NEVER AGAIN TILL NEXT TIME

How come we can be such saps for not really learning a lesson when we should? I’m speaking of trying something and it doesn’t matter what it is, but something where in the end it doesn’t work out. In fact it turns out to be a major blunder and totally embarrassing.

So what do we do? We found like dummies, “I’ll never do that again, ever!” Boy that sure sounds good. And it would be so wonderful if we did actually not make the same mistake a second time. However I can speak from personal experience that there have just too many times when I made a promise like that to myself and did keep it.

Is this sane? Nope. It is a good thing? Only if you love feeling stupid. At least that is my view of it.

Now if I was the only one who did this I think it would be worst. But to be honest I see it all the time. Which to me means it is some weird cog in the human brain the gets short circuited from time to time and burns out our logic.

Plus this be honest so many of us are slaves to some compulsion or addiction. I mean you name it and somebody is addicted to it. And there is no way all of those addictions are healthy or good for us, but it doesn’t keep us from doing them anyway. Logic and common sense are not the criteria here are they?

You might be asking why do I even bring this up? I mean am I really saying something nobody else has thought of before?

Nope, but that is probably part of my point. I think we honestly need to stop beating ourselves for such weaknesses. Come on let’s stop playing the never again game since normally that is all it ends up being.

What I’m trying to suggest is pretty much the same thing I always suggest. I want us to have FUN! And the more we stop this foolishness and get down to some pure indulgence because we are weak and proud of it the easier life will become.

And if we need a leader to path the way, I am willing to offer my spineless, weak willed, pillar of Jello and feet of clay self as the perfect candidate to lead this reform. Just imagine how we can transform society and the world with a no-crap, no-nonsense approach to doing, but nonsense. Yep, think of it, we could become the vanguard of compulsive behavior and help free our fellow human beings from their slavery to self-control. Can I get an Amen on that one? Well a shrug will do I suppose.

Okay so what I propose to get this off the ground and start the revolution is that we each vow to not make any more vows. Instead we start saying to heck with it to everything that requires too much time, money or demands we be decent human beings. Then I bet it won’t be long before all the unhappy people notice our smiles from a lack of stress and decide to join in. Afterwards what we can count on is the pure joy of a utopian of lethargy! I call that progress.

WORDS TO SWEAT BY

Nope, I’m not talking about exercise. I might need it and know it would be good for me, but that isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m speaking of words like “investigation.” Or the even equally deplorable, “accountability.”

For a guy like me who has more skeletons than he has closet space, all such words inspire is way too much sweat. So much that I can’t even get enough air conditioning to avoid the beads forming on my forehead.

Alright, I know I could feel less concerned about such words if I would try to do things morally and without ever bending a law. But I do walk a tightrope in that regard. Tell the truth about how much I suck as a Mayor and the reality that our city’s government is totally overpopulated with hopelessly inept personnel or, OR avoid it and make it seem like we are okay.

You see there is more at stake than my little butt. Alright I admit it isn’t quite that little, but in any case if I told the truth then there would be all kinds of employees who would face having their small and petty bureaucratic worlds of red tape threatened.

And to be honest, at least as honest as I can manage, I just don’t have the heart to ruin that many lives. Some of these people worked for the city before I became Mayor. So their incompetent productive and function was stumbling away at the job and I could hardly get rid of them afterwards. That is the difficulty when they are already on the job and nobody ever made the effort to deal with the problem.

So the plain fact is I’m stuck with a silly and dysfunctional city government that sometimes actually manages to do something right. Which means I could either take some radical action that would fix the problem and then lead to an investigation on why it wasn’t fixed in the first place or leave it alone and dressed it up with illusion.

My way, albeit the coward’s way I suppose, keeps our little city’s illusion of being functional in tact. The voters may notice the occasional blunder, but overall they never learn just how utterly hopeless and beyond any degree of improvement resides in the tentacles of local government power and function. Hey that’s not bad, I’ll have to remember that to insert in some speech.

Meanwhile I faithfully provide a nice and wonderful fairy tale to the citizens of my city. I’m happy, they’re happy and the employees are happy. As they say “ignorance is bliss.” And in my city we’ve got about as much bliss in that regard as anyone could possible want!

As far as I’m concerned that is a form of utopia and as long as nobody looks below the surface it functions. And you can be sure that I do everything I can to make sure they don’t. Plus spend all my energy doing what I can to keep those darn “sweaty” words fro ever becoming more than a theory to talk about, but never actually act on. That is as close as I ma able to come to heaven and still not have to have wings or tell the truth!

ALL ISN'T FAIR AND THAT IS GREAT

Yep, you read it right I said unfair is great. Oh maybe if you are talented, smart, good looking or possess any marketable skill you want fair, but not me. Shoot if I had to depend on being successful by my qualifications without lying I’d be in big trouble.

So the system basically favors those of us who can spread the thickest and most convincing layer of manure. And speaking for those of us for whom that option works, I say thank you! Thanks for giving me a break and proving that being utterly6 incompetent doesn’t have to keep you from being rewarded in this life. Heck with the right kind of effort and publicity you can even go on to earn fame and get elected to office without ever once having done a single thing to deserve it.

I call that living the American dream. I call it a success story that screams pride. True there are plenty out there that would give it a different name and that’s okay too. As for me, well, it might not be fair to those who truly merit being popular, but it works. Come to think of it with the way I manipulate, lie and cheat most things work for me and the ones that don’t I can still claim they do.

Now that is a true measure of success in my book. That’s the one I write in pencil so I can change the information when things don’t conform to my lies and I can’t fix it in time.

As for any of you out there that would insist life ought to be more fair or equal. What can I say? Try and find a complaint department if you want. Lord knows you can find everything else on the internet so you can probably find that too.

Of course having somebody listen to your complaint and actually getting them to do something about the problem are two incredibly different options aren’t they? Ah, still the illusion of fairness and having someone to think you are cool when you aren’t is enough to keep most people content with their façade of fairness if they have one.

You might be suggesting though that if the current system didn’t afford me undeserved breaks and I got stuck having to be rewarded by my talent would I still feel the same way? Thank god I don’t have to find out. And you can be darn sure that there is no way I’m going to try and test the system to see if it can be altered. I might not be the smartest or most gifted person on the planet, but I refuse to be that dumb.

Meanwhile for you crouches out there who feel you’ve been given the shaft, well you do have my condolences. Which is the affordable way of saying I care without actually caring. Hey what can I say? Would you expect otherwise?

Gosh I wish I could spend more time reflecting on this wonderful subject, but I’m late for a special dinner where they are giving me yet another award that I don’t deserve. In fact I can’t even remember what this one is for. I think it is for being a humanitarian or something. Well I’ll take the trophy and add it to my case along with all the others I’ve collect and didn’t deserve. What can I really say about that? As long as my name is on the thing, it is good enough for me. It has to be since I couldn’t get any of them by my abilities!

DONE, DID AND FINISHED

Isn’t it wonderful how when a project is complete it can have more than one form of being complete? You would sort of think when somebody told you they were done with an assignment and what they did and so you assume that means it was finished that would translate into all aspect of the project being complete. Or am I being silly to assume that done, did and finish should all imply something is totally complete?

Well at city hall this just doesn’t happen to be the case. At least not when I’m dealing with the variety of bureaucrats who run the various departments or even just work there.

With private industry such as contractors you appreciate how they may have a sort of sliding rule of when they view a project as completed. It is sort of like having them give you a guesstimate on when it will be finished. Whatever they tell you is generally never quite close to the truth. But if you are smart you learn to cope with this reality.

However with the employees in my little asphalt pond of the world I naïve assumed things would be different. I don’t know, but I stupidly thought if I told them to tell me when something was done that they would understand that is what I meant.

Instead what I get so often is some finish jargon. There is the date when the preliminary work or fact gathering function is complete. Remember the key word here is “function.” See I have come to understand that they divide a project into functions or phases and thus when each phase is complete they technically in their mind at least part of the project is done. And they will tell you what all they did in a nice typed report.

As for it actually being finished, well that part always stays a little fuzzy. Oh the real masters of double talk will bless me with confidence of how there is “light at the end of the tunnel” blah, blah, blah. Still it really comes down to the predictable. What I ask is lost in a myriad of words intend to avoid answering the question!

