of this world. Honestly, I've known all kinds of people. Some stranger than others, but most of the time you just accept that dementia has many faces.

There are times, though, when I'm truly left flinching from the contact with a person and left to ponder, could this person really be a mere little human beastie with a strange brain? Now that is when an idea creeps into my thinking.

I sit back and contemplate whether an alien coming to our planet my just take such an approach in order to not seem like an alien. Think about it if you will. There have been dozens of Sci-fi stories about aliens coming to earth that resemble humans, with the exception they seem to always lack emotions or if they have them they are really stiff. So they are different enough to be seen as an alien, but never so different as to scream Nerd Alert.

Okay, so what I'm proposing here is the simple issue of what if aliens figure the best way to not seem weird and broadcast the fact they were aliens is by acting weird and strange? You go to admit it would be different.

I'm not trying to inspire unnecessary paranoia here, just tossing out the idea that perhaps and just perhaps the aliens have figured out the best way not to draw attention to yourself is by drawing attention to yourself. Basically that would mean to use reverse psychology on us.

You have to confess it really does sound very clever. I'm thinking of an alien from a superior race of beings running around as a total nut case. Then he gives us the secrets of the universe and we don't believe them because we think he just another loon.

Of course I could make the giant leap from that platform of thought to the one where perhaps this alien race stopped by our planet many moons ago. They came to get lucky, what else would a superior race do, but score big time.

And as a result they produced these offspring who were cursed with being totally insane. That way when they came back we wouldn't suspect who they really are.

Which naturally results in the fact that when you see somebody who seems like they are from another planet you will never guess just how close to the truth you happen to be. Oh yeah, I love the whole scenario.

I rather doubt too many people will worry about my opinion though. I'm sure they are content to think weird is just weird. And when you see someone like that you might even ask, is that a laser gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

TAKE ME TO YOUR GREETER

Ah now this is when life gets really, really ugly. I'm telling you that there is nothing more dreadful that having someone being the official greeter of a social event that sucks at it. I'm talking about a person that has the personality of a piece of lint and looks like he or she has been eating lemons all day.

Unfortunately, it seems the duty of greeter with some events is based strictly upon being a reward for time served. Translation, they pick somebody because they worked like a slave for the organization so the greeter part is kind of reward. Which is a real yawner in some ways if you slave is a slug.

Which in part is probably they only way it comes down with some people. I mean let's be honest here, when you are talking about volunteer organizations only those who are basically lacking in a social life are going to invest the time to be involved.

They will show up for the meetings and do all the other crap needed for the organization because they have no life. It is said, it is pitiful, but that is the way it is with some people.

Oh they might be decent in many ways, but unfortunately what happens is they just aren't the life of the party. It doesn't mean they have no value, just that they will never be more than a support for an organization, never its leader.

That isn't all a bad thing you understand. And such people do deserve a reward for being faithful. But does it have to be that you designate them as the first person you see when attending some big fund raising event or party for this organization?

The last thing I figure any of us needs is to grudgingly go off to one of these gala yawners and be greeter by a person that makes a mortician seem like a stand up comedian. Which is find if you are wanting to be depressed, but if you want a hint of a good time, forget it.

Now if you start with this dynamic and transplant it to my city where apathy is a requisite for just living then the whole process gets worse. There is nothing that really makes the whole program a nightmare than to have a boring greeter nearly putting you to sleep telling you all about the agenda which will only put you to sleep.

I'm sorry, but there is no way for me to get excited about attending a major social event in my city where the featured entertainment is a spelling bee. Thrilled is not the word I can use to describe that evening.

It is more like being invited to watch the grass grow. You haven't got a chance in the world of making that a fun event. Not so me.

Alas, while I would enjoy a different option. I'm the mayor of my city. That means I have to smile when greeter by Mr. or Mrs Dullard It just doesn't mean I have to do other than pretend I like it!

THE BIG LITTLE

This is the crap that takes way too much time and is never worth it, but you get stuck doing it anyway. I'm talking about the stupid little junk that we prefer to dump on others, but for one reason or another end up having to do ourselves.

As a Mayor I work extra hard to avoid this stuff. I mean I am the boss, the supreme elected potentate of my little political cesspool. I figure some other poor slob ought to get stuck having to wallow in the crap and not me.

After all if they don't want to have to deal with crap then darn it all let them go out and lie, cheat and get elected so they can stick somebody else with the pain in the ass duties. The one thing I don't want is this buck passed to me.

Now if by chance you happen to be talking about handing me some cash in a brown paper bag then I don't mind putting up with a little dose of being a gopher. Just don't get too carried away with it.

After all, if you want to talk being a lackey, I do have a price list I can show you. And it is negotiable.

