WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

When I get a chance I surf other blogs. And let me tell you folks people sure love to express their opinions. It sure doesn’t matter if they are good at it, these days just about anything you can imagine will be found on a blog somewhere.

I suppose there is some merit in having so many people without any verifiable credentials giving their opinions on things like world affairs, the economy and other issues of contemporary importance. And you can be darn sure that if a major story is on the news it will find its way on several blogs who will give their opinion on the issue.

Which is probably why I don’t spend a whole lot of time doing the same thing. Why be like the rest of the blogging world and use my blog to post some opinion on a subject that I otherwise wouldn’t do anything about.

There was a time when for example this “when push comes to shove” meant that in an emergency or being shoved instead of pushing by life some people would act. They would rise to the occasion and do something about a problem.

Well I think that was part of the “good ole days” of human responsibility. These days I think we are more likely to blog about whatever instead. Shove being translated into postings as opposed to other action.

And so whereas at one time action was the consequence of a crisis and involvement meant asking “what can I do?” when feeling shoved, now we respond with saying it and deciding it is enough. Oh and of course you are always free to leave a comment on a blog posting if you see one that says something that pisses you off or you agree with. That is the other side of shoving, commenting even if rare is doing something from our point of view.

Am I complaining about this process. No, not really. Just making an observation. We are probably more inclined to say what we think than do something about it. And in the past there were plenty who bottled up some feelings when pushed came to shove and neither did or said anything. So perhaps in one way it is progress.

Plus it is good therapy too I suppose. After all talking is better than allowing one’s frustrations fester till you take a gun and vent your feelings in a real unhealthy manner.

So over all we can say it is all good fun. I just hope that people will try to keep that in focus. And hopefully it won’t be another in a series of excuses we manufacture to justify our ineptitude at real activism.

Which is always the importance in playing any game and the blogging game is no different. The rule is that the score doesn’t matter. It isn’t even how you play the game. It is the fact that you played at all. If you can remember that and enjoy yourself then shove your blogging heart out! And if you can’t well shove your blogging heart out anyway and at least it will maybe keep you from doing something more drastic. Cheers!

BEING POLITICALLY DIFFERENT

I’m sure most people have heard of the term politically correct. I always regarded it as walking the middle, wishy/washy ground where you guard yourself from trying to say anything offensive. And mainly it seems to apply to the idea of the names you give people. It is suppose to mean being sensitive to the identity of people who would regard a given nickname as one they would find unacceptable.

This seems to be a bigger problem today than in the past. There just seems to be way too many people who easily get pissed off because they are member of some group that at one time were referred to in one manner and they don’t like it.

Some of these can make sense. Especially if you are talking about folks who are members of a group that too often have been ridiculed unfairly. Naturally they are going to be more than a tad sensitive that you are insulting them if you use that same nickname by accident or intent.

It to me is all about being sensitive to people’s differences. Well at least that seems to be the priority. I’m not completely sure it works that way in practice though.

I guess that is because while “publicly” some politicians will avoid the use of certain names, in private it is a whole different manner. I know because I’ve been in the bar with a few fellow politicians who are fortunate nobody has a tape recorder or they would be in big trouble.

And I guess the think that really bothers me about this whole thing is I know and you know the way they talk in those settings represents the way they really feel. As for myself, well what can I say? I’m a lying, crook and a whole lot of other sleazing things, but I’m an equal opportunity scum.

That means to me that my goal is to rip everyone off as often and as much as possible. So I don’t have time to waste hating anyone for being different. I need the time and energy for figuring out how I’m going to pick your pocket and make you feel good about it!

Which I guess makes me an odd form of politically different. Because I don’t need regular hate to get through the day. So I like to think that gives me a few brownie points with my fellow man in that regard.

And boy do I need them to cancel out the fact that in so many incorrigible ways I’m going to do anything other than take the high ground on moral terms. I wish all of that translated into somehow me feeling superior to the hopeless narrow minded, anal retentive creeps who like to justify their hate.

But the big thing that annoys me is knowing that they lie too. It is just in their case it extend to them being able to have a public image of false decency.

Whereas in my case, well I never succeed at that kind of pretense. I could never keep a straight face that long!

GET EM AND SAID EM

There sure is a big difference between when you are promised something and when it actually takes place. No matter who sincere the person, no matter how believable they he or she seems to be the plain fact is until what they promise happens it is another case of “said em.”

Now as a politician I try my best to seduce people into thinking that my said em is a done deal in terms of the get em part is totally going to happen. Confidence is the big key. Making sure I sound and act as if what I promise has already taken place is what seems to work best.

And then later when the get em part doesn’t happen at all, well I try to figure a way not to be available for comment. Or I blame somebody else for it or find some excuse to explain the fact that the get em never happened.

Oddly enough though I get totally miffed with somebody does this too me. Like the experience I’m going through at the moment. My wife decided it was time to remodel our kitchen. I’m not really sure why since she normally doesn’t cook as a rule and we spend very little time there. But she made such a fuss that I told her okay get a contractor and have them work up a bid.

I’m thinking you know, get this over with as soon as possible for as cheap a fee as possible. I only wish that was what happened.

The first problem was actually getting a contractor to return my calls. It is as bad as trying to find a lawn guy. At least in our city. I guess they spend all their time out cutting grass, but one thing is for sure they aren’t going to call you back.

And dealing with these contractor types was about the same. But finally we did manage to reach a guy who promised to come out and look at what my wife wanted and give us a bid. So I waited at home for him on a Tuesday and waited and waited and the jerk never showed up or called. That was sure fun.

Well that didn’t discourage my wife. She was still burning with a desire to have a new kitchen. We tried again. This time we actually managed to even get the guy to come out and he gave us a bid a week later. His estimate for remodeling was two weeks.

That didn’t seem too bad. We penned the deal and figured in a couple of weeks things would return too normal. As of right now that was two months ago. And I guess it is a good thing my wife doesn’t cook that much because at the moment it looks like it will be three more weeks before he’s done.

Some people might claim that is justice for the times that I’ve done that to others. Does that mean I’m going to change? Nope it just means that next time I’ll plan on moving before I agree to remodel again. And that folks is my way of coping. If you wanted me to say I was going to change, I’ll promise too if you want. Just don’t hold your breath to see when it really happens!

FINES

As a citizen I think these are terrible. I hate them with a passion. But as a Mayor I love them. They are a great source of extra income. And people may not like them, but buddy let me tell you when you get stuck paying a fine for something like parking, you know you are too blame for the fine and can’t squawk too much about it being unfair.

Am I a hypocrite on this subject? Of course. I never claimed to be otherwise did I? Yep and I love every second of sitting down as a Mayor and seeing those monthly reports on the amount of fines our city has collected.

I just wish I could put fines on more things. The kinds of things that people do, but they aren’t illegal. Like asking stupid or ridiculous questions. Man would I make a fortune if I could do that.

Some of the questions ask when they call city hall really are amazing. The other day for example we had this guy who I think was probably calling from some mental ward pay phone and wanted to know if we hired extraterrestrials. Then he also wanted to know if they had to pay for parking their spaceship in a parking space if it didn’t actually touch the ground.

Let me tell you that was one phone call I was glad I didn’t have to answer. And if that was the only one it wouldn’t be so bad. But then we get stuck with people calling us to ask a question related to something to do with the State or Federal Government. Which is made worse by the fact they expect us to be some kind of legal expert on why a given law exists.

Beyond this little annoyance are the questions we get from people who I do wonder if they are using some kind of artificial help when calling. Like the person who called and wanted to know our hours we were opened for Christmas. Or the other person that wanted to know if we were opened all night. Do those questions sound reasonable to you? They sure don’t too me.

Anyway, my idea would be to tack on a fee to the person’s phone bill when they called and asked those kinds of questions. You could hit a button on your phone and that would make the computer send a specials charge to the person’s phone number.

Of course the real beauty would be if the person called to ask about the fee and you could zap them for a second fee for asking about the first one. Now that would really be a plus.

But I’m sure some darn lawyer or activists group would protest because they would suggest we couldn’t prove the person called with a dumb question. Now I ask you is that fair? Well okay, I admit that if I had that button on my phone everyone would get charged that fee.