Yep, I have learned that reality. Of that you can be darn sure. I just wish I hadn’t been so stupid when I started out and assumed I would get an honest straight forward answer from any of these clowns. I mean if I want to hear crap, I’ll listen to myself talk.

Naturally I have my own way of getting even. It happens at review time. If I’m dealing with some department head that has tried to buffalo me with this stupid jargon of making the end of the project sound like the end when it isn’t even close to being finished, then I do the same with his review.

You know it sure is wonderful how these guys really hate that kind of game when they don’t control the rules. But normally I only have to do that once or twice with most people before they get the message.

As for the voters, well I do avoid bothering them with that aspect of explaining when a project is actually done. Like everything else with the citizens I resort to my more standard peddling of promises that are vague enough I don’t even have to worry about them understanding it anyway. What can I say, it’s a living.

TAKE ME TO YOUR BEER

I love that old phrase from the Sci-Fi flicks about the alien landing and saying “take me to your leader.” But to be honest if any alien was watching the way we act and as goofy as we are if they did drop by for a visit it would make more sense for them to say, “take me to your beer.”

After all who says that a more advanced civilization couldn’t be a bunch of party animals? Now don’t sneer when I say that like I just told some bad joke. I mean what’s to keep some bunch of aliens from looking for a good time just like anyone else?

Plus I got to be honest I’ve been in a few a bars where I’ve seen more than one person who I think could qualify to be an alien. Well okay you don’t have to go to a bar to find individuals like that. You could probably find a more than one worthy candidate for the “not from this world” category.

However in this case I want to concentrate on speculating that when we talk a superior race of beings we can be talking about someone who has the brains to want to enjoy life. How come in all the Sci-Fi flicks most aliens seems sort of stiff and frankly boring?

Or is it that we want to believe that so we don’t have to pass the bottle in case of a visit from somewhere in outer space? Yeah you do got to wonder if the guys who crank out the Sci-Fi flicks are thinking in those terms.

At least I do. Why. Because I guess I ran of out important things to do and thinking about this was better than surfing the net for um, well let’s just say I thought it was an intriguing concept and leave it at that.

See maybe we got the idea of a government cover up on extraterrestrials all wrong. Perhaps they are just keeping the aliens hanging out somewhere for one constant happy hour. I wonder if anyone who has been checking out that secret military place called Area 51 for any bar signs? Seems like a good idea too me.

Also you never know the way that the government works perhaps they even got some secret distillery somewhere that they are brewing a few thousand gallons of brew for some aliens. And thus they don’t want any of us to know about it so none of us has a chance to horn in on their action.

Okay I know I’m getting a bit carried away with this concept. But then prove to me that aliens can’t be just as interested in fun as any of us.

And until somebody does, I full intend to do my own investigation of the subject of aliens by visiting as many bars as possible to look for possible visitors. Naturally I’ll be sure I soak up as much brew as possible so I won’t look obvious.

Of course if I do end up with lucky out and meeting ET, I’ll be sure to let you know,right after we both recover from last night’s hangover!

ONCE UPON A LIE

As a kid I always enjoyed reading stories that began with once upon a time. That was a big hint to me that the tale was going to end with a happy ending and have some cute or loveable characters.

Call me a sap for the predictable when it is upbeat, but no matter how many times I read or watch one of those stories mentally I end up being prepared to come to the end with a smile. Sorry, but that really works for me.

Then one day I grew up. It was nice to be old enough to drink without getting carded and I’ll admit that adult forms of entertainment do certainly top my list of choices of things to do rather than the board games I played as a kid.

But sometimes I do miss the fantasy. There was just something more fun living life when you believed in magic and wishes coming true.

Which is part of the reason I suppose that I’ll always have this need in my political life to weave the concept of once upon a time into my speeches and meetings. Only since once upon a time in real life suck way too often I end up having to fabricating the once upon part.

Let me tell you the people eat it up too. I’m not suggesting that everyone is gullible and stupid. What I am suggesting is there are simply a lot of people out there like myself that enjoy having a taste of smiles instead of frowns.

I have noticed that the ones that don’t also seem not to smile or laugh that much. They seem to derive their biggest happiness over complaining and anytime they get around to the once upon a time part it is a downer. Something more suitable for a nightmare and a dream.

Frankly I do my best to avoid those folks. And that can be hard if they are a prominent businessman or someone with power and money in my city. I have found that while lots of people enjoy the once upon a time mode of thinking not all of them are successful.

In either case with both groups I ended still following he once upon a lie approach. Believe it or not the downer folks still need a little creative help making the once upon a time sound miserable enough. I’m not crazy about that kind of once upon a lie. However if the need arises I can summon the imagination enough to lie for the occasion.

However as soon as possible I escape and retreat to my own little world of denial where the once upon a lie is more fun. And I don’t even mind when somebody joins me as long as they join in on the lying part. Misery may love company, but so does denial. Only you don’t have to talk about it, just pretend a lot more.

Meanwhile I’m off for a once upon a lie speech. This time to a women’s group. And since this one composed primarily of woman over the age of fifty let me tell you that the subject of beauty will get the biggest lie workout of the meeting. Ah it is to smile and savor the joy of making dreams more fun than reality.

LONG AGO

This is often the beginning of a good story. It is a great way to tying the present to the past and suggest that the way things were at one time has an impact on the way they are now.

Okay I’m digressing and taking this whole long ago bit to an extreme. But in a way that is my point I suppose. We can be such suckers for things like the good old days scenarios and happy endings. And they really do go together in a way if you think about it.

True for some people long ago was truly great. Maybe it was even better than the present. However there are some for whom the past plain sucked. And long ago is for them a great way of saying how much distance there is for them between the nightmares and the present.

Now if fairness I also appreciate there are some for whom the past was just a time to get through, it was neither good nor bad. You have to make allowances for that possibility also.

The one thing all three views have in common is that they are totally based upon our recollections, which we color as we desire. Just like we do when facing the future.

Is any of that good or bad? Well to me no. In fact as a politician I depend upon it. For the people who the past was a good long ago, I want to promise to restore it. If the person thought of it as bad, then I want to promise to keep it distant. And for the people in between I want to promise to keep things the same or as good.

This all has one specific goal in my case, to tell people what they want to hear. You can forget telling them the truth though, that never works in my view.

Oh I imagine there are some who will take the high moral ground and claim the truth is the only real option you should take. These I feel are of the same mindset as the people who will play some game with more priority to the rules that winning. They love to camp out on that old saying about it isn’t whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Well they are entitled to their opinion, but I for one (and I doubt I’m alone here) think winning is far more important. At least from what I’ve seen it is the name of the winner in a contest that gets remember more often than those who did the best job at keep the rules. Enough said on that view?

In any case as I was pointing out, in terms of life and politics, fantasy and hope are more critical than the monotony of broken or unfulfilled dreams. Life can deal us all those moments of disappointment and who really needs to remember them? That is why I’ll always bring up the long ago that is painted with nostalgia and can be used to point to a “happily ever after” promise for the future. At least that’s my excuse for spending more time peddling lies that make one feel good than the truth, which tastes lousy. Hmmm, that reminds me I got a speech coming up. Time for another “manure” pie!

SHOOT FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD

I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, “Shoot first and ask questions later.” This is one of the sayings that no doubt best applies to soldiers in war. The idea being of course is not taking any chances when you encounter someone while on the battlefield.

Not that I’m claiming to be an expert on warfare obviously. I’ve battled for votes, but the only thing loaded when I do that is my veins with booze. However as it applies to the title I had to just toss that in there.

And the main reason I bring it up is because it seems to me that we have at least one element of society who feel that shooting first, second and so on is a good idea regardless of the situation. Basically it is better to kill what you hate than find out if it really deserves to be hated in the first place.

Oooh, I bet that has a few people gritting their teeth. I’m talking about those loving compassionate souls that would get a thrill from cutting out your heart and then eating it while asking you for some salt. Don’t tell me you don’t know at least on or two people like that.

As for the shooting part, it doesn’t always have to be with a gun. It can be with words or actions. And sometimes the latter can be more devastating than the use of a gun.

In part because it doesn’t make the type of sound that everyone can hear. Plus you don’t have to worry about running out of ammunition.

