COME AND GET IT

Now there is the good kind of come and get it and the bad kind. The good kind leaves you smiling and feeling warm all over. The bad kind can leave you with some broken bones or damaged organs.

I see the come and get it issue as one of compensation. And the trick is to be sure you get the good kind of reward. Now contrary to popular opinion of course reward isn't bad upon whether you did a good deed or bad deed.

Personally I think that is social propaganda design to get you to believe bad gets punished and good gets reward. I think most people figure out relatively fast that is a joke. Probably while in grade school when you see some conniving and backstabbing suck up get the A's from being teacher's pet.

Well, that's my slant on the issue of cause and effect in terms of behavior. Which is why when I talk about come and get it I'm speaking of making sure the come and get it part is not revenge, but the consequence of investment.

For me investment is the transitory issue of seeing the best way to utilize one's talents and resources to maximize the results. That isn't about good or bad for me it is about being careful.

So if I'm going to rip someone off I want to make sure the come and get it I end up with is a pay off for my lies, not being pulverized by someone pissed because I stole from them. It is just a matter of being practical.

But that is the Limburger survival system for getting through a day and not feeling a need to give a crap about your fellow man. Yep, you read that right.

Come on folks, let's be honest here, don't you get tired of dealing with the saintly people who are really demons in disguise. They will claim to have prayed about it before they steal you blind. And if the come and get it you go after is to try and get revenge they go nuts with wanting you to feel guilty for wanting to get even.

Now wouldn't you rather be victimized by a guy like me who is going to abuse you're rights and you know up front I'm going to lie about it. I promise I won't even claim I prayed about it first.

Oh I might prey in the other way, like stalking and devouring, but I'm sure that wouldn't surprise you. So cheer up little buttercup, life goes on and you can be sure that in the process I'm going to do my share to spread the joys on a practical level of the come and get it that counts.

So just go out and prosper and be happy. That way when you are fat and happy I'll know who to suck dry first. Yep, come and get it has another meaning and that one is even juicier if you work it right!

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT

Ah there is nothing sweeter than when things go the way you expect them to go. And if it happens where some creep gets what he or she deserves, even better.

With this phrase though, that's more like it, there is that hint that this is a repeat or second crack at making something worse. Sometimes maybe even a whole lot more than a second try in some cases. Which is part of what makes being able to say it so extra satisfying.

Yeah, the "that's more like it" moments are truly memorable. I love them. I cherished them. I LIVE for them.

The only thing I don't get is to EXPERIENCE them that often. I suppose I could lie about it. You know, pretend that I'm such a great champion in all facets of life that this happens to me all the time, but plain fact is that it doesn't.

That is probably why I hate the fact that it happens, but not enough. I mean how come an evil, conniving dude like myself can't get a break more often? I didn't say I deserved them, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy wishing it were otherwise.

Still, in my wasteland of bland, my desert of blah, my, my, oh to heck with it, a place as a city that is this side of fun, I have to be a realists. Man, you just can't get a break and expect the unexpected that often when nothing good happens as a rule anyway.

I mean a big part of this "that's more like it" thing is change. It is really essential since it translates into people doing something right they screw up the first time. However that requires them to honestly care enough to try and do it right after they screwed up.

That just isn't the way it works in my little hunk of the world. Here if somebody blows it you can pretty much expect that they will shrug their shoulders and say "oh well." Then they will most like shuffle off for a nap and hope you don't bother them again.

It is a shame to me that in my town a yawn is even more likely than a lie. Not for me so much. But a whole lot of people I know.

At least despite the obstacles there are the occasional moments when a miracle happens and the impossible takes place. Somebody actually admits to doing something wrong. Then even more incredible they will even try to correct the problem.

I do wonder how such strange people ended up cursed to live in my city. An individual with those kinds of values could actually succeed in life in another arena.

I don't tell them that though. I prefer to just savor the temporary miracle of finding one person out of god knows how many that really cares. Then for a moment I fear they might leave. But if that happens, I just keep remembering that once I got a shot at a "that's more like it" event and hopefully there is another crazy person like that one who will show up on another day. I can always hope!

SPARE ME

Do you know why they have coined this phrase? I abound with theories and I intend to share them.

First of all there is the spare you keep in the trunk when you have a flat tire. It is often a tire that is just a make due type of tire because you only plan on using it long enough to get to a tire store and have a real tire fix. These days a lot of car manufacturers understand this aspect of driving, which is why they put those small little donut spares in trunks instead of a regular size tire. I mean who cares when the thing only has a limited value.

There are people in our lives we treat like a spare tire. And I'm not talking about the one they are lugging around their middle. I'm speaking of people who serve a temporary purpose and then you forget about them. They are good enough to be used, but not to be useful on a regular basis.

I've got plenty of these kinds of people in my life. They often even work for me. Only I never talk to them because I have them working in some department I almost never visit or care about. Oh yeah, I savor those kind of spare me people. They serve a purpose, but outside of doing a crappy job nobody else would do, you don't even or care that they exists.

Cruel as it might be, that is part of life. You can't drive the road called being without having the occasional flat. So you need a few spares to make sure you don't get slowed down on your journey.

Meanwhile that isn't the only form of spare. There is the type of spare as in a bowling alley. That is one of the ten pins that you failed to knock down so it keeps you from your goal. It is part of the whole and you can't play without it, but darn it all, it is just such a pain the way it stands there and doesn't cooperate.

So you end up having to exhaust yourself with extra effort just to get that spare pin to do what all the others have already done. They are something other than a source of joy, that's for sure!

These are generally the more temperamental types of employees. They serve a purpose, but darn they give you so much grief.

But at least they aren't the only employees. I do have a few that are neither of the first two types of spares.

For me they are like spare change. They are useful and come in handy when you need something from a vending machine. So you do enjoy having them in your pocket. Although they can be heavy to lug around. But it is worth it when you have a craving.

Oh yeah, spares are definitely something I know about. Sometimes I even manage to not think about them. At least until I need them.

SAVE THE LAST DANCE

I'm not talking about the regular kind of dancing here. I'm speaking of the kind of puppet does. Which being in politics is something I have either to do myself or manage to make others to do.

The last dance for me in that regard is centered about the last opportunity you have make someone act the way you want before you discard them. Oh yeah, the last one is the most fun since you know it won't happen again.

For a politician it is the time when you are finishing up your last tenure in a given office. That hasn't happen to me yet, but the day will come no doubt.

In the meantime I do still have my occasions of having the last dance. That is when I've abused and used some group of voters for the sake of a campaign need, but won't get to do it again, darn it.

I'm talking about a special group, say like seniors, homeless or basically anyone that you use in order to get mileage out them in terms of votes. So you make them sort of dance from the attention, but then later, ah, once your in office it is who? I love that part. It is so much fun!

Naturally, I don't tell others that. I'm not that stupid. However, neither do I waste time returning their phone calls. Which naturally gives me the thrill of cutting the strings and generally when they are totally convinced you are never going to leave.

It is all a political puppeteer's delight. And I delight myself every occasion I can, right up to the point I cut those strings. Then it's, "have a nice life sucker," and if I'm in a real good mood I toss in the part about "we'll do lunch," which we'll never actually do!

Like I said that last dance when I'm the one controlling the strings is fabulous. But the part I hate is when I'm the one dangling.

That happens when I end up being used by the big boys of politics. Those on the state and federal level who not only control the strings, but probably invented them and the scissors that they use. Oh yeah, they are the master of this kind of last dance.

I try to avoid doing much of this kind of dancing. But you can be darn sure if I do end up dancing that I try to make it so darn impressive they just can't bring themselves to cut the strings. Hey, I know how to brown nose as good, if not better than some.

And if by chance that means I have to dance and cut somebody else's strings you can be sure I'll do that too. I just love that option. Sort of a form of survival, only I never have to feel guilty. At least I do my best not to let it bother me.

I guess for the moment that is enough joy of thinking about last dances. Which reminds me, I have a speech to give to some seniors. I like dealing with the elderly in that regard. They often don't even know when you have cut their strings!

