TRY THAT ONE ON FOR SIZE

Well admittedly the word “size” could refer to a lot of things. Now for those not inclined to think in ah, certain “term” that is what they say when saying size does or does not matter as I said the word size can apply to a lot of subjects.

Now when one says, “Try that for size,” I think most often what is being said is “hey let’s see if that fits.” And normally it seems that it doesn’t. Well that is my observation.

Why? I think it is because of perception. Basically one is the right size of whatever to one person is NOT the same that will fit somebody else. Only how come we don’t seem to be able to figure that out most of the time.

What got me rambling on this was having to deal with this one person. Little Mary Sunshine as I prefer to call her always sees the glass half full. Being upbeat is good. But you know you ought to start by at least having a glass!

With her what can I say? Basically with her one size of anything fits all. It doesn’t matter what it is she knows it will fit. She doesn’t have any facts. May never have actually had experience with it in the past, but she knows the size or “solution” will work.

I think what amazes me is that you can pretty much be guaranteed that in about 99 per cent of the cases she will be a hundred per cent WRONG! Does it in any way cause her to stop and think that remotely her one size fits all might be a bad idea. Of course not.

I try to use Little Mary Sunshine to my advantage. Whenever I’m trying to pull a fast one with the council and sneak through another con to squeeze out a few extra bucks for myself I ask her to come to the meeting.

You see with Little Mary Sunshine beyond her blind form of positivism she is also hopeless gullible. She actually thinks I’m a caring and decent guy. Now is that gullible or what?

So I just call her up and mention some idea without giving her enough details to let her know the truth. Then I casually mention how it would be great if she could come to the meeting and she ends up falling for it.

All I have to do then is let her get up and give her little speech about great the idea is and the council normally falls for it. So I get what I want, Little Mary Sunshine leaves thinking she’s done a good thing and the council goes back to ignoring life and reality as they normally do.

Which ends in one size in terms of my bank account that definitely works for me! Of course I won’t share that tidbit with others, especially Mary. Why risk having to adjust that size of whatever because the truth makes it not fit!

YES, BUT...

God do I hate this. You ask a person for help and they say yes. Then you say to yourself, “Great this is going to work.”

However the person spoils it all by adding “but.” And you know whatever follows is going to be totally lame. Some absolutely stupid excuse they made up because they didn’t have the guts to say no in the first place.

What gripes me is sitting there and listening to that crap and having to put up with smiling and pretending to believe such baloney. I would otherwise be inclined to call them a jerk that they are. However I resist because well there are other times when the person will actually say yes and mean it.

So it comes down to a deal of giving the person a break now and then later they will out of guilt agree to help with something else. It is like they are saying, “okay, please just let me wimp out this time and next time I’ll be there for you.” Yeah it works too.

The great thing is that the person actually will remember when they did wimp out. Guilt is something that just seems to be easy for people to remember. A lot more than if they honestly said no. That they don’t seem to remember as easy.

It becomes a matter of me keeping score for myself I guess. I do have to maintain and “log” of such events. One of those, “okay who is guilty so they’ll do what I ask this time” records.

Shoot I’ve gone state of the art on this deal too. I managed to get a buddy to write me a computer program so I could input all the data in my computer. Then I just go in after each “yes, but” session and input the data.

Later when I call it up to search for people I can abuse it is easy to run a “sort” option. After I managed to get the person sucked into some other project out of guilt then I just go back and hit one little button that updates the data and removes the person from the file of options yet to abuse.

Oh you might say that is a lot or work. I call it being prepared. And in my line of work that kind of preparation often makes a whole lot of difference in terms of whether I find some slob to do the dirty work on a project or have to pay somebody to do it. If it involves saving a buck then it works for me.

All and all it is a real joy to have the kinds of options where I can deal with the “yes, but” issues in an efficient and profitable manner. My only regret is that I can’t boast to the voters over my success.

Sometimes I guess the important things in life are left as secrets. In some cases it is because they would be misunderstood. In others it is because the people who would misunderstand them wear badges and that is definitely not good!

LEWD, CRUDE AND MOOD

Ah the joys of being downright coarse and annoying. There are times the soul craves to open up the floodgates of dark urgings and allow the simple joy of depravity wash over anyone and anything. Yep it is a special time when you succumb to the precocious mood of granting that stupid, silly and absurd side of one’s nature sprout wings and fly in the air. Of course you become a bird with the primary purpose to find someone to bomb with your droppings of crap!

Now that is my little graphic way of leading into the reality of what drives some people, myself included. See we can for a short time act civil. Well we can pretend. And do a pretty darn good job of it in the process.

Sooner or later the real nature has to breathe. It has to be released from that cell of inhibitions and fear where it is kept prisoner for the sake of being able to survive in society. However eventually the monster must be fed. You have to grant it the chance to devour something or it will consume you.

For some people they can deal with that beast in a simple way. They go to a bar or sports event, get drunk and act totally crude and then come away feeling good. Oh they might claim the feel good because of some other reason, but the plain fact it is due to having fed that creature they otherwise like to keep locked away.

That is where I have my since of complaint. As a Mayor I have less chance to do that in the same way. Oh I can get away with it to some degree. However there are certain regrettable limitations due to my elected persona that preclude me from totally surrendering to my little inner beastie.

People, as in voters, just don’t seem to grant me the same entitlement of lunacy they would to say a construction worker, used car salesman or any other naturally crass and wild or crazy person. Not that I’m saying all construction workers or used car salesman are in need of such expression. Just that they would hardly be blamed or considered out of line for acting that way.

Still despite the inequity, I do my best to be creative in my options. Maybe Joe Public doesn’t appreciate my need for acting in such a manner as much as the next person, but it is definitely not going to prevent me from doing what I can to gleam a moment or two of pure depraved joy.

So why do I need to “blog” about it? I say why not. If I can help some other poor suffering politician who is feeling depressed because they haven’t been able to take their beastie for a walk know it is okay then I’m a success. Yep I am willing to risk being impaled by the news vipers in order to spread the gospel of good times for one and all!

Having done my duty it is time for me to practice what I preach. Hmmm, I wonder what assumed name I should use this time? And that fake beard and glasses should be okay, I didn’t wear them out from the last time. Well have fun folks, I know I will even if I have to do so as John Smith.

I BELIEVE

No way I’m going to finish that comment with anything I actually believe, which might tend to get me busted. Ah you see that is the big problem. I mean whenever anyone uses this comment it always is for saying what he or she believes that sounds impressive.

Come on admit it. You never hear anybody saying something like I believe my goal in life to is suck everyone dry and leave behind a huge family of illegitimate kids as well as a diary that would burn the eyes from my depravity. It’s simple believe is suppose to be about noble crap.

So let’s play the game. I believe in puppy dogs, rain, loving the neighbor and world peace. In reality what lies behind that cute and fuzzy statement is a whole different kind of believe. Like say, I believe in treating people like puppy dogs, rain of misfortune falling on everyone else and a downpour of fortune on me, loving the neighbor’s wife when he’s gone and a piece of the world for ME.

Yep, that might be the real I believe just don’t expect it to be confessed. That would never do. And for a darn good reason. It is simple folks. If you blab your real I believe it warns people and then it cuts down on your action.

Plus there sure doesn’t hurt to have the chance to create the illusion that you are a decent person. It helps decrease the risk of people not trusting you even if they shouldn’t.

But if it helps I’ll play the word game. Okay I believe in a fair day’s pay for a fair days work. (Basically that means fair too me in terms of a low way for you and fair to me in terms of you doing two days work in one day).