Of course I do have to adjust the rate depending on how much you really expect me to brown nose. That seems fair too me.

But setting aside all that business discussion, naturally when there is no money involved the last thing I want is to put up with the big little personally. It just doesn't inspire.

None of that keeps the people working for me from doing a little haggling to see if they can get me sucked into taking the crap off their shoulders. And I hate to admit it, but there are times when I just plain get blindsided from some employee with their emotional con job.

What really gets me is when it comes from somebody I assume isn't clever enough to get away with it. Only I never count on the fact that they can practice without me noticing.

Those are the times that try men's souls or maybe just their pocketbooks. All I know is when you do get left holding a bag of crap it is extra hard to get rid of once people know what is smells like.

Oh yeah, that is the other problem with those big littles, they can stink so bad that no matter how well you like your face can keep from letting the poor slob know not to buy into what you are saying. That really is a pisser, big time.

For the moment at least I have managed to find new methods to not let the big little come my way. My current choice has to devote myself to meetings. And I've even found new places to hide till the people go away. All I have to do is be sure that I don't use the same one too often. You can hide in a stall of the bathroom forever!

SOMETHING

Something for me is when you know there is a problem, but not sure what it is. So it is a something. Which can really suck because you can't be sure if you have to worry about a disaster or a yawner of a problem.

What really makes it worse is if the something comes from somebody else. Now if I imagine something myself, I have some clue as to just how extreme I will get in terms of my fears.

But with somebody else I can't always be sure. Oh I do have a certain history with some employees enough to know how their paranoia meter reads.

However, that in no way guarantees it will always be accurate. Which is where it complicated.

That is because of the problem that even the most paranoid person can still be right sometimes. So I can't always assume that the person who panics easy can be ignored.

I wish there was some rule I could follow that made this issue formulaic. But the reality with people is they don't follow such rules.

In a way it can be a fun game. You get to hear about some dreaded something lurking out there somewhere.

All you have to do is try to hope and pray that the something is a pussy cat and not a tiger. And if you are really lucky you can enjoy knowing you linger with the thought that your choices will be cleaning out a litter box or being eaten. There is never an in-between with such things as a big giant unseen something.

Anyway, I've learned to be a gamble in that regard. I just go with the percentages. Basically that reduces down to the simple joy of trying to determine who is a prophet, who is a truth teller and who is a utter moron.

Now if I'm really blessed I get few of the latter than the former. It hasn't been the case in my experience, but I can always hope.

Until my luck improves I will live with the inevitable something that lurks out there ready to pounce with all the glorious thrills that any paranoia can inspire. It will be one of those things that I will try to regard as a form of entertainment.

And in my city where dull is a lifestyle and boring a past time anything that gets your blood to pump in the slightest is considered as a good thing. Well that might not be a joy in some people's minds, but it beats the alternatives I have to face.

That rings far too true when you are saying your alternative is listening to tapes of people having root canal. See, be glad you live where you live.

TAKE IT AGAIN

I'm sure you've heard people under stress make a comment sometimes about how they can't take whatever any longer. My response is, "sure you can."

No, I'm not being unnecessarily cruel. It is true that I've been accused of being that way on occasions. But only by people who really know me.

Why I say that is because there is some odd trick of fate that often makes sure we end up facing some new challenge or crisis that ends up being exactly like one we really hated. I'm not saying that is the way it has to be. All I'm saying is that at times I've seen that happen to me and to way too many others.

Now I realize God could of course have the kind of humor where he wanted to be sure people who aren't doing what he wants end up with added grief, but I'm not sure that is the problem in these situations. This seems more like on of those "oh god, this can't be happening to me," types of events. Those kinds that we sit and vow we will never take anymore of that crap again.

Then something happens and low and behold later we end up at the same time and same station. Only we don't get the benefit of any decent commercials to make up for the stress.

So I have learned in such situations just to keep my mouth shut in terms of vows. Because regardless of who is putting the whammy on me, I figure not saying anything makes sure they don't know how much that situation really pisses me off.

I'm not saying it guarantees that you will be spared from going through the same mess again. I wish that was the case. All I'm saying is that to me it seems to cut down the risks for whatever reason.

And I have noticed when talking to some employee who is in one of these "I can believe this is happening again" routines I will casually ask if they bother to gripe the last time it happen. So far they answer has been yes. Which only adds to my theory that griping or making absolute vows is the best way of going through the same rear ending another time.

Of course I definitely don't tell them that when they are pissed off at the world. That kind of option normally ends up getting you whacked or beat up in some way. The one thing that doesn't work for pissed off people is to talk to someone who says "I told you so."

