HIGHLIGHTS

This is an outline for scandal or good news. My interpretation of course. Essentially the highlights should be the most important part of a good story. And in some cases a life can have highlights too.

The problem is when there are only enough important aspects to something to make it have highlights, but the rest of the story is completely boring. It is like the advertising trailers from some movies. They make the movie look very appealing. But when you get passed the two minute commercial you end up in the actual movie with 88 minutes of yawns.

However if they didn’t show the highlights you would probably not go and see the movie, which is the whole idea isn’t it? Which is the point, it works!

Yep, I like the idea from that point of view. And I apply it to my political philosophy. I regard my political campaigns (along with my ensuing promises) to be the highlights. They are the best you are going to get from me.

Would I tell anyone that? Are you kidding? I’m not that stupid! Nope, it is I shall this and I shall that when elected. Only the key to that is I never say “which election.”

Okay that is a dodge. A mighty fine one from my point of view too! It is just too bad that more people don’t have a more cooperative and understanding attitude about the whole highlight thing in terms of politics.

Some of them actually get so absurd they think I ought to honestly DO something after I’m elected. Oh I plan on it. Why I ever give it serious thought. Not enough to do anything of course, I’m not that fanatic about it. Just enough to ease my conscious you understand.

So in the meantime I do have to contend with figuring out while in office to produce some highlights. Funny thing about people, they just have this silly attitude they won’t take my word for the fact that I’m working when I’m working. Or at least giving the illusion of working.

That part I consider to the be there fault. If they didn’t insist upon clinging to some silly idea of me really doing anything they I would have to work so hard and come up with more lies about more highlights other than at election time.

However it is just like with show business I guess. Which is that other great stage of play acting outside of politics. The show must go on as they say.

That is what I do then. I make sure the show goes on. And on and on and on. Over and over again with just the occasionally rewrite to a very worn out and stale script. Thank god I don’t have to pay for a ghost writer. Plagiarism is so much cheaper and you don’t have to mess with success.

BEST, BETTER AND SO-SO

I love making comparisons. It is only for one reason. For me it is about deciding who is better or best, myself or some other working slob. Naturally, I use my own standard for grading such things. And you can be pretty darn sure that with me that will translate into anyone I think is remotely better than me ending up having flaws I can decide make them worse.

You can call that being picky or silly, but it works for me. That is what I consider as important.

Well, beyond playing this game for obvious reasons (so I can feel better about being a dismal failure) there is the issue of dealing with the so-so people. They really don’t have to be classified in terms of describing their flaws. That’s because they manage that all by themselves without my help.

So all I have to do with them is see them as they are. Which I try not to dwell upon since let me tell you if I did it would be even more depressing.

This is kind of two edge sword. See on the one hand I have to worry about the better people because they can compete with my illusion of greatness. But then a few observations can fix all that most of them till they are really inferior, at least in my opinion. So I have to tolerate their being a threat in order to feel something in terms of my own essence.

That is probably confusing, but what it means is the lukewarm people are really more of a pain in the butt to deal with since you just can’t complain about them as a threat. They are basically too pathetic to be any threat.

Which translates into the pain of knowing I look pathetic if I try to rag on them in order to look superior. And if they scumsucking, lazy, barely function creeps play their cards right it really looks bad.

In fact if they know how to whine just right it is even worse. Because then they end up with looking sympathetic as well as apathetic.

It is like kicking a handicapped person. The person might be a jerk and I’m not saying disabled people are, but let’s say this one person is. You can respond like you would to a regular person because they have a special problem. And that means they can get away with stuff somebody else can’t.

What does all that come down too? Headaches frankly. How can I cheat if it ends up looking obvious?

My only solution when I need a little feeling of being superior is to hide from the lukewarm folks. If they aren’t around I’m safe to pretend my lies aren’t really lies and let me tell you that can make a difference when you make up the rules as you go along.

A ROUND OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

If this happens without it being contrived it can really be electrifying. And even when it is forced in some way if we don’t know it we can still think it is great.

Applause is by itself it one of those traditions that we can do out of politeness or honest appreciation. I’m not sure whether it matters in that sense if it deserved, it is just something we do in so many occasions such as when somebody gives a graduation speech. The speech might have sucked, but you won’t be able to tell from the clapping of hands.

I’ve been pondering the hypocrisy of such behavior. We’ll applaud some event or person out of politeness for giving a speech, but in other situations we won’t hesitate to verbally trash them. Does this really make much sense? I doubt it would to someone visiting who didn’t know our customs either.

I think the message that would end up being communicated is how if you express you appreciation with you hands it is a positive thing. However, if you do it with your lips, it doesn’t have to be so.

Is that somehow supposed to convey the idea that the lips are more fickle than the hands? Or simply that we can talk to another person and say what we want or really think whereas if we clap it is generally in a crowd. I don’t know about you, but I have feeling if we saw somebody standing around and clapping alone we wouldn’t think the person was necessarily sane.

So what that all comes down to me is that words are more inclined to say what we really think than our hands. I didn’t say it was necessarily a good thing, merely that it seems to be the nature of our behavior.

What does that all mean, we are basically a bunch of backstabbing, lying, two-faced jerks who love to look good. Sound kind of harsh. It might be if I was attempting to ridicule the process.

Instead I want to celebrate it. Yep, we could worry about how it all is dumb and stupid and contradictory. We could stop and change our ways.

But nope that just isn’t our style. It just won’t fit into our love of having a good time and letting our traditions roll along without explanation. And regardless of what happens, no matter how often somebody points out the insanity of it all, we continue to clap and gossip.

All I can say, is keep it up folks. As long as there are people with hands. As long the tongue still exists in the head then we can expect to rejoice that we don’t have to make what we do actually make any sense.

That for me as a politician is what I consider as a form of job security. I can live with that whether using my hands or tongue.

DO UNTO

I’ve really heard all the slants on this idea that I ever care to hear. The idea is basically if you are rotten to people they will be rotten back and if you are nice to them they will be nice back.

Personally, while that is a lovely thought, I think in reality it doesn’t work that way. That’s because there are too many greed slimes out there that if you are nice to them they will treat it as a weakness and try to rip you off. Call it being cynical if you want, but let me tell you that has sure been my experience.

I wish the other side of the coin really did exist more often. I have to admit it would be wonderful to look forward to having somebody be nice in return to me being nice.

However, what actually happens too often is that I get only motivate to be nice to someone when I’m hoping it will end with me getting some benefit. And knowing that is how I think I see others and acting that way for the same reason.

You can talk all day about the Good Samaritan type of person. I do wonder if this is myth at times. No offense intended to the story, but is there really somebody out there that will help strangers and not have a price tag otherwise?

I won’t say it can’t happen. I’m sure it can. It just never happens to me. I’ve come close a few times, but in the end the person always wants something.

What I would like to consider then is turning this into a more practical approach. Let’s put a price tag on good deeds. We can publish a catalogue and agree upon a fee for each helpful act.

That way it would eliminate the need to wonder about what the cost was for whatever. You could look it up.

Of course for this to really work we couldn’t let it be taxable. I see no reason to let the government get a piece of this action.

Honestly, wouldn’t that really be the best option? I truly think it has potential. Imagine how it would simplify things?

Why I bet we could even turn it into a business for some people. Yeah that would be truly a plus. Hmmm, professional charity do-gooder. I like the sound of it.

We might have to work out a decent type of retirement program. But I’m sure that wouldn’t be impossible would it?

