YOU CAN COUNT ON ME

Ah the sweet taste of loyalty. It goes down so smooth and refreshing when you swallow it. The wonderful thing is you’ll probably be so jazzed when somebody promises this kind of help that you won’t notice as quickly when they flake out on you.

So there you sit like a complete moron with savages to the right, a pack of ravenous beast to the left and the whole time thinking, “I’m not worried because my pal is going to show up any second.” And right up to the point that the savages and beast decide to use you as a wishbone you still cling to that illusion of loyalty.

I can imagine there are a few people who could read this and nod while saying, “Yeah, uh-huh, that’s right. How do you know those creeps?” To which all I can say is, “They have a really big family!”

I guess the main thing is that we all love the glory of being regarded as loyalty. But we hate if there is a risk to such loyalty. So we might not be that thrilled if we are supposed to be the cavalry and it means getting massacred. That’s when I love to take a coffee break that lasts till the war is over. I’ll even bring a doctor’s certificate to prove I had some kind of sickness so you don’t have to accuse me of being a worthless cur of a yellow coward to may face.

Now what ticks me off is not so much when somebody does this to me as it does that I fell for it. That really fries my cookies or whatever.

Still, what really bugs me the most is that no matter how many times I get shafted on this deal, that “trust me” con job manages to blindside me at times. My only way of coping is to basically do the same thing to some other poor sap. Then I don’t feel like a complete idiot, only half an idiot.

I wish there was a way around this whole insane deal, but I haven’t figured it out so far. I keep hoping I’ll come up with some miracle cure to prevent me from ending up a sucker. That just hasn’t happened yet, but I’m hopeful.

Until I do, I suppose I will have to maintain the philosophy of suckering others before they have the chance to do the same to me. I know it sucks, but hey I do the best I can to not loose face whenever possible.

Well in any case all this joy just has a tendency to lead to insanity. You always managed to find a few nuts out there that will believe anything. They really are like fruit just ready for the picking.

And I don’t mind saying I’ve done my saying of picking whenever possible. I just do what I can not to be the one who gets picked instead of the picker.

Ah, life, isn’t it wonderful? It can be at times. On others, when things get tough, you know you can count on me. I won’t say for what though. That will wait till your butt is in a sling and I have to find out what risk there is.

ALL'S FAIR IN...

Okay, I don’t care what anybody says, all isn’t fair in anything. I think when we talk about fair in the first place it is nothing more than an illusion. People aren’t fair because by nature we are all selfish jerks. So if people are fair how can anything we do really be expected to be fair.

Well that is my approach at least. And I honestly don’t regard that as being negative. I consider it being realistic. Which to me is a necessary link in the chain of personal achievement.

I see people all the time who operate under the delusion that if they just do the best they can they will get a reward. Good luck stupid! Go ahead and be a sucker all your life.

I don’t mean to be cruel, but the plain fact is that life would be fair if more people were human and not greedy trolls. But that isn’t going to happen unless you are writing a movie script. Perhaps a fantasy set on another planet somebody hasn’t screwed up with letting humans infect it.

Meanwhile back in this world, life goes on at its own stupid, self-serving pace. And since we are all a bunch of worthless, liar, back stabbing, hypocrites then we can expect the gospel of “me-first and second and third” to dominate.

Some might look at such a philosophy as being hopelessly negative and not very complimentary of human nature. I say, let’s celebrate our strengths! Yes, that’s right, let’s all get happy about how the system works.

Now come on, think about it. Do we really need all this idealistic fluff that is basically crap in the first place? Are we honestly going to help our fellow man or are we more likely to help them get lost somewhere so we can steal their crap for ourselves?

Feel free to enjoy pretending that life isn’t like that. Knock yourself out if it makes you feel better.

As for me, well I’m going to stay in the real world! I’m going to accept that fair is a concept that works best when you think about it after having six or twelve beers.

But that then folks is part of my Limburger survival guide for the practical, sleaze. I’m working on another volume admittedly. There are just too many chapters at this point to fit into one volume. Heck, the chapter on feasting upon the gullibility of the average mind is practically a book by itself.

The big problem is debating if I really want to get it published. Getting the bucks from the sales would be nice, but do I honestly want to tell all my secrets?

That is a question I’ll think about later. For now, I’m going to continue spreading the gospel of Rash to a needy world that is in need of as much graft as I can inflict upon it!

FRONT PAGE NEWS

This can be a good thing if it is a positive story. In my case as a politician I love front page news that I can invent. And since I do have the benefit of a pal who is a newspaper reporter, when I do make the front page news in my story, it is always a good story.

What cracks me up is the people who are obsessed with publicity, but no clue on how to actually get any decent type. They are so pathetic as they sit there totally desperate for any type of attention and no real clue on how to get any.

I think part of it comes from a poor self-esteemed. We’re talking about people who are striving for some affirmation of their worth outside of their own lives. Or they may just have incredible egos that are begging to have others know about their greatness (yawn.)

The problem is that with such agenda you let your desires blind your reason. You end up acting totally stupid and silly and it becomes evident to others.

Some people are desperate for things like publicity so they hire what are called publicists. Now this is supposed to be some clown with his or her act together that will make sure you look like a god even if you are a jerk.

All of that is fine and good if it works. But some of these morons will only end up making your situation worse.

That is why I like my approach. I simply made a bud out of the leading newspaper reporter in my city, Hugo Muckraker. And since he is a booze hound a lot of what ends up on the front page in our city is the result of what I decide when we meet at some bar.

Plus I do also cut Hugo in on some of my action. A few bucks for basically printing a lie that will pass for the truth. Works for us, that’s for sure.

I do have to admit that it does take some of the fun out of life when I can read the headlines the day before in a rough draft. But I don’t know, I find that comforting in some ways.

And the real joy is knowing that most readers won’t care anyway. If they try they might get around to reading the actual story sometime instead of just the headlines.

What is nice for me is that even if they take the time to read it they will end up with no better clue as to what the truth really is. Frankly to me the truth is overrated anyway. And far too depressing.

Which is why I savor the joy of just creating a nice safe image for believe to read about. It also helps when those nasty little tongues start flying. God I hate it when my staff does that!

SOWING THE LANDSCAPE

I’m a good gardener. That is providing you think spreading tons of verbal manure as part of good gardening.

Hey, it works for me to think of people as potential blossoms. And sowing a few seeds of thoughts always helps. Providing they take root as you desire.

Therein lies the biggest problem. You can’t be sure the kind of blossom or flower that will sprout from the sowing of the seed.

Sometimes I really lay it on very thick and spread as much manure of promise as I can in some speech. The I leave thinking, man that was great. I feel confident I did my job and the smell of that particular layer of double-talk didn’t really stink.

Afterwards of course, somebody bursts my bubble and I’ll get a whiff of the downwind gossip. It will stink. I not only spread manure, but it smell like it to everyone, but me. Jeez, talk about bombing.

Well in such cases there is only one solution. I go and fetch a hoe to dig up the crap and start over. In such situations the hoe I use is finger pointing. It was somebody else’s fault. I just can’t say who yet. That has to be decided later.

That is the good thing about my type of gardening though, I always know which flowers I can cut off without it ruining the scenery. Some blossoms are just easy to eliminate from my garden than others. Fact of life as long as I don’t have to be the one that gets pruned!

Ah, I just enjoy doing something different. And at the same time I also enjoy when I get to sow where I can reap more than I planted.

In our society that is called politics. At least to me. Others have different names for it. But then they probably have one of those “organic” gardens where you don’t use any chemicals.

Good luck with that idea. Me, I use them all the time. Normally I fetch them at some bar.

Oh it doesn’t necessarily make the garden look any better. But after enough “chemicals” in my system I don’t have to worry about what I see. Or what I smell either.

Yep, gardening can be fun. In my world it is so basic and easy. You plant whatever seed you want, let it blossom as needed. Then you come up with the best lie possible to explain why it sucks.

