WISH A PENNY

I truly wonder at times how marvelous it would be if wishing wells were full of the power to make wishes come true. There might have to be you know some guidelines in terms of what wishes were granted to be reality, but I imagine we could manage a few guidelines that we could live with.

Of course as a Mayor I can't help letting my mind wander to the issues of things like governing magic. Well somebody would have to do it. And tax it too. After all you just couldn't let people run around having the dreams come true and be happy. That would never do.

If we allowed that people would always live in hope. That would simply be unacceptable you know.

Just think how much harder us politicians would have to work at lying if people were already happy? And add the possibility of them getting what they want out of life, oh the very idea makes me shiver.

You just can't have that and expect politicians to be able to make some decent promises to them. What on earth are you going to improve when people are content? I perish to imagine the risk.

And naturally one does have to concern oneself with the subject of pennies. Yes, we would have to definitely regulate them.

Otherwise people might be trying to counterfeit them. And before you know it we would have utter penny chaos.

Why that could lead to penny riots and horrible incidents at places like penny arcades. That would not be something I want to contemplate.

Fortunately we do live in the real world. Not one that I feel is perfect. Which at times I'm very grateful isn't.

Still, I think if I could find a decent wizard and work out the right arrangements I could possibly make this whole doable. That might be worth a shot under those circumstances.

For now, pennies are save and wishes remain wishes. Which works out great since I don't have to lie any more than I already do.

Then perhaps in the wish package I could wish for the ability to lie better. Guess that would be a plus.

Ah it is to dream. So joyful, so thrilling. And sometimes it even has a smile. Mainly when I figure a new way to help you not remember how much your life actually sucks. Wishes don't always have to be about good things you know.

STAND UP, SIT DOWN, LIE, LIE, LIE

Ah yes, I remember the good old days back in high school where we rooted for the team while being lead by those cheerleaders. Well naturally, it wasn't school spirit I was thinking of when I saw all those beauties bouncing around. But you can hardly expect anyone to let you shout out what you really want to cheer about.

Well enough of remembering all those good thoughts. Actually, I was reflecting on how such cheering really did feel good at times. There was nothing like getting all excited and then seeing the team win and feeling you did your part to encourage them.

Course in reality, I'm not even sure they heard us and you can be darn sure after the game when they were in the backseat of a car with the cheerleader they weren't thinking it then. The kind of scoring going in then was not the type that we got to help cheer.

Unless you count the time the nerds in the photography club managed to capture a couple of the players and their dates do some private cheering. It did make for some interesting photos. We did enjoy them right up to the point the players decide to stuff the nerd in a trash can head first. Ahem.

Anyway I think at times I miss all that joy. Yeah, getting excited can be so much fun. It just feels so good to be that alive.

It is just a shame that real life seems to lack the opportunity to give us such chances to get that excited. Well not in term of the routine.

Which is why at times I find lying really helps. You know taking something totally boring and dull and making it sound as exciting as sex.

Now that really gets the heart pumping when you manage that effort. It can be a real challenge, but one that is well worth it when it works out.

The hard part is being able to convince somebody else that your lies were worth it. Somewhere you have to weave in a hope of victory.

The tricky part is being sure if you fail it looks like a victory. That requires even more lies you understand.

But with practice it just gets so easy. And that is when I truly have fun. It gives me such joy to let the folks think miracles will actually happen.

And when they don't, well we still enjoy making it look like they did. Another blanket of excuses and finger pointing and ah, heaven is reached.

Just without the angel, wings, haloes, golden streets and um, you get the idea. It's the condensed version. You have to squint a lot. In some cases it even works better when you close your eyes.

READY, SET , WAIT

I thing this is almost a law in civil service work. You do all this planning and you can't forget the regulations. Lord knows the world would come to an end if there weren't any regulations.

Of course then you have to have the required number of meetings and speeches to make it all believable that you really are ready even if you aren't. That is the important part you know. You have to have the illusion of being organized no matter how untrue it happens to be.

Then comes the most important part. The waiting. You can't invest all that energy and effort and just rush out and do something. You have to show it was important so you put in on a calendar.

The farther in the future, the more it will appear to be important even if it really isn't. This is naturally all window dressing when I do it.

What I strive for in these situations is to inspire confidence. You have to when you are dealing with incompetence. One can't tell the truth that the ready part never really makes you ready. It doesn't even bring you close.

Then you come to the set part. Well that is a good option. For we sit down and spend the whole time having a meeting to explain why the ready part is ready even though it isn't.

Oh yeah, it takes a lot of effort to make that work correctly. Which is why I need the speeches. I have to have all that double talk so nobody finds out how utterly impossible the whole process truly happens to be.

Now when it is all over with we come to the wait part. Only we never call it that. Why would we waste all that effort telling really creative lies to be honest at that juncture?

No, no, no, no. What you need is a chance to arrange a time schedule for completion of the project.

That is the time schedule you never plan on following, but want to create the impression you are. When in reality the whole time you are just stalling so you can figure out who best to blame when nothing actually happens as you said in our speeches.

If you work it right, then you get the money out of the budget to line your pockets, everyone thinks you are a hero and some poor sucker takes the fall. And that makes it all a joy.

Now if I really work it right then not only do I get some extra bucks without doing anything, but I also hook up with some hot little cutie in a meeting. That is the kind of bonus I never complain about. I just can't exactly report it on my income tax. Just like too many other things.

ON LOAN

Different people have different ideas of what is meant by a loan. For me a loan is where you have use of something that belongs to someone else. I don't think that is a unfair interpretation.

The real challenge is deciding what fee there is for such a loan. I mean if you are using the property of another it is understandable they would expect a fee for such help.

And depending on the person and the nature of their loan will affect that fee. Of course, from my point of view, I personally do better when the loan of whatever is something the person just is happy to let me use.

It just adds to the joy for me. Because after all, it isn't that I enjoy having to actually borrow some things. Still it does happen.

Then there are the times when the loaning is related to some act of kindness. You know, I'm trying to help somebody and along the way they end up helping me. It is a loan of sorts from a benefit process instead of a need.

I find those occasions come up quite often for me as a Mayor. My job does involve people and that always means they will have a lot of needs.

Why take the other day for example. I came to the aid of one of the voters. Poor soul was very sad and lonely. It happens. Just needed a shoulder to cry on.

So in the spirit of good will, I dropped by to help the person feel some much needed comfort. And I am happy to say that by the time I was done, the person felt much better.

Yes, those really are the special times I cherish the most. Of course, I suppose technically that the loan of gratitude for my help in this situation was a tad different than in some cases.