Once again, Mayor Rash unveils and innovative and practical guideline for an area of life not yet truly regulated or organized. Now all I got to do is figure out how I can get that catalogue in print.

REACH OUT AND,,,

The Limburger version of this does not involve a phone or simple touching. This is stress relief for dealing with morons! So for me it is about (mentally at least) reaching out and strangling someone.

I do sometimes wish I could get the boys who write the laws to make amendment on the one about justifiable homicide to include doing it to somebody who is utterly stupid. But then in our society and especially where I live that would end with bodies all over the place.

Why is it that you can break a regular law such as robbing or stealing and get punished, but if you steal and rob me of my time by being stupid that is okay? I think it is a crime too, but nobody ever gets convicted of it.

It is as they say, “to dream.” And trust me where I live and the people I have to deal with that is definitely something I dream about a lot.

In some situations I have even gone so far as to imagine reaching out and touching someone with a few ounces of lead. I can see it now. First we offer them a discount to something. It doesn’t matter what since as long as they hear the word discount or free they rush to take advantage.

So I leave a trail of discount coupons on the floor that lead to the back of a moving van. Then all I have to do is wait for them to climb inside.

Afterwards we close the back door. I would probably hook up a television inside with some stupid DVD since that would keep them from noticing they had been trapped.

Then we haul their butts out to the woods. After unlocking the back and telling them there is a store behind some tree we get our guns and have a hunting event.

Later, much later, as I sit in my office and have visitor I can point to the head of the moron I bagged with my gun that is hanging on the wall. Then I can regale him with how the dude looked like a deer in the headlights of car just before he gets run over when I had him in my gun scope.

Ah what a shame we live in a time when freedom has to be extended to those who don’t deserve it. But then I guess stupidity will always be regarded as legal.

Which has also kept me from having any city sponsored skeet shoots. I personally think it would be a great idea to have the clowns I consider a pain in the ass be the ones standing in front and toss the plates in the air for us to shoot. Okay so maybe we would accidentally miss on purpose. We could have a few beers and enjoy the whole event.

Maybe some day I’ll find a place where my version of reaching out will be considered okay. Till then at least I can write about it.

STAYING AHEAD OF THE GAME

Lots of luck on this one! The only way to honestly do this in some cases is to cheat! Or at least learn to be a very creative liar.

But we do talk about it anyway. It makes for one of my more popular speeches that I have to give at council meetings or wherever. People just love to hear are we are smarter and more astute that everyone else. Progressive works in their too. As does the word, visionary.

All of which sets the stage for a play of anticipation. It is fantasy naturally, but no one admits it.

The problem where I live and as Mayor is essentially one of denial. People really don’t want to know the truth. They probably wouldn’t even live in my city if they wanted real progress.

That is because of a variety of reasons. For one thing, most of the citizens don’t even care about what goes on. If they did, they wouldn’t keep elected a completely incompetent leader and devout crook such as myself to office. It is just a case of my having managed to dole out more crap than the rest which helps to get me elected.

Another problem is that they won’t go for any major renovations that might actually improve our city if it means it will cost them anything. Good enough is not a way of staying ahead of the game in my book.

So we are trapped in this “don’t bother me zone” of involvement and commitment. Yet nobody wants to admit it.

Thus we have to maintain the illusion of being visionary and in theory “ahead” of the game, which we never really are. And I get the joy of talking about it.

There are moments naturally when we simply have to do the “progress” thing. That means stuff like you know having ceremony to celebrate some new building being finished.

Of course we never bother to spend time with them facing the fact that any “new” building in our city is normally an old building being given a facelift. That is one tidbit of detail we don’t bother to go into detail about.

I guess you could say then that in my city the real joy of “staying ahead of the game” is in the lying department. We are really good and pretending.

So perhaps it is a matter of staying ahead of time as a game. Oh you never really win in that game, but if you lie well enough then nobody notices the score!

It works for me. Plus gives me lots of practice with speeches that are often simply a rewrite of what I said last year and too many before that.

GETTING EVEN

Who doesn’t like this? Forget the idea of forgiveness. I only say that because from my experience people aren’t honestly forgiving. Which is probably why it gets mentioned so much.

As for me, well I gave up on that idea years ago. Mainly because I couldn’t manage to stop thinking of ways to get even.

The big problem for me was getting even without risking somebody trying to get even back. That can be the tricky part. There is no point in getting even if it only lasts long enough for the other jerk to plot an even worse form of revenge. Then you have to do the same and then he does the same and before you know it you got a war and nobody wins.

For me the tough part is plotting a way to get even that cripples my opponent so he can never try to get even, but also so even if he could, he wouldn’t since he didn’t know you cause the revenge. Now doing that without ending up by looking like some wimp who people can walk all over is even a greater challenge.

But believe me in my line of work as a politician I really have to be creative in that regard. I just consider it as good practice.

So I have always tried to let my mind have dominion over my emotions in this type of situation. I fight to set aside my ego and do what I can to approach the subject from a rational point of view.

Now admittedly that is never easy. I’m human enough to accept that my weakness often gets the best of me. However, it doesn’t keep me from trying.

Basically the key to success in this type of situation is understanding the things that dominate my opponent’s life. Then you can find out what they really can’t life without.

Most of us are stupid in that regard. We think we are so clever and able to hide such desires. Which is why we never in any way protect those little aspects of life.

It becomes an issue of sorting out what will bring the most grief. Then plotting it out carefully and slowly till you got all the details clear. Afterwards you put the strategy in play and let the dominoes fall as they will.

When I’m successful, I can sit back with a small smile of victory over getting even in a good way. But there are the failures. For them I sometimes resort to cheating. However I am not at liberty to tell all the facts about that aspect. After all keeping secrets is part of the cornerstone of planning any real functional house of getting even. Which sometimes you have to keep reminding yourself when deep down you know your plan is a few bricks short of a full load.

THE ALMOST BETTER HALF

Somewhere this has become almost a household word. The presumption being you are a jerk and lucked out and married someone who was so dumbstruck with love that she would marry a slug like you. Oh yeah that is inspiring isn’t it?

What I want to know and maybe it is just me, but this seems primarily focused on implying women are the better half. According to what law?

I’m sure it is one of those laws that isn’t written down anywhere, but if you violate it you can know with absolute certainty you’re going to get punishment. And not by the regular court either. More like the one where you wife is the judge, jury and executioner and she’s sitting there with visions of castration inspiring her big smile.

Still despite this silliness, the reality goes on that this notion of the better half still exists and isn’t going to go away any time soon. Heck, it will never go away.

So that means we get stuck being revered as a Simian clone with no class who are only blessed to even live indoors as long as there is a female keeper to be sure we are house broken. Which is another fun term. Regardless of the facts and what it should mean, the reality is that for us guys it means the wife gets the house and we get broken with debt. My interpretation admittedly.

Okay so life goes on. Boy don’t I wish there was a way of changing that to where it could go on with a few more smiles. Oh yeah I would vote for that if any one was having an election. Lots of luck in that department.

Alright, so you might ask I suppose if I know the fix is in and we’ll never ascend beyond the phase of being viewed as knuckle dragging Neanderthals lacking the brain cells to do more than fetch, why bother to depress everyone by posting it.

It is probably because of that old saying about how misery loves company. And I figure that some things are truly worth sharing, this tidbit being one of them.