THE OTHER SIDE OF MADNESS

You might not think there is flip side to madness, but I know there is. And let me tell you it is even more scary than the side of madness that is obvious.

Normally, madness in terms of insanity is pretty obvious. The person might or might not accept their version of life is crazy, but it is generally pretty easy to tell.

So you can at least feel comfortable if you are talking with someone that is carrying on a conversation with a bunch of invisible friends, you don't have to worry about what the person says. You just wait for the perfect opportunity to run away and hide. Or if you are fortunate enough you can sick the person on some other poor slob. That solves your problem and with me that is all that matters.

What is the concern is dealing with the people who are insane, but appear to be normal. They can really sneak up on you and drive you nuts. I think it is sort of a rule that if the person lives on the other side of madness they get lonely and need company. Only you can't stay there and be sane, so that means you have to eventually join them in their lunacy.

Basically we are talking about people with the illusion of sanity. Just enough to function in the work place. Only they just do a great job of keeping that demented side of their nature hidden till the time they can control any longer.

This will happen at the most unexpected times and generally in the most unexpected situations if not totally embarrassing. I tell you there is nothing more awkward that trying to explain to a citizen why some city employee was sitting at his or her desk totally naked with their underwear on their head while singing show tunes.

And if by chance that was to happen right after you had a meeting with them and they seemed normal it might only make you feel even more dumbfounded. Making that additionally complicated is if in that meeting you granted them additional responsibility, including being in charge of some financial aspect of city business.

You might think I'm making this part up, but believe me I wish I was. Even now as I write about it I still have trouble imagining how one second this person was just as usual as good be. Then five minutes later I'm getting a panicked call from security.

I'm just glad this isn't something that happens every day. It does happen a lot more than i wish, but I'm grateful they do get sort of spaced out enough for us to get a breather in between the moments of disaster.

The main reason I suppose this even came to me as a posting was because I just had one of those moments yesterday. What was really depressing was the fact that it was the same person I described above. In this case the person apparently ran out of his medication. Hardly a way we wanted to fine out. I'm grateful that today he does seem okay. Although I do have security keeping an eye on him. After all, he was sort of talking kind of strange on the subject of underwear.

OH HAPPY DAY

If only every day qualified for that term! But then it would depend on who was defining something as happy.

I know I have my definition. However, that doesn't mean it applies to others the same way. Some people have shall we say a strange idea of happiness. At least from my point of view.

In my city where bland is almost a religion individual's thresholds of joy vary, but generally aren't what I would call exciting or entertaining. We do have the usual variety of things like theaters, shops and malls. Plus with have the predictable assortment of taverns and other places intended to cater to the more discriminating needs of adults.

But on the surface of my sleeping little hamlet there is this silly little delusion that insists we project this image of being a city of wholesome character. It is a load of crap, but that doesn't keep people from wanting to cultivate the image.

Needless to say, that doesn't necessary qualify as my idea of a happy day either. Not when we are talking bake sales, bingo, pg movies and spelling bees. And those are just a few of the yawns available as happy day where I live.

As Mayor I do find myself having to endure the need to spend time in such places for the sake of appearance. It doesn't mean I'm thrilled by such events. And at times I do have to spend time practicing to make it look like I'm enjoying myself, even though my smile is mainly a form of gritting my teeth.

About the only thing that gets me through such experiences is remembering the joy of the glorious times when I can have my version of oh happy day. I can't exactly share it with others in all cases. Somehow the people of my city would just not understand the Mayor of "Blandville" playing a game of barbarian and the slave with a rent a date.

That's sort of the only one I can rather allude to and still avoid going into the kind of details that might qualify this posting as something other than PG. Why I think that is important I guess is so I don't have to lie about it to others when I say I have a blog for general reflections.

Yeah, that is a type of a hypocrisy. But what can I say, better in my town to be a hypocrite than a pervert.

It might seem like an odd choice. However if you were to live in my city you would quickly discover that this was something that is perfectly logical in Mediocrity.

I didn't say it was rationale or a good thing. Just that it worked where I live and frankly when something works, even if it is silly, I'm happy. Enough to even call it a happy day despite how incredibly boring the surroundings are. It does help me to get through the joy of so many events that are as exciting as watching the grass grow, which I'm sorry to say happens a lot where I live.

AN OFFER YOU CAN'T...

No, I'm not going to complete that with "refuse." That would be too predictable. Plus in my case it would hardly be applicable.

It might work for the guys who have the kind of persuasive talents that if you do what they say they can make you disappear. As for me, about the only was I can make a person disappear is if I figure a way to lure them away with a bribe of some kind.

Not that it wouldn't be nice to say have the fun of perhaps surprising a few pesky people with the alternative of, do it or else, I just don't expect I'm going to be all that successful at it from my point of view. So I have to be content to simply find more creative means of getting what I want from uncooperative people.

Which is really what we are talking about here. You don't need to be all that creative with the ones that are helpful. They already do what you want. It is the one's who are a pain in the butt that merit the most attention.

The really hard part too is when I have to manage this without the person even knowing I'm conning them. Some people are not that happy about having to play the sucker, but that is what you just make sure they don't know.

How do I accomplish that little detail? It mainly depends upon the person. The thing is the ones who normally are the easiest to manipulate are often the ones who think they are the biggest, baddest dudes on the planet.

Why would I say they are sometimes the easiest to manipulate? Mainly because they have such incredible egos that as long as they think you are letting them have their way, they never actually check to be sure that you truly did.

The person not so confident is more apt to pay attention to the small things. The are more prone to not expect success so they will be quicker to notice when you are jerking their chain.

That amounts to the problem of them being more inclined to ask the kinds of questions that can really get annoying. And they will ask questions that are hard to lie about because they expect facts and that is the biggest problem in the world when facts are the one thing I work so hard to not deal with or mention.

Basically it all comes down to a simple reality that no matter what else happens, I have to be sure in order to get people to do what I want, I make them thing otherwise. Lies, deception and any other means that will let me have the joy of pretending the other dude didn't do what I want is all part of the game.

And of course, I don't use a regular rule book. I prefer to not even have a rule book. There is too much chance that if I had one somebody might look at the rules. That would slow down the whole lying process.

YOU AND WHAT ARMY OF...

This is one of those silly, little boasting things a person says to imply you will need an army to kick their butts. Well unless they are sitting on a nuke or something I doubt you'll need any kind of army to get them to behave or whatever.

Which brings me to the core of my thinking here. Boasting is silly if you can't measure it in terms of backing up what you claim. Then it is boring.

I'm not against boasting. I even love the idea of bluffing. But it does absolutely no good to boast or bluff if the other person does buy the con.

Now there are times when you simply have to rely on the art of illusion in such situations. Yep, it is all a matter of making the other guy think you're armed enough to squash him with a smile. Then even if it is a joke, you can rest more peacefully knowing you did the perfect thing and can go back to your fantasy isle where you can do nothing, but have fun.

Which means among other things that you can stop worrying. That has been one of my goals in life, to always make sure the other slob does all the worrying. Let him have the headaches, I just want to party.

There as a time when naturally I was more prone to want to change the world. Then I came to the conclusion that nobody really wanted improvement. Plain and simple, we normally do what we darn well please. Just look at the subject of war. We really do love beating up on each other. A lot more than the other option of trying to help each other.

So let's get to the core of the matter. Why mess with doing other than pretending. I mean nobody has to change then, we can just keep enjoying lying and have a good time in the process.

I say party hearty and pass the crap,
when we're done we can take a nap!

Oh the joy, oh the bliss, let misery
be other guy's life and century!

A tad of wish and thought worthy of the times in which we live! I think it is sound advice and I'm grateful I took it.

Now all I have to do is try and remember when I sent that threatening letter to that guy if I did sing it with a bogus name. I sure hope so, just like claiming it was from a bogus law firm.

If not, well that is the beauty of answer machines. They do help you hide so often from when you want to pretend that yellow streak down the back doesn't exist.

OH YEAH!

How the proud and courageous resound of a defiant chortle so echoing with confidence? Now before I get to far and somebody is going huh? Let me simplify it by saying, "oh yeah!"