After all, the person did loan me something very special. But in part I imagine the loan was of some "equipment" normally she would have only used in association with her husband.

Naturally, we didn't feel the need to share the details of our loan with her husband. Some things are better left unsaid don't you think.

In the end though, it was a joy to have served the public and that is always something I'll cherish. That and the relief of being able to know that her husband does work out of town.

I mean there are times when some husbands just don't seem to appreciate the demands on me in terms of such giving. And it is very hard if they come on unexpectedly to have them listen when you've been helping their wives in the bedroom.

TAKE IT OR BORROW IT

Yep, this is a wonderful philosophy. If you can figure a way to rip somebody off without getting caught, you figure a way to borrow what you need without paying for it.

Admittedly you do have the problem of making sure you plan this so it doesn't intrude on anyone else finding it out. That can ruin all the fun and maybe won't let you win the game.

This is after all a game. For me it is. One that falls under the category of I blew it, don't want to admit it and then figure a way to not have to face the consequences of my blunder.

There are rules naturally. Such rules as never allow guilt to keep you from winning the game. That is a major rule I refuse to break. Guilt just ruins the fun.

Which then brings to the important element of not giving in to the idea of charity. In other words, don't think for a second you can take too much. Thinking in those terms will simply interfere with a good game strategy.

This is of course more like a pursuit of happiness that is for bonus points and a championship round. No trophies you understand, but a nice prize if you work it right.

About the only drawback is having to not let the world know when you have won. Bragging rights are a major liability. Cheating is definitely an essential you understand.

This is after all a game that must be one or it isn't fun. You can't feel good about it or line your pocket otherwise. Wish it were different, but it is one of those dreaded realities.

The way I figure it, this is a matter of above all maintaining a certain level of public trust. Alright you can smirk when I say that, but it is reality.

See what happens if the public finds out what total screw up they elected. They feel bad, I feel bad and in the end, nobody gains. So if I manage to help them to avoid having to come to that point then it is a good thing.

Along the way if I have to subsidize the process by asking for a few volunteers to contribute of their resources in order to maintain the illusion of competent government, that only seems far. I just don't try to make them aware that is the situation.

It is one of those things that just that to be savored without the need to let it be shouted about. Which is the last rule. Never let one's ego get in the way of one's brain

Many a would be victor has lost his chance at victory through such means. You can't be a player who wears the crown if you end up being kicked out of the game.


And while you are pondering that, I'm going to go and check out the cheerleaders. There is always more than one way to score in this game.

THE CLOSURE YOU GET

Seeing things more clearly doesn't mean they will look great. Sometimes it can be downright depressing in a given situation.

Which doesn't always have to be the case though. Just one of those things that turns out ugly at times.

And occasionally, if you are really lucky, you get to find those surprise moments when something really does get better when you get closer. Those are the ones that I think really count.

The problem is not having any kind of crystal ball or reliable method to know what situations allow you to find the good surprises from the bad ones. I wish I did, but I don't.

So when you dream of some plan being complete, you get this wonderful image of it ending up perfect, but it never does. Hopefully, though it doesn't look too hideous when it finally grows arms and legs. That is the real down side you understand.

As for solutions, well one can always close his eyes. It does even work at times. Or you find ways to not look. That is a big plus too.

Now the way you achieve that is by not going and actually looking at the fruit of your efforts. You just make up some excuse. That way if your offspring is some kind of mutant and deformed no problem. Denial is so wonderful.

But naturally, the big risk is if you don't look you will miss out when it does work too. That is the gamble of not looking.

The other option is to send somebody you trust to lie to you. That is a good choice if you are dealing with a person you trust to lie good enough.

There is nothing I hate more than a bad liar when you really need to be lied to. Which is also not exactly a thing you can ask on an employment application very easily.

So you have to cultivate finding a person with that kind of skill very slowly. It can be such a challenge.

Still, it is well worth the investment when you get that rich and savory feast of complete bull that actually tasted good, even if it has no nutritional value. And naturally, you never risk reading the ingredients either.

In the end if you have managed it all, the closer you get will always leave you with a smile. Then you can sit back and do the happy dance or whatever.

Hopefully, without the risk of stubbing your toe on that brick you aren't seeing while you keep your eyes close.

POSSESSION

I've been working on this theory lately that people are sometimes possessed by a force that is totally sick and demented. And naturally the person never suspects a thing.

You can see them every day for months or years and they seem normal enough. Then one day they just act totally insane. So it like they are strangers.

I figure, in my usual style of wanting to blame everything on everything else, that this is no doubt the evil work of somebody. I imagine it would be the ones we call the "they." Yeah, you know those jerks who hide in the shadows and are secretly to blame for everything that is wrong.

I can't say I really mind though. I'm more jealous. All I want to do is sign up to join the club. Oh I do have fun from time to time doing what I can to turn people nuts. But I just don't feel I'm the master of this process as much as I wished I could be.

Of course it isn't like this wonderful and mysterious group are looking for new members. Nor do they advertise where you get to go in order to apply for membership.

So, despite my lusts and passions on the subject, I'm just basically a victim of the usual fate related aspects of fortune. At least that is the way I love to look at it. After all you just have to know the right person or force to see as the cause for that problem too.

Anyway, on the whole issue of strangers you thought you knew, this is one part of dealing with people that I never enjoy. I might if I had more control over it, but I don't.

Believe me I sure won't mind figuring out that solution. I had thought of the one approach. Which is to get rid of everyone who turns out to be a nut or ogre.

The problem is that if I made that kind of rule up and happen to get to work before my morning coffee, I might have to get rid of myself. I'm not going to do that.

Of course I do have the other ways I can try to balance out the problem of people who turn out to be strangers. I start by putting tranquilizers in the water supply.

Sometimes it does help. But then there was that time I accidentally misread the name on the bottle. Using laxative did help to some degree. When people constantly rushing to the bathroom it did keep things quiet for a while.

Meanwhile, I'm still exploring my options. Oh yeah, this is the big fun in my day. I can fantasize about a perfect world with no idiots. And nobody who goes insane to become some stranger either.

Well it is my dream and I can wish it if I want to. After all, what fun would life be like if you didn't have a chance to wish that everyday was one where you only could smile. I will not mention how I see certain people in order to keep that smile.

THE THRILL OF IT ALL

I love when you get to do this with something you are proud of. Oh yeah, it just makes me tingle all over to think of flashing something worthwhile. Just gives me all the thrills in the world.

However, if you are talking about putting something on display that shouts, "Hey look at what this clown did," well that doesn't thrill at all. As a matter of fact those are the types of on display that I have to stay up at night and avoid thinking about. That can end up being so stressful. The level two kind of stress that no amount of booze can kill off.

