SPECIAL MOMENTS

I guess I’m sort of in a mood to think about all things special right now. So I’ve decided to spent a few postings on the subject. (Plus it is a good excuse so I don’t have to think of a good subject as much too.)

Which in terms of reflections and inspiration makes this a specials moment for me. Now my last posting was about special memories. For me that is one of those “you can share it” situations.

Special moments on the other hand in my situation are always something you can share. That is because a special moment for me is one where I get revenge. And the best kind of revenge is one that totally humiliates somebody without them knowing I made it happen. If it makes them look completely stupid with nobody to blame then I call that a truly special moment.

Oh it does take lots of planning to come up with such moments. Which is why they are special obviously. But let me tell you when you accomplish one and some enemy is left totally emotionally scarred by the process then it really feels so darn good.

Now the big trick is being patient. Most people expect immediate forms of revenge. So you can’t just run out and do this right away. You have to let them thing they got away with it in order for them to not be on the defensive.

The hard part for me is letting my emotions cool. And I accomplished that by reminding myself in call it a fantasy or promise perhaps, but that there will be a “special” moment coming later.

Please spare me any rhetoric about forgiveness and how vengeance is reserved for the man upstairs. That might work for some people, but I have to deal with all the miserable and corrupt snakes out there. They probably don’t even know that part about vengeance since their view is beat the snot out of anyone who crosses them.

That is why I love to take on that approach of figuring out what the person values the most and seeing that it is taken away from them. Believe it or not with a lot of people that is their reputation, which is normally nothing, but lies anyway.

I just use my buddy Hugo Muckraker to assist me in that regard. And if that doesn’t work I arrange for a phone call to the authorities where they come rushing in to expect the kinds of answers that makes you leave a yellow pool on the floor.

When it is all done naturally I end up with the simple joy of another special memory. And that is enough in some cases. Not all mind you. There are the ones where I need more. Normally if the jerk has a good looking wife then I try to shoot for that being a place for a special memory. Yeah I know, I’m a leech and a pervert. But it is one of those jobs I do best and I’m a firm believer in knowing that success comes from concentrating on what you do best.

SPECIAL MEMORIES

I have such mixed emotions on the issue of special memories. For some people I think special memories are the ones that they remember because something good happen. At least I would consider that to the be the case.

And for me in a way that is also true. The only problem is that my version of something good happening isn’t always the result of me having an experience that is legal. In that sense I regard my talent for piling up the crap and planning various cons to be an art form. Hey, I’ve got just as much right as anyone to love art if I want. Okay my idea is perhaps a tad different from the kind of expression that might end up in an art gallery, but I still think of it as being creative and that for me is what counts.

Unfortunately and for me it is the thing I have to constantly remember is that I can’t create a scrapbook of my special memories. It would hardly be the kind of album I could show off.

Still I do enjoy reflecting upon those glorious times when some difficult labor of my tongue did end up paying off in a way that even now gives me a smile. Which is why at times I do so wish I could create some form of edifice to store these moments. A place where it lay outside the statue of limitations.

I’m human enough to admit that if the part of my life that I could consider as signs of greatness could be put on display I would do it. After all I feel I have just as much right as the next person to boast. And who knows perhaps somebody would look upon the fruit of my craft and be inspired to go on and live a better life.

Hey don’t sneer when I say that. See I’m thinking of the concept here that somebody would see just how truly depraved I am and it would scare them into avoiding making the same mistake. Now wouldn’t that be a great service to my fellow man?

Alas I am restrained from such a good deed because of the unreasonable risk it would provide to my little behind. I just don’t feel inclined to face possible consequences from doing such a good deed. Martyrdom is not my preference.

That doesn’t keep me from wishing though. The idea that by having the glorious chance to inspire I might help some other soul from choosing my path. Naturally I do also have a greedy motive too. That is trying to cut down on the competition. So now at least you can understand. I can almost hear the heads nodding.

But while all of that might end with some noble result whereby I spared a few suckers from being victims, I can only dream. And while I’m dreaming I will use part of the time to concentrate on adding to my special memories. After all, the one thing you can never have enough of in life is special memories. In my case they have a dollar sign and do more to fill my wallet than my heart. Just don’t quote me though. I really can’t afford to allow the voters to hear about this. Which is why my blog like too many parts of my life can’t be shared where I live!

OVERCOMING VERSES OVERCOMPENSATION

Overcoming problems is something that can be very inspirational to others. Of course that sort of depends on what you overcome. You can overcome some hardship and people will admire you for it. But if you say try to overcome something such as the truth then well you might not look so good.

Now you might ask, who would try to overcome the truth? The answer is yours truly. I mean if I didn’t put all my energy into it people would find out what a scoundrel I really am and then I would be in big trouble.

Okay you might say, that is hardly a real form overcoming. But I think of it as such and believing me that kind of hard work at deception can be just as exhausting as doing good deeds.

I don’t wish to spend this entire posting though belaboring the issue of what constitutes an admiral from of overcoming. Mine works for me. In fact most things do if I lie about them enough.

But the thing is with your usual type of overcoming people are inclined to regard it as a good thing. Unless you go crazy about it in some way.

For example, let’s say you have some rags to riches story. That can draw a smile at times. However let’s propose that you did it illegally. Then it might not draw a smile.

Plus if you get really carried away and start stomping on the rest of the world in the progress that definitely won’t get any applause. Call it being fickle, but we love winners, but not greedy and evil ones. The devil may have a few admirers, but I doubt as many as the Lord. Er, I think you get the general idea.

So I guess my main observation is that be a winner and overcome whatever. Just if you are going to be insane about it have the good sense not to act too stupidly. If your idea of success is conquering the world you might want to tone down the ambition just a tad. Start small like conquering your block and see how it goes. A big clue that it isn’t going to well is if you have to execute all your neighbors in order to get your point across. That might be a good time to appreciate you lack of people skills.

Just a few words of suggestion to aid those inclined towards the types of ambitions that often end in something other than fan clubs. Just keep it at a level where you can be sure nobody is going to have cause to shout, “attack, attack, attack,” and you’ll probably be okay.

As for myself, well I’m still working on making sure I keep my overcoming at a level that give me enough of the things I want out of life without any personal risk. I’ll let the insane ones squander their energies in overcompensation. My idea of overcompensation is always related to dollar signs. Which is why to me as long as I overcome with the right kind of deception nobody will know how much I reap an overcompensation!

IN THIS WAY WE SHALL

I love this lead in to trying to guide the mentally blind and gullible off a cliff. Okay I’m being a tad negative I suppose. But whenever somebody is trying to rationalize that a given action will end is a given result I just naturally have a reason to cringe.

Call it having taste the fruit of disaster from such comments too often in the past. Now maybe it works better for others. I can’t say. I just know that it has sucked when I’ve been involved.

Plus I got to admit that I’ve gotten in the nasty habit myself of turning this phrase for the same sappy and dramatic effect. To stand up, well I guess in reality it is sitting at the platform during a council meeting and saying this. Normally it is when I’m trying to stir up the emotions over some lame idea I have that I hope will get me some extra means of sucking a few more bucks out of the city’s coffers. That’s real noble isn’t it? Would you expect otherwise from me?

And I have to confess I had training when it comes to using this phrase. I used to hear my grandfather use it when he was Mayor back during my childhood. Oh at the time being so naive I thought he was sincere too. What was really dumb was no matter how many times it turned out to be a joke, I still bought into it any time he used it.

I could excuse that as the consequence of being young and impressionable, but he still succeeded in getting away with it when I was fresh out of college. However at that point I had the capacity to finally “get it” and began using it myself.

I soon found it had very many potential benefits. I could use it on dates, professors, etc., etc., etc. You get the idea. That kind of feigned drama shows at least that I was giving a certain subject or issue some serious thought.

Naturally I wasn’t giving the thought that much serious reflection. But I did know how to look like I did. And that is part of the key. You have to embellish the phrase with the right facial gestures if you want it to be believed. A smile or grin just won’t cut it.

I just wish there were more occasions when all the drama and flare were intended for good purposes. But I suppose the good purposes have “merit” and so you don’t need to lie about them to inspire.

