WHISPER, SNORT AND MON=AN

Ah the gossip grapevine. Isn't it simply wonderful? Yeah, the kind of fruit it produces is simply amazing and creative at times. I truly savor hearing what glorious pearls of thought grow in that vineyard.

The question is whether any gossip is ever more like cherries than lemons? I mean it seems to me the reason it gets whispered, snorted or moaned about instead of shouted is because it stinks. If it were good stuff you could scream it and get applause.

Instead trashing people and things is just more like a hobby. And it can even be a game with some individuals. Trust me there are champions too.

But this is the kind of championship that only counts if you don't get caught. The basic rule is if you are going to slander someone be sure you never do it so that they find out directly. That is especially necessary if they happen to be some huge gorilla of a person with no sense of humor. Unless you enjoy being bent into the shape of a pretzel or having your arms ripped off. Or perhaps even having your tongue cut out. Yeah, I'm talking about those kind of people.

However, none of that keeps people from practicing swinging in glorious joy upon the tangled web of deceptive grapevines. If they break because somebody found out the truth instead of you lie, well just dust yourself off and get up and try again. After all there is no better cure for taking a nose dive that flying with wings of deception again. Trust me it will really make you feel better later.

As for me, well, I do enjoy spreading the manure as much as the next person. Still I think my biggest joy comes from when I can sit down and keep score.

Yes, that is right, I keep score. I've developed this wonderful system for rating gossip. I won't bore you with the details, but I truly love giving points for things like credibility and of course best performance. I'm always such a sap for the person who forms a quiver in their lips an knows how to truly look since. A small tear in the corner of the eye is worth at least an honorable mention if done right.

Of course that is all just the preliminary heats. The finals are almost always where the real pros practice. I'm speaking of salesman, politicians and lawyers. Ah you bet it takes some doing to be those gossip athletes.

Then there is the championship. I wish I could say the gossip athletes always end up taking the crown. But the truth is for the gold in terms of this kind of game I got to admit nobody can outdo some of those televangelists for talent. At least that is how I have ranked it.

Actually, I guess I'm a little jealous. I have to raise taxes to get the same kind of effect they do. And I can't even get the joy of doing it by afterwards saying okay for you love gift of. But then I don't have the benefit of selling them a piece of a golden street in eternity either.