Just a side observation to point out how truly dangerous shooting first and second and more can be in terms of being driven by the bullets of prejudice. And I’m speaking in general terms of prejudice about anything a person hates without it being based upon facts. It is irrational and stupid, but it sure does happen.

What it the real criteria for that kind of thinking seems to be an opinion based solely upon image. The person hates strictly because of what they see. So they hate somebody who is overweight, dressed poorly or one of countless other reasons that is totally pathetic and evil in its origin. At least it is to me.

I guess what gripes me is that I have some of the same weakness in that nature. In my case it is driven mainly by greed. I look for people to shoot at in terms of lies and a con job so I can rip them off. I just don’t have time to hate them for the way they look. For me there just isn’t time or profit for that kind of option.

But there are plenty of people who seem to love to make time for that type of behavior. So how do we deal with them. I say we get rid of them. That’s right let’s blast the rats before they do it to us.

Only when I say let’s blast them I mean with the tongue by making sure the whole world knows what they are like. That way while everyone is watching out for those jerks they may not notice me picking their pockets!

HEAR AND THERE

Gossip is such and effective tool for me as a politician. And I love the way people like the bible thumpers enjoy getting all self-righteous and acting like they never talk behind anyone’s back. Yeah right, like their tongues are under more control than anyone else’s.

But my goal here is not to devote my posting to ragging on their hypocrisy. They do such a bang up job of it themselves they hardly need my help.

What I am focusing in on is the simple effectiveness of assumption and speculation. That is after all the core of gossip right? I mean it is generally talk without proof where we vent our opinion based upon our perception.

Because when you have all the facts it just doesn’t seem to be quite as appealing in terms of gossip. Oh the truth does get told, especially if it is bad news, but somehow since it doesn’t require the use of our imagination or fabrication it lacks the same twinkle of appeal. Or perhaps that is just my view of it.

In either case I do enjoy the moment when I can share some “secret” with someone and tell them not to tell anyone in full knowledge they will tell EVERYONE! To be honest I even had a special “communication” list when I want to circulate gossip. There are just some tongues that are quicker in that aspect than others.

And contrary to what some may think woman aren’t the only ones on the list. In fact my best source of communication in that regard is a guy.

I’m not going to tell you who though. Mainly because I know this person well enough to know that if I did he’d be on his phone to his attorney. Enough said?

What I can say is that this person is a businessman in my city and I mention that for any of you who might think I was referring to the Reverend Analbe. Oh he’s a member of my tongue wagers hall of shame, at least in my opinion, but he doesn’t hold the crown.

But the main thing is that unlike some who might want to waste time pretending they either don’t do this or don’t approve of it, I prefer to celebrate it. I want to make it a real thrilling and functional part of life.

In my book I call it prudent management of the known resources available to me politically. Essentially all that crap means is I get off on blabbing and knowing who loves to blab.

So I say go with a winning system. Which is what I really try to do. I accept human nature for what it is and then use it as best as I can to my advantage. The result is naturally I keep getting reelected. And it is even more fun when I can give some speech about how we need to avoid mudslinging. That is the best joy I can have since everyone nods when I say it and still goes on with the gossip!

ONE MORE FIND

At city hall we are in a quest for discovery. Of what depends on whom you ask. For me it is about looking for the most efficient way of getting the job of local government done. Whereas for some of the employees it is about finding the best excuse they can think of to stick somebody with their greatest headaches.

And lucky me, I get to be in the middle of this verbal ping-pong match. Honestly I ought to know better than expect the die-hard, lazy career bureaucratic leeches that work at city hall to think it terms of efficiency.

I don’t know, I guess I just get into those periodic moods where convince myself that this time will be different. Some temporary state of stupidity infects my thinking and I get full of the kind of confidence that I imagine plagued the Captain of the Titanic in terms of thinking ice bergs were no problem. I can’t say that he actually viewed it that way, I’m just saying if he did it was that kind of positivism that leads to complete mental vulnerability that comes over my own brain too often.

It never of course comes to be a reality for me in terms of just how dumb this it till the “meetings.” Those are the glorious experiences where I get to sit and listen to all the manure my help can spread in hopes of ducking some chore they hate.

Perhaps the saddest thing is how I actually allow myself to go through in the first place. I know that for the sake of creating the illusion of efficiency each will do their best to detail why some grunt job would be better done by some other department.

Naturally in the same frame of logic these individuals will always argue how a given task that is a piece of cake is one that would be better done by their department. So I think you are getting the picture here, this is all about back-stabbing, lying and shafting the other guy while making your own life easier.

There are times when I would probably enjoy this whole game. However when it occurs at a time when I am myself trying to find a way to dump off a few crappy chores on some employee, then I get a little bored with the whole process. Yeah I know it is called being a hypocrite, but it works for me.

Anyway the only redeeming thing in all of this is when I play the barter game. I pretend to buy into one of the employee’s crap and act like I’m going to go along with their con job. Then after they are so high from the illusion they pulled one over on me I toss out my little chore that I have decided for the sake of efficiency would best be done by their department.

I always love the look they give me. It is sort of a combination of being smug and disappointed at the same time. In the end of course I gauge the whole process in terms of winning by how much I manage to get rid of chores I hate. As for the efficiency part, well there are always plenty of speeches I’ve written and keep in a drawer to make it sound like this whole silly game is one more find for progress!

NO MORE OF...

Wouldn’t it be great if we could say this and it happened when we wanted? Just making that little vow and instantaneously all our worst problems would be gone. Oh yeah you got to love that option.

Okay I’m not saying it is going to happen. Lord knows it would be wonderful if could. I could start drooling at the very thought of the kind of bucks I might make with that kind of item sell.

But outside of the movies where any thing you can imagine can come true in real life the no more of problems just end up lingering around and generally pissing us off. Sometimes if we are lucky and I mean real, real lucky we can get rid of them. Just not enough times.

So am I going to bore you with just telling you the obvious? Or am I prepare to offer some possible solution?

I can offer a solution of you want. But I’m not sure if you will consider it that great of an option.

However for me the best way to solve these little problems is to dump them on somebody else. Okay no groaning please. You might say that is hardly the perfect solution.

And my question is why not? I mean you DO want to get rid of the problem permanently right? Plus you know it isn’t going to go away naturally right? Well then there is only one realistic way to rid yourself of this pain in the butt. That is to make it somebody else’s problems.

Hey I said it was a solution. I didn’t say it was a choice that was without a few concerns like accepting that you want to stiff somebody else with the thing causing you grief.

Let’s be honest here we both know this happens all the time. Your boss gets a headache and passes it on to you. Then you choose to dump it on some poor slob of an assistant. Sooner or later the hot potato of stress simply can’t be passed around any farther and some pathetic loser ends up stuck with it. Fact of life, boys and girls, so why not profit from it in some way.

All I’m suggesting is be creative. Isn’t that better than letting yourself stew about some acid churning situation you can’t avoid?

So do me proud folks and go out and life up to the fine standards of being sneaky that has help to make our country what it is today. Consider it being patriotic if you will. Salute the flag if it helps. But don’t forget it does have stars and stripes. Which in this situation means avoiding the “stripes” by making somebody else see the stars? This has been just another installment of prudent and sagacious practicality from good old Mayor Rash. Long live the joy of passing the heartache!

THIS TIME FOR SURE

I’ve been enjoying the thrill lately of dealing with this one remodeling company. We had some bad weather a while ago and our city hall building ended up with damage. Of course the main problem was that there had been spot in the roof that were in bad condition, but it just frankly got overlooked.

It got complicated for me because the department head in the room that leaked never bothered to tell me about the problem. That was until the leaks created some major damage and naturally at that point I finally got told.

So I had to order an inspection and we found out that the whole roof was going to need to be replaced. Plus the damage to the department had to be repaired and one thing led to another and before I knew it we were looking at some major remodeling. What started out as a simple issue turned into a something complicated.

Oh we went through usual routine of getting bids from various contractors. (Naturally the one with the “private” understanding in terms of my personal needs was given the nod.) And when we got done it came time for the remodeling.

Well that was the theory at least. In reality what I wasn’t prepared for was that whole process it took before any remodeling took place.

Now I know as a Mayor I ought to be used to such things, but I was dumb and stupid in this situation and honestly took the contractors word for how things were going. So when they told me everything was ready to go, I believed them.