And in the process you wait for the rain of blessings to water the whole thing. If they don’t come, you get out a hose. Hopefully one that works without too many lies too.

THE FACE OF TOMORROW

I’ve seen the “face” of tomorrow. It belongs to this old geezer who looks like he diets on incredibly sour lemons. Okay, perhaps that is a bit overdone, but the point is from my view, tomorrow is the date we all have with the grim reaper and old person fate. So what in reality should tomorrow look like for us is that is our fate?

To me I try to keep that image fresh in my head. It says one thing to me. Get what you can, NOW! Because let me tell you when tomorrow comes and you have old geezer face it will be too late for some types of lust and greed. True, it might not be too late, but it just sounds so much better to tell myself otherwise.

I know how some people might want a vision for tomorrow. To say the face of tomorrow is one with hope. Go for it baby! Lie your ass off. In twenty or thirty years when we are both sitting in wheelchairs and remembering the good old days when we still had decent bowel movements let’s here you ramble about hope then!

As for me, well I intend, providing I live to have an old geezer face to be able to look back on the past with a big huge grin. That will be the one that comes from remembering how I didn’t squander my life doing things that are less than helping myself to as big a slice of the American dream pie as possible.

Thus I look at the face of tomorrow as the “golden” years, providing you managed to suck, steal and by any other means possible accumulate as much gold as you could while still younger. Yep, I think that is a sound philosophy.

Oh I know those silly folks out there that operate under the delusion you should be caring and loving while younger. Otherwise you can end up with old geezer face tomorrow and nobody to care about you.

Well, let me tell you what I think in that regards. First of all when you are sitting there with old geezer face you got old geezer brain. That to me means you can’t remember squat anyway. So why worry if you are alone. Heck, you’ll be lucky to remember what day it is so no big deal from my point of view.

On the flip side there is also the fact that when you got old geezer face with a fat bank account that is when everyone wants to be your pal just for the sake of ripping you off. They will gather around you just hoping you’ll kick the bucket any second. And you can be darn sure they will be rushing quicker to the bank that to your funeral. Heck, with my kids I know I’ll be lucky if they ever give me a funeral. I’m inclined to think they’ll stuff me in a trash compactor and then when I’m condensed enough to fit into some empty pet food can, they’ll put me in it and buried it in a field somewhere.

I bet some of you think I’m kidding too. That shows what you know. Which is why I also have my special plan for dealing with old geezer face. I’m going to blow every cent I have left on some young girl to be my nurse. I won’t even care if she can take my temperature. Just that she knows how to keep my warm. Enough said?

PREACH IT AND LEECH IT

While I might be inclined to digress on the relevance of preaching and giving, I’m going to avoid it in this case. Not because I don’t think it would be a good posting, but because I have a different agenda in mind.

Preaching to me is a form of public speaking where you are trying to express a given point of view. That isn’t a monopoly type of speaking that is solely the domain of bible thumpers.

The reality is that a whole lot of preaching takes place on the part of a great many people. Politicians do their share. I know because I do it myself lots of times.

My main point with the issue of preaching is as a rule it will sooner or later be related to money. And in this case, I will have to admit that the bible thumping speakers have got this part down pat and rightly so. They don’t have to lie about preaching to leech it. Heck it is incorporated into the rituals and people who listen expect them to leech it.

So call me envious a little. I can get up and preach my stuff and then take up and offering. I have to get up a preach it and then explain why it relates to taxes.

I have to confess that in that regard I sure would wish I could take up an offering. Then I wouldn’t have to raise taxes.

Alas it just isn’t the same when I talk about saving the city as compared to saving a person’s soul. That just isn’t fair from my point of view. I simply can’t compete with that kind of option.

So I do the best I can to try to accept my preaching will never quite leech it as I would like. Plus it helps me to appreciate why their has to be a separation of church and state. Heck if there wasn’t, those darn bible thumper pros would put the politicians out of business!

People can think what they want about the founding fathers, but as far as I’m concerned the whole separation of church and state was intended to be sure the reverends didn’t take over. Hey, they were smart. After all they were rich and sure didn’t get that way by sharing the power with others. I figured that much out.

Still, I guess nothing is going to change any time soon. So when nobody is watching I do turn on to watch the bible thumpers on television and hope to get a few pointers for my own preaching and leeching. I haven’t quite figured out a way to come up with an altar call yet. I’ll have to work on that some.

In the meantime, I have got a few of my help to get used to being called “ushers.” I’m not sure if they are quite willing to practice passing the plate though. I’m going to work on that part. Perhaps if I start by putting some food on the plate they might cooperate more. Maybe some nice angel food cake would inspire. No, on second thought I guess I better try devil’s food cake considering my approach.

GLADNESS VERSES MADNESS

I know that to some people this title might seem like I’m intending upon rambling about something that is obvious. Gladness is easy for most of us to understand. When something makes you feel good, it makes you glad. At least it should and hopefully does.

Madness, in this posting has to do with sanity and not being upset about something. Now I know that kind madness might seem appropriate when talking about an opposite of gladness, it just isn’t the direction I want to go in this case.

To me there are all kinds of madness that don’t necessarily qualify as utter insanity. Real insanity is an ongoing condition that may or may not be treatable. However, even a sane person can have a temporary bout of madness where you get a bad case of the industrial strength stupidity.

After all, being human means we all have our moments when our brain sort of goes on vacation for one reason or another. We look back later and say, “what was I thinking?” Course in reality the answer it, “Oops.” Which is my way of saying accidents happen and when they happen in the worst possible situation we really look stupid regardless of how smart we think we are.

What amazes me I guess is how often we tolerate in our society various systems and leaders who are frankly well into the realm of madness. And yet, because of our pursuit of gladness in different forms we tolerate and accept what really doesn’t make sense.

This has introduced from my point of view the basic addition to the English language of words like “Oxymoron.” I’m sure there must have been a time in the passed when we might have worked harder at question when two words don’t actually go together, but not these days.

I think the pursuit of gladness is part of the reason. We get so obsessed with trying to find a way to not think about all the crap we tolerate everyday that we just don’t want to dwell on things that are just plain dumb and stupid.

In a way I feel that for most of this such situations are our concession to a tolerable form of madness. We accept what is insane or absurd because we just are so weary of the all the emotionally draining, stress filled aspects of life, we just can only muster a smile as best.

Now all I have done is simply to make an observation about reality as most of us seem to live it. And I say in my own way that this is in reality a tribute to our genius. I mean without making so much effort to avoid the crap, we might really go insane. So perhaps a little madness is the perfect way to preserve some silver of gladness so we don’t actually end up beyond any point of real logic.

So enjoy folks. Act silly once and a while. Dance when you get bored. It might look like madness, but it will be a form of gladness to keep us from any real madness and that is a good thing.

A LESS THAN FINE MESS

I’m not what would really constitute a “fine” mess as in a good one. A fine mess in terms of one that is an absolute problem that would be easy to find.

A mess for the sake of this posting is by my definition anything that really stinks in terms of working right and has to be cleaned up. Now there are messes of the kind that you stuff in the trash and then there are the ones that you simply need to add a little fabrication air freshener to tolerate. The difference is of course how big of a mess you are talking about.

Even then you have the added issue of whether you are talking about a mess I have to look at or one I just have to hear about. There is definitely a difference in terms of how I have to deal with it. And yes, if it makes your stink to high heaven, but I’m not forced to stand downwind, I’ll probably not even care.

Now in this situation we are talking about messes of the type that are honestly fine as in major. Those are the types that once you know about them you have to either pretend not to know about them or do something about them.

With less than a fine mess, you might think about it, but if you don’t give it much thought then you probably won’t get too upset since it isn’t that critical. However, the odd thing is even though it is probably no big deal, you still have to cope in some way. Those can make the less than fine mess situations a pain in the ass at times if they happen to often.

Which is why some people truly devote as much time and energy as necessary to be sure they dump the less than fine messes off on somebody else. They are too small to waste time on, at least your own, so instead you try to find somebody to worry about it.