However I suppose I’ll just have to content myself with those times I can go out with my little “tool” and touch some parking meter with time on it and make it read expired. Er, never mind that part I, er and bye!

WE'VE ONLY JUST ENDED

I remember the song done by the Carpenters’ entitled, “We’ve only just begun.” It is one of those sappy, heart-tugging forms of music they use at things like weddings. Hmmm, you think it would get the same reaction at a funeral? I guess not considering not everyone is too keen on the afterlife or possible eternal places of reference.

Just beginning is great in many ways. You are full of hopes and dreams and have the future of that beginning all figured out. Then, THEN, reality kicks you in the butt like it was some sadistic drill instructor.

Suddenly that bubble of prophesized lucidity bursts and instead you are back in the real world, groaning and feeling totally stupid for hoping for the impossible and getting only the possible. And I say, all the better. Reality may suck at times, but it what is real so be a grown up and cope!

Okay before you get ready to hang me for being an insensitive jerk (and why bother for that when I do plenty of other crap to be worthy of being hung for) let me point out that you can’t have any real success until you come out of the clouds. You can’t get rid of the muck and mire of life by flying away from it. You need a shovel and a whole lot of sweat and then when you are done you got to be ready to accept that how it looks it because it is meant to look that way.

Which is why I mention the idea of reflection from the perspective of only just ending. There is no better time to look in the mirror and see who is there than after you finish some effort. The history you create represent the real you. It is the composite of your genuine thinking and talents.

And it is from that platform of life you can use as a foundation for some honest expectations about tomorrow. Enjoy it, savor it and make you plans this time from the earth and not a group of clouds where fantasies always come true.

There are a multitude of endings in life. It isn’t just one event. So with each, learn something. Do something with what you learn and maybe the next time the outcome will be different. Or maybe not.

In either case, above all, despite how the win loss scoreboard tallied the game, enjoy it. That’s because life in any form is preferable to no life. Perhaps some might not think so, but that is how I cope.

And when all that attempts to convince my self that I’m just great when I blow it at something fails. That’s when I head somewhere for a few ounces of liquid courage.

Hey I said to keep your feet on the ground. But I never said you had to do it sober! Wings are great, but they are hard to come by. Booze however is plentiful and you never have to worry about it falling off!

Cheers and keep smiling. It is yet another flash of the practical from your guide to sanity that works in a world filled with insanity.

SWEARING RICH

Cussing is one of those standards of social hypocrisy that is a constant in our society. At it is least too me. That’s because of the fact that on the surface of public imagery we like to pretend it life, the use of profanity is a taboo. Yet, how many of us do it privately, including a few bible thumpers who obviously wouldn’t admit it.

And where do most of us learn this type of behavior? Why at home of course. We probably saw our parents go to church or some meeting and never utter a single cuss word. But when they were really pissed or under stress, man did the verbal crap fly!

Perhaps that wasn’t your experience. Maybe you grew up the offspring of some English professor who had a thesaurus for a brain and managed to use synonyms for four letter words to express his or her anger. But I personally wouldn’t have wanted to listen to some poly-syllabic ranting. I get the message easy enough with the generic form of profanity.

And so I think the general rule is swearing in public is not acceptable. Plus if you are a supposed “decent” person then naturally you won’t end up saying the kind of crap the rest of us lacking self control wouldn’t hesitate to say.

What amazes me is that while we don’t admire the person with a so-called “foul mouth” and probably because most of us do it ourselves, we do seem to admire that seedy side when it comes from some guy with more bucks than brains. I’m speaking of the filthy rich. It is sort of like we’ve figured they got that way by either selling their souls to the devil or generally being a greedy creep so there is no reason for them not to cuss.

In fact I think we almost expect it. Like we would be a bit disappointed if the person who in our opinion had to be a pure tiger without a conscience didn’t devour the harmless, weak and abuse anyone who gets in his or her way. So if they love doing that why should they not indulge in the kind of language that is other than ordinary language.

In that regard I get a little envious of them I suppose. I mean if some rich tyrant gets miffed because he didn’t make enough profit on a deal he can rant and rave at his heart’s content and sprinkle it with as many profane words as necessary and you expect it.

If I was to do that as a Mayor I wouldn’t be loved or admired. You can count on that. I know better.

So I have to restrain myself. And let me tell you there are plenty of times I don’t enjoy doing that. I get downright annoyed and upset when I can’t let me tongue breathe and talk the way I really want.

But I guess I know this isn’t going to change. However I hope you appreciate that I might just envy the rich a little for their freedom in that regard. Not that I plan on joining them soon. I’d love to, but it just doesn’t seem to ever work out that way. And that is in itself a reason to want to say a few four letter words, but not in this posting darn it!

DISCOVERING AMERICA

This is one of those things they talk about when you are encouraged to go on vacation to “discover” America. And what does that normally involve? Essentially it means a lot of visiting tourist traps where you pay a higher than usual fee to see stuff that you could get in a postcard. It means being shuttled around like cattle on tours where some low paid tour guide recites from memory some speech he or she was taught containing facts you could read about in a history book for free.

And somewhere in the whole process you discover the cardboard, flag waving façade called America, but NOT the real America. I’m speaking of the one that exists behind closed door where real Americans say what they really think.

I’m talking about the kinds of places that you don’t generally take photos of where people don’t always share in the bounty that we believe is America. That kind of discovery normally doesn’t make it on the tourist circuit because who wants to waste their vacation seeing reminders of how their own life sucks?

The real America is a composite of good and bad just like everything. It isn’t perfect or sterile of things that can both inspire patriotism and also anger for the inequity of life.

But the real discovering of America is one that starts from the inside. It begins with where we live and what we do. It is the awareness of the joys of victories of the things in life that want to make you scream. And it is the stamina and determination to keep trying when life deals you a bad hand. That is the discovering of America that we all get to do. Only I’m not sure we want to all the time.

Why face reality when there is cable, fast foods and a host of other was to escape what pisses us off and depresses? That we can savor and enjoy and it too is a form of discovering America.

We look upon the flag and see stars and stripes. But don’t forget it waves which means it maintains the same structure, but it in a constant state of change. That is also a form of discovering if you are willing to accept it.

If not, well pull up a chair and join me in front of the boob tube. We’ll split a six pack or two or three, exchange a few dirty jokes, scratch ourselves and most of all work on discovering the best way not to discover the side of America that we would rather forget.

And if by chance after doing that you feel curious then go ahead and run out there and enjoy whatever. Then once you have discovered the part of America that is all you can handle for another year come back and we’ll start over. Don’t worry I won’t say, “I told you so.”

I might ask you to pass the beer or snacks, but as we lose ourselves in some cable flick we can both smile and know that is a form of discovery also.

MAKING UP VERSES MAKE UP

This might seem like two totally unrelated issues, but not to a politician such as myself. After all for me, my public image is a form of make up. And even though I know the make up is purely fiction, I still have to wear it as Mayor.

Now for me part of this make up is keeping up the image of unity with some people who are complete jerks. Not because I want to wimp out in terms of telling them off. It is because I need some of them for one reason or another.

So on those occasions with the gossamer illusion of unity is shredded by the facts, I have to go through the sham of pretending to make up with the person. (Yawn.) I hate that part. All that smiling and talking about how great the person is while gritting one’s teeth to keep from wanting to beat the jerk to a pulp.

It is a game admittedly. But one I have to play at times in order to get what I want. And even those after years of being in office I have managed to eliminate a great many of the jerks we still have an abundant supply.

You see the making up being cosmetic it doesn’t in any way keep me from plotting revenge against the person I hate. I just don’t let them know it. That way if they think I like them or want to be their pal I can get them to lower their guard and sooner or later I find out some weakness that I can exploit.

This is another facet to this whole charade. Basically making darn sure I never let the person find out they got a bull’s eye on their forehead. I have to sit there with my hunting rifle with scope (figuratively speaking) and say, “why no, this isn’t loaded. I’m just holding it for a friend. See I just — BOOM! Oh darn, clumsy me, I had the safety off. BOOM! Oh I’m so sorry. Let me get you a band aid.”