In such situations "thank you" is not the more probably response. I normally wait till later. Much, much later before bringing up that issue. And the nice thing when the person is sane again they often listen. Right up to the point they go through the same crisis one more time. In which case, I told you so definitely won't work.

But we do what we can to spread a little cheer. Hopefully the person I'm talking to will feel the cheer beside what I do for listening to their stupidity.

NOT IN THIS GRIPE TIME

I don't know, but for me there is a time and a place for griping. Personally, I'm not one who is totally against listening to complaints. True, it isn't my favorite thing to do, but it doesn't mean I won't make time when the situation merits it to hear someone's complaint.

I just think there are appropriate times for it and other times you should keep your mouth shut that's all. Of course the problem is that with some people, particularly those who are prone to complain they really don't seem to have the ability to gauge when complaining is a good idea and when it is tacky.

So I thought for the benefit of those in need of knowing this information I would pass ona few pointers. You know in case it would help you avoid making an idiot out of yourself.

For starters it is probably not a good idea to decide to gripe to a policeman giving you a ticket about how you think all cops are jerks. Likewise it might not be the perfect timing to say tell a fireman who is sparing your house from burning down how you think the fire department is incompetent and over paid. Those are not the best times for such comments.

Other such less than prudent choices might be when you are on the phone to the cable people or say some utility company because you are having a problem with our service and decide to all the person a butthead. That will probably not get you any appreciation in the process.

There just is something in general that doesn't end in people wanting to maintain the spirit of cooperation when you are verbally abusing them. Isn't that so silly and immature of them?

Okay so when is griping a good thing in terms of timing? Well perhaps right after somebody blew it big time and is feeling really depressed. So they are looking for somebody to confirm they suck at whatever. They will no doubt listen as long as their lips aren't moving with the 'yeah but' excuses. If they get caught up in those you can forget them looking at it reasonably.

People not to gripe to would most likely then include a list of those carrying guns or who are experts at martial arts and most of all if they have no sense of humor. Or if they aren't any of those, but have lots of employees with no necks and think ripping off a person's limbs is a good hobby. They too might not be the type you want to gripe to regardless of the situation.

Sometimes the best way to gripe is with a letter you can send that is signed by someone else. Then say if you send it to the phone company it will be the neighbor whose name you signed that loses his phone service and not you.

What is really fun is when they throw a fit over having their service disconnected for no good reason. That griping hardly improves things except your smile at seeing them getting the shaft.

PAGE AFTER PAGE

This could apply to a lot of things I suppose. It could be a diary, THEE GOOD BOOK, or a novel. That even perhaps (yawn) could include a rulebook, which is not the same as the good book despite what some anal-retentive bureaucrats might claim.

I think to me the point is that any of these issues does have pages. And you have read each of them in order to appreciate the whole. Seems logical, but I get the impression it doesn't work that way.

After all when you talk about reading a novel it always reduces down to talking about some specific page or pages, which have you most memorable part. And what makes it memorable is going to be up to you.

That is sort of my intended point to a degree. Namely that page after page a book will exist, but there is always a given part that will speak to us, providing it is remembered at all. And some will definitely not be memorable.

What I hate are the people who camp out on say a specific rule in a book of rules and decide that rule is the one that is the most important. You talk to them long enough and you discover that they probably don't even remember any of the other ones. In fact they may not have bothered to read them either. They just want you to believe they did so you will give attention to the one rule they decided to live by.

All of that is boring from my point of view. Personally, I'm not a big fan of rules anyway. They just make life so darn difficult.

Even though I am a Mayor and thus am responsible for preserving the law to some degree, it doesn't mean I'm thrilled by the rules in general. And you can be darn sure I don't know most of them. Reading page after page of codes and laws is something I would prefer to do instead of taking a sleeping pill.

But none of that keeps people from continuing to add even more pages of rules to the ones we already have. Like having more things we can't remember is a good thing.

It appears to be so for some people. I guess I ought to applaud their industry and I might if I didn't see it as a waste of time.

All I know is when they write the pages of my life, I would prefer them not to include too many rules and also not be a whole lot of dittos meaning this page or day was the same yawner as the last one. But then some of the pages will have to be edited of course. I mean I think that will be the only option to including the parts that would make it other than PG.

But then that will come during the re-write phase. Which is when I get a chance to tell it as I wish it had been. That will be entitled doing it my way. I'll just leave out the part where it is a work of fiction.

TURN THE OTHER...

Okay the quick and pat answer to this phrase I'm sure is to complete it with cheek. I'm sure that the most well known application of this phrase. It is a nice sentiment I suppose. Telling somebody if you get hit, to give them a second shot at you.

The problem is that I think the general idea is that the person will somehow be shamed by your behavior and avoid acting on the offer. Well it sounds good.