Unfortunately I came to discover that with the contractor there were various levels of being ready to go. There was the planning stage, the preparing the plans stage, the — I think you get the idea here I hope.

Which all came down to this issue of me asking for a timetable for when the project would be completed. And of course that timetable has had to be amended almost weekly.

I of course am used to stalling people myself. That’s a standard ploy. So I really feel stupid when I let somebody else do it too me.

At this point though, it has sort of become a challenge to see how many times I’m going to be told this time for sure in terms of deadlines. I’m thinking of starting a pool at city hall and the individual who guesses the correct number of times the person is going to tell me that before actually starting the remodeling will win a prize.

As far as what kind of prize, for this type of thing I think I’ll make the person guess as to what it will be as well as when they will get it. Hey anybody who is lucky enough to guess how many times a contractor is going to lie to me can sure as well enjoy waiting too!

LENDING A HAND

Ah who doesn’t love the glorious dulcet resound of applause? Pity that so often the thunderous ovations for so many ordinary deeds and aid to needs are more illusive and difficult to experience.

It is a sad tale indeed that we aren’t better and lending a fist of criticism than lifting people up. Plus when we do rise to the occasion of passing on plaudits they are normally down with such a pretense and falseness in fanfare that it is as if we are elevating individuals to some deified status as opposed to simply celebrating their accomplishments.

The consequence of such a method and option is that we make the rarity imply that the few occasions deserving of lending this type of hand are the only ones worthy of such attention. So in the process we make victims of neglected approval the vast host of ordinary who may be heroes or quality individuals, but not to the point we want to put them in any limelight.

Does this insanity truly lead to a betterment of life? Well it must because we sure love to maintain this type of behavior.

Oh I hear the usual rhetoric claptrap about how we should do more to show our appreciation to teachers, policeman, fireman and etc. But while we give it great lip service, the lending an applauding hand does seem to end up being lost in the maze of righteous indignation over the injustice. Not to mention the reality that fact it might feel so darn good to pontificate with a certain social sagacity about how magnificent it would be to alter the philosophy as well as system.

This I think is often said to make one feel that talking about it is as good as doing something about it. That eases any sense of guilt and the person can go away feeling somehow justified in ignoring society’s martyrs in terms of a lack of approval.

So what are we going to do about it? Well we could do a lot of things. We could embark upon a quest to do our own part to make each life we touch feel significant. We could proceed upon a course of choice the we will end the current lack of lending this kind of hand by personal example.

Now will that happen? I wish I could say yes. However I think the reality is that while a few may pick up the torch of caring to let the light of inspiration burn in their lives, most will do otherwise.

We do have to concede the basic practical nature of life that often intrudes upon our good intentions. At least that sounds so much better than admitting it is so much easier to veg in front of the television and not think about others than have to get our butts and be the solution.

I do at least include myself in that form of excuse. And isn’t it wonderful how well it seems to work for so many?

FEEBLE, FOIBLE AND VOTES

Why is it we won’t elect anyone unless they convince us they are perfect? You claim that isn’t true? Well if there wasn’t any validity to that observation would we have so much griping afterwards about how some knight in shining armor turned out to be an inept serf whose armor is only made out of silver Paper Mache?

I know complaining is one of the things we all seem to do best. Some people appear to make it almost a religion. And it sure doesn’t take much effort to find things wrong if we want to look. Heck you don’t even have to work at it. There is just so many things that are less than robust in terms of efficiency or reliability.

Sadly although we wish there were a Mr. Fix-it that could work miracles with all our problems, that never actually happens does it? Oh we do get plenty of promises. I know I circulate plenty of those myself.

And I’m not going to pretend it isn’t for purely selfish reason. Namely as a politician it is to protect my butt and get elected since I know if I didn’t and my opponent would that I’d be other than Mayor.

Now the really sad thing is to me remains how in reality we are all imperfect. I say sad in terms of honestly wishing it were otherwise. But that isn’t the facts. Instead we all end up with some feeble element in our thinking or philosophy that sooner or later will cause us to plot and plan in a way that circumstance will foil. Then we have to figure a way to lie well enough to still create the illusion that it was some kind of stupid misunderstanding in order to preserve the fabric of confidence we need to get votes.

Do I offer up a solution to this silliness? Am I proposing some innovative option to get us to stop playing games?

Not at all. I merely wish to point out it is a game. And when things really piss us off the most we really ought to remember that element.

So that means to me, smile folks! Don’t allow the fact that we discover some guy known for cheating and not playing by the rules did what comes naturally we don’t let it ruin our day.

For tomorrow whether we like it or not the game is going to continue. Oh maybe the players will change, but somebody is going to hit a home run and somebody else is going to strike out.

But regardless let us still try to enjoy the game! And if for some reason you have a bad seat or the snack they served at the concession stand sucked, well just do your best to enjoy the action just the same. I mean it may not be the perfect game, but it really is the only one in town. Plus you got season seats you don’t even have to pay for!

So do your best to savor the action. After all you can be darn sure you’ll going to watch the game even if you don’t want to as long as this country remains the stadium!

BETTER WAYS, SAME DAYS

I do have to wonder to myself, if you do things smarter, but still have to do them is it really that much smarter? Improving on things is a good option. And anytime you can do that in a way that makes things easier then go for it.

But the one thing that doesn’t seem to happen in that equation is that people end up getting to avoid whatever it is completely. Now that would be my idea of really improvement.

The next best thing I suppose is when you end up managing to find somebody else to get stuck doing the task. And normally that is my favorite brainchild with some things that we get stuck doing at the city.

I mean I would love it if we didn’t have to deal with people and there problems. If we could just sit around all day, kicking back and relaxing, chatting, surfing the internet or just about anything, but work. Unfortunately the citizens and taxpayers have this attitude that if we aren’t getting paid with taxes then we should actually do some work.

That sure seems like an unreasonable attitude to me at times. I mean you aren’t going to tell me that a few of those taxpayers out there don’t have a few times when they goof off at work. Darn hypocrites griping about us when they most likely are doing the same thing with their employers!

But I don’t want to turn this into just a gripe session. Nope that wouldn’t help the problem.

Which is why since I can’t change the reality I always end up taking the high ground. For me that is the one where I say hi to the poor sap who works for me before I shaft him or her with some boring and dull task I don’t want to do.

I can imagine you might be sneering about now. Hey why should I lie about it? Well okay I do generally lie to the person that I’m stiffing by making them do my work, but I consider that to in part be an object lesson. The object being to teach my employees to get used to more work for the same pay.

And the nice thing once I get them used to it then I feel I have shown the better ways to each of them. I have proven they are capable of being even more productive than they first imagined. That build confidence, which is a good thing.

Yep that sure works for me. But when it comes to doing what I can to avoid work and find somebody else to do it, there isn’t much that doesn’t work.

So if by chance any of you is looking for a challenge and don’t mind relocating to my part of the world then drop by and say hi. Who knows I might even find something for you to do and even pay you for it. Of course I might need you to prove your sincerity by working for free for a while, but hey I’m sure by now you know how much you can trust what I say.

TEAMWORK

This is a wonderful concept. I just wish it was as wonderful in practice as it is in theory. There are places that it seems to work better though like professional sports. At least the impression is that it does. Whether in the locker room they actually are as united as they like to convey on the field I can’t say.

Outside of professional sports though team work is still a very worthwhile concept, but it just seem kind of hard to make work. And politics is a real example unfortunately. It starts generally with the difficulty of having two opposing groups as in liberals and conservatives who are suppose to work together. Um I think team is hardly the way that works from all the comments that get made where one group is complaining about the other.

About the only real time that they end up working together is if they have some really big threat from outside. Then they do seem to manage to stop fighting in order to fight another enemy.

What truly cracks me up is an election year. I’m speaking mainly for the big brass ring, the Presidency. During the period before the convention the presidential candidates for a given party will spend the time basically ragging on their opponents. I prefer to think of this as name calling with class.

And the basic rule seems to be whatever you can say and get away with is fair. So we see all this happening as a political spectacle. I can’t say I would call it beautiful, but it sure does take place very predictably.

Now the fun part begins during the convention. That is when the opponents in a given party are supposed to kiss and make up. Right, like that really happens other than on the surface. You can’t convince me that when they have been biting at each other for several months and saying all kinds of ugly things about each other that suddenly they are going to be pals.