Now that’s my kind of making up. And believe me I have found various creative means to practice it over the years. Of course I would never admit it to anyone that can vote. To them I’m a pussy cat and caring person. Is that a good make up job or what?

The great thing though I doubt they will admit it is that a whole lot of other people practice this kind of making up and make up too. Or do any of you believe for a second that all those smiles and hugging done by the entertainer types is totally genuine? If so then they’ve done an even better job at make up than I imagined.

All in all it is for me great fun. Honesty can be so boring at times. That silliness of telling the truth is so monotonous. Nope, this way is so much more creative and entertaining. It is like being more than one person and getting paid for it.

Only you don’t get your shot at an Oscar. However neither do you have to worry about ratings or critics trashing your flick.

In any case it’s a living. It may not as much credible as some might like, but I’ve learned to call this political theater home for better or worse. And as long as I can keep covering up the worse then making up will be tolerable. Which is what gives me a reason to show up for work each day regardless of the wishes of some.

IN THE WASH

A washer is such an amazing tool. I wonder sometimes how people got by without them. And I’m grateful that at least at my house we have a house keeper who washes clothes as part of her duties. That makes an easy task even easier from my point of view.

I just wish there was a way to put a whole lot of other things in life through a washer. But instead if I want to clean up my little acts of indiscretion I have to rely upon my news paper/washing machine reporter pal, Hugo Muckraker. He is such a master at taking the times when I blunder and let my conniving plans get discovered and covering it up. Heck on really great occasions he can even figure a way to be sure somebody else gets the blame for my mistakes. Now let’s see you do that with a regular washer.

The thing I find fascinating is how some people would take my comments and be shocked in their opinion. To which I would like to point out that as far as I can tell there is a whole lot of washing going on by other politicians, corporations and basically anyone who has an image that gets tainted from time to time and they need to bleach it of its stains.

To that end I would like to protest. Here I am, just an small city Mayor doing my best to keep my image clean and spotless all for the sake of my voters. (Okay for the sake of making sure they don’t find out what a jerk I really am.) But the point is I do it for a specific reason and it only affects my city. And outside of the little plans that get messed up from time to time, basically in my city life goes on and nobody is really all that concerned when my image ends up in the wash.

Still there are those that would be all pissed off by my laundry and never utter a word when some corporation or the boys in Washington do this on a larger scale. Hey those guys have far more dirty laundry that I could ever own. And you sure can’t blame them for making sure the mistakes they do end up going in the wash when nobody is looking. Who needs the grief of having people criticize you preference in the kind of scandal soap you need to use? Like they would really offer up some alternative.

Some crazy people would call the truth the ultimate form of wash, but not to me. If you use it on your dirty laundry that is hopelessly stained due to you being a crook the only thing that is going to happen when you clean it with truth is that it will fall apart. And I happen to like my clothes, stain or not with greed. So excuse the heck out of me for not enjoying the idea of being stuck having to fabricate a whole new wardrobe of deception.

Unfortunately in reality I know that no matter how hard I try there are times when what ends up in the wash in terms of my activities is never going to end up quite as clean as some people would expect. And it becomes my job to be sure I get the wrinkles of the flaws in activities ironed out with some form of cover up before they get noticed by the wrong people. That is the part of being in the wash that I’ve learned to be really good at from my point of view. I just hope the voters never find out how many wrinkles were there before I lied about them being ironed.

DOING THINGS FOR A PARTICULAR REASON

Holidays can be so wonderful. That is providing you don’t get sucked into some participating in some silly traditions, which you don’t want to do, but feel you have to.

Now if life weren’t complicated enough and we didn’t enough crazy traditions or holidays sometimes we invent extra. Not because we need them mind you, but because we end up loving pain or acting plain stupid.

Well that is the way it works in Mediocrity. Honestly some of the so-called concerned citizens in my city are obsessed with making a fuss over the strangest things.

For example the other day a group of pet lovers decided we needed a “pet day.” And there idea of pet day involved allowing people to bring their pets to work. Like I could as Mayor be expected to force the owners of companies to do that!

I have nothing against owning a pet if that is your thing. We do have a dog at home because the kids wanted one. But I don’t have any reason to want to celebrate the fact by having to bring the flee bag to my office.

Well once I managed to dissuade these folks from that idea their next suggestion was to have a pet parade. They even wanted to have people make floats for the parade and have an animal actor be the grand marshal.

There idea was that they wanted the floats to be made out of animal fur. And one maniac even went so far to suggest that we check to see if the people who sell fur coats would be willing to donate the fur.

I’m sure you can appreciate how I didn’t find that suggestion very sane. I did eventual concede to the idea of having a parade, but without the fur floats.

Another memorable experience was when this same group wanted to consider the city starting a zoo. I felt we already have one in terms of too many people that act like monkeys, but I didn’t share that observation with them of course.

Anyway I tried to point out the cost would be considerable and for our size city that might not be realistic. One of the members of the group countered that we could keep the cost down by taking advantage of existing property that belonged to the city and convert it over to a zoo. This genius’s idea was to use the football stadium at the high school.

That led to a rather heated debate over, which was more important to the education of the youth, sports or learning about animals. I had to end the meeting before this one PE teacher who happened to be an animal lover nearly got into a fight with the person advocating converting the stadium into a zoo.

At least since they never resolved their disagreement I was spared a request for another meeting. But experience has taught me to not expect the drought in such meetings to last. So I’ll prepare with plenty of booze and aspirin as I always do.

HOLDING A TIGER BY THE TALE

No, I didn’t misspell the word “tail.” I’m not the best speller in the world, but I did mean tale instead of tale.

The phrase holding a tiger by the tail generally to me suggests the idea of you attempting to control a tiger, but in reality you don’t have any actual control. Basically you simply piss off the tiger and when he gets free you will probably get eaten.

With my version I’m not speaking so much in terms of the kinds of tigers you find in nature. I’m talking about the type that are city dwellers, wear suits and get high being predators.

Now unless you happen to have the kind of weapon such as a really big gun in terms of power you’ll probably not be able to beat one of these tigers or even capture one. And if you try to tangle with them unless you are some type of Tarzan of the asphalt, you’ll most likely end up a victim instead of a the victor.

Which is why I prefer to use the type of weapon that can cripple or maim one of these predators without having to fire a shot. Essentially I’m talking about lies. Only the kind you spread as a real credible tale that causes people to see the person in such a way that the tiger can find any victims. You just ruin their reputation and starve them to death!

At least that is the concept I’m talking about. I can’t always say it will work, but I have had success on more than one occasion with this approach.

To some I’m sure this might sound like the cowards approach. They would most likely be advocates of some kind of in your face approach in the delusion that the tiger is a dumb creature totally dependent on brute strength for its survival.

The only problem is that the human predator type of tiger is often not that stupid and will not in any way be intimidated by any threats or weapons other than if you pull the trigger. And unfortunately too often the weapons that work best just aren’t available like one would want.

Why? Because the main thing that stops these predators is the law. That is when you can manage to get them convicted, which is what way too many lawyers get hired to help them avoid.

Which is why I prefer my approach. It is one where you take away their teeth, but ruining their reputation. And the bigger the lie or tale that you can tell the better in my book.

Personally I do encourage this approach by as many people as possible. You see if I can get enough people to do hunting this way then when they get eaten I can sneak in and rip off their assets.

Then I blame it on the tiger naturally. And is the best tale to hold a tiger by. At least I can say that when I end up with all the loot and the tiger only gets the leftovers!

WHOSE LIFE IS IT, WE SAY

There is always that age old question I suppose of “whose life is it anyway?” The idea being I think that the person asking it is basically saying, “Hey, I’m going to do what I want and when I want it. Do you have a problem with that?”

Now the optimum response ought to be no. But that isn’t the one that frequently seems to be expressed indirectly. Basically what it comes down to with some people who view life according to how much they control everything that whose life is it anyway is that your life is whatever they SAY it is. Which if you work for them or they have any authority over you then that is the way they plan on enforcing their view of things.