And I suppose there are places that such a response would work. However, that wouldn't work in my neighborhood. Shoot it wouldn't work for the most part in my part of the world either.

I just know too many people who if you gave them a chance to hit your other cheek would do so and think it was a good thing. Heck, they would probably hit you even if you didn't ask or give them a chance.

In fact they would most likely hit you when you weren't looking. Yeah, they are those kind of people.

That is why I'm viewing this from a different point of view. It is for me turn the other guy over for a rear ending. Yep, if somebody is going to get his cheek hit, let it be the other guy.

That's the Limburger philosophy you understand. It all falls under the umbrella of practical guides to surviving while making the other jerk get in big trouble.

Now if I work this right I might even make sure some clown who really needs a whack ends up being the fall guy in the process. I mean in a technical way I'm sort of turning the other.

Okay, it isn't mind you understand. But I did get the turning part taken care of. Which counts with me.

But then pretty much everything counts with me in that regard. I do keep score for myself and right now on the issue of cheek turning or any other kind of turning of whatever I'm winning.

Of course I haven't yet gone for the championship. Not sure when I'll be able to consider that. The competition is very tough what with all the corporate executive and politicians playing by their own rules.

So for now, I'm just happy to get my shot at being up at the plate and letting someone else get the blame for the strike. Now that is my kind of game.

As for anyone else, what can I say? You just play by whatever rules you want as long as it doesn't involve my cheek!

BEERS AND SNEERS

I think with enough beer you can feel good about sneering at most things you would otherwise prefer to just brown nose about. You know the alcohol just numbs the brain till you don't care about the same things you might otherwise, which can be a good thing.

I only wish that this could provide some permanent solution to life's problems, but it doesn't. The real sneers you can never drown with any amount of beers. Or so it seems from my way of looking at it.

However, I do savor those precious times when I can slip off the mask and just be myself. Then I can sneer at what I really hate and not what I lie and say is okay.

Of course I must always be careful to avoid doing this when there are too many witnesses. No matter how many drunken vows of brotherhood and promises not to tell, when the alcohol wears off so does the vow and the next thing you know what you said ends up in the paper, thank you very much!

So I have to be sure I plan out my sneers to take place only when the beer is flowing somewhere safe. Yeah, it is hardly impressive I know, but as far as I'm concerned I just don't care when I'm sitting there polluted and need a chance to say how much life sucks.

The good news is that once I've babbled enough the world doesn't seem quite so bad. I actually can go back to my little cesspool of a political kingdom and be proud to nonce again hold court over my insanity.

That lasts till the pressure to scream gets to me too much. Then I have to smile in the form of gritting my teeth and wait for the next glorious moment to vent my inebriated ramblings.

But then the way I figure this is so much sane that to sit and stew over what I hate till I do something really lame. Some people do that and it always ends in a disaster from my point of view.

So you can chase whatever as your solution. I'll be content to hide in some dimly lit bar and pray I don't get seen by the wrong people.

And if by chance you happen to come into the bar while I'm there, well just don't get upset if I pretend it isn't me. Of course I realize that might take a few beers before you agree. But then I can be cool with that as long as when you are done you don't plan on hiding some sneer that you didn't have when drinking my beers.

So we shall gather at the river, of booze that is in a sort of almost spiritual event. Well, we will probably see something supernatural even if it is beer induced. At least we can sneer from joy rather than hate and that makes it all worthwhile in its own demented way in my book. That is the one I keep in my desk drawer the I never admit to having, especially to the IRS.

CURES

Are cures always a good thing? I'm not sure. I have heard of the times when a cure is worse than a sickness. It might not seem to be likely, but I have a feeling it does happen.

Take for example I saw this box in this gag store that said in side was a guaranteed weight loss program with no pills, diet or exercise. When I opened it, inside I saw a set of silverware such as a spoon that had a big whole in so you couldn't actually use it to eat anything.

Now the package didn't like. You would definitely loose weight if you tried to eat with that silverware. But who would honestly try?

I like to think that in terms of cures we would actually want ones that worked and were realistic regardless of what the sickness. That seems practical and I assume most people would think it was a reasonable approach.

So how come that isn't the way cures are handles by government? Oh perhaps there are exceptions, as a politician I do have to make a token effort to endorse the system, but still stupidity does happen in life.

I suppose when it comes to the government there is the blend between serving the public's welfare and also guarding against abuse so over kill doesn't result in disaster. So whereas you don't have a system that you can simply make decisions without accountability. And you can't have accountability without lots and lots of layers of people deciding it is a good idea and has controls.

It all reduces down to red tape. Tons of it. Which somehow takes the passion and idealism out of the cure.

Okay, so I'm probably saying something that isn't new. And nobody seemed particularly concerned that at times it gets utterly laughable.