Yeah, that kind of stress and nobody needs it. At least it would be wonderful if you never had to sweat worrying about it. But that isn't very likely.

Which is my other gripe. How come we got more people who want to put the crap on display than the beauty? I mean fertilizer is only really helpful is sooner or later you get something like a garden to bloom.

Just being stuck with that smell don't cut it in my book. Nope, I'll pass on that option. It just isn't worth thinking about as far as I'm concern.

Which is of course my way of saying that complaining that never improves anything just plain stinks. And if the person decides to put on display in a way that makes you stink that can be even worse.

But then it is too bad that some seem to thrive on such things. I doubt you will ever correct that problem though. Kind of hard to figure a way to only get people to get with the idea of making the right choices though.

In any case I guess my strategy for my part is to avoid being put on display for bad things while taking credit for the good ones. And even if I had nothing to do with the good being on display I don't claiming credit.

That is the nice thing. If you work it right then the only time you have to worry is when you don't figure a way to be sure the only on display to come your way is a good one.

More than one person has managed to mess up in that regard. And when you do it always ends up being on display somewhere. Not the kind of press that leaves you wanting to take a bow.

But then life is like that at times. We do have to take the good with the bad. Not that we like it that way, but sometimes we don't have a choice.

My way at least keeps that problem to a minimum when you can. And if not, well you do what you can to lie about it.

That is the joy, if not the dream. Perhaps just the option we all imagine just the same.

BRING IT BACK

Ah, nostalgia is such a marvelous thing. It is so wonderful to sit and dream of the old good days. Even it they really sucked, we still love lying about it.

And who can't be a tad wishful about wanting to bring back to life something that was truly memorable and ended up instinct by progress? It is only naturally when thinking in fond terms about whatever to wish it was something you could resurrect.

I guess it is good that we can't do that. Memories are often so much better than reality. Which is only natural from my point of view.

It is hard though to recall every detail of a given fragment of memory. We can manage to overlook some details.

Then if and when we actually manage on some level to give life to what was dead, do we learn the truth. Which is that life sucks and the things that time made us think were perfect, weren't.

And you know what? No matter how many times we accept that or suffer from such efforts to be life to the past, we still keep trying.

Why? Because we are convince the next time it will work. Yep, no matter the failures, dog gone it, tomorrow will be different.

And by golly, I salute such optimism and industry. Yep, we should be darn proud that we are such suckers for hoping that past will be even better if we try it a second time.

This is to me the fundamental element of our basic nature. We love to dream. And that is a good thing.

Providing we remember it is a dream. Making reality out of fantasy can really be so hard. It can just rivet us with frustration.

Which is why I love when you can be extra creative with how you change fantasy into reality. That is the part that really counts.

It isn't the dream, it is that saggy model of clay we call a vase that matters. Oh yeah, it is lovely. Okay, it looks like crap, but you know if you squint just right, ah, a masterpiece.

So here's to masterpieces one and all. The ones that are real and the ones we invent. Hopefully, they will both become something we can enjoy.

And if along the way it flops, well there is always tomorrow when today will be the past and we can invent new lies about it. That is the one nice thing about time, we can always erase the present with the right amount of squinting. Along with the perfect amount of pretending.

DREAM ON

Yes, yes, dream on. A perfect thought and resting place. Ah the mystery, the magic and it is all crap.

Okay the dreaming part might be magic, but living in fantasy just doesn't work in terms of paying the bills. I wish it did. And I wish fantasies were reality.

Well, it might be nice if some of them were. Not sure we would be ready if all of them did. That would get too complicated when you think about it. I mean really, what if what you thought was a fantasy totally freaked everyone else out? I bet you haven't given that thought before have you? I didn't think so.

This is the problem I have with the basic way life works. There are too many depraved and sick minds in the world. Actually, those aren't really the big problem.

The big problem is the people who think they are sane. Yeah, the ones who believe they are normal. Those are the ones you have to worry about the most.

Why? Because generally they are the ones that are the most in need of help. I'm talking about they dude for example who looks harmless. Maybe you know, a bookworm type with a bow tie that you figure wouldn't hurt a fly.

The whole time he spends his night plotting new and creative ways to carve up people that piss him off. And naturally when this whole rash of murders take place in the city, NOBODY suspects this guy.

Now I ask you, if there was a way to allow a person to make their dreams come true do you want this maniac given his desires? Not unless you want to be on his shopping list of things to carve. No thank you.

See the other problem is that even the person YOU think is safe could be a raving loon. Oh yeah, even the person you think of as your best friend could be so darn evil and worse and you would never know it no matter how much time you spend with them.

So that is why I wanted to let old Uncle Rash point all of that out just in case you spend too much time with the I wish category. Trust me that harmless geek you see everyday is most likely a lot more dangerous than you imagine.

I do have to say I would enjoy having a shot as making my own fantasies come true. But with my luck that would get messy.

I mean it could get so hard to have the chance to all those women I am lusting for to cooperate. You know, that is without having the need to make them feel like you care about them. All that work is just too much effort. At least with a fantasy I can get want I want. Now I just wish I could figure out how I could make them more of reality on my own. Ah, such a chance to dream on.

A SECOND TOO MANY

There are some things in life where every second literally count. One second too many and you get a disaster.

I'm sure you can imagine a few possibilities. You know, for example if you were trying to disarm a time bomb. You wait one second too many and KABOOM. Sorry, I lack the ability to ad sound effects. But you can just shout it out if it makes you feel better.

There are always those occasions of time bombs in situations of life. We make a stupid decision that has potential consequences. But we don't want to face the consequences so we end up just pretending to not hear the ticking sound.

We don't even make an attempt to call the bomb squad. If we did that we would have to admit we were dumb and stupid and it was our fault because we were told not to assemble the darn thing, but we figured they were just kidding. So in order to avoid looking like an idiot, we just risk the thing blowing up and the whole time make up lies to hope somehow the darn thing won't explode. Of course we both know how that works, don't we?

Now, what I've done is from my view to explain human nature. Something that probably has been that way for ages and as a result we needed politicians for leaders. After all if you are going to build time bombs and pretend they don't exist, you need leaders skilled enough to lie so you can feel good about being stupid.

Plus you need politicians because since they don't have any souls or hearts, they won't feel upset about your getting blown up and need to look around for a replacement. It is simple isn't it?

I see it all as a simple and common sense approach to this whole thing. People need a balance to help them be cushion over the fact that they are inept and will never be otherwise.

