NICE AND EASY

There are plenty of options for the best meaning of this phrase. My personal favorite though is when some con I’ve plan goes incredibly smooth.

That for me is a form of heaven. I just don’t get to brag about it to most people. Oh I do tell my buddy newspaper reporter Hugo Muckraker. And he generally if motivated will put some slant on the facts so I end up looking like a super star. You can talk about freedom of the press, but for me it is the bribe of the press that really counts!

I recall in this big epic comedy once that I saw how there was this athlete, Mr. Nice Guy Hero, who was discussing the concept of competition and victory with this Mr. Uniform Anal Retentive Creep. (Obviously I’m paraphrasing their characters in case somehow you didn’t know.) And in the movie the Hero was talking about in his view winning too easy took away from the thrill. The Military guy disagreed. In his view winning easy was fantastic.

And even though I have no use for the people who want you to stand at attention so you won’t move when they are shooting you, I have to admit I side with the Military guy in this situation.

In fact for me the best kind of victory is the one that is so easy your victim doesn’t even know he lost. Now that is perfection. The kind of success rip off where you leave somebody bleeding and he ends up apologizing for dripping blood on the floor. Then he cleans it up! Ah there is no joy as cool for me than that kind of pure conquest with the deployment of strategic avarice tongue bombs, which inflict permanent damage on an unarmed victim.

Now don’t sneer. Would you expect otherwise from me. We are talking reality here. And in a dog eat dog world as some say. Only I don’t intend to get dog bit if I can avoid it. I might do all the biting myself, but why not? Try to answer that with something other than a bunch of morality fluff!

So I’m sure you’ve heard the rule from the scriptures about doing unto others as you want done to yourself. All I do is take it one step further to make it applicable to the realities of the climate in which I live. Basically it is to do unto the other guy in a way so he is left with no chance to do the same to you. I call it survival. I won’t say what a few others have called it.

However that is the basic way I have learned to cope with survival in a concrete zoo I call home. Most are too busy lying about wishing they had the chance to rip others off like I do. So I figure I sort of owe it to them to not disappoint them in terms of their expectations. I call it being the kind of role model that conforms to the wishes of my constituents.

And believe me that telling myself that is one of the real ways that I manage to preserve my theory on nice and easy. After all it wouldn’t be easy if I had to actually try and do things honestly. That is way too much work!

SPINE MARROW TRANSPLANTS

This kind of transplant is one operation you’ll never find available by any doctor. No, I’m not speaking of some kind of surgical procedure for paralysis.

What I’m referring to is the kind of transplant that would take somebody with a weak spine that includes a yellow streak and exchange it one of iron. Hey, as one of those with way too much yellow you can’t blame me for wishing this was possible.

I have a feeling after I describe this more than few people wouldn’t mind the same kind of transplant. Only I doubt they want to admit to others.

I can’t say I blame them. Nobody likes to admit to any weakness, but I think we hate to admit to certain weakness more than others. And that is because I feel it is something most of us have far more in common that we want to accept.

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone was full of courage and never afraid. But life isn’t like that. And what I really love is how some people can be so full of courage in some ways yet totally afraid in others. Sort of like if you have some huge monster of a athlete with a killer rep for courage who nearly faints when faced with getting a shot. Yet it does happen.

Now you might ask is it my goal here to depress the reader? And the answer is no. I want us to celebrate the simply joy of having the guts to be honest about not having courage. That’s right I’m speaking to you wimps like me out there who are always getting abused and no respect. The poor slobs that women ignore and boss’s victimize.

Come on guys (and gals if it applies) relax and enjoy life. Try to treat your lack of courage as in part a sign of wisdom. You’re smart enough to know how to save your butt.

As for the one’s who want to pretend, well let them enjoy their delusions. I will say that sooner or later they will face some crisis or situation where they will cave too.

But you who are smart enough to know you haven’t got a spine, then sit back and take it with a certain degree of wisdom. I mean if you aren’t brave just treat it like any thing else you can’t do. Get some kind of help to offset your weakness.

What is a good aid for a lack of spine? I mean besides hiding whenever possible? Well one option is to pay or find a nice hero to fight your battles. Can’t afford it. Then think of this, sooner or later if you are patient the guy who is giving you grief is going to get his turn. You just have to be patient. Then when he is down, you kick him! Yeah you heard me right, kick the rat as hard as you can.

You might say that isn’t cool. However I consider it as self defense. That way you keep the jerk from getting up and having a second chance to give you more grief. Words to live by for the sneaky week kneed!