I find it ironic that in a place where we celebrate freedom we spend so much of our time involved in situation and with people who want to take away our liberty. Their idea of freedom is you doing what they want while they don’t grant you any options whatsoever.

What inspires such behavior? There are text books that provide all kinds of answers. But I think it comes down to the simple desire consuming need for greed. Yep, this might be the land of the free and home of the brave, but it is the dude with the power who holds all the aces. And believe me I’ve seen enough of them, myself included to know sharing isn’t part of their concept of democracy.

All of this translates into the fundamental irony that we are never content to war with each other to control and dominate. That would never be enough for people with the kind of power to treat people and nations like chess pieces. Heck if you got that kind of clout why would you not want to use it?

And they do. Which is why once they get through messing up our country they go out and want to spread this joy to the rest of the world. Naturally since other nations have their own versions of greedy and selfish leadership they aren’t always keen on having somebody from our country want to treat them as a chess piece.

But we call this whole process foreign policy. The main benefit being that as long as the government by which I mean the boys in power are busy doing things to tinker with other people then they have less time to give us any grief. That is good news and for a while we even get shot at ruling our own lives and knowing some degree of neer-freedom.

However it never lasts forever. That’s because when the big boys are off playing power chess with the world, us bush league politicians sneak in an try to gleam all the power we can in their absence. Hey do you expect me to pretend on that item?

So for me, well I savor and want to encourage the big boys to go out and enjoy having a good time trying to rule the world. And all join those who want to gripe behind their backs about how they abuse power.

After all if I can suck up to you enough and make you think I’m on your side then you won’t be quite as inclined to be upset when I help you enjoy freedom by my standard. And I think you know what that standard is, my first and last and then you get what you want if there is anything left when I get done.

DREAM LEAVER

Ah yes how sweet it is. At least too me. I love those precious times when you can stir the imagination and inspire how in people and then at the precise moment they truly allow themselves to see a vision, you wipe out the image!

Now that is the kind of cruelty that isn’t illegal. It might be unethical, but you won’t go to jail for it. And the devastation of disillusionment that follows can often make the person worse off than when before they had any hope. Sometimes to the point they never will trust or believe in anything again. Well providing you work it right.

Admittedly this is something I regard as a weapon. So I do exercise a little restrain in terms of its use. Normally I reserve it for those people I really, really hate and have a reason to want to get even with or make their lives miserable.

However the real trick is not letting them know I plotting anything. And it can take real restraint to lie well enough that they don’t get suspicious regarding my intentions. I tell you it can be such a pain having to make somebody think they are great when I know they are complete morons. But I manage.

Okay so who makes my hit list? Well obvious any political opponents. And people who are members of some activists group that want to mess up any of my conniving plans. Then there are the fiscal power brokers who want to control me just to satiate their egos. With them you really have to be careful since they always have spies and never assume anything you say is the truth. So it is sort of like playing chess for me with them. Only when I manage to win I can’t shout check mate otherwise they might send some thug around to rearrange my body parts.

Naturally how could I possibly complete my list without including the die-hard, anal retentive, hate and call it love, extremists who happen to also be bible thumpers. These are a crazy brand and are definitely a breed apart from the average decent and sane bible thumpers. And predictably they are the type that use the cross to cut out your heart all the time telling you they love you.

Again my comment isn’t applicable to the normal bible thumpers. They are the type that live their convictions and can be reasoned with. They actually are plotting to do much of anything except be sure you know about what they believe.

In any case those I’ve mentioned are naturally on my any time, anywhere hit list. Essentially those are the people who are as a rule completely selfish and thus while they will do anything to get what they want they are also easily victimize in terms of this dream concept. All you have to do is wave that carrot of a way they can turn their lust for money and power into a potential vision and they don’t need a whole lot of other encouragement.

So I just do what I can to help them capture the vision. This includes playing the game of neither of us telling the real truth. And if I work it right, well when the end up knowing they’ve been cheated their pride keeps them from complaining since they were doing the same thing too. Which means I just leave and take their dream with me while they stay behind pretending they are in control. It can be such a fun game.

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

This is more than a song by the Rolling Stones. It is a far too graphic description of too many moments in life. Not trying to be totally negative here, but honestly how many times can you say you were totally satisfied with something in life?

Or am the only person in the world who doesn’t have a perfect job, perfect marriage and everything else in my life lingers in the domain of sucking way too often. Sound familiar? Well then by all means feel in you have plenty of company.

Okay if we truly examine this thing called life we can say one of several things. We don’t know how long we are going to life. We also don’t have any guarantees that we will get what we want or that what will do get will work correctly. In short perfect is not the word that genuinely describes life is it?

So if that be the case then shouldn’t one tailor’s one’s expectations accordingly? I mean simply that we should be prepared to know when we eat out or buy anything or have relationship that it may not be perfect. In fact it won’t be.

You see the one thing I have observed is the people that no matter what just can enjoy anything. They go on vacations only to complain about crowds and costs. It makes you wonder why they even bother doesn’t it?

What I’m striving here for is to toss out the idea that perhaps the best course of action is to RELAX. Basically find the good and joy in what you have and can do.

Believe me that is simple advice, just not the kind too many people seem to want to accept. They may know it is true, but you could never tell it by their behavior.

And so while the bible thumpers sit around with gloomy faces whining about sin and thinking they’ll be happy when they get to heaven when they can’t enjoy life here I say, “stop kidding yourself!” The same goes for the conservatives and liberals who think they can never be truly happy as long as the other spectrum of thinking survives.

All of which to me says that extremists are pains in the butt and never will be happy. But why should that keep the rest of us from smiling.

I see this as a titanic warfare and clash between those who want to smile and those who don’t know how. I want to start a revolution of curled lips where we stop this foolishness of not giving ourselves a break and thinking only bad news and sadness are the way to life.

Come on folks, be a little daring. Have the raw courage to be compassionate and caring, but be able to enjoy it. Or if you can’t then don’t care what the misery merchants will think, say forget it, I’m not doing this crap anymore.

Then reach for whatever tingles your ego and senses, kick back and know when the burned out, stress choke saps are all dead from heart attacks you’ll still be around and ready to enjoy tomorrow. Cheers, peace and happiness to one and all.

TREASURE SAPS

Ah yes the grand and glorious quest of something yellow and shiny. And you know while I admire that gusto of lust, I do get weary of people who are saps about it.

By that I mean people who let their basic proclivity towards greed make them go utterly stupid. Which is so easy to happen when you let your shear passion for riches turn into an addiction where you can think of anything else. That’s when you get sappy.

Now for me wealth is great. And I’ll do most anything to be sure I get my share. However I do like to enjoy life too. Being a workaholic don’t cut it.

You see the main problem I see is when people get so consumed by the need for greed that they don’t have any ability to appreciate when they are taking it to a dangerous extreme. They will gladly ream out anyone or anything to make a buck. And that friends leads to creating enemies who won’t sleep till they get even.

Now I certainly don’t have any qualms about ripping off my fellow man. I just intend to do it in a way that they don’t know I’m doing it. There is a difference in that regard between winning and being a jerk about it.

So naturally this requires playing the hypocrite and lying a great deal. I have to pretend when I totally rip somebody off that I don’t gloat about it. That way the actually think I did it accidentally or if I’m really successful they go away believing what I did was a good thing.

The difference between this approach and the arrogant jerk who stabs you in the back and brags about it is whether they end up your enemy and seek away to get revenge. Which to me avoiding is essential since I do have to run for reelection and too many people will remember if I shafted them by the next election.

Basically the bottom line is of course that I have to strike a balance. Go for the throat, but be sure the person is wearing a blindfold of my verbal threads in the process.

In the end they often go away thinking I did them a favor. I’m not saying the person is stupid. I’m merely saying that if I show respect to their view of things and weave it into my con then I manage to win in a way that never results in me having to constantly look over my back for their knife.

I’m speaking of the practical side of being a pure crook here. Stealing with a smile, lie and most of all with a false sense of humility. It can work wonders in those times when somebody actually figures out my scam is a scam. If I have worked it correctly even if they find out the truth they generally think maybe they are wrong in their conclusion.