And really who is more skilled, more capable of making you feel good about yourself even if you only have a second left to live than a politician? In fact I think all those who fly for the airlines, drive buses or captain ships ought to start out as politicians. That way if the plane starts roaring into a nose dive they can at least lie to you and say it is no reason to panic. That everything is fine.

See, if people listened to me, they wouldn't live in longer. In fact they might get so indifferent to their time bomb blunders they would die sooner. Only they would just feel so much better in the process. I call that helpful.

I won't say what others might call it. Some people are just not open minded to the experience. Which is why we need lawyers and used car salesman to take up the slack. Lying can be so exhausting. So you do have to have a break once an a while. You can thank me later for the help.

FOREVER TILL THE EXIT SIGN

I hate when I have to go to some convention or meeting in another town where I have to drive there. Flying isn't so bad despite the hassles of security and what not. At least I get a chance to hit on the stewardess. Which if I luck out means I end up with a whole different form of first class flying that I truly don't mind.

Anyway, there are those occasions when I get stuck having to travel some event by car. I don't mind the whole car deal in terms of getting away from city hall, I just hate how long it takes to get there with nothing to really do, but drive.

Oh I know, I can listen to the radio and watch the landscape, but that doesn't exactly satisfy. I do get all excited if I see some cute hottie of a hitchhiker that I can give a ride, but that seldom happens to my liking.

The only possible redemption comes from having my cell phone handy. I know you aren't supposed to use them while driving, but so far I haven't notice that keeping people from doing it. So I do manage occasionally to get the time to pass that way too.

In the meantime, my goal is to make this period that seems to last forever, end as soon as possible with distraction. And the only real positive way I've found is to allow myself the wonderful joy of daydreaming.

Oh there are several categories in which this works best. Actually the obvious are frankly the least helpful. Lust just is too distracting and stimulates in the wrong way.

Now for me, the best option is greed. Yep, I can use the time to sooo enjoy imagining some plot I can create making me rich.

And let me tell you when I finish that, I'm truly savoring the moment. It is just a joy to sail down the road thinking I'm a god in terms of having power over people.

Why before I know it I feel so darn good that I don't even think about the road at all. Which is the whole point.

Of course the added benefit is when I am have the chance to spend time turning that whole process into a case of giving some speech where I claim I spent the time thinking of ways to help my fellow man. Now that truly makes me smile.

It is partly true naturally. The only part I don't happen to mention is that the fellow man I'm trying to help, is me.

I see no reason to not bother those people with that detail. After all what happens on the road is one of those things that can stay a blur.

Meanwhile, if I work it right, I get a chance to impress people with what a good person I am and also plot a new way to steal from folks. Hopefully, i get it all done before seeing the exit sign.

OVER AND GROUT

I hate repair people. I didn't use to. I think it is an acquire taste or passion, I'm not sure which at the moment.

All of this is just a transition in my thinking that took place recently. Mainly after having been stupid enough to presume that just because a person ran an add in the yellow pages that he knew what he was doing.

How stupid of me to think that would make sense. And being the idiot that I am, I just thought there was some reason to think nobody would advertise incompetence. Whoa was I wrong.

It all started naturally when I had the joy of having my wife decide our bathroom was unworthy of her presence. It was humble little room, never demanding that much attention.

Then, thanks to those darn magazines with perfect homes, yeah you know the ones I'm talking about. Yep, those. The ones with the stupid photos of all these rooms that have furnishings and other crap costs a fortune. Right, now you now what I'm talking about.

Well there I was, my wife shoving this magazine in my face and showing me this dream bathroom. I mean come on, bathrooms are great, but do they need to look like they belong in a palace?

I didn't think so. But try telling my wife that she can't live without Italian marble flooring. Man, we don't even speak the language, let alone have an Italian ancestry in our family.

And so I did what most husbands do that like to pretend they are the king of their castle, but in reality are merely serfs to the queen, I gave in. Only I tried to do what I could to save a buck. I mean love is one thing, but I see no reason you can't do it without going bankrupt.

That is when I thought finding an affordable remodeling contractor was a good option. God, how was I supposed to know that affordable meant dumb and stupid as well as incompetent? They sure didn't bother to mention that in their ad.

And I didn't find it out tell it was too late. That means in terms of after wasted two months without them finishing and then when they did dream didn't describe the end product.

Somewhere in my moments of frustration and insanity I managed to survive. Not before spending way too many nights savoring visions of my hands on one overweight, cigar chewing jerk of a lying, dumb ass contractor.

In the end, we survived and we didn't get a new bathroom. Slightly less than as ornate as my wife imagined, but at least the tile is on the floor this time an not on the toilet seat.

DOWN UNDER

Now some might think that refers to Australia. And it can. But for me it represents that place I find myself when I have ended up trying to hard to forget my miseries at the local bar. Yep, down under at that point it is when I'm lying down under some table, totally wasted.

And to be honest that is not always a joy, but it isn't always bad either. It mainly depends upon how much I end up being trampled upon by the waitress or the drunks who haven't yet joined me under the table.

In reality there are times when I find this experience quite enlightening. I don't know, sitting under some table and looking up at all the gum sticking the bottom of the table is very inspirational when you are so drunk you can't walk!

It is so incredible what thoughts the mind can dredge up in such conditions. I even wrote a haiku once in that condition, but by the time I got through it was more like a dirty limerick. But then I'm not too worried about trying to get it published.

Meanwhile, I do enjoy the times that I am able to savor each opportunity to let the pearls of inebriation flow through my mind. And let me tell you at the time I think them they seem absolutely brilliant.

Later, providing I've written them down, I have to admit the don't necessarily look that brilliant. Well that is providing I can even read them and that doesn't happen very much.

So I have to content myself with just dazzling the fellow bar flies with my genius. They always seem to look at what I write as brilliant.

Now the big trick I guess is how do I get these people to come out and tell the world about my greatness? The main problem is a lack of being able to contact them.

But I might consider you know, getting a few addresses next time I in the bar. That probably would be the best option.

That is providing I can get them to give me their address. Some of them would probably not be that inclined to want to give you there address.

Most are incline to figure you are going to sell them something. And if you aren't a beer salesman, they aren't interested.

So that limits my opinions. Unless I can figure a way to work up some extra beer as a bribe.

Till then, I just have to satisfy my philosophic urges while drinking by settling for keeping myself entertained with them. Later, when the booze problem is solved I'll work on building a bigger group of fans.

RESCUE ME

I would love to shout this some times. Not that anyone would be likely to care or listen, but I would sure enjoy it if it made any difference.