Now if by chance you are one of the ones that says, “Hey, I not going to take this lying down,” then I say go for it. Yep knock yourself out.

When you getting done flexing your testosterone and patting yourself on the back for proving your no wimp at least in your mind the rest of us slugs will still be here. And don’t worry I won’t bring it up. I figure us less that better halves need all the encouragement we can get.

Yep, life can be so interesting at times. This might not be one of them, but perhaps by hopefully giving out a snicker or two I can keep us from the need to lie about it as much.

That is definitely better than looking in the mirror for some of us. Hopefully, we can enjoy it in some way if we think up enough excuses.

HALF AND HALF

Other than as a form of creamery product you would use in coffee there aren’t too many places I imagine this phrase get used. But leave it to me to devote myself to thinking ot a way to weave it into daily life and my blog.

Where I’m inclined to go with this is the idea of compromise. Yes, compromise. For when we are speaking of half and half we are dealing with a blend to two items with neither being regarded as more important than the other. Basically a wondrous type of harmony ensues. Maybe I’m the only one who sees it that way, but I do feel it has merit.

Ah, you may ask, is this really important? And I say absolutely. Why? Because I think in its own subtle way it speaks to the concept of hope.

Yes, I say hope. The reason I say hope is that I feel it displays in a small way how we are capable of achieving a degree of balance and harmony in life. Oh with a creamery product that is half milk and half cream you might claim this is being silly, but is it really.

It is just a matter of perspective frankly. True, not everyone drinks coffee or uses half and half, but would it exist if a few balanced minds didn’t have the simple sanity to accept such a compromise without insisting only on cream?

I just think it is matter of degrees. We can achieve a respectful degree of equity if we simply extend out thoughts beyond the obvious. We can extend our hearts and souls to a greater plateau of reality where we truly savor a more enlightened path of consciousness.

Then we can rise above the pettiness of self and see ourselves, but a part of the whole, which is mankind. This can grant us the favor of progress without strife and the more universal embrace quintessence of real values.

See and you thought it was just about some creamery product. It just goes to show how life can transcend what we take for granted if we can, but elevate ourselves to such aspirations.

It also shows what an adequate enough amount of verbal manure can do to take any stupid premise and make it sound almost like it makes sense. That dear readers it the real gem in this mound of fertilizer.

Here’s hoping you can smile and rejoice over the simply fact that we can smile through it all. Which makes the harmony of satire and not taking ourselves too serious the best type of half and half there is.

Cheers! No leers and if we all can’t find a way to prevent the need to make more of life than it is, we can pass the beers!

HALF EMPTY

I suppose in some ways I could say “ditto” to my last posting when dealing with the half empty people. But I don’t know, the half empty folks never are as prone to get in your face as that half full ones.

It is more like, “well, I barely have a half empty glass, so maybe if I don’t say anything then no one will jump my case over it and I won’t lose what I do have.” That works form because they are more likely to keep their mouths shut and just suffer. Which means I don’t have to listen to it and that is good news for me.

Unfortunately for me there are always the few half empty types that do have a need to whine. They will never shut up. When I face those types what I do is quickly look for a half full kind of person so I can have them get into the face of the whiners.

Then I can sit back and listen without having to get involved in the conversation. It feels great and I don’t have to worry about the half empty guy bothering me for a while.

What I think bothers me the most is having to even cope with this whole subject in the first place. I mean can’t these people get a real life and stop obsessing about glasses of some kind of liquid.

Which brings me to pivotal aspect for me above all else. What the heck do these people think is in this glass anyway? It is suppose to be liquid gold? The way some get so concerned on the subject you can help wondering to some degree. At least I do.

Now perhaps if I could find a way to substitute something for a glass it might help. Say for example brains. Having half a brain could be interesting. Whether you were waiting for more brains or just trying to hold onto the few you had, it would be safe to say that would at the very least a way to excuse you failures.

That would be so much more helpful than the glass thing. With the glass issue you don’t get any justification for what you do. You just get either applauded for being a optimist or criticized for being a pessimists.

Whereas if this thing was related to brains then you could have a joyous occasion to say, “Well I can’t really do better because I have brains on back order and they haven’t arrived yet. But rest assured as soon as they do arrive I plan on putting them too good use. Providing they aren’t defective in some way. Then I can only hope they are under warranty. So in the meantime I do hope you will make allowance for my half a brain, which may or may not be half empty or full as the need applies.”

Yep, it truly sounds like such a wonderfully blessed alternative to the glass thing. All I have to do is convince all the other people I know that it would work.

For those that won’t go along, you can keep harping on the glass thing if you want. The rest of us will simply enjoy savoring the booze an not worry about how much there is.

HALF FULL

I love the way the optimists camp out on this being so important. Okay, let’s go through the motions of attitude “corrections.” The half full syndrome is the implication that you have confidence you will refill the glass eventually. Ergo, you don’t have something half empty since you intend to someday add to the amount. Or you are suggesting that you may simply not want to grieve over what is gone. Instead you want to celebrate what is left.

I say get over it people! It is a stupid glass that only has part of it filled, period. And saying or implying your life, your future, your very worth are somehow tied to how much fluid is in a dumb glass is STUPID!

Yeah, you heard my right. It is stupid. I say that because it is stupid. Totally moronic. My opinion of course.

Why do I say that? Because I get sick and tired of some jerk implying my future is tied to this glass thing. Frankly while the guy is standing around and pontificating over the glass and its symbolism, I’m going to reach over and drink it!

Then he can talk all he wants about half full or half empty. In either case, my stomach feels pretty darn satisfied in the process.

Okay that is my view. But I am sorry, it seems to me that we have far more self-appointed sages on this subject than we need. I think a few of them out to retire and take up being bartenders. Then they could fret over glasses all the want and leave the rest of us alone!

I’d like to see them try that half-full, half-empty crap on some drunk dude with a “born to kill” tattoo on his huge bicep. By the time he gets through with them I think worrying about how much liquid there is in a glass will be the least of their problems.

Now have I said enough? I doubt it will help the people who get their jollies rambling on this subject. I take that as a sign they seriously need therapy.

As for me, heck I’m just happy to spend my time drinking. You can spend all the time you want bickering over how much liquid you have.

If that is you’re thing, go for it. Just don’t do it around me. Honestly, I just don’t want to know so don’t tell me.

And if you have to impress somebody with your stupid and boring attempts as insight, then by all means please do it in front of a mirror where the rest of us don’t have to hear about it. That would be the best insight you could have.

Meanwhile all this talk about drinking has made me thirsty. So I’m headed for a bar. And the only time I care if the glass is half-full is when it means I need a refill!

SPEAK AND SEEK

Now to me there is a BIG difference between these two. But so often with politics they seem to get mixed together. That’s because you know most political speeches are con jobs and you just can have a decent con job that isn’t dripping with confidence. It’s lies with a nice twist to get you all jazzed into buying the crap being peddled.

So to accomplish there convincingly you need to include some kind of vision for change. Visions are a big thing in the politics business. Most people have lies that really suck so you need a vision or to of seeking something good that can happen if. The “if” part is the important one because that’s the pile of manure you want to believe is going to end with some really cool roses “if.”

See that is “if” some lazy bastard actually plants the roses. Then a second lazy bastard is willing to spread the manure over the seeds. Afterwards a third even fatter lazy bastard is prepared to get off his butt and water the whole mess.

Once all those clowns are done perhaps the pile of manure will actually have done some good. But see all the “ifs” you have to mess with in the process.

