CLASS ACTION

Well there is the “legal” implication of this term and the Limburger interpretation. The legal one is where some lawyer sues on behalf of a whole class of individuals who were treated illegally by some corporation. And once they prove it in court the corporation had to compensate the victims as the court decides.

So much for justice and one way it occurs. As for me, the class action from my Limburger point of view doesn’t even require a lawyer. I’m speaking of the kind of action that has class attached to it. At least from my view of class. I won’t say that applies to everyone else.

Yep, to me the best kind of class is where you can rip a person off and make them think you were helping them. If you work it right they will actually be grateful and sing your praises. Heck in some cases they may even give you a present as appreciation.

Of course I’m a practical person. And an understanding one too. I mean understanding in terms of grasping the value of how greed is far more practical than the humanitarianism approach.

So in my finer moments of lust and inspiration I end up doing a favor for someone at the city’s expense, with a small “fee” for myself. Then while the guy is off enjoying the “fruits” of my aid, I spend a little time with his spouse enjoying other kinds of fruits. Afterwards I get my buddy Hugo Muckraker to put a story in the newspaper where he shows off what a great guy I am. That includes a testimony from the person I helped that is naturally totally oblivious to all the other ways I helped myself to his personal “assets.”

And if I achieve all of that while in no way anybody, but perhaps Hugo (and maybe the dude’s wife or a motel clerk knowing the truth) I call that the epitome of class action. Now do I get any credit or thanks for such a masterful work of art? Am I the least rewarded with any form of praise for my discipline and devotion to my craft? Of course not. I must sadly be content to share my humble labors in a place such as this (where I don’t have to worry about taking the fifth, unless it is a fifth of Scotch.)

In the meantime you can be assured that Rash Limburger will not let you down. I’ll be out there working night and day to spread the gospel of true class action by doing anybody and everybody I can. Somebody has to take a stand and be the model of the ideal in terms of corruption. And I have reluctantly accepted that mantle upon my shoulders.

Perhaps some day I’ll savor the joy of having this part of my life celebrated in a time that is more “accepting” of such creative forms of kindness. What? You don’t consider that to be kindness? You see now that is the main problem. It gets so hard to find minds that are truly receptive to the real concept of class action. Most people have this silly idea that is has to do with helping a class of people. I say one person can be in a class by himself. I rest my case!