But that seems to be one they want us to belief. And I just smile because I know behind those contrived smiles the loser is really gritting his teeth and probably thinking, “wait till the next time, then I’ll show you!”

However after all of that changing of faces and pretending they are united then the go over the other party’s candidate and the whole process starts all over. Eventually when the last candidate is left standing by the voters we get a new administration and the political version of team work. Which is naturally related to illusion, lies and making it look good despite what goes on when we aren’t looking.

Some might call this insanity. I call it just another wonderful past time in the arena of social games we call democracy. And if we are really lucky the people sometime win when the opponents actually luck upon some emergency long enough to honestly act like a real team!

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL

Several years ago they made a couple of comedy westerns that involved the idea of support in terms of a sheriff and later a gunfighter. The idea naturally being drawn from the general social concept of how we as citizens are suppose to stand in alliance with things like the police, firemen and our elected officials.

Well I’m not sure how much we stand in support with elected officials. Mainly that part seems to come when they are from the same party of which we are members. Otherwise they are fair game for our caustic tongue weapons.

And I guess the gist of humor in part from these two movies was derived from the reality of how often support as we call it doesn’t quite occur as we would like in theory. I suppose with the police that is a good thing sometimes. Because I don’t imagine any of us is all that keen on vigilantes being the model of good citizenship.

Still we do struggle with the whole concept of social responsibility. It goes to ever level of existence in terms of our being good citizens to just being members of the society in which we dwell.

There are of course certain kinds of support that are more popular than others. For example paying taxes or serving on a jury don’t exactly fall in the smile category do they? We do them because we have to, if we can’t find a safe way to avoid them.

Whereas if we are talking the kind of support such as donations that are tax deductible well those are easier to muster. That is in part because it doesn’t require that much personal involvement. We can feel comfortable just mailing off a check and letting it be the fullness of our involvement.

Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if we could mail in our need to serve on a jury? You know like have them send us a DVD with all the trial info and then we could watch it and mail off our vote. I can’t help, but think we might get a better response, but that is just me.

In the meantime I celebrate the careful balance in our society between individual freedom and responsibility. What is the bond between the two is too me the thread of personal accountability. Basically as I see it, our exercise our freedom based upon how much we can get away with and act in terms of support depending on how much we fear getting in trouble.

Now that of course is a view of a guy who willingly admits that I based my actions on those criteria and I have a feeling others do to. At least that seems that way from what I see in terms of behavior in others.

And my whole point is to say, hurray folks for being shrewd enough to always balance those two issues in your choices. After all real support means it ought to be you are honestly interested in doing. Thank goodness we have a system that allowance us to take the cowards way out with plenty of excuses if we don’t want to support. Ah, democracy you just have to love it!

BIG TOMORROWS

I love talking about some pending event that holds lots of promise. As Mayor I of course use this as a ploy to do what I can to distract people who are disgruntled over something I promised to do, but didn’t do. I know that I should probably do the so-called right thing and actually try to keep the promise when they nail me for not doing my job, but where would the fun be in that?

Instead I prefer the Limburger sneaky, spineless, speech method. That’s where I get up and give some speech about a celebration we are going to have because something they expected didn’t happen, but the celebration is part of a show of confidence that it will take place. You know this is the visionary bit, where I have a dream and such that is intended to inspire, but in reality it is just a way to buy time.

And the really great part is how I get two chances to suck money out of the city in the process. First is when I get the promise originally added to the budget. Which naturally ends up in my pocket.

Then later I get the funds to have the celebration, which I always inflate in estimate so I can get even more bucks. Ah when the celebration takes place naturally what I say is the reason for the celebration has nothing to do with why I’m celebrating.

Now you may ask, “yeah, but what happens after the celebration when you still don’t keep the promise?”

A fair question. Well it depends. Sometimes I have to get up and you know give some double talk about unexpected complications. That is a nice dodge. Plus I also end up in “fact finding” meetings to attempt to investigate why the promise wasn’t kept.

Generally those take place at some bar where I get a receipt for buying lunch for all the committee members to turn in on my expense account. Since in reality I’m the only person on the committee then I end up getting a little extra “tip” for my original unkept promise.

Then when all of that time is used up and there happens to be a person or two left that is still asking those darn questions, my next move is to look around for some city employee to take the fall for things not working out. Now that is for me the best part since I have so many people I can’t eventually blame for my lies!

And if I’m really lucky I can excuse the whole thing on some federal cutback or other complication. Those are always great to use as excuses too.

So I suppose a few of you might be sitting there and shaking your head and grumbling how this is totally disgusting. Good for you, I’m glad if it made you feel better and more content with your own city government. You see I consider that to be a good service to perform if I can make you happier with your own situation. And the real beauty is that if I do it right, I can weasel a way to come up with some bogus expense I can claim in the process. Admit it folks, aren’t I such a gem? No you can’t say what kind!

FINGER WARS

From time to time I get a chance to surf other blogs. And I have of course personally enjoyed the ones of a political nature for obvious reasons.

I don’t know, but it sure seems that there is an incredible preoccupation with these blogs in terms of finger pointing. Naturally I suppose it isn’t too surprising that to conservatives it is all the liberals fault and with liberals it is all the conservatives fault.

That sort of mirrors the comments you hear from both political parties. While that does make for good entertainment in some ways, I’m not sure it honestly helps the situation very much.

Take the reason fiasco with the emergency relief for Hurricane Katrina. There is no way to not accept that was a terrible disaster. And we also know that we did have some warning of its impending presence. It wasn’t like some emergencies such as an earthquake where no one knew it was going to happen.

But in the aftermath of all the needs of the victims there seemed to be far more talk than imminent reaction that actually helped the people in need. I’m not going to join the ranks of others and try to claim one person was more to blame than anyone else. I think there are enough soldiers and generals in the finger war already.

What comes to mind to me is that in reality in the midst of everyone firing these broadsides of accusations how do we find time to figure out a way to avoid the same mistake again? Call me silly, but regardless of who actually screwed up it doesn’t seem we are going to improve future crisis if we just end up with an undeclared truce in the finger pointing war rather than a peace and plan to avoid the same problem next time.

However I’m sure my comments will no doubt be drowned out by all the hot air being spewed by those who want to use any occasion as justification to bash their political opponents. That makes for a fun game I suppose, but I doubt the poor victims who end up without food or water find it much fun.

In the meantime I guess I’ll sit back and do what I can to keep score. Not sure yet how I’ll figure out who really is the winner. And even when I do, I’m not sure that is going to help make a difference for the real losers in terms of the poor folks that suffer in such crisis.

Ah the joys of democracy and freedom of speech. Are we having fun yet? I guess that depends on who you ask and when you ask them huh?

And isn’t it wonderful how we often give so much press time to the finger warriors? Yep now I call that keeping our priorities straight huh? But then during a time when nature or some other crisis hands us a bummer of a problem I guess it does good to have something to laugh about. Maybe the lip fighters will keep that in mind down the road too.

THE ALMOST BIG SOMETHING

Ever have some plan in the works that you thought was a sure thing and then it fell apart like it was cursed? Sound familiar? If so I bet you are probably groaning “thanks for reminding me.”

Well cheer up because trust me there is no way you could possibly have had this happen to you more times that it has happened to me. I wish this was something I could boast about, but they normally don’t give you trophies for being a champion at blunders.

However I have tried to be very philosophical about this. It is like that old saying, “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I do believe that is true. My problem is that it doesn’t necessarily make you smarter. And that is the part I wish was reality.

Still despite the set backs and failed or foiled plans, I keep hoping the next time will be different. I prefer not to think of that as being positive as much as trying to keep my sanity, by convincing myself that hoping and dreaming of a possibility that might come true is better than not having any possibilities.

And so, as the inspiration comes, I dream, I plot and I do. For a while I end up feeling so alive in the process as the rush from my anticipated fiscal gluttony burns in my avaricious soul. Yep, what can I say, to me that is pure, glorious living.

Now I know I ought to pretend to be a victim of my desires in this situation. To claim to be addicted to some self-abusive behavior and how I am truly remorseful to be possessed of such weakness.

I might if I get caught claim that, but otherwise forget it! Nope in my case this is a consuming and desirable passion to conquer and vanquish anyone and everything I can.