And that folks is life the Limburger way of looking at it. Always leave them laughing whenever possible. That way they won’t hear when you are laughing behind their backs while on the way to the bank with your winnings!

LONG DISTANCE LYING

Now you might think I was in some way going to weave the use of the phone or Internet into this posting. But no, that isn’t the direction I’m headed. However I think if you drew that conclusion then it sort of lays the foundation of where I want to do.

Basically when I’m speaking of long distance I mean in terms of time more than actual miles. The distance of the grains of time that drift across our lives. Hmmm, I guess I better watch myself because whenever I start drifting into some “poetic” usage of words it means I’m falling of my practical perch and allowing my mind to wander some domain where you need a conscious and spirituality to function.

That can be a dangerous territory for a greedy, back stabbing slug such as myself, but I at least know the times it is creeping into my thoughts and I’m able stop before I actually get possessed by some spirit of decency. I hate to even where that would lead in my case, but it would carry a risk of me actually trying to be honest and I don’t want to contemplate how disgusting life would be for me in that condition. It is just too darn scary.

Well now that I’ve rambled on the detour long enough let me get back to what I really wanted to talk about. Essentially it is the idea of planning with the full knowledge what you are planning won’t work. But you go ahead with the idea and give speeches and do all the superficial things necessary to make you lie appear as if it can work.

Doing that with something that can happen in the near future is one thing. That is normally a response out of desperation. But when it involves some plan where it is going to take place over years then I call that long distance lying. And that is because you plan and putting a lot of distance between you and that lie before people find out what you were saying wasn’t true.

This kind of strategy is best for things where you can put a time table of decades too. That way you can plan on being long gone or even dead before anyone figured out you didn’t know what you were doing.

And the glorious thing about his whole thing is that it fits politics and government work perfectly. After all it is so helpful to create this illusion about some plan you can toss out there that won’t be put into affect for several years due to the fact that it takes time to implement changes in any bureaucracy. However in the meantime you get the thrill of giving a speech and telling everyone how great the plan is.

Admittedly this works better with the big boys than local politics. After all there system is far more complex and vast so there are far greater opportunities to create bogus things that can get good press now, but be disaster later.

But you can be assured that in my city I do everything I can to utilize this system. And I’m always on the lookout for new opportunities to practice such long distance efforts. The big challenge is making sure I have enough facts to lie effectively. The truth might set your free, but if you don’t know enough of it you can sure end up experience a lot of things beside freedom!

CONQUERING HEROES

We definitely have a love affair with winners in this country. And even if they aren’t perfect and maybe bend a law or two it sort of gets forgotten about in the midst of all the celebration.

We aren’t even satisfied with the usual faire of challenges for competition to find things to enjoy about winning. So we come up with sports to add another facet. They help us savor the glory of deciding whose best in events that don’t otherwise do a thing to contribute to the needs of society.

Am I against sports? Of course not. I enjoy rooting for my favorite team as much as the next person. I’m just pointing out how like so many things they exist not for any practical reason, but for shear enjoyment. Which again goes back to the concept of us nearly worshipping any chance to win.

Heck we love this aspect of competition so much that even if the reality is that people aren’t perfect and can’t win every time we will invent heroes that do. For example just look at how often movies are created with some “super cop” who is invisible and always solves every crime. How about those movies where we create those “one man” army warriors? I tell you they sure wouldn’t keep making them if enough of us didn’t love to believe at least one person out there is going to win no matter what happens.

I suppose all I’m really doing here is facing the reality that in part this is compensation for the fact that real life simply doesn’t work that way. And I’m also saying that is cool.

I mean so what if we fall behind in terms of quality of lifestyle or are unable to keep up with the competition in other countries in some regard. Hey are Army has still proved we can kick butt against an inferior enemy that is poorly trained and with less capable weapons. We won and that is what counts in the score book that we love to put on display.

And what is the big deal if we might run out of energy resources or that our future might include some potential disasters such as the collapse of social security? You can be darn sure that even if the whole world falls apart and our own country is a hopeless mess, we will not let it be that way in the movies.

Nope we can all look forwarded to hailing the conquering heroes in the situation even if it is all an illusion. At least we will be able to escape the reality for while with a movie. And thanks to cable we won’t even have to worry about leaving our homes to do it.

Oh true we might have to sweat it a little as reality hits us harder in the pocket book. But what the heck when we get a chance to sit down in that easy chair and press the button to watch the movie that will make it all better then we will be just fine.

All I can say then to those fretting and warning things are going to get worse is relax. Sit back turn on that movie with the perfect hero and pass the popcorn while it lasts!

THE EMPEROR'S NEW THROES

I guess I’m in one of those moods. The kind where you sit back when things are less hectic and your mind decides to punish you for the retreat by filling your brain with questions you’d rather not think about.

In this case I was thinking about power. And how truly crazy this world is because of it. Now admittedly I am in my city a person with a certain degree of power. Some of which is illusion, but the part I wish was illusion isn’t.

In that sense I’m speaking of the issue of choice. And to adhere to the title a bit let me speak of the concept of an emperor as anyone with the power to make things truly happen and how much choice plays an integral part in that reality.

Essentially whether you inherit power or manage to take it away from somebody else there will be a circle of influence that comes with this power. That is the place of choice as I see it.

Which is where I think the old saying “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” applies the most. For just having the power to make choices that influences others isn’t the problem. It is when you get so obsessed with making choices to constantly flaunt your power that causes problems.

I know I’m hardly saying anything new in that regard. We all have been down the road of dealing with someone that takes his or her authority to an extreme. And I do wonder if our reaction is more out of anger or jealously. Not that I expect anyone to answer that. I merely point out the times when in some situations there is a rebellion against power and the new leaders end up just as abusive of their power as the last person.

So is there a way to solve this problem? I can think of a few options. One is to figure a good way to control the person in power’s options. That’s a good idea, just not very feasible. There isn’t much likelihood of somebody thrust into a position of power saying something like “Hey I know this will go to my head so I only want to be powerful to a certain degree.” Yep dream on in that sense.

Why did I even bother with this reflection? I guess entertainment I suppose. I love the contradiction of how we herald a new “emperor” when they get anointed in some part of the world. And then express shock and outrage when he or she goes through the throes of letting the power corrupt them. I’m not sure in that regard who has the bigger problem, the person who has the power or the one how gripes about it.

It is sort of like clinging to any assumption that a politician will ever act as anything except a politician. When they get elected they do the same with power as anyone. So how come we act shocked when they do what comes naturally? Like I said maybe we need to ask the simple question if our reaction is outrage over the behavior or more envy because we didn’t get the chance to do it ourselves?

I guess you’ll have to answer that one yourself. Or do like I do and not think about it whenever possible.

OPEN ALL NIGHT

There aren’t very many places in my city that can claim this. And in the city of Mediocrity I could hardly blame them. After all we are hardly the capital of night life.

What do we have that stays open all night amounts basically to this one pharmacy and also a fast food place. We did have a grocery store that tried it for a while, but frankly they couldn’t find any help who could stay up all night and once the crooks figured out the people would be napping when they went inside, that ended that experiment.

For the most part I’m rather glad so many public places in my city aren’t open all night. Of course with things like hospitals, police and fire departments they have no choice, but to man the phones all night long. Naturally if you do call the cops or fire department you have to let it ring several times. However they will answer you sooner or later. Maybe the guy who answers will yawn a lot and he may ask you to repeat your information a couple of times, but he will answer.

Personally since crime of the time the cops have to handle it not a major problem in my city I can’t blame them for not getting too excited about staying awake all night. And to be honest I’m not sure the last time we had a fire in the middle of the night, so I don’t think I’m surprised the don’t hang around the phones that much.

I guess about the only I don’t like is that the bars can’t serve alcohol passed a certain time. It is such a pain having to leave at a given time and then go in search of some place we can continue a party that isn’t technically a bar with a liquor license. But I do manage.

I have toyed with the notion of wondering if we would improve the appeal or our city with more options that stayed open all night. Maybe a few donut stores or convenience stores might be a good idea. We only have one convenience store that does stay open all night. And even they close on the weekends at a given time. So if you get the munchies in the middle of the night and it is the weekend you’re in big trouble in my city.