The speaking part of politics is linked to the seeking part without bothering to include all the “ifs.” We just take you from speak to seek and forget the manure in between. You can smell it, hate it, let it bring tears to your eyes, but just keeping thinking roses, okay?

In reality nobody can forget the smell. That’s because it really does stink big time. And the bigger problem is why there is such a difference between speak and seek.

It is because of all the fat lazy bastards you have depend upon in between to make the seeking part really happen. Those you never mention in you speeches. That would bring the link between speak and seek. And if you do that then nobody will ignore the stink of that pile of impossible manure you can’t get rid of and are too lazy to do anything about.

For myself, I love this nonsense. It is great. I can do all the speaking and talk about all the seeking and never actually do any of the ifs in between. That is the fun of being the politician. I can have some other poor dumb slob of a helper get stuck shoveling that pile of manure.

But some will always expect you to take this whole process serious. They will stock up on a car load of air freshener and keep spraying it long enough so you can tell the smell is there. At least while they are peddling their line of bull. When that is done, the wind changes and they are off to the next speak and could care less if you actually get any changes.

It is a wonderful game. I love it because I can keep score anyway I want and never worry about losing. The losing part happens to the voter.

PARTNERS

For me partners are those you have in some relationship where you can function by yourself or find some benefit in having another person involved. One can think of a marriage as a partnership. Although I’m not sure they necessarily always work the way they are supposed to.

As for business, well I guess that is the most common area when speaking of partnerships. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they don’t.

Still, the one thing that I observe about partnerships is that somebody is going to end up in charge, somebody is going to get the shaft. Yep, that’s what I said, I feel that in a partners it is never equal.

My paragon of such principle is with big corporations and the government. When some big corporation decides to be a “partner” in a community you can be sure they aren’t doing it because they want to sit on their board. Nope, they want you to accept them coming into their community and giving the illusions of caring for publicity purposes. They may do some good, if it serves their needs, but it really isn’t the reason even if they claim it is. My slant you understand. And I’m not complaining. I think it is great. It is just one sided that’s all and I like that part.

As for the government. Being a partner with other governments is a big deal in their eyes it seems. However, let’s be realistic with our government the philosophy of partnerships in that regard is they give, you take and then you also accept them basically owning your soul. Again my view. And one that wishes to salute that kind of wonderful application of the term partner.

Let’s be realistic. The idea of a true partnership where both individual is an equal in the relationship is from my view more a myth than reality. It is a wonderful sentiment, but I just wish the ideal wasn’t something we insist upon treating as truth. That is an approach that screams failure if you ask me.

I do like the idea of partnerships in terms of alliances. And as long as one respects the basic tenuous nature of them. If you accept they never last and are never equal they are great. If you get your shorts in an uproar over the fact that something that was never equal turns out to fail, they I say celebrate your stupidity!

Which is why I focus on a more practical guide to partnerships. I accept being involved with somebody and we agree on a financial pack. But I never assume if the person ends up with a shot at a better deal they won’t sell me out in a heartbeat. Yep, I believe in loyalty. It is a word in the dictionary. Just from my view that is where it pretty much stops in terms of partnerships.

I know that sounds real pessimistic. Only if you give in to thinking a partnership can never work. Me, I think they can work. I just prefer to wear a bullet proof vest of some kind of protection on both my front and back to deal with those who want to say one thing and then ambush you or stab you in the back. Yep, it is fun.

THAT SPECIAL LITTLE GIFT

I love the moments when you get nice surprises from one source or another. It is so much fun. Only it would be nice if the surprises always conformed to one’s idea of being a good surprise. That doesn’t always happen.

Somebody once talked about how it more important to remember the spirit in which a gift was given than to consider the gift itself. Or something along those lines. Anyway the idea is supposed to be that you should be happy when somebody does something to be nice for you.

I wish I was capable of always enjoying such situations, but I’m not. There are occasions when somebody surprises me with a special gift and it just makes me groan.

That might not be the case is some of the people surrounding had any class, but they don’t. I’m sorry, but if somebody brings me a cookbook for spicy road kill creations, I don’t jump up and down for joy. You might snicker and think I’m making that up, but trust me I’m not.

I realize that you have no way of knowing that for sure, but trust me it has happen. I never asked where you even find that kind of a publication, but you can be sure I never bother to ask either!

So I sit and try to remind myself when one of my employees decides to bring me some stuffed raccoon that is moth eaten and smells moldy that they were trying to be thoughtful. I have no idea what kind of thought it was suppose to be, but it was a thought.

And having said all of that let me also say that I have done my best to try avoid such errors in judgment myself. Okay, the main way is by not giving out special gifts. That always helps.

However, I do confess that there are times when insanity takes over and then I end up deciding to give in to the pressure to surprise somebody with a special gift. One does have to make allowances for things like birthdays naturally. I do try to be gone from the office conveniently when some of my employees have their birthdays. It just is a good thing that I am able to give them I O U’s and excuse my actions as a lapse of memory.

That computer program I use to keep track of all the lies I tell in that regard has been worth every penny I’m spent on it. Of course if I had you know not squandered so much on the program I might have had enough to get all those gifts that I liked about forgetting.

But then that would be more time consuming since it would involve shopping and risking getting a bad gift. Love may never mean you have to say I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work for bosses!

LET US PREY

Oh yeah, this is great fun. All the thinking about it, dreaming about it and then the actual hunt — ah, you just can’t get that type of entertainment every where.

There are some clowns out there who honestly think there is a bigger thrill to being some humanitarian. I won’t say that is isn’t a good thing, but I would like to point out we have no word in our language for an “animalitarian.” Think about it, animals hardly sit around giving speeches and fretting over the economy. Nor do they have fun raises, taxes or I suppose I should say “ahem” politicians either.

What is my point? Have you ever been overly concerned about a homeless penguin? I haven’t. Now penguins are cute in their own way, but I never lose any sleep fretting how they get by. Frankly I never give any thought to that with any animal.

Yet, despite this fact and I’m sure I’m not alone, animals do manage to survive. Well except for the ones that decide to play tag on the freeway with some car. Those aren’t too smart.

I realize they don’t all survive. But would we really want to have to spend time or money funding some rest home for old baboons and goats? Not me.

Nature has its own solution then to the whole issue of taking care of the animal kingdom. It is called survival of the fitness. Or perhaps the leanest or meanest too. In any case, predators rule! Yep, that is the way I view it.

So I figure that in life for humans it is also the predators that rule. And I would rather be the one doing the hunting than the one who ends up dinner. Call it a silly preference, but then it just works so much better from my point of view than being on some predator’s plate.

The big problem for me is that I am a devout couch potato to some degree. Oh I can hold my stomach in when I need to give a speech on something like fitness. But then those are normally for me very short speeches.

So how do I end up a good predator when I’m out of shape? Easy, I rent a predator. The real goons who are in shape normally have their price. So I just make sure I promise then anything to have the do my hunting. And if I work it right then I manage to find an even bigger and meaner predator to deal with them when the time comes.

Of course you can’t always find a bigger predator. In those cases the big trick is knowing where to hide till I can figure out a good trap to catch them. And of course you need decent bait, preferably a female about eighteen and blonde. Then make great bait. As long as you don’t let them get caught. Otherwise you can enjoy their offering yourself once you’ve sprung your trap.

Ah, it is all the wonderful joy of let us prey. And I’m always in a preying mood.