And the best person to do that with is a boss. After all they already have a ton of headaches so they are most likely to figure a quick solution that will get rid of the less than fine mess.

That works for the employee, but trust me it doesn’t work for me as the boss. I devote as much energy as possible trying to avoiding responsibility. The last thing I want is extra headaches.

So I have learned my own form of dodge to deal with the less than fine messes. The first thing I ask for is a report or study. From the person of course since they are the most familiar with the problem. That is the excuse I use naturally.

Then if that doesn’t get rid of them and they actually do the report I make darn sure I tell them I’m forwarding it to a committee for further study. Most of the time there is NO committee. It just sounds better than to tell them the truth that I’m going to stick their report in a drawer and forget about it as long as possible.

That folks is my strategy for dealing with the less than fine messes. Feel free to apply it when applicable in your own life just as long as you are not one of my employees.

APPLES AND ORANGES

I’m sure most of us have heard how sometimes comparisons are like trying to discuss apples and oranges. Basically that you can’t compare the two items in question because they have nothing in common.

Does this reality keep people from debating whatever? Not as far as I can tell. In fact so often people love to argue over just about anything just to hear themselves talk.

Given this fact makes my job easier. For I can get up and give a speech about two totally unrelated items and people will actually nod. Believe me, I’ve done it and it does work!

I didn’t say it was a good thing. Just that it is amazing how people become so numb above the shoulders by all the crap they are told that they just are prone not to listen. Fact of life. Not necessarily a good one, but a fact of life.

The other day I put this theory to practice when speaking to a group of businessmen in my city. I specifically chose them since they are most often the types who are likely to pay attention.

The hot issue for them lately was the issue of downtown parking. We have oodles of parking meters and they love to complain how the parking meters affect people’s shopping habits. I won’t debate or even deny it is a factor, but as Mayor I’m not about to give up the revenue.

So I got up to address the issue of parking meters in the downtown district. Guess what? I never once mentioned them the speech. I did this totally silly speech about icebergs and how the shortage of adequate streets and bridges in our city has an impact upon the usage of ice in snow cones. I alluded to the experimentation with attempting to import ice bergs to improve that problem. Then I made several vague references to parking in general and freedom. Mentioning freedom always gets a good nod or two.

In the end I didn’t actually say anything that might remotely improve the issue of parking meters in any way. But they did clap just the same!

Why I even had a couple of them come up after the meeting and say they enjoyed my speech and were going to do more to deal with the ice crisis. I smiled (out of humor for their silliness) and then said thank you.

I found the whole process rewarding of course. I think I’ll polish it up even more for the next campaign for re-election.

I just wish I had some incumbent to blame for everything. But I have a feeling it wouldn’t matter anyway. From what I’ve observed the voters would no doubt not remember. So I might as well toss in a few apples and oranges. Heck, any fruit might work since they probably won’t care since they aren’t going to listen, which is great for me.

ONE MORE TIME

I think I’m slowly beginning to get brain drain from blogging. But I have been doing it for more than a couple of years so given my basic corrupt nature I figure there has to be more than one way to skin a mind. Translation, I can write on the same subject more than once with a different comment and be happy because I’ve said something different. Works for me, but then most things do.

One more time for me is something worth repeating. It can be a comment, a song or basically anything that you like enough the first time to do again. Some things are necessity such as breathing, eating and drinking. Those don’t really to me qualify as one more time experiences because you HAVE to do them.

What I’m talking about are things you do a second time because you just plain want to. Again there are some things you do more than once that you don’t have to do. Working sort of falls under both categories. You have to do it if you want a paycheck, but if you don’t for some reason then no problem. However, I do think most people are inclined to want a paycheck given the traffic during commute hours.

So let me narrow this whole concept down to the basics of talking about things you want to do more than once because you enjoy it. That probably is a much longer list if you are talking about things you would like to enjoy doing than what you actually get to do. I don’t imagine I have to explain that part do I?

Now you might ask, does this even need to be put in a blog. And I say, absolutely. I mean the fact that it is part of human nature practically demands it from a guy who makes his living as a corrupt politician.

After all I would be unfaithful to sharing the dark and less than noble side of my life as a Mayor if I didn’t indulge in such topics. At least it sounds as good as a reason for rambling about it as any I can think of.

What really annoys me is the people with far more anal inclinations than brains. They have a once more time kind of attitude. But it really sucks if you ask me.

That is because their idea of one more time includes the most incredibly boring and dull activities imaginable. I’m speaking of having activities for social reason that only register on this yawn scale I use. If it rates more than two yawns, run away because let me tell you if you don’t you’ll probably fall asleep.

I am thinking I might benefit my fellow man by the simple sharing of this information for their benefit. Perhaps publishing a schedule of activities and their pertinent yawn rating.

I might have to include a disclaiming about how the surgeon general has determined that excessive yawning can lead to permanent damage to your sense of personality. It was just a thought. I don’t know yet if I can get anyone to pay for that option. I want to help my fellow man, but I do expect compensation.

HOME, HOME FOR THE STRANGE

That’s the way I feel about my little concrete hunk of the world at times. I’m not saying that they do it that way on purpose, just that it seems we have plenty of people who are less than what might be defined as normal.

I will admit that I’ve probably been over this territory before in some posting. But there are times when I just feel like some things are worth a second visit. In this situation the daily interaction with people on the fringe of sanity sort of inspires my thoughts.

I realize that there is no place on earth where insanity and dementia don’t have a foothold. Which in part fascinates me because of the countless efforts we make to try and be sure we make things look normal. And then we create governments and elect leaders somehow thinking they are going to be different than the rest of us. This is insanity naturally, but that is sort of consistent with everything else I suppose.

To me, part of being youthful is one’s dependence and faith in ideals. We are too inexperience to appreciate how perfect is generally a word that in no way applies to the things of man. Between our fantasies and naiveté we manage to contrive a reality that doesn’t exists.

Then we march out into the real world as an adult, with our head still in the clouds and clutching our diplomas from either high school or college totally ready to conquer the world. Well the one in our head at least.

Somewhere along the way we visit the real world. The one where things are broke and never will get fixed. A place where good doesn’t always win and bad sometimes does. Suddenly we discover we aren’t the center of the universe and then before long, we take that first escape with the help of some form and reality is our master.

It is called growing up. It might not always be a pleasant process, but it happens just the same. Along the way we discover that just like our fantasies, normal and sanity are variables rather than constants.

For me that crossroads of thought came some times after I became involved in local politics. My grandfather had been the political kingpin in our city for many years before I was an adult so I wasn’t totally ignorant of the way things worked. But I stupidly thought I could do it differently. Then I found out I couldn’t. I was just as greedy, corrupt and in need of all the good stuff as he was.

Plus I soon discovered the bland metropolis I lived in truly did thrive with nuts. Not special ones you understand, just total and completely dull minds who had no hope of ever rising above their lunacy.

Now days, I just expect stupid to be a worthy condition in our city. I haven’t gone so far as to want to celebrate it. I just stopped lying about it. That makes life a little fun when you know it is just a sick game where the winner is the one who can lie the best.

CIRCLING THE WAGONS

Today this might seem like an outdated concept. It was one of those wagon tree deals you saw in movies about the old west. The type of thing they did when the red heathen savages were charging at them and screaming and yelling.

So they circled the wagons for protection. At least that was the concept. I can’t recall ever watching a western though where they really showed that doing this actually got rid of the Indians. That seemed to happen when they shot them we their rifles. But it did convey the concept of teamwork. With I guess the basic message being either work together or you’ll end up being scalped.

Well, today the savages don’t have to actually be Indians any longer. I know plenty of businessmen who know how to scalp your pocket book real good.

But the concept of teamwork is still a good one. That part had real merit if you can achieve it. The only problem is that the current crop of savages doesn’t shoot arrows or ride horse. And they don’t warn you they are coming by yelling and screaming.

As for the rest of us, well the only wagons we might have are station wagons. Good luck trying to get those into a circle without getting a traffic ticket!