The same pretty much holds true for the gas stations. I think since everyone knows it they normally either are sure they fill up before the stations close or they go out other highway beyond the city limits where there are a couple of stations that stay open all night.

Overall I’m happy with the arrangement in terms of not having that much open all night. After all in Mediocrity too many of my citizens are so prone to dullness and being boring they don’t even enjoy things during the middle of the day. So for their sakes it is just so much easy to not have to face that fact by having most things close.

And on those rare occasions when somebody visits a relative in town and happens to complain about the lack of night life, well if I hear about I just smile. They really don’t know how much better off we are without any reminders that bland is an essential quality to dwell in a city where dull is a way of life.

I OWE ME

Do you ever loan to yourself? Sound stupid? Well think about it. Who do you really live for? Yourself right? No, I’m not peddling selfishness here, just pointing out that if you don’t do things to help yourself then who will?

What I’m driving at is that if we can’t please ourselves then who can we honestly please? And let me tell you I sure know a lot of people who owe themselves in that regard big time.

Why? That’s because they borrowed from their own future in terms of putting off some dream till tomorrow. Essentially what I’m talking about is that somewhere in their life they simply decided to be only practical and not dream or hope any longer. Their eyes reveal that slow death of resignation.

Am I suggesting they should somehow go off in pursuit of some silliness and call it happiness? No. You got to make a living. Fact of life and we all know it. But is that all your life has become? You got to wonder at times with some people.

And I think the whole problem is not with the fact that we don’t always live up to our own expectations, but whether we end up punishing ourselves for it instead of doing what we can to make it up to ourselves. How does one do that? It is easier than you think.

Let’s say for example you always dreamt of being some mover and shaking in the area of business. And perhaps you even tried at some point, but things never worked out.

So instead you end up at some dead end job with no hope of ever doing better than simply being a ordinary working stiff. I know I’ve probably described way too many folks. Hey we live in a society that keeps the rewards for the few. It may be the home of the brave, but it is the greed and selfish immoral power hunger predators that have the keys to all the locks.

Which is why I say don’t stress that stuff. If you spend all your time sitting around whining about what you don’t have then you have failed to pay your own debt or basically you have cash in on what you do have the works.

I imagine a few people might think it is easy for me as a Mayor given my elite condition to talk about enjoying what you have. But consider if you will the fact that I too had a dream. I wanted to be among the big boys of politics. Only it didn’t happen. I just never managed to work the political machine well enough to get passed local politics.

I’m not trying to get sympathy here just pointing out how I probably feel a whole lot like the rest of you about having a debt to myself I have never fully paid. The only difference perhaps is I am paying myself off in different ways.

How? Well for one by giving myself a “raise” in terms of pleasure wherever I can. That means doing the most with what I have. And let me tell you folks I see a whole lot of debt that never gets paid off because the person is simply too proud to go to their own bank of esteem and find the coins that will work.

Here’s hoping you find that special currency in your life to make you at least feel like the success life hasn’t rewarded you with. And don’t worry about the interest on the debt to yourself, you have your whole life to pay it back!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

Have you ever found yourself in the position where that was your only real response to a problem? I think it normally happens mainly when somebody is pissed about a problem and knows you can’t change things, but wants an opportunity to gripe just the same.

And believe me I get more than my share of these moments as Mayor. Most of the time I don’t mind listening. But the one thing I do have to be concerned with is when the person becomes addicted to knowing I’ll listen.

That’s because they are so starved for attention that they start expecting me to listen to problems that have to do with life in general and not just related to anything in our city. Those are the ones I have to try and put the brakes on since I don’t care to let them get carried away in that regard. Otherwise sooner or later they end up gradually drifting from real problems to imagined ones. And I for one am not interested in somebody else’s paranoid ramblings over things like shadow governments, the infamous “they” or even some supposed conspiracy involving alleged aliens who the person is convinced has a secret arrangement with the government.

But outside of those incidents I don’t get to bored taking time to listen when somebody in my employ or a concerned voter wants to vent a thought or two about life in our city. It actually shows me that they are paying attention to his or her surroundings. Which in Mediocrity is truly amazing since most people couldn’t even tell you the headline story on a given day that appeared in our local paper.

What I appreciate is that this is not the only place in the world where life my dwell in a state of constant comatose awareness. Like that little stab at a poetic comment? Well I tried at least.

Anyway my inherit struggle is to walk the tightrope between action and in-action. To listen and yet know when my only real question to a given situation is “what can I say?” And that is the place where I balance myself by shear experience.

Plus a little common sense too. To give you an example then let me just show you how I categorize the times I know for sure to ask this question. To start with it would apply to any meeting with the following people, Colonel Stickemstill who wants to carpet bomb everything just on general principal, the Reverend Analbe who wants to eliminate all fun in the world and Lance Allworthy just because he is a pain in the butt.

Those examples are easy to deal with. I can count on them bringing me a totally worthless observation about something that can’t honestly be changed. As for the rest of my community, well they vary. And it does take some time in certain situations to ferret out those who fall in this “what can I say” category.

I have just learned there are more of them than the ones that bring me a problem I can help with. And even fewer who drop by that also offer to actually help with the problem. I only wish that was the majority of the time when I could ask “what can I say” out of admiration for somebody actually volunteering to solve problem.

Alas it is the stuff of dreams in my case. Hopefully it will happen in my lifetime. Probably about the same time I win the lottery.

MONSTERS AND MAZES

Have you heard of that game “Dungeons and Dragons?” And in case you are assuming, no this is not a take on that game in terms of this posting.

This is another posting where I slip into my “closet of surety” in terms staying on familiar ground. While I love dispensing my Limburger practical and veracious sagacity with regards to my view of life and the world there are times when I must digress to my most favorite subject. That obvious being the lifeblood of my passion and soul (assuming I actually still have it and didn’t sell it without realizing), the territory and domain of electorate leadership or local Mayoral politics.

Did I get long-winded and wordy enough for you on that one? There are times when I’m called on to address some group who I can feed only baloney and keep their attention. And in this case I happen to have a meeting with several businessman coming up to discuss certain aspect of our city’s business realm and the way my city encourages such prosperity.

These are greedy, cut throat and take no prisoner types of fiscal tigers. So I can just toss them a bone without them taking off my arm in the process.

That means polishing up my verbiage to be sure I leave them with the impression I actually respect them. I do in terms of their predator nature, but I’m shrewd enough to appreciate they wouldn’t hesitate to cut my throat if they could.

So thus they are to me “monsters.” Only not the type I can kill off and never see again. If I manage to wipe these beasts out more will take their place and they might be even worse.

Basically my best defense is to lead them into a maze of my promises and feed them a few walls of regulations to keep them from escaping. If I do my job correctly then I end up keeping them trapped without realizing my deed was intentional.

And despite these individuals being very astute they do have one incredible weakness. That is their ego. I let them think they are in control.

Which really isn’t as hard as you might imagine. You take them into your confidence by sharing something you make them think is a secret only you will trust them to know. Plus the big part is also asking their opinion and then shifting through their self-absorbed diatribe for the one morsel of fact I can actually chew on without risking any damage to my plans or organization.

The best part is having them think they actually one. That becomes such an addiction to them. They normally lower their guard when they assume they can control them.

And that brings the joy of having them end up making some contribution to my personal cause. Which becomes their toll to escape the maze. But just like a good monster they never are able to think hard enough to appreciate the maze really is a trap that for them has no exit!

VOLUNTEERS

A volunteer is from my view somebody willing to participate in whatever just because they want to. Nobody forces them to participate they just do it for fun or some personal reason.

Of course there are all kinds of things for which you can volunteer. Some will require a cost of one kind or another, other’s just time.

And they range from helping out at a rescue mission, to giving blood and these days even joining the military. Which to me is taking the whole volunteer idea way beyond any point of reason because I don’t care how you choose to look at it getting killed it a lot more drastic price than I would want to pay for volunteering.