ALL IN YOUR HEAD

This to me is something people say when they don’t want to admit that you have a legitimate complaint. They try to convince you that your view or impression of a problem is valid. So saying it is all in your head makes it sounds like you are dumb and stupid and then they don’t have to accept that you have a problem that merits some thought.

Personally, I know there have been times when I have used the same approach with some people I know. However, in all fairness, with some of the people in my life it really is all in their head. I do have way too many individuals in my circle of life that are honestly way beyond the point of what could be called sane.

I’m only grateful that they can function at all at times. It doesn’t make me happy when they come to me though to vent on some totally insane issue. Or perhaps you might think that my feeling that someone who claims a plant is a god is being intolerant on my part.

I don’t think I would care if the person had some crazy ideas. But they always seem obsessed with telling me. As if I really enjoy knowing the details on why some lunatic things a race of tiny aliens race is using his socks to plot the destruction of the known world.

All I can ask is what would you do in such a situation? What I did was listen. I have to confess that I was tempted to call for the guys with the nets and passes to the places with padded walls. But the problem is that if I did that it would be a hard habit to stop once I started. And with all the people I have to deal with that fall under the category of living in a different world believe me that is one habit I can’t afford to practice.

I only wish I had a ghost of a chance to persuade more people that too many times things really are in their head. That doesn’t happen though. It is more like, “What do you mean it is only in my head. Those dancing mushrooms stealing my coffee who come from the planet, Snotsgravy are REAL!” Yeah, believe it or not that has happened to me.

So I’ve learned to cope. That is what I call it when I sigh after the conversation of questionable sanity and pray I don’t have to endure it another time with the same person.

The major problem I face is that too many of those conversations ends up infecting my own sense of reason. That can lead to me ending up thinking in the same terms to some degree and telling others some of the things I would think was stupid or insane.

I wish I could say I was able to know when I was teetering on the edge of such moments in thought. But too often the just end up sneaking up on my brain and coming out of my mouth. Then I have one of those “oops” moments when I truly can’t believe I actually said what came out of my mouth. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could explain it was because of something I was told. However, when people roll their eyes you know they are deaf to anything else you have to say.

THE SPACE SHUTTLE

Anyone who thinks that I’m going to discuss the NASA version of this probably hasn’t read my blog before. I don’t see much value in talking on a subject that I’ll never be involved with in any way.

My kind of space shuttle is the one that has to do with trying to shuttle around crap at city hall so we can create more space. And let me tell you this can definitely be a challenge at times.

That’s because I happen to work with the biggest collection of hopeless pack rats on the planet. Oh you might know a few who could compete for the title no doubt, but I still feel I have some real contenders on my payroll.

I do accept the reality that to a certain degree the very nature of bureaucracy is such that it is only normal to have plenty of red tape and that always leads to lots of paper work. So I do tolerate the fact this means plenty of file cabinets and plenty of files to fill them.

Still, the thing is that sooner or later some of that paperwork does outlive is value. I’m not speaking about critical items such as birth and death records. There are a number of documents you can never discard. But we do try to conserve space by putting them on microfilm or in a computer data base.

What I take issue with is the insipid addiction some of my employees have for wanting to preserve such items as old newspapers, memos and even flyers. I’m telling you do we really need to save a memo regarding a holiday from 1982? I hardly think so.

Now perhaps it is a tribute to the folks that they have maintained files by year and alphabetically within a month folder. That is being organized.

However, I fail to see the likelihood that I will have occasion to need to know when in the year 1972 that we ordered toilet paper. I’m not that curious personally.

But try convincing some of the help that is not important. You would think I was daring to suggest we rid out city hall of something sacred.

So from time to time I wage the war to purge our city hall of useless data. Oh, I didn’t say it was easy. Nope, it is more like I toss out an idea and they give me excuses for why these folders have to stay where they are.

Eventually it becomes a matter of compromise. I suggest tossing things, they counter with reason not to. Then I have to engage in bartering.

What this amounts to is my offering them the chance to save new crap in replace of old crap. It is the only cure I’ve found that works. It doesn’t necessarily get rid of all the papers. But at least it isn’t as outdated.

ALL THAT IS KNOWN

Well, I got to say this is one of the stupidest comments you can make. Oh we still make it at times I suppose, but it doesn’t make it any less stupid in my book.

In the first place what is being said with this? All that is known by whom? After all it isn’t all that is possible to know. Just all one can possibly know within the limits of our own frame of reference.

Now you might even ask why I’m making a big deal of this. It is probably because I’ve heard it too often where I live.

Not that I mind living in Mediocrity most of the time, but we aren’t talking about the World capital for the informed in my city.

Which is fine with me since if the voters were more informed I might be in big trouble. And in some ways there is a certain joy in living somewhere that there is live in your neighborhood and then the rest of the world.

Um patriotism you understand does exist. It is only more of theory when it extends beyond the Fourth of July in one of the our parks where they are having a barbecue.

That isn’t to say we don’t have young men how enlist in the military. But if they do bother to come back to Mediocrity they sort of understand that what they saw outside the city limits is better left there.

So in my town all that is know is a very, very small tidbit of knowledge. It never extends to the state, federal government or world.

Oh we do have several magazines in our libraries that do offer you a chance to gawk at the world beyond our city. I’ve never personally looked at them. But I hear they have some wonderful pictures.

We do have folks that go on vacations. Some even take pictures. But the abiding attitude it these represent a different world that isn’t reality like in Mediocrity. Yes, I’m serious.

However, I have learned to celebrate such departures from the kind of all that is known that might count where people had a reason to worry about the world. There is a definite plus to acknowledge there might be fact worth knowing other than our fly spec of the world.

We just refuse to allow such details intrude enough on our reality to give us much reason to worry about it. If ignorance is bliss then, I guess in Mediocrity we have more bliss than just about anywhere else you might travel. And that is all that needs to be known in our city. At least it works for us regardless of how somebody else might think about it. You just got to love the devotion to not thinking. It works for me.

DRONES

Ah this is every boss’s perfect dream. Well the honest ones. We can never have enough drones. Those are the mindless, utterly obedient types who will do exactly what we want. And believe me that is hard to come by in this day and age.

There are too many darn people that want rights and decent pay and too many other annoying demands that make hiring people so difficult. I love the joy of daydreaming about the good old days when serfs were still popular.

You might notice that I skipped over the slavery bit. That to me was too obvious. I mean I want to be greedy and abuse my fellow man, but I just don’t want to be accused of it as long as I can pretend I’m a decent guy.

Anyway, moving on or should I say backwards I really get depressed that life had gotten too darn complicated these days. There are things like civil rights and equality and all those other disgusting principles intended to ruin the day of those of us with a power addiction.

The way I figure it somebody has to stand up for capitalism in a healing and decent way. You can’t do that by being a nice guy when there are so many creeps in the world who refuse to play by the rules.

So I through out the rulebook and make them up as I go along. Believe me it works for me. And by the time I finish lying about it then it works for my employees too.

I think what I have to work on more is trying to educate my employees that life as an employee is pretty darn good. Well it isn’t, but I figure if I manage to let them thing otherwise with enough verbal slight of hand, then I end up the winner.

Oh I tell them they end up the winner too. Of course that isn’t even close to the truth, but I never let the facts get in the way of my conniving and plotting to rejoice over my basic survival at everyone’s expense.