Basically, we're talking about a state of mind. A deep abiding spirit of never-say die, don't surrender, keep trying regardless of what. It is a time of victory in the heart, but one that you love because you can brag about it.

And the whole time you haven't actually fired a single offensive shot, don't nothing in terms of acting on the sense of need for revenge. Point is, this is all about talk. Creating the illusion of ultimate victory even if it never becomes more than words. It just feels so good and sounds so impressive!

Meanwhile, once you get passed the illusion and all the joys of pretending to be a lion, you relax and go back to being a lamb. That's the part, which comes after the oh yeah, where you sheepishly say, "oh bother."

Only naturally we never exactly get into boasting about that part. Instead we hope it doesn't even get heard. Praying to god that nobody notices the yellow streak down our back that we do such a great job trying to keep covered up.

Am I saying we are all basically wimps at heart? No, not really. I'm just talking about how often talk is a whole more fun than action. We can spend all day shooting our mouths off without actually doing anything.

Shoot the very fabric and foundation of our society is based on words. Okay, true, they don't work quite as well unless you got a whole bunch of the meanest, toughest dudes on the planet to go out and kick butt when needed, but still the words almost always come first. It is sort of a good habit.

And it really does make sense too. I mean if you send the giants out first to break heads then the people who need to hear the words are going to be unconscious. That sort of defeats the benefit of saying all those words.

Plus saying the words gives the dudes with no necks who live to break bodies time to warm up before they go out and beat senseless whoever it is you decide needs to be pulverized. It really is a very logical approach.

Now for those of us lacking any benefit from the help of a bunch of goons, it doesn't mean we can't talk tough. We all got that part down pat. We just sort of forget when it lacks much benefit when you aren't following it up with some type of brain numbing act that makes the person you are threatening know you are serious.

But what the heck, why should that part keep us from having fun with the words. It has never stopped me so far. I just pray I never have to look in the mirror long enough to smell the crap.

NEVER ON A PAYDAY

I think the most obvious way to finish this remark is to say, "get out of debt." Yeah, it never happens on payday, although I bet we all wish it would.

What am I trying to accomplish with such an observation? Simply to say, "Hey buddy, I know where you are coming from." Meaning, despite being a Mayor, I still end up living from paycheck to paycheck too. I got debt, I got creditors and I would sure love one payday to make them both disappear. I just know that isn't going to happen!

However, the thought does ramble around in my head and I'm sure it does in other people's too. So I prefer to look at payday in part as an installment of hope. Maybe not the complete chance for perfect hope, but enough to keep one smiling for another day.

Another thing that probably won't happen on payday is getting a promotion. And odd connection no doubt, but I mention it since it too is one of those ideas that comes into the mind. A promotion means a raise and has anyone not had a fantasy that a miracle would happen on payday.

The only real miracle might be that you get to the bank before the checks you wrote to the creditors get cashed. Yeah, that is one of those blessing you never exactly try to brag about is it?

So through it all, we still love payday. Oh true, it means bucks to help us beat back the creditors for another couple of weeks, but sometimes that is a good thing to remember too.

Perhaps never on a payday is also a prayer of sorts. Meaning something like never on a payday may my paycheck bounce!

That is one never on a Sunday, which I imagine nobody ever wants to happen huh? I can't imagine anyone thinking that would be a good thing.

Meanwhile, life goes on. Paydays come and go and the mind will always be plagued with trying to figure out how to make some never on payday fantasy come true.

Well providing you are talking about sane options of never on payday. God, whatever we don't want is to have somebody who wants something like a disaster or the end of the world to come on payday.

I mean I sure hope that never happens. Shoot, who would want the end of the world to happen before you got to the bank? That would be such a tragedy. To have worked for two weeks and not get a chance to blow the money! Hmmm, I guess when it comes to the end of the world, none of us would get to vote on that choice. But I have a feeling if the end of the world was to happen on a payday the line of people waiting to make a deposit at the bank would be longer than the one of people trying to get a seat in the nearest church.

OVER AND POUT

It is so funny how at times people love to claim they are so forgiving, but really aren't. This seems to be a bigger problem for folks with some kind of religious agenda.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't forgiveness where you truly don't harbor some hate for somebody who has wronged you? I think that applies. I mean it is not in any way or under any circumstances trying to get even.

Personally, I know I'm a failure in that regard. However, I've never claimed to be otherwise.

What bugs me the most are the ones who say "it's over" as in forgotten, then they sit back and pout because they really don't feel it is over. It's called saying one thing, but actually feeling and acting on a different feeling that contradicts what you say. In other words, being a hypocrite.

So instead of saying up front, it's not over and I hate your guts and always will, they said something totally stupid like I forgive you, but you know they truly don't. You really have to be careful too because if you take these people serious you can be sure they will figure a way to get even and it will blind side you.

There are so many ways a person can hide pouting too. Avoidance is a common method. They just stop talking to you. Or if they do talk to you they always keep the conversation short and very impersonal.

But perhaps the biggest part is that if you sense something is wrong and ask, they will say everything is fine. Liars!

Why is it that if I lie as a politician it is a terrible thing, but if these people like to keep from telling you they hate your guts it is okay? I've never been able to figure that part out.

What I do know is that they are all jerks for the way they toss out this crap and claim to be forgiving even though it is all a crock. I can do without that kind of grief!

Meanwhile, in the real world where I live, I don't make the effort to pretend I am forgiving. Oh I will probably apply the effort of avoidance. That for me is a way to get you sidetracked by a diversion while I plot my revenge. And if I work it right you won't even know I did it.

At least I don't find the need to say something stupid like I forgive you. I just can't bring myself to say that with a straight face when I'm looking at you in the eyes and dreaming of what it would be like to rip out your heart. Isn't that a touching sentiment?

I guess I will always have to live with that option though in terms of putting up with the people who say one thing and mean another Hard to avoid the majority, especially as a politician.

PLAIN AND COMPLICATED

I have decided that there is some kind of magical trickster out there that controls some aspects of life to really ruin your day. Oh, we are talking about a god or anything. More like a gremlin or gnome who is hung over and has a bad attitude with a real sick sense of humor.

You can think I'm trying to be funny, but I dare you to prove me wrong. Yeah, go ahead and prove that there aren't moments in life when something starts out plain and the next thing you know it is "OH GOD HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!"

Uh-huh, that's right you know what I'm talking about. So what's wrong with deciding there is some demented gnome out there just waiting to figure the best way to truly give you grief.

See we all hear the sayings like "crime doesn't pay." And the other hogwash that we are told to believe that good will always win over bad. It sounds wonderful, but we know it is a load of crap. And a big one at that.

What I see is that the consequence of such devotion to greed and other equally evil plots is most applicable as a form of grief. I mean if you are plotting and planning something like taking over the world and you get defeated by the good guys, you might not keep trying.

But suppose you were to try and take over the world only to find out all the toilets and sewers were backed up. The plumbing bills alone would cost a fortune! Now that is the kind of grief I'm talking about. It doesn't keep you from making plans, but it sure does make the process utterly miserable!

Now you can tell me that is an accident or a fluke. That all those incidents of coming "that close" and getting shafted is a natural order of events.

As for me, well it just make me sit and keep in the back of my mind, when I plot this event and hope it will work out, I have to wonder what is plain that is going to get complicated? I'm learning to ask that question a lot too.

In between the insanity though, I do manage to marvel at how if there is one place where Murphy's law truly works it is with these plots. But being the silly fool that I am, I keep hoping this time will be different.

I've told myself plenty of times. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I'm also hoping to win the lottery some day too.

Personally, I'm inclined to think I have a better shot at winning the lottery. But then I also know if I did, I would probably have my car go whacky from some kind of problem and I would run into some nuns in a bus or other situation where it would take all the cash I from the lottery to cover that cost. Plain and complicated that ain't!

TINY TROUBLES

The most casual of crisis, the simplest to solve are often a dragon that looks tame and then gets real nasty. So you start out thinking, no problem, I can fix that any time I want.