Frankly, to be honest if I didn’t go over the top with it then I wouldn’t even bother. That’s because it would quickly end up being boring if I didn’t have a chance of it becoming something really big.

So call it pathetic. Call it being hopeless corrupt, but just don’t tell me that I would be better off not pursuing that option.

Oh you can suggest it, but I am a firm subscriber to the saying “To thy own self be true.” And believe me I know myself well enough to appreciate that is the real me.

So come on folks, be honest with yourself. Aren’t there a few of you out there that might just say you feel that way once and a while. It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone. Just know you have one place you can know you have somebody who understands. And you can also be sure that if I have the chance I would rat you out in a second if there was a reward involved! Hey, would you really expect otherwise?

FIND, SIGN AND MINE

I love problem solvers as opposed to problem pointers. You know the ones I’m talking about. The people who love to tell you about problems, but never have a clue on how to improve the situation.

And most of the time they only end up telling you about a problem you already know about. So not only do they offer no help with the problem, but bore you to death telling you facts you knew before they decided to enlighten you about the obvious.

It is sort of like the revel to some degree in coming to me as Mayor with this attitude, “Hey I found out about a problem, here’s the signs of it being a problem, now you get to handle it because I haven’t got a clue on how to make it better.” Yeah those kinds of helpers I really don’t need.

The others that are almost the bad are the ones who actually try to help, but there ideas are totally worthless. With them it is “Hey, I found out about a problem, here’s the signs of it being a problem, now this is how YOU can handle it.” Only their idea of how I can handle it is most of the time not thought through and so it is totally worthless. But since they felt so good that they came up with a solution they don’t honestly worry about if it will work. They just end up going away from the meeting feeling superior because “their” part of the solution process is done and they can brag about it without worrying if it really changed anything.

Like I said the joy in all of this are the genuine problem solvers. They just are in short supply in my part of the world. It just is one of those truly rare human commodities that I genuinely cherish when I encounter such actual sages of solutions.

I just wish I didn’t have more problem pointers than problem solvers working for the city. With voters it is one thing. After all they don’t work for the city and I can appreciate how they would be inclined to only want to tell me about a problem, but not want to get involved with the solution.

Unfortunately the main person who does want to get involved with wanting to solve problems is the Reverend Analbe. His help I can honestly live without. Not that he doesn’t mean well I suppose. It is with him every solution ultimately involves three things.

First is repentance by somebody. He doesn’t even to seem to care who, just as long as somebody confesses his sin caused the problem. Secondly his solution always gets around to the city being expected to reward his church with a generous donation as gratitude for his help whether he actually helped or not. And finally his solution is one he never will tell me unless I meet him for lunch as my treat.

But dummy me, sometimes in a moment of weakness, desperation or panic I’ll actually fall for his offer. Later of course, broker from having picked up the tab for lunch, I vow to never let him do that again. Until the next time of course, when things always end up going the same way.

Which is really not much different than dealing with most of the people in my city government to some degree, except they normally don’t bring God into it. But they sure know how to point fingers a lot. And I guess that is one of the joys of being me nobody is likely to envy are they? You don’t need to answer that one, I think I know the answer.

HOPE, SOAP AND DOPE

It is wonderful how just having hope can fuel a person’s flame of passion and stamina like nothing else. And since so many people know this there are plenty of peddlers of positivism whole love to make profit off of selling their system of progress. It is in essence hope with some twist that turns an ordinary labor into a flame of anticipation that burns intensely till a wind of circumstance extinguishes it.

All of that is my way of rambling about just how important hope is to the human spirit. So much so that just dangling any carrot of expectancy before a lot of people desperate for any help turns them into a dope. They get all goofy and toss aside logic and can become totally consumed with some angle of change they think will end in a gold mine of realized dreams.

Does it ever really happen? I mean do people ever honestly discover that gold mine when pursuing the insanity of a futile romance with lust? Well perhaps. Oh there are plenty of people out there that might testify out one change implanted their lives with something truly memorable. I just don’t often see where their claims are something they are able to validate with some solid facts.

But that is okay. Perception is just as much an integral part of success and image as anything else. Forget what some people say about winning. It is being perceived as a winner that counts. Even if you haven’t won anything if you can convey the illusion of being a champion you’ve won! And if that wasn’t true then the paper mills who crank out phony degrees wouldn’t have any customers.

To me all of that is just part of the dynamics of social being we all experience. It is the jewels of pride we seek to wear as a crown of approval in the presence of those we seek to impress. True, it is a game and a dirty one at time, full of intrigue and fabrications. And it is one game where it does matter how you play because the more dirty you play the better you are probably going to score.

That might not set well with the people who love to tote around their bars of morality soap and seek to clean up everything. For them they have this delusion fascination with the idea that you can play any game and do it honestly and still win.

Well the fallacy in that resides with the presumption that everyone else will have the same bar of soap. Including the ones who are acting like a dope from hitting their head against a wall in an attempt to find hope.

I’m sorry, but no matter how much you can take pride in a “moral victory” it just never feels the same as a real victory does it. Which is why I just end up yawning when trying to cope with such contradictions.

That is why I feel I have been able to stay in office as a politician in my own little political pond. Because I understand there are times when you just have to choose between following the rules and winning. Sorry folks, but if you want the crown in some games you got to understand the real rules, which is anything goes. Just a little coaching advice from your mentor of mishap and misunderstand, good old Mayor Rash!

DEARLY DEPARTED

No, this is not about dead family members. It is more about the ones that sometimes I wish had passed away. You know the pain in the butt, “only visit when they want something and never return your calls when you need help” type of relatives.

Yeah those and they are ones I’m just happy when they have departed for wherever other than to my place to try and weasel out some free meal, plus God knows what else. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they departed permanently, but I know as soon as they run out of other people to mooch off of they’ll be back.

Regrettably with the Limburger clan that pretty much describes everyone, myself included. And so I have no illusions about when one of them calls it is going to be for any reason other than “Hi, how are you? Can I borrow…”

If I’m really lucky they even ask how I am. Admittedly they never listen to the answer. That would interfere and take too much time away from getting the answer to whatever they need from me.

I suppose you could ask if all us Limburgers are that greedy and shallow why go through the silly pretense of bothering to keep up any relationship. And you might be right if that was the only concerned.

However there is very important reason I don’t. It is for bragging rights on holidays and family reunions.

While I use the rest of my family, as a Mayor I generally manage to not suck up to them as much as they do to me. That is because I’ve got a whole crop of voters to victimize. And that means most of the time I ended up helping the others more than they do me.

Thus is set the stage for family reunions. And I love going up to one of my scum sucking relatives and pretending to ask how they are doing after I helped them in some way and make it seem like I really care.

What I’m really doing of course is trying to embarrass them in a way that isn’t quite as obvious as I might otherwise like. Oh the person always knows what I’m trying to do and they aren’t thrilled, but you see I know they’ll be back for another need to ask me for help on some other date, so they put up with this little game.

As for me, I LOVE it. Heck it just makes the holidays so much more blessed when I get a chance to pull this kind of crap and leave the person only able to complain about me being a manipulative jerk when I’m not there. Gosh isn’t having such a bunch of creeps for a family nothing, but fun?

But despite all of that there are times I still think in terms of the glorious times when they have departed. Now if I could figure a way to make them do it permanently when they bore me and aren’t fun any longer I’d really have a reason to smile!

HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS CRYSTAL BALL

I was listening to this guy on the radio the other night. Normally when it comes to things like aliens and conspiracies and all the doom and gloom forecasting crap on some of those talk shows I don’t bother.

It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in those subjects. It is just they never really have anything to say that changes the situation.

Like on the subject of aliens. You can talk all day about sightings and supposed government cover ups, but when are we ever going to have something really new? I’m talking about actually having AN ALIEN be available for a photo shoot, maybe standing next to his spacecraft and even offer to give people a ride.

Of course I am speaking of a real alien, not some nut who only thinks he is from another planet, but was actually born in some little town I’ve never heard of before. So I want this alien to do a few tricks. Like giving us a cure for all diseases, solve the environmental problems and even come up with a free source of inexhaustible energy. Oh yeah, I’m not picky or unreasonable am I?