A MEETING OF THE MINDS

With some people you might as well hang out a sign that says “out to lunch and probably won’t return.” There are others that you could say “meeting in progress, but nobody is actually there!”

Yes admittedly there are some in Mediocrity that you can meet with that honestly do have the capacity for carrying on a logical conversation and you can expect them to pay attention. They even have the capacity to make sense.

I only wish they were the people I normally have to deal with. Unfortunately the truly sane people all seem to be way too busy doing sane things to bother attending any meetings where I’m a participant. For me it is just one of those regrettable facts of life in my city. Rationale people find a place to hide or hibernate. They avoid any contact with the demented element of society.

I didn’t say I liked it that way. Merely that I know that is how it works. From what I’ve seen too often people who move to my city find out rather quickly that in terms of city employees and often those who work in places like fast food restaurants they are not normal. And the result is that the if they are logical at all they quickly find a way to not spend any more time among the crazies than necessary.

I can’t say that I blame them. I personally have no choice. There are simply too many people that aren’t going anywhere that I have to work with. And so for myself in terms of survival that translates into the simple understanding that I have to find a way to cope.

Even though I can claim any kind of bragging rights in that regard for survival and keep the gossamer fabric of our city’s system functioning, but I do think I have managed to keep it from evaporating on more than one occasion. Not that anyone is going to applaud my efforts. I just derive a certain satisfaction from winning at the game that everyone else doesn’t seem to know they are playing.

Thank goodness some of the more “mentally challenged” in my throng of city employees are people I don’t seen, but rarely. That does help to cut down on some of the risk to my own senses.

The only area I can’t escape is the council meetings. Now maybe you have heard me talk about my Vice Mayor, Millard Fillpoor. Well if not then let me just say that he is someone who uses a janitor’s closet as an office and thinks a water fountain is his secretary. Do I need to say more?

All I can say that in terms of the city council he really is probably the most sane in some cases. I discount the presence of that darn do-gooder, Lance Allworthy since he is such a hopeless decent guy that I figure he just is beyond help.

And if by chance you are contemplating a move any soon then you are more than welcome to come to my city. Just bring your sanity in a box and don’t open it except for emergencies! Rash’s rule number three for survival in Mediocrity!

FINDING THE SOURCE

Blame is such a sweet and addictive word. Finding the source of guilt as long as it isn’t you is so satisfying. And if it is you the big challenge is covering your tracks so they end up leading to someone else.

My basic approach is to verbally support finding the truth in terms of when a problem occurs. I WANT to find the source. I want to change the problem and make things better. And I can get so darn adamant about it in speeches. Enough that it normally brings a very good round of applause.

Well that is as they say “on the record.” My official view and prevailing philosophy that I repeat as often as possible.

However reality is of course not for the record in some cases. There is a game to be played and nobody wants to know the score. That is because if the truth were really known the origin of too many problems resides with the general indifference of the voters.

They don’t pay attention the facts or give a hoot about the issues. Now I’m speaking of Mediocrity where I am the Mayor of course. It might be different where you live.

But in my little slice of the world that is the way it is. And all I can say is I LOVE IT! Yep without that kind of behavior I would be in big trouble as the double-dealing, back stabbing and lying jerk I am in term so getting elected. I would have to tell the truth and worse of all, DO SOMETHING!

God the very thought of that kind of possibility always puts me in a cold sweat. Oh I know that it isn’t likely to change, but I also know that such things do happen.

Which is why I have to work so hard at getting to the source of problems. I need to be sure that if it is in any way incriminating I cover it up. And then I have to labor to come up with a diversion tactic to blame somebody else.

I am grateful that so far in my long tenure as Mayor the concepts of efficiency and accountability have never reared their ugly heads. I have been “beasts free” and plan on keeping it that way.

How do I accomplish that? Well it is in part admittedly pure luck. By beyond that there is the simply joy that I have enough morons working for me that actually have a conscience. There is always one of them I can pick up to take a fall.

Naturally I always make sure I don’t let the poor sap end up getting fired. There is no sense risking that if they left I would be able to replace them with someone equally dumb. Besides, it gives me a chance to create the illusion of being forgiving when I manage to punish them without firing them.

Hey it might not be politics as you would prefer, but it sure is politics that works for me. Do me a favor and don’t peek into your own local government too closely. I wouldn’t want you to get depress to find out they probably do the same thing.

LET US REASON IN WEATHER

I love the way different kinds of weather wreck havoc on people’s sense of control. When it is freezing out and you are chilled to the bone, people often try to look normal. That is their way of pretending they are in control and not going to let being frozen keep them from whatever.