Only time slips by and before you know it that little pest of a problem has turned into a nightmare. How you can't even excuse it because it was easy to fix in the first place, but you didn't do a thing about it.

Yep, that is human nature. Procrastination is the folly of the presumptuous. Um, something along those lines. At least it is a definite folly when you end up looking like an idiot.

What I have observed that there is a domino effect to this stupidity. If I as Mayor end u acting stupid and ignoring a trivial problem, then so will my help. And if I dare to ask them why they didn't bring some small problem to me they give me one of those "because" looks. You know the type that says, "why do you have to ask when you've done the same thing a dozen times yourself." Yeah, that kind of look!

One would assume I guess that life would come to a point when this happened enough so you would learn from the experience. Would that it would be so!

Instead, I get brain drain from overconfidence. The past means nothing, the future is a glorious bouquet of refreshing possibilities without the slightest chance there will be any storms or weeds. Oh yeah, that is stupid to the ultimate degree.

I suppose I ought to for the sake of image pretend I don't make those kinds of mistakes. But darn it all, there are some things that are so utterly pathetic all you can do is shake your head and say, yep, that's me.

I didn't say that was a good thing. I merely said, that is reality. And like too many aspects of reality, it sucks at times.

Is there a cure for this type of stupidity? Probably. Most things can be fixed. Providing you can handle the cure.

But I'm far too lazy to want to think that hard all the time. And what fun would life be if you never had the joy of any chance to lie to yourself. That's what I call dreams. Only I mean it in a good way.

However, I figure that come way may, I'll probably have one of those "I know" conversations with myself eventually. Those are the kind you try to have with your teenagers who reply to doing something stupid, "I know." Only like me, they don't know it well enough to not actually do it. In retrospect I just have to sit back and smile and savor the joy of knowing that there are some lessons such as tiny troubles where we never really do our homework.

UNDER THE BIG MOP

This is my phrase for when we have general housecleaning at city hall. It is a special time when we go through and get rid of crap that we should have gotten rid of before, but didn't. The reason is so we can make room for new crap.

Oh we never put it that way of course, but it is the real reason. Still, that doesn't mean we always love getting rid of the old crap. Which is where the hard part comes in. Having to part with some of those dear treasures can really be next to impossible at times.

Now I will admit this is not just my employees' problem. I can be a pack rat myself. I don't know, there are just some things that retain a real sentimental value and even if the are utterly worthless I just hate to part with them. I know that several of my employees have a similar feeling.

But despite that nature, we do find ourselves periodically in the position to have to say good-bye to our cherish whatever. We play a sad song, rejoice over our will power in purging our lives of some unnecessary clutter and then console ourselves by making room for new clutter.

Ah it is to laugh, as somebody once said. And the real fun is we always define this game of moving old junk for new junk as progress. Maybe in terms of the size of piles we try to use, but otherwise things seldom change that much.

Which in reality is fine by me. All that change that truly alters the work place or storage rooms is just way too traumatic for my anal retentive clan. The poor gang just is so prone to enjoying the little things of life. How can I deprive them the simple pleasure of hording useless junk?

So I don't. Then I don't have to do it either. That is the best part. And my employees are so relieved when I let them holding to there crap, they don't even notice I am doing the same.

I suppose the one reason I felt a need to even put this in a blog was as tribute to the endurable capacity of the human spirit to pretty much do what it wants regardless of what is logical. I've never figured how why we are so ashamed to celebrate being so crazy in the way we do some things?

Some people really like to pretend they can make sense out of life. They have no sense of humor and I figure are going to die miserable too.

I might pity their lack of zest for life, but that doesn't mean I intend to join them. If that means I have to let one of my employees hold onto a hunk of crap he or she doesn't need because it makes them happy, then it works for me.

I just don't plan on making a habit out of admitting we are doing this as a habit. There are some things it is so much better and fun to lie about. At least so we can still pretend we are sane.

BIG MONEY

I'm thinking here in terms of size, not amount. I know that sounds weird, but it is important. Why? Because I feel it is an issue of attitude.

Now before I leave you scratching your head, please grant me the opportunity to explain. With size you think of things such as will it fit in my wallet or checkbook. That in its crazy way to me inspired a respect for the shear power of money.

When you think only in terms of amount, your brain gets paralyzed between the numbers and what you can do with them. So you may just lose your appreciation for there real value.

Yeah, I mean that. It might seem a bit silly, but honestly I don't think so. Because with size you get a sense of rare and that inspires greed in a way that makes you want to protect what you have. Whereas with normal size money, it is ordinary enough looking and you can get it from so many places, so you do worship or hold it with reverence.

I know worshipping money is not a good thing. And I agree in terms of how you relate it to other people. That might seem strange coming from me, but honestly I do assess people as being a form of big money.

Providing they have been "printed" in the right way. There are an awful lot of counterfeit types our there. Those for me are the ones that are rare or special, but what you to think they are. You can really market them, so they honesty have no value.

Well, I imagine this will all seem silly to some people. They are the ones who will no doubt end up in "debt" in that regard too. By that I mean they see money and all its symbolism in a way that makes it replaceable. So they don't give thought to waste or making sure they really see it as special.

For those people I love being a banker. They end up squandering the fortunes of thought that have come their way. I naturally make them a loan of my creativity with the added fee of making them buy into my lies.

Later, it all comes down to payday for me. I manage to get some profit for myself in terms of help or even a few regular bucks. All because my kind of greed doesn't assume the bank will be open tomorrow. Yeah, it works for me.

Of course, I don't mind sharing my bank. For the right fee naturally. Just drag out the big money talk and I'll be impressed in the process.

Seems fair enough too me. But then when it comes to making an emotional buck just like any greenback, it all gets put in the plus column sooner or later.

And that is enough to keep me smiling, even when I do run into those human vacuum cleaners. Them I hope to clog with baloney to keep from losing any money.

ON ACCOUNT OF

Excuses. I love them when I use them and hate them when I hear them. Is that being a hypocrite? You are darn right and I'm proud of it.

How can I justify such an attitude? Easy, I'm a politician and a liar by nature. So a natural extension of that is being flexible in my values and standards. Too me being flexible translates into pretty much making them up as needed.

I don't always hate it when I hear the on account of from somebody. Some people are so creative and talented that when they give me an excuse it is practically a work of art. Which is probably what gripes me with most of the other times. They lack originality. So call it a matter of judging creativity more than anything else.

So I can almost applaud when a person does it right. You better believe that is so cool. I have nothing, but admiration for an artful use of the tongue by someone who can spread the manure as well as I can. That's pure talent.

However, I do really get more than a little annoyed with the ones seeking to dodge responsibility by coming up with some lame account of. Now I've used enough of those in my days to know a really piss poor one when I hear.

It just really bores the crap out of me. And that is no fun. Which is probably my main issue. I like to have fun, regardless of the situation.

Go ahead tell me a story. Make it as clever and interesting as possible. Just please, don't bore me. I will hate that more than anything.

You see the driving force for this with me is a matter of knowing when somebody gives me a lame story that it generally means I have to in turn rewrite it before I give it to somebody else. And that means work. I hate having to do extra work.

Whereas a thoughtful employee who is kind enough to have thought through this issue and really come up with a winning on account of almost deserves a medal or trophy. True, I can't give them one, but you can be darn sure I put them on my list of favorite employees.

Perhaps the day will come when I can take a whole different approach to this thing. I'm not sure when or how, but I might give it some thought. Maybe I can even come up with some award for most successful pile of manure dressed up to smell sweet as on account of. That would be cool too.

The hard part is figuring out how I could reward the great liars and still not tell them it is okay to lie. Sort of will be kind of tricky. But I'm sure if I can sucker the people every election with lies, then I can figure something out.

In the meantime, I'm going to work up a computer file. And create a list of on account excuses I've already heard too many times. That should help.

FLEECE AND WHEEZE

I'm fond of the term fleecing the flock. It conjures for me the image of stripping someone bare of their usable qualities without destroying their capacity to revive so you can do it again later. Basically, it is extracting just enough life from the person to leave them wheezing, yet never to the point it becomes lethal. That way when they have recovered you can do it again and again and again.