While I’m waiting for that to happen in the meantime I would like to have those darn predictor types that get attention on these talk shows to shut up. I’m sorry, but if you make one correct prediction out of fifty, I really am not going to regard you as reliable. These radio talk show hosts don’t seem to care about that aspect. The moment they find guy who claims he has visions and can see the future and lucks out with one right prediction, man they give him the type of air time they would if his name was Nostradamus. BORING!

Personally, if these see all, know nothing wizards of visions are so darn good then let them prove it. Yeah come on guys give us the kind of info that will truly verify you are the real thing in terms of seeing the future.

How about starting with something small like telling me the winning numbers to next week lottery? Is that really too much to ask?

Now what I’m suggesting is that the person only does this once and since it is my blog, he gives them to me. Then after I’ve won and collected my winnings, I’ll be more than happy to tell the world how great you are.

Well true I wouldn’t have time to do it right away. I might need a while to take care of a few details like opening a Swiss bank account and er, I think you get the idea.

In the meantime, all I ask is if you are one of these who thinks you got a crystal ball for a brain at least keep it to yourself until you been right more than once a year. And while you are at it then give some thought to also doing what you can to come up with some really cool predictions instead of just doom and gloom. Bad news I can get every day. Good news is the hard part. So lie a little, what hard would it do?

A TIME FOR...

Oh yeah I sure wish there was really a time for everything. Now I’m not bible thumper, but I have heard them talk about some place where it talks about there being at time for different things. And that I sort of get means that certain opportunities come along at given moments in life.

What I want to know is how come we can’t get a little cooperation if that be the case with having a time for the stuff we like and not just whatever the big guy upstairs decides is cool? Now come on folks, let’s be honest here wouldn’t it be fantastic if somewhere in all of that a time for it included stuff like a time for winning the lottery?

Would life sure be more interesting if you had a nice little pocket calendar with dates circle in color codes for things such as that? Alright call me being silly, but I can’t help it, I just think that there ought to be a better way of handling some things that letting fate or chance decide who gets a break.

Hmmm, I wonder if there would be a way to make a law on this subject. You know so of override fate with a for sure option? Like we sit down and pick all the truly wonderful things of life and then plug them into a computer. Then we plug in the names of everyone who has filed an application and paid a fee. (Hey this would be a government deal so you couldn’t have it without some kind of fee!)

I tell you this has possibilities. No fuss, no guessing, just pure planned out luck. And you would know that as of a given date you would win whatever. (For and extra fee I think we could arrange to make sure your deadbeat relatives didn’t find out either.)

The more I think of this the more it really appeals to me. In fact so much so that I might even see if we can kick off this whole program in my own city. Let’s see I should start with a name. I know I’ll call it the Limburger Luck Lottery.

And why not? After all I came up with the idea. So the next thing would be to set up some computer with the means to plug in all the winners in advance.

Now I think it only fair of course since I came up with the idea if I get to be the first winner. I figure that if I’m giving you a sure fire chance to win some mega bucks then you shouldn’t squawk about me being first.

Well I think I’ll have to do some fine tuning naturally before this thing is ready to fly. Oh the first lottery, the one I’ve, AHEM, already won, well that one can head off and start no problems.

As for the rest, well I think I need the folks to be a little patient. No big deal, I’m sure just knowing they will when is enough to keep them satisfied.

Meanwhile, I’ll probably plan a nice trip with my winnings. And I just hope I can make it back in time for the next lottery. If not, well, er, good luck!

HURRAY! HUSH IT!

Do you find it hard to celebrate some success when you can’t tell anyone about it? Perhaps you are ready this and frowning because you have no clue on what I’m talking about? And that is probably a good thing since it might mean you are accustom to ripping people off as I am.

Now what I’m trying to accomplish here is not to gain sympathy I guess. Mainly to more than anything see if you can appreciate my dilemma in this situation. I mean if I win, I love to feel good about it just like anyone, but if I did so by a means that the law would frown upon how can I say anything?

I know there are most likely some wises asses out there that might claim that I ought to take that as a hint I need to change my idea of victory. Nice try, but that isn’t going to happen.

Mainly because, what can I say, I totally and completely enjoy that style of success. And yet at the same time, I am human enough to need a chance to strut my greed and other corruptible stuff.

I realize that I’m in good company in terms of this hurray, hush it thing. I have no doubt there are plenty of corporate executives and politicians and a host of others who have this same problem. So could I hear at least the faint sound of a sigh of sympathy for us poor victims of a basic natural tendency towards hopeless corruption? Okay you can laugh afterwards. Just not to loud please, I not really too anxious to be reminded how silly this all sounds.

However if you can stop snickering long enough I hope you will at least appreciate that in many ways this is one of those social and financial games that is part of life. It has existed for years and had many players. And all of them, unless they end up managing to get screw up and get caught have gone unappreciated for their talent.

After all there are champions in this game just like any game. And I’m sure there are World Champs also.

But nobody gets to show off their belt! Or their crown or get the slightest chance to have the sport covered by television.

I say that is a crime. Our country loves winners. So how come we can’t at least extend a little amnesty on this subject to let the television broadcast of the Sneaky Olympics.

I hear people complain about how the regular Olympics has too much politics and too often the best athlete doesn’t always win. When it happens to one of our athletes we sure get pissed.

Well I got a feeling this is one type of sport where we could prove we are the sneakiest people around if given a chance. Hey a trophy is a trophy right? Something to think about at least.

GALLONS OF FUN

I know these days with the current prices of gas it might be a little hard to see anything redeeming in their current rate. I can’t imagine anyone outside of a few oil companies executives that would be prone to smile when they filled up their vehicles at a gas station.

Unless you are off in some way or so darn rich money literally means nothing to you. The only problem is that rich people don’t get that way by not caring about money so I can imagine that would happen either.

The one question that we probably will never see answer is what is anybody going to do to improve the problem? I hear a lot of talk, but in terms of seeing any change for the better at the pump, where is it?

I was really struggling with what I could possibly say on this subject that would in any be new or fresh compare to what has already been said. I never claimed to be an expert on this subject so I’m not going to try and bore anyone with a bunch of facts I claim are true, but can’t prove and expect you to take my word for it.

First of all I am not going to try and say the problem is going to get better. I’m not sure that I believe the comments of some that we are going to run out of oil and that there is no alternative form of energy planned to take its place. I won’t say that isn’t a possibility. But neither do I pretend to think that people making billions off of gas wouldn’t in some way want to keep the cash flowing no matter what. If that meant they needed to find a different product when this one is gone, I going to presume that greed alone would inspire them to find some choice that would work.

Which I think is my main thrust of thought. The one defining thing we can appreciate about corporations in general is that they have at their very core a passion for greed.

You can forget the stuff like them worrying about helping people. For better or worse we know the bottom line is the only bottom they are going to truly care about.

And that for me translates into the simple reality that come what may these folks can be counted on to suck people dry of every dime they can as long as they can. Then when that option is gone, they have no plans whatsoever and going away.

That is why I don’t really worry about the future. I have complete confidence in the ultimate force of greed to guide their reason just as it always has.

Does it mean higher prices for gas? Do I really need to answer that? Will it mean the day will come when things will improve? Do I really need to answer that one either?

Nope, my advice is pure and simple. You and I will have no power to in any way get anyone making mega bucks to suddenly plan on doing otherwise. So just go to the pump regardless of the price and view today’s price as one that will most likely be better than down the road. Make fun with the price as long as you can folks? Better to have a smile when the future comes since you never know if that will be time when you have any reason to smile! Cheers!

A LITTLE DRAB WILL DO YAH

Now I don’t know if I personally find wearing some totally dull outfit that satisfying. But neither am I prone as a Mayor to any wild and colorful attire either. I have to walk that middle ground of fashion sense where exude some modicum of good taste and confidence, while still allowing myself the freedom of some flexible in my wardrobe the reflects my personal tastes and comfort. In short, I refuse to give over to the same anal-retentive, ultra inhibit sense of clothing that screams drab and boring.

If that is your choice fine, but it will never be mine. And one personal observation I have in that regard is, to borrow from someone else, drab is as drab does. Basically, that is my observation from dealing with people who are inclined to wear clothes that are truly bland in appeal.