And when it is scorching outside, one sits under the air conditioner absorbing gallons of something cool and hoping to hide the sweat. Again the simple flair of pride in an attempt to pretend we are impenetrable to the climate that abounds.

Even when a person acknowledges the weather they really do admit to the weather. By that I mean while we might complain, we know we can’t control it so we love to use it as a means of justifying some flaw. Thus we have control by not basically having to face that WE cause whatever problem we have. So again it is a control thing.

Okay am I making too much of human ego here? I don’t think so. I see it every day and in all kinds of weather. And I truly savor watching how people lose it when the weather eats away at their sense of control, but their pride won’t let them admit it. So they become like a simmering pot waiting to boil over.

Which is exactly what happens sooner or later. Only often the thing that causes some outburst has nothing to do with the weather. That would be too easy to admit. Instead the person will explode over something trivial and that makes it more obvious.

Now what I do as a politician is use this little insight as a valuable tool for judging people’s possible reaction. I watch they eyes. Their lips can lie, but their eyes will always reveal the truth. They will shine with fatigue, anxiety, fear and a whole lot of other feelings. You just have to bear in mind the weather.

Cold makes people listless and slothful in many cases. So they get pissed over the lack of energy and freedom of movement. Heat exhausts with fatigue and makes life generally uncomfortable. So that too makes people irritable.

When it is cold, thus you have to get them to talk about the summer, their hobbies and dreams. It helps to divert attention from what is really bothering them.

And if they are too hot, well you talk about things like holidays, vacations and the pleasant elements that remind of relief. That too will help to make them get their mind off the real problem.

Once I have adequately read their thermometer and adjusted the controls normally the person will eventually regain some level of sanity. And if I’m lucky it will last till they leave my office. They might go insane again with somebody else, but at least I saved my butt! That is what matters to me.

Oh yes and the chance when I have made them relax to perhaps suck up to them during some weakness of a good mood. It is amazing how that causes them to so easily agree to what they would otherwise say no about. Just another little medicinal observation from the desk of this electoral physician.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

I like the image this conveys. To come back to where you started, but hopefully with a little better understand. Not having made progress in terms of what some people value, but perhaps in terms of experience you are a whole lot smarter. At least hopefully you are smarter.

There are times when I deal with people who are chasing their tails in terms of effort. They aren’t really heading in any positive direction, but they sure are working very hard just the same. I know that old saying, “work smarter, not harder.” The idea being conveyed naturally is that sometimes there are easy ways to do things that are more productive than what seems to be the most laborious method. In other words or should I say MY words the capacity to sweat doesn’t mean you necessarily are going to be successful.

But despite that reality the problem is I think that many of us make lousy students in terms of taking advice. You sure can find plenty of it available and too much of it way, way less than helpful. However if you aren’t successful at sometime it might be a good idea to accept the fact that the person who is might have a better way of doing things. So where would the harm be in listening?

Okay enough of that preaching I guess. What I’m getting to here more than anything is that we all have to approach the idea of learning in different ways. And in some cases there are people who simply can’t learn until the screw up enough to accept the fact they need to try to do things differently.

What is tough for me as Mayor and a boss is to deal with the times somebody I know is racing out of control towards a cliff of disaster and you can’t stop them. The person in no way will listen or care. Nothing is going to change the person’s behavior till the learn as it is said, “the hard way.”

And that sometimes is a good thing if the person truly learns from the mistake. So he or she starts over and then does it right the next time.

Those are times of real celebration for me. I can sit back and nod and say “whew!” That’s because I know they won’t do the same thing again.

Unfortunately there are some people even that doesn’t help with. They can fall down, crash and burn and get up and do the same stupid thing not just once more, but again and again and again. I tell you that is really discouraging. But with that individual you can complain you can threaten, it just isn’t going to keep them from running into a wall.

I have ended up just being content to see the people walking in circles and the few who stop to finally head in the right direction. As for the ones that keep going in circles, well I guess the thing is I’ve sort of developed a philosophy. I have given thought to selling tickets or even making the whole incident into a DVD for sale. Hey I’m a realist. If somebody is going to live a life that gives me a reason to laugh then what’s wrong in making a buck at it?

YOURS, MINE AND MIND

Equality is a wonderful concept. It was noble enough for the writer’s of our Constitution to mention it in that glorious document. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if somehow we could arrange for their to be as they say “a level playing field” in terms of all the possibilities in our society.