It really is a two-edge sword. On the one hand you got to have the system, but it can be a behemoth that rages without reason at times.

Somewhere in between the two edges hopefully stands the politician who wants to peddle some hope and faith in the midst of the nightmares. And if all goes well, then in the end we get a cure that might or might not work, but at least enough lies to feel good about it.

Hey, would that be better if I simply told the lies without mentioning the truth too? Where would the fun be in that?

There would be none for me without that twist. To borrow from a movie, "this is the business we've chosen." All I do is accept with a bit of a smile that I can't tame the monster, just try to be sure the cure doesn't make too many people sick if I can lie well enough.

PREVENTIVE MEDICINE

I want to start this posting by concentrating first of all on the subject of medicine. This is the medicinal element used to aid in healing or curing a sickness. Preventive therefore would be something you take prior to getting sick to help ensure you don't get sick.

At least that seems to be the thinking as far as I'm concerned. Not that I'm an expert on medicine, just more making an observation as it applies to my observations.

The interesting thing to me about preventive medicine is, no matter how well it works, that doesn't mean people are going to use it. Let's take the issue of things like diet and exercise. Those could be consider a form of preventive medicine. But I haven't noticed that this translates into everyone in the whole world joining a gym.

To the contrary, the last time I checked junk food manufacturers were hardly ready to file bankruptcy and there are still plenty of people running around shaped more like eggs than hour glasses. What is my point to all of this? Basically, I suppose it is the reality that in order for something to be a realistic form of preventive medicine it has to be something we will actually use.

And what is the driving force in determining if we will actually use a given form of prevention? I think to me it is whether or not we feel we are genuinely at risk if we don't use the option. Without that key ingredient if the prevention requires pain or sacrifice then forget it.

Am I being too cruel in that regard? I don't think so. I feel I'm just accepting that we are all prone to a given vantage point in terms of philosophy.

As a politician I'm totally aware of this fact. Which is why I never offer up any forms of preventive social medicine that sound the least bit painful.

Thus I'm not going to promise that my city is going to implement some new system for helping people that will cost a bundle in new taxes to achieve. I might as well point a gun to my head and say pull the trigger.

Instead, I try to keep things general and relatively vague. Oh I can embellish on the hope element. That is easy to accomplish. As long as I don't put in terms of this will cost you this amount extra in tax dollars will not make it popular.

Of course in the most ideal of situations what I strive for in terms of preventive medicine is that kind that prevents my bankbook from having a serious bout of red ink. So that means a preventive medicine that others think will is good for them, but in the end doesn't require me to actually change anything.

Meanwhile I get to add some new taxes in a way that I can dump them into my own bank balance. That is the kind of medicine that really goes down sweet when I get to swallow it. Not sure I care how it tastes to others.

PAY ME NOW, PAY ME LATER, HECK JUST KEEP PAYING ME

Now that for me is the abiding foundation of most relationships. I know there is that trite aspect where people would imply that love is the real glue. Well, that might work in the movies, but in real life as far as I'm concerned we are all driven by a basic desire to satisfy our needs.

So in this posting I'm not talking just about paying in terms of money. I'm thinking of compensation on a much larger scale. Basically, in terms of anything you want from somebody and will make the relationship conditional on getting it before you do anything in return.

On a larger scale naturally there is the issue of how you can divide people up. There are the predators and victims. That's it in my book. Which translates simply into those who go on the prowl to suck others dry and those ready to bend over and be the victim.

That might seem a bit of a stretch I suppose, but not to me. I think it is very natural and applicable to life.

Which is naturally based upon the Limburger philosophy of life. This basically states that you should do unto others whether or not they deserve it or do anything to you first or later.

I know that hardly seems like a charitable approach. And that is my whole point, I see charity as an illusion.

I mean that in the sense that as a rule it only takes place when the person has something to gain. Maybe a tax write off, maybe some press, but outside of the occasional person with a truly demented view of life the average person will always have an ulterior motive for their actions.

Oh I can hear the protests now. Most of them will come from the types that want you to know how they aren't like that. Of course they probably wouldn't get so defensive if they didn't know deep down it really was their nature.

What I'm doing is being honest. If I meet you and decide to spend time with you it will be because I want something. Pure and simple.

As a politician the first thing I want is a person's vote. Then once I'm elected I want their taxes raised so I can have more to suck from the city's coffers.

Oh I will admit that I do make allowances for later. As in when I have gotten my needs taken care of, then you can have all you want.

The only problem is that I never seem to get to the point where I've decided I have all I want. I'm working on it of course. My current plan I figure will be complete about the time I retire. So I figure the rest won't mine waiting that long. Well, I'm not going to ask you understand. But it sounds good.

NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE THAT I'LL ADMIT TO

There is a difference between performing a magic trick and admitting to how you did it. One is a wonderful illusion. That's what makes it magic too me. Which is the fun part from my point of view.

What is boring is to have someone destroy the illusion. It is sort of like taking the mask off the Lone Ranger. There are just some times that are better left in the fantasy department.

We all know that a magician can't do real magic. At least I haven't known any that clamed they had any special powers. But I do enjoy it when I can watch them perform a trick and then wonder "how did they do that?"

The truth is that I don't honestly want to know. I would rather cling to my delusion that perhaps they might have some powers and just prefer not to admit it.

As usual I'm going to apply this to my favorite subject, which is naturally ME. Yep, would you expect otherwise? If so I rub my magically Twinkie before I eat it and hope to wish you would disappear. Well I can wish at least.

The thing is when it comes to this subject, for me as a politician I consider I need a certain amount of magic to make the whole act of being a Mayor work. See, I know the reality, there is no way no matter how hard I try that I will ever be capable to turn little old Mediocrity into more than a cesspool of lethargy.

I'm not sure even if I had a magic wand I would try, but that is a different issue. The point is in reality that our basic government system sucks and it will never be other than inept. I'm speaking for my city, but I have a feeling the rest of democracy has trouble working also.

In any case, I see my job as one of being sort of a magician for the mind. It is my job to dazzle my audience of voters with illusions of hope.

And as long as I don't pull up my sleeves to show the cards I'm hiding, then hey, everything is okay. Frankly, people aren't that curious. Well most at least. There are a few strange people out there that think they want the truth, but to borrow from that famous movie, "they can't handle the truth."

So rather than till people life sucks and never will get better, I just prefer the sweet and glorious bewitching type of tale that tells people what they want to hear. Which in the end keeps me in office.

I reward myself for such labors naturally by sucking every penny I can out of the city coffers. That is my reward. But like the lies, I just can't admit to others about what from the coffers I have shoved up my sleeve. Which is probably why I never go to work without wearing a jacket. It is more of sub-conscious thing perhaps. But I just worry less when I do wear one.

IT IS ALL IN THE WRIST

Yep, you can definitely say that at times it really is all in a flick of the wrist. That signing of a pen, which gives you access to a monetary heaven. It to me is all in the wrist. And of course reaching out to grab something that doesn't belong to you also starts with the wrist.

Now technically some might argue that the fingers and hands are the culprit. But you couldn't accomplish anything without your wrists. They are linked to the arms, shoulders, etc. Plus you hands wouldn't work write if you wrists were messed up. Plain fact.

What if anything makes this important? Well to me I guess it is the matter of weaving together that concept of choice with the mystery of magicians. After all, they never talk about having something up your fingernails. It is up your sleeve where you wrists are located.

Okay, so perhaps I am rambling a bit. I can't help it. I just think we need a proper focus on the issue of choice in terms of deception.

Why you might ask? Well why not? Let's face it deception is always a choice. You don't accidentally lie for example. It is always to save your butt.

So how does that relate to wrists? Um, because it does, that's why! Now I know that might seem silly. But perhaps that is the whole point of what I'm getting to with this. Deception is a choice, but somewhere along the line it involves more than just a choice. It involves your wrists. With them being say a metaphor for consequences.

Yep, that is what I'm suggesting. The wrist is an extension of what happens when you make choices without being aware of how they affect some other part of you life.

My goodness was that vague enough or what? I sure hope so because vague is to me the centerpiece of deception. Lime lights never work for deception any more than using your wrists to hide things work unless you are wearing a coat to cover them with sleeves.

What can I say, I'm bored and needed a topic and rambling seemed as good a way to get through the moment as any. Which if I've succeeded makes everything right with the world.

As far as I know it hasn't happen yet. We can hope though. We can also hope for world peace, cures for all diseases and end to war and a solution to not dying. We can hope, but I doubt those will happen either.

They will end up just a flick of the verbal wrist of some politician and will be so happy just to embrace the illusion. Looking up the sleeves or at the wrists just never works. Unless you are extremely curious in a demented way in which case you can look if you want because the rest of us are that inclined to be so thrilled with the end of our illusions.

SHOWING, KNOWING AND GLOWING

Okay, so the basic rule in this arena, which is my stage, is that first comes the knowing. Not in terms of how much you know, but how much you have made others know about whatever you want to be sure they understand. Which is your version of the truth naturally and that is a mighty important ingredient.

Now basically, and this is critical, if you don't get the knowing part right then your showing part will be off and there won't be any decent glowing. So you simply got to have the right foundation of crap and make sure it doesn't stink before you shove it up somebody's nose. Clear enough? Good.