What is the relevance then today to this whole issue? Like I said, it is about teamwork. We have to learn how to properly circle our minds! Hint at the imagery naturally.

This amounts to me to simply starting with a basic sense of cooperation. We can’t spend all out time arguing about who is in charge or having committees. That is a definite way of ending up with your wallet scalped by the fiscal savages.

Why am I rambling about this subject you might ask? Because I just survived a savage attack. This one was a real nasty one too.

We had this tribe of businessmen who had gotten together. They pretty much operate a given section of downtown. And they even have a priority for things like prices and parking fees.

Well they were bored with just their hunk of the city and also greedy for more. So they were descending upon city hall with the silly idea of somehow convincing me that they could get me to agree to help them spread their part of the world.

Now I ask you would you help the Indians attack you if you were circling the wagons? I am a consumer you know?

It wasn’t like they were offering me any part of their new plan. That was a big mistake. I just told my folks in city hall to follow through in processing their paperwork. Which is the best form of bureaucratic circling of wagons you can have. If I know my employees for their natural lazy nature, those businessmen will retire before they have a chance to fill out those papers. It is like circle wagons being pulled by turtles. That works for me with some people!

CURES

I think it is fair to say that a cure that doesn’t really cure anything isn’t much of a cure. And even though that is a common sense statement, perhaps even a rhetorical observation, it doesn’t mean we exercise reason when thinking in terms of cures.

Part of the problem to me is that the very word “cure” has an almost mystical power over the mind. We hear it about some disease or crisis and the mind immediately goes “whew!”

It doesn’t even matter if we actually have any way of proving that the cure works. Or whether we understand the details about the how this cure will solve a given problem. We just hear the word cure and stand jumping up and down, content that our misery for that situation is available.

What is even more amazing is how we still fall for this crap over and over again. If you don’t believe that then just look at the number of things we’ve bought into as a people over the years even when they didn’t work.

Now in reality, if you were sick and you went to some doctor and he prescribed a cure you would be thrilled. But how many times would you go back to him if he turned out to be a quack? In fact if he make you worse you might even be screaming “malpractice!”

So with health problems where our butt is on the line, we do expect cures to be cures. And it doesn’t mean if one fails we quick looking for a new one, but again I think we will look for an option to the same health wizard if they fail us.

Not so with things like politics. The same cure, homogenized by the same people till the all look the same and get the same results and “oh boy, I’ll vote for that dude again.” And even if we swallow a bad medicine and end up screwed in the process, next time around it is bend over and say, “thank you sir, may I have another.”

Perhaps this is a good thing. Well it is for me at least. I get so many chances to offer up the same cures that never work and that saves me the brain power of thinking up new cures.

Ah, the sweet victory over the gullible and indifferent. I cherish such precious memories. In fact I’m in the mood to offer up another phony cure.

What better way than to write a speech. Let’s see, I can start it out, “My fellow…” I will probably say the usual rather than what I would prefer to say, “my fellow, too apathetic to care if what I say it totally bogus.”

Still, as long as there are speeches, their will be cures that aren’t a cure. And that is good enough for me. Because I treat as a wonderful from of job security. Who can beat that for love or greed.

TIPPING

I think way back in the distant pass of blogging I did a post on the concept of tipping. At least the regular type that we get stuck with when going to a restaurant.

Instead I thought I would focus on what for me is a better type of tipping. I’m speaking of the kind of tipping where you offer somebody information that is helpful to them in some special way. It is often a tidbit of thought that might spare that person from some grief and is often based upon your own experiences. You are just doing what you can to help spare another soul from going through your ordeal.

Now there are those tips, which you have to pay for. Say if you want help from some one who is going to teach you a way to be more successful. That is normally more than a simple tip, but to me is it does fall under that general category.

In either case I see that kind of tipping to be a lot more beneficial that the first type of tipping. That is because for one reason this type of tipping doesn’t cost you anything. And secondly, there is the added value is that you may even gain a friend in the process. At least they may feel like they have a debt to you out of gratitude if you work it right.

The other aspect to me is that you don’t have to figure it in percent. Like with a meal, you wait till you get the bill and then you have to make it a percentage of the total and if you don’t do it right, the waitress will think you are a jerk.

Hey, that is important to me. I mean there I am sitting down and trying to recover from some expensive bout of gluttony with my mind numb from too much booze, starch and sugar. The last thing I want to do is think too hard about anything at that moment. I just want to sit back and relax while hoping I can get home with having an accident from being under the influence. And also to hope I can make it before I need to take a nap. So please don’t complicate my life with asking me to think in the process.

About the only down side as far as I’m concerned resides with getting helpful tips that are really helpful. Some people love to give tips who honestly have no clue what they are talking about.

For example, if you are saying talking to somebody who is telling you how he or she is getting over a bout with food poisoning received from eating something they cook, you might not want their tips on cooking. That is the type of helpful tip that should be obvious, but I’m not sure it is.

I know, because there are plenty of times when I myself make the stupid mistake of listening to what somebody else says even though they have been wrong in the past. So I suppose the best tip a person could have about taking tips is be sure that you take them from the right source.

At least it sounds good. I keep trying to tell myself that even when I don’t find out tell I blew it that I didn’t take my own tip.

SALUTE!

I remember when this one television program devoted to Country Western music used to have this segment where they would pay tribute to some city with a salute. I thought it was a nice touch and a good effort to give some recognition to some small town that might not otherwise get any attention.

Most of us probably don’t get much practice at the usual type of saluting unless by some chance we are in the military. Otherwise it just come up as a rule I imagine.

However with the kind of salute that celebrate what normally does get attention we call all participate. The problem is that we probably won’t. It just isn’t important to us to spend that much time doing such activities.

I do sit and ponder at times why we aren’t as inclined to enjoy the joy of saluting as much as the thrill of complaining. Just look at the talk shows sometimes or the rag gossip magazines. How often do they concentrate on some problem or negative aspect of human nature?

Part of this is to me the result of living in a land where we are told in our literature and movies how our dreams can come true. Then we get bombarded by advertisers who tell us we aren’t good enough unless we buy all their crap.

So it is really all that surprising that we would remain in a perpetual state of being pissed off from the inundation of such stimuli? Not too me.

As a politician of course that does work to my advantage. It gives me plenty of reason to be happy. I can do what I do best, peddle the illusion of hope. And then I can season it with a certain element of tugging at the heart strings as the mirage of self esteem. It gives me a shot at looking like a nice guy. Boy is that a stretch at times.

In the meantime all this wonderful saluting that never takes place just leaves me to have cause to smile. For as long as people don’t decide to do it themselves, I can rejoice in being able to do so myself.

Perhaps my biggest fear is that someday people would actually figure how out be nice to each other and passing around a few salutes would end with fewer frowns. Then the next thing you know people might be in a good mood more often. That would really be something for me to dread.

Still I am happy to know that at least for the foreseeable future I can depend upon such time of situation not occurring. I like it that way. There is just no reason to be too much in a rush to change a system the gives me every chance to victimize people.

Ah, heaven is different things to different people. For me it is about knowing as long as we spread more hell than hope, I can always get people to listen to my version of paradise, which is something I’ll never complain about.

FOR THE HECK OF IT

Ah this is so wonderful when it works. Just tooling down the road without a care in the world and nobody to explain it to. You only have to explain your actions to yourself and that can be so relaxing.

For me those are truly the most precious of moments. I get real weary of being under a microscope and having to struggle with explaining everything I do like I can just do things for fun.

But what really annoys me is that some people think that way. It is like I can’t be just another person. That somehow I have a duty to always have some guiding vision for the future and never can relax once and a while.

I’m very skilled at the reality of deception. That mask I have to wear can be so annoying at times, but I know I can’t take it off whenever I want in public.

The big challenge is finding enough places that I can avoid having to explain when I really have no reason for what I do. It is amazing within our city how many places I go that I figure nobody will even notice me and as luck will have it I get confronted by some voter.