However somebody, like me, has to be a defender of the plots and thoughts that are less than noble. It isn’t a job everyone can do. And if you didn’t have somebody out there spewing forth the crap about pure crap then how would you know when something is really good? I’ll let you think about that one a bit.

In any case, I do enjoy the thrill of having the chance to find one more phrase I can insert as needed to bring to life some angle I have been working. It just keeps me filled with hope and joy for tomorrow. That is the hope I can reach it without having to answer to many questions about things I promised that don’t work out and at the same time joy when that becomes the reality.

WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU...

SCARED TO DEATH! I’m sorry, but that idea of whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger might sound great being said by an actor in a movie, but I think it is personally a load of crap! Okay maybe not all the time. There are good things that happen to people that definitely makes them either a lot happier or stronger. But there is a bunch of bad stuff that happens, which to me only leaves you with an uncontrollable need for a involuntary bladder reaction.

I think the principle on this thing might have merit. You know essentially that from every experience, especially the bad ones if you end up learning something then it was good thing. So if by stronger you mean potentially stronger then that is wonderful.

The key is of course the learning part. And if there is one thing I have come to appreciate is how often a disaster gives us a lesson we would rather forget. Which is why in some occasions it appears we get a serious case of industrial strength stupidity in terms of not repeating the same mistakes.

So I would like to amend the ideal of this phrase just a tad. Whatever doesn’t kill you make you ready to hopefully life long enough not to make the same mistake again.

Alright for those people out there that might say that is too verbose let me say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you a survivor! A real survivor to me is one who learns how to avoid repeating the same things that cause their disaster in the first place.

Now you might ask, what difference does any of this make? Well if you have to ask I got a feeling your mistake cycle is probably on rerun too often. No offense there bud, but perhaps you aren’t listening when it comes to knowing when it is time to do other than choose the option, which makes you look like a first class moron.

Too blunt for you? Then knock off proving me right! Okay, maybe I’m being a tad too extreme on this thing.

However the big deal for me as a politician is that this whole principal is for me a two-edged sword. Survivors of a political disaster can be wiser and more willing to try things different. But if they have too much pride then they can be so darn stubborn to ever accept they need to do things different. And frankly if I want to spend time with clowns I’ll join the circus, not invite one into my daily life!

In any case, the cycle of whatever kicks you in the ass will be there. We can learn from it, we can deny it, we can end up smarter from it or we can simply lie and pretend it won’t happen again.

And depending on the choice of my voters will depend if I have to somehow try next time to not make the same mistake if it means they will admit they noticed it. Lucky for me that is only a rarity where I live. From what I can see though it seems that the same holds true for a few other places too! Which definitely doesn’t kill me!

BIG NEWS, LITTLE DIFFERENCE

I love the way the evening news will start out its program with some “big news” story that gets your interests. Then they start in telling you all the other news than that particular story. In some circles that type of approach is called a hook. And it works great and hooking your attention so you will listen to everything else in order to satisfy your curiosity.

Unfortunately a lot of times it seems like this “big news” story ends up being something that really isn’t that important and makes little difference to life in general. Yet you know what? The guys in the news department will end up trying the same strategy tomorrow and it will work again. Boy we can be such suckers for things like that when our curiosity is involved.

Of course this truth about this type of aspect to the way we handle such curiosity bait is no secret. It is used in different ways by politicians, lawyers, salesman and just about anyone who dangles a carrot of gossip for us to grab at.

So if it is such a common known fact and something we all out to recognize easily why do we keep falling for it? That is perhaps why I thought I would mention it in a posting.

See the plain fact is that you can’t have it both ways. You can’t on the one hand have a natural desire to learn all the juicy gossip that is out there and at the same time avoid having somebody victimize you for that desire. This isn’t a perfect world and there are no perfect people. There are way too many mean spirit and greedy people perhaps, but certainly not that many truly good people (if any.)

And that for me is the reason why this whole technique is so darn successful. See whether we admit it or not, we love to find out when somebody did something wrong because it helps us feel better about ourselves. That is why so often the big news is to me more prone to be of a negative nature. If it were good about somebody who is successful where is the joy in that for us in terms of feeling superior.

Now while I say that I am aware that somebody might voice and objection in terms of things like us rejoicing over a person being something like a hero. But again that is an exception. It isn’t something that happens every day. So because it is rare we can pretend to be happy so we don’t have to admit that we really love hearing about some big bad news in order to feel better.

Before I confuse anyone or make this sound vague in some way, I just want to say, hurray! I think we should regard this activity as a good thing. Why? Well shoot folks why not? I mean if you strip away our curiosity what you get is terminal dullness. And that means a lack of creativity and a lack of the type of thinking that can lead to progress and change.

So I regard this type of hook, even if it brings no substantial difference in life as a evidence of hope. For as long as we remain curious, suckers or not, there is a chance for us as a people and race to keep asking the kinds of questions that lead to progress. And that for me will always be better than being brain dead!

WHAT'S FUN GOT TO DO WITH IT

There are times to be serious and others when it demands a smile and a wink. People who don’t know the difference are a pain in the butt to deal with from my point of view. I mean I sure as heck appreciate nobody would consider it a time for humor if you were dealing with something such as a natural disaster. But with some people it seems like the smallest issue is as serious as a natural disaster. Which ends up just wearing me out when I have to deal with them.

I appreciate that when it comes to humor we don’t all find the same things funny either. What cracks me up may in now way cause you to smile. Which is probably a good thing because there are times when my sense of humor gets totally fracture and the sickest things end up seeming funny.

Fortunately my politician’s butt doesn’t enjoy being put at risk so I have so far managed to avoid giving in to those urges. Otherwise I can imagine there would have been a few occasions when I might have so infuriated some people that they would have formed a lynch party.

Still there are those occasions when I just can’t help falling into a deep chasm of demented jocularity. (Okay I’m speaking of being utterly depraved and totally disrespectful in terms of what is tasteful humor.)

The only down side is that after I recover from some episodes and then venture into some part of the real world my mind is still in the “find the fun mode.” So I’ll sit in say a council meeting and we’ll be discussing some important issue. Well important in terms of our city or at least to somebody who lives here.

But that won’t keep my mind from wandering to the lunacy crossroads and asking myself “what’s fun got to do with it?” Essentially what I’m asking is “how do we turn this subject into something interesting for a change?”

In sillier moments I’ll even ask a question to hopefully open the door for some reply that will give the other person a chance to say something clever and humorous. I don’t mind playing the straight man if it gets the party started.

However in my city there is a sad shortage of decent comedians. I have yet to get anyone to take the bait and comeback with a decent one line that makes you at least smile.

I haven’t given up though. I’m still a believer that smiles are important in life. Otherwise it just seems you end up only seeing more shadows than sunlight. And you aren’t in the mood to look for the good in the bad.

That’s the Limburger philosophy for life I guess. It works for me even if I have had trouble finding enough others to join me in that arena of thought where I live.

Perhaps that will change someday though. One can always hope. Just like I can hope we will have a dress like a clown day for council meetings some time. I guess for now I’ll just have to settle for the rest acting the part.

KEEPING SCORE WITH THE TONGUE

There’s an old saying about making up the rules as you go along. It is one of those alternate ways of talking about lying or cheating. And I’m all for it. That for me is what keeping score with your tongue is all about.

I mean for a lazy person who lacks the legitimate qualifications to do most things I couldn’t function if I wasn’t able to lie about it. That is part of the reason I went into politics in the first place. It gave me plenty of opportunity to steal and lie and not have to work hard in the process.

Years ago I decided that this route was better for me than trying to go the corporate route. There was too much chance I might end up in a position where I would have to actually produce results. And for a guy like me that is one thing I definitely didn’t want to have to risk.

Actually I had given thought to not being sure, which was a better career choice for me. It was either politics or religion. I don’t want to piss off the bible thumpers, but frankly to be honest I think they would admit that among their ranks there are definitely a few television evangelists who are a little questionable in terms of their activities. Hey, all I can say is that my view of that isn’t one where I say all evangelists are that way, but from what I’ve seen a few at least have been exposed over the years for being something other than honest.

