OVER THE WOODS AND THROUGH THE HEADACHE

Okay it’s confession time. I hate nature. That’s right when it comes to the idea of the great outdoors for me it is the great out-bores.

I’m sorry, but for me the very idea of doing something like going to the mountains and camping out over night is anything, but appealing. If I had my choice and I know that would be a disaster I would pave over all the forest and put in parking lots, factories and practical options.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I can enjoy looking at some mountain setting as much as the next person. It is just well, I would rather do it by looking at the picture instead of driving out to the mountains to see them in person.

Not that you probably care, but I’m going to share what brought me to such a nature epiphany. It all started when I was a kid and my mother decided to give me a solid foundation in terms of values by signing me up to be a boy scout. In my case it was too late to do any good since I already had decided to follow my grandfather’s model and devote myself to serving the public for as much graft a I could steal.

But to humor her I figured I would go to a couple of meetings and then later I could come up with some lame excuse for giving up altogether. Unfortunately I happen to get involve just before they were planning this big camping trip. So I ended up finding myself headed for the woods, nature and all the fun that it promised.

I wish it had been fun. However, that wasn’t exactly how I would describe the experience. It started with having this scoutmaster who was secretly a survivalist nut. I’m talking the kind of guy that things you can get by in the woods with just use of a piece of string and a paper clip. No, I’m not exaggerating either.

It was truly insane. Oh he tried to persuade us that was all you needed to catch dinner, fend off any wild animals and making sure you could start a fire.

Of course it was a disaster. We all came hope after two days, starving, having no sleep and a good case of poison ivy plus numerous insect bites.

The only good thing is that scoutmaster ended up going on vacation after that and never came back. I heard he ended up in a padded room where he could talk to all the imaginary animals he wanted.

At least my mother didn’t insist upon me continuing with that insanity. And ever since then I have found life fine and perfect without having to relive that less than glorious part of my life.

Ah, civilization, what are you going to do, but enjoy it. I know for me that will always be a better motto that back to nature. Unless I can rejoice when somebody else heads off to the woods so it leaves me to comfort his wife while he’s camping!