My biggest hope resided on going to a theater. And no, I’m not talking about an Adult movie house either. I’m talking about the multi-plex by the mall. During the day it is often not very crowded with the kids all in school.

So I turn off my cell phone, wear a hat and sun glasses and mosey over to buy a ticket to some movie, without even caring which one I see. That is my plan and hope.

Unfortunately the last time I tried that my plan turned out less than pleasant. It all started to go sour when the usher recognized me. He also was a college student majoring in art who decided that he wanted to discuss the finer points of cinematic film making for the film I picked out to go and see.

I listened politely for a couple of minutes and then afterwards made up some excuse about having to use the bathroom. I thought the worse was over. I was wrong.

Instead I ended up with this other joker sitting down next to me. He didn’t recognize me, but apparently had a need to vent his dissatisfaction with my administration. Trying to get him to shut up also was a dismal failure. So I ended up excusing myself to go to the bathroom again.

Then I tried to switch theaters. Big mistake. It was filled with a bunch of senior citizens who had formed this protest group against waste in city government. Do you need any guess on how that turned out after they recognized me.

I’m thinking of trying the park outside of town next time I want to hide for a while. With my luck I’ll probably run into some squirrel with a complaint against the city.

WORDS TO GRIPE BY

I’ve heard some people speak of words to live by. A wonderful sentiment. However, the last thing I recall we live by breathing, eating and drinking. There is a saying about making people eat their words, but believe me you would hardly survive by eating a thesaurus or dictionary.

Which is why I think the really important issue is words to gripe by. Life does have its less that glamorous moments and the plain fact is that no matter how we try we can’t avoid the moments, which some call “character” building experiences. That a nice way of speaking about the dumb and stupid, anal retentive episodes that stir that Neanderthal element of the marrow so you wish you had a club or rock.

Today we do live in the pseudo illusion of a civilized society. This means solving problems by running over someone with a truck or bashing their head in with a rock is just not socially acceptable.

Plus you have the added complication of knowing these days between the liberal nature of the courts and general ineptness of the government that too many injustices never get resolved. So unless you are in the mood to live the short life of a vigilante you probably will end up being pissed most of the time more than having a smile.

My view is that you can avoid that reality. And I happen to subscribe to the idea that what happens is that the frustrations simmer in our lives and eventually boil over when we just can’t handle it any longer.

That normally happens of course when it is totally inappropriate. Like with road rage. Some average joe is tooling down the road, something pisses him off and the next thing you know he’s pulling out a cannon and using you for target practice. Later the neighbors will say that he was a quiet person. Well that will sort of blow that image when he is a guest of the state.

So my suggestion is learn to savor the words to gripe by. Come on and just enjoy being pissed off with a few choice comments about how life sucks. Enough to truly get anger out of your system.

If you get practiced enough at it then you can really have a good time. You’ll feel so much better than perhaps the world won’t look quite as bad after all. Maybe you’ll even stop and find something to smile about if your lucky.

You can call that being negative. I call it a form of therapy. And I think if we stop kidding ourselves about the nonsense of only wanting to happy thoughts, then we can rejoice in our misery.

That’s right, I said rejoice in it. Come on we can make a wonderful game out of it. Just something to make life truly worth living. And with a little practice we might even get good at it!

BIG AND LITTLE

As the old saying goes, “Size doesn’t matter.” Nobody believes that with regards to what it is suppose to apply to despite how people claim it is otherwise.

The truth is in terms of thinking, size really not only matters, but it is down right critical to one’s attitude. Only not in the way some people think. Not from my point of view.

You see the thing is to me people who think too big really suffer from little thought. They are so frivolous when they say “everything will work out.” Only most of the time when they say that it doesn’t apply to them! They can afford to say it because it isn’t their butt at risk. Fact of life I’m afraid. Kind words are a great way of pretending you care so you don’t have to actually get involved. Rash’s rule naturally.

Meanwhile at times those who seem to lack vision are sometimes the type that have simply gone blind in terms of visions from too many times when things didn’t work out. So they just simply have no emotional strength to look beyond a given horizon.

However the wonderful thing is understand how each of these two minds really has a different potential in terms of change. The person who is upbeat and thinking big probably is so busy impressing themselves with their confidence they don’t honestly have time to look deeply passed all their hot air. They just want to ramble and act like they hope for the best. So in terms of a real possibility coming about they will most likely miss it because they won’t stop talking long enough to really look at the horizon.

On the other hand the guy with little vision is a man scarred by life. If you can manage to heal that scar in terms of attitude it can reignite his flame and the next thing you know he will actually start thinking in terms of big that is really an actual big.

So you see this is another of those oddities of human behavior where you can actually find the big and little are in fact residing in places you never expect. But then some people won’t even bother to look.

As for me, well I’m love to dish out any big thoughts if it brings about some real joy of a chance I can raise anyone’s hopes. I’m selfish you understand. I do it so I can inspire a person to work more and harder.

Yep that is my bottom line. Getting as much labor for the cheapest price. And the more I can help some clown see better in terms of attitude so he’ll keep marching then the less he give as much thought to the reality that I stole his shoes in order to sell them for my own selfish motives.

I know that sucks. But hey, I got my own rules in terms of big and little and I see no reason to rob myself of the big part just because my own pocket is sometimes too little. That is the part I have to work on the most. Normally by making sure I sucker some other dude into thinking he is bigger than he is.

NINETY-NINE CENT SALES

Isn’t it wonderful when people know how to make you think you’re getting a benefit when you really aren’t. Sales are like that. The very word inspires greed from my point of view. Yes, I said greed. It is getting something for nothing mentality and it works! That is the best part. I personally love it.

I don’t think I in anyway I believe there is a better more clever and functional deception than the ninety-nine cent sales. I’m not speaking of just ninety-nine cents, but any dollar amount that ends in ninety-nine cents.

In reality you don’t get the item for ninety-nine cents. It always ends up having tax, which pushed the price over one dollar or whatever. However, it has the initial mental impact of making it look like you are getting it for less than a given dollar and that is the important part.

To me the whole benefit of this process lies in knowing human nature. We love anything that hints of giving us some kind of perk. It just smacks of making us think in a world weary from the times you get rear ended that we finally get some kind of break. That my friends will always be the kind of drug that will drive people wild and make their brains turn to mush.

It is just like with politics. We all know that politicians are jerks. That they will never be anyone you can expect to tell you the truth or in anyway.

Still we vote them (or should I say us) into office just the same. And no matter how bad it gets or what happens we still have elections and still give the same people more chances to make us bend over and say thank you, may I have another.

The thing is I see the two items as being related. They are different branches of the same tree, mainly again from my view the tree of greed.

It is a tall and stately looking tree. The wind flows through it with the arrogant scent of boasting. A lovely and intoxicating aroma that leads to wars and other proud moments in the history of mankind.

I sit in my office, aware of all this litany of reality in human behavior and keep marching on with smile. Knowing the whole time when I see those ninety-nine cent sales that I’m going to be a dumb clown and rush out to grab my part of the illusion of booty for myself.

Somebody once said, “Love makes the world go round.” Now the one thing they don’t mention is that the love the makes the world go round is love of “self.” Unless you are talking about the rent-a-date type of love. It makes the world go round too in its own way. Only with a price. At least it comes without the problem of having to worry about love of “self” when you can rent another pair of hands to help with the process. Cheers to the joys of ninety-nine cent sales and all their fabulous versions.

ALWAYS

This is a wonderful sentiment. Always has the glorious feeling of permanence to it. But since little in life ever stays the same the word just doesn’t find a lot of substance in our experience.

So how come we get hung up on talking as if always is a reality? Because it sounds so darn good!

Which is the part of life that “always” gives me a reason to smile I guess. After all what fun is life if we can’t cling to a few fairy tales?

I see it all the time. People talk about wanting the truth, but boy do we love any lies that give us a chance to ignore it.

Which is probably why I cling to this little marvelous word as much as possible. Life is a lot of things, but it just seems most of the time that just doesn’t translate into experience.