So here we are then. Rule number one, always get your crap properly uncrapified before you feed it to your victims, er clients, customers, voters etc. If you don't get that part right then forget the rest till you do.

And that folks is show biz. Well, my version of course. That is the one without any chances for Oscars, no bimbos to lie to in order to get lucky and most of all, no limos to ride in to create the impression that you debt laden butt is really rich.

Why do I even mention this at all? I suppose as a source of inspiration for others. I just know that somewhere out there somebody is toying with the idea of going into politics. And I just want to pass on a few ideas that might help.

True, my main concern is helping me you understand? I mean after all, if I don't make sure that you are properly prepared to engage in a life of pure depravity as a politician then I have failed to give you all the facts.

Not that I mind avoiding giving someone all the facts. But I figure as long as I create the illusion of trust enough that you try my advice then I can feel more secure about my situation.

There is that old saying about how one hand washes another. In my case I think the saying is better than one hand picks the pocket of another.

When you can do that so you take out all the money before the other person knows it is gone, you really have success. Plus if you happen to say have the person treating to lunch at the time, you get the added joy of seeing them get red face from finding out they have no money in their wallets.

Anyway, that's my particular approach on this. You start with getting the knowing down part. Come on you can do it. Make sure the lie is as solid as concrete.

But in reality you know it is covering a bog of quicksand. So the poor sap who stands on it will end up really finding out he was lied to way too late. If you got him to pay you up front for the privilege, even better. Then you can wave the dough at him while he slowly sinks through the concrete and is swallowed by the quicksand. Ah it is such a sweet form of showing and glowing.

HOW COME?

To me this is not a rhetorical question. It is a pondering romance in quest of a solution and satisfaction. What that rambling means is that there are times when we can ignore life and others when it reaches out and kicks us in the ass.

Why a given issue or problem gets our attention is hard to say. Certainly if it is personally impacting we are more prone to think about the subject, but not always.

I have worked very hard in my life finding new and creative ways of avoiding any pain. That includes problems.

Whenever possible I dump them on others so I can enjoy having fun. And I don't even feel any shame over mentioning it.

Then there are those moments when I'm stuck. Some problem busts down my office door and gets in my face. Well, okay that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I think you get the idea. I just don't like bad news.

And in the pursuit of less than courageous labors when I do reach that atrocious climate where a problem just won't go away, I sigh and then figure the best way to run away. Hey, I'm not going to pretend that I don't have knees like jello and no spine, but even us jelly fish types do have the brains to do more than stay around and get victimized.

Still despite all the effort and desire to savior some taste of heaven rather than an appetizer from hell, there are just times you can't keep the taste from lingering in your mouth. That is when it calls for those moments of pure resolve.

But since I too gutless to take that approach, I normally just send a memo where I forge somebody else's name to take the heat. Then I can skip off to more sane choices than getting depressed over the crap and the how comes I can't control.

That is my approach naturally, but it isn't one that I recommend to my employees. So when they come to me with their how come questions, I'm stuck. I have to listen and then do what I can to avoid letting my head dwell on that reality.

The way I figure depressing is bad. So why mess with anything depressing if I can find a way to let somebody else do the worry.

All of this comes down to a simple reality. There should never have to be any how comes in life.

Well at least none that I have to think about if I can avoid it. Which is in itself a whole different type of how come. That kind is answered by a because, which means because I don't want to worry and enjoying not worrying might mean you get stuck thinking about it. That's the type of how come I can live with. As for others, well, we can talk about it at lunch. Which means I'll go to lunch and you can talk to yourself about it.

STARTING FROM BEHIND

I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with the phrase the hurrier you go the behind you get. It might not sound logical to put it that way, but it is how it needs to be said.

There are numerous situations when I get involved from the beginning with a problem. So figuring out solutions is something I feel I have a certain control over.

And since I have learned that I am a dismal failure at being a prophet and thus wrong more often than right, for me control is about finding some scapegoat to take the fall for my blunder. Hey, I will risk being involved, but I'm not about to face any consequences. Okay, that is the coward's way out. So sue me! Er, you could try at least.

Now with something where I get involved after the fact I truly am in my glory. I can blame any mess on the people who came before me. Isn't that such a blessing?

It is too me of course. And another benefit to getting involved with some project that is already messed up is that I don't have to worry about deadlines. I got the perfect excuse, the other clown messed things up and I'm the handyman so get off my back about doing anything by any deadline.

Believe it or not, and I'm sure you will, I even have a special plan for those occasions when I start a project and it gets totally screwed up. When somebody else comes in to take over I have my set of excuses to blow smoke in the face of the person till I can come up with a way to be sure nobody thinks it was really my fault.