I hate to once again harp on the territory of the bible thumpers, but in this arena the one’s I normally have to contend with, namely the Reverend Analbe and his bunch at the Moral Priority are all fond of drab attire. I’m talking about nothing, but gray or black suits or pants suits that are generally ill fitting. Is there something in the bible of which I am not aware that says God hates colorful clothes? That is okay I guess if it is the true, I just haven’t noticed outside of his clan that most Bible thumpers are obsessed with that type of clothes, especially around Easter.

The thing is I don’t imagine I would even think it a big deal if they were the least big happy about life in general. But since they never smile or even remotely seem to enjoy life I have a hard time not making a connection between the way they dress and their general attitude towards life.

You might be asking, is this subject really that big of a deal? Well perhaps it isn’t in terms of some problems we face as people. However if you have to depend upon these lovers of drab to do anything, expect it to be done in the most boring way possible.

At least that is the rule where I live. Maybe you’ve had a more positive experience where you live. And if that is the case, I’m happy for you. Perhaps you could even send one or two of your peppy, drab clothes lovers my way sometime. They might be able to inspire the ones in my city to lighten up a bit.

However I got a feeling that you wouldn’t be interested in switching. I can’t blame you either. But if you ever want a nice chuckle in that regard I am thinking of starting a web site and calling it “Drab is Beautiful.” It will be satire of course, but the time that I think has come for such humor.

In the meantime though, I’m still wandering the land of bland and yawns with mixed feelings. And I suppose I’m totally aware that isn’t going to change any time soon.

So if you are ever in the neighbor and decide to come for a visit let me give you one word of warning. If you decide to stop for lunch at any of our fast food restaurants or donut shops and you see somebody wearing all black and it is wrinkled and doesn’t fit their large body that well, then don’t strike up a conversation unless you want to be preached at!

I OWE ME

Well I think it is time to set the record straight. What is an IOU really, it is where YOU needed something and borrowed it from somebody else with the promise you would pay it back later. Pretty basic huh? No mystery, no surprises, just need demanding attention.

Now with an IOU there is an understanding. You get what you need now and then when times and circumstances allow you will return the favor to the person who helped you. It seems like a reasonable arrangement providing you aren’t dealing with some loan shark.

As my title suggests, I’m going to reflect on the kinds of IOU’s where the debt it to yourself. Make sense, no? Okay let me try to elaborate a little.

How often in life do we make a promise to ourselves that we are going to do something for our own benefit and then never get around to actually doing it when the chance occurs? You might say never, but honestly I see the martyr types ever day between work and being out in the public.

And you know what happens when you don’t pay up on a debt to yourself? You get pissed. Oh you might not say so, but it will eat at you for a variety of reason and then generally later you will vent that anger in some unhealthy way.

I say this because I do it myself. Hey, just making an observation where I have to plead guilty also.

I guess the main reason I even got on this whole deal was because I had one of these situations the other day. For the longest time I kept promising myself I would go to this one city nearby and visit with the Mayor and let him give me a tour of his city hall. Unlike me he isn’t a crook so that was different. And I believe his reasons were fair enough, he wants to help his city and only been in office a short time. So he wanted other Mayors with far more experience to drop by and give him ideas.

None of this was a bad idea and I knew it would mean a break from my routine and a chance to make some new contacts, plus even an opportunity for me to perhaps impress the guy. But I kept putting it off. I think the main reason is because I knew since I was nothing like this guy I would be reminded of how I did things without my first priority being the needs of the voters. That is something I live with, but I’m not keen upon seeing somebody who actually cares and having to pretend that I do too.

Yet despite this problem, over all I knew there were far more pluses to this event than negatives. So going really would be good for both of us too. However I still kept putting it off.

Then the other day I sat down and just stopped making excuses and call the man up and finally went over to see him. It went pretty much the way I expected and this was one I O ME that I did cash in on. I only wish it meant I would take care of all of them, but that I’ll just save for another time providing I can keep from putting off being good to myself again. Here’s hoping you have better luck at that than I do.

PAYING ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE CRAP

Man this is so easy to miss. It is the “fine print” of dialogue. The stuff a person says quickly and casually in hopes you won’t pay attention. And then later since you didn’t hear it in the first place it gives them a chance to dump all kinds of crap on you.

I think salesmen are the best at this. I doubt they go to school to learn this talent, but they possess it just the same. Oh I agree politicians and lawyers practice this too, but I think salesmen are the true masters.

The plain fact with some things that people sell is if you didn’t have the “little crap” in terms of promises the item might not get bought. When you look in most people’s homes I think you would be honest and admit we’ve all been suckers from some impulse items and most likely have all kinds of them littering where we live. We don’t have to have them, but we WANTED them in some way.

So what if we got ripped off on the price or will never use that thing in our life time, we needed it at the moment. And that folks is called life!

My question is why do we beat ourselves with our self-control in this area? How come we seem to get into the mindset that having crap or not paying attention when we get told little crap is always a bad thing?

There is only one reason, pride. That’s right it is the basic spirit of vanity and arrogance that haunts our spirit with a never admit your wrong bedevilment. We love saying I told you so, hate it when others do it to us and never under fear of embarrassment want to admit when we made a mistake. Or worse when somebody proved they were a better liar and suckered us with some bogus little crap that we didn’t smell in time.

And I say, rejoice fellow brethren of the red, white and blue. Be proud, be vigilant for a chance to do the same and above make darn sure you get an opportunity to figure a way to avoid admitting when we proved we were absolute saps for some con job.

Now that to me is paying attention to the little crap the right way. That is celebrating the quintessence of the “game” of words and deception that have helped to make our great land the best darn salesman of little crap on the planet.

Oh we can beat the snot out our enemies in the traditional sense and proved we will even if we don’t have to. But I say the much neglected path of patriotism that is part of our real greatness is our capacity to shovel out the little crap and get away with it.

So feel proud at whatever part you have played in this great and glorious game of words. It is one we’ve practiced for years and are winners at in every way. I just don’t think we’ve been quite as willing to take a bow for that attribute as we should be. But I’m sure if we give ourselves a little bit of time and the right motivation we can change all that.

Then instead of just dumping crap on people and they say were are full of it we can smile and say with pride, “You betcha!” See don’t you feel better already knowing what you thought was a lame quality is really a source of boasting? Just think of how great you could feel about other things you thought were bad if you give me a chance to share the gold of my view of life?

DEALING WITH IT

Do you enjoy playing poker? I do sometimes. But I really like it when I’m winning. Only I can’t control that part so my mood depends on how I do in the first few hands.

However while I’d love to make a direct connection between life and poker, I’m not going to try. What I am going to dwell on is ATTITUDE!

And in that sense dealing with it is both coping and taking your turn at shuffling and passing out the cards. Ah now I think a few of you are beginning to get the idea of where I’m headed with this posting.

The sad fact is that it isn’t enough to concentrate on coping with whatever had you are dealt. You also go to learn to deal right too. That means appreciate how others don’t like bad hands anymore than you do.

I’ve known my share of people who don’t mind bragging about how they deal with a problem, but at the same time even though they have struggle with a given problem have no qualms at all is passing on that grief to someone else. And what a world it might be if we could learn that lesson. Although I’m not sure how or when we will just that ought too.

Okay I did my part to preach on that subject. As for myself, well when I got a problem, I’m going to bitch about it. I’m not going to deal with it that well. And it will probably end up in some posting.

On the other hand when I’m in the dealers chair and I have to pass out the cards and you get a lousy hand, I’ll probably not really care that much. Why, because I’m a basically greedy, self-absorbed jerk. And I don’t even mind if you sneer when I say that!

So why would I say it. Because I think it is the way most people truly react to the same situation, they just prefer to lie about it. Which is okay too if that works for you.

For myself, heck I would just as soon be a tad more realistic. Plus the plain fact if I lose all my chips in the game of life, I’ll get them back at the voters expense. And I won’t even tell them either.

But that is poker ala human living if you ask me. I know you didn’t, yet I felt a need to say it anyway.

Meanwhile I hope you get a chance to play those aces you love to hide up your sleeve. Only if you go to reach for one and find an IOU from me, just don’t let people know you are bluffing.

That’s just a helpful hint or two to share with those who are about to ante up at the old poker table of life. I hope you did so and win the next hand. Because when you aren’t looking I’ll probably see if I can “borrow” a few if not all your chips!