In the meantime we can celebrate all those hard working and creative souls who invent the truth so we don’t have to. They love to paint with that lovely shade of fabrication white wash that looks so great in covering up the truth. I’m proud of the great job they do!

Why think about it. If it wasn’t for the cinematic gurus and those sitcom wizards where would we be? Always would be some mirage we could never believe in. It wouldn’t even be worth thinking about.

Instead we can pollute out systems with heart clogging crap, let are arteries harden, put of reality as long as possible and kick back to veg out while watching some movie. Oh yeah, you can talk all you want about the American way, but I’m sure you will never hear about it mentioned as being involved in devoting so much effort “always” finding new ways to avoid life.

And think about how this makes us true leaders in the world. They hate us or so they claim for the way we abuse the environment and the rest of humanity. But let’s be realistic, deep down what gripes them the most is we are just better at manipulating the facts to keep our always nice and safe in some glass container where nobody can touch it.

So be proud folks. You have every reason to be. We are in the history books of greatness when it comes to knowing how to be the kind of dreamers others have a reason to envy.

If by chance some day (hopefully not in my life time) that somebody succeeds in utterly destroying our fabric of lies and we have the whole thing crash around us, we can still smile. For we have enough practice at lying about always nobody will even notice at our end.

PERHAPS

I love this word. It says so much without really saying anything. You can just utter perhaps and then you are saying, I might do that, whatever it is.

In reality you may not be doing a darn thing or even want to. But if you are like me you are too spineless to admit it, so saying perhaps just works so much easier.

The real upside to this word is that there are also times when you can honestly mean it or want it to be true. I find that to be a wonderfully versatile option from my point of view.

So you can be telling the truth or you can be lying, but perhaps is still the optimum response and I love it! Yep, there is nothing better than being able to inspire hope and if you are really lucking end up turning some desperate employee into a working for practically free. All for the “perhaps” of a promise of a raise or some other fabulous illusion. Then later you say, “darn, I’m so sorry, but it just isn’t going to happen.”

You see that is my main bone of contention with issues like slavery. Outside of the obvious moral issues, let’s be honest, nobody is going to be impressed when you have labor that isn’t there by choice. And look what happened in the long run? We had a war, the slaves got set free and the whole system went into the crapper on the surface.

What did we replace it with? To be honest it was a clever version of perhaps. True it didn’t improve the freed slaves very much. Perhaps, ah there is that word again, we weren’t quite as brutal as the Romans in terms of slaves, but we weren’t sweethearts either.

The big problem with the perhaps we came up with after the whole failure of slavery was that eventually it sort of went bust too. See the main value to perhaps options is that when they go bust you can’t tell the person in any way. That is if you want to prevent them getting pissed off.

Which is where we really blew it. We gave people freedom in a technical sense, but didn’t give them any real or credible perhaps to believe in. What we succeed in doing is build plenty of resentments and in the end all the social glue we tried to use to fix the situation hasn’t worked.

I say it is time for a really new type of perhaps. One that we can believe in and give us back some of the hope that all the politicians and greedy corporations took away from us. Yeah I said politicians. I am said to say there are simply way too many of my species out there that haven’t developed their perhaps skills.

But I imagine life will go on. People will continue to be abused and complain about it. Politicians will ride the back of social causes in hopes of looking like they care for vote time. Then later they will go off to some closet somewhere to hide while they figure the best way to make it look like really are doing something. Perhaps it will change. Probably about the same time that I win the lottery.

CUTTING TO THE CHASE

Some people use this as a phrase intended to mean, “get to the point you dumb moron and stop having diarrhea of the mouth.” That might seem cruel and people don’t put it that way, but for the most part it really is what they mean.

As a politician of course I always have the runs in terms of what I say. I don’t know, but it just feels so much better when I use a speech or whatever to express myself. It might not be viewed that way by some, but I just don’t feel I’ve shown respect for a given subject if I don’t ramble incessantly.

Call it being silly, but if I don’t give a given subject plenty of words then it appears that I don’t care. The truth is that I don’t care about most things. I just would prefer to not let others know that.

So I have my nice portfolio of synonyms and a thesaurus so I can come up with as many variables as possible to say the same thing. What can I say, it might be a silly game, but it works for me.

Now I do admit that I get rather bored to some degree when I deal with some ordinary working person and they do the same thing. Not to necessarily play the hypocrite, but for me this is business. I’m simply protecting my hide as a Mayor.

However, it does definitely grate on my nerves when I stop to say hello to someone like our city hall security guard and the person decides to tell me his life story. I try to be polite, but do I really need to know about his latest bout with the stomach flu.

I know that is considered to be my fault since I made the mistake of asking, “How are you doing?” I only asked because that is such a standard saying. However, it isn’t one that I asked and really wanted an answer.

We all know how that is supposed to work. When someone asks how you are doing the correct response it to be “I’m fine.” You might be feeling totally crappy, but you aren’t expected to honestly say so. What can of world would this be if everyone spent the time to ask that kind of question and then was told the truth? Pretty soon people might end up feeling like that had to do something when they were told how somebody wasn’t do very good.

Why that could lead to a serious outbreak of care and concern. That would be awful. Imagine how terrible it would be if society started actually trying to help people?

I have a feeling though that we don’t have to worry about it that much. I mean let’s be real. When it comes to caring our illustrious history as greedy, selfish jerks sort of demonstrates how that isn’t something we have to fear.

In the meantime we shall keep cutting to the chase, unless we are able to excuse our rambling in some way. I’m glad I found a way that works for me even if it sounds silly to somebody else.

DAYS OF OUR STRIFE

Ah stress. What are you going to do? My advice is to pass it on. Yep, dump it on somebody else. Trust me you love yourself in the morning for it.

Actually I have observed that for the most part the strive comes like a roller coaster. It is never constant, it has peaks and valleys. But the worst part is how often it comes when you need it the least. Sort of like you have become some kind of stress magnet and who needs that?

Not me that’s for sure. Besides the way I look at it, worry and stress should be delegated for the benefit of training my subordinates. Yep, how can they ever learn the reality of their place in life if they don’t understand emotional misery? It is just a matter of being thoughtful. There just isn’t any benefit to them by allowing them to linger in the delusion that all is well.

So when the days bear down like you’ve been beat on the head constantly and you decide it is time to leap off a cliff, pass it on! Give it to some poor employee who is probably unhappy because their live sucks anyway. You can do them proud and make them feel better for the experience. Well it sounds good at least.

That is how I’ve learned to cope. It is true that at times I do have to tolerate having the depression at the office as thick as mud. You can feel it clinging to the air like a very bad smell as if somebody just farted.

Still, I do manage to cope. I simply retreat to my office, soak up enough booze to stop feeling guilty and then everything seems just fine. At least for me.

Does that sound like the cowards way out? Well let me point out one thing about that, cowards are the heroes of knowing who to live stress free lives. Think about that. The courageous dudes end up being the ones who spend their time getting exhausted trying to improve things. And most of the time they don’t even get thanked. Somebody just figures a way to keep sucking them dry till they keel over from fatigue. Then they have a heart attack from the strain of it all.

Meanwhile the dude with the yellow stripe down his back gets to keep going. He might even get a shot at the courageous dude’s widow. Then the life insurance and then — ah, it is to dream.

In any case, stress is best when it happens to somebody else. And anytime I can ruin another person’s day while leaving me with a reason to smile, I’m very happy.

Yep, life does have stress and strive. We can either accept it, deny it or in m y case be sure it ends up in somebody’s else’s court.

Ah, I guess I better go. I have a date with a cocktail for lunch. The strive today at the office is extra demanding and I need the booze to help make me deaf to my employees whining.

REPENTANCE

I bet you think I’ve gone bonkers or something by mentioning repentance since it is normally a religious deal. But that is the kind of I’m sorry where you are trying to avoid a divine spanking. Yep, that the Rash interpretation.

However a person can blow it in other ways and feel sorry too. They might even get so you know aroused or mournful that they honestly want to do things differently. So if they mess up and then come back later and want to start over I say, “NOT ON YOUR LIFE!”