I’m thinking perhaps I need to expand the concept of a drone a bit. You know give it a twist or two that will inspire people to think they are getting a bargain by working for me in a “trainee” position.

Hmmm, I guess I will toss in the whole bit about looking for an ambition individual willing to grow with the job. Yeah, that always appeals to their ego.

Then I have to toss in the part about salary compensation based upon qualifications. That keeps it vague enough so people have no idea what I mean. And that really is important if I want to avoid them whining to anyone that counts how they have been treated unfair.

Oh you can count on me being unfair. I just don’t intend on mentioning it to anyone intentionally. And making those drone employees really makes life easier for me.

BONES

I’m sure most people have heard the phrase “skeletons in the closet.” This to me doesn’t have anything to do with real skeletons. Well I hope not unless the person is really sick or some kind of pathologists. Otherwise I doubt any of us would expect to visit somebody and open their closet to find any skeletons.

I think this phrase is really meant to apply to secrets. The bare bones facts we don’t want any one to know because we would be embarrassed if they found them out.

And naturally bones are part of skeletons. So we are talking here about some kind of bones that perhaps represent a dreaded moment of failing in our life and we don’t want anyone to know about it. Yeah, those kinds of bones!

Personally, I keep my bones of that nature in a graveyard. It is called a file. I keep it on my computer and never in a paper form. Those are too easy to find. Instead I have it in a file that I make sure only I know about it. The last thing I want is for anyone to find them bones!

All of that works great in enabling me to keep those bones from most people. The big concern is with the people who were witnesses to when the bones were created. They can be a really pain in the butt if they tell anyone and the plain fact is you can pretty much count that they will.

See that is the fun part about bones. You do end up wanting to show off those bones if they belong to somebody else. These bones are secrets and always ugly in that regard since they are something you did wrong. I mean if they were great looking you would put them on display in the first place.

But the process of hide and make sure you don’t peek always happens. The only nice thing is knowing that while I’m digging a hole for my bones I know the other dude is probably doing the same thing. And let me tell you even though it would be nice, the one thing you can’t do is borrow a shovel.

Heck, I’m so lazy that if I could pay somebody to bury the bones I would. But I know people too well. If I paid them they would just end up not burying the bones and instead would take them somewhere to sell them! Yeah the lousy creeps would do just want I would do. God that is so darn annoying.

Meanwhile, I keep playing hot potato with my bones to hide them from the press, friends and just about anyone with an IQ over fifty who is smart enough to see what a weasel I am. Then along the way there are the times when I am forced to give a “dog” of snoop a bone to keep them from looking for any others.

The trick to that is to try and be sure I give them somebody else’s bone. Or at the very least a fake one. With those gossip bones they get so busy chomping they seldom have any chance to know it is a phony till I’ve done made sure I can think up a good lie to explain it all. Ah, life you got to love it!

STONES

Well for the sake of my posting and rambling I want to say that this isn’t about rocks. It is about the boulders of criticism that cause one to stumble over their doubts in the darkness of uncertainty.

Hmmm, I guess I’ve been surfing too many poetic blogs lately. Sometimes it rubs off. Not enough to give up my day, but enough to detour me from my daily rant political and practical.

The kind of stones I’m talking about normally have faces. Nope, I haven’t had too much to drink either. I’m speaking of people. Plain enough?

There are just some people who can’t resist wanting to make you fall down so you can’t see your dreams. They suck at such things as encouragement.

It is more like they are this walking, lifeless and cold impediment to your hopes. All the want to do is make you as unhappy as they are. Which doesn’t work for me that’s is for sure.

Now there are different ways you can deal with a stone. One is to walk around it. Providing it isn’t blocking your way to where you need to get.

Those kinds of stones normally are bureaucrats who have a power hang up. They live to make others miserable and flex their power because it thrills them.

A second means of dealing with stones is to try and crush them. That can be real tricky at times. Because sometimes they don’t break that easy.

In order to accomplish it though often requires you to sick them on somebody else to make miserable. It can be easy at times if there are a whole lot of people traveling the way you are.

Still, another option is to become a stone yourself. You pass on their stumbling quality to them.

It is amazing how negative people don’t like to be told negative things. At least that has been my experience. In fact they are so often out of touch with reality to the point they will even complain about your being negative.

If all else fails, take the toll road in a limo. Translation, pay some other poor slob to fight the stone people.

Such individuals go by different names. One is employee. Another is scapegoat, toady or simply grunt or gopher. Sometimes a small insignificant pebble really enables you to avoid have to face the boulders. Of course it helps if they have a mind the size of a pebble too. You just can’t let them know you are aware of that fact.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Oh yeah there are times when you really, really want to know this. It is especially important when dealing with somebody you think you can control and it turns out they blind side you with some insight you didn’t think they could possibly know.

Being your typical manipulative, lying, back stabbing, spineless leech I always assume the person I’m dealing with is as big of a jerk as I am. Naturally, these inspires me with the worst case of paranoia. So I am extra obsessed with reading between the lines of what they say and presuming it is going to be laced with the same ulterior motives I would have.

Of course in many cases that isn’t true and so when I treat the person unfairly to protect my paranoia driven butt they really have a reason to be upset. However, the problem is since I figure most people are like me and would cut your throat just for fun, I do not in any way desire to take chances. Thus it is my practice to shoot first and never ask questions later. If I asked questions that might depress me since I would have to deal with being such a jerk.

Most of the time since I invest so much time and energy trying to be sure I victimize everyone and do it with as many lies as possible, I’m so grateful when the person doesn’t ruin my game. Those are the times when I really breathe a sigh of relief when that little gambit of deception works. It is like, “Whew! I got out of that one!”

Those are the times worth cherishing. And they almost make up for the times when I have to deal with those nasty “How did you know” moments. God are those so darn ugly. I mean they are the kind of gut stabbing event you just want to find some corner to crawl into and forget life.

Perhaps the part I hate the most is when I have to cope with this happening with someone I totally thought was utterly gullible. Not to be unkind, but I’m talking about a person that at least on the surface appears to be less than the brightest bulb on the planet.

And for the most part they don’t disappoint while you are dealing with you. So you think, “ah, here’s a done deal. I can relax and take this little con to the bank.”

Then come the bomb. Normally when you least expect it and savoring those fantasies of having won one not for the Gipper, but yourself.

It is when that sucker looks you in the eyes and says something like “Do you really expect to buy that crap?”

That’s enough make me have an involuntary bowel movement out of shear panic. Oh I do try to lie my way out of it. You know with some feigned sincerity and pretend they are mistaken. It is a last ditch effort to save face. I wish I could say it ever works, but it seldom makes any difference.

It becomes a case of “no sale.” At least the only good part, is that I cover my tracks so that I can also say, “no jail!”

FROM BIRTH

Ah I love this excuse. I can’t help myself. That is the one that works for me because you can truly blame your screw up on nature, your parents or circumstance. It is so wonderful and satisfying to find a perfect fall guy for my blunders.

And I really do spend a fair amount of time giving this a lot of thought. After all I do have an image to preserve. Which is really tough at times when I screw up so much.

So I personally have all the reason in the world to say, something like, “this has been my problem since I was born.” Heck if I get inspired I can even figure a way to blame it on my parents. They are both in convalescent homes and senile so they could call me a liar at this point!

I know that claiming you have problems that are the result of your childhood can be rather lame in some ways. People just get tired of hearing that kind of crap from a middle aged dude. So I have to be careful to avoid doing that too much.