Adding to my joy is the dutiful experience of being so often a designated deliverer myself. After all, I a city Mayor, man of the people, YADDAH, YADDAH, YADDAH.

And all of that is how I find myself in the position of so often being surrounded by drowning people (in their minds) who presume I have an unlimited supply of life preservers. Oh I can sit and show them the empty box where I used to have life preservers, that I paid for and never got paid back.

Do these people actually notice or care? Nope, it is pass the life preserver, help me, help me, gulp, gulp, gulp.

I know I being a tad silly I suppose, but honestly, it really is a problem at times. People's expectations are sooo unrealistic in that regard.

I am a lifeguard at times, but I'm sorry I can't work miracles like parting the red sea. The miracles department is over in Washington located in a building with an unmarked address that we aren't allowed to give out.

Meanwhile, back in the land of reality, I'm doing what I can to try and keep people focused on life as it actually exists. There are no magic rainbows raining perfection on the land.

Angels do exists, but they aren't on call according to our whims. They are occasions when the good Lord does intervene in life, but he has an unlisted phone number and heaven normally doesn't guarantee he will return phone calls.

So we somewhere between the lies and fantasies we grope in hopes of finding life preservers no imaginary they happen to be. If we find them, wonderful.

If we don't then we just find a substitute. Hopefully, it won't be a anchor instead. Those kinds of surprises do not bring any smiles.

Only trying to get people to appreciate that is sometimes very difficult if they did mistake an anchor for a life preserver. It is generally too late when they do that.

All you can do at that point is just keep smiling and move ahead, hoping some noise will drown out the person's cries for help before they actually drown. Yep, life can be so tough at times.

And the big key is doing your best to avoid walking too close to the water when others are drowning. That way you avoid any guilt and you can savor just being you without even worrying about life preservers.

QUEEN FOR A DAY

There used to be this program on television where they took a ordinary housewife and made her feel like queen for a day. They would listen to a bunch of sad stories and then pick the most pathetic to be the queen.

These days with so much of a deal about alternative life styles, I doubt they could limit this kind of program just to women. Well that is a headache for the fundamentalist I guess.

But I will say in principle it was a great idea. It gave hope to people and that is always a good thing.

We sort of transcended that kind of hope to a degree when we moved to all those game shows. Then it became a case of not expecting a sob story, but that everyone had a chance to play. Seems fair to me.

I just wish there was a more creative way to expand this whole concept. True we do our best with things like government assistance, but the bureaucrats always take the fun out of the whole thing. Somewhere the idea came across that you can have charity and have fun at it too.

What would be wrong with making people go to say comics school and do a little act before they got any help? Hey, the old folks on social security might really go for, they have lots of free time as it is.

I think if we were to get behind this whole idea of making it fun, it would definitely improve things from my point of view. Oh yeah, then we could maybe sell tickets or make a video and that would give us a break on the cost.

I know about a talent contest. Most talented poor person gets an extra amount in their assistance envelope.

Gosh, why is it that nobody ever seems willing to approach these things from a good point of view. Come on, let's be creative and inventive and most of all, entertaining.

I just feel that when we don't give that part any consideration it just makes everything do predictable. And do we really need more boring stuff in the world?

So come on folks, let's get behind this laugh, assistant recipient, laugh. We can even issue clown costumes to really make it work.

I wonder if you know, we could find one of those little cars where you get a dozen clowns to come out of it. Now that would sure spice up the lines at the unemployment office.

Yeah, it is hard to be creative when so many seem to lack a sense of humor. I guess we need to work on that first as if government wasn't enough of a joke already.

THE DISGUST OF A LACK OF LUST

I think I've bantered this subject around enough to be honest and say that it is a part of life we can't deny if were are honest. Which is fine, if people would stop pretending they never have any lust in their life.

I guess I'm being redundant on this subject, but it just seems to be sticking in my mind recently. It was probably triggered by having spent too much with Reverend Anable and his Moral Priority.

They are probably as much fun to spend time with as a depressed undertaker if you can imagine such a thing. But I guess you get the idea that fun isn't exactly their forte huh?

Anyway, this last week there were having this revival of sorts. It was a zealous effort to restore what they call family values to our current society they consider in spiritual decay.

Perhaps this is a weird observation, but it seems to me if there was no lusting going on in the first place there would be no families. Some might disagree, but when you and your partner are in the mood for romance I doubt you are thinking in terms of them having a wonderful mind right?

So how come these clowns make it sound like those thoughts are the end of the world. In their incredible leap of logic they go from simple lust to all women ending up prostitutes and men becoming perverts. Isn't that just so comforting to imagine? Scary is more like it if you ask me, which I'm sure you didn't.

At least I do have the comfort that once I have let them bore me with their lectures on the perils of depravity and glories of abstinence they generally leave me alone. So far I have been fortunate in that they haven't managed to discover how I spend some of my nights.

Okay, I do confess that I manage to treat lust as an emotion or desire that needs attention. And to that end I give it lots and lots of attention on some nights.

I won't bore you with the details, just to say, although I don't consider it to be the only think in life it isn't the least either. I count things such as making money as being important too.

Somewhere way down on my scale of priorities is the issue of other things like well, family values. That is because families seem to work things out for themselves without the need of my valuing what they do.

Instead, I prefer to do my part to be sure certain housewives are given a chance to enjoy life. It seems the least I can to for the sake of all those voters our there. Plus I'm being practical. After all, I figure their husband have worked out that problem at work, so I'm just doing my part to be sure the housewives are treated with equality. I consider that being thoughtful. I won't mention what others call it.

LUST, LUST AND MORE LUST

I'm continuing my special focus on that most basic of desires, lust. Yep, I call it a basic desire. Some others would give it a different definition.

Isn't it wonderful how you can have places like bakeries and donuts shops that cater to gluttony and nobody thinks it is a big deal. Even though it is bad for your health and all, they are still legal.

However, if you were to apply that same type of effort to creating a place to buy something for a lust craving, whoa! Talk about people freaking out.

Well, not all people. Probably just the ones that can afford that kind of shopping and are jealous of those that can.

Of course then you also have the folks who feel such places would be disgraceful since that is the sort of thing you are suppose to satisfy the need through marriage. Does that really happen? I guess some times. But from what I've seen it isn't quite the perfect solution some might suggest.

Now maybe I've just had the misfortune of seeing only the down side of marriages. Perhaps there is a place somewhere that all the truly happy people live and they aren't talking. Why would they?

Who is going to mess up heaven by inviting the rest of us to live there? That would truly ruin the place.

So as a result, the rest of us end up in places where we get to pretend that marriages are perfect. Lying always help.