But I think we all know it doesn’t work that way. It is the guy with the bucks that pretty much gets to decide on what is equal and you can bet somewhere in all of that his rights will be consider more equal to yours or anyone else’s.

Okay so we all know that you might say. We see it every day. It sucks, it isn’t in anyway fair and if you are the poor working slob at the bottom of the totem pole instead of the top you want it changed.

So how do we do that? I mean without pissing somebody off big time? If we take away from the rich and make new rich will the new rich really be any better? I think that has been tried on plenty of occasions and the old rule about power corrupting is still true in my book.

Which is why my basic approach to this whole thing is one of survival first. For me that works by saying yours is the resources I plan on using to run my city, plus a little extra for me for the hassle of having to put up with all the insanity of being the Mayor. (My rule of course.)

As for mine, well, gosh you know I’d love to do more in terms of putting some in the pot. But I guess I regard it as trying to view it from a simple case of efficiency. I mean here I am a greedy rat and totally inclined towards making sure I suck every possible dime out of the city budget I can for myself. So if I do chip in the blank fact is that I will just figure a way to take it back anyway. Thus if I don’t go through the silliness of giving it to the city I safe everyone the hassle and waste of time figuring a creative way to get it back. Therefore I think that is much more realistic.

Please no sneers when I say that. Trust me I know me well enough to know that I will do that. So why kid myself or go through the silliness of thinking I might change. It is just so much easier to let mine stay mine in the first place.

And that is the part that I don’t mind. Life is so much easier when you decide to be practical, which is sort of a realistic form of equal to me. Okay don’t snarl either. I got the right to think it is equal if I want. Opinions are after all the one form of equality we have yet to either tax or take away. So be grateful they haven’t figured out a process to do that.

Of course who can say what tomorrow will bring in that regard. Who knows there might some day be a mind tax. One you have to pay just for the privilege of thinking and an even bigger one for shooting off your mouth. Gee you know the more I talk about it the more I like it. Hmmm, I wonder if I could get that to fly in my city of Mediocrity? I think I’ll file that one under “things to do when I rid my city of any morals or decency!”

THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT...

I’m always amazed at how some people think they are smarter than the rest of the world. Plus they are perfect too. So much so that they have this obsessive need to be sure you and I are blessed with their knowledge and wisdom, which they always regard as some form of light.

Personally I do regard such people as a light. (As in light bulb!) Only in their case the light bulb is one that has been burnt out for god knows how long and they are simply too full of crap that it covers their eyes so they can tell.

Regrettably the place where these “dim” bulbs seem to want to shine the most is in the area of religion. Only in this situation the bible thumpers don’t have a monopoly on such lack of illumination. It seems like every belief system has those “candles” whose wick is smoldering and they are frankly too much of a moron to tell.

Now I normally don’t even enjoy rambling on about this type of subject. After all as most people know or are familiar there are two subjects that lend themselves more to debate than agreement, religion and politics.

As a politician I don’t mind wandering the myths of the electoral labyrinth of deception and traditions because, well I don’t honestly do if as a serious subject. And as a source of satire and observance it can make for a decent topic providing you keep it at that level.

It is when you decide to turn serious and somehow delve into the thicket of human error with a mantle of solutions that will never work that I think you end up just draping it over you eyes instead. That is the heart of the problem with politics. It is mainly about people saying what is noble to serve up some feel good baloney that is going to turn your stomach because it is tainted with lies.

I did not say that is the way it should be. But nobody really seems to want the truth with the political diet we cook up and serve. So we get the democratic bill of faire we deserve.

And it seems to me that religion suffers from some of the same problems. Only it isn’t as often that people seem as comfortable admitting when they are full of crap on that subject. You either find the ones that want to preach at you or the ones that are so turned off on the subject and thus just want to avoid it altogether. I mean when was the last time you saw anyone who claimed to be a member of a religious system stand up and say, “Hey, I don’t honestly know what I’m talking about, but I have to say something anyway.”

Okay I know that is never going to happen. I would just settle for somebody sitting down and being willing to say their light bulb needs to be replaced, but they are currently enjoying the darkness of their misunderstanding! Yep a little honest would certainly be the kind of light that would really shine if you ask me. But I know that isn’t likely any one will though. Most are too busy covering their eyes to keep from seeing the light that isn’t there in the first place!

PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK OF...

Well you can think whatever, but I’m referring to business cards. Yep, that’s right business cards.

I’m thinking in this case of people who go into situations like business deals and are totally unprepared. And not having enough business cards is a sure sign to me they are not going to be all that reliable in terms of someone you can count on to do what they say.