Still, I do enjoy when I can appeal to somebody’s sympathy as a sucker move to get them to feel sorry for me. That way they will let their guard down and not pay attention when I’m plotting to rip them off. Making them shed tears out of compassion are really great as a prelude to making them cry because you just screwed them over big time.

Yeah I know it is pretty sleazy. What can I say? You go it, it was my parent’s fault. And my grandfather too. After all he was Mayor in our city when I was a kid so he was my political role model.

Who knows what kind of Mayor I might have been if my grandfather had been someone with morals? I often wonder myself.

Did I succeed in tugging at your heart in any way? Was my little comment enough to engender even a fraction of sympathy? Probably not, but I do have to keep practicing.

One just has to invest the time refining this process to make it really work you understand. And that means also sure I do what I can to colorize my childhood as much as possible to make it sound even more credible.

Heck, right now I’m toying with whether I would sound more needy if I had been from a large family and found out I was adopted or just a poor one? Neither is true of course, but I never worry about that part.

They nice thing about story telling in terms of blaming things on childhood is I can’t change the tale as often as I want and it really doesn’t matter. It is just an issue of who I really want to blame.

That is a question of what mood I’m in. Plus who I can lie about the most and not get caught.

BUT SERIOUSLY

My philosophy is if you have to tell somebody this then you’re probably wasting your time. The reason I feel that way is because that signals to me that the person isn’t able to tell when you are kidding and when you aren’t.

It reduces down for me to an issue of not being able to communicate with a given individual to the degree you would desire. That can be a tragedy if they always misinterpret you comments.

I used to beat myself when this would happen. I’d end up spending way too much time trying to figure how I had failed to say what I meant.

After all I am politician and it is my life blood making sure that I am understood. But I have come to accept that with some people it wouldn’t matter how good I was at expressing myself they would managed to screw it up in their minds.

However, despite knowing of all that, I still have those moments when my brain says, “the only way to deal with this situation is to make a joke.” And I do.

Later, when my sanity has returned and I sit staring at the person I made a funny too who has a blank stare on his face, I say to myself, “wake up Rash.” Oh it does disappoint me and if I don’t stop myself, I’ll make the situation worse by trying to explain.

Trust me, it never works. It only makes things worse. I wish I could tell you there were exceptions to that reality, but I haven’t found them so far.

So I cope with those detours from levity by remembering the times when I deal with people who actually have a personality. That can really be a wonderful memory.

It is sort of like taking a mental detour down the road of past glories. I can say to myself, ah now that was a wonderful trophy of success in humor. And it sure it shiny. I’m visualizing here, so work with me.

Alas, this doesn’t translate into enough in all cases. When those efforts failed, I just hide my failure under a fake smile. One that I hope won’t betray my real feelings.

You might ask, is it worth it? Well too me it is most of the time. I still labor under the delusion that perhaps lightning will somehow strike and this slug of a creature I call a person will get a personality.

It hasn’t happen so far, but I keep hope. Perhaps you could call it being an optimist to some degrees. Or simply that I’m hopeless inclined to daydream about what will probably never be.

In the end I just keep practicing the joy of saying what I pray will be understood and even produce a smile. And perhaps keep imagining when I can get a mask to replace the person’s confused look.

THE LATE GREAT...

We normally say this about some one after they are dead. Whether we said it of them while they were alive I guess depends on who was their publicists.

I was thinking the other day about how greatness is really a fantasy. I mean of all the people I’ve know in my life the ones that were consider great we regarded that way for some specific achievement. Such as being a champion in sports.

Oh admittedly they were great at that competition. However, the thing is so often some other parts of their lives often suck big time.

So in relative terms therefore you really can be wonderful and fantastic in one thing and a total moron or even failure in another. Of course the fun thing is if you manage to be successful at one thing to a level that is consider great then nobody seems to be as worried about the parts of your life that don’t work so hot.

Personally I like that arrangement. As a politician I truly cleave to the whole concept without hesitation. I want my public image, no matter how much it is crap. It is the one people see and that works for me.

And as long as they don’t get a chance to find out how much I’m a first class phony then I’m happy. Naturally to maintain any decent lie you have to enjoy living a lie.

That might bother some people, but I don’t care. I get to sit in the Mayor’s office and pretend I know what I’m doing. And if you dare to ask a question, well then you can be darn sure I’ll refer you to one of my help. Why should I risk my façade of an image by doing something or saying something where you will find out I’m totally inept most of the time.

Okay, I’m sure a few people will gripe and say, “Hey that isn’t fair to the voters.” I disagree. As far as I view it, life sucks and politics sucks even more. Nothing made by the hand of man ever works as it is supposed to.

So what I do is savor the wondrous opportunity to celebrate how and when I can help people see there is hope. True, I won’t tell them the truth that in reality they are screwed. The longer I help them avoid that reality the better off they are.

Along the way I get to help inspire confidence. That is more beneficial than if I was to let them know there was no way things will ever get better. They will figure that out for themselves in due time.

In the meantime, boys and girls, it is play time and doing what I can to keep the soap opera that is life from ever ending. I work very hard at not working at all.

Which naturally I have no reason to spoil by letting anyone know the facts. That way maybe I’ll manage to keep my flimsy veil of pseudo-greatness alive a little while longer.

MISSION STATEMENTS

Nope, this isn’t just for missionaries. You know the kind of comment about how they are going to go out and saved the world whether or not they need it.

A mission statement is too me a statement of an organization’s intended purpose. It can be very poetic, it can be what the management truly feels it is going to want to accomplish. And it can also be a pile of crap.

One might question what the value there really is in a missionary statement? Well, probably not much to the dude working his ass off at the bottom of the labor totem pole. It doesn’t change his thinking or improve his life.

To the guy at the top he can put the statement on something and show it off to his customers if they ask what they do. Sounds good, providing the actually do what the mission statement claims.

Of course in politics mission statements fall under two categories. There are the campaign promises you lie about and the speeches after you get elected where you lie about lying. Yeah, I guess you get the idea I don’t see this as a serious thing with politics.

My basic view is that mission statements are in reality a necessary evil. We really do want to know the purpose to an organization’s existence. But we aren’t curious enough to ask them to prove it.

That is till the screw up! Then boy do we want to know what happen! And you can be darn sure we aren’t going to be happy with any mission statement that in the fine print says, “None of this matters in the case of an OOPS!” They would never put that in a mission statement, but it probably happens all the time.

In any case, I don’t know, but I suppose it is fun to dream. What good is life if all we have to work with is reality and it sucks so bad?

So I say why not lie a little? Let’s have a party and call it work. Then we can all be happy and think things are cool when they are not.

Yep, illusion in any form works for me. I love it. And sometimes we almost get a chance to pretend it is a good thing.

In the meantime, I think I’ll work on a mission statement as Mayor. Hmmm, let me see I wonder if I need to start out by saying I vow to stop being a lying slug of a two faced, double dealing slug?

No, that is probably not good to say. I mean if I say it then it presumes I was those things in the first place and also plan on changing. That would be kind of silly to admit. And there is no fun to mission statements if they can only be true.

MORE BANG FOR THE...

Okay the pat answer is not the one I’m groping for here. It isn’t buck. There are things you can get a bang from without a buck. True, they might not be as much fun. Well for me since money is important, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them just the same.

In this case I thinking of bang as in an explosion that takes place in your gut in good way. It quakes through your whole body and drives you insane with joy.

