ENVELOPES

I love being able to mail crap. Just such a wonderful feeling when you can get rid of something and make the person receiving it think it is a present or surprise.

Then it rips their heart out when they open it up and say it is a bill. Now the key to this joy is making sure they don't recognize it for what it is before opening it.

So first of all it needs to be handwritten. But in such a style as calligraphy so it looks professional.

Makes it appear as an invitation. Which you add to the illusion by showing some initials for the sender and a mailing address. As if it came from somebody very rich.

That always gets their juices flowing. Just the anticipation of getting rich or some other fabulous gift makes them all excited and aroused.

This only lasts until the actually open the envelope. I love imagining their reaction. It isn't smiles that is for sure.

And if it is a bill even better. A request for donations is nice too, but not quite as dramatic.

So I prefer to do what I can to let them dangling out there as long as possible in hope. Which means using an envelope that is really hard to open.

Ah, that is another talent. And with me I have my secretary who is such a talent at wrapping things so you can't open them easy.

All I have to do is tell her that is has something fragile inside and she will seal up that sucker so you might need dynamite to open it. Which does require extra postage, but that is find with me.

But that is worth the price when it results in the agony after the expectation after the envelope is open. Just something I have to savor from a distance.

Alas, there are some joys in life you can only have in special ways. As in with your imagination.

Yep, really gives me such smiles when I can sit back and relax, knowing some clown is sitting in his office and going nuts trying to open an envelope. Each second becomes and agony as he can't get it open.

Finally resorting to his teeth as last resort. Cutting his lip on the staples, covering the bleeding with a tissue as he finally gets the thing open.

Then looking at the contents and screaming, No! You can't buy those kinds of moments.