That's why people are sometimes called sheep. You can fleece them or sheer off their fleece to go and sell it or whatever, but it will grow back. Then the next year you can do it one more time. Taxes are for me the most practical application. You take a little now, well okay a nice healthy chunk, but leave them enough to survive so next year you can do it all over again. In fact you never really stop with taxes.

And the best part for me is you really don't have to prove you can do any good with the money. It is the government after all. We don't have to waste time explaining.

There is this silly notion some people have that a government needs to be accountable to the citizens in some way. Nice sentiment, but not the least bit realistic.

I know our government is supposed to be about "we the people" and it is true. But who says we really know what we are doing? And it isn't like everyone could be contacted to ask permission every time the government wanted to do something is it?

So that is why we elect leaders and allow the government to hire help to take care of all that crap we don't really want to deal with. The price tag is taxes.

I like the basic philosophy of this approach. A democracy, if worked right by the leaders can be the perfect dictatorship. Yep, I said dictatorship.

Why do I say that? Because it is simple when you think about it. Essentially, we get the illusion of voting people into office. When in reality the vote is just window dressing. All the major decisions are made by a small group of very rich and powerful people. Which I think is the way it ought to be.

Meanwhile, we get the joy of all those noble ideals, which nobody can actually live up to. So that gives us that governing document we can claim represents freedom. Although in reality it in no way provide real freedom.

Instead it is the ultimate form of fleecing. It is because the document contributes to the general flow of distraction. And as long as we get our little slice of the pie, we won't really care if they are fleecing us.

Along the way when they get a tad too greedy we end up wheezing at times. But they will give us a few lies to help us going in such situations. Thus life goes on in the style which we deserve. They get the fruit of fleeing and as long as we don't wheezing constantly, it is pass the remote and escape with cable, waiting for that cell phone to ring at the Home Shopping Networks 800 number.

DESPERATE TIMES

Yeah, this is about desperate times. Now with my crowd of lunatics I see every day desperate times can be a simple as not having any donuts in the break room for breakfast.

Which sort of illustrates my point. Desperation is in the eyes of the beholder. At least the way I see it.

A lack of donuts to me is not a desperate time. But it becomes one if I have to cope with too many nut cases who want to try and give me their case of dementia.

I suppose I should feel blessed to have the joy of having so many people who can totally freak out over something like a lack of toilet paper think I should share in such panic attacks. I imagine that would be one way to look at it, but I don't.

To me it is nothing, but a major pain in the butt. One that I wish would go away and never come back. However, I do know that will never happen in my life time. I couldn't be that lucky.

My luck would run to being blessed with having even more nut cases added to the payroll. And I imagine somewhere in their new hire paperwork one will find the wonderful comment, when you want to act insane, go see Rash.

Oh they would never show me that paper. Because that would ruin the fun. Instead it is far better if they just have the time to practice panicking till they have it just right.

Then they can come and heap it on me so it won't get bogged down by any chance of there being a single truth in anything they say. Nope, any truth would take away the risk that I would have reason to think they were nuts. And where would the joy be in that?

Instead, I just get the thrill of it all. The times when one of my employees decides there is no difference between reality and fiction. So if he sees dragons in his coffee, I should too.

Naturally it does provide the rare moment of smiles. Not enough to make up for when I want to scream. But that's okay I suppose.

That is because I use it as an excuse for all the times I end up sucking the city coffers dry in order to compensate me for babysitting loons. Some might call that a fair form of compensation.

And until the time comes that I can persuade the men with badges to buy that I will still have to tolerate just keeping it a secret. Which isn't always tough when my employees are so busy inventing big fat lies to worry about and claiming they are true. Having nothing, but employees with no credibility does help to inspire my greed.

OH MY

There are several ways to fill in the words that follow this lead in. However, I doubt any of them is expressive of something you think is great. Well, it might be good in some cases I suppose, but I think most of the time it is more related to a instance of shock.

The oh my's in the world for me are the times we are really pissed because something we expected didn't happen. Or something changed we thought would never improve.

That is how it often occurs in my world at least. Let me tell you too that too often the oh my's of the world are not a good thing. And at times they aren't even a real oh my.

It all depends on who is doing the comment as to whether it is good or bad. Or if it even qualifies under the oh my category.

A big qualifier for me is when it involves an expression that comes from someone who is normally highly excitable. Such a person is prone to panic and naturally going to imagine the worse in all situations.

But it is never fun being afraid or having a panic attack if you don't have someone to share it with. So they decide I'm the lucky person who should share is such a bounty. Not that I was consulted before they made such a decision, merely that they decided I was the person who needed or would appreciate such a behavior.

In my life the central voice of lunacy in the oh my department is my secretary, Edna Frump. She does have several redeeming qualities, but when it comes to remaining calm, you can forget it. Edna is hardly the type who could manage to see the world as other than in crisis.

And if it isn't bad enough that there are plenty of things to worry about, she will go out of her way to find extra things to stress over. I'm sure if there was a place on the internet you could visit that would give you extra crap to worry about, she would be there biggest visitor.

I don't think I would mind if she didn't insist upon listening to some nut on the radio who specializes in thinking up the most incredible baloney to worry about. I mean come on, do you really expect me to believe that there are aliens living on the planet who are somehow using breakfast cereal to turn us all into zombies. That is one of his saner theories.

However, despite it all, I know I can expect tomorrow will promise more of the same. As long as the sun rises and there is greed in the world I have no doubt my secretary will be freaking out over the most absurd things.

I also have no doubt that I will not be spared the oh my's either. About the only good thing I can say is that it does give me something to post. So there is some benefit. Maybe in a way that helps anyone, but it will give a smile or two.

YOU DID WHAT?

I would consider my life truly blessed if I never had to ask this question again. But lucky me, the gods or fate or just some drunken pissed off gnomes have other plans.

Perhaps there is some place in the world where people never get a case of the stupids. I haven't found it yet, but I keep hoping.

However, I imagine that will my luck I would end up somehow causing an infection of moronic propositions till nobody there could function without being utterly absurd. Yeah, I bet that would be my misfortune.

So in reflection perhaps being stuck in this realm where my employees only go brain dead is a good thing. It might be better if they never called me to tell me about it, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Essentially, anyone can have a bad day. Perhaps some it equates to a bad life. One they managed to get out of bed on the wrong side of their brain. It happens. Way to often I suppose.

And naturally I have managed lots of practice at maintaining my poker face while screaming on the inside when one of my employees starts out a conversation with, "Um boss...." It is almost always followed by "you're not going to believer this, but...."

I have always learned to believe it. I hardly have a choice. I just wish they would appreciate that after they start out a conversation that way enough times I sort of know what is coming next. I do try not to yawn though.

Basically, I do wish though that they could spare me the awkwardness of their rambling. It is like they need to tell me their life's story so I will understand they have a valid reason for going brain dead. Frankly, I could care less.

All I want to know is what did you screw up and how bad did you goof? Is this like a major alarm fire or just smoke signals? Do I have to call all the fire trucks to save the city from burning to the ground or can I just admire the smoke?

I don't think you can blame me for having that attitude. After all, if I'm going to play fireman because somebody keeps playing with matches and burning their fingers, I would appreciate it if they would at least try to learn from the blunder. You know, like if you got burnt fingers once then have the smarts to not do the same stupid thing again.

For me it is a matter of growing weary from having to think up new lies to explain the same old stupid mistakes. That just gets so tiring after a while. Plus the public just won't buy all the baloney I peddle on a given blunder if I have to explain how it will never happen again and have had to do it more than six or seven times. Even the apathetic do have a tolerance level to their apathy. True, in Mediocrity it is probably a lot more than in some cities, but they still can only take so much of stupidity no matter how creative my lie.

BROKE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

When you got money, everyone is willing to be your friend. At least for the most part they will assume that bulge in your pants is from a wad of money. Ahem, I wont take the erotic detour of suggestion regarding what else would provide such a bulge.

Now the tough part is if you do have bucks and you are stupid enough to let others know it then you risk them trying to figure ways to suck you dry. Like I said that is providing you are stupid enough to tell the whole world in the first place.