Now these days most of that kind of joy will cost you some bucks. That is unless you are going to lie about the bang part. Otherwise it probably will.

However, with a little influx of creativity you never know. There are in reality certain ways to get some bang of joy that may not cost you anything. True, they may not be the kind you can boast about, but they can give you a bang.

For example, creating chaos, of a restrained, not totally illegal nature can give you a bang. I’m not talking about something lame such as screaming fire in a theater. No class with that kind of option.

But gossip is always a good standby. Providing it is totally bogus. The real joy comes in preying upon people’s paranoia and gullibility. Just getting them to believe something totally stupid can be tons of snickers.

At least it is to me. It just gives me some extra thrill when I can toss out some bogus tidbit of fact that can give a person pure anxiety.

Well as I said, it works for me. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. And that isn’t they only type of bang for less expense.

There are a host of possibilities. It all comes down to how much you want it. That and how much you are willing to discard any need for things like morals, kindness or decency.

However, aren’t those things overrated anyway? I think so. I sort of have to in order to survive without letting that shred of conscience that still exists in my brain get too me.

So instead it is just easy to keep playing the game and collect those snickers if and when. And doing it without having the cops pounding on my door or being served with a summons would even be better.

Alas, there is so much time and so little opportunity to truly get as much bang as I like for no buck. But I keep hanging in there. For you never know when the next opportunity will take place.

Yep, some things in life make it worth living. A bang or two of the right kind keeps the heart pumping. Screw it up though will end up with possibly a wound in the wrong places.

PASS IT ON

One thing that probably doesn’t get pass on very much or as much as we would like would be money. Oh I know you might object and say, what about the passing the plate in churches? That to me isn’t legitimate passing it on since whether people admit it or not they are doing it in order to get something in return. I know they may claim it isn’t true, but the same people I’m sure don’t pass up the opportunity to get a tax break for their donation. So in general I’m not speaking of donations in this aspect. They just don’t count from my point of view in terms of this posting on passing it on.

For me, more than anything that is just too darn predictable. And if I wanted to go down that road I wouldn’t even need to write this posting. Heck you can find plenty of places that will bug you to pass it on and right into their wallet.

Nope, for me the pass it on is more important when you are talking about help. Yep, the kind of help that really gives a person a reason to be grateful.

By the very definition of pass it on for me that is when you honestly are passing something on and not expecting anything in return. There is not going to be any bragging, income tax deduction or other reason you are going to have for what you have pass on to whoever.

And the other criteria is that this has to be a good thing. You can pass it on in a bad way that makes a miserable. That kind of sharing is a good thing if you enjoy making people unhappy, but you probably won’t feel as good about it as if you know the person enjoyed the experience.

This admittedly might be a funny topic for a devoutly greedy person such as myself to talk about, but to be honest I actually regard it as in investment of sorts. Which I see as something different than giving with strings attached.

This is when you pass something on that you know will help the other person. It makes their life better and in the process they end up better off.

But in the process you know you may not get anything in return. Still you understood that the one card you are probably going to play with this game is the gratitude card. Which requires that you know the person well enough to recognize that they will actually appreciate the effort.

That is the difference to me. You can go out on the street and help any regular person and feel good about it, but they probably will not care.

However if you lend a helping hand to the person who say is struggling and you do something that will change their life they will most likely be very grateful. Then down the road you have a friend who will pass it on to you if you end up on the needy in. This is to me good politics in a rational way. That is what I call it. Some call it manipulating people. For me if it leaves more than one person with a smile I think I can live with it.

FOR BETTER OR BETTER

I truly love when this is the choice. It just gives me shivers of pure euphoric greed when there is no down side to an option.

The sad thing is it just doesn’t come up as often as I would like. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wish it was all the time.

Now because this is so appealing, I do my best to turn as many occasions into this type of situation when possible. How do I achieve it? Simple, I cheat. Yep, I make up the rules as I go along and if I don’t find a winning combination, I invent one.

What is the value of all of that? It is Because it is less depressing and more fun than thinking of disasters.

The amazing thing is that when I start looking at life in that corridor I actually am more inclined to find all the pluses and less of the downsides of situations. Call it attitude, call it mind messaging, but it sure works for me.

I just wish it was easier to persuade others to join me in that type of exercise. I could just imagine how more of that kind of thinking would make things easier between people.

I’m not speaking of a bunch of positivism crap. Which is exactly how I feel about the mental fluff of feel good positive thinking. It sounds so wonderful to think in terms of good things happening, but in reality if you don’t actually DO anything about the issue it never gets better.

So what I do is simply look at the situation and ask “How can I fix this?” I look for cures instead of simply flapping my gums.

But that is me. And every once and a while I do make a disciple or two in this genre of thought.

For me the real better and better deal comes from taking somebody and making disciple out of them so they will feel incline to actually try more often. It makes them feel good and in the end it often makes them work harder and I get all the perks.

That is the real better and better for me. Yeah, it is sucky to think of people as something that are better when I get to abuse them, but I figure I doing them a favor.

Yes, I said I’m doing them a favor. I call it education. I’m teaching them the wisdom of not trusting jerks like me.

Which I truly think is a plus. Well as I said I do cheat at the rules naturally so for me any excuse works.

That makes dealing with the guilt easier as time goes on. It is the better and better I truly find one I can live with most of all.

TAKING IT TO THE LIMIT

This is one of those wonderful multi-purpose phrases. You can use it for things like taking it to the limit or taking it to the bank or a host of other options. Well I of course view it in that regard. I’m not sure everyone else does though.

Essentially, I regard it as a vow or goal, which is suppose to inspire a good reaction. I mean you can either push the boundaries of some aspect of life or have the promise that what happens will result in some blessing.

Those are just the practical aspects naturally. We can indulge in some philosophical meanderings and assume this could be some metaphor too. If doing so somehow makes the whole process sound more important or valuable.

Personally, this for me is a form of pace I like to regard in my simple political domain as a good thing. Mainly because I see the key ingredient in all of this as trust. You hope it means what people claim it means. Although so seldom does that honestly seem to be the case.

However, that is good news for me. Telling people you can take it to the whatever is a vote of confidence. It is a slam dunk, done deal, good to go kind of reality. That sure helps when you want to get people to relax when you are telling them a bunch of lies and want to keep them from panicking.

The taking it to the part really isn’t that hard for me. It is trying to cope with the consequences when the taking it to the part doesn’t happen. One has to be clever enough to come up with a really great cover story to explain why nothing really got taken anywhere.

To that end I wish to pause and salute all those fabulous guys in politics who manage to pull off this sham and get away with it, over and over and over. Yep, that is class in my book. The kind of aspire to, but am still working on.

For me the redeeming part comes from the fact that in a city over populated with mentally comatose and spiritually lethargic gnomes I don’t have to worry that much. I could steal their wallet, lie and say it was not my fault and they would probably just say, “Huh?”

Ah it is so wonderful to dwell in a la-la land of pure apathy. I really would be in trouble if I had to actually work for a living. God that would be scary. Then I might actually have to follow through on the taking it to the part for real and not lie about it.

But for the moment, I am content to not stir the pot of curiosity. It is wonderful to just be able to make promises that I never intend to keep and then blame somebody else when nothing happens.

Perhaps some day I’ll think about it differently. For now, I just keep smiling and telling myself it is a living. It is as good a lie as any I guess.