That is one of my little tests I administer to people I meet, especially sales people. I ask for a business card. If they have trouble finding one or have to go through their wallet to find one, bingo I know they didn’t have enough confidence in their product or sales approach to expect to make a sale. It is like a big alarm going off in my head.

A second thing I don’t like is the guy with a business card that he has to cross something out in ink and write in the change like a phone number. Most of the time you do know that in advance so again it leaves me totally unimpressed.

Of equal value in terms of losing my interest is the guy who shows up with a generic business card. That screams rookie! And you can bet I might listen to him out of courtesy just long enough to make some excuse that I have to cut the meeting short. Buddy if you haven’t got around to being issued your own business cards I sure as heck don’t plan on being the dude you test out your new career with. Been there and done that and it sucks!

Now what I am impressed with on the business card test is the guy who has a small plastic sleeve in his jacket with his business cards in them. And they are clean too. That means they haven’t been sitting in his pocket forever. Another little detail on the Limburger test that often doesn’t end up being noticeable to the guy who I am meeting.

So I assume some of you might ask, “Hey Rash surely you aren’t going to tell us that you base on your decisions about salesman on whether they have business cards?”

No, I am not going to say that. It might be a big factor, but not the only one. Still its one I have used as sort of a guideline. And it is amazing how that really ends up being more reliable that you might think. That is because often people convey these messages with their behavior in terms of business cards without realizes what is says about what they are thinking.

Another little tidbit I watch for is the guy with too many business cards. I mean if the guy has several different ones with his name that tells me he either has changed jobs a lot or has a whole lot of side deals going on. I ought to know because I have all kinds myself when I want to pretend to be somebody other myself. (Only in my case the others have bogus names to go with the bogus companies. It sure can be a life savor when I’m under the influence and carelessly give my date my business card. Those really come in handing the day after when the gal calls a pay phone number that I listed for the office of my non-existent company!)

In the meantime I hope you give this little observation on business cards some thought and perhaps it will spare you buying something from a guy who is on his first day on a new job. Good luck and take an extra second to check the card before thinking it is worth your time. Cheers and all that jazz.

SO?

I just love being able to ask that. And believe me where I work I get to ask it a lot. It seems that it runs in cycles though. Like there is some emotional bug that suddenly strikes and my employees feel an uncontrollable urge to prattle about almost anything that in most cases I can do absolutely nothing about.

Do I mind? Sometimes. And especially when they decide that they need to tell me about it during a real emergency. That’s when I have to try and get them to shut up. Believe me it is so amazing how when I look at them and ask “So” they suddenly and abruptly realize that perhaps the world is going to end because we are out of coffee or paper clips.

Those are sadly among the more pressing crisis that often come to me during these moments of less than sanity on the part of some of those who work for me. Which isn’t so bad when I have the time to listen. It doesn’t make for a good smile at times to know sanity isn’t required to work for City Hall. (If it was I’m not sure I would even have any employees at all and certainly a great many less citizens too!)

Of course I realize I’m only speaking as it applies to life in Mediocrity. I imagine where you live life is probably far more predictable and logical. Okay if it isn’t you don’t have to admit it. Just don’t tell me and I promise I won’t tell the whole world.

However with my city it is something I can’t avoid. Almost every day somebody knocks on my door with some stupid request. Okay they aren’t all the kind I can ask “so” about. Some actually are real concerns.

I just have to try and be careful not to be in such a stressed condition that when they do tell me some real crisis I don’t react with a “so.” Because I have found that people with real problems often don’t have the best sense of humor. Sometimes they can get downright angry if you ask that question when it isn’t the right choice.

Naturally when I realize that I made a mistake from the red face and white knuckles of my visitor I always try to subdue the situation. And if that fails I normally try to have my assistant Willie come in the office and say it was his idea. Hey, he’s not the Mayor so if he ends up with a black eye it is not big deal. I have to be concerned with my face looking acceptable for photos. You never know when that can come up in my situation.

You might say that is rather a rotten way to treat my assistant. But heck I do give him medical insurance and he is a remarkably quick healer so I just consider it one of those little duties for which he is compensated.

I just wish when some big angry voter was pounding the crap out of him he would have the good taste not to beg so much or scream as loud when he feels he has broken bones. I mean really it is so tacky just like when he insists upon bleeding all over the carpet. But then at least I am able to give him a nice carpet cleaner so he can clean it up later. I only think it can be such a pain when it takes him so long with a broken arm. Alas it is hard at times to get good help these days.