Another I believe is treating people equally. Why spoil the fun by picking out some poor slob to victimize? You never know when that other goofy looking guy can be suckered into some kind of con job that lines your pocket with extra cash.

However I guess for those silly people out there that insist I guess we will still have to tolerate the I believe comments that make it sound like somebody cares or loves others. Yeah we need our fantasies don’t we?

That is the real beauty of it all isn’t it? I think we don’t have to worry ever about I believe remotely be associated with truth. Oh it might be fun as a novelty, but on a daily basis, it’s story time all the way folks.

Well that’s my I believe slant on life and one, which I’m darn proud of. Okay I guess I am proud in a way that I can’t always boast about. I wish I could, but I know that doesn’t get votes.

Funny, I guess. But to really have an, I believe, that works means you have to keep it to yourself. After all there isn’t much value in telling the world if it doesn’t pay. So above all I believe in winning no matter how many things I have to lie about regarding I believe for it to work.

ONE HAND WASHES THE OTHER CREEP

Ever have to cope with the “me first” barter people? Those are the ones that generally thing they are the most loving and giving people on the planet, but are in reality hateful, greedy rats. Why is it they also seem most of the time to be bible thumpers too or peddlers of some form of God they claim is truth.

I not trying to bash the bible thumpers so much, just the ones that try to use God as excuse for their incredible evil. And that seems to start so often with them doing what they call “good deeds.” The only problem is that whether they are good deeds it becomes obvious way too fast that they were only motivate by some ulterior motive.

Basically doing it in expectancy of getting something in return. The most annoying aspect for me is that they don’t just hope for something back, they practically demand it! It is like if you don’t take the hint then you can be sure they’ll start shouting, “Hey pal, I did something for you now you better do even more for me.”

That is probably my biggest gripe. They are content if they say help you with some chore if you do a chore of likewise quality for them. What they expect is you do to a whole lot more than just the same. It becomes a kind of investment at that point.

I have tested this theory on several occasions and it has so far always proven true. How I test it is by doing nothing when they person offers to help. First of all I don’t ask for their help. I just sit back and let them offer.

Then after they do whatever and make sure they are on the cell phone bragging about it I merely say thank you. Now if they did it to truly help that ought to be enough.

And depending on the ulterior motive they will either leave and contact me later for a “favor” or will hang around and keep talking till I get the hint. Those are the ones that are really a pest.

Now depending on my mood I’ll either do something for them or I’ll promise to do it later, only never get around to it. Of course if I want something from them I will take the time to do something later for them after they have given up on expecting something from me. That is my way of priming the pump to get them to do something else for me. Yeah that sucks and I LOVE IT!

Of course in my case what can I say, being selfish and greedy is something I do all the time. I’m by nature a kind of guy who depends upon using people. I also have enough of a double standard to not want others to use me, especially if they are going to somehow blame god for their behavior.

So why not turn the whole thing into a game? That is what I do. And so far I like to feel the score is slanted in my favor. Since I make up the rules as I go along that helps. Even if it didn’t I would cheat. Why ruin the fun by doing something like playing fair. I leave that for the guy who wants it of others while not planning on doing it himself.

LOOKING BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU...

Okay this might be sound advice for those considering crossing a street. Basic common sense rule is naturally don’t try to walk when some car is coming. Of minor detail is the added suggestion to walk in crosswalk. Jay walking is one of those little indulgences that traffic cops love to frown upon with little pieces of paper that require you to make a contribution to the city’s coffers.

In any event that review of the aspects of looking both ways is a foundation for greater and more relevant aspect of my posting. Mainly I am speaking in terms of looking both ways in terms of right and wrong. Yeah you read that right. I said right and wrong.

No, I’m not going to do the obvious and suggest that after looking at the choices of right and wrong that you choice right. That would be too easy. Plus I’m enough of a hypocrite and disgusting bug of a human being. I don’t intend to take detour here into the land of morality that exists in the “good” neighborhood.

My thought has to do with examining the consequences to any situation and knowing the risks up front. Not for the sake of choosing right, but for the purpose of planning a winning strategy so you can one can choose the bad and get away with it.

Ah, now I can tell the lights are probably going off. “I see,” I can imagine some people might be saying. So here I offer up a few helpful hints for the morally challenge who don’t care to surrender to the light side, um that’s the good side in case you needed to be told.

Okay, helpful hint number one. First of all, be sure you are able to look both ways in terms of ALL the traffic. That is to be careful you know all the facts so you don’t get blindside by some law or judge or undercover, um you get the idea I imagine.

Amazingly it is so darn easy to get sucked into thinking you are so clever when you’ve figured some way to beat the system. However in the midst of such smugness one can regrettably get too full of pride and then your brain goes numb, which makes your eyes get blurry. When that happens, BAM! You walk out onto a road thinking is it safe and some truck eats you for lunch.

In the meantime for the more prudent and reasonable, I offer helpful hint number two. Be realistic. By that I mean, if you are on laid up in a bed and can’t walk at all don’t even think of crossing the street. Basically be sure you have the actual “equipment” you need to do whatever you have to do before you shout “charge!”

Well for the enlightened and totally morally corrupt all of this will be something helpful. For those who still have so silly wisp of ethics, then you have my sympathy. There is not much I can do for you that will help.

So for you I say enjoy watching the traffic. I and my buddies who know how to “cheat” successful will wave from you on the other side of the street!

WELL DONE, GOOD AND FAITHFUL...

This is one of those twists of phrases that mainly has to do with those going to heaven. Which makes sense because from what I’ve seen it would truly take a miracle to find too many good and faithful anything that honestly you could say well done about. I’m not trying to go out of my way to be negative here, I’m just speaking mainly from personal experience.

I have to confess that I do have a fair number of well faithful types working for me. By that I mean they show up every day and in that regard they qualify as faithful. But good? That honestly would be a tad of a stretch. Oh I’m not saying they are evil. Just rather less that good at what they are doing. Not enough to try and replace for they kind of money I can offer to pay, but the type of person who simply falls under the “other” category when you are trying to put employees in the asset or liability column. I hate to be that unkind, but lord love them they do try, just they hardly ever manage to function at a level one could define as um, efficient.

So I think in my case as Mayor I have had to amend the idea of well done, good and faithful to “you squeak by without messing up too bad sort of okay and sort of faithful by showing up on time” type of help. Hey I’m just doing what I can to tell it as it really is. There are plenty of things that I have honestly admitted I feel a need to lie about, but in this case the main challenge to me is trying to smile when faced with incurable incompetence.

There was a time years ago when I use to assume that you could find the type of help that could be depended upon to perform and a truly functional level all the time. Boy was I so stupid. I have since adjusted my standards to allow for the “nincompoop” factor. That is the one where I have embrace the frailty that possess too many people in terms of what I see as brain drain. The poor souls simply are only capable of a given level of behavior.

I have had those occasions when I had seriously given thought to making a concerted effort to replace them with those that were efficient. It might have had merit till I saw some of my options in terms of applicants.

Now many it is just the peril of living in Mediocrity, but the one thing I have come to appreciate is that the employees I did have were probably the best I could expect. Isn’t that depressing?

However, along the way to trying to encourage myself at the local tavern I did manage to have a blessing of thought. See as long as incompetence was the foundation of my fair city I didn’t have to worry about any of those I dealt with being a threat to my own job. Yep, nothing made me happier than knowing that the absence of sharp and astute minds in my city pretty much granted me the luxury of stumbling through the obstacles of life as Mayor and not worry. Because in order for anyone to complain they first had to be awake and actually consciousness enough to function beyond just showing up for work. Ah sometimes they is a subtle joy to dwelling where we truly live up to our city’s name of Mediocrity.

MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR BRAIN

They can say what they want about things that are addictive, but I think it is more than one’s flesh that gets affected by such urges. Take this whole deal of that famous candy’s slogan about how it melt’s in your mouth, but won’t melt otherwise.

I wonder if anyone has stopped to truly ponder if it really melts when you eat it? I suppose I have snacked on them enough to say I think so, but I can say for certain.

What is my point to this little reflection? Basically that we take such comments as gospel when it conforms to our desires and especially if we are addicted to whatever.

Yep our brains are such marvelous tools. They can operate to well in certain areas that something utterly stupid can sound like genius if we want it bad enough.

And thank god the people in advertising figure this out ages ago. Instead of appealing to logic they appealed to lust. Brains will never will out over emotions no matter how hard we care to pretend otherwise.

For me this is a pure godsend. Er, perhaps I should risk invoking the name of God for this kind of thing. However for me I truly love this aspect of human nature.

As a politician it just makes my life so much easier. If you can inspire any variety of emotions in someone either good or bad you can get them to pretty much agree to something whether it really makes sense or not. Sound impossible? Well it happens every day. And the fact that some like to presume people are smarter than that are on occasions my best customers.

So like moseys along, lie built upon lie where you use feel good bricks. The warm fuzzies are so joyful if you work them right.

That’s my job. I warm them up ALL OVER and then they get so dang happy they never notice that I’m picking their pockets in the process. Which is even better when after I’ve pulled out all the cash I sit down and send them tab for the whole event. Now that folks is class in my book. It is the one with the rules that start out “Rash rules, everyone else drools!” Regrettably it isn’t in print. But then I’m not sure I would want to even if I could. That would be a tad unwise to spoil the game and illusion of “are we having fun yet?” with some disgusting truth that I cheat when at all possible.

There you have it. You may not want my crap to melt in your mouth regardless, but you don’t have to worry about it melting in your brain considering I’ll make sure you are so darn addicted and numb and happy in a stupid way to even care regardless.

I guess I should be toddling off at this point. After all I have a speech to give. It will definitely have enough syrup to melt in their mouths. That will keep them from noticing how their brain has rotted in the process. Why spoil the fun with such boring details when it is so much more full of smiles to just let the brain think it is in charge.

TAKE IT OR TAKE IT

My ego always gets a boost from the times I find myself negotiating from a point where I can dictates the options to someone else. And I admit I’m never fair in such situations. I just point the gun of choice against their head and make them pull the trigger. It just comes down to the person having to either accept things my way or not at all.

Once and a while you do run across the perhaps who refuses to go along with the program. So I do experience a degree of disappointment that I missed out on my opportunity to victimize somebody. Those aren’t my most memorable moments in that regard. Here I am having a fire sale on my ethics and are bargain prices and the person says no sale. That just isn’t the answer that I’m looking for.

Well despite those detours from joy there is one situation, which truly gives me a reason to smile. That is where the person has no alternative than to accept your offer no matter how unfair it is. It becomes a matter of take it or take it. They are so desperate they absolutely can’t choose to ignore whatever option I offer.

Adding to my shear bliss in such situations is when I have to make such an offer to someone who stabbed me in the back or I assumed they did. Mercy to me is the name of a chick I knew who used to work the corner of — um you get the idea.

But of course what good would it be to hold up such a glorious and vile standard and not also be a devoted hypocrite? For me if I find myself in the situation where somebody else has the means to dictate terms to me I am not a happy camper about it. I’m a whiner. I will vent a great deal about the injustice. I can dish it out so to speak, but never expect me to enjoy taking it in that regard.

Now my basic philosophy in that regard is to try and bribe as many people as I can to be sure when I have an emergency I keep out of that situation. That also means I have to be careful that I don’t stab those allies in the back. Well as long as there is a chance I’ll need them down the road.

What we are talking about here is basic Limburger Social Policy. In other words, be social as long as you get what you want. You were expecting maybe me to talk about some dribble such as making friends?

Ah yes the guidelines for me will always be best observed when I never forget my number one rule. That is “Rash first and everyone else way down on the priority scale.” It is a rule that I normally don’t have to augment with any other rules.

The big pain is having to lie about it with people like the voters. But you know after a while I have learned to cope with that problem. It does help when I count on people not remembering the campaign promises I didn’t keep by the next election.

In the meantime here’s hoping you find that smile you need to get when you have to deal with some form of cooperation. May it ultimately end up on your side of the plus column!

AS GOOD AS OLD

Ever have anyone try to explain to you why some old worn whatever is still good? Guys can be like that in general at times with things like old favorite shirts and worn out easy chairs. But that isn’t the reference I’m thinking of for this posting.

I’m speaking more of when I’m working at City Hall. Every once and a while we get a chance to upgrade some equipment such as a copier. Now since I’m such a piker in terms of spending money on this kinds of things you can appreciate I always buy cheap.

So logically you would kind of figure employees would get all excited when I let them know that this month or year is the one for new equipment. Like I said you would assume that was the case.

However there are occasions when I’ll have some employee who will actually become so attached to a piece of equipment that they actually will get anxiety over changing it. I call it attached when you give something a pet name and talk to it like it is some kind of friend.

The problem is that I don’t always know when they feel that way. At least until we are looking to replace it. Boy do I get some interesting meetings when that happens.

I ask you what would you do if some gal was sitting in your office nearly in tears and mumbling incoherently about why we had to keep the same coffee maker or copier? Even if the thing only works part of the time and isn’t that good to start with, by golly do they panic over the thought of putting it out of its misery.

Now I do admit that it does seem a tad silly to have to deal with such things. But I don’t know, I guess I tolerate it.

In a way I think I’m still toying with ways to turn this idea into a story. Maybe a nice novel. One that would be totally bizarre and funny.

I would have to make it bizarre and funny because I seriously doubt that anybody would think it was true. And one of these days I may even figure out how to be put it in a novel form.

In the meantime I do take the time to keep little stories about my meetings in my desk. I have a wonderful collection of episodes. I have even organized them by equipment. It just seemed to make more sense that way.

The one thing I don’t do is share this detail with the employees. I mean a person that things of a coffee maker as a person isn’t that likely to appreciate the literary effort I am using to try and make it a humorous story.

So I just keep that file growing and growing. Which is about to get a new chapter. We are shopping for a new phone system. I can’t wait for the new round of meetings!

THE MORE, THE HARRIER

Well I wish this saying didn’t even have to be one that I used. But let me tell you sometimes more only ends with extra stress. I didn’t say I’m celebrating this reality, merely that it is one I face too often.

No I’m not trying to find a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have any trouble finding people to listen when I want to gripe. True, normally it is some “rent-a-date,” but for the right price she’ll pretty much listen to any crap and I have to say. And for an extra fee she’ll pretend that it is interesting and even act like she cares. So there!

Meanwhile getting back to this whole business of stress and the times it seems to come in ways, you can be darn sure that I am well aware it isn’t going to change. I wish it would, but I know better.

So why take up some posting rambling over obvious dribble? I say why not! I mean I do have occasion to poke around and take a check of other blogs from time to time. And believe me griping seems to be real big part of blogging from what I can tell.