Oh yeah, that’s right, I said forget it. To me I know how most people are liars. You can believe anything they say. Even the bible thumpers can speak with a forked tongue regardless of if they claim it is a cross!

My point is that I honestly don’t find too many people who genuinely are into repentance. I find a lot who want to blame others for their mistakes and flat ass lie about a blunder, but genuinely have some degree of sadness when they screw up, almost never.

I’m not saying I’m any better. The simply fact is that it is because I don’t have any motive for repentance that I am prone to accept it doesn’t actually thrive too much among my fellow man.

Plus there is the simple fact that once a person has violated your trust in them can you really trust them again? Don’t give me any of that crap either about forgiveness! That’s one of those fairy tales that people talk about, but never actually do.

What bugs me the most is when somebody creates the illusion of being repentant or forgiving and in no way their do their actions actually express it to be a reality. Like any of us honestly buys into the idea that fake sorrow or mercy does any good. It is fake, what can you say.

But it works for some people. The really silly ones that talk about honesty out of the sides of their mouths. They are the crown princes of denial. Only they can stop lying long enough to admit it.

I call this whole process a game where nobody really wins. However I at least try to do it with a smile since I do make up my own rules.

In the meantime if I run across a backstabbing creep like me who says he’s sorry for his stupid behavior and promises to do better, I give him a chance. Maybe I don’t actually trust him, but I don’t tell him that.

That is when I use a method for deal with repentance my way. It is called hidden cameras. Sometimes even illegal wire taps. I call that all having fun when I do catch a sorry perhaps doing something that proves they are really sorry. Yep, that’s real repentance I see every day.

THE NEXT VOICE YOU HEAR

Well I wish that was a more joyous thought at times. For me the next voice I often hear is NOT the one I want to hear. It most of the time belongs to my secretary. And that almost always is other than exciting.

It isn’t that I dread talking to my secretary. I just get wore out from her proneness towards being utterly gullible and constantly panicking.

Some people don’t make worrying a lifestyle. If they do most of the time they at least worry about important stuff.

In her case she worries about everything imaginable and even worries when there is nothing to worry about. Honestly I think she would get totally depressed if she didn’t think the world was going to end.

What amazes me is how she is able to function and get her job done despite this problem. I’m not sure how she copes with that reality.

As best as I can tell she manages to turn it into a form of worry and that makes her able to give it attention. To me as long as it works for her and she gets her job done, I’m happy.

About the biggest problem I have with this issue is when she talks to other people as my secretary. I can’t believe how she is so capable of utterly infecting some folks with her joy of panic.

But she manages it. And almost to a level of being mind boggling. Because I have seen the occasional optimist end up getting depressed after she chats with them.

No, I’m not making that part up. It is truly fascinating. Which makes it at least interesting in a demented way.

In my position of being Mayor I do get more than my share of contacts with businessmen in my city. Some are very upbeat and positive by nature. Truly a joy to be around.

So there are times when I have to be sure that if I need to meet them I go to their business. If I allow them to come to my office it can be a real disaster.

There was that incident unfortunately the other day when I got busy and forgot to schedule a meeting with this one businessman at his place of business. He sells life insurance and investment packages. So beating upbeat is really important to him when dealing with his customers.

Well he ended up coming by the office and before I got to talk to him he spent a little time chatting with my secretary. I don’t want to be too critical, but when I hard driving, ambitious and successful businessman shuffles into my office with his head hanging down I don’t treat it as a good thing. Then when he figures life is hopeless and is thinking of joining a monastery, I call it serious. He survived, so did my secretary, but I have definitely worked harder on not forgetting meetings!

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS?

I catch this program on cable from time to time that does profiles of little known places. They love to show you all the wonderful details about the place and make it seem like some type of heaven.

The reality is that most of the things they say are more hype than truth. Which makes perfect sense because otherwise why waste the time with the making the program in the first place?

What gripes me is that I know all this, but manage to fall victim to driving to some of the dumps from time to time anyway. When I get there and it turns out to be a joke, I feel stupid, but the next time I do it again.

I wish I could say there was a cure for that kind of silliness, but there isn’t. At least not in my case. All I end up with is a bag full of tourist crap that I’ll stuff in some closet for six months before I throw it away. Oh yeah and also a case of indigestion from eating some junk they sold that was too greasy and overpriced. Yep, it is called having fun.

I have come to appreciate how the one thing this says about me and apparently a whole lot of other people is that we have boring lives. So we grab at any form of entertainment we can find. Which is pretty pathetic, but we do it anyway.

Is there a cure for this insanity? Probably, but I haven’t found it yet. So I am doing what I can to learn to cope.

And one way I have chosen to do that is by finding ways of seeing if I can get that television program to do a feature on my city of Mediocrity. Oh I admit it could be a real stretch to find some way of turning our little city into something that remotely looked exciting, but I don’t mind working on that part.

I was tinkering with the idea of trying to make us the capital of something appealing. You always hear of some city that claims to be the capital of some food or whatever so why not allow my city have some shot at a title.

Right now I haven’t quite worked out the best option. I could advertise that we were the capital of bland, dull and boring. However, I’m not sure that would truly inspire any visitors. Plus if it did I would have to seriously wonder what place the people came from that actually thought Mediocrity was a barrel of laughs. I can imagine it would not quite be a place anyone else would visit.

That is a problem for later though. Right now I’m working on the most important part of this plan. That is my speech. I am a politician after all. You can plan anything in my situation that doesn’t sooner or later result in some kind of a speech.

And perhaps I can even include something that is almost true. It is funny how people actually expect you to be honest in a speech. It is a silly idea from my point of view and one I avoid whenever possible.

COME AND DON'T GET IT

I always love when I make people feel wanted by giving them some invitation to what they assume is a special event. In some cases it really is a special event. Others it is just an illusion I create because I’m priming the person for some con.

The whole time of course I’m appealing to their general sense of greed. You see that is the basic glue of human nature that to me keeps the world going. Oh you can talk about love and all those other noble qualities, but let’s be honest we perfect in reality what will in some way benefit us as the best form of motivation.

You can take issue with that if you want, but not me. I feel that the prime motivation to most the things we do is when we think we will gain something in the process. Even such things as church are done because so often there is the enticement of a shot as heaven.

Tell me how many things people would do if they really didn’t have a chance to benefit in some way from the act? Even being generous has as its reason in some way a chance to prove you are generous. It feeds the ego.

Which is a primal rule of strategy that I rely upon when dealing with people. It is like the old saying, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar.” Out side of the obvious intended meaning for me the other value is showing how if you can appease a person’s appetite for whatever they will act like a fly.

That translates into them being vulnerable and easy to swat. It just takes enough lies to distract them so they don’t notice the fly swatter!

There are those of limited thinking who might regard this as a negative comment about life and people. I beg to differ. For me it is a source of hope. I see it as a promise that you can depend up people always reacting a given way in each situation.

It sure makes my job so much easier when I know I can use the same boring approach and enticement to get the same results. I don’t have to think as hard and that is a good option.

For those silly little minds that want ethics and values and decency then I might suggest you go shopping at a bookstore. Find a nice book of fairy tales to entertain yourself. And plan on staying home and reading it since I’m not going to invite you to my social event.

Yep, life can be interesting at times. And very rewarding if you take the practical approach. It is so much more satisfying than those absurd approach of hoping life will ever get sane or decent. That works in the movies. Actually there is very little that doesn’t work in the movies.

All I can say is if that is you need, then pass the popcorn. I need it to feed to the people who I can get to buy that bridge I want to sell them!

FOOTPRINTS

There is this fairly well know painting of footprints on the beach. It starts out with two sets of footprints and then later you only see one pair. Some give it a spiritual meaning related to God and all the other religious elements they want to read into the painting.