In any case, I decided to elect to choose the politics route. I just figured that if I messed up and got caught as a politician I would only manage to get in trouble with the law. I didn’t see any point of risking offending God too. Even though I don’t want to get on any spiritual detour here, I’m not inclined to want to get the Lord unhappier with me than he probably is already. I think that he likely is a little more inclined to want to get pissed at those who steal in his name than those of us who just steal in general. Call it being picky, but that was my thinking.

So here I am, a player on a small field and in the glorious position of being both umpire and player. Plus when I lie about the score, I can lie to the fans as well as the other players and even get paid for it! Now who can get a better deal than that?

And speaking of being a player that reminds me I got a big game coming up. Only this one isn’t going to take place in any stadium. If I’m really lucky it will take place in a motel room with only one other playing. Too bad I won’t be able to give the details of how the game turned out in a posting. But there is enough adult content in blogs already, I don’t want to try and compete with them.

The one good thing is that this kind of scoring is the type that once you get to the motel you know you are going to make it to home base and not strike out. Of course with my friends it wouldn’t matter anyway, because the way I keep score you know I would end up claiming I won no matter what happens.

And that folks is why I’ll always enjoy my version of sports, which I’m sure there are plenty of others who love to play the same way too. We just can’t always mention their names!

COUNTDOWN TO...

Time deadlines are a wonderfully addictive element for the mind. You can get totally obsessed with things like waiting, planning or any number of other aspects of clock watching. And while being impatient may not be regarded as an attribute, expectation in terms of looking forward to something great is sensation most people enjoy.

As a politician that little tidbit of knowledge about human nature truly is one that I appreciate and try to use whenever possible. And that for me is where the countdown part comes in.

I love to use the phrase “countdown to” in terms of some potential change. It conveys such wonderful illusion of control. I say illusion since I know and never bother to mention naturally how often some countdown if conditioned upon factors that can’t be controlled. And even if others are aware of this reality they still seem to thrive on the anticipation that we do have some capacity to determine the future.

Now I can’t speak for how this works in other places, but in my city the rule is the bigger the countdown clock the bigger the reaction. Hey it might be sappy and obvious, but it sure gets results. It is like when it is huge one is claiming I can control life nearly as good as god!

Okay I know that is dumb and stupid, but all I know is that it honestly gets the results I want. Plus even though I am the first to admit that we aren’t god, not wanting to be all religious, just stating the obvious, I appreciate how people still love to have their ego stroked.

And when you get behind some community related project where the countdown is played up as a team effort, BINGO! It can be like magic in terms of making people act loony about countdowns.

Of course there is nothing more potent than when the hands of that countdown point to the precious moment when the countdown is finished. I always make sure that is a public event. With the right amount of suggestion and play acting as Mayor and I tell you I’ve seen real manly men shed a tear or two.

Yep, I know it is all silly in some ways. But give a group a dream that is symbolized in a countdown clock and buddy let me tell you they’ll gladly follow me off a cliff if I handle things right.

Naturally when I say a cliff I’m speaking in terms the cliff of reality. I mean even though I don’t mind helping people leap off that ledge, I am practical enough to want to make sure they survive. Hey I’ve invested too much time getting this crop of suckers to buy into my lies, I’m not about to want to start over.

Which is another form of countdown I suppose. The one I have without a clock, but plenty of speeches that I used to be sure they eagerly and willingly embrace that being gullible and a victim are a good thing. That’s a Limburger countdown I always consider worth the wait!

SMALL TALK

Okay it might be trite, but small talk is what you get from small minds. Perhaps the more generic and popular interpretation of this phrase applies to the concept of conversation of a more intimate nature or about things that are general in terms of importance, but I want to focus instead on how I experience it.

And in my world small talk is what I get from people who are other than mover or shakers in reality, but what to impress you just the same. So the want to take the smallness of their life and talk about it as if they were somebody famous.

Listening is a part of my job of course. And believe me there are times when I wish it wasn’t. Because it does get tough at times to sit and listen to some guy who pumps gas for a living try to tell me how he in some way is doing something to control oil prices.

Now for me the basic rule in this realm is that if you real life is other than in a limelight then I suggest you do not try to shine a light where one doesn’t exist. I’m sorry, but if you aren’t truly a success or great at something I’ll admire you more if you act that way. I’m not saying you have to act like some loser, but do be yourself. Don’t try to embellish on you meaningless existence by pretending it is more meaningful than it is.

After all whom are you really trying to impress, me or yourself? If it is me you are succeeding. Because you may be a voter and I’ll tolerate your small talk, but in terms of worrying about what you think, I’m probably not going to that much.

That is the key to me on this whole thing. Do you have any actual power beyond your imagination? Power comes from position and wealth. If you have neither and talk as if you do then all that is to me is small talk.

Actually there are a number of ordinary folks I honestly do enjoy talking to from time to time. But the ones I enjoy the most are the ones who act like themselves. If he is a security guard, then he talks like a security guard and not some genius that has simply been the victim of prejudice. That’s one of those little tales I get told by some people who want me to believe they are in between jobs of greatness. In some cases it appears that the person has been in between those jobs for years!

I do my best of course to take all this insanity in stride. Honestly it can be tough at times not trying to take away somebody’s obsession with small talk that at least gives him some since of dignity. And Lord knows I’m hardly in a place to preach about the need for honesty in what you say.

I just have this personal view I guess that I prefer to deal with people who truly accept who they are. It is just an issue of principal I suppose, but it is so much more fun to deal with people who wear masks and don’t try to spend hours explaining how the mask I see isn’t really there. That wastes so much time in the small talk that keeps from being able to really talk about things that we can enjoy. A Limburger rule to be sure, but it works for me.

COMPLETE, SEAT AND NEAT

I personally love that sense of satisfaction that comes from having completed some project or goal. And you know what? I even feel that way when I managed to con somebody else into doing all the work. Learning that little reality truly did improve my approach to finishing tasks. At least I don’t get as stressed out by deadlines when I lie my way into getting somebody else to do all the sweating.

Now after the project or whatever is done the one thing I don’t do is let anyone else take the glory for the accomplishment. I love being in the seat of attention or honor. I mean the way I figure if I came up with the idea to do a certain project then I’m its creator. That makes me the person who gets to put his name on it as the individual responsible.

And just because somebody else did all the work doesn’t mean I still didn’t come up with the idea. So even though I didn’t do any of the work, I was there in spirit. Actually I was probably not there. I was over at some bar soaking up a different kind of spirit, but I imagine I gave the whole a passing thought and that ought to count in my book. That’s the one that is a work of fiction I give the Title “The Truth or how my way is the truth if you don’t look at the facts!” I’m not planning on publishing it of course!

Okay so I’ve given you the Limburger version of completion and all the thrills of doing it by my version of what is best. And I’m generally comfortable with the whole arrangement. I doubt you could blame me since after all I get all the benefits without any of the work.

But you might be asking how come the poor slobs I sucker into doing all the work don’t bitch more when I take all the glory for their efforts? There is a simple explanation for that. It’s called making sure I pick out the most hardworking and gullible people on the planet for such labor. Believe me that truly makes the difference.

These are the folks that I can give the excuse that for the sake of giving this project credibility and show it was endorsed by the voters that I as Mayor need to be the focus of the project. And that actually works. Oh not in every case. When it doesn’t then I go down to the thrift store and spend the couple of bucks for a used trophy. Then I take it over to a friend of mine to have a new label put on it giving the person credit for their part in the project.

It is amazing at times how easy a little cheap trophy will work in terms of getting the person to stop bitching and think they are some kind of super hero. Enough that they don’t even pay attention to the fact that it is my name that ends up in the newspapers!

Ah that folks is what makes the whole thing nice and neat in my view. A little trophy, the right kind of lie and in the end old Rash baby ends up being the one who gets remembered and that is the only thing that counts from my view. Which naturally gets rather blurry when it comes to the facts. And I suppose I ought to go and have my eyes checked out, but who wants to really spoil that kind of vision?