Well all of that is basic review on the celebration of the human essence in terms of our proclivity towards selfishness. Basically, we are greedy rats and come by it naturally.

So it only follows that in the process of looking for another source of money to squeeze like sponge one would be inclined to discard what no longer has any greenbacks. Just toss the soul that is broke on some ash heap of lies and failed promises. Oh yeah, forgotten is such a predictable fate for the person so used.

The tough part is playing this game and not being forgotten. It is really difficult to accomplish. Because the first problem is that the leeches don't generally hang around like vampires unless they know they can get fed. They'll get to ravenous and rush off in quest of a more tastier and satisfying victim to bleed dry.

Logically, of course, one might question the merit of even wasting time with the leeches. But I say that is all part of the joy of playing the game. If you do it right you can get them so insane with desire from thinking they are going to rip you off that they will agree to anything just for that finally avarice fix.

The challenge is to do this without them ever knowing it is you that is sucking them dry. And if you work it right you end up not only squeezing them dry, but even thanking you for the help.

Which all culminates in the right situation with the person thinking you're wonderful or so stupid that you present no threat to them. Afterwards, you can rejoice over knowing they won't forget you. They might be confused over how they had you pegged as a sucker, but they will not figure out you really conned them.

It does call for some clever lying naturally. And even some decent play acting if you are wanting to make it look convincing.

In the end you have to let them be sure they think you are honestly broke. If they even smell the scent of a single penny in your pocket they are going to try and steal it.

This might all seem rather droll and pointless to the person with morals or values. Such people really need help from my concern. Too much honesty really is a bad thing if you are going to spend time in a world filled with blood suckers.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION OR HANDS OFF MY FRUIT BUDDY!

Okay, so I'm going to take a position on this thing that may or may not be popular. Affirmative action is the government's attempt to offset discrimination in the job place by making sure more minorities get a decent job. That's my understanding at least.

Which in some ways is so far, so good. I mean in a nation where you teach and preach freedom and the other tenets of democracy it just isn't good for our image to complicate things by being unfair to anyone group. Nope, equality would me everyone has to be abused at some point. Otherwise it just isn't fair, right?

So we rotate the privileges to some degree and make sure that every group gets a shot at some happiness. Oh not enough so EVERYONE in the group enjoys the American dream. That would be silly!

Instead we come up with a version where we say, "Okay this year we are going to help" and you can fill in the blank anyway you want. It comes down to "let's be kind to so and so this time." That way all those OOPS we were guilty of as a nation in the past can be sort of forgotten. At least by the folks doing the doling out of the benefits.

Now the one primary problem with those whole approach is that we don't have the willingness to make it a real panacea for all social ills. We will help some, but the basic fabric of our country remains the same. Those with the bucks are going to keep them, plain and simple. They will agree in helping the poor, but as long as it doesn't cost them too much.

Real equality is a noble concept, just not practical. At least as long as people continue to be people. And if anyone thinks that is going to change, then I have a bridge or two I'm willing to sell you.

What I want to know is if we help a few members of an oppressed group, but ignore others did we really do good? Maybe better than if we didn't try and at all. But as far as I can tell if you are one of those who misses out that was at the end of the gravy train line you aren't likely to say thank you. I know I wouldn't.

Am I saying I'm against Affirmative Action? Not at all. I'm just celebrating that as long as the dude fixing the meals decides who gets a share of what you can be sure fair is not going to figure into what gets served.

And as long as we attempt in some feeble manner to fix problems by not honestly trying to change the causes we are going to always end up with a circus. Personally, I enjoy knowing the clowns are running the show. It makes it more entertaining.

I can't wait for the next show! I just hope they bring out the parade. I think that is the best part of the entertainment. I love the jugglers who attempt to balance the budget and promise the world to everyone. Now that's entertainment to me. Others can call it what they want.

MELTING POTS

The most common usage of this term is I suppose where you are talking about a place where various people from different backgrounds melt together. They become a pot of life all working, living and whatever together.

Now in theory this has a certain merit I imagine. You can celebrate the diversity and all the unique forms of thinking that arise.

That all sounds wonderful. However, the one little detail that is often absent of that fact too me is the issue of how our ancestors in their native countries didn't get along. Or is the fact that history is full of wars just a fluke?

So what happens is you toss a whole bunch of descendants from parts of the world that can stand another part of the world into one, big happy pot of joy. Then you add a seasoning of democracy and hope, HOPE the whole thing will cook up and nice tasty social stews.

What we do get is a pot full of stuff that boils and boils and sometimes downright stinks. As for the ingredients, well unlike a real stew, when you mix all kinds of people from different backgrounds into the pot, they don't say thank you.

Instead, each ingredient ends up saying, me first, let the rest boil to smithereens. I want out! And by out, I mean I want to be in charge.

Now in the middle of all this chaos you get the added joy of having the people doing the cooking, who are the rich and powerful, all stirring the whole mess with a big wooden spoon of lies or whatever. All of which is to convince the rest of us that it is a good idea. That it is somehow in our best interest to be boiled together.

Am I sounding a tad negative. That isn't really my main desire. What I'm striving for is to paint a simple picture that says, "Hey, don't be stupid, we can't all get along."

There was a time when somebody once got famous for asking, "Can't we all just get along?"

I think time has certainly demonstrated that the real answer is nope! That doesn't mean we can't have an understanding of some kind. Which would include all of us understanding that SOMEBODY has to go into that pot sooner or later. Including each of us.

That translates pure and simple into a fact of each of us coping with the reality that we are going to get cooked to some degree like it or not. I didn't say we have to celebrate the reality, merely accept it is a fact.

And with a few helpful thoughts we can learn to not be pissed off about being boiled. Just be patient and enjoy the times when the next poor slob who doesn't look like you in any way takes his turn in the pot!

PAYDAY WAYS

I know if I mention payday you probably don’t even need me to talk about ways. The ways part is sticking the money in the bank long enough to write checks to spend it, providing you haven’t spent it before you deposit it like some of us.

We all know how it works for the workingman. Most have more debt than money. It is a plain fact of life. So payday is about the mad rush to try and stay ahead of the bill collectors. And hope the dudes at the credit card companies that you maxed out cards with don’t come knocking at the door to find out why you are charging up even more credit somewhere else.

All of that is common knowledge, we shun it in terms of saying it is a good thing, but we know it is true. We are saps for our compulsions. Every new shiny toy that comes along is something to lust for. I know it, you know it and by golly so do all the rich cats who come up with the crap we will pay a fortune to own that will break in a weak and be overpriced.

I guess in part all I am saying is I salute the process. It makes it possible for us to enjoy distractions and forget how we are all slaves in some way to a system that thinks of us as slaves too.

You might think that is funny for a Mayor to say, but outside of the title, being a kingpin in a small city doesn’t make me much better off than a whole lot of people. So I have my right to such opinions too.

And I say all of that, not because I’m thrilled by the process, but because what pisses me off are the few who aren’t. There is always some joker out there who goes against the rules. He saves his money, doesn’t care about having the latest computer, cell phone and cable television. Don’t you hate people who are like that? I think he’s sick!

I mean we go to all this trouble to invent a lifestyle totally unrelated to reality. There are places in the world were people are starving and homeless and we complain when the cable blows a fuse for a few hours or because our internet service is too slow. Now does that sound in all honesty like we have our priorities in the proper order?

Of course it doesn’t. And why should it? After all, I don’t think we ever pretended we were going to solve all the problems of the world. It is so much more fun to spend the time creating fantasies about how life might be. Then we can sit on our lazy butts, just drift away into a void of meaningless existence and rejoice we kept that pretender of reality at bay for another day.

In the meantime, I intend to go to lunch, kick back, get polluted and thank god my payday ways will get me by for another week or two. Sometimes that might lack the drama of the kind of noble approach to life that we should have. But then it also is far more fun that spending time having to solve problems anyway. Pass the remote folks so we can avoid any bumps in the road.