Well if you want that you can find plenty of people who can lecture you on that kind of meaning. I’m speaking of a more practical and applicable interpretation. When you see only one pair of footprints where there were first too it is because some jerk just leaped on your back. Yeah, we’re talking about some lazy scum who wants you to bear his burden. Ain’t it a shame?

That is what some might say. For me I say, hurray! Glad to see somebody knows how to act when they are smart.

Now would you really expect me to view it any differently? I mean I know plenty of people who I’m glad can see behind them to see the number of times I’ve stepped on them. Oh they might feel the pain, but as long as I can get them to buy my lies that it is their imagination, then they never know the truth.

While the truth might set some free, I can say that in my case the truth is something I definitely enjoy as long as I’m the only one who knows it. That by itself makes leaping off my back even more important in some case so that I can dodge a pile of crap I’ve created.

If I’m feeling generous I might even warn you about the pile too before you step in it. But that depends on my mood. You just never know how I’ll feel when I wake up and my feet are sore.

The important thing about footprints is making sure if you do leave them that you do so in a way that nobody can say they belong to you. One good option is to be sure the footprints aren’t your size.

How does one accomplish that? Simple, always wear shoes that are way too big. All of which comes down a basic and essential manner of seeing to it that whatever blame comes from the footprints of your actions is shifted to somebody else.

See I don’t mind leaving footprints, but I hate having anyone knowing they are mind. It isn’t that hard really, just a matter of enough practice.

In the meantime if you aren’t skilled at walking over people I recommend that a great place is to start by walking over the old and feeble. Yeah some might say it sucks, but we aren’t talking charity here are we?

So go ahead and get a nice pair of golf shoes and sharpen the spikes. I mean your footprints leave scars then you really have a reason to celebrate. At least I always feel that way when I’ve taken that first wonderful step!

SPENDING MONEY TO MAKE MONEY

The special knack to this is spending OTHER people’s money to make YOURSELF money. There is just nothing more joyous than investing as long as it is without any personal risk.

As a politician I find myself in the perfect situation for such risks. I’m always very brave with the taxpayer’s funds. Course I don’t them that. Officially I stand on a platform of conservatism. Which means to me that I never spend a dime of city funds without being sure we have carefully check all our options and always find the most affordable means to do things efficiently.

That’s my official position you understand. It has nothing to do with what I actually do. Which is why we have the city budget the public sees and the one I really use. A little padding here, a dummied up receipt there and everyone is happy. That is as long as they don’t know the truth, which never happens if I can help it.

So what does the public get out of this whole deal you might ask? Well in a manner of speaking I suppose the honor of having me ripped them off without it being done by a stranger.

After all I do live in the city and when I steal big time I always use the money where I live. In a way it is my form of trying to share the wealth. But I never take credit for it you understand. I’m just content to live a modest life and have those occasional chats with the overseas bankers where I have to “special” bank accounts. I figure why cause problems by messing with bogging down the local bankers with too many extra headaches. They seem to have way too much to do in the process.

In my own way thus I feel I am helping to foster the right kind of balance to people’s expectations will not get out of harmony with our reality. See if I was to not interfere with the normal process and allow the funds to be used as intended then it might distort the level of efficiency in the city. Things would actually get done and where would that lead?

It is a difficult and thankless job caring as much as I do for the poor working souls in our city and making sure they are watched over in the way they deserve. Hmmm, you know I’ll have to remember that phrase for the next time I get asked the pesky question about the city’s finances I just prefer not to answer.

And if by chance you ever decide to drop by for a visit. We can always use another helping hand and won’t complain. In fact I’ll be more than happy to tag on a few extra fees to your visit to make it even more memorable.

Tell me you can expect that from everyone? Yeah, I know you are probably sneering at the moment and that’s cool. I have a tax for that too. One way or another I do my share to be sure leave with a smile or at least I have one from having picked your pocket. Cheers!

THE TWELVE GROAN PROGRAM

The “other” form of this program is one involving twelve steps as a program that helps you get over an addiction. I don’t like to mention that addiction because then I have to contemplate how I might have a problem with that issue. And frankly I have no desire to give up bar hopping just because I might have a problem. Not admitting it at least gives me the illusion that it really isn’t a concern. Ah, sweet denial does keep one from getting depressed!

I think that is the main focus of this posting too. The twelve step program might be commendable unless you view it as a twelve groan option. Then it doesn’t matter if there are two steps or a hundred you aren’t going to be all that excited about trying it regardless of how it might help.

Which brings me to the golden rule of human nature, “Pain from self-abuse will always win out over the pain of improvement.” Now you can question that rule, but for a politician like me it is pure gold!

Knowing it has worked to my advantage on countless occasions. For example any time a voter wants to complain about some failure of our city government I always agree. Then I kick them in the gut with that nasty word, taxes.

It works so great at normally shutting them up. They all want improvement, but not at any cost. So if you add their pocket book into the equation they almost always will suddenly think the current system is okay after all.

On the rare occasion I actually deal with some deranged person who will agree to higher taxes then I have to resort to a different tactic. That involves suggesting how they will have to take the flack from the public for the extra taxes. Generally that will definitely get them to rethink their position. For such people, they may not mind using their own pocketbook to some degree, but they definitely don’t want the risk of being unpopular.

So once again I find that one weakness that keeps me from actually having to do something to improve a problem. Still there is the odd person out there who will agree to raise taxes and then will accept the blame too. Talk about being sick!

They represent the worse challenge. However that doesn’t mean it is an impossible obstacle. I just have to resort to a little committee razzle-dazzle. Basically I assign the project to a bogus committee that never meets. And I just have to wait out the enthusiasm of the person who thinks they really want change. If that doesn’t work then I find some other problem to give them grief that keeps them so busy they have no time to think about the first problem.

Ah yes, it is to plan. Sometimes such adventures do carry risk. But being the devote backstabbing creep that I am, I always make sure that the risk is for somebody else’s behind. Democracy, Rash style, can be so fun at times.

MINT ANYONE?

Most people are probably thinking breath mint when you ask this. Unless we are talking the chocolate mint cookies, which as soooo tasty.

What I’m thinking of with this question though is more related to the kind of mint where they make money. And what I’m thinking about is wondering if some of the people I deal with and have to pay for their services presume I have my own private mint.

They sure must from the way they love to charge such outrageous fees for their services, which are often crappy in terms of quality. Plus if you don’t like it they could care less because you can be darn sure if you go out looking for an option that creep will be a crook to.

So you get a choice. You get to bend over and ripped off out the gate by someone who will steal you blind and then get pissed if you don’t get them more or you can say forget it and look for a different crook to do the same thing. Some choice huh?

Lately we’ve been doing some remodeling of city hall so I have had to deal with that wonderful breed of humanity known as contractors. Now perhaps there is a good one out there and I have met him, but the ones I work with definitely presume I have my own mint from the way they act like charging extra for anything and everything is no big deal.

There is of course their “bid” on the project, which also some with an estimated completion date. Neither will be closely accurate, but you will have them in writing at least. Then will come the increase in “costs” the delays for just about any thing imaginable and in the end after they’ve bled you dry of every last buck they will expect you to say thank you like they did something decent.

I’m not prone to wanting to be like the darn bible thumpers and give everything some doom or gloom twist, but just like everyone I’ve heard about the antichrist. Well if you ask me, I bet the antichrist is going to be a building contractor.

Now don’t snicker. Think about it for second. If there was some contractor out there who finished a project on time and in budget it would be a miracle! He had the world dazzled by his talent.

We all eagerly give him the right to be the boss if he could perform that type of magic! As for that number thing on the head they call the “mark of the beast” shoot I bet it would be a cell phone. I mean looked how hooked everyone is on them.

Yep, the old tribulation thing the bible thumpers talk about could be really scaring. There is a housing shortage and everyone has to sell their souls to this jerk in order to have a place to stay. And the whole time he makes you keep calling him on a cell phone to find out when he’s going to be one with your project so you’ll have a place to stay. When you do get him then he’ll ask with an evil snort, “Mint anyone?” All I can say is I hope you got one when it happens. As for me I’m going shopping for a tent.