READY, WILLING AND ALMOST ABLE

I love enthusiasm. It really does make me feel good to see someone excited about a project or idea. And it lulls me into this sense that you can depend upon the person to actually do what they promise when they have fire in their eyes and joy on their lips.

Which would be wonderful if it translated into action. That is the part that often seems to suffer. And when it follows some even where I hear this speech about how great something is that only adds to my disappointment.

Now I’ll be the first to admit as a professional and devout “blow-hard” that talking is something I do better than some things. As a politician lying and making speeches just comes so naturally. And I naturally have learned how to talk without having an ounce of sincerity to back up my comments.

Only for some stupid reason I assume that doesn’t apply to most people. I just figured somebody had better values than I did and at least a smidgen of ethics or morals. Not having any myself I am not in a good position to gauge how others would, but I just figured surely there were a lot of people out there who didn’t have sleaze for a middle name like I do.

I guess part of the problem is all the success one can have just in terms of impressing other with the right kind of speech. I ought to know since I’ve made a career out of that type of behavior.

However I just thought that surely somebody with a great way of showing passion for a given need would actually WANT to help a specific cause. And I still believe there are some out there who do fit that qualification. So I’m not going to suggest they all our weak-kneed and far weather help like I am.

The one thing I can observe though is how often some project or cause just gets a lot more attention in the talking phase than it does during the doing phase. It is like when they have these telethons to raise money for a needy cause. Picking up a phone and promising to help isn’t that hard. But when it comes to the part about writing the check out now that isn’t always as easy to do.

Over in my part of the world that is part of the reason I had having concerned citizen meetings. Oh you can get all kinds of folks to attend and vie for being the chairman and all. Plus they will even keep record of the minutes for posterity.

Yet when the meeting is over and time goes by and I call up somebody from the meeting to ask them to keep a promise they made during the meeting, man do I get such a pile of manure shoved in my face. The excuses they come up with. My personal favorite is the dude who claimed he had a temporary case of Alzheimer’s when he made the promise, but was later healed by some evangelist on television. (Yawn!)

So let me pause by applaud the rare and truly unusual individual who actually volunteers to help in such situations and then goes on to do some of the work. (Personally I would suggest you might benefit from some therapy to get over this being responsible, but I don’t think I’ll actually offer the observation.) Cheers for the truly good and loving people, wherever you are and here is hoping you don’t come around me too often in case your decency might rub off on yours truly!

SLEEPING ON IT

I feel so wonderful when I can get somebody to buy into this excuse. Telling them I’m going to sleep on it isn’t even a lie. I will actually sleep on it.

The little detail naturally that I don’t mention is that while I will sleep on it, I won’t think about it. Which like all important facts that you don’t want the sucker, um, other person to know.

But all of that is in part just sort of a window dress for the ears. That’s a clever way to describe it isn’t it? Well I enjoyed it. It does sound so much more impressive that calling it a big fat lie. I don’t need that kind of description thank you very much. Oh I do get a few people who love wanting to call everything I say as falling in that category.

However I prefer to think of it as exploring the depths of creativity in terms of how I express myself. And as part of that creative “license” for me there is the occasion, which lends itself to very liberal interpretations of the facts.

What the heck? How did I get off on this tangent? God you would think I was in the hot seat before some grand jury instead of simply doing another blog posting. Hmmm, must be the result of that stupid reoccurring dream that dogs me too often. The one where I am sitting in a court room naked and my mask falls off just before the sexy female judge starts to remove her room in a strip tease dance and the jury cheers and then — um let’s just move on here shall we?

Now where was I? Oh yeah the sleeping on it part. Good promise. Maybe even better if you actually did it.

However despite the merits of it, I just feel so much more comfortable when I say it sincerely even though I don’t mean it. When I see that look of trust in the eyes of the person I’m making this promise, but have no plans of keeping then I feel a certain twinge of success.

Basically for me this comment is a promise I like to make as a stall tactic when I want to create the illusion that I am really interested in a given person’s request. Creating the impression I’m going to give it some serious thought at least makes it more credible to them when I say no the next day.

In reality my big desire when I hit the bed is to have a dream of my choosing. And that isn’t one that involves thinking about what I got to do as Mayor tomorrow. Unless we are talking about the part of my job where I’m trying to help some needy female voter who knows how to be truly grateful for my help. Now that is one portion that I definitely don’t mind having a dream about.

And as long as it doesn’t end with the part of having her jealous husband show up at the wrong moment it doesn’t even have to end in a nightmare. Those are definitely not something worth sleeping on.

A TASTE OF HEAVEN

Now when I mention Heaven I know that there will be a whole variety of images that come to mind. And no offense intended to bible thumpers, but for this posting I want to concentrate on more practical ideas of Heaven instead of the eternity realm. Lord knows, er um, well we all know that there are plenty of preachy blogs out there if that is your thing.

What I’m talking about here is the little snacks in life that make you feel like you are in heaven if only in your mind. Now that is the kind of heavenly appetizers I can really enjoy.

And whom does it hurt? There are those who claim it does. But then there are also those how claim the earth is still flat. So much for claims is what I say.

Meanwhile for those of us living in the real world and all the sucky crap we got to endure I say “screw it.” Yep, give in to those urges once and a while. What do you expect to being able to do all that kind of stuff when you get to Heaven providing you even expect to go there?

I’m no expert on Heaven, but I’ve never heard of any bible thumper who claimed they had any bars there or fancy, high priced restaurants. So you better at least try to grab a taste of this life’s heaven while you got a chance. That is unless for some reason you are in love with being dull and boring. I know you are ought there, but if that is your think please don’t try to make it rub off on the rest of us.

I’m not honestly speaking of being totally corrupt here. I’m merely suggesting that too often I’ve seen the people who are victims of “don’t do it.” It doesn’t matter where they heard it from, a grandmother, parent, teacher or whoever, somebody brow beat them into believing you had to always act decent and try to be a good person.

And the whole time I bet the person saying that including granny had some skeleton in her closet she wouldn’t want anyone to know about. Yep even dear sweet granny is human and if you think she was never young and full of the same desires as the rest of the world then you must be from somewhere other than this planet.

So come on folks have smile. Even two. Relax and take a bite out of that heaven that you were told by some dull person was all bad. You don’t have to sell your soul, but you ought to at least try filling it with a little joy.

As for me, well I do apply a rather liberal interpretation to that concept. But then that is the price I have to pay for trying to be a source of inspiration for others in that aspect. I mean how can I truly speak of the joy if I don’t grab for it myself? And with me the grabbing part my include some waitress, other guy’s wife or er, well I guess I don’t need to go into that detail you get the idea.

Ah it does my heart good just to know I may have served my fellow man with a few helpful hints. Now to reward myself I’ll be out trying to get a slice of heaven for myself! And naturally I won’t have my cell phone either.

MORE, MORE, MORE

There are some people who you can never satisfy no matter how hard you try. They are sort of like a human vacuum cleaner. If you give them the chance they will suck you dry and demand more.

I know because I’m the king of human vacuum cleaners. Unofficially of course. It might be the truth, but I’m not crazy enough to admit it.

Now the trick is to avoid those who are also that way or figure out a strategy that will in some way allow you to be sure you can pull the plug on their motor. How does one do that? Ah now that is the tough question.

For me that is a matter of learning where the outlet is where they plug in their cord. Translation, you got to know what it is that they get off the most in terms of sucking. Believe it or not it isn’t the same for everyone.

Oh there are the obvious ones. They are type that want to suck you dry of every penny you have. And you can be sure if they even sense you can be drained of money they’ll be taking out the pity me crying towel and trying to squeeze your heart with emotion. Of course it is all a con. But they do it since they love the cash you cough up more than people. (Personally I admire them for being such great actors. Too bad they don’t give out Oscars for the best performance in the greed category!)

Ah well it is to dream. But alas there are some wishes and dreams that I suppose will never come true.

Anyway to me believe it or not I do find there to be an odd harmony and balance that exists in our world because the more, more, more natures in some people. After all ambition is a pre-requisite to achievement. Nobody gets to be successful by being nice person.