Yep, if you can’t gripe then it just doesn’t seem to be a worthy blog. Except for those type that are “ahem” informative. So guy out there decides he wants to enlighten us to whatever and does. Good for him. Maybe we can figure a way to reward him with some kind of good guy crown. That is providing I can steal it from that darn insipid do-gooder in my city, Lance Allworthy. I don’t really feel like saying too much more about him than necessary. It is too depressing to a guy like me to have to think about some guy who actually wants to help people!

Anyway, getting back to the joy of this whole mess. I don’t know, I really savor looking forward to any day, which seems to have a pulse that screams, “this is going to make you wish you were dead” kind of experience. I don’t personally revel in that kind of sensation. Some might, but not me.

And you know what my enduring cure is for this problem? I find some poor slob to dump my grief on. Yep let the harrier part grow hair on some other dude’s shoulders.

Is that really a plausible form of solution? Well maybe not for you, but it sure works for me. I’m mean I’m a guy in the driver’s seat in terms of things like seeing that my city stays on the road to a reasonable spot of progress. True, my map may not be as detailed some might prefer, but hey it does work for me.

So if I have to keep from any detours and roadblocks by changing the traffic signs from some other clown gets lost, so be it. Hey, I never said this was fair. I just said that it worked for me.

Now if you want it to work for you then you need to get my kind of driver’s license. One that you only get after you are elected thanks to having changed enough signs and lied about it that nobody knows where they are going for sure.

EASY

I wish everything that I had been told in life that was easy turned out to be that way. That phrase about something being “a piece of cake” leaves out the part about whether the cake is hard as a rock. I know leave it to me to come up with that observation.

What I can really hate myself for is the number of times that I’ve taken somebody’s word for something being easy. And the really, really stupid part is if they have been wrong in the past and I still believe them the next time! Now that is part I never seem to change, which is of course my fault, but it doesn’t mean I like it or have been able to change it.

Admittedly we only worry about things being easy when they are impossible. Difficult doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So in reality we do have more reason to be concerned when we have some fear something is not going to happen.

That is my feeling from my own experiences. I wish it were otherwise. I so wish that easy was as easy to have take place as it was to say. And I wish that hard was never as hard as it honestly turned out to be.

About the only redeeming part to any of this for me is that as a politician I do get the joy of saying whatever I want regardless of how hard or easy something actually turns out to be in terms of reality. Now that is the best part. A few lies, a few broken promises and TA-DAH I get the joy of not having to worry about how easy something was in terms of the image the public sees.

Of course the main challenge is the art of clever finger pointing. I have to be sure that people know it wasn’t my fault, but I have to avoid blaming a given person so I risk that person telling the truth.

Basically I handle that part by saying we will have a “fact finding” committee investigate the problem. I pick the committee of course. Unless there is too much heat then I give the public names of impressive people they might trust.

Only I control when the meetings take place and what with so many people being such publicity hounds they often are content just to be listed with credit for being on the committee. That way they don’t ever question when there are no meetings if they even remember being on the committee in the first place. In the end, most of the time I do manage to luck out and have some other problem come up so people forget the one that I said was easy that really wasn’t.

I know this all sounds a bit complicated just to save face when something that was claimed to be easy turned out not to be. But heck, it is all part of the big picture. That is the one I try to keep as fuzzy as possible so nobody sees the truth.

What can I say? For me it is a living. And anytime I can make that easy I feel like a success!

SURVIVING

The Limburger concept of surviving will probably not quite fit the more traditional view. I do get to watch movies and normally survival in the movies seems to be one guy, who is wounded, unarmed and alone managing to kill an army of enemy bad guys that are heavily armed.

Now I admit that is a great way to survive, but a little shall we say “creative.” It might work in the movies, but in real life if you try that about the only survival your are going to get is having your widow survive the funeral bill!

So while some might want to imagine they are superman for myself I’d rather invest in a little more practical application for survival. And it is the one time when I recommend honesty. Now listen carefully. I said honesty, not truth. What is the difference? For me honesty is what you tell yourself. Truth is what others expect you to tell them.

In this case for example when it comes to what I tell others I say whatever version of truth that appeases. However for the sake of survival I do have to be honest with myself.

I didn’t say I liked it, just that I recognize that without that honesty I can plan a good survival strategy. So it means among other things admitting that I’m not the bravest, strongest or smartest person on the planet. In terms of survival that means accepting there are times I’m going to need help and lots of it.

The tricky part is being able to know all of that while maintaining a fantasy image with my voters. They aren’t as inclined to vote for a guy with all my flaws. So there is no way I’m going to admit them to others. Not as a form of denial, just for the sake of not opening myself up to any added threats.

It is sort of like sitting and cheering for the cavalry while the whole time having sold guns to the Indians. Only you don’t tell the Indians that half the bullets you sold them were blanks. Then once the battle is over you arrange to send out the medics and of course later since the medics work for you then you get to bill both sides for the medical expenses! Now I call that a real classy way of surviving.

Of course I also forgot to mention that while the troops and Indians are duking it out you are sneaking around comforting the women. Hey the poor ladies deserve some attention too.

And when it is all over, you get to go on vacation with all the extra profit you made. Which is a good thing in case one of the ladies you comforted happens to end up expecting.

Which brings me to the final aspect of survival. Following my form of survival it is critical that one be sure under no circumstances that you give the ladies your real name. A little prevention in thinking up a good alias can save a fortune in paternity suits and visits from angry husbands.

LIVING IN A CIVILIZED WORLD

Civilized I suppose like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. At least on the surface we call our society civilized. We have laws, leaders, religions and all the other things that might allow us to claim to be civilized.

If only those elements were enough to guarantee that we behaved civilized. Having a new brand of gun to shoot someone is hardly what I would call progress in terms of being more civilized. However sometimes I do wonder if that I some way doesn’t become one of our standards.

After all when you think about it we do seem to be far better and inventing newer ways of killing each other more often than improving ways to preserve life. And from a civilized standpoint that is hardly logical when you figure death comes naturally without any of us working at it. Whereas surviving and living as long as possible are real challenges.

I believe all of that in part is because despite the capacities of our brains we are also still animals in part. And it is the animal instinct that has to be appeased from time to time. So we go a little crazy in the head and do something well, like an animal.

All of that to me is the natural order of things. Which is why it does annoy me when we try to pretend we are somehow able to rise above that aspect in our essence. It might be noble to want being civilized to mean we all turn into pussy cats in terms of how we treat each other, but let me tell you some are still going to have plenty of lion in them.

No, I’m not intending to use this given posting to wax philosophically on life in general. I’m just making an observation for what it is worth that to me it seems we are hopelessly fickle creatures who want the best of all worlds. You notice I didn’t say the best of both worlds.

The way I see it there are more than two options in that regard. We can have a compromise of sorts on this civilized thing. That is providing people will stop getting ridiculous about their expectations. When they do we get the utopian advocates. They are the ones that believe we can fix our problems in such a way that we can truly be nothing, but civilized.

Good luck is all I can say. You can spend all your spare time contemplating that possibility and in the end it won’t happen. I’m not being a pessimist. I’m simply stating the obvious.

So take a little advice for your Uncle Rash. Give yourself a break. When you feel that urge to act a little goofy don’t feel guilty about it.

Okay maybe you should consider not necessarily sharing the mood with the rest of the world, but go ahead and act a little weird. Just be sane about it. Try to find a way that won’t end up getting you a free holiday at the hotel with bars on the windows. The boys in the uniforms who carry guns and badges don’t have much of a civilized attitude when it comes to that kind of behavior!