I think the one area of debate for me is in the area of the bible thumpers. I don’t personally regard those who volunteer in that arena to truly be volunteers. In my opinion they do it with full expectation of getting something in return. Oh they might be content to wait till they get to heaven for their reward, but the whole point is that there is a reward involved.

Am I criticizing that approach? Not at all. I think it is glorious. As a pastor you get advantage of all this free labor and don’t have to worry about things like payroll taxes or worker’s compensation. I call that being smart. And when you consider that if by some remote chance they were wrong about eternity, hey they sure can have a laugh at the people’s expense who volunteered.

I don’t want to discuss the afterlife though. I’m just expressing the idea here that inspiring people to the kinds of level that you might get from a church member without any promise of reward is to say the least totally challenging.

Which for me as a politician is even tougher because I can’t even claim God told me to do it. I have to come up with some lie to motivate people.

Finding the right button to push with some people is difficult in that regard. It is just hard at times to always know what will melt a person’s basic iceberg of resistance when it comes to not volunteering to do some kind of free labor for the city.

I do have a few choices though. For example patriotism works on some occasions. Waving the flag and other such forms of inspiration do help, especially around the Fourth of July. However I am hampered by the limitations of working for a city. That pretty much rules out things like speaking of national security.

Still in the right situations I have succeeded in getting enough suckers, er volunteers to capture a vision of civic duty. (That’s one of my pet phrases for sucking people dry of as much free labor as I can.) I won’t share some of my other forms of inspiration.

There is no sense giving away too many trade secrets that somebody else might try to use. I’ll just toss out that in my case I have had enough success at this that I haven’t had to pay to get my car washed for a long, long time!

GOING FOR BROKE

Gambling is one of those pastimes that some people treat as life itself. And when you win, it was worth it. However if you end up broke then I doubt you feel much reason to boast.

But beyond the normal woes and tales of gambling I want to talk about the kind of gambling where you end up using somebody else’s money. Basically I’m speaking of the government.

There have been plenty of people who have pointed out that at times the boys at the top politically seem to have this obsession with running our country into incredible debt. We all have heard and know about the issue of the national debt. And we also know that when you get passed the speeches and finger pointing the debt isn’t going away.

Personally as a local city Mayor I’m down right jealous of that system. Here the guys pulling the strings can charge up the world and then be out of office to leave some future sap take the fall for the mess. And if the day comes when we are just plain broke as a country then I do pity the poor jerk who has to put up the “out of business” sign on the capital.

But cheer up folks I don’t think any of us has much to fear. Before that happens we can look forward to at least a few good years of taking it easy and letting some future generation get stuck with the tab. Heck that works for me.

Besides the good news is that if we keep working on those great weapons then when the time comes I’m sure we can trump up some excuse to go and invade some other country and loot the heck out of it. It does sort of go against the basic image we like to see in our country as defenders of freedom, but things do change. Perhaps we can change the image to the defenders of our hopelessly in debt butts! I kind of like that idea.

So who knows perhaps some time down the road when Social Security is broke, the national debt is so big we will never be able to pay it and all the oil reserves are gone it will end up proving to be our finest hour. Well in terms of being greedy perhaps. Hey we have worked darn hard abusing the resources of the planet. Why should we be expected to give up our partying?

In the meantime I just love to tune into the comedy hour when the politicians at the capital try to explain with a straight face why things aren’t getting better. I think I’ll look into investing in blindfolds I can sell when the time comes and we can’t ignore the flow of red ink from our capital any longer.

And don’t worry I’ll be sure to save you one if you need it. Who knows perhaps we can sit around wearing them, share a keg of beer and pretend it is still the good old days. Hey no sense not trying to enjoy ourselves if possible.

Here’s hoping you are looking forward to that party as much as I am. Because I think we already have an invitation whether we want one or not.

BRAND NAME IDEAS

The concept of a brand name is to me one that means a name of a product or service you know and trust by virtue of a given company’s reputation. Some people use that standard when shopping to purchase things like appliances and furniture or even cars.

And in a way some people do the same thing with ideas or other items that are less tangible and more related to thought or opinion. Religion certainly qualifies. That is in terms of brand name meaning a given type of belief system or a denomination within a given belief system.

Which can be a good thing I suppose. After all there is a certain comfort and satisfaction to go some new church that is affiliated with a denomination and know what to expect.

The only reason I even bring up that aspect is to point out how I think by nature many people enjoy the idea of brand names whether you are talking shopping, religion, fast food or even politics. Basically it seems that it just makes life less complicated when so many of our choices are such that they don’t require much thought in terms of choice.

Yet choice is of course the essence of freedom isn’t it? We want the right to express ourselves, worship whatever God we want and a whole lot of other choices, which is why they are included in the Constitution’s Bill of Rights.

Only we don’t want to HAVE to make choices in some cases. Just let me go to lunch when I want, but make it simple and be sure I can go to some fast food brand name place so I can get the heart clogging, grease soaked meal I want. Don’t make me sit down and wonder if the place has something else to eat, I just want to know that when I’m in a mood for a burger that I can depend on that place having the same one it did last time I went there.

Am I saying this is a bad thing? Nope. I’m just suggesting that by nature we are a tad fickle. We love freedom in some cases, but don’t worry about it in others.

Perhaps to some alien observer we might seem way too muddled in our attitude and thinking. But then since I doubt they are human and aren’t subject to moods like us how could they be expected to understand the times we just have to do something that is other than logical or given a great deal of thought? You know, the absent of common sense.

As for me, well it is this facet of life in this country that helps to make my job as a Mayor easier. Knowing the way people often rely upon brand names gives me a foundation of support in terms of saying I’m in favor of a given brand name idea or movement. The big chore for me is being sure I figure out which is the most popular brand name so I build the biggest foundation of following and support.

Plus of course not letting anyone find out that I in all honesty don’t actually care in some cases about a brand name. Alas the tales of illusion I have to force myself to tell everyday as a Mayor. Do you feel sorry for me? Don’t answer that!

SOCIALLY CORRECT

Boy can this be a hard sell at times. That’s because what is popular in one part of the society has nothing to do with what some other part of the society likes.

For example more mature folks naturally are prone to conservative values and likes. Not all, but I just think that is an element of getting older. You prefer stability and things staying the same to any kind of change.

So what is socially correct when I’m called to attend some meeting of older folks is totally different from say a group in their twenties. They are more inclined to love liberal and wild elements. I can’t say that I blame them. I sort of enjoyed those options too when I was that age.

And I think that is why there is a natural tendency of any city to slowly evolve in terms of its forms of entertainment that respects how what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another.

All of which is the simple foundation of understanding that I must acknowledge in order to wade through the maze of attitudes and ideas that dominate each age group. That reduces down of course to me having to say one thing to one group and something different to another.

Which can admittedly become really crazy in larger setting where you have more of a tendency to seem a variety of ages gathered. Thank goodness that doesn’t happen constantly.

For me it all comes down to sort of a game. Of sorting through the worried and bored faces to find that one thing I can say, which will in any way render a small smile.

What I have to be extra careful about is when I set up meetings with different social groups that are totally different from each other and not doing it to close to some other meeting. I just have to be careful to give myself enough time in between so I don’t accidentally blunder and say the wrong thing to the wrong group.

I do have to confess there are times when I wonder if it is all worth it. Such games can be terrible boring and exhausting. Lying convincingly is down right hard work.

But still there are the other times when I can escape the carousel of approval and not have to ride on some cart of opinion of what is socially acceptable. Then I get to just be myself and that is the times I savor the most.

Thank god I have my pal, ace newspaper reporter, Hugo Muckraker, to spend time with and be myself. Because if there is one thing most all the groups have in common is they hate finding out you thought they were jerks and said otherwise.

Well for the moment I get to just share that little fact in a posting and be grateful life doesn’t depend on the truth as far as politics is concern. Cheers!

THE SO SO LIFE

Ah how sweet bland can be. And tell me you hate it, but then explain how come you and most everyone I know include myself spend more time being dull than being exciting?

Okay I know there is always that one clown out there who is the life of the party. And there are plenty of us who wish we were. As a politician I wish I could claim I was, but I can only pretend so long and only lie to a certain degree and then I lose it in terms of keeping a straight face.