So we do have to have a few human vacuum cleaners out there or society would never make any progress. And frankly I feel a special debt to the more, more, more people of the past who weren’t content to simple drink beer, chase the opposite sex and lie. Somebody had to figure out a way to optimize life to see that the next generation had been tools to use as vacuum cleaners.

I will confess though that perhaps we are a bit too blessed with the more, more, more people. That maybe we might be better off with a few less.

And I think one option would be to have a playoff between the hopelessly greedy. Winner takes all. As for the losers, well I don’t know perhaps we just banish them to some island tell the next years competition. At least that way you could depend upon being sucked dry by only one source and that would make things far more simple. Maybe not better in terms of having a society based on utopian ideals and charity. To people trapped by that expectation I say “GROW UP!”

NOT GUILTY AS CHARGED

Well for someone who bends the law as much as I do, those are truly golden words when they are mentioned in a court by as part of a jury’s decision. Of course it is even much sweeter when it doesn’t even end up with something that needs a court trial, which thanks to my friend, journalist, Hugo Muckraker has been my fate. Naturally there have been a couple of occasions when I have had to rely also upon the aid of the police chief, but from my view just like any sport with politics is the final score that really counts. And with this player I’m happy in the gray and vague area of what is legal I’ve ended up on the winning side of the game.

Aside from that avenue of occasion, which I must contend with as a hazard in the pursuit of my goals there are other aspects to the issue of not guilty. And frankly those arenas are of more concern to me because they are less able to be controlled.

I’m speaking of public opinion. You can be exonerated in a court. You can even have another arrested and found guilty for what you were accused and still end up being regarded in a negative light by the public.

Why? Well part of the reason to me is because people believe what they want to believe. Oh they may talk about wanting the truth, but the reality is they crave their version of the truth. And they don’t even admit to that prejudice most of the time, but I’m school enough in human nature to know it is true.

For myself this fact doesn’t present a liability in some ways since I accept its reality. With others though who have principles or ethics such details can be hopelessly cumbersome on their activities or decision making progress.

All of that is philosophy, but embracing it truly is essential from my view to surviving the electoral game. I try to treat it as a game and keep it fun.

Which above all means being willing to set aside any guilt in order to don the role of hypocrisy. For if I am to maintain a certain image that I don’t honestly have the ability to live then that is the only solution I find that works.

In the eyes of the public, it means being not guilty of almost everything I have been guilty of most of my life. However I’m far too corrupt and far too comfortable being a Mayor where I get paid for looking like I work when I don’t to want to change at this point.

And each day when I get up and look in the mirror I smile. I say, “Let the games begin!” Of course I know that the will regardless of how I feel. So there is no choice, but to take my turn at the plate of lies and whatever.

At the end of the day I return home, content to have succeed in claiming the title “not guilty” what one time. Oh sometimes there isn’t enough liquor to quiet the voice of conscience. But I just keep repeating “not guilty” till I can’t hear it any more or pass out.

TOO WISE

Ever met somebody who was honestly way too smart? Well I’ve known a few self-appointed geniuses in my day. I say self-appointed because honestly they were the dumbest smart people I ever knew.

I’ve even met a couple of child prodigies in my life. The type who graduated from college at an younger age than I did from high school. Oh they were brilliant in some ways, but honestly they were total morons in some practical aspects of life. So if you took them out of their element they were pretty useless.

What I would really like to find is some ordinary average person who was in reality too wise in terms of things that we encounter every day. I’m sure there must be a couple of them out there.

But in my situation all I have ever found was people who were in their own opinion too wise. They loved to prove it to you by sharing their wisdom. The only problem was that their idea of proving it amount to them quoting a bunch of really worn out clichés and not really doing a thing to demonstrate they were all that wise.

I tried to be polite and not upset or insult them. After all, their real wisdom seemed to exist in their ability to lie to themselves. And I suppose considering yourself to be to be a genius is a good thing as long as you don’t have to face the stupid things you do all the time.

In the day to day routine of life such perils of reflection are a wonderful defense mechanism for some people. They allow them to get through life and be buffered from the reality of just how much their life truly sucks.

As a politician I look for such people because they make wonderful audiences for my speeches. They are so skewed in their thinking that I can give a speech appealing to their prudence and wisdom that is total baloney and I can see the nods. Which are saying, “Yep he knows us real well.”

Now that is when I can use my first class baloney that any real smart and thinking audience would more than likely get upset to hear. But not this bunch. And you know what the all too wise folks are found in a lot of places. Such a mindset infects a wide cross section of society. I’ve seen it with young, old, rich or poor. Which is definitely a plus for somebody like me.

My biggest fear is to run into the person that is informed, as opposed to deluded by their own greatness. Those are the ones I dread because they know the facts. And that means they do rely upon illusion or lies to get by. They really are such a pain to deal with in terms of the questions they ask that require more than crap to answer.

My only salvation is that such people are really rare and always outnumbered by the too wise crowd. So my best defense is to find some too wise person and ask them a question. I can be assured that they will normally bored everyone with their self-serving monologue that I won’t have to bother worrying about the informed person afterwards. And that for me is really being wise.

THE BIG LITTLE

In the wee hours of some night when inebriation makes the world look rosy and less hostile, this is one of the prevailing thoughts to dog my mine. It is the moment of false lucidity when I think the smallest detail is truly important.

I even got in one particularly stupid mood once and decide to compose a poem to chronicle this fabulous insight that several Scotches had inspired in regards to a wilting flower. Well I will not bore anyone by sharing that yawner of an insight. Needless to say in the morning it was nothing more than gibberish and I knew my high school English teacher was definitely a prophet in terms of her observations about my poetic efforts in her class.

Anyway, despite that set back by reality it doesn’t keep me from occasionally finding inspiration to see something insignificant as profound. I guess I’m a heart just a sucker for that kind of possibility. Call it a fondness for the underdog or just being a sap for supposed losers, but I do love those stories when the person who is touted as lacking potential or everyone predicts will always be a failure ends up a winner.

True, it doesn’t happen as often as I would like. But I have had a few occasions when I have tried to help make it a reality.

I just wish I was better at picking the proper situation in which to attempt such efforts. For some reason I always end up picking some person or cause where it really is little and no amount of lies will make it become big.

Still I haven’t given up on hoping I can achieve this lofty goal. I would really like just once to turn a misfit uncut stone of a person into some polished diamond of refined talent.

So I continue my quest to find that perfect candidate. Oh never do I work that hard at it. Just when it comes to mind. And if I see a flicker of potential in some ordinary person, the I start talking to them to see if the brain in their head is really connected to their lips.

Then if it is, does the brain have the kind of gray matter that can actually do more than make his or her bodily functions work. Plus does the person have the capacity to go beyond being whatever with the right help.

Like I said this to me is a quest. And taking all the proper steps of determining such possibility does improve the chances of success. However so far my search hasn’t been a successful as I had hope. I’ve come close a couple of times, but I have yet to as they say “close escrow” on such an investment.

I just know sooner or later I’m bound to have some kind of success though. At least I hope so. I mean how can I get rich writing a self-help book if I don’t have a testimony or two from some successful disciple? Sometimes I do wonder if selfishness is enough in terms of motives.

FINISHNG WHAT YOU STARTED

No I’m not talking about New Year’s resolution. They will come soon enough and I’ll spend enough time trying to figure a good excuse for blowing it. In this case I’m talking more about dreams. The ones you think about that are in reality possible and you just never get passed some starting point to realizing them.

It might be fear or doubt, some negative comment a person made that discouraged, but the bottom line is the project never gets done. Instead in lingers in limbo land, not completed, but started.

Now if you are lucky you can find a way to hide from the project. But sometimes that isn’t possible.

In my case I tried to avoid the procrastination monster by not allowing myself the stupidity of making promises about project I don’t intend to finish. Does it work? Sometimes, just not all the time.

I still have my share of moments when I too start a project and then time passes and before I know it all of sudden what I stopped doing yesterday was months ago. And let me tell you that sure gets embarrassing.

Of course as a Mayor I do have one advantage. I can dream and make some other poor slob of a city employee get stuck doing the actual work. And I do love those moments. Because I can get real creative and preachy in the memos I write about how this person is not living up to their responsibilities. Oh there is a special joy in that tactic when I personally don’t have to do any of the sweating.