LABOR SPENDING DEVICES

I was browsing around this home improvement center the other day. Normally I don’t frequent such places since I’m hardly very handy with tools. But once and a while I like to drop by and check out the stuff while pretending that I’m a Mr. Fix-it kind of guy. Of course since I am not really one I do have to fake it. Which doesn’t work too bad in some cases since I have listened enough to guys who do repair junk talk to learn a few key words. Enough to get by as long as nobody asks me any technical questions.

The reason I even get involve with any of this in the first place is well, I like the idea of looking like I’m a man’s kind of guy. Hey even us wimps have a right to pretend once and awhile. And to me nothing makes you seem more like a real honest-to-goodness manly man that knowing about tools and repairs and crap like that. At least it sounds good.

So there I was poking around the tool area and picking them up to examine them. Not that I had a clue on what some of them were for, but I thought it looked impressive.

That’s when I saw some sign about what are called “labor saving devices.” Which are supposedly in theory items that save you time if you use them as opposed to doing it some other way.

Now the whole idea with this naturally is that you have some reason to honestly use that kind of device in the first place. And while it might save you time my question is does it save money too? Okay I don’t want that trite response about time being money. You are assuming by that comment that I’m I have a reason to do whatever labor that I need to save time by buying some tool. That’s a pretty darn big assumption.

Which is my point. See while some guys might sit there and look all smug and say I got this gizmo (that’s one of those cool buzz words repair guys seem to use a lot) that saves me “x” amount of time when I use it.

The one thing they never mention is about how it cost them a bundle in order to have the privilege of boasting I can do whatever faster than anybody else. It is just me or do I smell a con that appeals to somebody’s pride with this thing?

In any case I generally avoid those so-called labor saving devices since it means you got to spend labor at some point with them. And there is one thing I don’t like to do it is spend labor! I’d rather pay somebody else to sweat if I can.

I figure it is more fun to pay some other joker to spend his time trying to save a buck by forking over the cash to get some tool he might only use once and a while. That’s find by me.

As for my garage, well I’m happy to just park my car in it. Oh I do have a few tools on the walls. There are few souvenirs of the time when my male ego got the best of me and I gave into that urge to buy some labor saving device. But I still figure you know that it isn’t all bad since it might impress some handyman I have to hire for whatever. And in the process I do get to be free from worry about it ending up a labor spending device since the tool is just going to sit on the wall and look cool. Now that I call a real savings!

PROBLEMS

The very mention of this word is enough to give some people the shakes. However to me problems are sort like the weather. It might seem like a strange comparison, but I think I feel that way because a problem is really a matter of perception. And even though you might disagree I see the weather in the same category.

For example, let me mention something like rain. To a farmer, rain is often a good thing. Unless it is so much that one gets floods. Then I imagine they are rejoicing. Whereas if you live in the city and the rain keeps you from enjoying an outing it can viewed as a problem.

In both cases rain is rain. It is as I said a matter of perception. Thus weather is what it is, we are the ones who interpreted by our values.

I see problems in a similar category in that regard. What is a problem for one person may be a blessing to another person. That can itself be a problem if you are asked to help someone with their idea of a problem and to you it isn’t a big deal.

Beyond the issue though of things like actually deciding what is a problem there is the reality that everyone faces some kind of problem. There are a whole lot of philosophers and theologians who have tried to give us reason why life is like that, but I’m not sure any one person has come up with a universal truth in that regard.

I have ventured into that murky realm of wonderment myself on occasion. I can’t say I have achieved any epiphany in terms of why this is a reality. I just know that it is.

I also know that most of us would love to not have problems. Well at least most sane people would probably do that in my view. The emphasis of course is on sane people.

However to be honest I’ve observed that there are a whole lot of folks who maybe aren’t totally functioning on a sane level. I say that because from what I’ve seen there are plenty of folks that honestly seem to revel in when they have problems. They simply are never happy unless they are miserable.

Those folks are the ones that are never content to simple enjoy their forced agony. They have to share the joy with everyone else. And if you aren’t where they can tell you about their joy of problems you can be sure they will hunt you down and be sure you find out in one way or another.

The really odd thing I’ve discovered is that these folks honestly don’t want their problems fixed. If you offer them ways to solve the problem you can be sure they will give you an excuse to be sure they keep having the problem.

Ah life is so wonderful. And when you sit in my Mayor’s chair it gets even more interesting. The big problem is knowing when somebody loves having their pain more than any cure. Figuring that part out really makes the difference between if you end up having a smile or frown when dealing with people who only want a frown.

SOLUTIONS

Who doesn’t enjoy having these? Even more so if they actually work. Which brings me to a personal observation on the subject of solutions. This is based on having heard plenty of them as Mayor and discovering in my little fish pond how they are different from answers.

It might seem to be a trivial form of semantics, but from what I have observed when a person tells me he or she has a solution to a problem, I normally is a theory. That is something they truly are convinced will work although it hasn’t been tried yet.

An answer on the other hand is something that is stated with more confidence because it is a solution that was tried in the past and actually worked. Believe me when you have some issue that you have to deal with the difference can be very important.

Now even those none of this is written down anywhere and not recorded in some book of rules about problem solving I still experience it quite often. That is why it is something I have had to learn to recognize. The one thing that happens when I don’t and I ignore or fail to listen when the person is talking solution instead of answer can be a disaster.

It is amazing too how so often I end up finding how the same people are far better at offering solutions instead of real answers. These are the “advice” people. Those who are rich in advice and poor in wisdom. Sometimes they get the title “expert” because they have an advanced degree that suggests they are smart.

Well there are probably plenty of people out there with a Masters or Doctorate who are smart. I won’t claim they are not. But let’s be honest, their knowledge is often more theoretical than practical. You have to take it and use it in some way before it becomes other than just theory.

To me that is a world of difference from my experience. I can be sitting there in my office and have a meeting with some “expert” on a given subject who is going to offer me a way to solve a problem. Well I’ll listen and then afterwards I spend a little time chatting with them.

It generally take to long to find out if they are right out of graduate school or have several years of experience. But even if they don’t tell me all the details, which is rare, the one thing I normally find that helps to tell the difference is costs. The theoretical people never have and exact price tag. How could they? You can only know what something costs if you actually spent money on it before.

Whereas the experienced people will often pull out a calculator and start crunching numbers. They can often give me a realistic cost so I know if their answer will be affordable.

However most of the time I encounter more solutions than answers from people. And then I have to sit down and take the “best” guess approach to whether or not I chose to trust their choice. It’s all fun when it works. When it doesn’t, it is speech time to lie my way through why another solution wasn’t an answer.

COME AND LEAVE IT

This is the Limburger take on that old saying “come and get it.” That was I believe mainly having to do with meals. Grandma would be whipping up a scrumptious banquet. She did all the sweating and cooking and then when she was done you got to hear her say those fateful words before you went it to stuff your face. What isn’t said in all of that is how it was free. Granny’s are like that. Well at least that is the prevailing image.

Now with my version, I don’t take the giving granny approach. Mine is tailor to more practical considerations such as the fact that I’m not about to sweat if there is any way to avoid it. Not me. You can forget that idea.

Secondly I never do anything for free. Granny might have had deep pockets, but mine are not going to get empty by any freebe. Nope that doesn’t work for me.

So my twist on this is naturally that you do get to come to my event or need or whatever and when you are there you get to leave it as in your time, labor or money. Fair is fair as I see it. Little if anything worth while ever turns out to be for free. So why should I in any way mess with the natural order of things? Why give people help they won’t find somewhere else?