What I’m attempting to do here isn’t to depress anyone. Simply to suggest that the exciting life is perhaps overrated. I don’t think bland is really all that bad at times. At least it is predictable and that can at times be a good thing.

The only problem perhaps is that people don’t want to accept the joy of blandness. That might seem like a contradiction in terms or some kind of oxymoron, but it really isn’t. I just think the main difficulty is that the so-called exciting people just do a far better job at pretending they are having fun. Only I’m not so sure they really do at times.

When it comes down to it don’t a heck of a lot of the “beautiful” people have to depend upon some standard to be beautiful. They end up being slaves to opinions and fashion and whole lot of other crap that generally changes in time. Plus lets be honest here who really think when you reach your golden years they are going to be one long party?

You might think that if you are twenty and have had too many drinks at some bar, but otherwise we all know there isn’t a lot partying going on in rest homes. It can hardly even be called life from what I’ve seen. Yet like or not pal most of us if we live long enough are going to be a resident of one of those places some day.

Which is my whole point. Regardless of how great a life you think you have now, it won’t last. And when you are eighty with all kinds of health problems I doubt you are going to feel less miserable because once decades ago you were a party animal.

Thus if you really think about it the poor boring dude probably is better prepared for that time of life. And he probably won’t even know the difference that much.

So I say enjoy what you do have, whatever it is as long as you have it. And if it happens to be ordinary, so what? It is probably still better than what some people have. It is just a question of whether you find the good in the middle of the less than exciting.

But that is a personal choice from my point of view. I just hope you find a way to relax and not take the whole thing so serious. Be boring, be dull, but most of all be HAPPY about it.

And if you happened to need someone to lend you a shoulder to whine on I’m available. Of course you might have to make an appointment. I do have a few parties to attend! Later!

BEYOND REASON, BUT STILL MAKING SENSE

Logic and common sense may be good things, but it seems that there are times when what might be logical doesn’t necessarily make it the best choice. And that is probably because of the fact we don’t always do things to satisfy our intellect. We got feelings and desires that in now way are related to what makes sense.

I won’t try to bother to expose every person that I know and work with who has a problem with this. In fact I haven’t notice too many that don’t. I know plenty of those who lie, but not to many who are without the occasional bouts with insanity where they discard reason in order to accomplish whatever.

As for myself, well I am honest enough to confess I to this too much too. I wish I didn’t. After all I am a Mayor and suppose to be a role model, but that only works as long as you don’t look too far underneath the surface at who I really am.

I just bore you I guess with one example. That being my car. Do I need a luxury car? No. Would it be better as a model of fiscal responsibility if I didn’t drive a luxury car? Of course. Will I give it up for the sake of conveying the right kind of message? Absolutely not.

Is that being silly and selfish? Naturally, but I don’t intend to do it any different. And next year when I trade it off on a new model since I hate keeping any car that is more than a year old, I know I’ll another over priced luxury car with all kinds of accessories I don’t need.

However for me well I admit that my behavior in this situation (as well as almost every thing else) is beyond common sense and responsible reason. So I rationalize it as my behavior by claiming I see plenty of other people doing the same thing and THAT makes enough sense for me.

I just have ended up for whatever reason deciding this is all a good thing. There are simply times when everyone needs a time to go a little crazy and feel good about it.

We can only hope that in the process they don’t decide that using people for target practice or some other lunacy is a good choice. I mean being selfish is one thing, blasting your neighbor with a semi-automatic weapon is no where the same to me.

The big problem is not that this kind of thing happens all the time. What is a problem is how we love to pretend otherwise.

It is sort of like all those books they right on nutrition. Yeah it would be good if I read them and took their advice. But there is no way I’m going to. Junk food just tastes to good!

So do me a favor and learn to enjoy the times when you do something just because. Trust me you feel so much better the morning after if you remember joy is more important than wisdom. (You may quote me if you can get anyone to believe it!)

DO GOODING THAT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD

I think the normal assumption with doing good is that is somehow improves things. Make them better and basically is a plus for people.

And there may be situations where that happens to be the case, but not always. To me the exception is when you have somebody whose idea of good isn’t necessarily something that squares with another person’s idea of good.

Take the whole issue of the bible thumpers for example. Many I think are decent enough folks. Doing good is almost a secondary nature with them. At least if you listen to what they say on Sundays. Whether or not it really results in good though is a matter of interpretation.

When it comes to things like say helping the poor and doing general good deeds I would say they probably mean well. And with all the unbelievable evil in the world who could blame them for wanting to change things.

The only problem is that if they just wanted to get rid of the bad that would be a good thing. However they isn’t their idea of doing good. There idea in so many ways seems connected with good being only what they enjoy.

Which boils down to simply them expecting the rest of us to conform to their idea of good and fun. I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me.

The way I see it good really isn’t good if it ends up making things worse. Or you end up with them basically substituting one form of abuse for another. And let me tell you if you do something even if it intended as good, but it is something that gives people grief and takes away their freedom in the process I don’t consider that to be a good thing. Not for me at least.

That for me is the qualifying element. Good ought to really help and not rob people of their freedoms. It can be a tough path to follow though. After all you can’t have freedom without having some clown who decides to abuse his freedoms. This leads to complications and then somebody has to decide what the boundaries of a given freedom happens to be. Which normally ends up falling in the hands of lawyers and politicians and we all know what happens when you do that.

So from my view I wish the people who are committed to doing good would make actually doing good their priority. I know that is silly to expect. After all it is only human nature I suppose that if you do a favor or good deed for someone you expect something in return. And there is no way to completely avoid that I imagine.

Perhaps what we need then is a simple license to do good. Er, I hate to have the boys in Washington be given any more power than they have, but what is needed is some objective standard for goodness. That would rule out stupid stuff like killing other people or taking away their rights. Now the only problem is who in the world can we trust to make those kinds of decision. And don’t expect ME to volunteer. I’m honest enough to know I would just figure a way to profit from it, which is good for me, but I doubt anyone else would like it!

WAKING UP TO TAKE A NAP

Ah how sweet is the pure energy of devout laziness. It is just too bad that it is so underrated as an art form.

See our brains get all clogged with the idea of how hard work is the only viable path to a decent life. And frankly I’ve decided that the people who mainly spread that notion are the financial kingpins who want YOU to work hard to make them money.

That really is about the size of it for most working folks. They do work hard and in return somebody else makes all the bucks. So naturally since they are the one’s with the power they have the ability to control what is propagated as acceptable behavior.

Meanwhile they are off enjoying the good life and laughing their asses off at the stupidity of the people they have duped in the process. As a result they have all the fun and you get to kick the bucket at an early age from a heart attack you get after being exhausted by working hard.

I don’t mind I’m a lazy jerk. That is why I became a politician in my city. So I could only pretend to work hard while in reality doing as little as possible.

And what is truly fascinating to me is how things in my city seem to get done and move along even if I take a nap at work half the time. (Of course I always close my door so my overworked secretary doesn’t see me.) But with everyone else working themselves to death I figure somebody ought to live out the need to do as little as possible. That way I sort of even out the work ethic a little. I just don’t volunteer the reality to others.

About the only time I really do work hard is when there is a promise of a nap at the end. So I will bust my butt to get done with a project just so I can sit back and do nothing.

It is true when I do that I have a tendency to make a lot of mistakes. However it does give the people who work something to do when they have to spend time fixing me mistakes. After all I never forget the first rule in my Limburger Survival Guide. Basically that there is no problem too small that you can’t find somebody else to blame for it.

That guideline has been a wonderful staple in my food for thought that has been so nutritious to my mood and system over the years. And so far I’ve been grateful that I have found enough people who are slaves to their work ethics so I don’t have to be. It does, as they say, work for me.

Which is a good thing because that way I don’t have to! All I have to work on so to speak is how to manage to find a way to explain it to others so they won’t figure out just how lazy I really am. Hmmm, I guess I’ll have to sleep on it for bit. A nice nap sounds like it would help.

So (yawn) happy busy hands their folks. I’ll be thinking about you. If only in my dreams!