One of my favorite tools to use in this situation is guilt trips. And if I can book a trip for one of my employees that they don’t figure a way to give to somebody else that is even better.

You see the one thing I do appreciate is that the way the civil service life is in my city most of my employees approach work the same way I do. They do as little as possible while looking as busy as possible. So that ends up meaning that they know without me having to know the details that they are guilty of slacking off on something.

All I have to do is hint at this reality and how I’m aware of it and it generally will draw some emotional blood. Enough that I don’t even have to say anymore.

Which is so nice because that way I can put pressure on them to get off their behinds and finish the project that I was too lazy to finish. Hey I call that effective delegation of responsibility. You can of course call it whatever you want. And I sure am not going to mention what my employees call.

Life is sure simple when you have somebody else to do all the work and blame when things go wrong. And I’m a very great advocate of maintaining that system even if I don’t admit it to my employees or the voters.

TAKING IT TO THE OUTER LIMITS

There is a boundary of performance for most endeavors that you have to reach for something to be considered as excellent. And you don’t reach it easily. It is a mark of achievement and something of which a person can truly feel proud.

It isn’t always a boundary that when reached provides you a crown. Sometimes that is true, such as with athletics, but not always. There are a lot of jobs out there a person can do and be truly great at, but have no championship ring to flash to others to prove how great they are.

All of that is naturally something I think most people understand. And I mention it mainly as foundation for the rest of my posting. Essentially that all of the above is a path to approval, admiration, respect or just a sense of self-fulfillment.

However wonderful such a juncture in life is there is for some little satisfaction is this type of achievement. They want MORE. Only the more they want exists in the “Lala land” of their dementia. They don’t want to the best at something, they want to be the best at something totally insane.

It is like being able to claim you the World Champion at collection lint. Would anyone seriously see that as a source of pride? Perhaps a reason to suggest you needed help, but hardly an achievement you would put in the same category as say being on a winning team in the Super Bowl or World Series.

I suppose that for a lot of people you might say “well yeah I can see your point, but why did you even need to mention it when it is so obvious?”

Okay granted it is an obvious observation. But I just felt a need to express it anyway. Mainly as a form of therapy for myself.

That is because in my city I encounter far too many people who are more prone to take it to the outer limits than some level of excellence. And I don’t say that with pride either. Maybe to seek a little understanding, but not pride.

So since I can purge my world of this kind of lunacy I find more comforting to at least let others know about it. That way at least I have plenty of company from people who can appreciate that having to spend my day for example in the company of a group of farmers who want to debate things like who can spread manure the best. Do I really need to be involved in such a debate? Well these guys thought so. They wanted me to judge a contest. I didn’t exactly feel that was part of my job as Mayor, but I did listen.

Only problem was that meeting came on the heel of one I had with a group of local businessmen. I thought we were going to discuss things like taxes. They wanted to discuss whether we had an adequate civil defense plan to deal with the possibility of an invasion from outer space! Do you get the picture that perhaps that didn’t go into the record books as one of my favorite days? You’d be right too. Here’s hoping you get to go for the limits, but that they are at least sane!

REVENGE IS SWEETER WHEN NOBODY KNOWS IT

I’m on the kick lately of lusting after stabbing people in the back with a smile. Okay that sucks I can hear you say. Or perhaps it is just my conscience being resurrected even though I’ve done what I could to kill it off enough.

But the plain fact to me is that sneaky is fantastic. If you can ruin another person for life and then don’t even know it was your fault, buddy that’s being a true artist.

See the problem is too many people end up sticking their head where the sun don’t shine on this subject. They want a face to face knock you down and brag about it type of revenge.

The plain fact is that kind of revenge has more than revenge as its motives. It is the issue of being able to feel superior to somebody. You don’t want to just get even you want to do it and lord it over the person.

That folks to me is just being stupid. Because unless you can totally control the future that person you stomped real good today may recover and guess when he gets his strength back, who is first on his crap on list? You got it.

Now as a devout lover of revenge the one rule I follow is never and I mean never let my ego rule the decision of how to ruin somebody else. Let the sap think I’m weak. That way he won’t be on the defensive. And he won’t be looking for anything to happen. In other words, he’ll be a big time sucker for some real revenge.

I have several options available of course as Mayor that not every one can use. Naturally the city’s bureaucracy heads the list. If you are a businessman or have to depend on the city in any way, I got you! I can use the city regulations to totally mess with any aspect of your life.

There was this one time when this guy totally pissed me off. To the point I was thinking of the kind of revenge that real criminals try. You know, not just getting even with the dude, but his whole family.

And lucky me, the guy had a father in an old folks home. Well I just made sure that they “lost” his dad’s file and then tied the jerk up for months filling out papers and it all ended up costing him a small fortune in expenses in the process.

It was sort of shame I guess that I got a little carried away and took the old guy’s wheel chair away for a while. But after he had that stroke from the anxiety he ended up bedridden so I suppose that wasn’t so bad.

What? You think that is awful? Hey we’re talking reality here. You want fantasy and love that is just other than real love there are plenty of bible thumper blogs you can read. What you get from me is pure, unblemished corrupt behavior. Be sure and come back again when I’ll share some more of my helpful tips for smiles that you don’t have to lie about.

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

Revenge is wonderful dessert, but being able to smile when some jerk gets what he deserves by somebody else’s hand isn’t a bad snack. I wish I could be magnanimous under such situations, but I’m not.

The best I can muster in such situations is fake sincerity. To try and at least look like I care or have compassion for the person’s misery.

Of course alone or with the right pals it is party time when I learn some deserving person got a taste of misery’s pie. And even if I didn’t get to serve it, I do love knowing when it has been provided to the right person.

My only complaint is you can’t enjoy more of these joyous occasions. For some reason I’ll never completely understand there are some people who end up experiencing some disaster that didn’t do anything noticeably wrong. That sort of confuses me. I just can’t seem to get excited about the event if the person wasn’t deserving in my view.

Alas if life were only more understanding and controllable. But at times when I think in those terms I also come to that point of appreciating how such magic would lead to other forms of disasters. I know human nature well enough to know how many sick and twisted people are out there. If you opened the lid on that container it would definitely end up a Pandora’s box.

So we accept the sad limits upon our essence. Perhaps it is a genuine sign of wisdom on the part of our creator. At least given the way most of us know far better how to hate than love.

Darn I’m getting sidetracked again. I hate when I get too philosophical. I mean there is enough thought babble in the world and blogs as it is.

So maybe the reflection here is to simply celebrate, quietly and with a little relief when the finger of fate stirs a reason for one to enjoy seeing some person’s misery. That might be bad tastes I some people’s books, but you know I got to wonder what good does it do to pretend we don’t feel that way?

Okay feel free to lie and act as if you are sad when somebody whose guts you hate gets a nice big slice of humble pie. As for me, well as a politician I might have to fake it at times, but believe me I don’t do it any more than I have to.

Then there is also the other side of this thought. Basically my view is that we are all imperfect and sooner or later the odds will stack up against and in favor of almost everyone. It is just a matter of time and perhaps prayer if that is your option.

So I enjoy sitting back and watching life’s poker game. And the times when somebody tries to bluff and fails. Those are the wonderful moments when we can laugh a little if only because we know it isn’t our hand that went bust.

LOOKING DANGER IN THE KNEE

Boy it would be great if life were just about overcoming. But it isn’t, is it? Well not in my part of the world at least.

And from what I’ve seen despite the joy of movie heroes, the plain fact is that the average sane person is smart enough to know when to hide and when to run. The fighting part is admirable, just not as easy to accomplish for obvious reasons.

While there are plenty of people out there to impress you with how they were filled with piss and courage and defiantly stared danger in the face, I have a different approach. One I think is far more practical for the average person.

I’m speaking of using your brain instead of you guts. Oh sure being courageous is wonderful and you get respect. But honestly who is never afraid? Maybe some guy in a coma, but not most of the rest of us.

So what do you do if you aren’t a stand up kind of guy? Or let’s say you’re a weakling who would get beat up by a senior citizen in a wheel chair? Yeah I know that might be a bit over the top, but I’m just tossing it out to help paint the picture of those who might benefit from my thoughts.