In the meantime, people are running around in the shadows playing footsie and snickering about taking care of the lust deal in a practical way. It does seem they manage to find plenty of helpers too. Well some do at least.

If you ask me it is all a bit of silliness. You just can't keep up this kind of stupidity without somebody going insane sooner or later.

And when that happens people all sit back, shake their heads and go "tsk, tsk, tsk." Now on the surface that is their way of showing their disapproval for the fact that somebody went crazy an ran off to wherever with somebody else.

But secretly they are envious and sort of rooting for the person. The whole time wishing it was them.

So go ahead and keep telling me that you are happy being full of lust and never getting it satisfied. Sure, I'll believe it. Why not, I'm a politician. I'm use to being told all kinds of things that aren't true that I say I believe in order to get votes.

LUST IS BETTER THAN RUST

If you were to pay attention to the prevailing moral thinking in some circles they would imply that we should somehow all have an erotic lobotomy. And naturally, if you disagree they have a better solution. All they want is to have your head kiss a guillotine. Only just before it does they want to be sure you know how much they love it, which is why they are going to put you out of the misery of thinking any erotic thoughts.

Okay, you can say I'm exaggerating. But you know the problem is that there are really some places that this would be far too true. And that is the scary part.

Speaking for myself, I just accept that fact that we all have pulse and as long as we the heart is beating then we are going to be horny. I sure don't mind admitting that is for me a good test of knowing you are still alive.

And if the day comes when I stop getting the hots after some cute gal walks by I think I check and make sure my name is not in the obituaries. Because that is no doubt where it would be if I stop reacting that way.

Which I perhaps exaggerate a tad because of the lamebrain puritan moral police that want to somehow put a chastity belt on all our hormones. Like that would ever work.

It doesn't prevent them from trying. And what happens when you, shall we say, dam up the old erotic plumbing? You know that place where the reproduction juices are suppose to flow.

I'll tell you what happens, you get an industrial case of rust. Yep, the kind of disgusting pollution that rots your brain. Another term for it from my point of view is sexual frustration.

I've seen a lot of that in my day. People who have an inch they can't scratch and try to pretend everything is okay.

And their lips my be talking about the merits of abstinence, but let me tell you their gonads are screaming, "god give me a break and find a date." Only they will never tell you that.

Meanwhile for those of us who are sane and have stop kidding ourselves, we just do what we can to smile and plot. Yeah I said plot.

If you live in a place that keeps "food" lock up and tells you that you can live without it, then sooner or later you're going to get so hungry that you'll be figuring a way to steal some. And when you look upon life as a preserve where you go hunting, only the prey is the type that doesn't really mind being caught, considering the weapon you are going to use, then I going hunting.

As for the rest of you, just enjoy whatever works for you. If I don't see you at the motel, then I'll be thinking of you. Well, kind of.

WHY FOR?

That is perhaps not the best form of English, but I imagine plenty of us have thought that question at one time or another. Why for works for me. It is the probing in a casual way into those darn things that seem to poke us in the eye and we hate it.

Why for covers a whole host of things we just can't figure out because we probably don't really want the answer anyway. And isn't it wonderful of me to invest the time rambling about such a valuable topic?

When you take time to study it I think the why fors of life are really rhetorical in nature. We are actually expecting an answer and if there is an answer we would probably not care to really delve that much passed the why for.

This is all an exercise in rambling naturally, which is to prove one point. Not every question deserves or needs an answer.

And the bigger a question is in terms of being vague, the more we turn to people we can blame for not providing the answers that aren't there in the first place. Hey, we all need to blame somebody for the problems of life. It seems to work for most people.

When in doubt a politician is a nice option for someone to blame. It is always a safe direction to point the finger.

Even if the politician didn't mess things up, he probably did something wrong, so what the heck, go ahead and say it is all YOUR fault. Ah, doesn't that feel better. I thought so.

Does any of this result in anyone actually getting an answer to the why for? Probably not, but at least we know who is suppose to be yelled at for the mess.

Isn't that just so special? I doubt too many people are very uncomfortable blaming some leader for all the mistakes in their lives. What a joy to know something you screwed up in your life was really somebody else's fault. Oh yeah, that is such a blessed experience.

But you know what, even politicians are able to do this. After all we have so many that you can always muster at least one deserving of saying is at fault for some blunder. It just feels so good as a politician to point the finger at another sucker and tell some angry voters, "go and get him!"

I do pity the poor guy who runs out of people to blame for his screw ups. Why that is almost unAmerican from my view.

However, I can live with it as long as it doesn't happen to me. And even when I do run out of real people, there are always the wonderful "they" I can blame. Which is even better since they don't exist anywhere that they can fight back. No concerns over revenge makes the whole thing so much more pleasant to lie about. Which is another why for that I will savor and not mention to others.

WHAT NOT

This is so often one of those catch all phrases I think. What not is, well, crap. You know junk we don't want to throw away in case some day we need it even though we know we really never will. Yeah, that kind of what not.

Now, junk really ought to mean junk. But I have to admit in our disposable society sometimes it seems to apply to things like, um, people.

I'm speaking of people, who in the minds of others, have for one reason or another come to be viewed as no longer having an value. That is kind of harsh view I suppose, but it is closer to the truth I think than we are really willing to admit.

Okay, so what if we approach this thing from the standpoint of asking how do we turn some discard being into something worthwhile again. I suppose you could try to recycle them. But honestly, stuffing somebody in a car crusher just is so messy, not to mention painful. So that option is out.

Which is probably how I'm trying to make my point. The big problem is essentially that we don't want to change the cycle of supply and demand.

When you have issues like unemployment and also the affluent who have no intentions of sharing you naturally are going to get complications in terms of recycling any live. The poor already have too many problems fighting to survive and the rich are too busy staying rich to want to worry about worn out souls.

But we can admit that reality, so we conjure up whatever host of social programs we can muster to create the impression that we truly care. It sounds good at least, doesn't it?

Despite my basic nature towards being more of a user than a giver, I will confess I do look upon this as sort of challenge. Anybody can come up with programs to help the albe bodied. That's too easy.

What we need is more programs for the benefit of the people we might otherwise want to simply forget about. I think you just never know what kind of results we might get if we gave this enough thought. I'm willing to try,

Within reason naturally. I mean goodness and help does need to have some boundaries after all. We want to help, but we sure don't want it be to painful.

Perhaps that is part of the solution. We need a better incentive program of reward the people who try to help.

Then the problem is that you have to figure in where you get the funds. Ah, we could accept donations. Er, I guess that has been done to death hasn't it. Well, never worry, I'll think of a good what not solution for what not people we prefer to think stop existing. Eventually, no doubt, but no promises.