Instead I believe it helping to guide people according to their proper balance in the system. Translation: Make sure people have no illusions about where they fit in the world. Oh I do enjoy passing on a feast of hope. I have learned how people with hope work harder than those without any.

That is the consummate strategy I employ in my war of smiles and votes. I keep the casualties among the troops to a minimum while hoping to always render my political enemy a lethal blow.

Okay that is all the joyous rhetoric of my view of life. It works for me. And you know what? Judging from the countless times people line up to volunteer when they think they will profit in the process I have a feeling it works for a lot of people besides me.

In the meantime I won’t complain if granny wants to continue her practice of slaving away at some stove to give her grandkids a big meal for free. Knock herself out I say. And I’ll even join it. Hmmm, I wonder if she would notice if I brought a bag to fill up with goodies to take back for some party I’m having. I mean if she is giving it away why not figure a way to cut down my expenses in the process? I doubt if she’ll mind. Plus it will give me a little extra profit cushion.

Guess I’m off to venture into the armpit of life called having to mingle with the blood sucking leeches of people who think this come and get it thing applies to me. There are still a few out there who think like that. Not many, but a few. They do find out sooner or later with me it doesn’t work that way. But the lesson has to continue till every one I have to meet or deal with learns to bring their pocket book full of cash when we meet and leave with it empty.

NOT A BIG DEAL

Most of the time when I hear somebody say this it seems like they are saying it to convince themselves because they don’t really mean it. It is like this person I knew once. She was a woman who was probably as close to being a walking martyr as you could find. She was fond of saying “I feel fine” even when she was deathly sick.

In her case she spent all her time helping others and neglected her own health in the process. What can I say, it was sad, but eventually one of her health problems lead to a disaster.

No she didn’t die. But she nearly did in the emergency room. However her story had sort of a happy ending from my view. That experience shook her up so much that she stopped trying to be a martyr. Actually she became down right selfish in the process.

Well that is the subject I will best leave for another posting I suppose. The point is, honestly, that her “I feel fine” was a lie, plain and simple. And when events became a catalyst, it caused her true nature to finally surface.

Which is sort of my point with this whole not a big deal thing. When I hear it I almost always know the person is basically saying, “I’m screaming on the inside, but can’t admit it.”

My basic approach when I hear that is not to tell the person he or she is a liar. Instead I just smile and then let time work against them. Sooner or later I know the person will come back to me and this time it will not only be a big deal, but an out of control fire.

Sometimes if I am lucky and not too distracted by whatever I will manage to figure a way to be sure the fire doesn’t happen. Not because I like the person or care about them, just because it will save me grief later.

The major drawback is that if I do that then the person is free to avoid the danger of it becoming a crisis later. So they can sit and continue believing the lie they tell themselves.

All of this for me is a game of emotional checkers I guess. It is hoping that somehow I can keep the person from giving up or running to try and find more checkers when they lose the ones they were given. The whole time of course I listen to their saying it was no big deal.

You know I love the times in life when somebody lies besides me. Somehow it makes me feel better about myself to know that denial is in reality just another form of fabrication.

In the meantime life goes on and I just keep hoping I can avoid too many cases of big deals that somebody claims is no big deal. Who knows perhaps one of these days and one of the times they claim it will be true. But it’s no big deal.

UPHILL, DOWNWARD PAIN

I can’t say that I always enjoy a challenge. But sometimes it is helpful to the ego. Providing you win or at least figure a way to cheat so you can win or brag like you did.

There’s that old saying about no pain, no gain. However I would like to suggest that maybe, just maybe it might be good if the pain part was done by one person and the gain by another. I’ll volunteer for the gain part.

Maybe that isn’t the concept behind the saying, but I think it is closer to the truth in a lot of situations. For example with war. The generals get the glory and any gain from a victory and the poor ordinary soldier gets the pain if he avoids getting killed altogether!

On a less severe level you also have the aspect of work in general. The president of a company might work hard, but I imagine the pain or sweating part happens mainly to the guy at the bottom.

So even though this saying might be associated with something like exercise, I think it really does have a much broader value. It for me is the philosophical statement that is the foundation for most of our society. That’s right, power rules and those without it end up having a case of the drools. (Had to make that rhyme somehow!)

I for one enjoy this process as it applies to my own benefit. If anything I am partially jealous of the big boys in politics who get so much more gain while letting so many others know the pain.

The big danger to this whole process comes from those silly and unreasonable people that belief in odd thinks like fairness. I’m sorry folks, but from my point of view fairness and all its offspring in one form or another is merely an illusion. It is a wonderful fantasy that would work if nobody on the planet is a greedy selfish rat like me. But we know that isn’t going to happen. So instead we get the I gain you get the pain option.

Along the way once and a while you end up with the boys at the top actually doling out a little gain to the little guy. Oh this is rare, which I imagine mainly happens when they can shake stupid wave of conscience we all tolerate from time to time. So they get rid of that problem by simply giving a token of relief and then it is business as usual.

Which is fine by me as long as I can stay on the right side of the gain instead of the pain side. Hey what can I say, I have a low tolerance to pain. Okay I’m lazy. But at least I am smart enough to appreciate it. So that works in my favor in keeping my brain functioning on more and creative ways to let the other slob have the pain portion.

We call it life in this great democracy. When I say we I do me the gain people. Those on the pain side obviously have a different name for it. However I don’t use that kind of language in my postings.

All Dressed and No where to...

The dressing up part is not the hard aspect of any of this too me. It is the no where to portion that can be annoying to say the least.

As Mayor I get invited to all kinds of events. Actually it is more like getting stuck. Unless you consider having to attend some boring dinner where I have to listen to another liar give a speech as fun. Plus where do they find the worst food imaginable to serve at these things? Did somebody spend time figuring out to make a chicken out of rubber so it wouldn’t spoil? As for what they laughingly call vegetables, I’ve accidentally tasted cardboard that had more flavor.

But I digress. The biggest problem for me isn’t getting stuck going to such activities despite how it might seem. My main problem is worrying about not being invited to the cool parties. I don’t feel any sadness when I figure a way to weasel out of attending some lame affair. I do feel remorse when I get snubbed in terms of not getting a chance to go to some truly great event.

I have to admit that I take such disappointments very personal. I work very hard as Mayor trying to suck up to the right people. My city is like any city. We have our “in crowd.” Normally that involves individuals with plenty of bucks and naturally a certain amount of power. These are the mover and shakers in my city. The type you want to hang with if you expect to get anything accomplished.

What I hate is when I find out they are planning an event and I don’t get invited. That I treat as meaning I somehow failed in terms of having earned enough brownie points in their eyes to deserve to be included in their event.

Making things worse at the times is when I do get invited to some activity I genuinely want to attend then I get all excited only to find out at the last minute they cancelled the event. Or at least that is the excuse they give me. Yep even as Mayor I get those moments too.

It’s all part of surviving the political and social jungle in which I live. What can I say, I might find the whole process less than appealing in some ways, but that doesn’t keep me from having to cope with it good or bad.

I have been giving thought though to ways I might manage in some way to change this program. Sort of form of social insurance that would take the stress out of the process.

However at present the only thing I can think of that might help is some form of blackmail. And gee I don’t know, but the greedy side of my nature comes out and I just can bear the idea of squandering some perfectly good incriminating evidence on something as trivial as a party. Why waste it for a few laughs when it might help out my pocket book in another situation.

So till I manage a different strategy I guess I still continue playing the game and hoping to avoid the pitfalls of rubber chicken platters as often as possible.