The thing is I say go with your strengths, whatever they happen to be. Maybe you’re good at creating a distraction. And then when that bully is busy looking at the diversion you can get a big stick and — you get the idea.

Money is always a nice incentive. That is providing you have enough to bribe somebody. Courage and greed aren’t always as different as some people might imagine.

And those are just a couple helpful hints. Another is to try to know your opponent. Do they have a weakness and don’t even know it? That is the best kind because you can blind side them.

For example I had this one guy with a bully attitude who was trying to give me a bad time once. And there was this other guy who thought he needed to give me grief.

So what I did was to arrange to frame the second guy for supposedly having an affair with the first one who was hopelessly jealous. And well all I can say is they were so busy hating each other that they didn’t have any time to bother me any longer. Darn I knew I was forgetting something. I meant to arrange at the first guy’s trial to see that the evidence was given to the court to aid him in his claim of not guilty. Oh well I guess the time with the state will be sort of a vacation. As for the second guy, he has managed walking with a cane no problem.

Ah it is so good to know that things can work out and have a happy ending if you just plan them the right way, even if it means you got to look danger in the knee instead of the face.

BROWN BAG HEAVEN

I make it a hobby at times to imagine what kind of wondrous thrills for the palate a person might put in a brown paper bag for lunch. Now I know if you choose to bring your lunch that way it is saying several things.

First of all it says you can’t afford a fancy lunch box. Or maybe you don’t want to bring the one you used in grade school to work because it might embarrass you. Secondly it also says you are trying to avoid the expense of buying lunch. I’ll give you points for being frugal.

But I think what it also says is that you are a person who enjoys being in control. When you bring a brown paper bag it means you choose what you wanted for lunch and didn’t leave yourself at the mercy of some cafeteria. It means in a subtle way also that you want the freedom to have what you want to eat, when you want it.

Now to some of you I’m sure the subject of brown bag freedom and independence may not seem important or worthy of mentioning in a posting, but to someone like me it is very important. Why? Well you might ask or not ask, but I take the time to look at those little things and the subtle comments they make about a person’s values.

And as a politician those are very important to me. Because that little brown bag can be a simple statement of something the individual cherishes in life. A quiet form of rebellion against fast food tyranny or the regular restaurant monopoly on lunch times.F

Call it going over the top, but honestly this is not as extreme as you might imagine. Just stop some time and reflect on how this it truly a realm of ultimate freedom. You get to bring what you want and can keep it hidden so others don’t know if you have something really great or disgusting. That illusion is part of what makes it seem like its own version of heaven to the person like me how thrives on illusion and deception.

What really got me started on this whole subject was my secretary Edna Frump. She normally buys lunch at the cafeteria at city hall. But some times she will bring her lunch. And the one thing with her is when she does, she means business.

It doesn’t involve some puny little wrinkled brown bag. Nope with her it is a grocery store size bag. We’re talking an industrial strength, belly busting type of lunch here. Truly big meals, complete with place setting as well as condiments with silver salt and pepper shakers. With her when the mood strikes it is for complete ambience with the support of her handing brown paper bag.

In her case this comes down to a form of freedom where she is going to express herself with food. A chance to temporarily disregard her perennial diet and life! And the think is when she gives in to the urge to be free for a little while it just makes her so happy. Oh it never lasts naturally. Only a day or two, but for that precious time when she does savory the joy of that special brown paper bag freedom it is for her heaven.

And if I didn’t pay attention then I wouldn’t know the times when she is truly more susceptible to being asked to do that extra I need from my secretary at times. So you see what it pays to be observant over the little things?”

HISTORY LESSONS

I’ve heard it said that those who don’t study history are bound to repeat it. And to me that would depend on what part of history you were talking about. But I don’t think that the person who first came up with that observation meant it as a good thing.

However I would prefer to think of it as those who don’t study history are less prone to find excuses in past blunders. So there! See only I could take a clever promo for getting somebody to study history and turn it around into avoiding looking at the past to borrow somebody else’s excuse.

Okay I appreciate that the more you know about the history of a person or whatever the better informed you can be in terms of knowing how to deal with the same person or situation later. But honestly from what I’ve seen a whole lot of that is just plain guesswork.

I’m sorry, but we humans are far better at guessing wrong than guessing right unless you happen to be a recipient of pure, dumb luck. Then you get the bragging rights and this moments best know it all. Enjoy it while it lasts pal because odds are tomorrow somebody else will luck into the title.

What am I really talking about here? I’m talking about not be stupid in terms of spending too much time trying to pretend that you know what the heck you are doing when you are just groping in the darkness of ignorance like the rest of us.

Oh sure it is great to put on that confidence mask and look informed. But unless you are somehow blessed with better luck than the rest of us you’ll probably manage to blow it far too often.

And rule number one, the more you brag the worst your blunder will seem to others. So it is better to keep things as vague as possible if you wish to avoid being a victim of your own mouth in such situations.

I’m not saying studying the past isn’t important. It can be very important. Providing your are smart enough to learn when doing things a given way didn’t work out for some other clown who thought he knew it all.

That to me is far more important than whether you are a walking library of facts. Being flexible and aware and never assuming your plans are flawless is the best form of history lesson. Which means learn from your own past history.

If you’ve got a track record of making bone head moves don’t let your pride get in the way of admitting it. And be smart enough to pick some other slob to make a decision that will make him look like an idiot.

Hey I will always do what I can to at least appeal to people’s common sense in these postings. Even though I know that it generally isn’t our brain that we put in gear as often as we want others to belief. Above all smile, it does wonder for taking attention away from the times you end up with a red face!

AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE

I wish this always had to do with good things. But it seems like it has more to do with emergencies. At least in my world it appears to work that way.

Of course I realize it wouldn’t be called an emergency if you had prior notice or you would probably figure a way to avoid the crisis. I’m tempted to indulge a little in the silliness here of imagining a series of memos between bureaucrats written in matter of fact manners. One’s where they would casually speak of how to deal with an impending crisis without making it look like they were dealing with a crisis. So they would insist upon a certain level of ineptness and incompetence, but provide a litany of excuses with appropriate double talk to cover the situation. Naturally no where in the discussion would they mention anything about PREVENTION!

As silly as all of that sounds, believe me there are times when from where I sit I swear that would be the way some bureaucrats would handle any crisis knew about without a moment’s notice. They would still handle it the same way. Now you may shake your head and say, “hey nobody would be that heartless or indifferent towards their fellow man!”

That’s a great sentiment. And I wish it were really the case. But sometimes I do have to wonder. I wonder if at a moment’s notice in that regard is almost something we intentionally build into situations. I know I’m probably being a little over the top with that suggestion, but perhaps it does explain why we are far better at hindsight that foresight.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not suggesting we try to go to extremes the other way with making prevention some kind of panacea either. And I don’t mean any disrespect to the few prophets or visionary who do call it right about some impending disaster and manage to save our butts.

However they never get the press do they? Nope it is the cavalry that comes to the rescue isn’t it? Yep, they are the ones we treat as heroes. And the closer to almost extinction they are to actually saving someone or something the cooler it is. After all it wouldn’t be cool to be a hero if you made it look too easy. It just doesn’t have the drama that way.

What am I suggesting? Basically what I’m suggesting is that we are saps for looking good and optimizing ways to be heroic. For example, which would we regard as a better story, a fireman who saved a child from a burning building or the fire marshal who found a fire violation and got it fixed before a fire occurred? I don’t need to actually answer that do I?

As for me, well recognizing this little aspect of human nature makes me react with my own form of prevention. Essentially I face the reality that Murphy really was a prophet and that there will be a lot more at a moment’s notice than chances to fix something before it cases an emergency. Having embraced that fact I sit back, smile and dream of the best way to be a hero even when I know before hand about a problem!

IN THE MIX

When one says mix the word has so many wonderful meanings these days. It can mean a mix of flour and whatever ingredients it takes to produce something very tasty. Or it can be mixed nuts perhaps.