AVOIDING TALES

Despite my special love of stretching the truth till it is so distorted that nobody can recognize it, there are times when even I have a need to just avoid lies. It might be hard to believe, but it is true.

See, for me is it like lies can be a form of sugar. There are times when you just get tired of desserts.

You know like when you stuff yourself with donuts and crap on some late night snack and then wake up the next morning feeling like you have a trash can in your mouth. Plus you have no energy and wish you could do anything to stop feeling so darn yucky.

Not telling the truth can be like that on occasions. The mind just gets bogged down with too many stabs of guilt.

So in order to maintain your sanity you have a time of purging where you actually tell the truth. Oh it never lasts, just like dieting, but for a while it works.

And then once you've got it out of your system it is time for the lies again. Which is like when you go off a diet, totally glorious!

The big challenge during those terrible times when you feel a need for honesty is to avoid people you normally lie to. That is really important.

It just is not a good idea to spend time with people you otherwise like to when you are in a mood for telling the truth. They might come to expect it all the time and that would be a disaster.

The best solution is to sneak off somewhere that you only meet strangers. That way you can enjoy blabbing to your heart's content and not worry about what you say.

Which satisfies you need to be stupid in terms of saying the truth without any risks. But the problem is there are times when that mood strikes and you get stuck somewhere that you are only around people who you know.

Then you next option is to try and only talk about things where you would tell the truth anyway. Say, like, er, well maybe the weather or criticizing people you all hate. That is a good dodge.

But should the occasion arise that you have to talk about some subject you can afford to risk telling the truth about like the money you suck out of the budget, you still can escape disaster by asking the person's opinion. If you are lucky and show an interest in the other person even though you don't care about them you can manage to avoid talking altogether.

Those are just a few helpful hints from old Uncle Rash. Here's to honesty with wisdom of not having to tell it in the wrong situations.

TINKERING

I had this uncle whose idea of tinkering was to take things apart that weren't in need of repair and see if he could improve them. That might have been an admirable notion if he actually made them better, but it never worked out that way.

We were lucky if he even managed to remember how to put the things back together. And after a while we always made sure we never left him alone at our house so he didn't have the chance to do any tinkering.

At his house, naturally, with so many items in his house lying around in disrepair it was like visiting some junkyard. Just finding a place to sit was a challenge, which is part of the reason why we seldom visited his house.

I presume that for those in the mindset to tinker they generally have a more uplifting approach to this subject. I can only hope that is the case.

But I think that with people prone to tinker it really is hard to predict their attitude towards gadgets. It might be that perhaps most are like my uncle, which could definitely be scary.

That is of course an essential ingredient in tinkering you understand. It must involve gadgets. Something that you can touch with your hands and has plenty of screws and other items that you have to either tighten or loosen.

It should also have some kind of motor. And having any time of electrical function helps too. Oh and lest we forget it should definitely also make some kind of sound so you know when it is working. That too is very important.

The other more essential element is that this tinkering should never in any way be on something essential to life. That is because tinkers need plenty of time to tinker. You can rush this process.

If you do it might never get working again. The fact that it normally never gets working again is irrelevant you understand. In that regard it is the principle of tinkering that counts.

Now I have invested most of this tinkering posting to deal with the obvious forms of tinkering. But let us not forget the more subdued forms. Like the ones practiced by political leaders.

Only they never call them tinkering. They are new programs for progress. However, if you look at them closely, they do often end up having the same type of labor results as tinkering.

My interpretation you understand. But it is something that I am grateful for. After all, if it wasn't for that kind of tinkering I might have to do some real work as a Mayor.

GIMMIE A

I remember when I was in high school how I watched the cheerleaders with lust totally consuming me. They were really good at cheerleading, but you can be darn sure that I didn't care about them cheering from some touchdown. The only scoring I wanted them to cheer for with me would have been in the back seat of a car.

Well at least that would have been my dream. Unfortunately, I never got to nail a cheerleader while in high school. I didn't play sports so I lost out to the jocks.

But the great thing was later. Ah, the sweet bye and bye. That is when the cheerleaders were not bored housewives and old Rash baby was there to comfort them when their ox of a former athlete was off working at his job.

Oh yeah, that was a time for cheering alright. And I did manage to get the to do a little cheering. I can't quite give the details though. See, there is a change one of those gorillas of their husbands might read this and I don't care to have a visit from them. Any guy with no neck and whose knuckles are dragging on the floor is not somebody I want to see in my office.

Naturally it gets a little complicated when this big ape is a voter. So I do have to be careful to see them if they show up at my office. I can't just assume they have come by to rearrange my body parts.

So I generally have to gauge by their reaction when they show up. If for example they come by and scream my name to my secretary (which is definitely for a different reason that their wife would while I was comforting them) then I can safely assume they are not there just to say hi.

In which case, I have to play the old Rash, duck and dodge. That is where I make them think I'm in some other part of the building and while they run off looking for me and probably eat a chair in the process, I race for the exit.

Then on my way out I call security and let that one guard who loves to take on gorillas get a chance to bag another one. Oh yeah that is a real Kodak moment when he zaps him with a stun gun and then calls the cops.

Meanwhile, as they come and haul his butt off to the pokey I am racing over to his house. There is no better time to visit his wife than when the monster is behind bars.

Ah those are the times of even better cheerleading since we don't have to worry about the jerk showing up by accident. I tell you there are moments in life that really give you a reason to want to cheer. And for me it is just too bad the best ones I can't even give details on.

But then I suppose it is far wiser to simply speak in general terms. At least it is healthier than the other options of ending up with missing limbs.

HOPE ON A ROPE

You ever see those pieces of soap made in the shape of whatever and then hung on a rope to put in the shower? They're kind of clever. And I guess very popular in some places, but not sure where.

Which gave me sort of an inspiration. Well at least the idea of a way to make a buck and that I call inspiration.

So my idea is why not make the soap into an image that could embody hope. That seemed like it would be a nice thing to get all soapy about in the shower.

I think a shower is after all a very important place for looking at the world with hope on your brain. After all why would you go to all the trouble to get all clean if you didn't expect things to get better than they are? It is kind of an act of faith if you will. Just an effort of sorts to say in our own modest way, "hey, things are going to be already and I want to be clean in order to face them."

Okay, perhaps some might think I'm making more of this than it deserves. I don't know, it just seems like any time you can find a reason to be happy or positive that is a good thing.

And if you can do it while washing you cute little body then isn't that a good thing too? So come on, let's give this idea some merit. We can do it. Yeah, soap for a smile, that's as good a name as any if you ask me, which you probably aren't going to.