HE WENT THAT PLAY

Yep, color me gone as the trite saying sometimes says in terms of trying to be clever. Ah yes there is nothing finer than to be some place kinder! Okay I’m not turning poet here, just expressing the simple joy of admitting I like to play.

And honestly what good is life if you can’t smile once and a while? That’s my philosophy. Only I think at times I’m alone in that regard. Now that is truly depressing too. Because the problem is that too many darn people don’t seem to be able to enjoy life and apparently don’t want anyone else to do so either.

True there are times when life sucks. It would hardly inspire to pretend otherwise. Okay so you have a lousy job. So what if you are married and have a sex life that well, only exists in your head. (Or am I the only one for whom most of the time the only fireworks in our bedroom occur when we look out the window on the Fourth of July?)

Anyway I’m sure I’m not saying anything that anyone else hasn’t been through themselves plenty of time. Which is my whole point. Why let the part of your life you can control suck as bad as the part you can’t?

Maybe you can’t get rich or famous. Perhaps you’ll never have respect, love or the kind of happiness they portray in movies. So what? It doesn’t mean you can’t invent some other way to enjoy life. I know I do.

My biggest problem is that whenever I work at this I always end up with too many darn people who seem to sense my frivolous plotting to steal a smile or two. That’s when they love descending upon my rear end and figuring some way to ruin my party.

Frankly if hating life and loving being unhappy is your hobby by all means knock yourself out. Just don’t bug me about it. Go out there and frown and pretend you are some martyr. I’ll even applaud and send you as sympathy card if you need one. But for crying out loud don’t expect me to join you.

As a politician I have the added complication of being around so many people who think just because they voted for me I ought to work all the time at being a Mayor. You silly ninnies! I want to tell you that from my point of view in order to really serve the public I need to be relaxed so my creative side will flourish. That doesn’t happen by accident or if I’m too bored. It takes work to make goofing off truly blessed!

I know I’m probably wasting my breath on some of you. I shall pity you and most likely toast your misery and wish it will come to an end. In fact I’ll even toast it several times if it will help. Just don’t expect me to want to join you grump club. That I won’t do.

Now for any of you who are willing to listen to reason and simply haven’t crossed over that rapturous bridge of knowing how great it is to be lazy without appearing so, I say welcome. If you need any pointers on how to turn this visit into a lifestyle I’ll be glad to help. And my rates for such lessons are generally reasonable. At least too me!

QUICK RESULTS

This always looks so great when you see it in a commercial. They have those “before” and “after” pictures of whatever or whoever used their products. And they imply if you use their product that you will get “quick” results. Basically they are suggesting you will get the same results as those you see in the commercial.

Like those diet commercials or fitness commercials. The after picture is always of some truly attractive model type. And they love to give you the impression that is how you will look. Well that is providing you don’t look in the mirror!

I’m sorry and I don’t mean to be cruel here, but Mother Nature is sometimes blessed in my opinion with a real sadistic sense of humor! How else can you explain the silliness of how some of us end up looking.

So who can blame somebody for wanting to undo the mess created by Mother Nature. But hey we are talking realistic here, not miracles. There is just so much a plastic surgeon or fitness trainer can do. And let me tell you in reality that isn’t going to be quick either.

What is even more fun is the part where at the end they have some announcer speaking very fast and at a whisper that mutters about results may vary. Of course they aren’t going to tell you that before then. If they did you might not watch the rest of the advertisement.

There are some things where you don’t actually need fast results. Like say getting you’re car repaired. Oh you don’t want to wait forever, but if takes a day then that’s no big deal.

However advertisers do appreciate with things like diet products you WANT and expect fast results. I mean you want to be able to get it over with as soon as possible so you can go back to stuffing your face. Tell me I’m not right on that one.

So the game and stupidity continues. We know it is all silly. We know that we probably going to get quick results in the same way that fast food will be fast. But we fall for it anyway.

As for me, just knowing it will always work gives me hope. I mean as long as I can count on people buying into that fantasy then I know there is hope for my future as a politician. Yep, there is nothing to grace my day better than to see some poor overweight soul trying to get by eating some protein bar for lunch in hopes that when they wake up in the morning they will be a hundred pounds lighter. I know they are aware that is a joke, but what can you say, they fall for it just like the rest of us when it comes to quick result promises that are never going to be quick. Life goes on and we all get to sing the same stupid song. Over and over. I almost feel like I should be leading a choir at this point that starts out, “We are the gullible yes we are, just tell us nothing, but bull because we’ll buy it constantly!”

CLASS ACTION

Well there is the “legal” implication of this term and the Limburger interpretation. The legal one is where some lawyer sues on behalf of a whole class of individuals who were treated illegally by some corporation. And once they prove it in court the corporation had to compensate the victims as the court decides.

So much for justice and one way it occurs. As for me, the class action from my Limburger point of view doesn’t even require a lawyer. I’m speaking of the kind of action that has class attached to it. At least from my view of class. I won’t say that applies to everyone else.

Yep, to me the best kind of class is where you can rip a person off and make them think you were helping them. If you work it right they will actually be grateful and sing your praises. Heck in some cases they may even give you a present as appreciation.

Of course I’m a practical person. And an understanding one too. I mean understanding in terms of grasping the value of how greed is far more practical than the humanitarianism approach.

So in my finer moments of lust and inspiration I end up doing a favor for someone at the city’s expense, with a small “fee” for myself. Then while the guy is off enjoying the “fruits” of my aid, I spend a little time with his spouse enjoying other kinds of fruits. Afterwards I get my buddy Hugo Muckraker to put a story in the newspaper where he shows off what a great guy I am. That includes a testimony from the person I helped that is naturally totally oblivious to all the other ways I helped myself to his personal “assets.”

And if I achieve all of that while in no way anybody, but perhaps Hugo (and maybe the dude’s wife or a motel clerk knowing the truth) I call that the epitome of class action. Now do I get any credit or thanks for such a masterful work of art? Am I the least rewarded with any form of praise for my discipline and devotion to my craft? Of course not. I must sadly be content to share my humble labors in a place such as this (where I don’t have to worry about taking the fifth, unless it is a fifth of Scotch.)

In the meantime you can be assured that Rash Limburger will not let you down. I’ll be out there working night and day to spread the gospel of true class action by doing anybody and everybody I can. Somebody has to take a stand and be the model of the ideal in terms of corruption. And I have reluctantly accepted that mantle upon my shoulders.

Perhaps some day I’ll savor the joy of having this part of my life celebrated in a time that is more “accepting” of such creative forms of kindness. What? You don’t consider that to be kindness? You see now that is the main problem. It gets so hard to find minds that are truly receptive to the real concept of class action. Most people have this silly idea that is has to do with helping a class of people. I say one person can be in a class by himself. I rest my case!

DOING IT WITH SASS

It might not be popular in some circles, but personally I sort of admire the person who wins at something and then shows they are arrogant about it. Where did this silly idea come from that you have to have a killer mentality to be a champion, but a pussycat personality once you’ve won your title? At least it seems that way too me at times.

To me it is like saying, “I’m so sorry that I just kicked your butt in that competition. I sure hope you will forgive me.” Instead what is probably being thought is “hey pal, I’m better than you and if you don’t like it I’ll do it again and again and again because I can.”

I doubt you’ll hear that comment on any sports interview after a match. We might sneer, we might claimed to be shocked if we were to hear that kind of attitude, but I bet a few people would be saying secretly, “alright, now that’s the kind of attitude I like to see.”

Maybe I’m being silly, but it just seems we don’t want that kind of honesty in competition. It might be the truth, but we sure don’t want to know it.

