LONG TIME, NEVER SEEN

Ah, the sweet pleasure of ignorance. Those are the precious moments when you aren't even aware that you've been spared grief. Until later and all you can do at that point is be grateful.

Now there are the times in this when you naturally savor those special moments when fate blows some pest in a different direction. In my case that happens to be in relationship to the occasions when I am spared contact with some relative.

My relatives are for the most part just way to influence by the Limburger family genes. That is something, sadly, that makes them prone to the same backstabbing, lying and conniving moods. Which since they are like me, makes avoiding a good thing.

Adding to my joy are the times I have to deal with my wife's relatives. They are little different. In their case they are more inclined to be direct in terms of insulting.

Which is because they aren't worried about sucking me dry for anything. They have connections with Mr. Mammongrabber, our local kingpin of profit.

Instead they prefer to drop by and remind me how my being allowed in their presence is such a rare blessing. Thank you is not the attitude I am inclined to remember.

So if given the option, I do prefer first of all, no contact whatsoever. But that isn't what happens, especially during the holidays.

Which is why I savor the times when I get a chance to get some phone call from one of them saying how for some reason they can't visit. And the lies I can muster to explain my fake sadness.

Oh yeah, that is a blessing. Course I never do bother to explain it is a lie. And you know they never ask either. So it works out great for all of us.

What would be great is if these moments always happened. Now that would be the best blessing.

Only I don't have that kind of luck. I am working on ways to improve it though. Just haven't worked out the details.

My main thought here is that might adopt my assistant Willie Bendover as my son. Then I could send everyone over to visit him.

Well it is worth considering. And it might work right up to the point that I actually had him get a visit from the first relative.

I imagine after that he would expect to be unadopted. Ah, well, it is to dream and sometimes that is all one has.