To even add to the joy, one could make this soap in different scents and colors along with images. Oh I know they already do this to some degree, but I'm talking a big time choice of alternatives.

Perhaps a special hope on a soap order kit. Where you could mail away you request for whatever form you think would appeal to you the most.

Then you would have the joy of waiting for it to arrive. Afterwards, stroll off to shower land with your little hope on a rope for a few minutes of watery heaven. Hey, I think that has potential as a slogan or ad.

Maybe I'll invest some time in tinkering with a possible catalogue. And then I can also come up with a really good title.

I'm thinking that a nice title would be "Rash's Hand Jobs." Er, that's just off the top of my head you understand.

But the nice thing, just like life, it all comes out in the wash so to speak. At least I got the idea started. Now all I have to do is wait for the right inspiration to come along to turn this idea into a gold mine. Hopefully it won't end up another vacuum that sucks me of money. Alas, the risks of dreaming are always the same.

AIN'T IT A SHAME

Have you ever said this and naturally were really serious about even caring if it was a shame? I know I have.

Normally, this happens to me with problems I hear about, but could care less about. However, I can tell the person who is letting me know that is how I feel.

I might be an insensitive creep, but it doesn't mean I enjoy telling others that. I do have an image to maintain even if it isn't my real image.

In reality, even though I am a Mayor, I can fix a lot of problems. That doesn't keep people from thinking otherwise.

So that means I have to deal with a steady stream of whiners who are mad at the world and want justice. Of course most of the time I can do absolutely nothing to give them justice.

That is one of the problems, which is hard for some people to understand. They get really pissed off about something they feel is illegal and yet in the gray muck called the law, some things just simply aren't wrongs you can prosecute.

So you have people who think a given injustice is a crime. And since they have never dealt with that issue before, they have no clue that there is no way the cops are going to even take a report on the wrong.

When that happens they will come and knock on my door. Like I can in some way rewrite the law while they wait to be sure they get what they want.

Oh yeah that is going to happen. Just try explaining to them though. They don't want to hear any facts that end up with any answer other than them being told I can fix their problem.

Well, it all makes for a few good yawns. Not big ones you understand, just enough to help ease me into a nice nap after the person leaves.

Ah, it is a shame. I mean that I have to wait till the person leaves before I get around to napping.

I did try that once when the person was still in my office. Trust me I learned not to do that again.

And I am grateful for how life does move on. Maybe some day I'll even manage to reach a point where I can avoid these kinds of conversations altogether.

No doubt not while I am Mayor. That would be too much to hope for. Which is one of those ain't it a shame situations I have to live with, but nobody says I have to like it.

PASSING LANES

Passing seems to me to be something that has different meanings in one's life. There is the passing that comes from passing tests. Then there is the type of passing where you pass a kidney stone. Ouch! Or perhaps it is whew!

Be that as it may, the most popular type perhaps is passing in your car. And we even accommodate such drivers by making a special lane just to give them a chance to whiz by.

It is a pity we don't make lanes for other kinds of passing. Why? Well why not? I don't know, perhaps so we could define what genuinely qualifies as passing.

I know you are probably shaking your head and wondering what kind of stupid subject this is for a posting? Well, let me remind you my friend, you are the one reading it, so what does that say for you? Huh, huh, huh?

Okay perhaps that really is more than anything at the core of my thinking on this. We need to allow for so many types of possibilities on so many different levels in life. Because regardless of how absurd something my seem to you or me, to somebody it is probably life or death.

Now I know you are probably going to question how having a host of passing lanes for anything imaginable really counts? I can appreciate you response, but again do you or can you savor every morsel of thought for the rest of the world? I didn't think so.

Which is why I want you to leave it to your old Uncle Rash to guide you to the greater awareness of pure freedom. A genuine celebration of individuality that is expressed through the perfect euphoria of being.

All of which is my way of saying sometimes you just have to allow for crap if you expect to get anywhere. Ah-hah, that is passing.

Now you see what you would have missed if you didn't embrace the higher level of thoughts? Well okay, perhaps dementia doesn't necessarily qualify in your mind as a form of passing lane.

Okay, be nit-picky and see if I care. Because, well I probably don't and I know you probably don't either. Which is why we all understand that true freedom is simply more than anything about not giving a crap about anything.

Er, kind of sort of I suppose. Well close enough to work for me. I didn't say it necessarily would work for you, but ain't it wonderful when it does?

At least you can smile and say you get it even if you don't. We all have the right to be stupid and pass on anything we want, even passing lanes. Everybody got that? I thought not!

BARGAIN DAYS

Ah, there really is such a joy to have that panic flowing through the veins and know how time is working against you. It just really makes the heart pound with anticipation over the lust of getting something for nothing or a real bargain in terms of a sale.

To me this just makes me extra jealous. Because I don't have the option of one day sales as a Mayor. I wish I could.

Oh I suppose I could sell off or perhaps I should say rent some part of the city. Maybe a few employees, but in terms of some major once in a lifetime deals, forget it.

Which brings me to the wonderful issue of what if government could operate like a business. You know have a few moonlight sales in terms of corruption.

Just come on down to the local city hall folks about midnight and we'll strike a deal. And for the first fifty customers we'll toss in a get out of jail free card or a life time supply of parking tickets fixed. Now I call that a real bargain.

But do you think people would embrace that kind of liberal thinking in government? I have a feeling too many would say no. Which is a shame, because I already have a price list printed up just for such occasions.

However, so far I have been unable to use this list. And that grieves me to know end whenever I see an ad about some big sale. I just keep thinking, gee how come I can't get a chance to do the same with the government.

I really think a rent a bureaucrat wheel deal would have lots of appeal. Honestly, we are always griping about way the government works or fails to work.

So why not stop pretending it will ever get better? Come on folks, let's live a little. Let's take that sack of money have a nice auction. With every politician being for sale for the highest bidder.

Darn, I guess we already have those option don't we? Well, perhaps we need a way to give the poor working man an option.

Which would occur with bargain bribe night. That has such a nice ring to it if you ask me. Ah, it would be so glorious from my point of view.

Imagine the possibilities? For a nice competitive bid you could be king for a moment. Perhaps long enough to really do something fun.

And if not, well you could certainly manage to sneak off with some government secrets and sell them back for a reasonable fee. Bet you didn't think of that option did you.

But I suppose it is all to dream. And who knows, maybe one of these days people will actually be willing to give it a try. Judging by the find job the government has been doing, I can appreciate how it might happen sooner than later. It is to dream.