BABYING THE WAY

There are times when I wish I was a better liar. That might seem like a strange thing to say, but the problem is I can manage to seduce people with my words, but sometimes they will change their minds. It is like they think about my con and then realize it isn’t true.

On the occasions where I do succeed in convincing some sucker that I’m telling him the truth, when I’m not, I then often have to massage the situation to keep the con working. That amounts to holding the person’s hand in babying them so they won’t panic too much.

What I miss at times in the process is appreciating when I’m dealing with somebody who is way too insecure and in need of attention. I tell you there is nothing more aggravating than having to con a person who then you have to spend too much time stroking so they don’t leave and find somebody else to abuse them.

Now if I fail to notice that until after they have bought into my con job it really becomes a major pain. I mean I can end up with them calling like ten times a day to talk about absolutely nothing important.

Well, at least to me it isn’t important. I ask you should I really have need of hearing about why they took their dog to the vet or the strain they went through to find their kid the right costume for a school play?

In such situations the challenge becomes one of keeping my sanity and not letting the stress and frustration drive me crazy. It is finding that balance between listening and resisting the urge to strangle them.

Of course the other challenge is not allowing any of it to cause my blood pressure to get out of whack. I want greed to work, but I also want a steady case of mellow to fill my life.

That also gets involved because it means figuring a way to deal with guilt. Which is a different problem than the issue of anxiety and stress.

Guilt comes in two forms in such situations. There is the guilt from knowing you are a lying weasel and devote scum-bag and then there is the guilt arising from knowing the victims you produce from your greed.

The first kind of guilt is a matter of not looking in the mirror and indulging oneself enough as a distraction. The second kind involves making sure you don’t get involved with learning too many personal details about the individual life. Even for a creep like me if I have to find out he has a bunch of kids at home it can be tough to keep up the desired to steal from him. So I have to baby the way of greed and at the same time learn to not allow myself in a position where the facts might cause my heart to emotionally bleed. Nice rhyme, good advice for the con man.

COVER DOWN

You don’t hear about this too much in terms of when a cover up fails. That is what I call a cover down since the up part didn’t work. Others might call it have a cover blown. In any case it means for us conniving dudes big trouble.

Which is why I always find it important to include this aspect in any thinking to do with planning a cover up. Actually the pre-thought has to do with a strategy that plans out a con, provides for how to keep it a secret and covered up in the event of somebody finding out about and finally making sure in the case of a screw up that I can avoid getting into trouble.

So you see that is why the whole thing has to be thought through very carefully. I have to make sure to prepare for working with people who are prone to screw up. Inserting the moron factor is a key element in that regard. And then I have to be sure that I allow for my own stupidity at times too.

Now there are some that might presume this whole process is a lot of work for a con job. That is might be easier to just say screw it and forget the whole thing. But I ask you where is the fun in that?

Yes folks, too me the fun is the critical part. That is the element I most consider as important regardless of what some might think. Money does figure into the fun naturally so you do have to make allowances for that too.

Which is why the cover down part is so important. You just have to keep focus on what if. And if you don’t, well then just lay in a big stock of aspirin is all I can say.

So what is my winning strategy for the cover down part. It starts with a good lie. I’m talking about one that makes sure nobody thinks it is a lie. Yeah that is the really important element.

Some might call that an excuse, but not me. An excuse normally requires that it be somehow true. That’s because you have to be darn sure that it sounds possible.

With a lie, well that isn’t necessarily the case. It might be true, but most of the time it doesn’t matter as much. All that is important is that you make it seem like it is true.

In any event beyond the lying part there is also the element of who gets the rap if things don’t work out. That is almost as important as anything else.

I’m not talking rap music kind of rap either. I’m speaking of the poor jerk who bites the bullet when the ball gets drop and you don’t score a touch down. As long as it is somebody else I’m happy.

That way I can go back to the drawing board and plan out a new game plan. Oh I might have to go and visit the poor slob who took the rap for the last cover down, but that’s okay as long as the visiting hours as the jail don’t conflict with my other plans.

COVER THIS

I love the concept of cover-ups. Only providing nobody knows you are really hiding something. The trickiest part about trying to cover up a mess is being sure you do it well enough nobody can tell. That is the real important part and it means the difference between the times you end up looking like a saint or a demon.

I didn’t say I was either one. Well you should avoid talking to that one nut that sits outside city hall at times with a sign that accuses me of being the Antichrist. I’m grateful that in his case he uses a cardboard sign and has crossed out one person’s name to replace it with another.

All I can say is in his case his list of Antichrist candidates including a few fairly well known celebrities. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t worry about him too much. Besides the only time he ever shows up as I understand it is when he runs out of his meds.

Beyond him, however, I do manage to foster a nice illusion regarding my public image. It does take work, but I just consider it necessary to my functioning. Which also means being sure that I don’t allow any bungling to end up being charged to my credit or watch.

So part of a successful cover up is having an adequate number of patsies. That really helps. And it is very important that above all they be so gullible and naïve that they honestly think you ratting them out is a good thing.

I have worked very hard on that aspect. And I’m very happy to say I have managed to surround myself with more than my share of such personalities. It really isn’t as hard as it might seem when you consider we are talking about career bureaucrats. In my city they somehow almost go to school to study the art of being suckers.

Okay that might be a tad of an exaggeration, but not as much as you might assume. Nope, that is part of living in Mediocrity that I can say I do enjoy. It gives me a special joy just to know when the chips are down, I get to cash them in and let someone else pick up the tab.

So given that criteria the rest of the issue of cover ups involves denial. That amounts to being sure I also keep my newspaper pal well provided for. After all there is no successful cover up unless you are darn sure you got a friend who write the story so it says what you need it to say.

And when you have all those things going for you then you can avoid that other great means of cover up called denial. I do save that as a backup. It is just a problem because that requires me to remember all the lies I end up telling. There is no bigger way to unravel a mantle of cover up than a loose thread of fabrication.

You may quote me on that one. I didn’t say that I would admit it, just that you could quote me.

OVER THE WOODS AND THROUGH THE HEADACHE

Okay it’s confession time. I hate nature. That’s right when it comes to the idea of the great outdoors for me it is the great out-bores.

I’m sorry, but for me the very idea of doing something like going to the mountains and camping out over night is anything, but appealing. If I had my choice and I know that would be a disaster I would pave over all the forest and put in parking lots, factories and practical options.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I can enjoy looking at some mountain setting as much as the next person. It is just well, I would rather do it by looking at the picture instead of driving out to the mountains to see them in person.

Not that you probably care, but I’m going to share what brought me to such a nature epiphany. It all started when I was a kid and my mother decided to give me a solid foundation in terms of values by signing me up to be a boy scout. In my case it was too late to do any good since I already had decided to follow my grandfather’s model and devote myself to serving the public for as much graft a I could steal.

But to humor her I figured I would go to a couple of meetings and then later I could come up with some lame excuse for giving up altogether. Unfortunately I happen to get involve just before they were planning this big camping trip. So I ended up finding myself headed for the woods, nature and all the fun that it promised.

I wish it had been fun. However, that wasn’t exactly how I would describe the experience. It started with having this scoutmaster who was secretly a survivalist nut. I’m talking the kind of guy that things you can get by in the woods with just use of a piece of string and a paper clip. No, I’m not exaggerating either.

It was truly insane. Oh he tried to persuade us that was all you needed to catch dinner, fend off any wild animals and making sure you could start a fire.

Of course it was a disaster. We all came hope after two days, starving, having no sleep and a good case of poison ivy plus numerous insect bites.

The only good thing is that scoutmaster ended up going on vacation after that and never came back. I heard he ended up in a padded room where he could talk to all the imaginary animals he wanted.

At least my mother didn’t insist upon me continuing with that insanity. And ever since then I have found life fine and perfect without having to relive that less than glorious part of my life.

Ah, civilization, what are you going to do, but enjoy it. I know for me that will always be a better motto that back to nature. Unless I can rejoice when somebody else heads off to the woods so it leaves me to comfort his wife while he’s camping!

GIVE US THIS DAY

I’ve heard this too many times in relationship to the bible thumper crowd. They don’t play fair though. They always involve God. So you end up saying something about give us this day, but it is whatever the man upstairs decides is cool.