Okay I’m not just stuck on food though. Basically it could apply to mixed drinks or on a broader scale just about anything where it takes more than one item working together for the end result to work correctly.

With me as a Mayor the mix I content with the most is naturally with people. I wish I had a way to make a choice in terms of citizen. But that is in the mix to. What brings any one family to Mediocrity is so varied in terms of reasons that I couldn’t say one specific reason dominates.

Course there are those born here. For them it was hardly a choice. And even though some of the “natives” do express their complaints over our small little concrete slab of life, too often they don’t leave.

Why am I even broaching this subject? Well I guess because if I had to describe the hodgepodge of souls who occupy this slice of life I would say to me they mainly are closest to a group of mixed nuts.

Not to necessarily be unkind here. It is just my way as the Mayor of coping with what I face every day.

Mediocrity as a city has about the same things to offer you would expect from any small city. That includes plenty of boredom, routine and a basic lifestyle that produces an infectious case of yawns way to often. We have some crime, fortunately the type I concentrate on gets unreported since I’m hardly going to volunteer my creative use of city funds. And the other usual problems you would find any place.

So from my point of view a person living here ought to have predictable expectations from a city that isn’t thriving and no one exactly seems to care if it ever will. Which is fine with me since I’m not all that ambitious to work that hard and improving things anyway.

The part that gets under my skin I guess is when people suppress their frustrations and anger over the bland spirit of ordinariness that clings to this city. They seem to get inspired to act well a tad strange. And lucky me when they get into that mental state they seem totally obsessed with sharing it with me.

For the most part I practice the three “L’s,” in such situations. Those are listen, lie and laugh. I listen to their problems, lie about promising to do anything and then later having a good laugh about it when I’m by myself.

Now that might not seem like the perfect solution to you, but it does keep me smiling and accepting how in the mix in my city has way more nuts than other ingredients. Cheers!

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

Anytime you can get twice the joy bang for the same buck, I’m all for it. Like you would expect otherwise.

And I suppose in many ways that this is part of an ongoing theme and private agenda I have in writing my blog. I know I’m a sleaze, hypocrite and a whole lot of other disgusting things. So I’m looking for company in order to feel like I’m not the only scumbag on the planet.

I guess I wouldn’t worry about it as much if I were like a world class jerk. But from what I’ve seen I basically an amateur compared to some people.

Thus I suffer from a sense of identity. Enough bad qualities to not kid myself about being rotten, but not enough to make it into the big leagues of jerkdom.

The problem for me is not how does one double one’s pleasure legally. For wandering the gray areas of the land of the law has never been a concern for me. What I have to be concerned with is two things. First of all not allowing my ego to sucker me into bragging when I find some convenient loop hole with which to get more of whatever for the same costs.

Secondly the tricky part is making sure that if I do venture into that realm of fuzzy legality I have to be sure I don’t end up getting caught by the court, police or general rule keepers. And naturally making sure I don’t violate rule number one is critical to be able to keep rule number two.

I wish I could elaborate on all of the ways I love to double my pleasure, but I’m smart enough to know better than mention it in a blog. However for the sake of those who might want to toy with how it could work in your life, let me just toss out the following observation, don’t expect to accomplish it by a dream or winning the lottery.

Nope, plain and simple, this can only take place by being creative. And that means other than honest.

Having ventured into that territory I would also say this has to be realistic. You can be creativity, but it has to be workable.

Finally you got to be willing to do it. That means once you have crossed over the fence that is the boundary of you conscience, you got to be willing to stick to it.

Besides one you are saddled with all that extra guilt you need to be sure you do have double the pleasure just to keep it from bothering you too much. Beyond that what I say is enjoy yourself folks. And if you start with the pleasure priority the rest will come in time. It is amazing how pure, unbridled lust can be the source of such glorious inspiration. Hopefully it is the kind of inspiration that doesn’t end in any “oops” because you disconnected your brain while disenabling your conscience!

SAVING THE WHALES

I think I’ve expressed my opinion on the subject of saving things like Mother Earth to the environment and endangered species enough that I don’t need to repeat myself do I? But in case you missed it let me just say, people first, everything else second. Save our butts and make the greenbacks flow then we can talk about pollution, global warming or whatever. (You notice I said talk not doing anything about it.)

Naturally for the sake of this posting, I’m not going to speak about really saving THE Whales. I’m going to speak in terms of saving the whale size problems in the world. Clever huh? Don’t answer that!

I don’t mean to come off like some insensitive and indifferent jerk here. I am all of those things and a whole lot more that is disgusting, I’m just trying to be practical. Frankly the way I feel about it when you consider just how corrupt and incompetent we are I think it is time we stop kidding ourselves.

By that I mean let’s face it, we’re screw ups. We can’t truly do anything very well. Our city’s are a mess, no matter what we do we can cure all diseases, pollution or even keep everyone employed.

Honestly my goal here is not to depress, just trying to be as realistic as possible. If you look at our history as a human race can you really say it is a legacy of prudent and wise decisions? Oh perhaps after way too many beers. But sober, forget it.

Isn’t it time we stop playing so many games of fantasy? I hear all the talk shows and see the blogs, which tell us what most of us already know and that is that life sucks. To which I say, so what?

And having said that let me toss out the idea. Pick one. That’s right, let’s pick just one problem and really try to fix it.

Okay maybe we might not actually fix it, but I bet it would be a lot more fun if we all pretended we did. We could hold pep rallies, let everyone who is anyone get up and give speeches, even have a “we’re gonna fix it” beauty contest. (I’ll volunteer to interview and judge it naturally.)

Will it really make a difference you might ask? Absolutely not! But I bet we would all enjoy it a lot more.

And think of how thrilling it would be to have the news media saying good stuff instead of bad stuff all the time. I’m telling you folks, this would be one heck of a fun time if we allowed ourselves to stop spending all our time acting as if the problems we’ll never fix for a variety of reasons will someday get better.

As for all those talk shows with the people who have wacky solutions to our problems. Shoot let’s give them even more air time. I can always use a good laugh.

GOOD AND PLENTY

This is more than the name of a candy. It is a dream. It is what we wish were reality. To have our version of yummy as often and in as much quantity as our heart desires.

Of course we would find obtaining the candy a lot easier than achieving this vision. Plus trying to turn this into a goal of life becomes the kind of thing if you talk about it others would call it being greedy.

And that is the part that annoys me the most. I mean most people are encouraged I think to try and succeed. We even celebrate excellence. But, BUT, nobody seems to respect an arrogant winner. You are expected if you want to be popular to be humble or modest in some way.

At least that seems to be my perception. For me that is essential in order to guard my elected butt so I can survive and win the next election.

So publicly I act modest and attribute the win to all my hard working staff (all one of him) as well as the voters. Then privately with my pal Hugo Muckraker we sit around and soak up some refreshment and then allow ourselves to celebrate with a lot more honesty.

There is something truly disturbing to me about the idea that success is a good thing, but selfishness isn’t. It just seems that you are more prone to be a winner as a tiger than a lamb. So why pretend?

And frankly what I see is that a whole lot of places where people do act selfish and do win by having that kind of winner’s mentality. We all understand it privately, but just can’t openly call it a good thing.

So am I asking us to do that? Um yes and no. See I understand the nature of social dynamics enough to appreciate how at the very heart of our motives lies the need to have it all. We want to be the best and we also want to be thought of as good.

That all gets muddled up in a ball of fickle reactions and impetus and in the end what we gets is way too much hypocrisy and silliness. Which of course I don’t expect to change.

What I’m toying with here is the simple priority in thought that perhaps to make things easier we could come up with some outlet of truth to express what we try by social image to deny. Let some occupation be treated as okay for being greedy and selfish. Then with that occupation getting all the glory everyone else could be left to feel morally superior.

And you could make that profession the fall guy for everything imaginable. Of course there would have to be a fee paid to the ones who agreed to such social liabilities. That seems only fair.

Alas I can imagine this idea will never quite get the following it deserves. So that means I’m stuck I guess. I’ll just have to continue playing the game by my own brand of rules and naturally I’ll get that extra compensation that I never tell anyone. Silent, but never broke is a motto I’ll always savor.