And nowhere does it bother me more than in politics. Like with the whole idea of concession speeches. Personally since I cheat in my elections for Mayor I have been spared that need up till now, but if the day ever comes that I do have to give one, I don’t think hugs and kisses will be part of it.

I mean let’s get real here. During a campaign where you have two or more candidates exhausting themselves calling their opponents any number of things other that something good. You get your share of lies, finger pointing and a whole lot of promises that if you are elected you won’t screw the public like that clown of an opponent might.

Does any of that honestly produce buddies between the candidates? Not if they are normal and human.

So how come after the election is over the loser has to be gracious and say something totally stupid like “Let’s all get behind and support the winner.” I can bet you that isn’t what the person is thinking when by himself!

Unfortunately that just isn’t socially or politically correct. Just like it isn’t consider good form for the winner to get up with an acceptance speech and thank the voters for having the brains to vote for the right person. Like I said that is the way he might feel in private, but he’s not likely to say it so in public.

But we call all of that silliness as democracy in action. I call it social window dressing. A big curtain of lies we pull over the truth so we don’t have to look at the real mess inside. And I LOVE it. Because I can get the best of both world. A chance to appear gracious in my contrived victory and an opportunity in private to keep celebrating how cheaters do in some cases actually prosper!

PILES UPON PILES

Ah pack rat heaven. Well for people who love piles it is. And we have a few of them at city hall. They just love to find a spare closet or desk to hide crap when they run out of room.

I don’t think I would mind if it was good crap. However so often it is stuff that to me makes no sense at all. I’m sorry, but if you have a need to save old magazines or empty paper clip boxes can you do it at home?

Apparently that is not the case with my employees. It is as if they either have a spouse that says, “no way” to them keeping the stuff at home so they keep it at work.

What is really difficult is a pack rat can be truly great and hiding their real nature. You can look at their desk and assume they are sane.

It isn’t till later when you happen to open the door to a closet the use that you go, “Oh my god, we have a supply rodent problem.” And the worse thing is you can even use a mousetrap or exterminator to get rid of them.

I did toy with the idea once. But you know what with the laws government various things like that in terms of human beings I just had to forget it. Ridding yourself of a pack rat by such a means doesn’t count as justified by any court, the unreasonable people!

So my method of dealing with them is to have a “general housekeeping” day at work. That is kind of an amnesty day in one manner. I give the pack rat a chance to get rid of their junk without fear of retribution.

Most of the time it does solve the problem of cleaning out a given closet. It also gives me the illusion I actually did something good.

That is until I come across their next hiding place some time later! It used to depressed me, but now I just use it as an excuse to hold another general housekeeping event.

All and all it becomes sort of a game I guess. My mind verses the mess lovers. Who will win? Naturally I use my own special method of keeping score. At least it makes me happy.

And as long as I avoid having to cope with that one totally die hard pack rat who got so desperate that he or she elected to try and hide crap in my desk drawer, I can live with the consequences. I’m still shaking from the moment I opened my bottom desk hand drawer and found a stuffed squirrel in it!

Here’s hoping that all of you are able to fight the pile of piles battles without any casualties. And if you get into trouble whatever you do, please don’t decide to use my desk as a hideout!

SAFE AND SOUND

I think I’ll always be grateful that some of my employees did not elect to pursue a career such as a pilot or ship’s captain. It isn’t that I wish to be unkind, but when it come to making the kinds of decisions where one’s life might be a risk, these are not people you want involved.

I realize we can’t all be all things. I’m just grateful when some people who have an obvious weakness exercise the wisdom to avoid a choice that would maximize the aspect of their frailty.

Perhaps finding out what tragedy by sea or air has been averted due to such choices will always spare the world, but it doesn’t keep me from being aware. It doesn’t prevent me from having to cope with the idea.

Okay maybe you might think it is silly to even contemplate such things. I just can’t help it. Every time I see one of my numb brained, delusion and hopelessly dysfunctional help gazing with longing eyes at some cruise ship brochure, I break into cold sweats.

I know, they have as much right as the next person to take a cruise. I can hardly prevent it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try to discourage them from that option.

Why? Well mainly for the sake of the other people who take the cruise. I just get these nightmares of my help going on some ship and then noising around. And somewhere they find a switch that opens a drain or whatever. In any event it is for emergencies and you need to be an expert to handle it right. Which naturally they are not. So instead of leaving it alone they turn or pull the switch. The next thing you know it is, “abandon ship, glub, glub, glub.”

Sound absurd? Maybe you can afford to thing so. But personally I think I’m sparing the world from some kind of sea time disaster that would make them forget about the Titanic!

Of course I hardly expect any thank for my efforts. Sometimes doing a good deed that you can’t prove is a good deed without a disaster just has to be left unknown.

As for me, well I do sleep better at night knowing we don’t live near the ocean. I wouldn’t want the risk of having one of my employees moseying around some harbor and getting too curious about anchors or something else that might sink a boat.

Call it being silly. Call it anything you want. But sometimes a Mayor with the help I have has to make choices.

So if you are ever planning to take a cruise and by some fluke I screw up and you see a person with a goofy look on his or her face that is wearing a shirt that says, “I (heart) the Mediocrity City Hall cafeteria” then by all means be sure you know where the life preservers are located!

WHERE'S THERE IS SMOKE THERE IS...

I know the expected answer to this is FIRE. Well duh. So why am I even mentioning it? That’s because I want to amend that saying. To me it should be “where there is smoke there is somebody stupid enough to play with fire!”

Let’s be realistic here. Fire doesn’t have a brain. It only exists because somebody gave it life. So if there is smoke we know darn well that whatever fire is the result of some moron playing with matches or whatever who is too stupid to know what happens when you try the “burn it game!”

Now as usual I want to take this via the political kindling point of view. By that I mean a fire is generally some scandal or emergency. And it ALWAYS has a cause. Normally not a necessarily sane one or something you can explain without ending up looking as stupid as the person who cause the fire in the first place.

So naturally I have to use a fire extinguisher in such situations. The type that works best is a big fat LIE. Well in terms of distracting people so they don’t keep asking, “what is causing all that darn smoke?”

Then when I get them to stop asking I obviously turn my attention to figuring a way to actually putting out the fire. If for some reason that takes a while or there is too much damage from the fire then it is time to play “oh look at that” game.

What is that you might ask? I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying “fighting fire with fire?” That’s where you start a second fire to burn up the possible stuff that the first fire might use to keep burning. The idea hopefully with the second fire you have it under some control so it doesn’t end up in a bigger disaster than the first.

I accomplish that by simply finding some scapegoat to blame for the whole thing. In some cases I even do cause a new fire that I can blame on the person and just manage to get them to take the fall for the first one at the same time.

I imagine there might be a few silly folks out there who say, “that totally sucks!” And I would agree. But I ask you a simple question. “Would there be any reason you would expect a guy as selfish and greedy as myself to in any way risk my own butt for some fire or anything else for that matter?” Then shut up and stop whining about fairness.

Which comes to my Limburger Rules for fire fighting. Basically it is “All is fair in love of me and warring on anybody who possibly risks my love of me!” If you don’t like it, well then don’t decide to move to my town.

This has been another installment of life with Rash. As written, edited and told by Rash. It is a truly wonderful tale that deserves to be read for inspiration by anyone looking for a nice sane way to fight certain kinds of fires. Yep, you gotta give me credit in that department. For after all if you don’t make sure you never get your own fingers burnt by the flames then what is the point? You may quote me if you wish!