My favorite excuse is that I was swamped do to an over demanding schedule. Oh yeah that works great. Things didn't work out because I was slaving away at the issue both day and night till I became exhausted.

Those comments will all be baloney naturally. I have no intentions of working at anything that hard regardless of the potential for glory. I just have way too many constructive ways to get some attention without squandering my energy actually doing something good.

In the meantime I do have to struggle to be sure I come up with the appropriate speech to inspire others to do what I am too lazy to do. It is a wonderful world when you can find enough suckers to buy our pile of bull.

At least in Mediocrity that hasn't proved to be too big of a problem. I am always able to scrounge up a few suckers. It is just a matter of how convincingly I can lie about it and who is brain damaged enough to be suckered by my comments.

In the end, I just always make sure I pass the plate. That is the one with the stale cookies that will no doubt give people heartburn. And when they are done, I take up a collection for my fee of course. So when they are sick, I can buy them a nice sympathy card while on my way to the bank.

ABOVE IT ALL

Ah, yes this is that wonderful statement of summation. It is said after the fact when a person is more reflective about the consequences of a given event.

That is a beautiful time when if one is truly fortunate and creative you can rewrite reality to be whatever sounds great. So you get to look passed the usual and the predictable to what you want things to be.

I tell you there are so many glorious occasions when I am able to sit back, clear my throat and then proclaim, above it all as a prelude to whatever. It just sounds so fantastic to say.

And so often people are conditioned by those words will react with a nod. Like, yeah man, preach it brother because I want to hear how we really didn't get screwed big time on this one.

It is so creative and marvelous when we can embrace this option. I mean I truly celebrate the times I can invent the truth and somebody actually decides to agree with my point of view.

Naturally this is all crap of a different type when you think about it. But the nice thing is that it works.

Which is the real joy of the moment from my point of view. I love it when we can avoid admitting we are jerks, cowards or inept.

So I consider this to be option number two in terms of escape accountability. That is the most glorious option from my perspective.

Now there are a few skeptical and logical minds out there that will say, this is all baloney. They would say that if the above it all is nothing, but crap this it is useless.

I tell you that such people are dangerous. They are so silly and unrealistic. And I think such people should be restrained for their own good.

Can you really imagine what life would be like if we actually did things for the right reasons? It is such a scary idea that I can't even bear the idea of seriously contemplating it.

I am grateful that such people are not in the majority. And as long as I can depend on the majority to be dull and apathetic then the verbal chemistry of this process will never be wasted.

That way I can continue to simply insert the above it all into any speech or excuse and it will work. Ah there is no better magic that the one coming through the miracle of fabrications and illusions. And as long as I have that type of trick to pull, I know the world will always be a fun place to live.

WIN RESISTANCE

That's my catching little phrase to explain people with an perennial attitude of defeatism. You know the type. We're talking about the ones that always say I can't to any type of risk or change of the status quo.

I call the win resistance since it almost always results in the person having no capacity to think in terms of visions. These are not the people you consult when looking for a prophet or somebody to make you feel better.

I know it takes all kinds to make the world go round, but honestly the ones who are more inclined to groan and whine are not the ones I want to hear about all the time. And I think we all appreciate how the down people of life will not make you feel better if you are depressed.

Okay that is all what you can all the mental formula for being generally pissed about everything and never able to look beyond that dark closet where they love to languish. It is all pretty obvious and apparent.

What I would really like to comment on is a different kind of win resistance. That is the person with brain in the clouds, but head up their ass. Basically people who think they have a winning attitude, but with no clue about reality.

For these types the problem is they have all kinds of confidence, just no capacity to care about the facts. They just waltz down the road thinking everything will be okay.

And if along the way the fall in some ditch or worse they will still think in terms or how everything will be wonderful in due time. Oh the time part might last the rest of their lives, but that doesn't seem to matter to them.

As far as I'm concern the consummate aspect to having a really winning attitude is you have to know how to actually WIN. By that I mean you have to have some realistic strategy to go along with all the baloney you are trying to feed yourself and others.

Essentially if you have no plan or idea how you are going to beat your opponent then you will probably just end up a big blow hard who is all air and no substance. As a politician I do exercise that approach in terms of what is expected from me as Mayor.

However, for things like winning an election you can be sure I do more than invent a bunch of stupid lies. I figure how the strategy for destroying my opponents and at the same time make sure the voters think I'm the perfect solution to their problems.

And if one doesn't know or appreciate the differences between those two then you really are a sorry ass slug. Which is okay in terms of your life. Just don't bug me with any of your projections for the future. You can keep those to yourself and I hope you will. Otherwise I will show you the door to where I send all people with win resistance. It leads to an alley where my assistant sit in a car with the engine running and just waiting to practice his hit and run techniques.