I guess it would be rather tacky to wish for something like “give us this day, a million bucks.” Or maybe you know something like “give us this day, the phone number of that cute chick I saw in the red convertible that passed me on the freeway.” Yeah you can bet you’ll never hear those kinds of give us this day from any bible thumper. I didn’t say they wouldn’t be thinking it, just that they are not going to say it!

But for the rest of us is it really bad to have such wishes? I mean I’m sure we think of them all the time so what’s wrong with saying so. Only when does that happen?

The one thing that isn’t going to happen is that it will be mentioned in some prayer. You can be sure if you think God is listening you aren’t going to wish for what you really want that might risk thunderbolts frying your underwear. Come on, let’s be honest about it, that is sort of the reason right?

Which is okay I guess. I suppose there is nothing wrong with pretending we have morals. Even if we never practice them. Not sure what the real benefit is, but I guess it helps to allow us to avoid admitting we are the creeps we really are!

Hmmm, now there is an idea. We could say a prayer to give us this day honesty. God is in favor of that right?

Although you do have to wonder if this would be a good idea. I mean can you imagine what would happen if people like me had to actually tell the truth? It could be a real disaster.

Gee, I wonder if just wishing to have God sort of look the other way for a while or maybe go off and spend time with some other universe would be a bad thing. It just seems like if we knew he was busy and not watching we could be more honest on our own and not have to add lying to our other terrible problems that give us those nasty bouts of guilt.

I reckon that isn’t going to happen. I suppose when you are talking about a supreme being who doesn’t have to take naps and is everywhere all the time it is a bit too much to expect for him to take a vacation. Plus I imagine he enjoys his work so that would complicate it too.

So in the meantime I reckon I’m stuck just mentioning the give us this day thing only at some breakfast where it is expected. And hopefully I don’t screw up and accidentally mention something embarrassing about the hot looking woman who is serving the food. That never leads to the kind of dessert I prefer. At least not as long as anyone, but who I want happens to hear it.

Here’s hoping you don’t have that problem either. And that maybe your give us this day is one you don’t have to lie about.

MY WAY

Yep, this is the best choice you can have. It means ultimate freedom, absolute control of all the facets of life and most of all peace of mind from knowing what happens is only what you want to have happen. That is a glorious feeling isn’t it?

However, the one thing I have learned is that for the most part this is illusion. People who speak of doing it my way in some other form are generally just kidding themselves. I don’t care who the person is we just have no way to control ever aspect of life. We can manage to control some of them, which is nice, but all, never.

Speaking for myself I love to accept this fact and then do everything I can to work around it. Including lying to myself, thank you very much! Oh yeah that is the best part when I don’t have to admit that I’m just a slave like the rest of the world.

So for the benefit of those who do feel a need to keep up this charade like I do, but don’t want it to be obvious I offer a few helpful hints. Maybe they will save your life some day or maybe you can just act like they did.

First of all avoid any situation where it might test your abilities. Knowing what you can and can not do is a real liability in terms of keeping up illusions. The more you can keep things vague the better off you are.

That means staying uninvolved in things as much as you can. Find some sucker to risk his body and reputation. The more power you have or position of authority you enjoy the easier this can be accomplished.

Then in addition I think it is important to avoid situations where you have to actually make choices. That really helps too. Choices carry consequences and who needs them? I don’t.

Again in my position this is so much easier since I can dump responsibilities off on other people. Only I never say it that way. For the greedy, I appeal to their ego by offering them a “promotion” that sticks them with a duty I don’t want.

With someone else who thinks I really care about them I can lie and pretend this is a reward. Boy it is amazing what people will do if they think you care about them.

Of course the whole idea in the end is doing all this crap so I can eventually have the joy of doing the stuff I really want to do my way. It is a game after all. One where I keep score for myself and also get to make up the rules.

The tricky part is making sure you don’t tell anyone they are even playing. If they knew they might actually want to make a few moves for themselves. And who needs that?

It is all about in the end having what I want when I want it, but making sure nobody is able to complain. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but my way means I don’t have to admit the losses.

NO WAY

Ah the impossible and wonderful it is when you can use it as an excuse. No way is that stop sign of hope and dreams. It is the spot where the road of possibility ends. Most important it is all in one’s mind more than reality.

I say that because the no way stop signs I hear come out of most people’s mouths is not based upon them actually taking a hard look at the surroundings or landscape. Instead it is what they image dwells beyond the horizon. Sort of like thinking that the world is flat and if you walk to far or dream to much you’ll fall off.

I know there are situations beyond one’s control. I also know that some things are truly impossible and no way they will ever happen. Like the idea some eighteen year-old gorgeous blonde gal who is also very rich is going to decide to keep me as her love slave. Yeah that kind of no way is not my imagination. Wish it were though at times.

The problem I have observed though is how often the no ways I hear come from people who pretty say it constantly about almost everything. In their case it is a road block to their highway of thinking and not reality. They just always will say no way regardless.

The result is they have no dreams or desires that will ever grow wings. It is like being imprisoned in a cell where the door is locked and you keep the key in your pocket. Yeah, we are talking about big time irony.

In my position I do have to balance at times when somebody is telling me a real no way and when they are just panicking. That happens a lot.

What is really tough is that as Mayor I have to inspire even when I don’t feel like it. I can afford the luxury of sitting back and finding a bunch of no ways for myself. That would be too much of a hassle if I have to inspire others and I’m doing the same thing.

There are some things I don’t mine being a hypocrite about. Like telling my staff to work hard while I’m walking out the door to goof off. My rule in that regard it illusion it important. What I get them to believe is more important than what I really do. That is a Limburger rule of survival that I live by. Yeah it sucks and is a double standard, but it works for me.

And if it works for me I live by it whether it is fair or sane. I just can’t allow my employees to do the same. Yep, it isn’t equitable. I never said it was.

In the meantime I do ferry out of my life all those little moments of no way as much as I can on the good ship lie to yourself. It is fun, it is exciting and most of all it keeps me from having to deal with the truth.

Any time I can do that I have a reason to smile. I just do waste my time telling others that is the reason I’m smiling!

ON CALL

This is one of those things that should be easy. Being on call is supposed to be having a pager or cell phone so you can be contacted, but you don’t have to be at the office.

We decided to start this concept at City Hall after some dummy decided that we ought to be available for answering questions from the citizens on the weekend. And unfortunately I was hungover during the council meeting when this was brought up. So instead of doing like I would have normally done and had it buried in a committee I said okay.

Well I can definitely say this is one idea that didn’t die soon enough. Oh it did have merit to some degree. I thought so at the time. It was a great way to impress the public that we cared.

It might have worked if they didn’t actually bother to call and find out we didn’t really give a crap. At least not at five am on Saturday morning or two am on Sunday morning.

When some clown bothers to call and wake me up to ask which form you fill out for a permit to burn trash at five am on Saturday morning it doesn’t make me a happy camper! I probably wouldn’t have coped better if they guy didn’t decide to tell me his life story in the process. Like I really cared.

I did finally recover from that intrusion when I got another call. This other moron wanted to know if you needed a license to house sit. Well duh! Like he needed us to tell him no.

That was the beginning of a very long weekend for me. And you can be sure that afterwards the last thing I planned on doing was to spend another weekend answering stupid questions on a cell phone early some Saturday morning.

However, before I could get the other council members to accept it as stupid I let each of them take turns being on call. And with the exception of that insipid do-gooder, Lance Allworthy who naturally didn’t get any calls the whole weekend, nobody else objected when I suggested we should discontinue the idea.

Fortunately there was no public outcry when we did stop the program. We did get a few calls during the week from people who wanted to ask question about weekend calls. But at least I didn’t have to deal with them.

So now, I do enjoy knowing my cell phone won’ be ringing at five am on Saturday for stupid questions. Providing you don’t count my nephew Neville. With him if he’s been out partying all night he could call at any time.

Only in his case the questions are normally stupid regardless of when he calls. But being family at least I don’t have to talk to him without telling him what I really think.